Marriage Builders
Hello,
I have been on here for sometime, been on the show a few times. I fought as hard as i could for my marriage. Took Dr. Harleys advice, unfortunately, my wife gave up and the D was final in April.
If you followed any of my threads, there were times she wanted to reconcile, then pulled back. Emotional roller coaster. That is how everyone puts it. Someone said it was like being told you had cancer, then you were cured, then you had it again. Very painful. She lives with her parents with a mother that is very controlling. When they are gone, she is a different person.
Anyhow, i spend alot of time with our son whom is 3. I have never missed a day, i see him every wednesday, sunday and every other weekend. 4 weeks during the summer.
These times have become very difficult. Of course taking him places that will entertain him, i see other families that are in tact. This brings up alot of emotions that i never had before. Feelings that i stuffed away when my parents split. Very sad and depressing emotions.
When i drop him off i get very depressed, missing the routine that we have each morning and each evening. Causes me to cry.
My wife has shared that she is still very sad. Living with her parents, two failed marriages, two children from two fathers.
I do still love her, there was no infidelity, no drugs, alcohol, nothing like that. Just not meeting each others emotional needs. I really wish i knew then what i know now.
At times i feel like walking away from being a father. The pain would subside so much quicker. Maybe thats why my father did it.
But i pain even more for how my son would feel.
This is by far the most painful experience in my life. we are both mid 40's. Maybe it would be easier if there was infidelity or something else....
I call my son each night via video phone, sometimes she answers, sometimes she doesnt. Of course it breaks my heart when i dont get to talk to him. We live only 5 minutes apart, were married for 10 years.......
I just want this pain to go away....
Many fathers leave their kids after divorce and the kids suffer.
I encourage you to END all direct contact with your ex wife.
Go to the notable posts forum and read the parallel parenting thread; you can receive guidance on how to do this.

It is recommended to have no contact with your ex wife for 2 years following divorce so you can emotionally heal.
Have you read this?
Parallel Parenting

Have you been to your doctor for some ADs?

Are you in Plan B?
Hi, Ruikee. I am glad you are back, but sorry to hear this news.

I am betting that as your son gets older, it will become easier to contact him, because she won't be serving as "gatekeeper" so much. Eventually it will be HIM answering the phone, and that's something to look forward to. At some point you can probably buy him a phone just for contacting you.

I would do everything possible to maximize time spent with him.

I would definitely look into antidepressants to help keep you on an even keel. You need your wits about you, and you need to think rationally.

I would only Plan B if contact with your wife is emotionally damaging to you. Otherwise, I'd try to make every contact with her perfectly positive, being the best you you can be, with no love busters on your part, because there is always a chance that she may change her mind. With some antidepressants to help even out your mood, this might be much easier.

Do read up on parallel parenting. You will not have any control over the decisions she makes for him, and vice versa.
Yes i am on ADs and have been for some time. I suggested that we have a go between to exchange our son, and her response was things are fine the way they are and she did not see any reason to change. I did my best to explain that it was not for me.
All my interactions are always positive, no lovebusters ever. Its been a very long time since there were any lovebusters.
My stepson whom i have raised since he was 5 and is now 15, was sent away to a military school because he started lashing out, telling her to address her issues, he wanted me as his father again and for us to be a family.
We did get to spend some time together this summer, but it seems as if she has squashed it again.
Thanks for the input its good to get support here....

Blessings...
Oh geez I fear all these things. Last night I cried thinking of being in a new place with my 10 yr old son going to bed without me being able to say goodnight to him. Immature people suck. People who can't forgive suck. People who only think of their own feelings suck. Thanks soon to be ex spouse. You're the best.
I have been so depressed lately. And it is more towards time with my son. He is starting to say i want daddy and mommy. He doesnt want to leave me when i drop him off at the sitters.
The past few days have been really bad for me. Alot of crying. This morning i was crying really hard. I really hate being away from him. And i am sure she feels the same way when he is with me.
This is the most difficult thing i have had to deal with in my life. I have done so much work on myself becoming a better person, i have uncovered so many layers of issues i had, which has led me to become such a sensitive, kind, compassionate, and empathetic person.

My sleep, appetitie have been so messed up for some time now. I am taking the different meds to help, but i really think, and some have told me, some of these emotions are just to much even for the meds.

