I have been very busy, went back to school again, when I was first here, I discovered WS affair while in school. Went back to school, still married, I keep thinking about divorce alot.
If you think about divorce often, you are not in love with your husband.
Did you start Dr. Harley's Surviving an Affair program and then quit?
It is very hard to maintain a loving marriage while going back to school. Especially if you have young kids. I have a few questions.
Are you still living in your home and sleeping in you bed (with you spouse), while going to school?
Is this your first marriage?
How long have you all been together? and how long have you been married?
Did you both enthusiastically decide that you should go back to school?
Is your spouse in love with the person they had an affair with?
And, how does your spouse feel about working on the marriage?
Yes I strated surviving an affair and quit, I had reasons that others here did not agree with for not doing plan B I could not make my kids give up everything. I guess in a way, we do plan b
I live in my home, my spouse has not lived here in 10 years (his dad needs him, is his story). Yes to first marriage for me, 2nd for him
together 22 years, married 16
he was not on board the first time I went to school, but eventuallly he saw the value in it, and in the last 7 years he was glad I went to school because I got a better job, better pay, while he was laid off often, my improved status kept us from losing everything. When we were first together, we talked about my being a stay at home mom, becaue he made enough to support us, I had better medical, so I kept working for the benefits. I saw my job coming to an end, and knew i needed to go back to school, so I did. I first discovered the affair while I was in school, almost flunked out because of it I made it through, graduated. My main focus then was to get through school. I worked full time and was in school full time. Had no choice but to go to school full time, the program required it and I knew a better job meant I could provide for my kids on my own. I have found out that he was verally abusive to the kids in my absence. I trusted him to be a good dad. Now they are telling me what went on back then. I let them down. Kids are now 20, 19 and 15. Now he treats them better is what they tell me. A year ago I found out he has 2 kids with her. He says he does not love her, he says he does not want a divorce. At this point, does it really matter what he wants? 22 years ago I went into this as anyone else does. We married 16 years ago, I did not expect him to cheat on me early into the marriage, I suspected, but did not find out until we were married about 3 years. At that point, I could not afford a divorce, or wanted one. Up until I found out about the kids he has with her, I wass trying to work on things after that I had not been that involved in working on the marriage, we go through the motions of being married, minus the living in the same home. He still feels like it is his home, but does not sleep here. We maintain a joint account to pay all financial aspects we go out as a family, we attend family holiday events, we went on two family vacations in the last two years to visit our boys when they graduated from boot camp and AIT (they joined the NG, and did a split op, where they went to boot camp, came home then did job training the next summer). He wants me to sell the house and we buy a new one. I heard that OW has cancer,I wonder if he wants me to sell, so we can buy a house to raise those kids in. I don't think I have it in me to raise her kids. Im a caring woman, I don't know if I am that caring. Oh, he does not think it needs working on, but I'm sure he is worried about it, because I have no intereest in sex lost interest around the same time I found out about the kids. My second round of school, is was in agreement with, he understood why a 2 year degree was limiting my job oppourtnities and I needed my 4 yr degree. He has been very helpful with that. Im bad in math and had to take two math cources and he helped me with them, as he is good in math. Kids know, they started guessing and asked me. I did not lie to them. I made spouse introduce our kids with the 2 he has with her. They wanted to meet and our kids said it is not their fault that their parents are dumb. I figured the kids would wonder about each other and it is not fair to them. He brings them around for special events, such as christmas. I also made him tell his mom, as she had a right to know she has 2 more grandchildren. It does not hurt me any more, that stopped ears ago. Sometimes I figure, it is working like this, why go through the hassle and expense of a divorce, you live like our are, the only thing is I don't date, for many reasons, I am married, and I have no interest
Are you willing to try Dr. Harley's methods this time or are you here to just blog and visit other posters?
I'm willing to try anything that can save my marriage.
SwH,
You aren't in Plan B at all. Your WH has an OW with 2 kids and you continue to live like this? Your poor kids must be confused as heck. Do you want to use MB now?
Did you ever expose his affairs?
My kids are not confused, I have been very open and honest with them. They all asked me why I did not divorce him and I told them it was for them. I told them that it was not acceptable for me to have them give up what they love, their house, their pets and their activities because their father cheated, and that is what divorce would have done to us, as I could afford it on my own, and child support would not have been enough to cover it. They told me they would have had they known. I raised some good kids, but I was not going to have them pay the price of his cheating. Cheating and divorce effect everyone, so I was doing all I could to cushion them as much as possible. and of course his affair has been exposed, if others know about his other kids, the affair had to be exposed. We don't live in a bubble. I don't know what I want, but I was wrong to come back here. MB served is purpose in the beginning, it helped me feel less crazy. GB, a friend I made here told me not to come back, she was write.
He wants me to sell the house and we buy a new one. I heard that OW has cancer,I wonder if he wants me to sell, so we can buy a house to raise those kids in.
Or he may just want his share of any equity out of the house. Why would he want another house with you and he doesn't even live with you now...and hasn't for ten years. This makes no sense other than he wants to free up funds.
Why do you stay married? Your children have a horrible example of marriage.
My kids are not confused, I have been very open and honest with them.
Your kids are horribly confused because of the insanity that has been demonstrated by their parents. They have watched their dad maintain 2 homes while their mother does nothing to protest because she has no boundaries. She lives a life of extreme enabling because she has a death grip on a long dead, bloated, rotting body. And sadly she uses the kids as an excuse. It is like the battered wife who gets beat up every day and just smiles and pretends like all is well. Sick, sick, sick...
That is not how normal, mentally healthy people live. Your children will have to grow up and learn on their own how normal, functional adults demonstrate healthy boundaries around others. I can only hope they are voracious readers so they can learn about normalcy.
They all asked me why I did not divorce him and I told them it was for them.
They know better than this. It was all for you because they certainly did not benefit from living in such a dysfunctional, crazy environment.
I told them that it was not acceptable for me to have them give up what they love, their house, their pets and their activities because their father cheated, and that is what divorce would have done to us, as I could afford it on my own, and child support would not have been enough to cover it.
These are all "things" that will never serve to compensate for the lack of sanity in their lives. We have mnay divorced families on this forum and the children do much better when their parents demonstrate good judgment and remove themselves from harmful, abusive situations.
We don't live in a bubble. I don't know what I want, but I was wrong to come back here. MB served is purpose in the beginning, it helped me feel less crazy. GB, a friend I made here told me not to come back, she was write.
That is because your "friend" is an enabler who does not care about you. No "friend" would sit by and say nothing in such a destructive, sick arrangement. The forum has changed dramatically to a place where people actually get direction in the Marriage Builders program versus a blogging forum where personal opinion reigned supreme. We actually SAVE marriages here today. Some end up divorced and very often that is the definition of success. But staying in an abusive marriage is not the definition of success. For anyone.