I have been married for 3 years and we have a 2 year old and 11 year old (from a previous relationship). My husband and I began having problems after the birth of our daughter.
We attempted counseling one year ago, but had to quit soon after starting due to work scheduling conflicts. We have not been back since.

The last seven months have been an emotional roller coaster. We have seperated (very briefly) twice and he started proceedings for a divorce but we always "tried" again for our children. We have only been back together for a few weeks but things were going really well this time.

A few months ago I began having an affair with my ex'fiance and have just discovered that I am pregnant. My husband has had a vasectomy and so there is no chance that it is his.
Both the ex and my husband are aware of the situation. Of course the ex wants to keep the baby and my husband thinks that we can get past this if I abort.

I am ashamed of what I have done to my family and I fear what my friends, family, coworkers and church will think of me, but I am still torn about having an abortion. I still have it in the back of my mind that my husband will leave anyway or that the marriage will fail anyway.

Any advice on my situation is truly appreciated.

Do not even consider abortion. That child is an innocent person in this and regardless of how he/she was conceived, you have no right to take her/his life away because YOU made wrong choices. Again, TWO wrongs DO NOT make a right.

As far as what will happen, I cannot even tell you. I had a child of an affair and she is now 8 months old and we are still nowhere near recovery, BUT there are people out there who do make it.

At this point you cannot worry about what your ex-fiance or what your spouse wants. You need to figure out what you want. Do you want your marriage or not? that is the question you need to honestly answer.

You brought up church, there is a GREAT book I just read "Marriage Undercover" please pick up... simiar situation including the baby. You will see how just about anything is possible. It will give you hope and will answer a lot of your questions.

I pray that you will not consider abortion anymore because no matter how bad things get, you can still seek God's Grace, forgiveness and will.... however, if you allow Satan to get a hold of you and you committ yet another horrible sin, you will never forgive YOURSELF.

(((((((hugs))))))))

McBecca how did you get your husband to accept the pregnancy? How is he with the baby and is the other man involved? Yesterday was the first day that he knew anything about the baby or the affair ....so I am hoping that he will accept the baby in time. I am praying that God will help him on this one. I feel so terrible about what I have done to my marriage and my current kids. How did you explain to your children? Yours are around the same ages of mine?

Ok, first and foremost, this baby is innocent. If you feel that you want to try to save your M, you need to consider other options for the baby. If the OM really does want the baby, why not go through with the P and give the baby to the OM to raise? You mentioned church, so in the eyes of God, no one sin is greater than another, right? So, he says to not take another life and to not commit adultery. You are already living the consequences of adultery, do you ALSO wish to live the consequences of murder? The bible does mention abortion, only not with that term, in the bible, where if a woman who is pregnant is killed, and the baby is also killed, that person has committed murder on two people. So, talk with your H, see if he would be willing to allow you to continue the P and give the child to OM. Of course, the OM will probably freak out, and say that YOU should keep the baby, then tell him if he doesn't want the baby, you will look into adoption. Right now, the OM's feelings don't matter one smidgeon of a fraction of a percent! If you wish to save your M, you H is your first priority, and the life of this child is very important too.

I have survived BOTH adoption AND having my H raise the OC. Now, out situation it was vital that OM didn't know of P, since he was displaying violent behavior, stalking us, and had threatened my H's life. SO, he was never told, but my H knew from the beginning. We have never done a DNA test, because OC IS my H's DD, just as much as our other 2. Speaking of other 2, our oldest, yes my H's and my child, we gave up for adoption over 19 years ago! We have recently reunited with her, and you would be amazed at how great it is now! I will not go into anything more on that on the public boards, but just know that you CAN survive it.

You need to read everything you can on these boards, You can do a member search for Sailorman59(my H) to read our story. His job is such that he rarely posts anymore, but I am here just about every day. It IS survivable, but you BOTH have to work, and a lot of the work WILL be on YOUR side of the coin. BUT, it can only work if you BOTH wish to save your M. Look at your states laws for any legalities concerning the baby and your H. Post here often, and I would also recommend you showing your H this site. Unfortunately, there aren't too many H's who are raising the OC that post anymore, but most of the advice is still the same.

Please, don't give up, and don't jump right into an abortion! There are just TOO many consequences and after effects! If your H still insists, how bout finding a local "Crisis Pregnancy Center" and have them talk to him and show him the evidence of what abortion does to the mother AND baby! There are so many other options, and if you are worried about what your children think if you choose adoption, well, you can use the CPC for help in that as well! They are an awesome group! If you are so worried about how others will view you if they find out about the A, think of how things would be if they find out about the A AND that you had an ABORTION!

Ok, 2x4 is now put away. Please, consider what I wrote! I speak from experience of all except abortion. You CAN survive this, and so can your H. It won't be easy, but we are, as my signature line says, 6+ years into recovery and our dear sweet Abbi will be turning 6 next month! It hasn't always been sweetness and flowers, but look at it like a rose, something SO beautiful, but it still has thorns. NOTHING ever comes easy in this world, you have to work for everything, including a happy marriage.

During the entire pregnancy we were convinced she was OURS, it wasn't until she was born (her looks) and a DNA test later that we found out. We moved to another state shortly before she was born and therefore the OM has had no involvement in the baby's life. Not my original choice, I was read to end the marriage, but when we found out the baby was OM's BH decided he still wanted to stay in the marriage and raise her as his child WITH THE CONDITION that OM is not involved. Reluctantly, I agreed. However, if you go to the General board where I have several posts you will see, we are still not reconciling or working in our marriage.