I feel like checking myself in somewhere. I do not know where to go, or what that entails. Can you check yourself into places for depression or whatever i am going through.

My support system is horrible. I have a few friends but they are not compassionate. My church family has become distant, i am going to a new church so i havent become familiar with them yet.

My sons sitter and her husband have been great.

My parents are still abusive to me, even at my age of 44. So i had to distance myself from them as each time i tried to reconcile with them, they tore me down and it was unbearable.

I dont know what to do, how to move on.

Blessings and Love......

I would strongly encourage you to visit an AlAnon meeting.
They can teach you how to emotionally disconnect and get your sanity back
You also need to plan b your ex wife
I have been in plan B i think, unless you are suggesting i do not contact my son either. Unfortunately at his age, i have to contact her to talk to him right now.

I will look into alanon, thank you...

I suggested an IM not too long ago but she didnt think it was necessary.

What do i do in that case?

Sir you are not in plan B.
Plan B is NO CONTACT.
You can insist on an IM irregardless of what she says. Many do that and can elp you set that up.

Personally I have limited contact with my ex wife. I only communicate by email. I do not see or speak to her.
Are you suggesting that i sever contact with my 3 year old son? I do not see how that would be in the best interest of him as i try to develope a lasting relationship with him.

Do you have children and how old are they? I am not disagreeing with you, i am just trying to approach the best way i can with the given situation....I do appreciate your advice.
I dont think anyone would suggest that you sever contact with your 3yo son...
we are just thinking of how to get you whole again..

depression succckkkkssss, i would know!

There are meds that help, they do take a while to work though.

I was recently talking to my 10yo daughter, she said " Dad, dont be one of those guys that falls apart after the divorce, OK"

I will say the same to you.

In the end things will be OK
If things are not ok, its not the end!

I was talking to a 73 year old divorced and since remarried man recently..... His comment is, I just want you to know its lonely, real lonely, not a good time.

you are not alone....

Dont know anything about voluntary inpatient stuff, but i would be very careful there........ I would think that could be used to make it look like you were less than stable
I have 3 kids, 5,8,9.
Dr Harley encourages divorced couples to go into plan B after divorce.
Plan B is no contact with your ex wife. It has nothing to do with your children.

I don't think you understand MB programs.

There are thousands of divorced persons in plan B that still have a great relationship with their kids.

This is called parallel parenting and you can read about it in Notable Posts forum
I have read and reread parallel parenting, and i agree with it. But it doesnt mention talking to the children when the child is with the other parent. Unless i am not getting it. Especially at this age.
How can i find an IM? The few i asked didnt seem to like it as most of them want us back together and do not think it is a good idea. They know that i am not healing or becoming whole.

This week, i have our son all week because her parents are out of town and her schedule doesnt permit her to take him to the sitter.
He has been sick about 3 weeks. When i have him, i gave him meds, and let her know via text that i was.
The sitter told me she asked her what she thought was wrong with him, instead of taking him to the Dr. So i chose to.
He has a upper respitory infection. I sent her a text to let her know, It took her 3 hours to respond.
She told me how sad she was etc.
last night she texted asking how he was but i didnt respond.

How did i handle this? Right or wrong?

Bottom line, i do still love her. I do want to be whole, i want to heal. I do have hope once her controlling mother is out of the picture.

Do i write the letter suggested for plan b?

Blessings.....
Ruikee, I heard Dr. Harley on an old show tell a man that if contacting his children while they were with his WW led to contact with the WW, he should just wait and talk with his children when they were with him, or let the children call him. It won't be long until your children can call you.

Is your wife currently involved with someone else at this point? Have divorce proceedings been initiated?

IMO, you've struggled long and worn yourself out.

Quote
I do have hope once her controlling mother is out of the picture.

What does this mean? Once your wife's controlling mother is out of the picture?

Quote
She told me how sad she was etc.

This was your wife telling you this? If so, this was an invitation to make some love bank deposits and win her back. Is that what you are wanting to do? If so, then talk about her feelings.
Suggestion: since your antidepressants do not appear to be working, I would see someone about getting them adjusted.
What is the visitation schedule with your son like? Do you see him for part of every week?
He is divorced.

