The Divorce is Final - Marriage Builders® Forums

...but not without an upseting night last night and morning this morning....About last night... ...my son (stepson) ... got an earful this weekend.... In an attempt to further estrange the relationship between my son and his biological father(BF)... ...my now xW told him (with the details) of how her xH(BF) had raped her once during the end of their marriage (about 16 years ago). I'd have to say he was quite traumatized by this... ...and it was very sad. My attorney commented on how unequivocally wrong it was for my xW to do this to my son... ...and to leave the fall-out of her actions in my lap.And then this morning... I got a fax from my attorney sent from my W (sent 4 PM Friday) listing 14 points of complaints against me. Outrageous claims of me calling her a "devil" in front of the kids, me not abiding by the property settlement agreement, me sending "offensive", "harassing" and "condescending" e-mails to her, being "threatening and harassing" in regards to changes in visitation schedules and badgering/grilling the children when I call them on her weekends.Fortunately... My xW's attorney refused to bring up any of the issues in court... (he is disgusted with her(his client's) lack of co-operation and lack of payment for any of her attorney's fees)So my attorney will draft a final reply... ...tack on a requirement to pay the back child support... ...and leave it at that!The whole process took about 7 minutes... ...and that is that!...oh yes... my ring is off today.My emotions... all OK... My mom came over... before I left for court... she prayed with me and she cried a few minutes... ...saying "...I(Jim) don't deserve this..."Plan A... Plan B... and of course the forum has gotten me through much of the hard stuff... ...and you bet... these are what makes a sucess story!--------------------------------------------------------Now my final steps will be to complete the annulment paperwork... ...it will most likely be what I post about next. ...maybe in line with the closure of Plan B.The beginning of that catharic(thanks K) effort has begun... ...check out my long replies in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002400.html" TARGET=_blank>The days are dwindling...</A>... ...but will bring me to the real point of not being married! ...but knowing so much of what makes a marriage/relationship... ready for any vocation in life.My journey continues... ...my struggles go on... ...but I will make an impact on my kids... my friends... and my family... as I take the higher solid ground.So much Love to you very special people! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

[Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

Dear Jim,I'm so sorry for your pain, for the pain your children are enduring which your xW has inflicted upon them, and the general chaos and pain inflicted on everyone touched by this divorce.I wish you luck with the children and with your annulment and your new life. Your tragedy has given you so much insight and strength, which you have shared with all of us. Why your stepson (son) should have to hear something hateful from the lips of his mother God only knows. It is her job to protect him from harm; not inflict it upon him. I hope he knows he can lean on you and that he does so.Blessings on you.------------------ Belle, Domestic Goddess

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{JIM}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}You're mother is right, Jim. You don't deserve what you got. But, you know what? You got through it with grace and courage. Your children must be very proud of you.Now, time to move on and begin the rest of your life!

(((((((((((((((Jim)))))))))))))))Isn't it amazing how little time it takes in a courtroom to end a marriage? While that was the last thing I ever wanted to go through, I was so relieved to get it overwith.It really sounds like the children are lucky that they have you to lean on. You must be a special man. I'm so sorry about everything you the children have been through. I'm glad you're taking care of your needs. I know how important that is. And don't forget to come to us with good news and with struggles. You're a blessing to all of us here. - Jane-Elise

Ah, Jim

What else is there to say? You did your best to make things work... the fact that it didn't had nothing to do with you.You can hold your head high!You are a good man.~Sheryl

Jim,I am sorry. It is amazing how little time it takes for a judge to wipe out a marriage. I can't imagine a job that I would less like to have.

God loves you as do I. Keep on keeping on...Bill------------------ May the roads rise to meet you, May the winds always be at your back, May the sun shine warm upon your face, The rains fall soft upon your fields, And until we meet again, May god hold you In the hollow of his hand.

(((Jim)))Unfortunately, with kids in the picture there will always be surprises yet in store. Many of 'em ugly. XW and I had no kids, and 9 months after the final hearing and judgment, there are still loose ends she won't help wrap up.

