And a year+ later.... - 12/30/16 03:52 AM
It's been over a year since I last posted, and I just thought I'd drop by and leave an update to our situation. Just an FYI for the people that previously offered advice, and a sort of closure for me for the new year.
I filed for divorce in July 2015 to protect myself financially from a mortgage that Remark was pursuing. We discussed the options and decided on this route, knowing it could simply be tossed out if we got our act together. Whenever asked, Remark consistently responded that he wanted to save our marriage, yet he continued to focus almost all of his time and energy on rehabbing his condo. He also purchased a new car and a motorcycle, without my prior knowledge. In November, I discovered that he had created an account on Match.com and was receiving "daily matches."
In November, we also got notice of our hearing date, scheduled for January.
Seeing the end in sight, I asked Remark for some tangible effort to back up his claim that he wanted to reconcile, or to simply tell me he wanted to proceed with the divorce. So in December, we had some significant contact with Dr. Harley. At the end of December, Dr. Harley's evaluation to me was not encouraging.
In January, we discussed what to do about the pending court date. Neither had any real hope, and we decided to just let it play out. So on Jan 13, 2016, we divorced. We did so quite calmly and amiable, without attorneys, even claiming to want to remain friends.
In spite of this, Remark tells people that *I* divorced *him*. Several times, I've reminded him of how we discussed and decided together at every step, and he'll recall and admit to it, but then shortly after reverts back to his original stance. Apparently, it's just something he needs to believe.
Over the next six months, without the conflict and tension associated with trying to make a "marriage," we got along fairly well. I had no desire to pursue someone else, and we still had our son to consider, so I would ask Remark if he wanted to try dating each other. He always said "yes," though it rarely actually happened. By July, he told me he had met someone on Match.com and didn't want to try with me anymore, even though he previously told me that he had canceled his membership. I found out afterwards that he had been dating women he met on Match.com the whole time. I was thankful that we weren't sexual during that time.
Remark and this woman got very involved, very quickly. By August, he was doing regular sleepovers with her. Our son walked in on them one night in bed together, but Remark was unmoved and defended his actions. He kept trying to push her and our son together, even punishing our son because he wanted nothing to do with her. By September, our son was living with me full-time and refused to even speak to Remark. Even after 3 months of total rejection by our son, Remark continues his heavy involvement with this woman, valuing his relationship with her over his relationship with his son. I can't even imagine.
A male friend of his (ours) told me today that he had even tried to organize an "intervention," because he(they/the group of Remark's male friends) were so appalled by Remark's behavior and the damage he was doing to our son. But the pastor that has counseled Remark intensely for years said it wouldn't do any good because Remark still doesn't recognize his own faults, and "doesn't have ears to hear." And while the validation is always comforting to me to hear, it doesn't help my son's situation unfortunately. At this point, it's a conscious choice and effort to remain amiable with him.
I wasn't in any hurry to start dating anyway, but seeing the impact this has had on my son has caused me to choose not to date at least until my son is off to college. At least. I started attending DivorceCare a few months back. And hearing the women in the group describe their exes, and knowing that those men are the types of men out there in the dating scene makes it easy to resist.
And actually, I'm quite content with the way things are right now. I'm using this time to rediscover the person I used to be but lost along the way, defining what I want my future to look like. It was tough at first, knowing that the hopes and plans and dreams I had for my marriage were no longer going to be possible. And part of me still feels married; but then I spent the better part of my adult life with one person. I think maybe I'm still in love with the person I married, but I also know that that person never actually existed.
Given all that, I don't regret the divorce at all, for myself. I wish there had been another way for my son. But I've been able to let go of my anger; I feel good about myself for the first time in years; I've been able to do things for myself and be a little "selfish" for a change, without worrying about POJA. I am genuinely better off now. And without discounting the negative impact of the divorce on my son, there have been positive benefits to him as well, the biggest being the the overall tone of our home and the state of his/my relationship. He's a great kid!