Who thinks you should get back together? You mention this in your last post.
Ruikee, I just wanted to tell you that no matter what, you are enough. You are good enough. YOU matter. Your son is young, and he will be just fine. You have to stand up straight now. Making yourself sick over not being able to talk to your son for one day is counter productive to what you need to be doing, creates the negative hormones, and is not helping anything at all. I want to urge you to TRY to break that misery when it is happening. Please don't think I am being callus, I am not. You have to deal with the reality as it is, she has him, you don't, so you need to get some new life going for yourself. The absolute best way is to REALLY get involved in your church's mission outreach apostolates. Serve at the local soup kitchen, help at the local charity stocking donated clothing or handing out bags of food on their give away days. Visit elderly at a care facility - don't have anyone to visit them. Volunteer at a abuse center for children, Become a big brother for someone who doesn't have a father. GIVE OF YOURSELF. That is what will help you become more whole. That is a grace bestowed upon us for loving and serving others. Jesus' grace heals!!! I am gonna say it straight, ok? Quit focusing on your pain and help someone else in theirs!!!! You can do this!!! I know you love your son. I couldn't imagine being away from any of my 3 boys. But, I know that I am going to have to when the time comes. It is just how it is!!! So, fill your time with helping others, and it will fill your heart! You will be a better man and father for it. You will then be able to live the example for your son and share that giving forward. Breathe deep. You are now embarking on a whole NEW facet of your life. Make it count!!!! Do it right!!! You can do this!!!!
Originally Posted by markos
Ruikee, I heard Dr. Harley on an old show tell a man that if contacting his children while they were with his WW led to contact with the WW, he should just wait and talk with his children when they were with him, or let the children call him. It won't be long until your children can call you.

Is your wife currently involved with someone else at this point? Have divorce proceedings been initiated?

IMO, you've struggled long and worn yourself out.

Quote
I do have hope once her controlling mother is out of the picture.

What does this mean? Once your wife's controlling mother is out of the picture?

Quote
She told me how sad she was etc.

This was your wife telling you this? If so, this was an invitation to make some love bank deposits and win her back. Is that what you are wanting to do? If so, then talk about her feelings.

She has not been involved with anyone. She says she needs to focus on being a good mother now.
I am hoping she eventually moves out of her parents home and the mother will be more out of the picture.
I agree, i am worn out. I was fine and had alot of hope. Right before Christmas, while her parents were out of town, she called me and said she wanted to reconcile. She wanted to be obedient to God, and the boys needed a father.
I really thought it was going to happen. Then the inlaws came back and she once again became distant, and a month later filed.

Then my hopes were up again when she didnt show up for court.
Someone told me it was like having cancer, telling me it was gone, then getting it back again.....
Originally Posted by markos
What is the visitation schedule with your son like? Do you see him for part of every week?

I see him every Wednesday, Sunday, and every other weekend, plus Holidays and 4 weeks in the summer.

I approached her and said i would like to work towards 50/50 during the week. I would much rather spend the time with him now rather than the long periods in the summer. I dont think he should be away from his mother that long.

She said it was too much back and forth, but thats contradictory when her parents are gone. I keep him overnight because she cant get him to the sitter in the morning. She counts on her father for that.
Then likes to get him for a few hours in the evening then he comes back to me to spend the night.
Originally Posted by HDW
Who thinks you should get back together? You mention this in your last post.

People from church, my pastor, her pastor, brother and sister in law, sons baby sitter.
I would still like help with finding an IM, and do i write a letter as suggested.

I make all the appts for him etc. She does not attend. I take him to all the bdays he is invited to.

His caregive has had concerns about our son showing signs of autism. Wife is a special ed teacher and i believe she is in denial. She agrees that he is developmentally delayed but attributes it to having to go back and forth between us.

So i made the appt to see a specialist. That is tomorrow morning, now she wants to take the day off to go with us to that appt.

with plan B how do you handle these scenarios....

I brought up an IM once and she said she didnt see it as necessary. So i have to see her when we exchange our son. Occasionally she asks what i am doing and with whom....

i say to myself, if its over, it is over, why do you care what i am doing?
You have three options:
Plan B no contact - the IM passes all of the necessary info to your wife. If your divorce decree allows her access to medical appts than she would have a right to accompany you.
Drop offs are at a neutral location. I he's in school it shouldn't be a problem. Pick up and drop off at school. Or at IM house.

