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Posted By: shivan Vote worst cause of domestic violence. - 07/26/04 11:44 AM
Argument is worst part in married life, when it turns violence is hell in the life.
Posted By: Cherished Re: Vote worst cause of domestic violence. - 07/27/04 05:40 AM
What do you mean by "worst"? I put down alcoholism. So much of anger is associated with lack of impulse control from too much drinking, and that as a cause for domestic violence is avoidable.

My H broke my arm when I threatened to call the woman with whom in fact he was having an A.
Posted By: Bumperii Re: Vote worst cause of domestic violence. - 07/26/04 09:06 PM
Domestic violence is caused by the A$$***e criminals who commit it. It is a criminal act and the criminals who do it need to be in prison.

Other than that, there are no causes for domestic violence, there are only low life slime balls trying to excuse their own inexcusable behavior.
Posted By: Mitzi Re: Vote worst cause of domestic violence. - 07/26/04 09:22 PM
I'm with Bumper on this one. But, if you'd ask my ex, he would say that I was the cause of the domestic violence. I didn't cook what he wanted, I didn't clean enough, I didn't do every little thing he told me to do. Or sometimes it was just because I existed. I ALWAYS made him do it!

Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
This poll is incomprehensible. There is no such thing as the "worst" cause of domestic violence, but no cause for domestic violence is acceptable...thus, ALL causes are the worst!

I don't care if you did argue,
I don't care if you were drunk,
I don't care if there was an affair,
I don't care if the house is a mess,
I don't care if your spouse got fat,
I don't care if "it just happened"...
There is NO excuse for domestic violence!! Period!!


CJ
Posted By: Binf Re: Vote worst cause of domestic violence. - 07/26/04 09:34 PM
Ack! I'm with CJ here.

(with the possible exception of the Clinton household which I think would be forgivable)

WooT! I'm so bad today!
Posted By: Nina too Re: Vote worst cause of domestic violence. - 07/26/04 11:29 PM
The cause of domestic violence is that the person behind the fist doesn't stop the fist from making contact with the victim.

NO excuse, none. Never has been, never will be.
Posted By: Cherished Re: Vote worst cause of domestic violence. - 07/26/04 11:37 PM
Nina, your post made me laugh. There I was in bed, recovering from surgery 12 days before, with a catheter bag clipped on the side of my bed and the phone in my hand. He came over to the bed, I said, "If you hit me, you could mess up the surgery" and he said, "I don't care." I put my hands up to protect my face, he punched away the hands and punched my shoulder.

You know what? It was my fault that my arm got broken. He was just going to punch my shoulder.

A man who doesn't face up to the fact that it is ALL HIS FAULT, no matter what, will do it again and again and again.

Cherished
Posted By: Garbo Re: Vote worst cause of domestic violence. - 07/27/04 12:14 AM
The leading cause of abuse?

Coming from an abusive home, and low self-esteem. Children learn what they see; little boys either become their mothers' Protector, or they become abusers themselves. Little girls learn that their husbands will beat them up. Children whose parents beat them, grow up thinking they can feel powerful and in control of "discipline" by beating their own children.

The abuser has low self-esteem. Being able to beat or verbally or mentally abuse a woman or child is so easy for them to do, and makes them feel in control. With their equals out in the world, they never feel quite good enough.

Alcohol doesn't cause abuse, but it lessens inhibitions. If someone is a miserable [censored], he will be an even more miserable [censored] after 3 martinis. But he had the desire to abuse, humiliate, and control before he ever had a drink.

The only solution is therapy for the abuser, and sometimes medications. But most abusers, like alcoholics, fight admitting that they have a problem, and don't get the help they need.
Hi people,

I am reading the responses about domestic violence and I see a very bias thing here. I would like to ask what constitutes domestic violence??.. What exactly is domestic violence as defined by the law....All I see are posts about men beating the hell out of women. Punching them and doing extreme physical, emotional damage.

