HOW is she doing this?
Do you have any idea WHY?
I think a therapist is in order here.
xoxox
kt
I agree. This is very serious.
She has always tried to make herself vomit on foods at our home that she didn't want to eat (ie: broccoli, carrots, chicken, rice, or anything different than McDonalds, spaghetti in a can, or hot dogs and mac/cheese). She would usually do this by not chewing it and trying to swallow, thereby making herself gag on it. She would gag on one tiny grain of rice, but can shovel three chicken nuggets from McDonalds into her mouth and eat them just fine. Her mother (OW) is a very picky eater and will only eat about five food items and she encourages OC to throw up anything that isn't "sitting well". So, now OC is able to vomit just by thinking about vomiting. And has started to do it at our house after eating something undesirable rather than telling us before eating it that she doesn't want to eat it. I think this is because OC knows that the rule in our house it "you must try everything on your plate - at least one bite". But I can't be sure, my H thinks she did it so that she could go home to OW, possibly thinking that the behavior would be so undesirable for us that we would send her home.
We are going to find a therapist for her. We need some professional assistance here for sure.
And, we contacted CPS who advised us to call the local police station and request a welfare check. At that point a police officer will go to OW house, enter and interact with her and OC, and if anything is amiss (like maybe the dumpster she lives in) a social worker will be called to the premises immediately. Otherwise, CPS said we could file a report with them, but a home visit wouldn't happen right away if at all.
We're going to move in for the kill now, so to speak. It's time. OC is exhibiting some frightening behavior and she needs help. OW keeps brushing it under the rug and lies constantly to OC's doctor and teachers about the kind of lifestyle she really has. OC is out of control at OW's house because she is in control and treated like an adult, not a child.
We are afraid that if we cannot get custody of OC within the next year, we will have to go NC because her behavior is starting to affect our other, well-adjusted and very happy children. We do not want to give up on OC, but if the legal system isn't on our side here, we feel we don't have any other choice.
Keep your fingers crossed and please pray for my family.
Will do.....
We've been there....where things were affecting OUR chidlren. It's tuff, but you do the best you can.
Keep us updated.
xoxoxo
kt
I am at the end of my rope. H now says he doesn't want to push the issue. He wants to let it go "and see where we end up".
I don't know how much longer I can take this.
I have already told him that I will not sacrifice the mental, emotional, and physical well-being of our other children for OW's parenting mistakes. I told him that every time OC brings home more emotional baggage and disturbing behavior the closer I get to wanting a divorce. Especially if he's going to just "let it go".
Now he's angry with me and told me to [censored] off. I have not LB'd and I have been supportive through this whole nightmare. He's gotten more support through this from me than he deserves.
I guess our marriage just can't cope with it. We are failing miserably. I guess it does come down to his choice.
What I don't understand is how can a child that small even comprehend that? My twins are 7 and even if they start to throw up they start crying cause it freaks them out.
This is very very sad for this child. If she does not get help now, God knows where she will be at by the time she is 13!
I don't understand why I am having such a hard time feeling okay about my life. No one understands, I have no one to vent to. Even on these boards, I'm being told that I need to "get over it", that my choice to stay in the situation is the root of my problems and if I want to feel better I need to either "get happy or get out".
On GQ my feelings are being interpreted as feelings of anger toward OC and I'm being told repeatedly that OC is an INNOCENT. I have also been accused of being overly concerned with the financial aspects of supporting OC. I am not feeling as though this place is a place of support, I feel attacked.
My H and I are trying to find a way to do the absolute best for OC, and we are being met with resistance by OW, OC's teachers, and our families. Every step of the way we are being told that it is none of our business how OC is being raised while in the care of OW and our families are pushing us to give up and go NC.
I feel like the more good I try to do, the less good comes my way, the less people around me support my actions.
My H and I have been at eachother's throats for the past two weeks, and OW has started the daily phone calls again.
I cannot ask my H to give up OC, I wouldn't. But I am feeling mighty down now, knowing that my emotional baggage pertaining to OW/OC may prevent us from fulfilling our "till death do us part"s. No one can help me, I can only help myself. And I don't think I can help myself get through any more of this.
I'm feeling like I shouldn't come to this place anymore, these boards don't feel supportive. I don't feel understood. Shoot, I don't feel liked either. But, generally I feel this way about every aspect of my life. I don't know what to do, where to go, or who to turn to and no one can help me.
GQers are telling me I'm playing the role of the victim. Maybe I am.....if it's true I don't know how to stop other than getting a divorce. And that thought doesn't make me any happier.
There used to be more hugs around here than biting remarks and scathing advice....something sure has changed.
Where are all the old timers when you need them?