Hey JimSevere bummer dude. I hate that you had to go thru this as many of our friends have had to . You are in my thoughts and prayers.Tim

((((((((JIM))))))))))You have been thru a lot and its still not over, but you are a great person and you'll make it!Take some time for you. I felt "OK" the day I found out, it didn't hit me til a few weeks later.Hugs, Dana

Jim, {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{JIM}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} You might not know me, but I am sure you have touched on each and every one of the lives on this board. I thank you. I am so sorry you EW had to hurt your Son. It was cruel. Then to leave you with the clean up of broken hearts. You are a wonderful man. Your Mom is absolutely right on. I wish you the Best of what life has to offer. ------------------ Deb

Jim,Your strength through all of this has been tremendous. You've never once became bitter. You always kept a positive outlook on life, never letting your pain and anger control you. You did not waiver in your beliefs, but never did you judge your now ex for all the pain she put you and the kids through. You just continued to pray for her through it all. I respect you to the upmost, Jim.Have no regrets and look forward to the blessings that God will continue to bestow upon you. One thing that I've learned is that I can not be dependent on anyone for my happiness. That happiness comes from within. I'm sure you know this already, don't allow anything or anyone to steal your joy. Rejoice through every trial and know that their is purpose for everthing that you go through. You are definitely a 'testimony' in itself. Just know your life does not end here. See this as the beginning of what God has in store for you. Never forget what you went through, but hold on to the good memories of what you onced shared. Our outlook on life has so much to do with our healing. You are definitely a success story to me. You made it through with your head still high, DESPITE all!!God Bless and Be Encouraged....I love you... ------------------ God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...Courage to change the things I can...And the wisdom to know the difference.lady_divine77@yahoo.com

Jim,What a mess!! Your W(xW) really needs help. She has her eyes so closed. I am praying for you, for your children, and for her.You already know that you are loved and that God will take care of you.God bless, Cheryl

Hello NSR (((((hugs))))) Sending prayers and positive energy your way. You are wonderful! cl

I'm sorry Jim!I will be praying for you as well!Jen

Belle, sidney, Jane-Elise, ~Sheryl, Nellie, Bill, Sisyphus, Tim, Dana, Deb, jamie-lee, Cheryl, cl, Jen...I thank you all for your kind words and comments.I will indeed stay on the forum(s) and continue to welcome the newbies... ...and I will be honored to be one who has succeeded even though the relationship ended with a divorce.The newbies need to know that this is a possibility... ...not to scare or frighten them... ...not depress them... ...not to chase them away...But to let them know that there can be success... in following Plan A... then Plan B... and through divorce. Even if the relationship fails... life... hope... and love does not fail!Don't believe that Plan A fails... it never fails! Don't believe that Plan B fails... it never fails! Do realize that people can fail... through unrepentence... ...and if you throw away love (meeting emotional needs)... you fail. ...if you have sloth in fighting love busters... you fail. ...if honesty is enveloped in anyone's "fog"... you fail.When a WS (or even the indifferent Faithful Spouse(FS))... ...no longer understands the desire of a search for true love... they have failed.Love... and you will succeed! Put your anger aside... and you will succeed! Seek the truth... and you will succeed!Success... being found in your re-establishing a relationship with God... ...and accepting His unconditional love... is a building toward God... ...a form of spiritual union... surpassing the union of the flesh.God has taken care of me... ...when I let him carry me through these trials ...when I put aside my pride... and imperfect self-righteousness ...when my worldly desires melt from my hands... only to find under my hands where His hands... supporting mine.I take solace in all I have been given... ...and I thank you all! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

Jim/NSR[This message has been edited by NSR (edited March 19, 2001).]

Thoughts and prayers are on their way....