Yes, I am sure the majority of people charged with domestic violence are men. I don't doubt that for a second. I don't know the answer to my own question completely, what I do know in response to my question is that almost anything that involves yelling, throwing things, breaking things, pushing, scratching, What I am getting at is we all hear Domestic Violence and instantly we picture a mad man knocking the hell out of a woman with his fist. Very subtle things that go on in everyday life amongst couples can be considered domestic violence. I mean lets face it after living with each other for so many years there will be an argument where two people get a little physical, such as grabbing each other or maybe even wrestling, or a slap on the butt. A slap on the butt when frisky is taken a whole lot differntly than when someone is angry at you and does it no harder or softer than when frisky. A man would get arrested for domestic violence if his wife called up the police and said my husband just slapped me on my butt and we were arguing.

I do not condone punching, kicking, slapping, kneeing, elbowing with intent to do harm. That is domestic violence. But really, by definition and interpretation of the letter of the law it is very sensitive as to whether or not domestic violence should be charged in some cases. Definately a punch, with fist and hard....is or would be or should be domestic violence. I guess the point I am making here is women too commit domestic violence when they get very irate, *****y and yell and scream, a guy is an AS*Hole if he does that but its ok for women to get aways with it?? I don't think so but it happens.

I don't and I am not trying to lessen the severity of real domestic violence, it is a serious crime and should be dealt with harshly. I do believe a lot of domestic issues that the state prosecutes are at best a person reporting it very pissed off and wants to get the other involved in trouble or just punish them. In no way do I support hitting a woman. Women don't hit or slap or yell or irritate the man. It works both ways just like the two way street.

I hope no one has taken this opinion wrongfully and I don't mean to offend anyone. I just think so many things men take the brunt of the blame for because they are bigger and usually stronger physically. Thats all. Thanks for your understanding. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Posted By: Mitzi Re: Vote worst cause of domestic violence. - 07/29/04 02:59 AM
Hey Ran...

You're right! Women do commit domestic violence also. People do think of it as being a man thing but it's only because women will report it more often so that sways the statistics.

I would assume that if the police were ever called to my house, I could have possibly been charged with domestic violence also. Because yes, I did hit my ex back. Not everytime I got hit but just on a few occassions. I HAD to, to get him to stop hitting me or to get him away from my children.

I hate when women call the police and report domestic violence just because they're mad! If they only knew what a real beating felt like, they might not be so quick to pick up the phone.

Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Posted By: Cherished Re: Vote worst cause of domestic violence. - 07/29/04 11:41 AM
My H never intended to harm me -- didn't think he could. Did I ever call the police? No -- not even when he broke my arm.

Should I have? Yes. Long, long before that -- but I thought it was my fault he got so angry.

I think any sort of physical touch that is hurtful should be reported because if not stopped it can escalate.

Yes, women are physically violent as well. The night I found out he had been having an affair, I may have had a nervous breakdown. I went to Sophia's house and yelled "Sophia .... is a whore" at 3 in the morning. Not exactly the sanest thing to do. Also, I bit my H.

People can learn different lessons from experiences like this. I learned that the sooner you won't tolerate something the better off you are. I tolerated a lot of physical abuse, even a broken arm, but not an affair.

Cherished
<strong>A man who doesn't face up to the fact that it is ALL HIS FAULT, no matter what, will do it again and again and again.</strong>

I know women that apply this logic to all aspects of a relationship <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

There is physical abuse . . . probably the perps. are mostly men.

Verbal abuse . . . probably this is a mixed bag when it comes to the sexes.

Emotional abuse . . . here I thing the women reign.
Posted By: Mitzi Re: Vote worst cause of domestic violence. - 07/29/04 07:48 PM
Comfortably Numb...I'm curious as to why you think women are more emotionally abusive than men??

Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Mitzi:
<strong> Comfortably Numb...I'm curious as to why you think women are more emotionally abusive than men??

Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is just my experience . . . it is what I have observed in the relationships that I have viewed.

Women cannot usally out muscle a man, but they sure as hell can verbally abuse and emotionally badger one. Sadly, I think one uses the tools at their disposal when they are hell-bent on hurting someone.

