How do I save my marriage? - Marriage Builders® Forums

Several months ago I left my wife, children, and home to figure out my marriage. I thought at the time I was not at fault due to my wifes infidelity. For a while I was very stubborn and unwilling to admit any fault and justifying my poor relationship skills with my wifes infidelity. Several months have past now and I am feeling completely different about the marriage. I have been going to a divorce support group and have learned I played a part in this process. I also realize much of what my wife says about me is true. My wife is now ready to be divorced and has filed the paperwork. I know I had a chance for several months to get back into the relationship but I was not ready to put my ego aside and forgive her. When we talk now she is very distant at times and obviously doesn't trust me to be serious about fixing things. I realize now that I have never loved a woman as much as her and I don't feel I ever will again. I miss my wife and children so much. Father's day passed and all I could think of was how special the cards from the children were, I spent the day alone and missed them so much. I have tried to tell her in every way possible that I am sorry and ready but I really don't know what to say to her. I know that her family, counselor, and friends are not particulary thrilled about me and I just can't compete with that. I am not a bad person and I realize I should not have approached the affairs with anger, I should have shown compassion. I let my anger build up for 4+ years and distanced myself unintentionally from the relationship. How can I get my family back? Thank you so much for any support. Evan

[ June 26, 2004, 05:37 PM: Message edited by: ETG ]

[ June 26, 2004, 05:36 PM: Message edited by: ETG ]

It is wonderful how you have forgiven your wife's adultery and realize the mistake you made of the anger, and that you want to make effort toward reconcilling!! God is very pleased with your current attitude!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Are you familiar with the Matthew 18:15-19 process, used to confront a spouse who is committing sin against you? Well, in your case, you would not be confronting her (if she has already stopped the affair and repented of the adultery), but instead, you should contact your pastor, admit just what you've written here...and ask if he would be willing to meet with you and your wife. In the presence of the pastor, you would express compassionate forgiveness to her and repent of your anger and any other problems you contributed to in damaging the relationship, and ask for a chance to start again, to become the kind of husband and have the marriage God designed. The pastor would help work out a plan of steering this relationship through the healing process and rebuilding of trust(restoration) and ultimately reconcilliation. If your pastor can't or won't help you in this way, a Christian counselor could do this also.

[ June 26, 2004, 04:42 PM: Message edited by: Renae ]

Thank you so much for the reply. I have wanted to do this but my wife is no longer willing to go to counseling. I guess I can't blame her, I was unwilling to also before for myself and unwilling to make the call for the joint, although I was willing to attend joint counseling.

At this point I am praying for God to restore the marriage. I can't imagine God's will would be a divorce considering the strong words against it Bibically. My wife is has also told me that she is praying for God's will. I can only hope that God's will will ultimately prevail.

If she's too discouraged to go to counseling, then is your pastor bold enough to contact her and see if he can encourage her toward rebuilding this relationship? Or are there Godly women in the church who could support her toward this personal healing and growth necessary so she will want to go to counseling? What I mean is "resurrect hope in her".

[ June 26, 2004, 04:48 PM: Message edited by: Renae ]

Unfortunately we both started out with the best of intentions with our marriage and slipped away from God. We never attended church on a regular basis and only now are we both seeking God. I really don't know of any person that I could ask to do this for me. I wish there was a mutual person I could ask.

Check for a larger Christian church in your area that would be willing to help. Maybe one that offers DivorceCare would also have a ministry to restore marriages. See www.DivorceCare.com to find a location for that in your area and call that church. You don't have to be a member there to get this kind of help. Any Godly church would love to serve you in this way.

Another idea is to use a ministry like PeaceMakers...I have to find the web address...

[ June 26, 2004, 05:13 PM: Message edited by: Renae ]

It's www.hispeace.org

If you go to that PeaceMaker's site, click on Marriage on the left side of the screen, and that brings you to an article, plus a link to an article about Hope for troubled marriages.

This group can put you in touch with those in your area who can help!!!

[ June 26, 2004, 05:24 PM: Message edited by: Renae ]

Thank you so much for the sites. My only concern would be making her feel that I am doing something to trick or trap her into the relationship. I want to make sure everything is honest. The biggest problem is that she doesn't believe me anymore. We have both had trust issues throughout the marriage. Mine started in the marriage and hers before, but we both haven't trusted or believed the other. These past few months have been so emotional for me, I have never been through something like this. I finally feel emotionally stable for the first time in the past few months. I now know what I want in my life. Over the past few months, I have wavered back and forth, sometimes wanting the marriage and other times not. Then I started praying and found God was missing. Then I found that I really did want things to work with her, I just needed to get through the anger. The past week I see things coming to an actual end and I know that I need to come clean with her and tell her that I was wrong and ask her to forgive me. I don't want to lose her and my step-kids. I love them all so much. My ego/pride is just not worth it.

I was gone for a bit... just got back.

