Is it appropriate to date, search singles sites while separated?

Is it appropriate to date, search singles sites while separated? I moved out of the house over a month ago, got my own apartment, there is a very little hope of reconciling after a lot went on in my marriage. I feel so lonely, I'm 36 with a 9 month old, guess I thought it would be nice to email a few local guys so I did on the yahoo singles site. Now I have major guilt. I called my husband today, he cryed, he misses his boy, wants us to work it out. But there has been a lot of hard times in our marriage. I'm not sure if I'm through or not, so is it bad to email guys and maybe date while separated? Or not?

Read the part on the web site about affairs. I left my wife in November, and found somebody that I can see a future with. But I can't disconnect from my marriage. Don't fall into the same emotionaly yo-yo I am in right now.

What I ended up in was a triangle between two people that want me rather than trying to cope with what I needed to do.

Seek help, see what you want to do first. It is a tough choice to make, why complicate it. You first need to learn what you really want.

Either choice I make now a person is going to be hurt. You need to try and keep a clear head about it all.

Don't shop until you are ready to buy. You will be dealing with feelings like... if this doesn't work out there is always choice "b"... You need to work on first things first.. then go from there.

That is my .02 but I am going through it right now..

I would have to say that if it made you feel guilty, then it is not something that you're ready for

horsey,

I put my profile on a singles site last December, before I found MB, and with NO intention of even seeing a guy. I wanted a penpal or two to help me through what I was going through. I was very clear on the sight that I was NOT divorced and that I was actually still wanting to save my marriage.

Even so, #1--creeps responded, and #2--I felt very guilty, like I was trying to have an affair myself.

I knew it wasn't right. At first I just read the emails and ignored them. The after a while, I deleted my profile. I felt SO much better doing that.

Seeing, dating, getting involved with another man while still married, even if separated, in my opinion is not right. It may provide comfort for the short term (just like the affair partner does for the WS), but it is wrong and only leads to confusion and complications in the long run.

Spare yourself any more problems than you are already dealing with. Focus on yourself, your baby, and what you're going to do or not do for your marriage. Get that resolved first.

I totally understand how lonely you are. I've been alone for a year now. But either work toward saving the marriage, or get out of the one before you open yourself up to a new relationship.

LL

I think it matters as to HOW DONE YOUR ARE WITH YOUR CURRENT MARRIAGE...

So many are fencesitting and just bored, looking for a hand to hold. Then there are some of us that the 2X4 finally hit and there is no going back to the M..we know we are DONE..

I'm DONE - yes, I'd probably feel odd - maybe not truly "guilty" just odd - being out there looking again. That I wasn't truly healed yet and looking of someone to help me heal - when I need to that that myself..

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by horsey:
 Is it appropriate to date, search singles sites while separated? I moved out of the house over a month ago, got my own apartment, there is a very little hope of reconciling after a lot went on in my marriage. I feel so lonely, I'm 36 with a 9 month old, guess I thought it would be nice to email a few local guys so I did on the yahoo singles site. Now I have major guilt. I called my husband today, he cryed, he misses his boy, wants us to work it out. But there has been a lot of hard times in our marriage. I'm not sure if I'm through or not, so is it bad to email guys and maybe date while separated? Or not? <hr /></blockquote>Horsey ~ Do you want God's ultimate blessing on you & divine guidance right now as you deal with this MAJOR LIFE TRAUMA? If so, why would you disobey Him & then face the loss of His guidance & blessing?

You're married until you're divorced! It's pretty plain & simple.

How can you fall out of love and genuinely IN LOVE with the "Right Man" at this point in time? It's impossible. So all you're doing is setting yourself up for further consequences of hurt & emotional pain.

In a word: Don't do it.

Stay on the High Road Horsey! You'll never be sorry for doing that. You can face your Lord and your child one day & be proud of how you handled this.

The sweetest revenge is a life well-lived in obedience to God! Don't settle for a counterfeit that gives a momentary high followed by incredible painful LOWS!

All of this I say out of caring for you,
High Flight

Are you emotionally healthy yet?

Have you recovered from the marriage?

Have you figured out why you are currently in the situation you are in, and do you know how to avoid it or successfully deal with it in the future?

