sit with OW at my child's graduation??? - Marriage Builders® Forums

Ex sent me email about daughter's upcoming high school graduation. Says he is bringing OW he left and divorced me for , and we could all sit together with my son, his wife and our neice ,who is coming from OOT. Is there something wrong with me that I find this totally nuts? I don't even speak to OW, so why would I even want to sit with her? The graduation ceremony is at our civic center and several thousand people attend, so I don't feel under any obligation to sit with him. How do other people handle these things? I can't believe he doesn't have a problem with this!!!

NO WAY! I wouldn't do it. What a jerk to even suggest it! FOG....FOG....FOG.Sit as far away from them as possible...that's what I'd do. Yuk!! Maybe you could "hire" a nice, young man to escort you.....HA!Also, you may want to pre-clear the arrangements of who goes with who to any after-the-ceremony celebration parties. Don't leave it up to your daughter on the spot to decide...too much stress for her on a day that should be a good day for her.Aloha, Mrs.O

Thank you! Sometimes I feel I am on a totally different planet. Everything else is worked out. Her cousin and another friend , same age as daughter, are all staying at her dad's house. The three of them are going to teen party that night for the graduates and friends, and since we live close to the beach here in Fl, they will be spending most of the weekend there. Seating was the only problem. I did send ex an email, and told him he was living in dream world if he thought I would sit with his girlfriend at my child's graduation. I keep thinking most of the anger is gone, but something like this just brings it all right back to the surface. His fog seems to be getting more dense instead of lifting!!

I'm with Mrs. O. How insulting.Bring someone along with you for support and sit where ever you darn well please. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

[Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

------------------ Pain is a given, misery is optional.

It was OW#2, the pre-school teacher of our daughter... and here comes pre-school graduation... then-H was still living with me, still in the fog (this was 1987) and guess where he stayed during the ceremony? Well, older daughter, 5 at the time, says: "Mommy, Daddy's kissing Mrs.#$%^ in the classroom"... so, I guess I didn't have to worry about sitting by her since she was sucking my H's face during the thing!You know what really amazes me? It's been 14 years, I'm divorced from him, and engaged to someone else. Still, it ticks me off to think of it. ------------------ ~SherylAnd we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino

I have had to sit with OW since 4 months after discovery. When soccer season started. Anyway, it was horrible. They would come sit next to me as if we were friends. Since then I've been at a graduation where they came to sit near me. UGHH.Last week, 2 soccer games, and my daughters Flute concert. I sat with my ex FIL, ex MIL, ex H's grandpa, exH, OW and ME!I sat there first. I hate it. But in front of them, I stay calm and pleasant. All the parents I know at these functions, have seen this unfold since it was me and H taking our oldest daughter to kindergarden and we looked so young, that people naturally stared at us. Now oldest D is 10. They come up to me and tell me what a good person I am, how strong I am, how I should beat up OW. It's hard.But in front of them, I do it for my kids. When my kids are grown, you better believe they will understand how hard this was for me. But I have no choice, do I?I don't want to be bitter. I don't want to look like the jealous exW. I don't want to be near them. If I could make a suggestion, I would not let my exH know this bothers me (or you) and just say something like..."we'll see", then time it somehow so your NOT near them if you don't want to be. Such as either get there really early and get up front or get there later than them and get behind them. I'd suggest up front so you don't see them the whole time.Bring a best friend for support, it could be emotional for you. It's hard for me, like its THEM against ME all the time, so I sit with friends I know.Hugs, Dana

I'm sorry......to flaunt their immorality in front of everyone... ...especially the children (of any age)... ...is unacceptable.Society says... do it if it doesn't hurt anyone... WRONG... it's hurting everyone... and no one more than insulting GOD with their arrogance!Sit with others in your family who are as outraged with their actions! They are being spared earthly consequences... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

