I am 3 years past d day, and 3 months past divorce. I am stuggling with trying to move on, away from focus on infidelity, and divorce. I am continuing counseling on a limited basis, and I am busy with work and sometimes with friends.

But I still feel like relationships are doomed and am not sure I ever want to expose myself to that again. I feel so alone at times, but figure its better then the slow death of a marriage crashed by infidelity.

I think I should stop reading here, but am sort of addicted. Sometimes I think it keeps me in the relationships never work mode. But then again, I wonder if I will ever have another relationship, and see no reason to marry. I dont see many marriages out in the real work that are healthy and respectful and loving.

How is it some people are able to open up and find a new love so quickly, and some never seem to do it?

Does anyone ever go to any wbsites that are interesting and more general conversation and less about relationships? Any suggestions?

Thanks

Lora, my short marriage ended a few months ago after going through the infidelity of exh. We were separated just over a year when the dv became final. I still feel very insecure about trusting a new relationship. I think it just means we still need to recover and the time will come when we know we can handle new love.

The web sites I go to now are news related or to find a good recipe.

I wish you much peace and happiness!

<small>[ September 28, 2003, 12:38 PM: Message edited by: ISleepAlone ]</small>

Hi Lora, I responded to you by e-mail.

I guess recovery takes what it takes. We've been through a lot and had all our best laid plans turned on their heads, but I think we're both in a better place than we were three years ago!

Hi Lora,
I don't check D/D often, but I was glad to see you.

A fun website is Flylady.com, it's about housework mainly, but some of the disasters that women relate are really funny.

I don't have much wisdom for you, except that healing takes time. My H & I have done a lot of work and our marriage is good, there is respect, love, and I won't kid you, there are times the scars ache...but they are healed.

Wishing you the best

Lora,

I feel your frustration. It has only been 4 1/2 months since my divorce and over a year since my exh asked for the divorce. I was devastated when he told me and almost took my own life in the process. I realized later that I had to live for my son, and I'm glad I did because I found out why he didn't want to seek counseling and didn't want to make it work anymore. It was another woman. He is now engaged to her and I am devoted to make the best of a horrible situation. I am constantly reminded everyday of the betrayl I suffered and the issues I will have to deal with a new step-mom. It's a horrible thought and one that makes me not trust another man ever ever ever again. I can't stress how much I understand where you are coming from. I still have alot of anger and grief. I wish I could give you words of wisdom, but I'm trying to deal with my own. I do know that when I'm down I got to friends and talk. Or I take a nice hot bath, drink a glass of wine, and listen to a soothing cd. But most importantly I learn to forgive, and then I can learn to trust again. I can't have closure on my grief, because I have to continue to deal with it everday, so I had to decide to move on otherwise I would go insane. I just know now what my minimum requirements are for any man going forward. And I would rather be alone and be true to myself by sticking to my requirements of people then let my heart get trampled on again. I think that is where you may be at. Be true to yourself!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi ISleepalone,
I have a cat to sleep with... comfort on those cold nights <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks for th support. It just seems so many people can move on with a new relationship, and thats really the farthest thing from my mind.

Hi Letstry,
Will email you to... thanks

Lor,
Good to see you too. I catch up on your posts now and then when I scan for people I know. Glad you are doing well. Maybe its a fantasy of mine to think of a relationship that doesnt hurt. Sometimes I think I would be OK with just alot of freinds. But I sure miss sex. LOL

Thanks for the website suggestion, I'll check it out.

hey Robyn,
You posted your first post to me? I'm honored. I'm glad you found us. Sorry for the need that brought you here though. I guess it will take more time, seems like the past several years have been all about being patient and healing.... havent I learned that lesson yet?
Take Care.

<small>[ September 29, 2003, 06:46 PM: Message edited by: Lora ]</small>

Hi Lora,

It's Belle. Though I'm not in high crisis mode anymore, I also still come to the boards, to see how my old connections are doing.

of course you're still skeptical about relationships. So am I.

Recently our son's new school hosted a reception for parents of new students. We attended, met teachers, other parents, had a nice afternoon. My H behaved charmingly toward me and put on his witty, warm social personna. I hardly recognized him.

I found myself watching other couples, and guess what I was thinking: How many of them are having EMA's? Cynicism has taken hold inside me about relationships too.

BTW, we had hardly gotten into our car to drive home when the shade went down over his eyes again and he became The Phantom. Barely audible, monosylabic, noncommital. C'est la vie.

At least the agony of wondering if he was seeing the OW and lying to you, and telling you you were crazy has stopped.

Be well! You're a nice lady.

Aww Belle,
You sweetie, you make me blush with your kind words. I keep watch for posts from you too and wonder how you are.

I know my life is better for not having his sullen, uncomunicative face before me every day. I feel like a better person when I am surrounded by people who love me instead of him acting like I am less then a person who is somehow untouchable.

I have lost weight again and am exercising and feel better in general. I took a big step and began the search for my birth Mother to see what happens.

But I wonder if I will ever love again or even date, or if my cynicism about relationships will turn to bitterness. And I wonder about all us lurkers <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Not really healed, not really actively posting, In the limbo after infidelity.

<small>[ September 30, 2003, 06:50 PM: Message edited by: Lora ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lora:
<strong>
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Not really healed, not really actively posting, In the limbo after infidelity.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yeah, I know what you mean. I can't stay away completely either. But I'm much better. Number, thanks to the Zoloft, but still not confident.

So, birth mother search, eh? How are you doing it? Private eye, internet, Family History Library (the Mormons?) I also tried looking up relatives when I was doing geneaology. Was not very successful, but many people are and seem quite pleased.

Turns out it was simple and cheap for me. I was born in a city where the salvation army ran a home for unwed mothers and with one phone call she was able to confirm I was born there. I sent in the paperwork relaease of info, and she just wrote back that they have sent out a letter to my birth mother. If she gives the OK , then they will connect us. It was a little scarey how quick and easy it was so far.

Hi Lora,
Thank you for wondering about all us lurkers. I couldn’t resist the temptation to stay hibernated. Like you, I try to move on with my lonely and empty life, even though my wife is still with me. I’m not in divorce and I’m not in recovery either. My relationship has been frozen in time, especially my sex life. Like you said, I’m not really healed and not really actively posting either, just in limbo after infidelity. I’ve been trying very hard to focus on the kids, work, and myself since what my wife wants from me is to just leave her alone. Since she is too busy with school (at least 2 1/2 years) and part time work, she has no time for anybody, especially me. Pretty much our communication ends up with “post-it” note because by the time she gets home I go to bed (separate room) and by the time she wakes up I get to work already. There is no phone call either. Like they said, C’est la vie.

Sorry, I don’t have any advice to give you, but just want to let you know that I still remember you, old friend.

OOOO!

Good to see you! I guess there are alot of us in that lurker category. I'm sorry to hear you are in the same old pattern with your marriage. I dont know if its worse to be married and have no sex life or divorced and not much hope of ever having one. I hope you have other things in your life that make you happy, I know you enjoyed your children.
It was good to hear from you, and I wish you peace. Thanks for coming out of lurking to say hi.

Oh my gosh,

Yesterday was my anniversary and I didnt remember it till today! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Maybe I am getting over it.

Lora,

Yeah! (Yay?!) about finding your birth mom. I hope she's a nice woman, and that you will be able to meet and get to know each other.

she's GOTTA be a nice woman. She gave you up for adoption, which was a huge sacrifice.

You forgot your anniversary? Girl, you are healing fantastically. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Thanks Belle.

I'll keep you posted on the results of my search.