Jim, It sounds like you are doing fine so far. Plan has helped that. Just be ready when those emotions do flow back. There seems to be an ebb and flow in mine..Now you can use your strength and perserverience(sp?) to help your son.God Bless,Bob

Jim, you're doing so well. I'm really proud of you.You know, the hard part in working on your relationships with other people is working on yourself. And you seem to be doing a really good job with that. That is the greatest measure of our success. Because we are powerless in so many cases. All we can do is work on ourselves and leave the door open.You have survived a really big milestone. The tough times are not over yet though. It does ebb and flow. But remember you walk daily with One who loves you infinitely and, though He does not always rescue you, He does provide a way through any situation.Hugs to you, my friend!- Jane-Elise

Hi NSR -How are you doing today Bro?How is the eldest? Calming down a bit? Jeesh, he really did not need this....How about the others? Doin' OK? Any talks needed? You know, it really struck me how she always lashes out when something is coming up - whether it is something directly to do with her - like facing paying money, etc. or when she feels threatened in some way - like her ex around the eldest.She just has to try to turn the attention away from where the focus should be - her "wrong" behavior, etc.How sad that she doesn't recognize that it only succeeds in compounding her wrongs and causing more hurt.So busy trying to "look" one way while actually behaving and "appearing" the opposite of what she intends.What a fog.....God help her!!!Thank God the kids have you, Jim. You really are a success!! And we will continue to be successful as long as we keep muddling through all of this murkiness of life. Just keep moving by learning, growing and loving our way right towards the light.......I see it that this knowledge we have gained and the experiences have gotten us some "waders".....now we can trudge through the muck a bit better equipped.Maybe someday my "old" H and your "?" W will get some waders of their own. Could happen!!!! Of course, theirs will have to be the full body kind!!! LOL!!!We can pray.......BIG HUGS and Much LOVE,Sheba

Thank you too...Survivor, Bob, Jane-Elise, and Sheba... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

I'm OK...My oldest son has become, if anything, more rebellious... ...even of my own authority.And has now completely sided on most issues with his mom. And now has a very bitter hatred of his biological father!And so... to protect the other two... ...I had to sit down with him and spell out some boundries... ...(didn't have too much in the way of "boundries" since his AHAD... and mother leaving caused me to over compensate)... ...but his taking advantage of the situation has to stop! With this... the meaning of success comes with more patient love on my part!... even if it's a bit of tough love!As I continue in Plan B my xW (you know in my faith... I'm still married... until the annulment)... ...I will be deliberately removing any and all focus on my xW...Even my attorney suggested that I should decrease the appearance of hositilies by removing him (and he has been the main person to LB in my place)... by e-mailing my xW and telling her... there is no more correspondence to be sent to my attorney any more... ...why not... ...his services have now terminated...This could mean... I now return as the direct "bad guy"... ...so the need for Plan B... continues!You can tell I've hit an all time low point in my love bank for her... ...it is depleted... ...and the completion of the annulment... ...is now the cleansing of that love bank... a kind of scrubbing clean!Complete focus can then be removed...I'm challenged in so many ways now... ...but I am good... and joy filled... ...in my journey with God! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

Jim

Jim,A hellish success story, but a success for sure.------------------ Prayers & God Bless! Chris For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Sorry to show up late, Jim, but God bless, and take good care of your son.I hope that the annulment process helps in your healing. You have a good soul---God will take care of it.

Jim,Getting here late as well, but I want to wish you the best and tell you how deeply I respect you and your chosen path.God Bless,JL

NSR,I am so sorry for your pain. What a wonderful person you are to come out of your grief and to be encouraging to others. I will be where you are at soon (end of April), I am looking to those like you with hopes of handling "it" with dignity & grace. May God be with you in your journey.Love and prayers, Petrie

Dear Jim... I'm terribly sorry for your circumstances. I'm praying for you today that God would either calm the storm or calm YOU in the midst of the storm... thanks for ALL of your advice through the various posts... I have been impacted by so many of your words and direction. May the God of peace bring you comfort and rest...------------------ Doing what you like is freedom... Liking what you do is happiness

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{JIM}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}You are in my thoughts and prayers now as always... I'm glad that God has given you peace and comfort and that you are dealing with this well.If I keep going, I'm gonna get all mushy and cry, so I'll stop here.Thoughts, Love & Prayers Always, Dawnetta

