Is this Irrational or Selfish?? - 12/08/03 05:41 PM
Wife and I have separated a total of four times in 12 years of marriage. She is currently living in an apartment. We have been living apart about 5 months this time (the longest stretch).
We have a 7 and an 8 year old which we split custody on 50/50.
No drama, fights, arguments, screaming or otherwise. Split has been amicable as always.
She's been seeing another guy for a while since about a month or two after she moved out. She's had some great times with this guy (clubs, organizing singles parties, etc. He's 27 yrs old, she's 30).
She contends I never wanted to have fun with her during the marriage. I contend I was too busy trying to make a good living and raise two newborns and therefore, at the time, was very serious about building a solid foundation.. so we could have a lot of FUN later. Admittedly I could have had more fun. I was pretty serious a lot of the time.
But that was then and this is now. I've grown, I have good work, a house, all the stuff I was trying to put in place for all of those years. And now, yes, I am ready to have some fun.
Anyways, I haven't really dated since the split. I had dinner with a lady a few times and we hung out, but nothing really intimate as my wife has now on several occasions. :vomit:
I want to keep trying to save the marriage and have told her I am far more willing to have some fun now, but perhaps not by going to singles parties and hanging out at hiphop clubs. Seems like fun can be in MANY forms if two people truly want to be together..?
But she is in her comfort zone and enjoying her independence and control of her life which she says she didn't let herself exercise in the marriage .. apparently because she became complacent and subsequently dependent on me too much.
Recently I expressed to her that I love her revived independence and control and THAT is who I married and THAT is who I want to spend my life with. Her response was that if we move back in together, she fears she'd get too dependent on me again and lose that control and then end up not having any fun again and that I'd be too serious.
She says she loves me and of course I love her and care for her deeply. I miss her immensely and she obviously misses me, too, because she invited me to a big singles party this coming Friday to "see how we do together around my friends" .. to "see if you can adapt to my lifestyle..."
I feel like I'm being test driven... ? She has repeatedly said things like "If you can adapt to my lifestyle" and even suggested living in two different houses next door to each other if we ultimately decide to save our marriage.
What are your thoughts? To ME, it sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it, too. Doesn;t really sound like a person who is focused on saving a marriage and meeting the other HALF way. Seems like she wants to stay in the singles scene and around those kind of people and try to integrate me in somehow.
Bear in mind this is a woman who said to me just THIS MORNING (after learning we don't have daycare this week and she will need to pick kids up from school) "I'm dreading picking them up at 2pm every day this week. They are a pain in the @ss. And they can't stand being with me all day."
Please help.
We have a 7 and an 8 year old which we split custody on 50/50.
No drama, fights, arguments, screaming or otherwise. Split has been amicable as always.
She's been seeing another guy for a while since about a month or two after she moved out. She's had some great times with this guy (clubs, organizing singles parties, etc. He's 27 yrs old, she's 30).
She contends I never wanted to have fun with her during the marriage. I contend I was too busy trying to make a good living and raise two newborns and therefore, at the time, was very serious about building a solid foundation.. so we could have a lot of FUN later. Admittedly I could have had more fun. I was pretty serious a lot of the time.
But that was then and this is now. I've grown, I have good work, a house, all the stuff I was trying to put in place for all of those years. And now, yes, I am ready to have some fun.
Anyways, I haven't really dated since the split. I had dinner with a lady a few times and we hung out, but nothing really intimate as my wife has now on several occasions. :vomit:
I want to keep trying to save the marriage and have told her I am far more willing to have some fun now, but perhaps not by going to singles parties and hanging out at hiphop clubs. Seems like fun can be in MANY forms if two people truly want to be together..?
But she is in her comfort zone and enjoying her independence and control of her life which she says she didn't let herself exercise in the marriage .. apparently because she became complacent and subsequently dependent on me too much.
Recently I expressed to her that I love her revived independence and control and THAT is who I married and THAT is who I want to spend my life with. Her response was that if we move back in together, she fears she'd get too dependent on me again and lose that control and then end up not having any fun again and that I'd be too serious.
She says she loves me and of course I love her and care for her deeply. I miss her immensely and she obviously misses me, too, because she invited me to a big singles party this coming Friday to "see how we do together around my friends" .. to "see if you can adapt to my lifestyle..."
I feel like I'm being test driven... ? She has repeatedly said things like "If you can adapt to my lifestyle" and even suggested living in two different houses next door to each other if we ultimately decide to save our marriage.
What are your thoughts? To ME, it sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it, too. Doesn;t really sound like a person who is focused on saving a marriage and meeting the other HALF way. Seems like she wants to stay in the singles scene and around those kind of people and try to integrate me in somehow.
Bear in mind this is a woman who said to me just THIS MORNING (after learning we don't have daycare this week and she will need to pick kids up from school) "I'm dreading picking them up at 2pm every day this week. They are a pain in the @ss. And they can't stand being with me all day."
Please help.