I have been here, some of you have listened while i have cryed. But now - when are you ever ready to remarry, ever?????? thinking about just living with the greatest man, because, he has cheated on others before, don't think i can survive if it happens to me again. You know different man, same song????

I was thinking the same today. i've been divorced for 3 yrs. been dating someone for 8 months, i don't think he would cheat on me like the last one, yet I am afraid to trust him, as he wants to get serious, marriage and all, I don't think I am ready and I think I am destroying the relationship by making demands, don't know where we will go, but I think my past did enough damage that I can't trust anything anymore. i don't want to make the same mistake again.

Thanks for posting, Somedays i feel like so confused, like i will never know where i really stand with anyone, because words mean so little anymore and i don't trust my own judgement. Im a smart person, yet i feel so damaged and stupid when it comes to relationships. It is so frightening to think that i will always be alone, because i am afraid of getting hurt. so scared

Everyone takes their own time to heal. Some people may never get over the hurt, others are right back on the wagon as soon as D is final.

I have met many people that swore they would never marry again but have.

Rest assured that not everyone is a lieing cheat!

Some of us are respectfull, faithfull humans.

WIWH

I'm just recently DV so in no way ready to date quite yet, but I do share your fears. I know SO many men who have no scruples (including the man I fell in love with and married).

However, I fight the additional fear that even if I did find Mr. Right, I'd screw it up because I wasn't a good wife. I'm not sure I know how to be. And I don't want to marry someone and then have it fizzle because I'm not able to do the right things to keep them happy either.

Seems like staying out of the relationship world is, while lonely, probably easier.

LL

Good thread... and great posts from all.

It is scary to think about gettting "M" again.

I think in many circumstances... trust is a huge issue.

Fool me once... but I don't want to ever be fooled again.

Who wants to take the chance of being fooled again, and in our own minds... can we truly ever trust someone once we have been betrayed by another.

These are the questions that I have been asking myself.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Thanks for posting to me. It looks like here i go. Its a no win situation for me. He is really starting to hint around. I think he showed me ring pictures last night, i still cant decide if it were a nightmare or real. But its coming, and you know what is worse. If i say back up and i want to wait it will hurt his feelings(like me he has been cheated on but he has also been the cheater) He really is a great guy. I love him very much i don't want to be next in line even though he says he has really changed do people really change?.

“””Its a no win situation for me.”””

Well if that’s how you feel about it, then you are right in more ways than you know.

“””i still cant decide if it were a nightmare or real.”””

If your comparing what should be a dream to a nightmare, then you’ve answered your own question and should drape a red flag around yourself. Now don’t take that wrong, but from your words you have serious reservations about him and yourself, so make sure you protect you.

“””If i say back up and i want to wait it will hurt his feelings”””

So your feelings don’t matter and it’s all about him, how long do you think that’s going to last? Plus what’s wrong with a long engagement? IMHO you need to stand up for what’s best for you.

“””do people really change?”””

Now there’s an interesting question. I honestly don’t know if we have that ability. I do know that my personality was morphed during my marriage and subsequent divorce. But in all actuality, once I was able to see clearly I came out being basically the same person I was before I was married, so did I change?

Thanks for the post, your right, i do have serious reservations. What i should have said is there doesn't seem to be an easy out. I was really hoping that we could continue as we have been for a little longer, If i say yes, which is what i really want, i am afraid i will screw it up, didn't do so hot last time, and if i say no because im scared then i really lose. We both have kids that are fantastic, can it work. i mean a step dad and step mom. So much to consider. Thanks for your imput
sara

(((Sara)))

Now you didn't bless us with any of your background, but I will say that if you do say 'yes', why can't there be a year long engagement or longer for that matter?

hey thanks, your so right, besides, bless him he is leaving for Iraq the first part of the year so I think he is worried that i won't be here when he comes back unless he rushes things you know...
anyway as for history, i don't know how to find it on here but it is here somewhere, under a different name. Long and short of it. Married 12 years. In 2001 found out H was cheating on me with various strippers and such, plan a until 2003 and plan b he moved out in Aug 03. Hasn't helped at all, divorced may 04. Hasn't really seen his kids, hooked up(living with) with a stipper, that is married to someone else. Currently she has moved out and he is taking care of her daughter. Two weeks ago had my kids for about 8 hours before calling me at three in the morning to come and get them his other girlfriend showed up and they were going out. UGH says he is going to have them this weekend, we will see. He is so messed up. I wish him peace and happiness with all of my heart. Just not with me or at my kids expense. Enough of the history, so sad yet it has made me better, kinder, more forgiving and I know I am truly blessed to be ok, and maybe someday well. if you know what i mean.

sara

I am just fine being 'alone', for the time being, almost one year after D.

