Need help to stop divorce - 01/28/17 04:12 PM
Hello all, I am new to this site and need help. Please bear with me as i am trying go give as much detail as possible.
My wife and I have been married for over 11 years and have 2 kids, ages 9 and 3. Two years ago she started acting...different, going out every night with her friends drinking, to the point where people around the community were asking her if she was okay. She had also been keeping her phone very secure and password locked and would not tell me the password, which i obviously found strange, considering we had never had a 'privacy' issue with each other. Neither of us had ever snooped on the other or invaded privacy because we never felt the need to. We shared email accts, bank accts, credit cards, used the same password for everything...everything was always out in the open.
One night as we laid in bed she turned to me and read me a text message she sent to her girlfriend about how unhappy she has been , apparently for years. During this time frame, which started in the spring and continued through the summer, she also had seen a dr about depression and was taking medication for it (which i was against).
Come to find out during the summer that she had been having an affair with a coworker. Physical and emotional. This guy is actually known throughout her work community as a narsaccist (?) and has had several affairs with many women throughout the years, and yes he was married at the time. I confonted her about it and it was lie after lie and i continued to discover the truth.
What she said was that she had grown to ressnt me and was not in love with me , and hadnt been for a long time.she was not happy in our marraige and it had been done for her for some time, years. Basically this guy took advantage of her vulnerable state and used that to his advantage. I also confronted him on the phone several times and i believe i scared him off, of course, his intentions were to not BE with my wife, just looking to get some.
We obviously talked numerous times about our relationship, what went wrong, why she felt the way she did etc. She said that she did not want to break up our family and neither one of us left the house, although she did originally want me to move out but i would not.
After the night she read me the text to her friend i woke up the next morning a dif person. I knew i had been immature, uncaring, unappreciative , and unloving to my wife. I was basically, as she put it, a 3rd child. I had immediately started going to work on myself because i did not want to lose her. It was something i knew would take time and commitment on my part and it was change my life and who i was forever.
I felt like i was doing the necessary things she needed to have the 'man' in her life. On the flip side, i was hurt, depressed and utterly crushed by the affair. And she showed zero remorse. Never cried, almost like she didnt care she did it because 'she wasnt in love with me'. Yet i told her i wanted to be with her and i was chosing to stay.
At this point i felt like we both had done damage to the other and if we were both choosing to work on our marriage and keep our family together then we both needed to do what was necessary to help the other person heal and show them change. As i said i had been doing that, even in the midst of the affair even while she still worked with the coworker, even while i was getting no remorse or reconciliation from the affair. Eventually i got to the point where i was digging so much trying to make sure the affair wasnt still going on and freakin out about what she did, questioning her a lot about things she said to others , were she was etc she asked me to move out for 30 days. This time i obliged. ( i worked 4-9am at the time and could not take the kids to school/babysitter). The 'seperation' didnt do much, as i felt like she just wanted me to be away from her so i could get over what she did without her having to deal with it. I was gone for 6 weeks and when i came back not much changed.
I basically felt like i was trying, changing really hard to make up to her thr years i had made her feel unloved, yet she would not do things to help me heal. For instance she would not unlock her phone, or let me know the passcode. She added guy friends to her FB. She would not quit her job. So of course my snooping and curiosity continued. Soon after that, we didnt talk much about anything relationship wise. I was still very hurt but tried not to show her or do anything snooping. I tried to show her i was OK and continued to work on myself. This went on until the following summer when all of a sudden she started acting distance again and the sat me down and said she was done. At first i tried to talk her out of it. I tried to explain she hadnt helped me heal from the affair and i had done a lot to show her my change. I told her i didnt want our kids to have to live from house to hosue with dicorced parents. I then read online to not beg, just act like you are ok and be friendly.
A week after she had told me she was done her and my 2 kids were in a horrific car accident. Fortunately they are all alive, and my wife suffered the majority out of it. (Instead of the kids) i was there at the hospital with them, took off work, stayed the night with her up there.