Limited contact - you limit all communication to email only. You do not Talk on the phone, Facebook etc. I am in this plan and can offer further guidance if needed. I have developed template letters which are used to notify the wife of medical appts , events etc.
No physical contact (other than medical appts as required by the court)

Your current plan. You already know the details of that.

Limited contact would be your best option with a special needs child. Other experienced plan b divorcees can correct me if I'm wrong.

Also if you absolutely need no contact you could modify the divorce decree. It would cost you money and you would need a letter from a psychologist stating that it is recommended.
Oh and as for her opinion.
It doesn't matter. There is no law requiring you to talk to her.
Yes, I know this to be a fact.
My limited contact letter was sent to my wife 10 minutes after divorce and my atty read it beforehand
There is a possibility that you could win her back using plan a but it is along too much of a toll on your emotional and mental health.

And your health must come before any plan of reconciliation
Originally Posted by markos
Hi, Ruikee. I am glad you are back, but sorry to hear this news.

I am betting that as your son gets older, it will become easier to contact him, because she won't be serving as "gatekeeper" so much. Eventually it will be HIM answering the phone, and that's something to look forward to. At some point you can probably buy him a phone just for contacting you.

I would do everything possible to maximize time spent with him.

I would definitely look into antidepressants to help keep you on an even keel. You need your wits about you, and you need to think rationally.

I would only Plan B if contact with your wife is emotionally damaging to you. Otherwise, I'd try to make every contact with her perfectly positive, being the best you you can be, with no love busters on your part, because there is always a chance that she may change her mind. With some antidepressants to help even out your mood, this might be much easier.

Do read up on parallel parenting. You will not have any control over the decisions she makes for him, and vice versa.

Thanks Markos,
Good to hear from you again. Any advice on an IM? As I said I suggested a while back and she didn't think it was necessary. I feel like it would be best for both of us. She is depressed as well and the me are not working. Not too long ago she said she wanted to work towards doing things together with our son. It sounds good and enticing but it probably wouldn't be healthy at this point for me. Unless I make some progress which I have been really trying hard at.....
Ruikee, IMO you need to read up on Plan B.

Originally Posted by ruikee
Any advice on an IM? As I said I suggested a while back and she didn't think it was necessary. I feel like it would be best for both of us.
Plan B is not done in consultation with your XW. It is done according to your own health and needs.

I know men are supposed to Plan A for up to 6 months... how long has it been for you? I am concerned about the toll it is taking on you.

I think from memory you are already D? Your siggy is a bit confusing...

Please take care of yourself.
Originally Posted by Caracal
Ruikee, IMO you need to read up on Plan B.

Originally Posted by ruikee
Any advice on an IM? As I said I suggested a while back and she didn't think it was necessary. I feel like it would be best for both of us.
Plan B is not done in consultation with your XW. It is done according to your own health and needs.

I know men are supposed to Plan A for up to 6 months... how long has it been for you? I am concerned about the toll it is taking on you.

I think from memory you are already D? Your siggy is a bit confusing...

Please take care of yourself.

Thanks Caracal,
I have read plan b for so many times. My sitch does not involve infidelity on either part. I have asked a few people about being an IM and they didn't want to be involved. That is one dilemma I guess.
The other is with my son. I have received input on that. He is 3 and I have been calling him after bath before bed each night. Some have told me to relegate to waiting until I have him to talk to him. My purpose was two fold, I wanted him to know even though he can't see me, I am always there for him. And as I teach him about Jesus, it will also help him to know that even though he can't see Him, He is always there for him.

The divorce was final at the end of April. Many things happened before that. I was in plan A since Nov 2010. She wanted to reconcile right before Xmas, while her folks were out of town. She wanted to be obedient to God, tired of living with controlling mom, boys need a father, tired of living with regrets.
Parents return, became distant, filed for divorce , didn't show up for first court date.