How much will you tell the other person that you are still married?

If you don't won't that be dishonest and misleading?

If you were single, would you want to date a man who was separated from his wife? and will have trouble committing because he is married?

Me thinks you are socially very immature, and need to take time to learn the social and interpersonal skills that you haven't learned yet before doing any kind of anything except figuring out what youare going to do with your present situation. ..

wiftty

Interesting - my inclination is the opposite: to have nothing to do with a relationship.

I too have been on my own for a month now - I recall both of us talking here on this list about getting ready to move at about the same time. I think when you are the one to move, things seem new and we think we've moved on, when in fact all we've done is moved out. That may not equate to being ready for the next steps.

Only you know for sure. Take care.

Wow...so much time has passed...a whole month!

I have done the internet thing and can say if anybody separated emails me I do one thing...DELETE IT.

You're either married or having an affair or single. Or divorced. And you're still dealing with emotional leftovers of your marriage and you are a bit conflicted.

Geez. That would sound great over dinner. You are at a candlelit table and the guy across from you asks what you did today..."well, I called my divorce attorney and he requested me to put more pressure on my husband so that he will get the financial disclosures in asap, and I am just drained from the crud. Work is ok though." Wow. What interesting dialogue.

I didn't date until it was final. I was soooo happy to have done that. My son knew I got divorced and he also knew his dad lived with the OW before marriage too.

I think it's a bit co dependant of you.

Instead of learning about mistakes, working on YOU (which is most important now), you want to go out and meet somebody.

Healing and working on you and becoming as independent as possible should be first thing on your agenda...oh yea, and deciding if you are to be either married or single.

Plus, if you date, your stbxh could use it against you if you are filing in a fault state against him under grounds of adultery. It doesn't matter. If you are doing the same thing, but he did it first, you're still wrong. could affect settlement.

Use your brain. Your hormones will always find a way to kick in at a more appropriate time ok?

Take it from me. I am whole now and dating alot. Ready to move ahead and ready now for a relationship.

it takes time. Rome wasn't built in a day.

I would say absolutely not. Technically you are still married, and dating would be cheating on your spouse.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Grand Rapids, MI:
 I would say absolutely not. Technically you are still married, and dating would be cheating on your spouse. <hr /></blockquote>For a minute GR I wondered if you were secretly my husband posting on here to look for ammo to use against me. (I live in GR and am going through a divorce.)

But since my husband is a cheating scumbag I guess this reply would show it wasn't him.

(Unless of course you're posting the exact opposite of what you really think to throw people off. Hmmmmm.)

And maybe I'm just paranoid and need to get a grip Hmmm? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

For me, even though I've been asked out several times, I won't date even casually as long as I am married.

( I still love the jerk and give him that respect. Too bad he couldn't do that for me.)

(Not to mention I'll only date a true Godly man next time around.)

So as long as there is hope in restarting your marriage over again - this time wiser and willing to do it differently to make it better - I would say wait.

Single guys will still be around later on when you are more sure of how things are going to be.

I'm one of those "old-timers" who lurk every now and then and post rarely, but I just have to say what in the heck are you thinking???

I'm also one of those "if you're not divorced, you're still married" guys. Until the ink dries on the divorce papers, you'd be breaking your vows, period.

I am also (in the interest of full disclosure) a person who dated briefly while separated. I was not only still technically married, I was in no way emotionally ready for it, and it was neither appropriate nor wise.

After realizing that I needed to get my own house in order before I tried to move in anyone new, I waited for a year after the divorce was final before I even thought about dating. Then I waited months before I could find one!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I don't know how long you've been married, but you'll need to take some "time off" in the relationship department to find yourself again. You have to learn how to cope with life on your own first, or you'll make a poor, needy partner for the next guy.

Plus you already have a relationship that should be taking up your time. That baby is way more important than a social life at this point.