Of course . . . not all women do this . . . I'm sure you're a perect angel <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . . . and of course I'm a saint <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
Posted By: Mitzi Re: Vote worst cause of domestic violence. - 07/29/04 09:06 PM
Nope, not a perfect angel at all! LOL I was just curious, that was all. Thought maybe you might have read that somewhere or heard it somewhere.

But ya can't just go by experience. Not all women are emotionally abusive, just as not all men are physically abusive!

Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
For the record, there is no infidelity in my marriage, however, my W has been physically abusive. Last March, she punched me in the face, cutting the outside of my chin & the inside of my lip. I have never struck her nor intentionally hurt her in any way. I did not call the police.

My wife is 5'4" and weighs about 150-155. I am 5'10" and weigh 225. I have a 48" chest and a 36" waist, so I am considerably larger. I also can bench press well over 300 pounds and I have had training in a few styles of martial arts.

If I was to report her, I would be completely ridiculed. I know this because I am an assistant district attorney who has discussed this matter at length with my colleagues (not that I have been hit, but what they think of abusive wives). They all have told me that they are very suspicious of any claim that a wife has abused her husband, especially when there is a distinctive size/strength advantage.

So now I have a choice. I can abandon my two daughters or stay & hope that she learns how to control her temper in counseling. Since I absolutely will not hit her back, all I can do is cover up or leave the house if she starts again.

The point of all of this is to make it clear that hitting or otherwise hurting another person is never a way to resolve issues. If you are a wife & your H hits, call the police, file a report, and testify against him at trial. You will be believed, with very rare exceptions. However, if you are a husband married to a wife who hits, you can leave, put up with it, or report it and hope that you might get a police officer and prosecutor who are in the miniscule minority of people who believe that a woman can be abusive.

Sorry for the vent.
Posted By: Cherished Re: Vote worst cause of domestic violence. - 07/30/04 02:43 AM
IsIt2late:
For what it is worth, I agree with you. I started having angry outbursts during the A and my H got me into counseling. After the A was exposed, I bit him. I tried to control myself and tried to find an anger management program for women. I finally found one -- and it turned out to be for lesbians!

Dr. Harley's program has helped me as has IC, but it is up to your W to recognize she has a problem. There is a book called "Angry all the Time" that my H got from his anger management group that seems pretty insightful. It is embarassing to be a woman with an anger problem.

We were just watching Kerry's speech, and Keery talked about his W who stood up. I said she looks like a woman who uses her elbows. Bush's wife, on the other hand, looks well cared for. I think on that basis alone I would want to vote for Bush. Sad to say, I'm more like Teresa Kerry, and I wish I wasn't.

Cherished
Posted By: Cherished Re: Vote worst cause of domestic violence. - 07/30/04 02:44 AM
IsIt2late:
For what it is worth, I agree with you. I started having angry outbursts during the A and my H got me into counseling. After the A was exposed, I bit him. I tried to control myself and tried to find an anger management program for women. I finally found one -- and it turned out to be for lesbians! I attended one meeting at a shelter for abused women, and were they ever angry, nasty women!

Dr. Harley's program has helped me as has IC, but it is up to your W to recognize she has a problem. There is a book called "Angry all the Time" that my H got from his anger management group that seems pretty insightful. It is embarassing to be a woman with an anger problem.

We were just watching Kerry's speech, and Keery talked about his W who stood up. I said she looks like a woman who uses her elbows. Bush's wife, on the other hand, looks well cared for. I think on that basis alone I would want to vote for Bush. Sad to say, I'm more like Teresa Kerry, and I wish I wasn't.

Cherished
My H is 6'8" 260 lbs, I 5'8 135lbs. My H put a gun under his chin and asked, "are you going to leave?" I said, "no." He straddled himself over me and pinned me to the bed...same question, same response. He then picked me up like a man carries a 2 by 4 (carried me one armed, with my body resting on his hip) and carried me in the bathroom...pinned me to the shower wall with his lower arm across my throat while putting the shower nozzle in my face. Our son (8 at the time) ran upstiars and screamed. H stopped, but then he made our son watch while he started again. Our son screamed again. My H then took me by one arm and dragged my body over the hump of the shower, across the bathroom floor and into the hall, heading for our bedroom. I did not want to be behind the closed doors with the gun...I begged him to let me go, and he did.

