Somebody had a thread or post a couple of (or three or more?) weeks ago about what to say to help a child defend herself when the other parent draws the child into the conflict. There were some great suggestions for what the child should practice saying when rehearsing for the next time she gets interrogated. <p>I tried to save the post for future reference but somehow lost it. Now I can't find it. Anyone remember it? It was either on EN's or DD. Please help me find it!

Karenna,<p>I can't help you on the thread, but I do have a suggestion.<p>My son's had this problem with their dad, I told sons to tell dad that they love both of us and do not want to be pulled into our problems." Older son was bothered by their dad's comments more than younger son. He came home the next weekend and said, "Mom, I had to say several times, dad, I don't want to be pulled in..." He said his dad would say, "Oh yea, yea, your right." but then he'd do it again...he said finally his dad got the point and stopped.<p>Also, I told him to please feel welcome to use this on *me* as well, as I may need that advice some day. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] So far I'm proud to say sons haven't had to say it to me. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Well, good luck in finding the thread.<p>BTW, How's Karissa?<p>ANNA

Karenna,<p>Hmmm....<p>This isn't what you were asking for, and probably I should just keep my thoughts to myself, but...<p>I think anytime one parent is "coaching" a child on what to say to the other parent, this in itself is alread "drawing the child into the conflict". I'm not sure what the other parent could do which is worse than this. The child should be able to be completely open and honest with both parents without fear. I would just tell the child that it is safe to talk to you about anything, and that [s]he should always tell both parents the truth.<p>Just my opinion. <p>
-AD<p>[ May 21, 2002: Message edited by: AbandonedDad ]</p>

I see your point AD, and I have told my children that they should talk to mom and dad about anything they want to. There problem is that they came to me wanting advice on how to deal with dad and I gave them some tips...my son was very happy to get them...I'm sure that is what the thread was about, tips for the kids who need some help, just like all of us, we need help with communicating sometimes as well.<p>Take care,<p>ANNA

Problem is this. My client (divorced for 5 years) has a 7 yo D and aggressive, violent, harassing ex H who interrogates child mercilessly on his visitations. D is bright and tries to put dad off sometimes, but he is relentless, so to have any peace at all she gives in and tells him everything he asks about (about mom and BF etc.) <p>No kidding that this is mental and psychological and emotional abuse of the child. We are working on restricting dad's visitation until he learns some self control, but the visits are never going to stop entirely. Child needs the tools now and won't be getting to her therapist for at least a month if not longer. <p>I know I read a thread containing a post with SEVERAL really good comebacks for a child to give an interrogating parent. I tried a SEARCH on "interrogate" and came up dry.

Have you read Joint Custody With A Jerk? It has some practical suggestions with how to deal with a myriad of problems such as this. K

Whoopsie Wrong Karenna, I was think of Carina Dreams...never mind about "how's Karissa? (can't remember how to spell the name)" I don't think you'd know... [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Take care,<p>ANNA

Try searching "alienation" ... I think I remember the thread, but I'm on my way out the door ...
more later ...<p>Well this is the thread I was thinking of ... probably not it ... hmmmm<p>[ May 22, 2002: Message edited by: Princess Buttercup ]</p>