But, if I meet someone I love and want to spend "the rest of my life" with... I would NOT be scared!

I'd tell him at the very beginning - if he cheats - that's it!
No plan A, no Plan B - directly to D!

What is not risky in our lifes nowadays??

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by scared2try67:
<strong> he is leaving for Iraq the first part of the year so I think he is worried that i won't be here when he comes back unless he rushes things you know...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm presuming he's in the military, therefore I must just say, do not marry him before your ready just for the benefits...........

Don't worry, I was in the military and have all the benefits that i need disability retired. thankfully. He is a reservist. And Im going to miss him. He has been my best friend for a long time (8 months) I think it will be really hard not having him to lean on. Oh by the way, I used to be notgoingtodothis. I went and looked at some of my post, i was crazy. I am so much better now. I am better off alone than i ever was with him THANK YOU GOD

I remarried about 18 months after my divorce from a serial cheater. We've been happily married for nearly 14 years now...and truthfully, I never had a trust issue with DH. Someone, once pointed out that the reason I didn't have trust issues is because my x acted in a fashion that was "true" to the kind of person he was. IOW, there was not a disconnect from who he was and the fact that he cheated on me.

Having said that, I think you are making a HUGE mistake in even considering marrying someone who has been unfaithful in a former relationship. I wouldn't even date a man who had cheated, let alone marry one.

This is going to be very risky. I'm playing devil's advocate here and am probably going to get nailed for my response to this comment:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Having said that, I think you are making a HUGE mistake in even considering marrying someone who has been unfaithful in a former relationship. I wouldn't even date a man who had cheated, let alone marry one.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is a big...no, HUGE fear of mine. I am posting as a BS, but a number of years ago was the WS--very, very brief P/A, longer E/A (although I didn't know about E/A's back then). I'm so afraid that no one will want me because once upon a time I made a huge mistake.

I think I know why I did it. I wasn't looking for a thrill. I was trying to survive in a really screwed up marriage, but it was the WRONG way to go about survival. I wanted my marriage to be better. I begged for us to get help. He didn't listen. Didn't feel we had issues. I screwed up big time when someone came along and showed me the attention I'd been craving from my husband.

I am SOOOOO sorry for what I did, but I can't take it back. However, I have no intention of ever letting it happen again. I've totally recommitted myself to the Lord since that time.

But what if no one is willing to give me a second chance because of something in my past. What if they think, "once a cheater, always a cheater". I wasn't a cheater going into the marriage. I never would have believed on my wedding day that I'd have cheated on him. I didn't cheat during 4 years dating.

I guess my long drawn out moral: Look at the circumstances in which the cheating occurred. Yes, it's WRONG!! But assess why it happened before you totally ditch someone if you really love them.

LL

I have to agree with LL!

After all, isn't MB all about Building an affair proof marriage <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

WIWH

My question to everyone regarding remarriage....

Would a new relationship you get into come out and tell you his/her life story right away?

How would you even know if the person you are going to marry ever cheated?

Would that person openly admit that he/she cheated?

I personally will not date a person who once cheated, marriage is built on trust and once a person is betrayed it is very hard to regain trust even if it is with a new relationship.

Hi all,
thought provoking conversation if you ask me. I don't know about the cheating thing. I would have cheated after i found out about my x cheating so many times but i was so afraid that i had something that i went and got tested for every possible thing you can imagine. I do believe that circumstances play a big roll but i do believe that we are responsible for our actions, regardless of our circumstances. I think that the relationship that i am in now could work but not unless i feel like i can really trust him. and right now i don't trust him. and my gut never has lied to me in the past, What do ya'll think?????????

“””Having said that, I think you are making a HUGE mistake in even considering marrying someone who has been unfaithful in a former relationship. I wouldn't even date a man who had cheated, let alone marry one.”””