Well, I guess "welcome to the club" is in order! Sorry to hear the last minute BS (NOT betrayed spouse) that you had to endure. As I said in another post, you never really know someone until you divorce them.I'm not big on cyber-hugs, but I can tell you that it gets better. Its been a whole month since I've been divorced. It is like a window is very, very slowly opening onto a new life. I look at my X as, well, my X. Nothing more, nothing less. It is a strange feeling, but I've begin to come to grips with the fact that it really is over.Along the way, I've figured out that I'll be okay. You will be too. If you put half as much effort into your new life as you put into helping people here, you'll be doing very well indeed!I downloaded a song from Napster that pretty much sums everything up for me...Don Henley's "The Heart of the Matter:"I'm learning to live without you now, but I miss you sometimes. And the more I know, the less I understand. All the things I thought I'd figured out, I have to learn again.I been tryin' to get down, to the heart of the matter, but my will gets weak, and my thoughts seem to scatter but I think its about... forgiveness, forgiveness, Even if you don't love me anymore.

{{{{{{{{{{{Jim}}}}}}}}}}}}}As I was contemplating what you have meant to the MB forum I offered a prayer of gratitude for you and your uplifting attitude and unselfish service. At that moment my heart broke for you and I wept for your pain. You have suffered in truth and earned every bit of wisdom we cherish from you. Congratulations on accomplishing a terrible ordeal with class, dignity and righteousness. Something few can claim. We are privileged to have known you through this time, sir.Thank you for everything.

Thanks again...Chris, K, JL, Petrie, OvrCs, Dawnetta, cjack, Karenna......you are all true friends. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

Jim

Dear Jim,I am new to this part of the board. This is actually my first post on this site (I used to post on the General Questions II & Recovery sites). I now know that I belong here. I would like to extend my condolences to you and your family. These are such hard times. I would also like to express my deepest appreciation of how I admire and have benefitted from you wise words of wisdom and the attitude you have displayed in responding to all the posts. You and your family deserve so much better. Your world of hurt is great. I hope you are able to take the 'lemons of this world' and turn them into lemonade. Take Care, L.

Hi Jim,how are you today? Just to let you know that I'm thinking of you.love and hugsJo

Jim,I am sorry that you are feeling so badly. I can only describe this to you as going through a death. Indeed, it is the death of your family that you now have to face. You have been in my thoughts and prayers, even though I rarely post. I pray for your kids, too. I know that you have such a strong faith, and in the end, God is all we ever have to truly depend on to be there with us through the thick and thin of life.You have endured some really sad, hard and hurtful times these past couple years. My wish for you and your children are sunnier, brighter and happier times ahead. I believe the Lord will bring peace and happiness back to your heart and your life, Jim.Keep the faith. Know that through all of this, you have been an inspiration of faith, courage and perseverence to so many here, including myself.I'll keep you in my prayers.....Desiree------------------ "Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."Sir Humphry Davy

Hi Jim,Just bringing this back up to see how you are doing after this weekend...Love and Hugs,------------------ ~Sheryl (a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)Life is difficult. The Road Less Traveled ~M. Scott Peck

Orchid... I'm so sorry you have to be on this forum... But it is possible to heal here... ...as long as you continue to learn, about MB concepts... ...and that is about learning to love.Jo... I'm doing fine... ...I have my kids... I have all of you... You have my prayers.... joined with yours.Desiree... So true... "God is all we ever have to truly depend on..."! You too have my daily prayers.Sheryl... I'm doing just fine. This weekend, I went to my MILs. They (MIL, SIL, BIL) love me so much... and want me always to be part of their family... and of course the kids too. My MIL is even telling me to find a new W (I think she's concerned that the kids don't have a "mother" figure to grwo up with.) She too (and even more so my SIL) was very upset about my W describing in detail the allegded rape whe claimed against her first xH.They (the ILs) are good people... and have been hurt by this as much as anyone. I'll love them.Prayers to you... and the decisions you have in your life. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

Jim