Marriage Builders
Posted By: reading Plan B broken after six years - 04/17/16 04:33 AM
I separated from my (ex) WH six years ago, divorced him two years ago and broke Plan B only last week.

He is dying from cancer and was in the ICU of a local hospital.

I went with our oldest child and visited him for half an hour.

It was neutral ground and thanks to Plan B.....I have some love left for him in my Love Bank.

I liken Plan B to a "pause" button. You press the button and it suspends all love bank withdrawals.

I won't go into details about the visit but it made me very happy for the pause button.

Posted By: TheRoad Re: Plan B broken after six years - 04/17/16 12:38 PM
Glad you had a pause button.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Plan B broken after six years - 04/18/16 08:26 AM
Thanks for sharing. Wow six years. Do you think it hurt or helped your personal recovery?
Posted By: reading Re: Plan B broken after six years - 04/18/16 02:40 PM
Helped.

It allowed me to avoid toxic situations and to be a better parent to our children.

Having an amazing IM and support system made it possible.
Posted By: SugarCane Re: Plan B broken after six years - 04/18/16 03:19 PM
I think Brain might have meant - did breaking Plan B help or hurt?

Did seeing him before he died help, or hurt your personal recovery?
Posted By: reading Re: Plan B broken after six years - 04/19/16 03:03 AM
Seeing him helped.

I saw him for me. And, after years of healing, I know that my feelings count.

Posted By: Justthe3ofus Re: Plan B broken after six years - 04/19/16 04:33 AM
I am happy that this was good for you, Reading. I hope you're doing okay.
Posted By: SugarCane Re: Plan B broken after six years - 04/19/16 05:38 PM
Originally Posted by reading
I separated from my (ex) WH six years ago, divorced him two years ago and broke Plan B only last week.

He is dying from cancer and was in the ICU of a local hospital.

I went with our oldest child and visited him for half an hour.

It was neutral ground and thanks to Plan B.....I have some love left for him in my Love Bank.

I liken Plan B to a "pause" button. You press the button and it suspends all love bank withdrawals.

I won't go into details about the visit but it made me very happy for the pause button.
I do worry about the impact that this post might have on those in Plan B. We can see that another poster has come to the site wondering what to do about an ex husband who is in hospital, and I think that you might be giving the impression that visiting exes under such circumstances is an acceptable breach of Plan B.

I think that you and other posters are free to do whatever you like about an ex who is dying, or critically injured, but I don't think that the idea of a "pause' for Plan B should ever be allowed to take hold on this forum.

You haven't really explained how seeing your ex, and discovering that you still had love for him, helped your personal recovery, especially since you are fully divorced from him and he has not begged you to take him back. Your feelings of love for him have been revived; is that a good thing? Did he express feelings of love for you, and is there any prospect of your being reunited for the short time he has left? If not, do you intend to go back to Plan B after this "pause"?

Is he still in his affair?

If he is, then how does seeing him and feeling love for him help you, when he has little time left and shows no sign of putting right the wrong he did to you?

I really would not want other posters to think that a "pause" in Plan B will help their recovery. As a rule, it will not.
Posted By: BS37NF Re: Plan B broken after six years - 04/19/16 05:40 PM
Originally Posted by SugarCane
Originally Posted by reading
I separated from my (ex) WH six years ago, divorced him two years ago and broke Plan B only last week.

He is dying from cancer and was in the ICU of a local hospital.

I went with our oldest child and visited him for half an hour.

It was neutral ground and thanks to Plan B.....I have some love left for him in my Love Bank.

I liken Plan B to a "pause" button. You press the button and it suspends all love bank withdrawals.

I won't go into details about the visit but it made me very happy for the pause button.
I do worry about the impact that this post might have on those in Plan B. We can see that another poster has come to the site wondering what to do about an ex husband who is in hospital, and I think that you might be giving the impression that visiting exes under such circumstances is an acceptable breach of Plan B.

I think that you and other posters are free to do whatever you like about an ex who is dying, or critically injured, but I don't think that the idea of a "pause' for Plan B should ever be allowed to take hold on this forum.

