Oh thank you.
I've been slammed by some OW's, when I asked questions on other forums. Mind you, the experience and comfort I've gained from these avenues is worth all the slamming...
I am on the other side of your situation. I'd like to know - for my own knowledge in a very non-judgemental way - what your life was like.
[color:"blue"]My life, at the time, was odd to say the least. I have to admit that I would look at myself in the mirror and not recognize the person looking back at me. My H is in the military and deployed at the time, and our M had been rocky to say the least. I'm not excusing my behavior, just explaining where my mind and emotions were at. I'm not trying to blame anyone but myself, but will be honest, the xmom DID pursue me, I was just stupid enough to accept it all. I was also away from the church and where I should have been, and more than 2000 miles away from family. [/color]
I say this, as I have absolutely NO knowledge of anything going on in my OC ordeal.
The A wasn't all that long, but long enough. The OW was married and VERY public with her betrayal. Rather than type it all again, you can read it, if you don't mind in the "NC..does it work?" thread.
[color:"blue"]I read your other thread, and will say that I am NOTHING like the OW in your situation. I was never public with my betrayal, in fact was quite embarrassed about what I was doing, but the xom was basically emotionally blackmailing me if I broke it off he would tell my H all when he got home! He even threatened to kill my H so he could "have" me. It wasn't pretty, but I still continued. [/color]
Her H had been a confidant of mine. We helped each other get through. Up until 3 weeks before birth. Of course, I did not attempt contact with him, either - I was in such a hole, that maybe it was my fault as well.
[color:"blue"]I'm actually glad that you no longer have contact with the ow's H, as that's NOT a safe thing to do. Relationships like that, especially when you are in such emotional pain, often end up in A's! [/color]
No one will tell me anything. How did YOUR H feel? How did you feel ? Your COM ? Anything you can tell me would be a Godsend. The OC is a boy, not quite 5 months old. I think I read that your bio-father has NC. Is that right ? Does it work?
[color:"blue"]My story is such a long, confusing one, but long story short, I actually DID think of abortion as soon as I saw the positive pg test! My H knew of the A before that, and since he had just gotten back from being deployed, pretty much knew he wouldn't be the bio-father. I even called what I thought was a clinic, but it turned out to be a crisis pregnancy center. I ended up hanging up on them, but then called my parents. It is SO true that it isn't the OC's fault, and after talking with my H, we decided to go through with the P. At that time we still weren't sure where things would go in our M or if we would keep or give up the OC for adoption. I left that up to my H to decide. We did know that we would NEVER tell the xom, due to threats on my H's life, infront of a neighbor I might add. [/color]
Please forgive me, was your H at all disgusted with you at the beginning ? Did he ever hold it against you or such ?
[color:"blue"]As every story is different, well, my H and I didn't sleep in the same bed the night of Dday, but other than deployments and such, we've been together ever since. I think the disgust is more of myself, even to this day, 5 years past Dday, that I did that not only to myself but my family as well. My H has never held the A against me, and we are both dedicated to repairing the damage we both have done to our M(I am also a BW as my H has had multiple A's) [/color]
Is my OW's life perfect right now ? Will she be back after my H?
[color:"blue"]I can tell you that I will NEVER have another A, PERIOD! Unfortunately, it took our dear Abbi to wake me up to my idiocy, but I have learned my lesson! My life isn't perfect, but we are working every day to make our own M stronger. I usually don't even think of the xom, except when asked questions like these. And, the times that I do, it's not with fondness. We also have NO guilt about never telling him of the P. Due to his violent nature(physically assulted my H on Dday) and my total disgust with what I had done and him, we never said a thing to him, and have never had a DNA test done. Also, we didn't want to take away from his then(not sure if they ever D'd) wife and little girl. We figured that a complete and total break was best for ALL concerned. We are now half way across the states from him, as far as I know, and should never happen to cross paths. [/color]
My life isn't perfect with all this pain. Knowledge helps me. Maybe in some sort of sick way, I need to know she's suffered as I and my COM have. I wonder what her two other children know, as well..
[color:"blue"]As for the COM, well, we haven't said anything to them and probably never will. Heck, for all we know, Abbi IS their full sister, and it would be stupid to say otherwise! I can't tell you that the OW in your situation has suffered. I know that I probably have beat myself up more than others, but we are getting over that pain and living our lives in the way we should(or at least trying to). No one is perfect, and no one can have a perfect life. If the OW seems to have no cares, well, then she's either putting on a front, or she feels she's done nothing wrong. Unfortunately, you can't change her or her actions, but you can work on yourself and your M and try to put this all behind you. If the OW's H is on the BC, well, count your blessings that your H is only being responsible for the health insurance. BUT, I would prepare yourself for possible CS down the road.
Check with your state laws on presumed paternity. In some states, if the non-bio-father agrees to raise the child as his own, with knowledge said child is NOT his, and they then get a D, that man will be the one responsible for CS. But, if he contests it within a certain time period, your H could be held responsible. Try not to get blindsided in that way. [/color]
Thank you for being so kind.
Eibrab
[color:"blue"]You are very welcome, I hope I answered your questions. If you have more, please don't hessitate to ask. I have been on both sides of the infidelity coin, and as I said before, am more than willing to share my experiences to help others in the same situation. [/color]