AVNL
avictim: I'm sorry your feeling this way. I have not read what others on GQ has told you. I do know from experience that your feelings are real and your concerns are real.
I hope your not insulted this coming from a fow w/oc. I do try and see all sides though.
I'm sure you've been asked them a million times, but I'll ask you again. ARe you in ic? I really have not seen you post as a victim but like I said I'm going off what I see you post here.
There is diffently issues with the oc or she would not throwing up. That is just not right. And to a point they are right that while oc is in ow's care she is her concern. But when something is going on with your child that is both's concerned.
If you and h lived seperatly and your child all of a sudden had a attitude change, or throwing up or something like that would it not be your concern as well as your husband's?
It takes a lot of guts to accept a child in this triangle.
It's probaly hard for your family and friends cause they see you hurt and feel that is the best answer for you?
I don't know really what else to say to you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
Keep praying for answers and I'm sure you'll get them.
Marysway,
Nope, no IC for me. I've got four children, a H who's a SAHD, and a salary below $30k/year. We're scraping by. I wish I could afford it. I probably need it pretty badly. My H is applying for a job this week that he can start when the kids get back into school and hope that at that time we will be able to afford it, because I feel so alone and in need of an objective confidant.
I have cried everyday for the past two weeks, and I don't mean the sniffles, I mean BAWLED. My attitude has been so down lately that I'm scaring even myself. I think I may be depressed....can't say for sure, though.
Just wish it could go happily and smoothly for a little while. Just a few weeks where things were calm and positive. Everyday is such an emotional rollercoaster, I feel like I've been hit by a Mac truck a thousand times over.
Thanks for the concern.....it helps tremendously just to have one person who expresses care and concern. It means a lot to me.
(((Marysway/needtomoveon)))
thanks
AVNL,
About C ... Are you catholic? I got my IC through the church (Stephen's Ministry). Even though they are not professional counselors ... they get trained to help people in crisis ... and it is free ... my C visited me for one whole year every week ... She was my angel sent from God ... I know I couldn't have done it without her ...
About GQII ... I try not to post there ... this is my board and this is were I feel welcomed with people going through A/OC situation ... C or NC ... it does not matter ... I even feel fear that because I'm divorced from H that I will get unpleasant comments ... I don't know ... kind of sad that there are barriers between boards <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> and even sadder that after the change of the board there's hardly people posting here <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
About OC throwing up ... this is learned behavior ... my nephew started to do the same thing when he was 4 yrs old (he is now 7) ... I do not live close to my brother ... but anyway .. I was asking my mom questions about his behavior .... his mom was doing the same thing (I know this is another whole issue) ... but at first he was mimicking her behavior ... then later (he is the middle child) he would do it to get attention ... he still does it to get attention ... as much as we (my mom an me) tell them that they need to get help ... my brother just ignores the suggestions ... there's a limit on how much you can do for another person that do not want to help themselves ... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
I don't know what else to tell you .. but I'm sending a hug to you if that makes you feel better ...
{{{{hugs}}}}
Now you have two people concerned and caring <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I always hate it when people say, the OC is an innocent victim here. What are you and your children?
I am for the children of the marriage and the wife.
I think it admirable that you support your H and are in Contact with OC. We have never done that. I would have, but my H didn't want to have contact. She is 11 now.
Next time you get her why don't you take her for a check-up if you can afford it. Do you have court documents for visitation? If not, if you are going to continue in this situation, you need documentation. You need it to protect yourself and the OC.
I don't know the laws exactly, but what I understand is that visitation cannot be tied to support and vice versa.
If you are supposed to have 13 days, the OW can't make it 11 days. If you choose not to pick her up then that is one thing, but the OW can't prevent you from taking her on your days.
Sounds like she may be using the OC as a pawn to punish you and your H. You can get paperwork done without going to court, but she may not help you with it. Go talk to a lawyer. Most will give you 30min visit free, listen to you and then tell you if they can help etc.
You might try that.
A 4yr old who is making herself throw up has problems. If you feel like tackling them then go for it. However, if your H isn't supportive of this it is very difficutl.
If I was walking in your shoes now, I would tell my H, I will no longer bring the child into my home as long as the problem of her throwing up at will is not addressed. It sets a bad precedent for your children. What willl you do if your dau/son starts throwing up because they don't like what you are serving for dinner. Her behavior is disruptive in your house and you don't need this.
Good luck. You must do what works for you, people hear have ideas that have worked for them, but they may not work for you. Read them all and find what works for you.