BH went from accepting and genuinely loving the baby and wanting to stay married to wanting a divorce.... it is a rollercoaster so be prepared. Unless your BH deals with the pain and emotions, and seeks HELP immediately, it could be a while before all of that is resolved. My BH has chosen to suffer alone, no counseling, no friends etc. So he is nowhere near healed or seeking to be healed. It is a very stressful situation.

We haven't told our other children yet, BH does not want them to find out. However, he did say if we divorce, he would want our families to know WHY because he doesn't want to look like a bad guy leaving me with 3 children.

To be quite honest with you, only a miracle can save these marriages. Mine is far from being saved. I do not know from day to day what will happen. It takes years I guess for all the dust to settle. If you were unhappy BEFORE the A in your marriage, the A and the OC simply complicate things 100% more. So my best advice to you is for you and your spouse to seek spiritual counseling.

KM, welcome to MB. Have you read the site concepts? Have you and your H read "Surviving An Affair" by Willard Harley. I also recommend "Torn Assunder" by Dave Carder which is a Christian book. We do have a couple of men here that are the betrayed husband raising the OC. K and pops are the two that come to mind if your hubby would like to come here.

Tigger will be great support for you as well as Autumn Day if she drops in. McBecca though struggling still in her M has also been in your shoes.

I do beg you to not consider abortion. It does not fit with you being a Christian and you will live with that pain the rest of your life. How does your H feel about raising the OC as his own? In some states if a child is born into a marriage, the child is considered legally the H's not matter the DNA. You may want to explore the laws of your state OR consider giving the child to the OM to raise. Either way, we will help you get through this. For right now, please focus on healing your marriage and going NC with the OM.

Faithful, I have not read the concepts yet. Thank you I will do so.

I called another church today hoping to do some counseling with that pastor in the next Week. I am sure that my husband will be open to that. I know that he doesn't want to see our marriage end....he just wants to close this door and get it all behind us.

My husband doesn't want to raise the baby as his own. Well, as of yesterday he didn't. We didn't discuss it at all today, we are just acting like things aren't happening I guess. He did hand me my wedding ring this morning and he is still taking me out for our "date night" tonight. I think that the biggest thing that he is concerned with is what his parents and friends and other people will think of him for sticking with me if they are aware of the situation.
Remember he has had a vasectomy and most people are aware of that.

As for NC with the OM. He is the only person who is against the abortion at this point. Our conversations are ONLY about the situation and I'm able to tell him honestly what I think and feel. He is not even pressuring me to leave my husband, he just wants me to do what I need to to be happy AND of course keep the baby. Yes, he would raise the baby but it's not an issue of me NOT wanting the baby...it is more of me wanting to hide what I have done.

Ok, counseling, good, getting it behind you, well, that doesn't happen over night. It takes much work, on both parts of the marriage partnership, to get past something like this.



Acting like things are normal, well, good and bad. Bad, because they AREN'T normal, Good, I say because you aren't fighting at the moment. This HAS to be dealt with. As for hiding it, well, my H had a V as well, 6 years BEFORE this. Most, if not all our family knew this. As far as I know, the only direct family(brother/sister/mother/father) that still doesn't know is my brother. Here's a doosy for ya, when mil and fil found out, mil took it upon herself, even after H BEGGED fil to keep her from doing it, told that WHOLE side of the family, "all because we need to pray for them"! Well, the only thing that did was cause a huge canyon between H and his mom. H's brothers support us 100%! And, honestly, if your H does decide to be a daddy to this child, it's NO ONES business how or why, they need to just accept it and respect him that much more!



STOP IT AND STOP IT NOW!!!! If anything, your continued contact with OM is what has your H so upset! He can't trust you and until you prove to him that HE comes first, that trust will never come back! You will NEVER be able to totally hide what you have done! You will either live with one of three things:

1. the guilt for the rest of your life over taking the life of an innocent child
2. Wondering for 18 or so years if you will see this child again
3. Raising this child with your H in a happy loving home.

I CAN BE DONE!!!! Our innitial, knee jerk reaction to the positive preg test was abortion, but God stopped that in it's tracks! Then, we considered adoption, having done it once before. I totally left the final decision up to my H, because I WANTED TO SAVE MY M! Some people think that doing something like that is unhealthy, but it was our version of POJA(policy of joint agreement). It wasn't an instant decision, I think I was about half way through the P before my H made his final decision.

How early into all this are you? When did you find out you were expecting, when did you tell your H about the A? These things are important, because dealing with an A is like dealing with a loss. Your H can and probably will go through the stages of grieving. You can make it through this, and so can your M.

I'm not sure how much help this is, but if you have more specific questions, please don't hessitate to ask. I am here to share what we went through to help people like you!

NC, complete NC with OM. That is the only way to begin to earn your H's trust again. I will call out to pops to get the man's perspective for you.

Great post, tigger.

I agree with the calls to stop any and all contact with OM.

I am also not afraid to suggest that you give serious consideration to terminating the pregnancy before you get too far along. It's not your H's child, will only create an excuse for OM to continue contacting you, and will create a constant reminder to your H of your infidelity. If it were my W, I would insist on termination as a requirement for staying in the marriage.

From my last LMP I am less than 4 weeks which surprises me that I know this soon from a HPT. We have looked into termination and it can't be done before 6 weeks and the baby already has a heartbeat by then so I am against that.
The pastor from the other church called me back and we have an appt with him on Monday.

Wonderful news about the appointment!

So, from the bold print, it seems that you won't be terminating. I have to say that I'm happy you won't be ending a childs life, just because of the way they "came to be". There are SO many verses in the Bible that talk about God knowing us before we are even formed. Think about that. This child has a purpose!