I had a lot of hope and really thought her heart had changed. Dr Harley agreed her parents (Mother) have been influencing her decisions. Nothing I can do about that. No love busters for a long time.
I want to be a good father, and have our son way more than I am suppose to. I just feels like the wounds are reopened each time I have him.
It now makes me understand why so many dads walk away finding it easier to deal to not deal with that type of pain.
Of course it doesn't make it right by any means, and it really does make it easier. I went on a mission trip not long ago.
When I went, I shut off all phones and focused on the mission trip. Of course there was a lot of things to keep me busy.

Thoughts?

Is your XW still at her parents? Do you ever talk to her?

I'm so sorry for your pain about your DS3. I would continue to talk to him every night. He will know you took the time for him.
Ruikee, I've been thinking about your sitch today. I'm not a vet, and others are welcome to disagree, but I have to put my two cents in as I really feel for you.

I don't think you really understand the plans. Plan B is not just for surviving an affair... Dr H recommends it for marital and personal recovery, regardless of the reasons for the demise of a marriage.

I know you want to fulfil your role as your DS's father, and full credit to you for this. However, reading through this thread, you reference several times how it would be much easier to walk away. I am concerned you are getting to the end of your rope.

Your XW has decided to divorce, and right here and now, there is no marriage to reconcile. Nor does your XW show commitment to wanting to reconcile. Her blowing hot and cold, and pulling your strings, is delaying your healing. Reading through your posts, much of the focus is on XW and what she says, does, wants.

Plan B would change this. Life would become about you and your son, not about how you can win XW back or what effect your next action will have on her.

I am concerned if you stay in the plan you are in, you are just wearing yourself down. Yes, one day XW MIGHT want to reconcile... but she is just as likely to want that if you were in Plan B. She has had Plan A for a long while and at this point has not committed to you.

IMO, from the tone of your posts, Plan B is warranted so you can work on your recovery. For your sake, and your son's.

And please revisit your doctor about your AD's... this might also help level the coaster.
Originally Posted by Ruikee
Originally Posted by markos
What is the visitation schedule with your son like? Do you see him for part of every week?

I see him every Wednesday, Sunday, and every other weekend, plus Holidays and 4 weeks in the summer.

I approached her and said i would like to work towards 50/50 during the week. I would much rather spend the time with him now rather than the long periods in the summer. I dont think he should be away from his mother that long.

She said it was too much back and forth, but thats contradictory when her parents are gone. I keep him overnight because she cant get him to the sitter in the morning. She counts on her father for that.
Then likes to get him for a few hours in the evening then he comes back to me to spend the night.

You need to go to court and get your custody order changed.
She should be paying you child support.
Get an attorney.
And just get away from her and her parents. Or wait until they are dead from old age
Ruikee,

Depression from divorce sucks... it is horrible! Here are some things that help.

1. Eat healthy. If you don't have an appetite, force yourself. Make a smoothy and force it down. (I lost 35 lbs that I did not need to loose). I found once I started eating again, my body had the strength to fight the depression and anxiety.

2. Exercise. Lift weights, ride a bike, run on a treadmill. Go to a gym where there are people around. Workout until you are too exhausted to feel the depression.

3. Read self-help books. There are lots of them. My favorite was "No More Mr. Nice Guy". A great book for men. But read lots of books.

4. Start doing things by yourself. Go to a movie, dinner, walk in the park. (It is hard at first but I do it ALL the time now).

5. Join a divorce support group. (www.divorcecare.org is a great one!)

6. Don't drink... period.

7. Don't date (for quite a while).

8. Spend lots of time with your son. Hug him, tell him you love him, play games with him. As long as he knows that his dad loves him, he will be fine.

9. Get lots of sunshine. Get a sun lamp if you work indoors.

I could go on and on but these things (along with much more) helped me.

Ruikee how are you?
Originally Posted by HDW
Ruikee how are you?

HDW,
I have my days, i took a trip to 29 palms for a week and it was a mistake. I stayed with a friend(at least i thought) that still has alot of anger and bitterness because of their situation. I tried to get out and site see. It just wasnt a good choice on my part as it brought me down. Alot of negativity.
I had my son this weekend. We went to disney on ice. He enjoyed it. Sunday we went to the park. But that nite, i started crying uncontrollably. Not sure why.

He heard me and said, Daddy come sleep by me. Its ok, Mommy is sad and cries too. And he put his little arm around me the entire night.