Ok, ok, ok, ok... I knew it was wrong. A few guys emailed me back, of course they were both separated, one was agnostic bragging about what a great guy he was. The other, all he wanted to know was "could you mail me a photo..." shows how shallow he was. Really who would date me right now, losers? I'll admit in my young, naive years I dated a guy going through a horrible two year divorce. Only a handful of dates, then I told him to finish the divorce as I didn't want to be the ear listening to the mess, and it was, went on almost 2 years. He wound up moving in with someone else before the divorce was final, of course he couldn't be alone. I don't want to be like that. Today I called an attorney, it looks like I'm going to proceed with a divorce, there's been so much abuse in my marriage, three years in a four year marriage. Likely it's over, and for my child's sake I need to move on, he can't be around this, nor my husband's shallow values. I'll delete the emails and membership on the singles site...

horsey, don't feel bad. You could have asked what I did. Can you say, " Hello 2x4's!"? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

BMBO

Oh, and don't beat yourself up over this!

Look on the bright side...you considered dating, and put yourself out there on the singles sites, and then a few old, bitter divorced/divorcing people talked you out of it.

You learned something. That is a good thing. You didn't get hurt in the process. That is also a good thing.

If you were in an abusive marriage, you have some bigger hurdles to jump as well, but don't worry. There are people here that can help with that, too.

Sorry CJack...don't consider myself a bitter divorced person...I am actively dating too!

It is just that when going thru a divorce, you are going thru huge changes. You need that time to get to know yourself again, search yourself and look at past relationship to see what you can do differently next time, etc. And yes, there are alot of codependent people out there jumping outta frying pans right into fires without working on themselves or healing. Wrong to do!

I think the worst thing you could do immediatly after separation is date. Why? 1)You could fall for somebody immediatly. Your LB is at zero. You have been dealt a huge blow by x's actions. You are primed and ready for any line to be tossed at you basically. Who needs to be crushed again? 2)You're not completely over your feelings for the x (as the poster here is) and meet somebody nice. He isn't shooting lines and is honestly interested. I know that I myself, tossed aside two very good people because I was not ready for a relationship and they were. I was not ready and it hurt them. You need to think about the feelings of people you might date. If you're not over the x, you're not ready to move on. Period. 3)You begin to date while separated and get friendly with somebody...but still have lingering feelings about the x. Maybe x wants to reconcile and is honestly wanting to change the dynamics of old marriage. You're now doing what the x was doing and could further complicate things. 4)Worst case scenario: X finds out you're dating online. He prints off your online dating profile and presents it to the court during trials (i know...my laywers did this to my xh...showed them his online dating profile). You are trying to prove your x was cheating and here you go now, albeit separated but STILL MARRIED out there trying to meet people...could seriously affect your case.

That's why I don't think it's smart. You gotta look at the whole picture.

And the world "whole" is most important. Unless you're able to be whole and good to yourself, why try to bring hurt or pain to anybody else in dating or relationships? I see that as selfish.

Each person's healing time is different. I waited until after papers were signed plus I was separated for a good while. Started dating immediately. And I feel good about it. I ended my marriage being faithful. I finished the race. Have my dignity and my honor still. I think in the end, it's how you end something that says something about character. You CANNOT BEGIN something like a relationship, without first ENDING your present one both personally and legally.

I think even that may be possibly why God decided to put the "adultery" thing in the 10 commandments...ideas for wise living basically.

I just wish there was a way to fix this pain.

It's true I'm not over my husband. It's true that he'll want to reconcile, does it mean he'll really change though, I've been through that before. But we have a child together and owe it to the baby to think this through before a divorce.

If I do divorce, yes I'd like to do it honerably too. Without cheating, which I've never done. Our first year of marriage he flirted, called another woman, I never did. I have at least my pride in that. And on paper I am still married. In my heart I'm still married and I'm not sure how to get on with my life.

I do need time to myself to figure this out. I already learned from the yahoo site that there are many separated people looking to jump into a relationship without thinking, to numb themselves from the pain. I'm one to learn from my past, figure out what i can do differently and then try to get it right. Next time I want it right. I have so many regrets about what i did wrong in this marriage, it's like a video playing in my mind - if only I'd done this or that, if I hadn't been so independent, if my marriage only came before my business, if I wasn't so moody, if I didn't yell and scream, on and on and on. But no matter what, it didn't justify his verbally and physcially hurting me.

Just wish I knew what to do and could get on with my life. That i could skip all the hurt and pain, as this really hurts.