How is your H doing at this time? This is so obviously fresh for you all that he's probably still in such shock. Have you told him about this website, or has he read anything here yet? I think one of the things that did help us was that my H had already known about the A before we knew I was P. We had already decided we were going to work on our M. So, this, for us, was one of those bumps or potholes in the road to recovery. We got stuck for a while, but made it through. We worked through our own version of the MB principles. That's the thing about them, you can use them as a base, guidelines to follow, but you can also add your own twists to them. I think that's why they are called the "Basic Concepts".

So, for now, don't worry so much about what you are going to do about the P, but see how this appointment goes in Monday. Have you done the EN questionare? Have you done it with your H? I really suggest you do these and soon. If your H is leary of it, don't include ALL the stuff, like the agreement at the end just yet. BUT, if you guys don't know each other's needs, how can you work to fill them and fill those love banks? At this time, YOU, being the WW, are going to be doing a lot of the work. I speak from experience. It's NOT going to be easy, but you can make it through this. As I said before, we are closing in on our 7th year of recovery, Abbi is almost 6, and we are still together, still happy. We have our moments, but all couples do. Marriage isn't easy, but it can still be rewarding and fun.

Keep us informed about your appointment on Monday.

Went to counseling today. Overall it went really well. We discussed that I had had an affair and that it was over now and my husband stated that "this is just another bump in the road that I'll get over." My H would not let me bring up the pregnancy though, he stated that he doesn't want anyone to know about it so I am assuming that he still is very determined that I need to abort in order to stay in this relationship. He made the comment before we went that the pregnancy is what makes him the most mad about the situation.

kaelinmom,

I think you are missing something here. You are getting great advice from the ladies that have posted to you. Listen to them.

What I think you are missing are two pieces of information.

1. Your H is very embarressed about this pregnancy as he feels it reflects on him as a man. I think you have not consided the effect of the vasectomy on his view of himself, and then to have another man impregnant you, is really a challenge to his manhood. The ONLY thing I could offer you as a female corralary is a infertile woman finding out her H has impregnanted another woman. Please think about this.

2. Your H has no faith that the OM is going to be out of your lives if you give birth to this child. And legally this really might be the case. Your marriage was struggling before this, and now you will have contact with OM for the rest of your life. He has no confidence that you won't choose OM. If you abort, that worry is gone.

I may not be correct but I would strongly suggest you consider these two points and discuss them with your H. You will need a plan for the future and that plan is to include what to do about OM and his rights as a father, a very very touchy subject in this day and age.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

JL...your post is correct. I know that those are the issues he has about the pregnancy, you have almost quoted him verbatim. I would probably feel the same way if I were in his position.
Looking forward I need guidance on what to do. I do love my husband and want to work on my marriage but I have a terrible feeling about having an abortion (like something bad is going to happen to me or my kids) as a punishment if that is what I choose to do. I am sure he will not be willing to change his mind, abortion is the only way to continue our marriage. My other concern is that if I don't do what he wants and my marriage ends, my husband WILL fight for custody of our daughter. I could not bear to lose her. ( I know I should have thought about that before getting myself into this mess.) Ugh.
As for the OM, he is 34 and has no children of his own. He raised my son until he was almost 3 and he was an awesome dad to him. Despite the situation he REALLY wants me to continue this pregnancy and is willing to support this baby 100%.

kaekinmom,

First please note that I am a male. I am not pro or anti abortion. I think abortion is necessary in some cases, but I don't think it is an acceptable form of birth control.

I also think men get the short stick on this situation becuase they really don't have a say on this topic. Given that, my thoughts are that if you don't want to abort this child, you should NOT do it.

Your H may well come to love this child, certainly other men on this site have done that, but I will say as a father of 3 children, most men I know don't bond with children until they are born. Thus your H's feelings may well change after the birth of the child IF you OM is out of the picture and your H has a chance to adjust to this.

You also said Well, if you would feel the same way, what would you need to see and have done to change those feelings? That is what you need to consider and address. If you leave things as they are and continue contact with OM, you have forced your H into a corner where his only option is to fight his way out.


I cannot address your feelings of doom, many women have abortions and their other children are not harmed. I would guess that any punishment would be self-imposed. I do think your children are going to feel the consequences of this if you do not abort as the middle child will likely lose his/her father. The older one will lose someone that has played the role of father. And the child you are carrying will lose what?

I don't think punishment is the right way to address your decision. I do think your moral standards are a much more useful as a measuring stick for your decision.



I am not sure either, and frankly it is not something he can know right now. Neither can you know it, he may change his mind if other conditions in the marriage support him. So far I see no indications that they do. YOu have had an affair. You are pregnant with OM's baby. You have OM waiting in the wings to step in and replace your H. You have contact with OM. What are YOU going to change in this picture to give your H some confidence that he is at least a little respected?


Let's see it is alright for him to lose her, but not for you to lose her is that the point? He has been sterilized and cannot have any more children, but it would be fine for him to lose his child and see her occasionally but that is not true for you???? You do realize that vasectomies are often NOT reversable don't you? I presume he did this because you two decided NOT to have any more children right? You were part of that decision right?

If you are staying with him because you don't want to lose her, your marriage has no chance.

Frankly, you are about to have 3 children by 3 different fathers. THe mess you talk about is really YOUR making and it is not going to get better unless you do some serious changing in your thinking and your approach to life. I suspect your H is not willing to take the emotional risk, the financial risk, nor the humiliation of being married to you and raising another man's baby, unless YOU change how you view things. You have to date not offered much in the way of changed thought have you?


Of course OM wants the child to be born. He gets something he does not have, AND he gets to break up your marriage. But, is he willing to support your other children 100% ? He has not raised your other son for as long as your H has but somehow, he is an awesome Dad and your H is what??? Don't you see even thinking along these lines is really doing a number on your H? Don't you see how you are humiliating your H and rubbing this in his face?