You're on the right track . It will probably go slow...do love her in what ways she is willing to receive, step by step... Don't push it too far too soon. Keep praying and asking God for the next step you should take on His path to restoring this relationship...He has a way, if we are willing to follow Him... and if your W continues to seek him now too that will help... well, a miracle could be around the corner! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Praying,
~Renae

[ June 26, 2004, 06:57 PM: Message edited by: Renae ]

Are you familiar with these:

www.familylife.com (conferences, etc)

www.famtoday.com (seminars, resources, TV program)...excellent!!!

I recommend these, with the idea that you must Keep working on yourself, to be the husband she will again be attracted to. Plus maybe she will go with to a FL conference.... or watch Jimmy Evans'on TV.... and regain hope for restoring this marriage.

ETG,

I'm not familair with your story, other than what you've shared in this thread. Your wife had multiple affairs. That to me is something to be said for in itself, that this extends past just your being a 'bad husband'. It does appear you have accepted responsiblity for what you failed in, but, I think it's important that she is 'given' her own amount of blame. Don't try to take that from her.

If, honestly, she is seeking to follow God's will, and you are as well. SMILE. Smile whenever you get a chance to be around her. You are right, God hates divorice, it breaks the image that He wants us to portray of Christianity. Satan wins a battle everytime he takes down a marriage. If you both are seeking to follow God in obedience right now, you can smile, for you know something, she can't win this one. You will be back together.

When my wife left me, there were a couple times when I had conversations with some of my relatives and they could feel the pain I was in through my voice on the phone, and at the same time, they would hear me smile and say that she didn't stand a chance, and that she would come home, and fall back in love with me. I was that sure of it, because of my role as the husband, father, model of Christ and where I had come to in prayer and obedience. I said it a couple times, that I would win this one. I don't know how I knew, but I did.

Anyways, maybe you can have confidence on that. Have you tried courting her? I don't know, you moving out was a real slap in the face for her, I'm sure. She probably felt when she needed you most, and exposed herself to you, you abandoned her and your kids. I think the only thing you can do is suck it up and admit to that. Admit to her how weak it was, and that it was very selfish of you to do it. Maybe try to find a way to work in also that at where you were at at that time, it also was something that you felt protected your marriage in some fashion. Plan B is about that...it's about getting away from each other until you are both ready to work on the US. Too much damage can be caused during the heat of the moment...maybe that can play to your advantage.

Finally. Joint counseling. You are willing? Then schedule it. Find a place that is convenient for her. Offer you each go in separate cars to start off. It doesn't matter, you will appreciate having some distance immediately following (trust me)...and then go. Her being there is irrelevant. Of course, joint counseling helps if both of you are there, but, you also have to lead my man. You have to step up and just take the reigns of the family. Lead them, don't plod along with your head down. It doesn't matter if you don't have a clue where you are going, what you are doing or how to get there...just go there with an air of confidence. If you go on your knees, trust me, the rewards will be felt. It may not be til you die, but, they will be there, I promise.

You can do this, it's tough..but you can. I put a quote on my mirror, it's still there. "It's supposed to be hard, if it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The HARD is what makes it GREAT." -Tom Hanks in "You've got mail"

I try to really take that in when I'm feeling how hard it is. Perhaps you can also.

She has been going to counseling herself. I believe her when she says she hated the person she was. I hate the person I have become or was. I don't want to be that person anymore. I wish we could go to counseling but now she won't. I wish I could court her, I just feel so desperate around her, I don't ever say the right things. We end up having arguments over the smallest of things, even when we agree. I am trying to show her that I don't want to be in a bad relationship anymore than she does. I just can't seem to get across to her. Why would I want a bad relationship with her, I hated things the way they were? I want to be happy with her and the kids :-) It is just so hard being happy when I know I can be with the woman of my dreams and the kids that I love anymore. It is so hard to smile. I feel like I blew it. I was not there when she needed me. When I left it was more a mutual decision, but I never told her I wanted to come back. I played a stupid game, I wanted her to feel the pain that I felt, I wanted to come back inside, but I wanted to make sure she was sorry and that it would not happen. She asked me during this time to comfort her and I didn't. It brings tears to my eyes to think of how cruel this was to her. She didn't deserve it. I was not being honest or truthfull with her about my feelings, I should have been. I know she has a good heart, I just wish that she would open up again. I can't picture myself ever being with another woman. We had such a mental and emotional connection and I only realize it now. We always worked against each other though, I don't know why. We are really perfect for each other. I hope with all my heart that this is just a test from God and a wake-up call to the relationship. This could be so great if we both just got down on our knees and looked to God for direction. I hope this will happen. Thank you all for you help. I think I will schedule an appointment on Monday with a marriage counselor and pray that she will be willing. Even though she hasn't been willing in the past couple of weeks, I hope God will listen to my pleas for help. Please pray for God to help us through this, I really want to be a good husband.

You write so well....could you write to her like you have posted here?? It is a good way to let her know what's really going on in your spirit, head, and heart...

Write how much you love her and why too.

Make the appointment with a Christian counselor, and then in this note, invite her to come if she will, otherwise say that you are so serious about restoring this relationship that you will go to the counselor alone until she joins in...