Later,
Texasgirl
No, Mily, I'm not catholic. I am not religiously affliated at all. I do not belong to any church as I have had many adverse experiences with them. However, my grandmother is a member of a local church, perhaps I should speak with her about services that may be available to me. That's actually a really good idea, Mily. I for one have a lot of respect for you that you've been able to say "the destruction of Mily must end" - Kudos to you, girl! I am feeling a little destroyed myself lately. But it isn't my H's fault, things are just so crazy right now.
Texasgirl,
Thanks for your concern. We do have a custody/visitation agreement filed that states we get 11-13 overnights a month. My H and XOW just signed papers altering that arrangement to the lower number of overnights per month, but the paperwork hasn't been filed yet. I don't think my H minds that he's not getting as many overnights because he's so worn out dealing with things. OC has always had problems and it's really hard on my H. We just want OC to be all right, we would never want our presence in her life to cause her any grief.
We will be making an appointment at the pediatrician's office, and we're in the process of trying to find a psychologist for her who specializes in treating children of divorce. The vomiting thing is really alarming, and as much as I feel badly for OC, I don't want her issues to become issues for my children. I feel like I will do whatever it takes to protect my children, even if it means divorcing my H so he can have a relationship with all of his offspring.
This is causing problems with my H and I. He is hurt that I am saying that I will divorce him before I let OW/OC situation hurt my children. We are fighting a lot recently, and it feels as though I am losing my only friend in this sitch because of it. He is as defensive as I am, I think he feels I am blaming him for all of this. I don't mean to. I know that he has no control over how OW parents OC. But, I am hurting deeply because I feel OW is still hurting our marriage through OC.
I don't know if I'm even making any sense anymore. I just feel....LOST.
Thanks for listening.
My personal opinion is: Fight for this little girl, no matter what it takes! They may be young, but your other children already know that there are problems. Sit down and explain that you are trying to help their sister. Giving them a little power by being included may prevent some resentment later on. Try to remain calm with OC even when you want to scream. Remember that your H is frustrated too. If it still doesn't work out, you at least have the satisfaction of knowing you tried your best.
When we got married I had a daughter and my H had two sons that lived out of state with their remarried mother. The youngest son (M) has had esclating behavior problems. I often felt that his mother contributed to his problems and looked for quick fixes in a bottle. One medicine even made M violent and suicidal. We would never have convinced a court she was incompetent (you may have a case) but I still think a good bluff would have worked. I often backed down because I feared M would disrupt my daughter's life. Many times I was told to butt out because "you're not his mother." My oldest step-son (B) finally had enough and came to live with us. B is the one of the sweetest young men I have ever been around. He admits coming to live with us was the best thing he ever did. M still lives with his mother and is destructive and angry. He was kicked out of public school after being arrested two times on campus. One of my biggest regrets is not doing everything I could to get custody when the boys were younger.
PS: I love both boys as my own even though I realize I will always be 2nd to their mother. Correction, 3rd woman now that they are dating.
fbwidow: I wish I could say that I have enough in me to fight for her no matter what it takes. I'm not sure I do. Fighting for her every minute of every day for the last four and a half years has left me and my H exhausted, our marriage on rocky ground, and our other children questioning why OC always gets so much attention.
I hope that I can continue to fight for her. So far, so good: taking things one day at a time. I have survived it thus far.
My H and I have a six month plan, we developed it last night over a pint of Ben & Jerry's after we'd both had a good cry. We are going to get OC into the pediatrician for a physical exam (check vitamins, minerals, blood counts, etc.) and then schedule a consultation with a psychologist. We will discuss findings with OW and OC's school. If OW continues the lifestyle she has chosen so far, we will make a call to CPS and request a Welfare Check by the local police. If in six months we have not made any headway and OC's behavior has not significantly improved, we will go NC.
Our goal: OW agrees to co-parent with the two of us in ways that do not put OC in the middle, OW starts putting OC's needs ahead of her own, and OC's "adjustment issues" are being addressed and are improving....
OR
Obtain custody of OC through whatever means necessary (and I don't mean lie to CPS, police, or court with false allegations like OW did). And then love OC like crazy....
OR
We pull out, continue to pay CS, and go NC.
I continue to hope for the best outcome for OC. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my marriage. I hope we can write a success story here.
Thanks.
Sorry if I came on a little strong in my previous post. I partly blame myself for trying to protect my daughter instead of doing more to help my youngest step-son.
You and your husband deserve a HUGE pat on the back for sitting down and coming up with a plan! It sounds like a good plan. More importantly, you did it together. Most people will never be able to understand how you can love another person's child. (It shows in your efforts.) I think it is a special quality that only some of us have.
Psalms is great to read. It deals a lot with calling for God's power and protection in fighting battles. I have clung to Psalm 57 since dday.