Don't you understand why your H has taken the approach he has? He cannot win. To your H there is no avenue by which he can some self-respect and will lose respect in the eyes of his friends, your friends, his family, and your family. You have to come up with some ideas to NOT corner him into an either/or decision.

Talk to the man, but understand if continue to humiliate him, consider the OM as a viable out, and bring OM into your marriage, you have left no place for your H to go, but out.

Please think about this. I hope the ladies here can offer you some advice and counseling on how to address these issues with your H.

kmom~

I know your H is firm on the abortion, but I honestly believe if you go complete NC with the OM, your H may very well change his mind about the OC over time. NO guarantees of course, but I CAN guarantee this-- if you keep up this C with OM, your M will not recover.

There's no reason to continue C with the OM, none whatsoever. He is nothing to you. He isn't even anything to your child-- unless you/your H choose for him to be.

Abort the OM-- not the OC.

kaelinmom,


A lot of us share that feeling.


Few words have ever been spoken better.



If you read much of what is on this site, you will see that the courts are usally on the womans side when it comes to the kids. He may fight, but odds are you would win.

I like most of what JL has to say except for the obvious. Your H manhood has been challenged, does not mean that this can not be overcomed. Odds are that if you STOP CONTACT with OM NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You will have a MUCH better chance at saving your marrige and your baby. Equate OM to Crack Cocain addiction. They are both difficult to kick, but it must be done. It can be done.

Give your H and your baby a real chance.

TH

TH,

I am curious what part of my post did you not agree with? Just asking.

JL

Thank you all for your responses. You don't know how much I appreciate your unbiased answers and support.
JL, I do appreciate your views as a male. It does make it easier to see from my husbands perspective. Thank you. However, I do want to clear up some things. I don't want you to have the impression that I'm some yucky slutty girl who just goes around making babies with everyone. I would probably still be with my oldest child's dad today if he had not walked away from his responsibilities. I became pregnant with him my senior year in high school and I continued to put MYSELF through school while I worked full time. I didn't live off of state aid or my parents. In fact, my parents made me do EVERYTHING myself and for that I am very thankful. I bought a house on my own shortly after graduating from college. I didn't get married until he was 7 years old. I didn't know that my husband would do a total 360 after I had our daughter. (He is admitting to this now.) I really did explore all of my resources prior to having an affair. I went to marriage counseling and he hated it, I talked to my pastor, I tried talking to my husband, I went so far as to write on paper all of the things that he did that hurt me and at the end (BEFORE the affair) I told him that if things did not change I would have to move on. I know that as a christian woman, I knew better than to sleep with anyone outside of marriage and for that I have to take responsibility. I am also beginning to realize that I had no business discussing my marital problems with ANYONE of the OPPOSITE sex. This has been a learning experience for us, we just have to learn the hard way I guess.
AD and TH, I sent a text message to the OM yesterday telling him that I no longer wanted any contact with him. Of course he sent me one million more messages and emails wanting to know what was going on. So today we talked on the phone and he stated that he respects my marriage enough to walk away from me, that he doesn't want to be in an affair with me but he still cares about us and will be there if I ever need anything. I do believe that he will walk away for now out of respect...I also know that he will be back after I have this baby if I choose that.

So for now, it will be NC with the X. Thank you everyone. Please continue to support me as I go through the next few weeks.

kaelinmom,

NC is the only way to go to save your marriage and the life your current children know. Change your phone numbers, Change your e-mail account names. Change whatever you can so he cannot contact you. If he gets through, do not converse and immediately tell your H. If you plan to maintain this pregnancy, then plan on raising the child yourself or with your H. Do not keep OM as a backup in case your marriage fails. Your H needs to know that you are quits with OM. That you are not keeping him in the wings if the M doesn't work. This is a very painful, long, uphill battle. If you have been reading any of the old posts you can see that two years, four years, etc. this continues to be a part of your lives forever. The good news is that they show you there is hope and joy down the road, but you have to fight for it.
Best Wishes
FTS

Thank you FTS. I know that my H is concerned that the OM is in the wings in case the M fails. I am pretty certain that that is in the back of his mind. I have told him that this situation would be the prime opportunity to leave him if I didn't want to work on the marriage but that I am committed to making this marriage work.
Since I came out about the affair I am spending all of my free time with him. Things that would normally be done alone (errands and running the kids from place to place) we are doing as a couple. I know that this helps him to know where I am and what I am doing. I also try to call him while I'm on my way to and from work so he knows that I am not chatting with anyone else.
I am sure that this will be a long hard uphill battle but I am pretty determined that we can make it and he is being very positive about it too.

KM, the transparent you are about your life the better your H will feel. I hope you have changed your email address and cell phone number so OM cannot contact you. You should also give your H complete access to everything.

KM,

You said:



Here is what you need to do, because what you have done is not good enough. OM won't go away quietly, because you have already broken NC! I don't care that he called you or however it happened, it still broke NC! You need to write a NC letter WITH your H. You need to make it known to OM that under no uncertain terms will there ever be contact again! If you are worried about hurting him, well, you've already done that to your H. HE is the one you should be worried about hurting further, not the OM. The OM has NO place in or outside your M. Your relationship with him MUST be totally OVER! No more of this, "I also know that he will be back after I have this baby if I choose that."!!!! THAT exact mentality is what will KILL your M, or what you have left.

I agree with the others, change your phone number, cell phone number, email account addresses, and anything else that OM uses to contact you! Little snips of contact here and there are just as harmful as full on contact. You need to stop it and stop it now. If OM was so worried about your M, he never would have carried on with you in the first place.