You haven't really explained how seeing your ex, and discovering that you still had love for him, helped your personal recovery, especially since you are fully divorced from him and he has not begged you to take him back. Your feelings of love for him have been revived; is that a good thing? Did he express feelings of love for you, and is there any prospect of your being reunited for the short time he has left? If not, do you intend to go back to Plan B after this "pause"?

Is he still in his affair?

If he is, then how does seeing him and feeling love for him help you, when he has little time left and shows no sign of putting right the wrong he did to you?

I really would not want other posters to think that a "pause" in Plan B will help their recovery. As a rule, it will not.

Where's the "Like" button for this?
Posted By: reading Re: Plan B broken after six years - 04/20/16 05:17 AM
YKW?

Feel free to criticize sharing my experience.

I am okay with that and understand that some people will never, ever, ever break Plan B.

I didn't break it for six years. I get it.


Posted By: TheRoad Re: Plan B broken after six years - 04/20/16 10:29 AM
Those that are against the OP breaking NC fail to see that it is better to say their good byes to a terminal ill patient BEFORE they are dead.

The tend to hear and respond to conversation better before that time.

The OP's reason to see him are valid at this time.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Plan B broken after six years - 04/20/16 12:20 PM
Originally Posted by TheRoad
Those that are against the OP breaking NC fail to see that it is better to say their good byes to a terminal ill patient BEFORE they are dead.

The tend to hear and respond to conversation better before that time.

The OP's reason to see him are valid at this time.

So sez someone who has never been in Plan B himself. WE say "goodbye" to our x-spouses when we go dark. I don't fault reading for doing this, but my experience with breaking Plan B was very different. I saw my XH in 2010 and it didn't make me feel good in any way, it made me feel sick. All the bad feelings related to his affair and the death of our marriage came flooding back. I have helped many people in Plan B over the years and they had the same experience. Taking a pause is not something I would ever recommend to anyone.
Posted By: apples123 Re: Plan B broken after six years - 04/20/16 12:42 PM
Also, I don't know that "pause" is the best descriptor for Readings situation. The XWH is dying. Plan B will soon be a non-issue.

(not trying to put words in your mouth or be crass, reading.)
Posted By: reading Re: Plan B broken after six years - 04/20/16 12:52 PM
"So one of the most important reasons for a spouse, particularly a wife, to go from plan A to plan B is to protect herself from the physical effects of long-term and intense stress."
Dr. H

from
http://www.marriagebuilders.com//graphic/mbi8113_ab.html


Melodylane.....you can indeed be someone who stays in further Plan B. It is your situation and choice.


Posted By: SugarCane Re: Plan B broken after six years - 04/20/16 01:04 PM
Originally Posted by reading
YKW?

Feel free to criticize sharing my experience.

I am okay with that and understand that some people will never, ever, ever break Plan B.

I didn't break it for six years. I get it.
reading, you're reacting quite emotionally, and I am sorry that I upset you. However, are you able to respond to my points, which boil down this:

Is your ex still in the affair?

How, then, did seeing him make you feel better?
Posted By: SusieQ Re: Plan B broken after six years - 04/20/16 03:16 PM
Originally Posted by SugarCane
Originally Posted by reading
YKW?

Feel free to criticize sharing my experience.

I am okay with that and understand that some people will never, ever, ever break Plan B.

I didn't break it for six years. I get it.
reading, you're reacting quite emotionally, and I am sorry that I upset you. However, are you able to respond to my points, which boil down this:

Is your ex still in the affair?

How, then, did seeing him make you feel better?

I think these are legitimate questions and I was wondering the same.
Posted By: SusieQ Re: Plan B broken after six years - 04/20/16 03:30 PM
Originally Posted by reading
It was neutral ground and thanks to Plan B.....I have some love left for him in my Love Bank.

I liken Plan B to a "pause" button. You press the button and it suspends all love bank withdrawals.

I won't go into details about the visit but it made me very happy for the pause button.

I don't believe Dr Harley advocates keeping your love bank balance neutral after a divorce from a wayward spouse in the hopes that you can someday respond to them with some love bank units left in your account.

I believe he thinks of Plan B post divorce as a protective measure, almost like avoiding a trigger of a bad memory or avoiding a abusive/angry person. I have personally had conversation with Dr Harley regarding my WxH and contact I have had to have with him post D (court issues - forced contact) and he basically indicated that I should avoid the contact if I could (I couldn't) and when I told him that my WxH was basically a whiny baby, he joked that maybe the contact wasn't such a bad idea after all.