2 years later on a weekend we order out pizza. I had a bit too much and did not want to have sex. He did, even when I said no many times and pushed on his chest. I just went limp and turned my head and he kept going. Then he said right after, "I'll never do that again."

One year later...We are in MC and I am starting ic. He is remorseful and obsessed with me. I am angry and withdrawn mostly. Before my H hurt me, I did not want a D, I wanted to work on some things. Now I would like a D. We are in MC to see if we can save this M. I'm 35 with 17 and 1/2 years married and two kids. The MC is saying he is immature and suffered being abandoned as a child.

Isit2late,
I told my H one day I was scared...he said, "Maybe you should take karate." I told him, "If I need karate to protect myself from my H, I'm with the wrong man." Then I rolled my eyes and said, "Like if I was a black belt I could stop you." H said, "I was just kidding." I was thinking...F'en [censored]!

This is my abuse, my life <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
Laura

<small>[ July 30, 2004, 12:40 PM: Message edited by: struggling4years ]</small>
Laura,

I am very sorry that this happened to you. Please seriously consider reporting him to the police. This is way too dangerous.

If you were my sister, I would beat him up for you.
Posted By: Mitzi Re: Vote worst cause of domestic violence. - 07/31/04 02:52 PM
Laura,

Sounds so familiar to me....it WAS my life too. Please take IsIt2Late's advice...get out, call the police, do something. You don't deserve to live like this.

(((((HUGS)))))
Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Isit2late,

Thanks for the thought. Perhaps my heart is too big and my brain too small.


Mitzi, sorry to hear that life was familiar to you.


Laura
Posted By: Anonymous Post deleted by jaguar - 08/02/04 04:45 AM
Posted By: Cherished Re: Vote worst cause of domestic violence. - 08/02/04 02:08 PM
Aspen Tree --
My H is not scum. He made some terrible mistakes. He also choked me, and I still have a lump in the middle of my forehead from when he pushed on it on 1/3/98. I felt like he was going to push my skull right into my brain. Scary, much scarier than his breaking my arm.

Guys like those need to WAKE UP, and they don't wake up if their partners COVER UP and take the blame, which is what I did, even for a broken arm.

I was part of the problem. I needed to give him the dignity to be a separate human being, not one whose actions were determined by mine. I needed to hold him accountable for his actions.
Cherished
John, Somehow, I missed this post earlier and wanted to respond.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by IsIt2late:
<strong> ...If I was to report her, I would be completely ridiculed. I know this because I am an assistant district attorney who has discussed this matter at length with my colleagues (not that I have been hit, but what they think of abusive wives). They all have told me that they are very suspicious of any claim that a wife has abused her husband, especially when there is a distinctive size/strength advantage...

...However, if you are a husband married to a wife who hits, you can leave, put up with it, or report it and hope that you might get a police officer and prosecutor who are in the miniscule minority of people who believe that a woman can be abusive.

Sorry for the vent. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">John, I had a automotible accident and had fractured two ribs, while in uniform and wearing my vest. I probably would have been injured much worse without the vest. Anyway, two weeks after and just into the mending phase for the bones, my wife, who is 5'2" and all of 110 lbs. is in the middle of a screaming fit and punches me in the chest with both fists, refracturing both ribs. I am 5'10" and 190 lbs. and very muscular. I go to the hospital where the x-rays confirm this and I spend the night. All documented except for the how.

As an officer, I have taken dozens of domestic violence reports and I also know first hand that the husband would be rediculed and not believed. I can only sympathize as I too, have been there.

I rationalized the behavior as having been caused by hormonal swings by my wife being pregnant with out first. Her moods did swing wildly, sometimes minute by minute. I could not envision bringing charges against the mother of our soon to be born child.

Just wanted to share the experience.
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