You say that you are spending all your free time with your H, well, when did you have time then to "chat" with OM? Does your H know about this contact? You need to re-evaluate your actions.

KM,

You said a few things that I thought I would comment on. First please listen to Tigger, she knows her stuff, as do others posting to you.

On the issue of abortion, if it is indeed still an issue. Let me quote your words and then ask you a question.


Two things come through. One you did not have a strong marriage. Two, you and for whatever reason your H did not thrive in the marriage once your daughter was born. And you pointed out he had a vasectomy, suggesting that both of you did not want another child. I am guessing it was he more than anyone who did not want another child.

Given this history do you think having an abortion will solve the problems in your marriage?? I don't!

I do however think you two should discuss the affect your daughter had on the marriage from BOTH of your points of view. How would you and he handle it differently? What have you learned?

Given what you have said and given that this is OM's child (AT THIS POINT), you can see why abortion would be your H's choice. However, I said AT THIS POINT for a reason. IF your H decides or has decided to be a true father to your daughter, AND your older child, he can become THE FATHER to the child you are carrying.

For this to happen, BOTH of you need to really review what you mean by commitment, what it means to be parents, adults, and most of all MARRIED.

I have no idea if this will work out, but I would make a sizable wager that having an abortion won't fix what is broken, and it will likely break it further. The child you are carrying is not the problem, the poor thing is just the symptom.

Finally, I mentioned the 3 children by 3 fathers not to put you down. It was mentioned because this situation was and is going to be hard on them no matter what you do. Your oldest needs to learn what is really means to be a man, and right now his role models are a little short of stellar. He also needs to know what marriage means and how to treat a woman and what to expect from a woman. How do you think he sees this?

I am not trying to lay a guilt trip on you. I want you to think from the perspective of your H, AND your children. With those added perspectives I believe you will be able to make the best of this situation no matter what your H decides.

I do like that you two are spending time together. Keep up the good work.

God Bless,

JL

Tigger- AHHHHH.... this is so hard. Ugh, I thought I was doing the right thing and I just flunked the very first day. No, he doesn't know that we chatted I was at work.

JL, I don't think that having the abortion will fix the things in the marriage. I also agree that if I am "pushed" to make that decision I will grow to regret it and my marriage will be worse. I think that my H thinks the same way that I do, "what will everyone think"? I think that he thinks it will be better if we just hide the fact that it ever happened.

We are working on communication and discipline in the marriage class that we are taking. We both recognize that we fail miserably at this one.

I am really concerned about my son also. His "real" dad also has 3 children by 3 different parents, two of which he was not ever married to. My husband is really a great role model to him overall...he is not mean or abusive to me by any means he is just not an affectionate or loving person to me. Now, the kids are a totally different story.

Ugh, this is where I start leaning back toward abortion to "fix" the mess that I have created. I start getting fearful of how my kids, family and friends will perceive me. I am also really worried that I will no longer be able to work at the Pregnancy Center that I'm involved at. I volunteer there 10-12 hours a week on top of my "regular" job. I help women NOT to have abortions. I really don't know that I would be able to scan them anymore knowing I had aborted my own child...I also worry that because of what I have done, the board will no longer see me as an asset to the organization and I love what I do there.

I'm just kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place right now.

JL,

Your last post cleared up what issue I had with your other post. (Abortion as a possable to solution to fix this M. I didn't think having an abortion would fix anything. I also got why her H would demand it, but minds can often change in these cases.)

BTW, I one of your fans :-)

Kaelinmom,

Please get with the NO-CONTACT letter as suggested. Do not feel guilty in the least for CUTTING out OM when it comes to the child. The child will have a father who appears to be a good man. If he is given a chance to think of this child as his own he just might start to act that way.

Don't be guilty of thinking OM is your backup plan. Please get it out of your head if it is, it will only further seperate you and your H. Count on your H. Even if you have to take it on faith at the moment. Your H will pick up on this wether he will tell you or not.

Learn the skills needed to fill your H EN's, I am sure this is a wake up call for him too! I suspect after seeing effort on your part, he will want to get on the EN filling bandwagon as well. At least that is what has happened in my M.

I had a lot to prove when I spilled the beans. Were not perfect, but I can't think of anywhere else I would rather be either! :-)

TH

KM,

You said a few things that I thought I would comment on.

You said
Isn't that a little late to worry what everyone will think?
Consider this carefully. Who is the one person you never wanted to see you pregnant by another man? Your H. You cannot hide this fact. Further, you KNOW what you did, and you cannot hide from that.

Let's assume that you do not have the abortion. Even if you two divorce EVERYONE WILL KNOW, because everyone can do basic arithematic. So your H will be known as the man you cheated on and had a baby by another man. If everyone doesn't know he had a vasectomy, then they will assume he is the father unless there are some very telling physical signs, such as different race or such.

So the reality is the important people know, that would by YOU and YOUR H. The next thing is for you to consider why your daughter changed your marriage. Was it you focusing on her, your other activities, and then finally your H? Was it that you got better feed back elsewhere, daughter, friends, etc. because he is not very demonstrative to you? What was the reason your daughter's presence caused such problems? I ask this because you can change this with this next child.

Your H can be part of this, and he can enjoy many things, other than the morning feedings <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />, and the diapers <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> .

So what would others think is something as important as you might think.

But, here is one for you, what would YOU think of your H if he stayed and help you raise another man's baby, and made that baby his own child? You really need to think about this. You really need to understand your thinking and be very very honest.

Here is why I say that. Many women claim they want a "sensitive" man, but if a man comes to these same women with their problems, their hurt feelings, their neediness, these same woman start looking for MEN, or a REAL MAN. They just wanted the good stuff, "sensitive" husband is code word for someone that is just like my girl friends, listens to my problems, "gets it" when I complain, etc. but pays the mortgage. What they don't want is to have to work and address HIS problems.