When she finally came home (well she actually stayed at my bro in laws because his house was more an ideal place for her to heal, and no they were not having an affair, he is 63 yrs old married, and was the husband of my wifes deceased sister). I wS over there helping as much as i could while still working and taking care of the kids. Her wrist was broke, her body was swelled up, she had burns all over her body. She couldnt walk without help and she was on about 3 or 4 medications, plus OTC drugs to help with side effects of the medications, like itching etc. There were a few times where she showed me affection out of the blue. She would put her arm around me and lean against me, she held out her hand for me to hold. She talked to me differently like she hadnt done in a long time. When she got back to our hosue and was mobile she was doing things around the house and still just talking to me like it was puppy love all over again.everything was better then it had been in along time, and i still continued with working on myself.
Then one day, around the time she weened off her narcotics things started to change again. She stopped twxting and calling me. When we did talk she didnt seem interested, or her repsondes to my questions were brief and one worded. Then of course it came again.
Im done
Im unhappy
She found a place and has already moved into it.
When she told me she was done i didnt show any emotion i just said, well I could tell you're unhappy, not sure why, but if you want out then get out , you know where the door is.
She has been out for over a week and has already been seeing another guy. Its some guy she knows from the gym.
Im in the worst place of my life. It is so hard imagining 12 years going down the drain. And for her to so easily just move on, find someone else, and make our kids go through this.
I feel like she is being selfish, as she has stated she wants a fresh start , doesnt want commitment right now. I tried to tell her, well you were commited to me and our kids. Now its like she would rather see the kids X amt of times per week and then have X amt of time to be free from everything and be able to go out date, have sex, do whatever she wants.
She called me yesterday to talk about the divorce. We never came to anything concrete, but i did ask her to try just separating (sicne she is already out of the house). I told her do whatever it is you need to do but Id like to think theres stil a chance for us.
I asked her before she left to go to counsleing with me and she declined. (I had declined the year prior to go with her). She just doesnt want to work on anything. She is done.
I know i will unfortunately see some Its over move on replies, and it does seem like that is the case. But i love my family, my kids, and want my wife back and if there is any ounce of hope for us please give me any advice. I have searched around the website a bit but i have limited time and honestly donet know where to start. So here it is, Ive tried to lay it all out and sorry for the long post but i wanted to give S much detail as possible for the best possible advice. Please feel free to ask any and all questions and i will be 100% honest , even in regards to myself.
Thanks again.
My wife and I have been married for over 11 years and have 2 kids, ages 9 and 3. Two years ago she started acting...different, going out every night with her friends drinking, to the point where people around the community were asking her if she was okay. She had also been keeping her phone very secure and password locked and would not tell me the password, which i obviously found strange, considering we had never had a 'privacy' issue with each other. Neither of us had ever snooped on the other or invaded privacy because we never felt the need to. We shared email accts, bank accts, credit cards, used the same password for everything...everything was always out in the open.
One night as we laid in bed she turned to me and read me a text message she sent to her girlfriend about how unhappy she has been , apparently for years. During this time frame, which started in the spring and continued through the summer, she also had seen a dr about depression and was taking medication for it (which i was against).
Come to find out during the summer that she had been having an affair with a coworker. Physical and emotional. This guy is actually known throughout her work community as a narsaccist (?) and has had several affairs with many women throughout the years, and yes he was married at the time. I confonted her about it and it was lie after lie and i continued to discover the truth.
What she said was that she had grown to ressnt me and was not in love with me , and hadnt been for a long time.she was not happy in our marraige and it had been done for her for some time, years. Basically this guy took advantage of her vulnerable state and used that to his advantage. I also confronted him on the phone several times and i believe i scared him off, of course, his intentions were to not BE with my wife, just looking to get some.
We obviously talked numerous times about our relationship, what went wrong, why she felt the way she did etc. She said that she did not want to break up our family and neither one of us left the house, although she did originally want me to move out but i would not.
After the night she read me the text to her friend i woke up the next morning a dif person. I knew i had been immature, uncaring, unappreciative , and unloving to my wife. I was basically, as she put it, a 3rd child. I had immediately started going to work on myself because i did not want to lose her. It was something i knew would take time and commitment on my part and it was change my life and who i was forever.
I felt like i was doing the necessary things she needed to have the 'man' in her life. On the flip side, i was hurt, depressed and utterly crushed by the affair. And she showed zero remorse. Never cried, almost like she didnt care she did it because 'she wasnt in love with me'. Yet i told her i wanted to be with her and i was chosing to stay.