Horsey,
You are SO right!
<blockquote>quote:<hr /> it didn't justify his verbally and physcially hurting me <hr /></blockquote>There is nothing, EVER that justifies his verbal and physical abuse of you.

So if for no other reason, stay away for that BEAUTIFUL BABY BOY of yours.

I can understand that you still love your H and question if you are doing the right thing. So if you are uncertain if D is right for you (at this time), then PLEASE consider other options....a legal separation might be a solution....at least for now. But do NOT go back to him. His crying, begging and broken promises are simply the ploys of a controlling, abusive manipulator.

Horsey,

Just Peachy has given you perhaps the most succinct, yet profoundly complete listing of why NOT to date too soon as I've ever read here on MB.

WELL SAID GA PEACH!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I'm most encouraged to hear your honesty in the last post you put here. You recognize you're still married, still attached. It isn't RIGHT to be off medicating yourself through another illicit relationship.

Here's the other part of the deal. If you want to set yourself BACK...that's right you read BACK! Then go on out and get involved with another. It ultimately will NOT help you one bit. It will set you back financially, emotionally, spiritually, and you will prolong the road to recovery.

Put another way: Having too early of a dating relationship guarantees a significant DETOUR in the road to recovery / reconcilliation / whatever path you ultimately choose.

High Flight

It is honorable that you want to reconcile...however, I did not get into the part about domestic violence. My computer is still messing up ok? My xh was very verbally and in the end quite physically abusive to me. It was as if I was almost brainwashed...yea, I said BRAINWASHED by him. You do owe4 it to yourelf right now to get counselling. You need that to get over the whole what if's and also to recognize that living or wanting to return to an un healed perpetrator of domestic violence is not the solution. My xh used to blame me for everything. He would knock me down and then say "why did you make me do that?" I know now it is wrong. My child will never see his mother hit by his father. Now I am sure, since he is not recovered nor done any healing or getting any help, that it may continuye with his present affair marriage partner. I hope not. But it is most likely. And if I find out, I will wisk my son outta there asap. Plus, I think she'd get out faster than I did because of her past history with men.

As for you, you need to realize you are possibly codependent and also a victim of spousal abuse.

That does NOT make for a healthy person to enter the dating world.

It would be very tragic. You need to get some hel-p, and to understand your stbxh is sick right now. He can't be healed unless he gets the help himself. You cannot do that or him. And no matter how much positive changing you do separately in your own life, no matter how much MB materials you learn, an abuser will NOT change unless he or she wants to change. You're frozen in saving your marrige unless he chooses another direction. And wanting to keep your kids around a person like that is wqrong and harmful for them.

You're just suffering from his years of abuse most likely...and you've learned to accept his actions and you've become codependent in trying to save him from himself. I did that. I know that. I walked that path for about three years ok?

I am out, healthy, and a great mom no...you can do it. Right now focus on you. He is outta the picture. Again, think and try to not feel your way through. A good psychologist can help you begin to find the path. Also, you might consider a support group for domestic voilence and maybe co dependents. And yes, it sounds like you could use some good help from your doc and get on an antidepressant. It helps clear the head when you're embattled i a stressful situation like a divorce and recovery from abuse.

I used them temporarily during the trials and the nasty stuff. It diod help me finally achieve clear thinking...and during that time, I also went to a great therapist and I worked on me because she made it clear that I could not change the x. He had to want to and to this day, he has not changed in any way at all...the same man/monster I divorced.

You notice, too, that wanting to date seems to be a natural reaction. I think it's a milder form of the whole "revenge affair" thing. You rationalize that you aren't out looking to have an affair, just trying to move on with your life, but the real motivation behind it is wanting to feel attractive to someone else again, and show your WS that they were wrong.

Let's face it - having a WS leave for someone else is a big ego blow, and the ego cries out for you to show that you've still "got it."

I admit to looking around before the D was final. I didn't actually date before, but I did post on some of the personals boards before. I waited until we had submitted the paperwork and were just waiting for the courts to do something with it (at least I thought so - turns out that after I signed the papers, my ex was clueless and didn't set a court date!) I rationalized that it WOULD be final within a month or two, and I would just talk to anyone that responded and start to get to know them, but I wouldn't go out with them until after the D.