My point is what do you REALLY want and why? You see what your H wants very very clearly is RESPECT. His feeling is if he stays and you have this child everyone will be laughing at him, and/or have no respect for him as a man. The question to start with is "will you?" Why? or Why Not?

Next you said:


And the problem with this picture is??????


So is this voluteer work more important to your children?
Is this volunteer work more important than the child you are carrying?
Is this volunteer work more important than your marriage?
Is this volunteer work more important than your H?

You really need to consider this. You work full time, you have two children right now. You are married and have a husband AND you volunteer at a clinic. Have you read Harley's 4 rules for a good marriage? If not go to the articles and read it. The rule of time is in play here.

Oh, by the way, an abortion will NOT fix this mess either will it. Your H already knows about the affair, and the child. You already know about the affair and the child. Yes, you are in a difficult and very embarrassing situation. However, people survive embarrassment, they don't survive abortions do they? Your marriage can survive embarrassment, IF your marriage is something you both WANT to survive. Your H is ambivalent, not surprising right? But, what does he get if he stays except more lost sleep, more financial responsibility, loss of respect from friends and family? You see it is up to you to figure out what he gets if he stays and it is not you on your knees at his beck and call.

Please think about this. You need a plan young lady, and you need to start making that plan today. Please read the r rules that Harley has posted. Please read about needs. Please read about the policies of "radical honesty" and "joint agreement". And then read about the love bank.

I think a plan will form and the people here will help you. Your H needs to be able to see a win and right now he is having a hard time. Your job is to help him see the win. Your other job is to see the light at the end of the tunnel. The tunnel is not what you dreamed but it is what you have created.

So read, think, and ask questions.

God Bless,

JL

I'm just kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place right now. [/quote]

JL,


After I took the positive pregnancy test it only seemed logical to me to immediately tell my H the truth. We were in the process of trying to work on our marriage and I truly felt like he needed to know what I had done. I had prayed about what to do and that was the only thing that came to mind. I knew that he would be really mad but I had hope that he would be able to help me through the situation.




Things changed after we had her because he spent ALL of his time with her. His whole life revolved around her. I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that we had her on the day that his brother died and she acts a lot like he did. Anyway, he refused to let anyone outside of his family watch her for the longest time, I was not allowed to discipline her because if I did she would yell, "daddy save me" and he would scoop her up and basically give her the impression that what I told her to do did not matter, we didn't go anywhere anymore and he quit having sex with me. It was like she was his wife and I was no one. He is able to recognize these things hurt me now.

I will refer to those articles thank you. I have a lot of hope for my marriage. I really do. I truly believe that things will work out in our favor. I think that I have a long hard road ahead of me but I believe that he will be there beside me to help me.

I have realized through this situation that I really do love and appreciate what he does for me and our children. You are right, we do need a plan. However I am afraid to approach him about that right now. I am still against having an abortion and I am really afraid to bring that up to him right now. I don't know when to bring this up.

KM,

First YOU have to have a plan. It is a plan to save this marriage, weather the embarrassment, and deal with your H's issues. His actions around the daughter are a bit over the top, usually it is the female that really focuses on the child. I will tell you he is doing her no real good not including you in decisions about her, and shielding her from you.

But, consider a plan for you action first. He may not stay if you decide against an abortion. He may change his mind and come back. He may stay.

So many things YOU really cannot control, but you can make a positive influence.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

KM,

Even though you may have "flunked" on the first day, you still have the rest of the "class"(rebuilding/recovery) to make the rest straight A's! JL also has some very awesome advice! He's been around these boards a long time, observing everyone and everything. He know's what he's saying when he says that your H might leave, might leave and come back, or might just stay anyway. Think about it.

I say the same thing he does. Do NOT abort. From your previous post, you KNOW how they are done! You KNOW what happens to women who go through with them! My H also had a V, and we still only told(other than what MIL did on her own) only those we felt needed to know.

Do your NC letter and get it done TODAY! Have your H read it, sign it WITH you, and send it today or tomorrow! Your first and main priority should be to repair your M, THEN, comes your children. The only thing more important is your relationship with God.

Please encourage our H to come here, if only to post a couple times, or just to read. I know and my H knows how difficult it is to deal with a situation such as yours. PLEASE, if he won't post, at least encourage him to read. You can go do a search for the username Sailorman59. That is my H's log in name. You can have your H read all that we went through, during and after our Abbi's birth. One of the biggest differences in our situations is that xOM never knew in our situation, so there was not that fear, at least after he left the state that we were in at that time. BUT, you can both get through this and intact too! Your H would NEVER be laughed at here, in fact would receive TONS of support! We won't push him to decide one way or the other, but WILL provide him with all the info to get through this.

Keep posting, keep loving your H, keep NC at NC! You slipped, but just don't let it happen again! You can make it through this one way or the other, but your best chances at saving your M are to put the M and your H FIRST.

Alas, I'm not sure that I have anything valuable to add to all of this but I was compelled to post. I'm not a success story or poster child but what I do have to offer is a possible view of where your husband could be in a year. At the time my wife had her affair we had been married 10 years and had 2 young children. I remember going to dinner on our 10 year anniversary as part of Plan A. Unfortunately, soon after she became pregnant. Where our situation is different is that I didn't have a vasectomy and there was a possibility that the child was mine. Ultimately, I was focused on saving our marriage not out of love for her (Can you really be in love with someone when they are having an affair?) but out of love for my family. I owed it to my boys. But enough about me, let's get to what made me want to type this.