Still some work to be done, but for the most part, life is good and getting better all the time! I have hope for a happy future, which I haven't had in a long time.
I filed for divorce in July 2015 to protect myself financially from a mortgage that Remark was pursuing. We discussed the options and decided on this route, knowing it could simply be tossed out if we got our act together. Whenever asked, Remark consistently responded that he wanted to save our marriage, yet he continued to focus almost all of his time and energy on rehabbing his condo. He also purchased a new car and a motorcycle, without my prior knowledge. In November, I discovered that he had created an account on Match.com and was receiving "daily matches."
In November, we also got notice of our hearing date, scheduled for January.
Seeing the end in sight, I asked Remark for some tangible effort to back up his claim that he wanted to reconcile, or to simply tell me he wanted to proceed with the divorce. So in December, we had some significant contact with Dr. Harley. At the end of December, Dr. Harley's evaluation to me was not encouraging.
In January, we discussed what to do about the pending court date. Neither had any real hope, and we decided to just let it play out. So on Jan 13, 2016, we divorced. We did so quite calmly and amiable, without attorneys, even claiming to want to remain friends.
In spite of this, Remark tells people that *I* divorced *him*. Several times, I've reminded him of how we discussed and decided together at every step, and he'll recall and admit to it, but then shortly after reverts back to his original stance. Apparently, it's just something he needs to believe.
Over the next six months, without the conflict and tension associated with trying to make a "marriage," we got along fairly well. I had no desire to pursue someone else, and we still had our son to consider, so I would ask Remark if he wanted to try dating each other. He always said "yes," though it rarely actually happened. By July, he told me he had met someone on Match.com and didn't want to try with me anymore, even though he previously told me that he had canceled his membership. I found out afterwards that he had been dating women he met on Match.com the whole time. I was thankful that we weren't sexual during that time.
Remark and this woman got very involved, very quickly. By August, he was doing regular sleepovers with her. Our son walked in on them one night in bed together, but Remark was unmoved and defended his actions. He kept trying to push her and our son together, even punishing our son because he wanted nothing to do with her. By September, our son was living with me full-time and refused to even speak to Remark. Even after 3 months of total rejection by our son, Remark continues his heavy involvement with this woman, valuing his relationship with her over his relationship with his son. I can't even imagine.
A male friend of his (ours) told me today that he had even tried to organize an "intervention," because he(they/the group of Remark's male friends) were so appalled by Remark's behavior and the damage he was doing to our son. But the pastor that has counseled Remark intensely for years said it wouldn't do any good because Remark still doesn't recognize his own faults, and "doesn't have ears to hear." And while the validation is always comforting to me to hear, it doesn't help my son's situation unfortunately. At this point, it's a conscious choice and effort to remain amiable with him.
I wasn't in any hurry to start dating anyway, but seeing the impact this has had on my son has caused me to choose not to date at least until my son is off to college. At least. I started attending DivorceCare a few months back. And hearing the women in the group describe their exes, and knowing that those men are the types of men out there in the dating scene makes it easy to resist.
And actually, I'm quite content with the way things are right now. I'm using this time to rediscover the person I used to be but lost along the way, defining what I want my future to look like. It was tough at first, knowing that the hopes and plans and dreams I had for my marriage were no longer going to be possible. And part of me still feels married; but then I spent the better part of my adult life with one person. I think maybe I'm still in love with the person I married, but I also know that that person never actually existed.
Given all that, I don't regret the divorce at all, for myself. I wish there had been another way for my son. But I've been able to let go of my anger; I feel good about myself for the first time in years; I've been able to do things for myself and be a little "selfish" for a change, without worrying about POJA. I am genuinely better off now. And without discounting the negative impact of the divorce on my son, there have been positive benefits to him as well, the biggest being the the overall tone of our home and the state of his/my relationship. He's a great kid!
Still some work to be done, but for the most part, life is good and getting better all the time! I have hope for a happy future, which I haven't had in a long time.