At this point i felt like we both had done damage to the other and if we were both choosing to work on our marriage and keep our family together then we both needed to do what was necessary to help the other person heal and show them change. As i said i had been doing that, even in the midst of the affair even while she still worked with the coworker, even while i was getting no remorse or reconciliation from the affair. Eventually i got to the point where i was digging so much trying to make sure the affair wasnt still going on and freakin out about what she did, questioning her a lot about things she said to others , were she was etc she asked me to move out for 30 days. This time i obliged. ( i worked 4-9am at the time and could not take the kids to school/babysitter). The 'seperation' didnt do much, as i felt like she just wanted me to be away from her so i could get over what she did without her having to deal with it. I was gone for 6 weeks and when i came back not much changed.
I basically felt like i was trying, changing really hard to make up to her thr years i had made her feel unloved, yet she would not do things to help me heal. For instance she would not unlock her phone, or let me know the passcode. She added guy friends to her FB. She would not quit her job. So of course my snooping and curiosity continued. Soon after that, we didnt talk much about anything relationship wise. I was still very hurt but tried not to show her or do anything snooping. I tried to show her i was OK and continued to work on myself. This went on until the following summer when all of a sudden she started acting distance again and the sat me down and said she was done. At first i tried to talk her out of it. I tried to explain she hadnt helped me heal from the affair and i had done a lot to show her my change. I told her i didnt want our kids to have to live from house to hosue with dicorced parents. I then read online to not beg, just act like you are ok and be friendly.
A week after she had told me she was done her and my 2 kids were in a horrific car accident. Fortunately they are all alive, and my wife suffered the majority out of it. (Instead of the kids) i was there at the hospital with them, took off work, stayed the night with her up there.
When she finally came home (well she actually stayed at my bro in laws because his house was more an ideal place for her to heal, and no they were not having an affair, he is 63 yrs old married, and was the husband of my wifes deceased sister). I wS over there helping as much as i could while still working and taking care of the kids. Her wrist was broke, her body was swelled up, she had burns all over her body. She couldnt walk without help and she was on about 3 or 4 medications, plus OTC drugs to help with side effects of the medications, like itching etc. There were a few times where she showed me affection out of the blue. She would put her arm around me and lean against me, she held out her hand for me to hold. She talked to me differently like she hadnt done in a long time. When she got back to our hosue and was mobile she was doing things around the house and still just talking to me like it was puppy love all over again.everything was better then it had been in along time, and i still continued with working on myself.
Then one day, around the time she weened off her narcotics things started to change again. She stopped twxting and calling me. When we did talk she didnt seem interested, or her repsondes to my questions were brief and one worded. Then of course it came again.
Im done
Im unhappy
She found a place and has already moved into it.
When she told me she was done i didnt show any emotion i just said, well I could tell you're unhappy, not sure why, but if you want out then get out , you know where the door is.
She has been out for over a week and has already been seeing another guy. Its some guy she knows from the gym.
Im in the worst place of my life. It is so hard imagining 12 years going down the drain. And for her to so easily just move on, find someone else, and make our kids go through this.
I feel like she is being selfish, as she has stated she wants a fresh start , doesnt want commitment right now. I tried to tell her, well you were commited to me and our kids. Now its like she would rather see the kids X amt of times per week and then have X amt of time to be free from everything and be able to go out date, have sex, do whatever she wants.
She called me yesterday to talk about the divorce. We never came to anything concrete, but i did ask her to try just separating (sicne she is already out of the house). I told her do whatever it is you need to do but Id like to think theres stil a chance for us.
I asked her before she left to go to counsleing with me and she declined. (I had declined the year prior to go with her). She just doesnt want to work on anything. She is done.
I know i will unfortunately see some Its over move on replies, and it does seem like that is the case. But i love my family, my kids, and want my wife back and if there is any ounce of hope for us please give me any advice. I have searched around the website a bit but i have limited time and honestly donet know where to start. So here it is, Ive tried to lay it all out and sorry for the long post but i wanted to give S much detail as possible for the best possible advice. Please feel free to ask any and all questions and i will be 100% honest , even in regards to myself.
Thanks again.