Our decision was to have the baby. I don't need any applause from the anti-abortion crowd as the decision was not that I'm against abortion. In fact, there are bad days when I wonder if that may had been a better option. Please don't persecute me for that statement. It's just a statement of a random thought. I conceded to not abort because I was focused on saving our marriage and felt that our marriage wouldn't survive an abortion. I don't believe my wife would have gotten past it. Another difference is that we have always said that the OC was mine. We had agreed prior to going through with the pregnancy that I would control whether or not to find out. Unfortunately, that didn't play out and it was reasonably well confirmed that this child was not mine withing hours of the birth. Again, not one of my favorite moments in life. This child is now almost 8 months old and on the surface our lives are pretty normal. The world would believe that this child is ours just like our other two. I know that he's not but I don't treat him differently. I know we are part nature and part nurture. When people say how beautiful or smart he is I'm not sure that my chest puffs up quite the same as it would when I hear it about my other two. I am bonding with him. What I struggle with and may be this is where I can help is that so much of the work really falls on me. Affairs are nasty business because the one least hurt is the one most at fault. Perhaps that is where I can offer some advice. Yes it is possible to love another man's child as your own. I will but it will take time. Yes it is possible for a marriage to work after what I believe to be the ultimate sin has been commited against you. I believe in our marriage. My concern is that beyond just the external struggles of being emasculated are you confident in your husbands ability to handle more than either of you can fathom? It's a hard road. I'm a year down it and it still is an effort.

just testing

sorry to see this happening again. will we never learn?

first let me chime in on the abortion issue and for the record i am pro choice. i do however have a problem with abortion used as a form of birth control.

that said i believe that in these cases it is only the quick fix if BOTH h & w are not committed to rebuilding the marriage.

if you abort the baby and DON"T GO NO CONTACT w/ om it will most likely still lead to the disolvement of your M.

if you abort the baby and GO NO CONTACT w/ om your marriage may have a fighting chance IF BOTH YOU AND YOUR H work on and do the things neccesary to rebuild it. (ex: following the principles of this site)

if you keep the baby and DON"T GO NO CONTACT w/ om then your marriage in my opinionfrom what you have said of your h's attitude is doomed.

if you keep the baby and GO NO CONTACT, RIGHT AWAY< AND I MEAN NOW, TO ****** W/ OM, your marriage still has a good chance of survival depending on whether YOU are willing to follow the priciples of this site.

so as you can see and know there are many roads to tarvel and YOU are the one who has to take the 1st step.

now let me give you a quick background on my situation. i don't want to give you any false hope tho. tis is only what happened and is working for us. there are many facts that played into my decision such as age, # of com, health, financial future, w's attitude, and even whether the oc was a boy or girl.

i am raising a now 5yog oc. i like your h felt that abortion was the only answer. my w was in the typical big time fog of the 3 of us being one happy family. she didn't understand that i litterly wanted om dead.

she was intent on keeping the baby and i saw no way out other then divorce.

her A was with a coworker and lasted approx 2- 3 months.

what kept us together was that she changed jobs and went no contact and stayed that way for almost 2 1/2 years giving us a chance to heal from the initial shock and hurt that comes w/ tis situation.

it also gave me a chamce to bond w/ the baby which i honestly thought was going to be impossible.

now i want to tell you that there were and still are some huge bumps in teh road. they aren't nearly as frequent but they are still there.

i am not very computer savy so i can't tell you ho wto find them but i am sure that somewhere in the archives of tis site you can find my story and/or old posts. it may give you some insight as to what your h is feeling. my w also posted for awhile under the name of "fullhouse", she probably felt very similar to yourself. theose are most likely somewhere in the archives also.

KM,

I'm going to try to get a few links to my story and possibly Pops story as well. They are 2 sides of the coin, with a little more than a few years of wear and tear on them <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Tigger4jdt and Sailorman's beginnings

A little more indepth

Pops first post

So, there are 3 links to my H's first post, my first thread, and Pops first post. Pops W is fullhouse, so you can see her replies as well. I honestly don't know if going back and reading all that will help, as far as helping you make decisions and stuff, but it will help you see how the recovery trend goes from two different angles/situations. Most of the time, you can do searches for usernames, but sometimes they don't work. I tried to look up fullhouse, and it didn't work, but sailorman59 worked just fine. As for mine and pops, well, we have over 250, and that's usually as far back as the search will take you, is the latest 250 posts.

If you read the different threads, you will see that pops and sailormam59 aren't the only BH's who posted "way back in the day", that there were others who no longer post. I believe that if you click on their name in the thread, it will bring up that user's profile, where you can then click on the "most recent posts" which will then bring up up to 250 post for that users last posts.

Again, I urge you to see if your H will at least read here or the threads that I've linked for you. It will show him that he's not alone, and it is survivable.

Pops posts made me cry. Thank you all for taking the time to help me and being so supportive. You are the only people who are there for me right now.

My husband reminded me this morning after seeing an HPT commercial on TV that I HAVE to have the abortion or he will be moving out and he WILL be telling everyone what a w#(*e I am. He stated that he will put it on his van windows if he has to. I became livid with him and stated that I would do it if that would save him from the embarassment but that I will HATE him forever if this is what he makes me do and I that I can see this marriage falling apart in the next year because he knows how strongly I feel about NOT having an abortion.

Regardless of what I say, he is unwilling to change his mind, he is unwilling to try to raise this child as his own
(he has went so far as to call it names), he is also threatening to fight for custody of my daughter. He is unwilling to tell the pastor that we are taking marriage counseling with about the true situation so the man could fix the REAL problem. He is unwilling to believe that his actions for 3 years are what led to me having the damn affair in the first place.