Jim

It does not benefit the children to pretend you are ok with there being an OW when that is not the case. There are few things worse than being hypocritical. A very minor example: When I was a kid, my mother used to take me to feed the pigeons. I found out later that she was terrified of birds, and hated every minute of it. I realize she did it for me, but I felt like she had been dishonest with me. There is nothing more important than honesty. I have never seen the OW except at a great distance; I would not recognize her if I bumped into her, and I intend to keep it that way. Not that she allows him to attend kid-related functions that I am going to be at, anyway.

xxx

[ June 02, 2004, 01:59 AM: Message edited by: skye ]

How insulting & clueless! I can't believe that your ex-H even suggested this.I agree with the others. Don't sit with them.

W is a boarding school teacher, and holds parent teacher conferences once a year, in a classroom, two on one, and sometimes she gets four parents all together in the room, now these four parents will be all together for the whole day. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

She has said in the past it is very weird.However, we agreed that only the bio parents go to parent teacher conferences, no OP. But i do not sit next to her at soccer games, i will discuss the kids games to her in front of the kids so that I can influence the kids and her as the sports enthusiast in the family. I am capable of showing my kids am i not bitter and do not say anything negative to show the kids my frustration. Right now, i have a spring concert for 9 yo d coming up next tuesday. I will not sit next to her. And since i am in Plan B, and i don't call or talk with her unless it is about or for kids. I look at the job of co-parenting as also learning not to be bitter, not to hold onto anger, and be able to manage situations where you do not have total control, but can manage to rise to a position that gives the kids respect of their parents to get along at official events. But i also show them that if i don't agree with or am abused by someone, i will not stay to take the abuse. I get what i accept. I did not sign on to this position, but sometimes life hands you situations you don't choose, and you can manage the situation so that the kids don't get caught in the middle, and learn about poor situational management.However, i do not have a situation where X is flaunting OP, and our situation is that she is a control freak, does not agree with POJA, is manipulative for her own feelings, and one where her FOO issues overwhelmed her.I got invited to Christmas at her house, for the kids. OK, i went for the kids, did not stay overnight, and was still thinking that the fog would clear, and she was pissed at me for making her stay up late to put my presents under the tree. She turns into a pumpkin very early, i don't turn at all. Easter, I did not invite her to my house for easter egg hunt, since i had to leave early for a soccer game and she was pissed. She was pissed i didn't call her on my weekend when i was waiting for my stitches at the hospital when they told me it would only be a couple of hours, because she was sitting there with nothing to do. but she can't do that for me when she needs a babysitter. When she told me i should have invited her to easter, because she invited me to christmas, i told her that i am not going to play happy family for her when she is divorcing me. I told her if she couldn't play happy family when we were married and discuss solutions, why should I play happy house on just holidays when she is divorcing me. there is something backwards here!!!!!! or is it me????very manipulative, wanting everyone to be happy the same way they are happy, without regard to other people's feelings or reactions. selfish, selfish, selfish. . . or oblivious, oblivious, oblivious. .. . or the divorce is just vindictive/anger for something completely irrelevant, and they don't understand it.[This message has been edited by WhenIfindthetime (edited May 18, 2001).]

In my case everyone who was offended by their "sins" has now accepted it. I'm not saying to go there and fake that your thrilled, but I just don't think you should let them see you angry or uncomfortable, it just gives OW more to gloat about anyhow. There are differences in opinions as to much of this. I hate to sit with my ex. I think its wrong, but many times, I get boxed in and its worse for me to get up and leave. But there is one difference that I see and that is do the children want their dad to be there? I don't ever want to stand in the way of my kids and their dad's relationship. For me, that means I have to accept OW as best I can so he'll at least be some part of their life. My kids are in counseling, and so am I, and their dad has attended a few times too. There is a fine line, but it's ok to teach your kids that you disagree with their parent's behavior, and teach them you expect better morals out of them, but trying to let them keep both parents at the same time while you do it. When they are old enough to make their own decisions, I want them to understand that it wasn't easy for me, but I hope it made their life a little easier on the way.Dana