Avictim: Also check with your work. Alot of places have a program that they give free counseling sessions per year. When my girlfriend went through her dday the counsler was able to get her additional free sessions as well through her employer.
Your plan sounds good and sound. You have made it thus far and you do have to look out for your other children as well. This is not the normal behavior of a 4 year old. I'm just really sorry you are going through all this.
Your plan sounds good. You and Your H seem to be working together on your marriage and dealing with OC situation.
Many of t he older, most not posting as much, advocated NC in the first part of recovery. You have so much to deal with between the two of you, throwing in dealing with OW & OC doubles the problems.
Haveing read some of the other posts, I am so thankful that my H's OW/OC lived across the country.
Regardless of how it works out, at least you know you and your H have tried to do the right thing. But sacrificing your marriage and your children for the OC is not the right thing.
We have been married 31 years, his A occurred in our 18th year. You have so much time ahead of you. Take care of each other.
Texasgirl
New development, folks. Wonder what y'all think of this:
My H and I are considering a move across the country. Not now, maybe two or three years down the road. We think it might help us to be farther away from friends and family who've seen too much going on with OW/OC and can no longer be objective or helpful to our family through this. And it might help to live farther from OW/OC, but I wanted to get opinions from those of you who do live far from OW/OC.
Is it easier for you and your spouse? Is it harder on OC?
Don't you ever feel bad or guilty for putting the needs of your children first. They are living this nightmare with you, and they are victims also. Their needs need to be first and foremost at all times in your mind.
I think you and your husband have a good plan. Either ow fixes her side of things or move on. Hey, everyone gets hurt here. There is no reason why you or your children need to sacrifice your happiness and lives for this. You (and them) have been far more accomodating then necessary. No way would I want an screwed up, vomiting child around my children. What his her next step? Knives and cutting?
Take this very seriously. Try to do what you can, but know when to back off and save yourself and you family.
I wanted to get opinions from those of you who do live far from OW/OC.
H's XW (she married OM) has lived several states away entire 9yrs of our marriage. We got 2 SS's the entire summer and half of Christmas holidays until oldest was 16 and moved in w/us. I think the distance made it easier to deal with XW. There were several times I disagreed with her over the years but the distance gave me time to think before I picked up the phone. It has been hard to participate in SS's lives, even though people have commented that H is a better father than some that live with their kids. However, there have been some incidents (learned after the fact) over the years that I'm glad we didn't know about when they happened. The youngest SS still views our house as a place to visit and expects to be entertained. With a long time period between visits kids have to relearn (or retest) all the house rules whenever they visit so the first week of the summer is a nightmare.
If you don't get custody, moving may make your life easier because you won't have to deal with OW/OC on a daily basis. If you do get custody, you may have to get permission from OW before moving.
FB,
Ouch. Didn't think of having to ask OW's permission to move.
I guess we'll have to wait to decide for a few months until we figure out what's really going to happen with OC. But the thought of not having to deal with OW on a daily basis is like a really wonderful dream. The idea truly appeals to me....
Thanks!
Well, Sunday night was a doozie. We had OC for our scheduled visit. She had been pretty upset and sad when OW dropped her off on Friday night. My h and I talked to OC about how she felt. She said that she was sad because her "other mommy" was mad at us sometimes and she just wants us to quit fighting all the time.
My H and I talked about things in depth Sunday and decided that in addition to the six month time limit, we would try to find a way to open the lines of communication with OW by sitting down with her every other Saturday night, the three of us, to catch up on issues with OC and generally just try to talk with one another. We didn't know if OW would go for it. So, my H called her to arrange for her to spend some time talking when she came to pick up OC.
It was very uncomfortable. OW stayed about two and a half hours while we discussed our options. Since we all have a common goal: OC's comfort, we should be able to compromise, right?
OW seemed open. I told her that I thought the three of us should be able to put the past in the past. We are, after all, all adults here. She said she didn't know if she could get past her issues with me, my response: that's what has to happen, if it can't then it's a lost cause. She conceded.
I've never seen OC so happy. She actually asked OW if she would spend the night in OC's room and sleep on the top bunk. LOL That took OW for a spin! OW told us yesterday that OC has been much more open with her about wanting to come over to our house and has said that she wants to spend more time at our home and is disappointed that we've lessened her overnights. Imagine that.
I don't like inviting OW into our home, into our lives. But the effect on OC is testament that a little discomfort may be necessary for the greater good. My daughter has also benefited, because she's seen that OC's mommy is a real person and when OW is at our home she doesn't have to share her mommy (me) as much.
My H and I have re-entated our POJA, redefined the boundaries and rehashed our PORH. One last chance. Six month lease. Hope this works.
AVNL