I have written to her so much and I get back a no resonse, a negative response, or sometimes one saying that she accepts my apology. I have told her these same things. I asked her last night to come to counseling if I made the appointment, she hung up on me. I just don't know what to say to her. There are so many people telling her that I am rotten, why would she give me a chance.

Are you rotten? Well then forget those others! Chill on the writing. If you are pursuing something, then it is moving from you. You want her to move toward you. If she has accepted your apology, don't apologise again. instead, Work on yourself-physically, emotionally, spirtually, socially. You will feel better and she will notice.

Also, you should PRAY. Pray to fully forgive her. Pray to forgive yourself pray that you will have the stamina to endure what comes next. Identify what your W needs most emtionally and provide it however and whenever you can. You've got a big turnaround coming. Dig deep!

If you have done everything you can do, then wait on God. Whenever you have opportunity, demonstrate the new man that you are to your wife/family...acts of kindness, thoughtfulness, but nothing pushy. Keep your focus on maintaining an intimate relationship with HIM and loving those kids of yours.

I am praying right now for you, as I finish this post, and we will trust that God will move in your situation, to bring about the necessary healing & restoration...in HIS way, HIS time.

Thank you Renae for you prayers. It is difficult not being pushy, and I understand what you are saying. It is so hard to be apart from her and the kids. I need to show her that I have changed. I went to a Christian based counseling center today and they would be willing to do joint counseling with my wife. I am hoping that she will just trust me for a moment and go to counseling with me. I understand she is hurt and that she doesn't want to trust, I was at the same point she was a couple of months ago. When I trusted in God it changed my anger into love. Anger is really a form of misdirected love. You often hate the people you really love when you are hurt. I guess that gives me some comfort :-) When I called her the other night she hung up because it was late, I should correct that. She did come into the forum and read the posts a couple of days ago. I really want to show her that things are different, I hope and pray that I will be given a chance. Thank you again for your prayers.

Joint counseling would be helpful!!...I will pray that she will cooperate!!... Post again when you learn of her decision!!

Yes, you will need to deal with what is causing your anger. Anger is a serious lovebuster! But admitting the problem is the beginning of change, and change brings renewed hope.

I pray she will choose to heal and grow with you and that your marriage & family can be healed and reconciled!

Still no interest in the marriage counseling. I have been told by her lawyer not to contact her or the kids. I have no rights as I am only a step-father. Today is the 4th of July and I spent the day alone thinking of my family and what I had. I missed having the BBQ and watching the fireworks and parade with my family. I appreciate everything now that things don't look hopeful. I will keep praying and attending counseling.

I understand how it feels, as I too spent the 4th alone. It's been a year since my abusive husband gave up on himself changing through counseling and filed to set me free of his ways.

Divorce is not a solution to our personal or marital issues, of course! I pray that your wife will soon come to realize that. I pray that she will keep seeking God for the real solution!!...
because there is one!!!...

Circumstances can appear hopeless, but God still has a plan!!.. He has taken you a long way toward His Will, and He will not abandon you! He is working in your wife's heart too, if she is a believer, and we will keep praying that she will heal and that this marriage can be miraculously restored. I pray for these children too, that what is best for them will happen!! Do not give up hope!...Trust God for what is yet unseen...His plan is GOOD!!!!...and you are on your way walking into it!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I am presently going through the same thing. I am currently 4 months pregnant and realized that my husband had been having an affair with a member of our church. When I found out I confronted him and asked him and he said that she was giving him advice. He moved out of our new home 2 months ago. The best part is that the Lord blessed us with this pregnancy after we had been trying for so long. We have only been married for two years and he has already signed the divorce papers. Luckily, I am on his insurance and the divorce will not be final until after the baby is born. I still pray for restoration of my marriage. I took vows for better , for worse, etc. I have thought about moving away and going on with my life, but would I be happy? He acts like a real jerk. He has refused counseling, he does not attend any dr. appointments nor does he call to see if I need anything. I just pray for him. His claim is that we disagreed and he is correct. A married man should be at home with his wife, not at the bar with his fraternity brothers or conversing with other women. Of course I was upset. He and I dated for 7 yrs. prior to our marriage and he was my best friend. It's like Satan has a choke hold on him. I don't know what else to do. Do I fight or just let him go considering how awful he treats me?

Kyshia, I'm sorry you are facing this, but again, God is still bigger than this problem and will help you through. Pour out your heart in prayer, repenting & asking for a clean heart before HIM. Ask for His Will to be done in your marriage and that He will show you the way through this trial. Pray that your husband would be delivered of this deception that has captured him, get the support you need to keep praying. I think there is still a group of women here too, with Stormie Omartian's book, Power of a Praying Wife. Do not give up!

Tell your husband of your stand...that you love him, that this covenant is of the Lord, and divorce is not the answer to any problems that have come between you. You desire to get the counseling together that will help to resolve this. If your husband will not hear you, then according to Matt. 18:15-19, go to your pastor and see if he would speak to your husband.