And that’s obviously your call but ain’t there a verse that says something about “Whoever among you have not sinned, let you cast the first stone.” I don’t think the fruit of ones heart or character can be judged upon 1 mistake or a million mistakes. Shouldn’t the person be judged upon where the broken road has taken them and not the journey that it took to get there?

Given the choice of dating:

1. Someone who has truly experienced the devastation of cheating or being cheated on.

2. Someone who’s bubble has not been burst by the life changing experience of infidelity.

I do believe that I would pretty much pick #1. You do notice that I lumped the cheaters/cheated together because there are those, like LL, who know the guilt, shame, & helplessness that this thing causes. Plus if you want to judge pasts, no one would ever date me... So does that define who I am today? I’d hope not. Now the strength in character that I’ve gained from my life experience, now that defines who I am.

“””Would a new relationship you get into come out and tell you his/her life story right away?”””

I guess that depends on the definition of right away. It’s not exactly 1st date subject matter, now is it? However, as the relationship starts down the road of natural progression talks like that should occur, provided this relationship is based on a cornerstone of communication and honesty.

”””How would you even know if the person you are going to marry ever cheated?”””

If you can’t trust them to answer the question honestly, then it’s not a relationship worth having.

”””Would that person openly admit that he/she cheated?”””

I believe so, again, if it truly is a relationship worth pursuing to “happily ever after”. I’m a firm believer of laying all the cards on the table for if there are no secrets, how can they come back to haunt you? Radical and even brutal honesty have to be there. If I’ve showed someone the depths at which I lived my life and they see where that has brought me and they choose to love me, hey, that’s love without condition.

I bet there is one thing that we can all agree on. This is not where we would choose to be. But life happens and we will survive and by Gods grace be well, and whole in His time. (i think we would all choose right now!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

After baring the whole sordid story on my thread because I decided it was time for everyone to know who I was and who I am (and hopefully you'll understand they're NOT the same person), I do have a couple comments in response to some things LH said...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You do notice that I lumped the cheaters/cheated together because there are those, like LL, who know the guilt, shame, & helplessness that this thing causes. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is true--I've sat on both sides of this fence. The guilt and shame of being a WS is unbelievable if you are truly repentent, and certain things still trigger waves of it for me. I messed up big time (and I do believe 100% that it never would have happened had I not been in a very lonely verbally and occasionally physically abusive relationship with an alcoholic).

If I am ever fortunate enough to be in another relationship, you can be sure I take to it a LOT of lessons hard learned and will be a LOT more careful than the average person who has not experienced what I have. (However, there are cheaters who just don't care--and right now my XH falls into that category. It's everyone else's fault that he HAD to dump me for a younger woman and don't people care about what makes HIM happy? You don't want to date or marry that kind of cheater!!!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> )

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Plus if you want to judge pasts, no one would ever date me. Though I didn’t cheat, I had a long-term relationship with a bottle. So does that define who I am today? I’d hope not. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Having just ended a relationship spanning over 2 decades with an alcoholic, I feel VERY qualified to answer this! I'd be extremely apprehensive about a person and their use of alcohol going forward, and if someone shared with me that they had an alcohol problem, they'd better be ready to prove to me that they are not drinking AT ALL anymore and that they have a safety net in place (be it AA, friends at church who hold them accountable, etc). But....if I truly fell in love with someone and then found out they had alcohol issues in their past, it would not be a deal-breaker for me as long as it was IN THEIR PAST. I fully believe people CAN change despite what some may say. And I believe their faith has a lot to do with it. What I wouldn't do is date or marry someone who wasn't a Christian.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> However, as the relationship starts down the road of natural progression talks like that should occur, provided this relationship is based on a cornerstone of communication and honesty.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Although I'm not even ready to date at this point, I know that although my past will likely be a deal-breaker for anyone I meet, I would be honest with a prospective partner. I only kept part of my story from my XH because, having also been a BS, I know the pain infidelity causes and I didn't want to break his heart again, and I knew I was a different person and wouldn't let it ever happen again. I didn't keep it a secret for fear of punishment. I deserved the punishment. I didn't think he deserved the heartbreak, but I always felt this extra layer of guilt because he didn't know the whole truth about me (though I suspect there is a LOT I don't know about him and it is now irrelevant.)