Okay. From the posts so far, I will probably be beaten soundly around the shoulders for what I am about to write. But here goes.You don't have to sit with your X and OW. And yes, you may have a right to be angry. However, I think it would be good to be civil to them. As the saying goes, "hate the sin but love the sinner." Be the mature individual and be pleasant. You will find that in the long run it is much better for your health. Be prepared to associate with them after the ceremony. Your daughter will probably want both of you with her. She recognizes that you two are no longer together, but you both are still her parents and she will want that recognized. But again, depending on how long it has been since D-Day, she would understand if it is too soon. It also sounds as though you have not gotten over the issue (you didn't say how long it had been). For the sake of your children and your own sanity and health, please forgive and move on. Forgiving is a way of overcoming love's unfairness. Forgiving ignores the normal feelings of wanting to get even. Forgiving releases us from the painful past. Matthew 18:27 "The servant's master took pity on him, canceled the debt, and let him go." Until I was able to forgive my spouse, I was trapped in a downward spiral. I was angry and did things that were not good for me (drinking too much to drown the pain). But I have forgiven and am as pleasant as I can be to my X, as I will be from here on. That is who I am, and with anyone who may have hurt me. There are still days when I look at what might have been with my X and feel sad. But only for a few moments. I then look onward and to the future. I had to let go of my anger and hurt to be able to heal. I wish you well. Love has many facets and glows in many ways, and is different for each of us. Hose A

Hose A, I won't flame you, I agree with you and you summed it up well. Until I started accepting the inevitable, I had a lot of health issues, and was miserable. I do still love my ex in some twisted way, and it hurts, but at the same time, the only reason I do any of this, is because my kids are young, 10, 8 and 3. I have a LONG life to deal with the EX. It will most likely outlast this OW of his anyhow. I want the kids to have a relationship with dad above all. I don't want them to label me as bitter and jealous, even though I feel it at times, no one else knows it.Good luck db,Dana

No way, no how, not ever...I will not dignify the bimbo's existence. I also don't sit next to convicts, sociopaths, or those who look like they might want to join the Hell's Angels (Bimbo falls into this category of undesireable seat partners)...I do have my standards... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

Lisa

Thank you Dana. And your response was also right on. You have the right view on life. With your approach, it will be a long and joyful one. God bless you.Hose A

After all these years, I still avoid sitting with X. I find it emotionally unsafe. Don't make an effort to be ugly about it. Just don't want to. But I won't keep either child from sitting with their father.

[This message has been edited by Maya (edited May 18, 2001).]

Just a note to DanaB...I think it's horrible that you "have" to sit with your Ex-H's entourage....the thing is...you don't HAVE to.Why don't YOU be the one who arrives after them? That way you can pick a spot as far away as possible. It would be hard for me to purposely come late to a function (esp. if my kid was involved), but it may be worth it....BIG TIME!Just my .02 cents....Aloha, Mrs.O

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>Originally posted by db713: I don't feel under any obligation to sit with him. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Has anyone considered saying "No thankyou."? <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>Originally posted by db713: How do other people handle these things? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>It depends upon the occasion. When my oldest son graduated High School, I sat with his mother and OM#2. I hosted the reception after, they both attended. It seemed like we were there to recognize my son's achievement rather than dwell on ex and OM#2. It was the only high school graduation my son would ever have, and those few hours belonged to him. When my widowed ex MIL needed someone to do fix up things around her house, I did them. When she died, I helped arrange the funeral. It was her funeral. Granny didn't do anything spectacular for me directly, but she left half of her estate to my daughter. (I quit telling MIL jokes after that.) OM#3 died last January. He was a nice guy, all three of my kids and all four grandchildren really liked the guy, so, I helped out with that too. It was his funeral. The kids and grandchildren needed me there. <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>Originally posted by db713: I can't believe he doesn't have a problem with this!!!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>That is the story of our brief unhappy marriage in fifteen words or less.I can't believe that You don't accept My point of view.One could get stuck inside that conundrum for several years.At the risk of getting flamed, the point of this post is that sometimes occasions arise that are not about ME ! I've learned that one always tries to remain cordial even though at times it is uncomfortable.Prayers and stuff,Bumper

