My H had an A 13 years ago. We recovered from it and things are good. We have NC with OW and OC per my H decision, he chose not to have contact. We have come along way in our recovery. Last night we had our first conversation about the OW & OC without either one getting tense about it. He has always felt ashamed of his actions with OW once he came out of the fog. So much so that, he wouldn't talk about the A or OC.
He has allways paid child support, put her on insurance, and helped pay for medical bills during pregnancy. We received a bill for the dentist and were surprised to learn they had moved across the country. He called up CPS in the state she originally lived in. He said there is one lady there he has built a contact with over the years. She doesn't treat him rudely, like he is a horrible person. This lady tracked down the OW and OC and passed on the new information, including the fact that OW may have gotten married.
This was a pleasant surprise. He received a letter from her 5 years ago full of "I miss your so, You will be the love of my life forever, etc."
We have come a long way. As he told me, we are going to grow old together and I am the love of his life.
Just an update.

Take care,
Texasgirl

That's wonderful that the xow moved on!! I hope her H makes a great stepdad and that they are all peachy-keen. Seriously, the happier they are in their new lives, the less they'll be jealous of or bug you guys.

That's the attitude I have about our xow--may the good times roll!! (separately! ;-) )

Nice to hear from you,
J

Good to hear and I did not know they could give you that info about the ow and oc.

Did the nice lady do it in confidence or did she bring it to the OW attention that your H was inquiring about her wherabouts?

Honestly I don't know. But it wouldn't matter, just like he is supposed to let her and CPS know where he is, she is supposed to let CPS and him know where the child is.
Even though we don't have contact, he still has a right to know her whereabouts. We do have a legal document registered with the courts giving him visitation, he has just not exercised. He could at anytime he chose contact the OW, giving her 2 weeks or 30 days notice that he wants to have his dau and she is supposed to comply.
However he chooses not to. He said last night he wouldn't now, esp since she is adapting to a new step-father.
He feels it wouldn't do her any good.
The other thing I left out was, our children do not know of their half-sister. I don't know when they will learn of her or meet her. She is the same age as our younest son.
Definitely a tangled web.

Texasgirl.

If there will be no contact WHY worry the kids and confuse them?

If anything I would wait till late teens or adulthood if the likelyhood of any contact is nil.

I think children should have thier secure happy lives left alone if at all possible. I wish my children could have never known. They are all confused and traumatized. I honestly did not think that it would affect them that much but my son has panic attacks, or should I say had panic attacks when he could not get ahold of his father for what ever reason and if any thing happened around the house(noise, neighborhood disturbances, cars screeching) he thought it was xow coming to kill him.

Now your OW does not seem in ur post as mine is in real life threatening and constantly trying to disturb my household, so telling your children may not be as bad.