LL

“””I do believe 100% that it never would have happened”””

But the reality is that I made a choice, no excuses.

“””I'd be extremely apprehensive about a person and their use of alcohol going forward, and if someone shared with me that they had an alcohol problem”””

Just like every cheating woman isn’t my x-wife, every alcoholic or drug addict is not your x-husband. I, obviously, can’t speak to his recovery, if he is choosing to do so.
“””they'd better be ready to prove to me that they are not drinking AT ALL anymore and that they have a safety net in place”””

So how can someone prove” to you that I’ll never drink again and for that matter how can “you prove” to me you’ll never cheat again? The only proof is in the pudding.

“””I fully believe people CAN change despite what some may say.”””

I’m banking on that, either that or I die.

“””my past will likely be a deal-breaker for anyone I meet”””

Really? I don’t see that. If my past is a deal-breaker for someone, then they obviously they aren’t worthy of my love. I can’t predict what tomorrow will hold, I can’t live my life for yesterday, all I have is today and the memory of the miracle that it took me to get to this exact spot. So when someone looks at me and see’s who I am today, with the knowledge of the journey I’ve been on, and likes where my path is heading then that’s my girl.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by scared2try67:
<strong>right now i don't trust him.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well Ms. Scared, I do believe our question has been answered.....

Your right, and man does that hurt

LH,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Sorry LL, I guess I’m feeling a bit defensive on this one. So how can “I prove” to you that I’ll never drink again and for that matter how can “you prove” to me you’ll never cheat again? The only proof is in the pudding.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">(foot inserted in mouth...) I didn't mean for it to come out that way and I'm really sorry I made you defensive. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I'm not expecting anyone to jump through hoops for me. The safety net in my XH's case would have been to admit to someone, ANYONE, that he had a problem and to have someone or something to help keep him accountable when he was feeling weak. As it was, he first didn't admit that he had a problem, and then after DWI's and accidents and any number of other issues he did admit that he had the problem, but he maintained that HE could control it without any outside help. His best shot at it was for 2 years right before the affair that destoyed the marriage. He was staying dry (although he threatened daily that if the kids or I didn't do this or that, he'd start drinking again), but he had no one to keep him on track when he was weak, and when he met OW and the guilt got the best of him, he went back to the bottle and hit it heavier than ever, along with an increase in his meth use which was something he knew I hated but he refused to give up.

So, if I met someone who had an alcohol problem in their background, because of MY rather painful history with an alcoholic, I guess I'd want to know that they are willing to admit it, they are willing to try their best to never drink again (no little "samples" of alcohol like XH always wanted), and that they have friends, relatives, AA, or something as a backup plan if they're feeling weak. I don't want someone that is going to be so proud that they don't need anyone else to help them.

I truly don't ever intend to cheat again (but I guess no one, even someone who never has) can absolutely promise. So instead, I will do my best to ask myself if God would want me to do something BEFORE I do it, not put myself in compromising situations (no close friendships with men where I discuss my life or my problems, making sure I'm always in a public place with men I have to travel with on occasion (even though I am very professional and make a point to avoid compromising situations of any kind on the job), and trying to maintain close enough relationships with my sister and a few closer female friends that hopefully if I did start to cross over to stupidity, that one of them would be brave enough to pull me back.

Scared,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think that the relationship that i am in now could work but not unless i feel like i can really trust him. and right now i don't trust him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree with LH on your question being answered by the above comment. I've found that often my "gut" is a fairly accurate measure, and even if it's off, if there isn't trust, it will be hard to build any kind of a relationship. Given that he's going overseas, if I were in your situation, prior cheating or not, with the lack of trust it would be a LOT easier to not to commit to anything serious until he returns. Otherwise you may drive yourself nuts with worry during all those days you don't hear from him.

LL

<small>[ December 01, 2004, 01:55 PM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

I've been remarried almost 3 years now. My first H cheated on me and left to live with his OW/new wife.

I met my new H 3 years ago. He told me that he cheated on his first wife early in their marriage. He decided that he didn't want to be like that and they worked that out. 8 years later, she cheated on him with the neighbor and got pregnant. They divorced. I married him 4 months after I met him (I had been divorced for over 2 years).