I had a sleep study last night and tried calling him as he asked me to but she did not answer.

HDW, i havent read your sitch, but sometimes your posts seem a little rough and please do not take offense, but it seems like you may have some anger as well from some of the suggestions you have had.

I do appreciate your input and support, but i do not like being confrontational, as i always have hope. And at the same time i will not be a doormat.

Thank you for checking on me, i really need to find some kind and loving friends.

Blessings...
Have you decided what plan you want to be in?
Originally Posted by HDW
Have you decided what plan you want to be in?
HDW,
I was in plan A for a very long time, and it seem liked it was working until her parents returned after her asking to reconcile.
I know i need to be in plan B, for my well being. Dr Harley recommended a modified plan B? when i was on the show. As of now, i have to see her for exchange of our son. Like i said i asked her about having the IM, and she said she didnt think it was necessary, of course from her perspective.

When i have him occasionally she texts or calls to see how he is doing. Sometimes this sets off my anxiety, thinking if we were together, you wouldnt have to ask. Just being honest.

I noticed you have custody of all 3 of your children. Im sure if i had my son, i would be in a different state of mind.

I have asked a few people to be IM's but they do not want to get involved. So what would be the solution to this part of plan B?

I also want to keep building the relationship with my son and he asks me to call each night. We agreed on a time(his mother and I) but most of the time she doesnt answer. I know he will not forget me, but it obvious that that type of relationship with him is not important to her. I can continue to try, so i can always say that i did.

I have planned to withhold from answering her calls when her parents are out of town. When she usually wants to talk and be vulnerable.

Read the parallel parenting thread.
It addresses all o your concerns.
Make exchanges at a neutral place such as school.
Only communicate with your ex wife via email

If you do not make these changes you will never get over her and you need to move on for your own good
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Have you read this?
Parallel Parenting

Have you been to your doctor for some ADs?

Are you in Plan B?
Here I posted to you back on 8-14-12.

Here has all the Plan B information/links in this thread.
How to Plan B Correctly
Originally Posted by HDW
Read the parallel parenting thread.
It addresses all o your concerns.
Make exchanges at a neutral place such as school.
Only communicate with your ex wife via email

If you do not make these changes you will never get over her and you need to move on for your own good

I have read and reread all of these several times. I need to find a solution for this:
INTERMEDIARY (IM)
~Find an IM. There is no substitute for this. Do not underestimate the importance of an IM. Do not think �only� text messages or �only� emails are acceptable. They aren�t. YOU MUST FIND AN IM. It can be a family member, a friend or (best bet) someone from MB. A CLOSE family member (parent or in-law) isn�t recommended ~ they are usually not able to stay neutral enough and if you get into recovery this could be difficult.

Like i said, i asked a few people and they didnt want to get involved.

Our sons sitter is closed this Friday and Monday. I have known this for some time, it is posted on the sign in sheet and in the yearly calendar.

It seems she always brings these things up when i have our son.

Yesterday, she texted me asking me if a could help, since i dont have him on either day. It was hard because i love spending time with our son. I just text back and said No i cant, im sorry.

Then later she text again asking if i could watch him next week so she could go to parent weekend to see my stepson. I have not responded.

That is my dilemna, those things are what i have problems with. If i have no IM do i just ignore her?

To be honest i dont think about her as much as i used to. My emotions are affected when i have to drop off my son. He doesnt want to go, he cries and wants to stay with me. I feel compassion for him because i know what it feels like to be abandon and i hurt for him.
You don't need an IM to have limited contact with her.
I don't use an IM and most of the parallel parenting thread doesn't talk about using an IM.

I can help you establish limited contact.
Some people need an IM for their emotional health. If you feel you need an IM I would be willing to help.
However I encourage you to try Limited Contact first.
I can give you more info about limited contact if needed. I have developed form letters etc so when she contacts you can just copy and paste without really thinking of how to respond every time
Originally Posted by Ruikee
Originally Posted by HDW
Who thinks you should get back together? You mention this in your last post.

People from church, my pastor, her pastor, brother and sister in law, sons baby sitter.

it is my belief if you can reunite do

maybe you seek therapy for how to co exist with the controlling mother in law
Originally Posted by HDW
You don't need an IM to have limited contact with her.
I don't use an IM and most of the parallel parenting thread doesn't talk about using an IM.