And like most everyone else here says after the fact.... it was too soon. It was a BIG issue with one of the guys I was talking with (though in a way it was fortunate - gave me some insight into him that made me smack my forehead and realize I was way too vulnerable, that I would likely end up in a relationship with someone that wasn't very healthy for me if I kept trying before I healed some more.) And the ones who didn't care that the D wasn't final yet - I found doubt creeping into my mind about them too. Double standard, I know, but I realized I started wondering just how seriously they took marriage and commitment if it didn't bother them that I was still married to someone else, even if I would be divorced 'any day now.' Especially since everyone knows that's exactly what most cheaters say too!

I eventually realized - sure, some people might really believe me and take me at my word about the D being almost final, might be really sincere and all... but that in looking before I was single again, I was just asking to get involved with someone who was more likely to cheat.

And the point got really pounded into my head shortly after my D was final. One guy contacted me that was 'separated.' We e-mailed a little, and he said his story was very similar to mine. Never actually said the divorce was underway, but said that he was separated and implied the divorce was a given.

Then I started noticing a few discrepencies.... he had ads on a couple of boards, and most said he had no kids, but one said he had kids that didn't live with him. When I started questioning him, I found out he claimed to have been separated for about 2 months. ???? At two months, my X and I were still going to counseling. I asked about the kids, and he just ignored the question. We finally did talk on the phone a little, but he only gave me a cell phone number. I tried calling him, but never got ahold of him. He called me 3 or 4 times, and every time he did, it was very obvious he was in a car. One of the times, the conversation ended very abruptly - enough so that I thought we got cut off, but when I tried to call back, he didn't answer.

We finally made arrangements to meet, but after we did, there was a little voice in my head that kept saying "don't all these strange little things you've noticed remind you a lot of what you found out about WS actions during the affair?" Yeah, it took long enough, but the light went on. I sent him an e-mail, and told him that I had some concerns, and that I needed him to answer a few questions before I would meet him, primarily about whether or not he had kids, where he was living since he was separated (i.e. an apartment, with a friend, etc., not necessarily an address,) and a few details about the situation with he and his W. I had asked him some of these things before, and he kept putting me off, saying he'd rather talk in person. When I told him I wouldn't meet until I had a few of these answers, he just never answered back.

At that point, I decided that even if it did seem hypocritical, since I had put ads up while I was separated, I would not date anyone who was separated. Again, the light finally went on. For every one guy you meet who is sincere when he tells you that is the situation, chances are there are 10 for whom it is just the line they use while running around on the W.

So, aside from needing more time to heal yourself first - which is very true too - realize how much you are putting yourself in danger of getting involved with the whole cheating scene. We might rationalize it as "well, I AM getting divorced, and the divorce is almost final." But there are plenty of people who go even further and say "well, you were married too, so I figured it was all right that I was."

I know I'm not stating it well, but I guess I'm trying to say you lose that moral high ground, and I think it just gets harder to expect honesty from others, since many of them out there won't see their lying to you as any different than you going out with them before you are divorced.

Horsey-
You and I are on the same wavelength!
I found out my H has a new email address, and my first thought was "Why? WHat's he have going on?"
Doh! It didn't occurrto me that he might just want HIS OWN account-- one in which I don't know the password to.
So, I was thinking maybe he put out an ad. I do'nt know why I thought that. It's not his style-- more mine, to be honest.
I went to the personal sites and put in his zip code, and didn't find anything, but I did see some eligible men and the thought hit me "hey, I'd like to meet that guy... for when I'm single again (of course!)"
BUt I don't have it in me.
I"m more in the opposite direction. I need to take some time to work on me, figure my stuff out. O joy.
Why was I attracted to my H in the first place? He wasn't exactly respectful. When we first met, I was dating a man who really admired me.
And I blew him off because I realized I was attracted to my H. SAd, but true.
If I meet a guy like that again, when I'm ready, I'll step up to the plate and date him.
BUt for now, I'm looking at dealing with the mess from being abused, and from being brainwashed into HIS way of thinking (I became abusive back).
I moved to a new town where I know no one. Oddly, I haven't even tied to make any friends. I feel like I've got nothng to offer a friend, then why would I think I have something to offer a new man?
Hmmm.
Glad you canceled the ad. I didn't really even come close, but I did think about starting one.
I need to get divroced first.
Are you still wearing your rings?
Lucy