I knew all of this shortly after I met him. He was very honest about it and I respect that. And ya know, I still trust/trusted him. Our entire marriage is great and I don't worry about him cheating at all. We both know that if we ever feel the need to cheat, something needs to be done (counseling)Neither of us wants to go thru another divorce again. We want to be married to each other for the rest of our lives!

Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Having said that, I think you are making a HUGE mistake in even considering marrying someone who has been unfaithful in a former relationship. I wouldn't even date a man who had cheated, let alone marry one.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, everybody makes mistakes...and yes, forgiveness is a virtue. However, history has a nasty way repeating itself. I had more than enough reasons to "justify" an affair myself. I didn't follow that path...and I don't want to be involved (or married) to someone else who was able to "justify" THAT particular behavior.

*IF* I had been unfaithful, then being with someone who also "coped" in that fashion, would be one thing. I just am not willing to "knowingly" introduce that particular element into my life.

Many of you have probably heard the story of the snake that was so cold. The snake begged the young woman to pick him up and hold him close to her under her coat. She said, "I'm not going to pick you up...you'll only bite me and I'll die." The snake assured her that he would not bite her. She picked him up; held him close to her. He bit her. As she was dying, she said, "but you promised you wouldn't bite me." His response was, "you knew what I was when you picked me up."

I have close friends who have been unfaithful. I doubt they would make the same choices again. But, I wouldn't bet my life on it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and I don't want to be involved (or married) to someone else who was able to "justify" THAT particular behavior.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I was unfaithful, but I have never tried nor will ever try to "justify" that it was acceptable. It wasn't.

Would you be willing to stake your life on the assumption that a person who has never cheated never, ever would? (I didn't think I would either. Trust me...I am a person who is very angered by cheating, never think it's justified, and never would have dreamed I'd have done it.)

LL

Since I am in the same boat as some others here - I'm a FWW who MOM. I don't hide the fact that I met my WH while I was M. I'm not proud of that - what I am proud of is that I felt remorse for what I did - I wanted only the best for him - we D on very good terms (though he was not aware of OM). I learnt that I would never do this to my spouse/self/family again - my parents were devistated..While I was happily in the fog..

Now I am the BS - I too could say that I have every justification to cheat - would I - NO - Absolutely, Positively, NO..I now know the pain firsthand.

Would I ever remarry - probably not..Do I even want to think about being single again - NO..Just thinking that I may have to go thru this pain again is enough to say - Let's be friends...Do I hope that someday my WH should we D met his match at the game - You bet I do...He deserves to know this pain and suffer like I have. He hasn't a clue nor a care...

Remarried a year after my divorce, been with my wife 2-1/2yrs and happily married for 1-1/2yrs. All is going better than expected. My EX and my wife talk often because of my kids......they meet, exchange clothes and so forth, my wife also picks my kids up from school when necessary. My kids love my wife and I love my stepson. I have been totally blessed to find a woman that is perfect for me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Yep. Your question was answered. You don't trust him. My concern is that he is wanting marriage/engagement b/c of his deployment to Iraq. He may be feeling worried you'll have second thoughts (which you're having) while he is away. Or that he wants to solidify things b/c he is afraid you could cheat...

I like what LH said about having a year long engagement. You can always give a ring back. But getting another divorce is harder. If you love him, tell him you need some reassurances. Maybe see a counselor together. Talk alot. Be open and honest. This could be the best thing ever or it could be a disappointment.

I just want you to think thru things wisely.

As for me, I'd remarry again. I honestly believe that there is not another guy on this earth as bad as my xh was to me. In fact, my former counselor said that she was confident I would probably go thru my life fortunately never being around anybody that yucky ever again. I am also a different person now...much more like the woman I was before I met my xh. stronger, smarter, wiser. Don't let the fear of your former marriage keep you from any happiness the future can bring. Whenever I have those silly second thoughts or worries that this could happen to me again, I step back and think about the facts involved...did he ever cheat? Is he pretty honest? If he did cheat, how did he handle things and did he learn his lesson?

What my friends told me once over dinner in october when I was going back and forth over issues with myself and my xbf, is that when I do the "what if's", then my xh still rules my life. And that's wrong. He doesn't. Don't let yours. My life is what I make of it. And I can make good or bad choices. Don't make a decision based on somebody else or what somebody else may do. YOU make the decision based on sound facts and sound issues. You are in the drivers seat of your life now.