He also told me that a WS that divorces due to an affair, that this is the kind of mistake that person will never recover from - that this WS will likely suffer from depression for the rest of their life, etc.

I can personally say that my exWH has a very typical wayward victim mentality - and in my interactions with him post-D he has gone from one extreme to another, apologizing for hurting me (with tears in his eyes - mind you, this was while in court one of the issues being that he had just filed for sole custody of DS) and wanting a hug.....to the following week allowing his wicked wife to send me yet another nasty email because he didn't get his way with a visitation change request. He's a toxic person and not someone I choose to interact with if I can avoid it regardless of any love bank balance. I think this is typical for a wayward spouse that end the marriage in divorce from an affair (from my experience, others that I know who have D from a WS and from Dr Harley's' comments).
Posted By: mrEureka Re: Plan B broken after six years - 04/20/16 08:16 PM
I see this present discussion as more of a forgiveness discussion than just a Plan B discussion, in as much as the fact that the only true motivation for breaking Plan B is to offer an olive branch to the dying WS. I have heard many sermons and read many testimonials on this subject. Most advocate for forgiveness at all costs, as if universal forgiveness is what God desires of us. Well, we are imperfect sinful humans who are not capable of truly forgiving. In as much as God does not forgive those who do not repent, one can question the necessity for us to forgive in the case of infidelity, anyway. The best we can do is lay the whole matter at the foot of the cross and walk away from it. When you think about it, that is essentially what Plan B has you do. Does an impending death give you a cause to walk back to the cross and pick the problem back up for yourself? You can think so, if you think that you are somehow able to compensate for your own sin. I don't believe that any of us are. So, breaking Plan B is not a good idea. It is more likely to cause you sin through your own pride and self-righteousness, since none of us are capable of offering true forgiveness, anyway.
Posted By: reading Re: Plan B broken after six years - 04/21/16 02:19 AM
I am not emotionally responding at all.

I didn't break Plan B after six years for any reason other than.....

I have survived and healed.

I shared in the Divorcing/Divorced forum (not the Surviving an Affair one) because I thought it would be a good thing to share.

I won't go into details because......they don't matter.

I healed.

I survived.

Someone will understand and appreciate that.

Posted By: Prisca Re: Plan B broken after six years - 04/21/16 03:21 AM
Quote
I didn't break it for six years. I get it.
I don't think you DO get it. You don't get that there are people here who are desperate to grab onto an anchor when they need to be thrown a life vest. You are throwing the anchor.

Getting your feathers ruffled when Sugarcane expresses some real concern really shows that you don't get it at all.
Posted By: Prisca Re: Plan B broken after six years - 04/21/16 03:27 AM
Quote
I am not emotionally responding at all.
Yet you snapped at Sugarcane?

Quote
I didn't break Plan B after six years for any reason other than.....

I have survived and healed.
So you turned around and walked right back into the fire? Where's the logic in that?

And you let the idea be put out there that it's safe and okay to break Plan B occasionally on a board full of people who cannot afford to do so. Where is your compassion?
Posted By: TheRoad Re: Plan B broken after six years - 04/21/16 09:37 PM
**EDIT**

Moderate note: stop this immediately. It has nothing to do with "black or white" and everything to do with motivation of people whose marriages are in crisis. If you do not understand this, do not keep arguing about it on this board.
Posted By: reading Re: Plan B broken after six years - 05/01/16 02:24 AM
I didn't snap at all.

Stay in Plan B. You must protect yourselves.

I chose to break it after six years.

Posted By: reading Re: Plan B broken after six years - 05/01/16 02:27 AM
It is interesting that anyone thinks that I am going back "into the fire".

I am not.

This particular subset of the forum is
Divorcing/Divorced

It is important to keep that in mind. Healing from an affair, being betrayed does not define my life any longer. People who are not healed do not get to run my life. I do. I matter. I count. I gave 'it' my all for years and I am a MarriageBuilders success story.