I emailed two men from the singles site, said I'm going through a divorce and now isn't the time, that I'm taking myself off the site, that I did it on a whim one night. YOU GUYS WERE RIGHT, who would even continue to email someone who's married, just left their husband, is in a crisis? One guy said he's going through a divorce and is fighting for custody of his daughter - that the daughter cries every night for her mother. REALLY, ya gonna admit that to a woman from a singles site who's about to go through a messy divorce herself. I emailed him back, said hey, I need to have space and not be emailing single guys, I need to figure out what's going on in my life, what my part in this was and not jump from one frying pan into the next... REALLY, that's what half those on singles sites are doing, they aren't really single either! Guy number 2 I emailed, sorry I"m going through a divorce, shouldn't have posted on the internet, I"m going to discontinue. He emailed me back, sorry, if I was thinking of going back to my husband he'd stay out of it anyways but I could email him "as a friend." Right. He said his divorce was easy. I emailed back that we had a horrible fight and it's not going to be an easy divorce, that I have a baby too. That otta scare him off anyways. TRUE, normal men ought to run like hell hearing abused woman, going through divorce, 9 month old baby, dad dying of cancer... NORMAL MEN. Are there any normal men out there? Right now isn't the time to know, but I called my bank tonight, a woman divorced at 30 with THREE KIDS, not ONE BABY, and she met a very nice husband who was at home with her baby, so she could work. She said she never thought she'd meet someone again and she did, he's great, her ex was awful. I left with a baby, left the big house and dreams, I can't think right now anyone would want me. But she said it'll happen one day, when I'm not looking, a very nice man... BUT it's not going to be now, from some crappy singles site, with sleazy men responding to me... of course they dont' care what I'm going through if they are selfish pigs!

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by horsey:
 I emailed two men from the singles site, said I'm going through a divorce and now isn't the time, that I'm taking myself off the site, that I did it on a whim one night. YOU GUYS WERE RIGHT, who would even continue to email someone who's married, just left their husband, is in a crisis? One guy said he's going through a divorce and is fighting for custody of his daughter - that the daughter cries every night for her mother. REALLY, ya gonna admit that to a woman from a singles site who's about to go through a messy divorce herself. I emailed him back, said hey, I need to have space and not be emailing single guys, I need to figure out what's going on in my life, what my part in this was and not jump from one frying pan into the next... REALLY, that's what half those on singles sites are doing, they aren't really single either! Guy number 2 I emailed, sorry I"m going through a divorce, shouldn't have posted on the internet, I"m going to discontinue. He emailed me back, sorry, if I was thinking of going back to my husband he'd stay out of it anyways but I could email him "as a friend." Right. He said his divorce was easy. I emailed back that we had a horrible fight and it's not going to be an easy divorce, that I have a baby too. That otta scare him off anyways. TRUE, normal men ought to run like hell hearing abused woman, going through divorce, 9 month old baby, dad dying of cancer... NORMAL MEN. Are there any normal men out there? Right now isn't the time to know, but I called my bank tonight, a woman divorced at 30 with THREE KIDS, not ONE BABY, and she met a very nice husband who was at home with her baby, so she could work. She said she never thought she'd meet someone again and she did, he's great, her ex was awful. I left with a baby, left the big house and dreams, I can't think right now anyone would want me. But she said it'll happen one day, when I'm not looking, a very nice man... BUT it's not going to be now, from some crappy singles site, with sleazy men responding to me... of course they dont' care what I'm going through if they are selfish pigs! <hr /></blockquote>Now you're gettin somewhere Horsey! You "broke the code". Good job!!! God will provide for you. If it's another man - it will be at exactly the RIGHT TIME. In the right way. And he'll be right for you. Believe it by faith! Just focus on doing what's right. Focus on that baby boy. Focus on getting well yourself. The rest, leave up to God. He's the great provider for those who put their trust in Him.

High Flight