I can help you establish limited contact.
Some people need an IM for their emotional health. If you feel you need an IM I would be willing to help.
However I encourage you to try Limited Contact first.
I can give you more info about limited contact if needed. I have developed form letters etc so when she contacts you can just copy and paste without really thinking of how to respond every time


Recommend you take HDW's advice/help. Limited contact seems like it would fit your situation well. Scheduling your pickups and drop offs in neutral locations could also help a lot with the separation anxiety for him.
Originally Posted by HDW
You don't need an IM to have limited contact with her.
I don't use an IM and most of the parallel parenting thread doesn't talk about using an IM.

I can help you establish limited contact.
Some people need an IM for their emotional health. If you feel you need an IM I would be willing to help.
However I encourage you to try Limited Contact first.
I can give you more info about limited contact if needed. I have developed form letters etc so when she contacts you can just copy and paste without really thinking of how to respond every time
HDW,

Thanks, please help me as much as possible. If you think i should try limited contact first, please help me with that. I dont know, but like i said, yesterday really bothered me and i wasnt able to focus on my time with my son because she wast contacting me to help with her poor planning.

Thanks again.....
Step 1: Create an email account designated for contact with ex wife only. You can create one on gmail or aol or yahoo in about 5 minutes. This account will only be used for communication with ex wife
Step 2: use this letter as a template and text or email it to ex wife:

As of today (Date) I will only communicate with you by email (designate email address).�
I will only respond to emails concerning our children or other issues as required by Court Order.�
Emails will be reviewed every 24 hours.�

Please do not phone, write, text message or contact me in person or in any other manner.�You are trespassed from my residence. Future child pick ups and drop offs will be made (curb side, at school, church, etc)

While children are in my custody i will have them call you daily at 6:30 pm.�

In the event of an actual child related emergency please contact my father at xxxxxand/or my sister at xxxxx and I will immediately respond.�
Quote
Our sons sitter is closed this Friday and Monday. I have known this for some time, it is posted on the sign in sheet and in the yearly calendar.

It seems she always brings these things up when i have our son.

Yesterday, she texted me asking me if a could help, since i dont have him on either day. It was hard because i love spending time with our son. I just text back and said No i cant, im sorry.

Then later she text again asking if i could watch him next week so she could go to parent weekend to see my stepson. I have not responded.


Hi Ruikee, I've been reading along your thread because my H completely walked away from his son and your emotions are helpful to me to see. I'm curious about these requests from your ex...would you be able to care for your son during these times? You said earlier how painful it was to not have him more, and it wasn't clear from your post if you can't have him during these times she's offering or are choosing not to do as not to help her out.
Originally Posted by JenniferVoyager
Quote
Our sons sitter is closed this Friday and Monday. I have known this for some time, it is posted on the sign in sheet and in the yearly calendar.

It seems she always brings these things up when i have our son.

Yesterday, she texted me asking me if a could help, since i dont have him on either day. It was hard because i love spending time with our son. I just text back and said No i cant, im sorry.

Then later she text again asking if i could watch him next week so she could go to parent weekend to see my stepson. I have not responded.


Hi Ruikee, I've been reading along your thread because my H completely walked away from his son and your emotions are helpful to me to see. I'm curious about these requests from your ex...would you be able to care for your son during these times? You said earlier how painful it was to not have him more, and it wasn't clear from your post if you can't have him during these times she's offering or are choosing not to do as not to help her out.
Jennifer,
There's just a little difference here depending on how you look at it. she doesn't have anyone to watch him when her parents are gone. So she asks me. On the same note if there is something neat that I can do with him, and I ask, she never let's me have him. I may be wrong, but it seems like its only when it's convenient for her.
I have helped out many times. I have had him more than the time she is suppose to have him. She is a teacher and has the summers off. I took my Sumer visits when she chose to work for summer school so she didn't have to pay the sitter. She went to a family reunion in Reno and didn't take him. She went to England with her mother and I had him.
These two days I couldn't due to work and short notice.
To address your question about emotions, I can now see why it's so much easier for a man to walk away from the children. They are painful reminders of what once was. It like that wound is reopened each time we are with them. and most men even though they will not admit it feel a lot of shame when the family is broken up no matter who's fault it was or what happened.