Posted By: Prisca Re: Plan B broken after six years - 05/01/16 02:31 AM
Quote
This particular subset of the forum is
Divorcing/Divorced
That has nothing to do with the price of tea in China, nor with what we posted to you.
Posted By: reading Re: Plan B broken after six years - 05/01/16 02:32 AM
?
Prisca, I am not sure what that means.

But, I remember feeling the way you do so I will just continue to recommend MarriageBuilders
and
not try to defend myself for choosing to see the man I was married to for two and a half decades and had three children with as he was dying.
Posted By: Prisca Re: Plan B broken after six years - 05/01/16 02:42 AM
Quote
so I will just continue to recommend MarriageBuilders
But, you're not following Marriage Builders.
Posted By: reading Re: Plan B broken after six years - 05/01/16 02:44 AM
Prisca,
I am sorry you are feeling that way.

I do understand.
Posted By: Prisca Re: Plan B broken after six years - 05/01/16 05:24 PM
It's not about my feelings, reading. It's about facts. It is a fact that you are not following Marriage Builders if you are breaking Plan B (even if you're divorced, and even if it's been 6 years).
Posted By: SusieQ Re: Plan B broken after six years - 05/01/16 10:28 PM
Originally Posted by reading
It was neutral ground and thanks to Plan B.....I have some love left for him in my Love Bank.

I liken Plan B to a "pause" button. You press the button and it suspends all love bank withdrawals.

I won't go into details about the visit but it made me very happy for the pause button.

reading, if you want to break Plan B, then go and break Plan B. You don't have to answer to us.

But to say that Dr Harley wants us to have Plan B "pause" button to maintain love for our ex WSs in case we want to see them one day again (whatever the reason may be) is INCORRECT.

Period.

Stop twisting it around.

I have had forced broken Plan B with my ex and it's nothing but a nightmare.
Posted By: SusieQ Re: Plan B broken after six years - 05/01/16 11:02 PM
Originally Posted by reading
I won't go into details because......they don't matter.

I healed.

I survived.

Someone will understand and appreciate that.

I hope the moderators delete this thread because your words are dangerous for the still hanging on BW who wants contact with her WH - even after years. Your almost making it seem heroic - look! I've healed and look at what I can do now. Wrong message.

I don't see ANY benefit at all and have never heard Dr Harley advocate breaking Plan B.

reading, I say this in all seriousness, I find it sad that you still love your WxH after 6 years and would even want to go see him, especially when his OW is still in the picture. That's not the picture of successful Plan B. I am friends with many divorced BW, none of them would want to go visit their ex in the hospital, deathbed or not, and would not view having maintained a lovebank as a victory.

I don't think this is what Dr Harley would want for you. Honestly I think you would benefit from contacting Dr Harley and asking for his advice for your situation. I am wondering if a removal of any triggers such as a move etc would help you in moving on from these feelings you have kept for your ex after all these years.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Plan B broken after six years - 05/02/16 02:21 AM
I agree. Would you contact Dr. Harley and see what he has to say? As the others have pointed out this is dangerous advice for other BWs that want to stay in contact with their WHs.
Posted By: reading Re: Plan B broken after six years - 09/04/16 03:16 AM
Well, I have to say that my WxH is dead.

Dr. Harley said Plan B is to protect the betrayed spouse. To protect the Love Bank.

I was protected for years. My Love Bank was intact. Marriage builders helped me Survive an Affair.

Thank you Dr. Harley.
Posted By: TheRoad Re: Plan B broken after six years - 09/04/16 08:50 AM
My condolences.
Posted By: top rope Re: Plan B broken after six years - 09/06/16 08:12 PM
reading,
Thanks for sharing your situation.

I can appreciate your actions and the reasons behind them.
Truly hope you got what you needed out of this experience.

Take care.
Posted By: Justthe3ofus Re: Plan B broken after six years - 10/13/16 11:49 PM
Reading,
All the love and all the hurt has burned on the pyre now. You've healed, which is never a guarantee in the case of infidelity, so you are indeed a MB success story.

I would like to be knocked in the head and suffer amnesia over my WW, but that ain't happening, so I'm left with many great memories that haunt me daily. I want them to dissipate, but in spite of my wishes they count for something. In your case, maybe the goodness of what happened before the nightmare was honored on the deathbed. Nothing more. Since he is now gone, the Plan B issue is also gone.
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