Thanks everyone for the replies. It never occurred to me that ex and I would even sit together in the first place. He is very much aware of how I feel towards the OW, and she also feels the same way. Although she has attended my daughter's soccer games, we have not ever sat together,This is not about me, as someone hinted at. My daughter does not particularly want her there, and actually told her father that. She also did not want her at the soccer banquet 2 months ago, but ex said OW insisted on coming. We didn't sit together then, so I don't know why he thinks anything would be different 2 months later. Yes, I do know I still have some anger issues. However, in my marriage, I was pretty much a door mat and never questioned or argued about anything--I was always the one making the compromizes and being the peacemaker. I sometimes wonder if some of this anger is from keeping my feelings to myself for so long. I really try to follow Erin's guidance,but I'm so weary.I guess I'm just tired of being the responsible one.

Sometimes it doesn't hurt to get angry and not be the peacemaker. I think that often my H wants someone to make decisions for him, and the OW is more than happy to do so. For all I know, maybe he hopes that I won't acquiesce to whatever "he" decides, because he is not willing to tell the OW to go jump in a lake, but might be willing to shift the blame to me.

xxx

[ June 02, 2004, 02:00 AM: Message edited by: skye ]

Thank you Skye for you encooouragement--you must be heaven sent because you always show up and give me the hope I seem to lose and the encouragement to keep on. I never actaully thought of myself as contentious, as you mentioned. I saw myself as the "victim" again and was very hurt and yes, angered, by the insensitivity of all of this. I still have some maturing to do. Than you and everyone else who took the time to respond.

xxx

[ June 02, 2004, 02:02 AM: Message edited by: skye ]

Hi Skye: Thanks again for writing . This restoration business sure is hard.You seem to have much more of a grip on the long term than I do. The slightest setback and I get so discouraged and out of frustration , do something stupid. I admire your tenacity and strength. I spent the day picking out what to wear for the graduation, just in case I see HIM. I spoke with my daughter and told her I was too uncomfortable sitting with OW and her Dad, and that I would not be able to enjoy the ceremony like I should . I would meet her in a designated spot afterwards for a hug, etc. She understood and was okay with it. I know my temper got in the way as usual,and ex is also a little irritated with me to say the least. Anyway, each of our kids have always had a cake for graduation which we cut when we got home. Daughter , and her two cousins will be staying at her Dad's house that night and for the following 3 nights. I know ex has not even thought about the cake, so I ordered the cake and prepaid the cost. I emailed ex and told him when cake would be ready, and for him to pick it up so it would be a surprize for her on graduation night. Anyway, I hope this will smooth things over a little bit. Daughter's car is in the shop and she is borrowing his for the weekend. He had to come over to get her and he called first, and told her to be waiting outside-I obviously hit a nerve! Graduation is Friday night, and I'll let you know what happens..

xxxxxxxx

[ June 02, 2004, 11:37 PM: Message edited by: skye ]

Skye: I am truly blessed to have your wisdom helping and encouraging me in this difficult journey. God has sent me an angel in you to show me where I need to make more [much more] improvements. Thank you for taking the time to help a fellow traveler on the long, weary, and very painful road of restoration. I wish there was some way I could be of help and support to you, since you have been hanging in there with me for quite awhile now. Have you signed up to be a member of Erin's? I read her first thing every morning, and maybe one day I will actually follow her biblical advice 100%! Another of my faults is that little bug of rebellion, and not being able to totally let go and let God. I also discovered Itoo have control issues, and although I realize I have control over nothing,I still keep trying to help God. Thank you again for taking time to respond and giving me encouragement- I hope you have a wonderful Sunday, because you deserve it!