I have read all of the MB books. But there is one that really explains what man and woman feels like and there emotions. I attended a boot camp for compassion. A couple was there and they had divorced and remarried. The wife said had she read this book, she would never have divorced him. She gave it to a divorced friend of hers and she said the same thing. So it must speak volumes to women. I don't know if I can post it but it has a pink cover and was written by dr stosney and dr love. Do a search for compassion power and it will be there. I hope this helps and I will be willing to share how I would feel in certain situations to possibly help you understand.

Blessings to you
Originally Posted by HDW
Step 2: use this letter as a template and text or email it to ex wife:

As of today (Date) I will only communicate with you by email (designate email address).�
I will only respond to emails concerning our children or other issues as required by Court Order.�
Emails will be reviewed every 24 hours.�

Please do not phone, write, text message or contact me in person or in any other manner.�You are trespassed from my residence. Future child pick ups and drop offs will be made (curb side, at school, church, etc)

While children are in my custody i will have them call you daily at 6:30 pm.�

In the event of an actual child related emergency please contact my father at xxxxxand/or my sister at xxxxx and I will immediately respond.�

HDW,
Thank you, I read one of your posts asking if you should write a LL to your wife, did you do that?
What is the next step? If she texts me asking about something that is already in our court agreement, do I just ignore the question?
I appreciate your help and this is very hard to do because I have such an empathetic and compassionate heart.
Just respond with "according to court agreement XYZ".

If it's something she keeps trying to get around the court order and you've already responded then just ignore her.
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Just respond with "according to court agreement XYZ".

If it's something she keeps trying to get around the court order and you've already responded then just ignore her.


Yes. I have the following Template to be used:

I am in receipt of your recent email.�
Insofar as your email does not concern child or other Court Order related issues I will not address the issues you raised.�
Please confine your emails to child related issues only.�
Thank you�

Originally Posted by Ruikee
Originally Posted by HDW
Step 2: use this letter as a template and text or email it to ex wife:

As of today (Date) I will only communicate with you by email (designate email address).�
I will only respond to emails concerning our children or other issues as required by Court Order.�
Emails will be reviewed every 24 hours.�

Please do not phone, write, text message or contact me in person or in any other manner.�You are trespassed from my residence. Future child pick ups and drop offs will be made (curb side, at school, church, etc)

While children are in my custody i will have them call you daily at 6:30 pm.�

In the event of an actual child related emergency please contact my father at xxxxxand/or my sister at xxxxx and I will immediately respond.�

HDW,
Thank you, I read one of your posts asking if you should write a LL to your wife, did you do that?
What is the next step? If she texts me asking about something that is already in our court agreement, do I just ignore the question?
I appreciate your help and this is very hard to do because I have such an empathetic and compassionate heart.

First, if she texts you it means she is testing to see if you will stick to the email only policy. This is the template to be used if she texts you:

"Please limit communication to email only. If I receive future text messages I will block them. Thank you. "

Then you block her text messages
Please consider that all of the templates I provide are polite but firm.
That is what is needed in setting personal boundaries.
We do not insult or degrade our ex wife's. We are polite. We write responses that we will gladly share with a judge.
BTW, one reason for having a designated email account is so we can produce records of conversations in court if needed
Step 3: court orders usually require you to share certain information.
This is how you can meet the court order with no direct contact:

Template letter: (go to google an create a shared calendar)


In an effort to more efficiently share important child event dates such as doctor appointments, school events, vacations, etc I have created an online calendar.
You will soon receive an email from Google with instructions on how to access this calendar online.
Thank you

HDW,
Is there a way we can communicate other than this site. I would like to get some more insite.
I discussed these templates with my therapist, and my therapist did not agree with this type of communication at this point. I dont think its being said to keep me coming back because i need to anyway.

Do you have any other templates, or anything to share.

I also asked that i seen one of your other posts asking about the LL but never received a response. Did you send one?

Blessings....
My atty pointed me to this. So far my STBXW has refused to use it. Courts like it. Isn't free but isn't expensive either.

http://www.ourfamilywizard.com/ofw/
I suggest you call Dr Harley on the radio show.
It's obvious that your current method isn't healthy for you.
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