Change my name to Busted Hopes - Marriage Builders® Forums

Even though I have been reading on this board since last summer, I have never written. I have mostly been reading in the recovery section, but after 9 months into recovery, I discovered yesterday that he is still contacting the OW. My kind, attentive husband is still the same liar he was last summer when I first found out. He swears he loves me and wants to spend the rest of our lives together, but he still "loves her" and can't quit contacting her. I just had a total hysterectomy last Friday and now I need his help in our empty nest for recovery. I told him we were through and he could leave and go anywhere he pleases after the dr releases me. I feel like I have nothing left to give after these 9 months because I felt we had come an amazingly long way and were really going to make it. Not only has he been contacting her, though, but he has had a secret e-mail account and been e-mailing several women he has met on the internet chat lines. This after 24 years of being a good man and a great husband and one year of being a slime ball.

I too wonder where my kind, compasionate, and trustworthy H went too. I have been married to him for 19 years.I have had a hysterectomy too. Please do not do anything rash. You are tired, your hormones or lack of them is not helping you.You do have every right to be upset. You do have every right to mad and feel betrayed again. I am sure it felt like when you first found out about it.But.....Think while you recouperate. Do you want him back? Do you still love him? Do you want to start over again? Will it be worth it?I am thinking about you. We are both married to alien clones of the men they were.

Wow, you have been through a lot!! First, take it slow and rest as best as you can. I would let your dr know that you are in a very stressful situation right now, he may be able to prescribe something to help you rest and think clearly. Second, I have been where you are. My X also continued with the OW, and lied repeatly to me about it. Remember it is an addiction, he will need your help to get past it, if he can. But right now your health is the most important thing. Let the situation with the OW and his contact lay low. Leave it out of your talks with him, just get well. Third, when you are well and can think clearly, sit down with your H in a non lovebusting way and let him know how this concerns you. IF you want your marriage, you will need to be prepared to help him get over this addiction. Plan A as long as you can, then Plan B. Have you read the book, "Surviving the Affair?" Please take care of yourself now.......------------------ Susan

Thanks so much for the input. I am exhausted and worn out. I still hobble around the place trying to get some strength back. The thing is that I have read Surviving an Affair, After the Affair, His Needs Her Needs, and Adultery the Forgivable Sin. That's part of what was helping so much the last nine months. I feel like last spring I did Plan A then Plan B for two weeks this summer, then Plan A, recovery since. I felt like we were doing so great. It hurts extra much right now since I just went through this major operation, but he already knew all these months that any contact would be grounds for separation. I just want to be well enough to travel to tell my daughters in person. They are 7 hours away at college right now. I don't want to tell them over the phone. They were so mad at him the first time and I am afraid they will cut him completely off now. Again, thanks so much for the support I find here.

I truly hope that you are recovering as well as possible from the major surgery. You need time to evaluate what you want to do and how you can deal with your H's behaviour.I was reading your post and one thing leapt out at me...."you want to be well enough to tell your daughters in person as you do not want to tell them over the phone" You write that they are in college as are my oldest 2 sons. Final exams are in the next couple of weeks. Can you wait until the school year is over for them before passing on this development? I know how upset and angry they will have been the first time and while you worry that they will cut him off, that in fact is for them to work out with their father but PLEASE, PLEASE think about what this knowledge will do to them and what the impact will be on their college education, especially if they thought that things between the 2 of you were "really going to make it".Even though they are away from home, they are still your children and this knowledge WILL impact on them.

Willbok, that is very good advice. I hadn't thought about the exams being so close. Actually it is probably 6 weeks away. I will try to hold off until then for their sakes. I am trying really hard to make my body relax and force myself to eat so I can get well. I have totally lost my appetite and I am afraid the OW will spread the rumor in the small town where we used to live and the girls still have connections.

Take the time to get your strength back before you tell your daughters. If they hear through the grapevine and not from you, you cannot do anything about this. You cannot unfortunately protect them from all hurts, no matter what.As long as you keep their best interests at heart and think about their reactions to your going down to tell them, this is what you can control.In the long run, if they hear from others and discuss this with you, and may be angry with why you did not tell them (who knows how this all comes out) you can explain your reasoning which they will eventually understand.In any case at this time I feel that they are concerned about your physical health and should not be burdened with more "worries' until after the school year.Take the time to look after you. Get your strength back...eat more (LOL...I am still at 105 lbs having lost 35 and stabilized at this weight 7 months ago!!!) and do find someone who you can talk to. Have you seen a therapist/pastor for your emotions? Do you have friends who you can talk to?My e-mail address is willbok99@hotmail.com ------------------

Last summer I had two counseling sessions with a Christian psychologist. I want to set up another appt with him as soon as I am able to get around by myself. I do want to protect my girls right now. I am hoping H will seek counseling right away for his own benefit and not to continue to self-destruct. I do care about his future too. By the way, I had lost 20 lbs last summer and have held it all this year. I had a large mass removed last Friday. That had to be good for another 5. I do have my mom and sister here to talk to and two very good friends who are unfortunately a long distance away. I hadn't joined the local church yet because I wanted to do it jointly. We have been attending nearly every week. You seem to have a good handle on things. If you get an e-mail from marty, that's me. Thanks.

Keep your head up through the whole ordeal. Always remember, you are not at fault.