Basically, I have to do what he wants or the marriage is over and he is going to make me look terrible to everyone including my children and family (who are very religious and will side with him anyway.)

I did call planned parenthood today to schedule an appt and they only return calls there. She did not anticipate that i would get a return call until Monday since today is the day that they run "that clinic". I am only 4w3d so I could not even get in until Friday 3-16-07 so I must endure 2 more weeks of ****** at home I guess.

Mood right now..... I HATE my husband, I hate my life and I feel like a prisoner stuck in this stupid marriage. I don't care if the last few weeks were good, I don't care if the next few years are good....right now I just HATE him. He spent the last 2 1/2 years ignoring me, not paying any attention to me...I told him 500 thousand times what I needed and he still didn't care. I even went so far as to tell the stupid man that I was going to give up on the marriage before I ever had the affair. Now all he does is cry and say I'm sorry but you have to have an abortion because you are going to ruin my life and embarrass my family and our kids because of what you have done. He doesn't give a flying hoot how I feel...it is all about him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Why not speak to the pastor yourself about the pregnancy and affair? You need spiritual guidance on this. Have you told anyone at the pregnancy center about this situation?

As for blaming your H for the A, sweetie that has to stop! Yes he contributed to the state of your marriage but until you stop blaming him for your choices there will be no healing in your M.

How is NC going? One day, one moment at a time ok?

My best friend suggested that I tell the pastor about the baby also, he already knows about the affair. No, I have not said a word to anyone at the center. They will look so negatively at me and I will not be able to volunteer there anymore if I do. Besides we are getting ready for a benefit tomorrow and now is not the time to tell them my problems. Of course I live in a small town and that is the only center I could go to anyway. UGH.

I didn't blame him for the affair until today. Today I blame him and I want him to know that I do. I want him to hurt like he has hurt me forever. I cannot possibly see where this marriage is going to go anywhere. I can't. I have hated being in it for so long and when I finally end the affair and try to be with my husband and things are going well, this pregnancy pops up. I seriously think that it's doomed. If I had a crystal ball I would say that I'll have the abortion and I will hate him for it, he's going to go back to being himself in a few weeks (because that is what he always does) and I will be right back where I started, hating my marriage and being alone again.

NC is not going at all today. But I hate him too today for getting me in this mess and going along with his merrily life. Who knows, maybe I am meant to get a divorce and just be with him. I'm not too sure of anything today.

Do you not think he IS hurting as much or MORE than you are? Look you have time to decide about the abortion. Do not make a hasty decision and please do not go speak to the PP people yet. Take this time to talk to your pastor. Pray..be on your knees in prayer for yourself, your marriage for your baby.

"" But I hate him too today for getting me in this mess and ""

Sorry to say this sweety,but you got your self in this mess!!

Your husband may not win the husband of the year award.But then again nither will you.

You really need to start taking ownersihp over your own situation...

Please read this carefully!!!



What to Do When You (or Your Spouse) Becomes
Pregnant with a Lover's Child
Letter #2

Dear Dr. Harley,

This afternoon my wife, Robin, gave me the most shocking revelation of my life. And she said she did it on your advice. So I am writing you for help. How should I handle this?

She told me that she had been unfaithful to me for about 3 years, and my 2 year old daughter is not mine. It is the daughter of her lover. I am devastated.

Robin has been the love of my life throughout our 12 year marriage, but has been very withdrawn from me these past five years. I did not understand what was happening to our marriage, but now I know. She says she broke off the relationship with him shortly after she became pregnant, and she wants us to work things out with me. But I don't sense any real remorse on her part. After she told me these horrifying details, she just walked out of the room. I need some reassurance that she really loves me and wants to be married to me.

I also need some advice regarding what we should eventually tell our daughter, and whether I should ever let her father see her. What are the chances that we can work this out? Please help!

M.G.

Dear M.G.,

It will take a few weeks for all of this to settle in, and during that time, your emotions will take you on a roller-coaster. I recommend that you see your doctor as soon as possible and tell him about your crisis. He may be willing to prescribe an anti-depressant medication for you to help you cope with the shock of these revelations. You need to be as intelligent as possible, and this is no time to let your emotions make decisions for you.

There are two rules that guide marriages to safety and enjoyment. They are the Policy of Radical Honesty and the Policy of Joint Agreement. The Rule of Honesty is radical. It requires couples to be completely honest with each other, and your wife has taken the first step in applying that rule to her marriage with you -- she has chosen to be honest with you about the affair and the paternity of her daughter. It may be the first time since you have been married that she has made herself so vulnerable. Use this information wisely, and don't hurt her, even though she has hurt you deeply. You have a very good chance of making the best of what could be a tragic situation. You can create a marriage that will not only survive this, but thrive.

But honesty takes you only so far in marriage. While it helps get the facts out on the table, you must make wise decisions once the facts are known. That's why the Policy of Joint Agreement is as important as honesty. I feel that a decision agreed upon enthusiastically by you and your wife is more likely to be wise than any decision that one of you finds troublesome. So as you and Robin wrestle with these difficult problems, don't make any decision until you have considered enough alternatives to find one that meets with your enthusiastic agreement.

The first decision you will face is whether or not to continue being married at all. Your wife's affair is bad enough, but now you are faced with the prospect of raising someone else's child. It may sound strange for you to apply the Policy of Joint Agreement to the issue of whether or not to be married. You may think that it is for you and you alone to decide. But you are not divorced yet, and your wife has valuable wisdom to inject into your thinking. Her perspective may contain some of the most important information you will need to help you make an enthusiastic decision, so don't ignore it.

You are wondering if Robin really loves you and wants to be married to you? And you wonder why she doesn't seem to feel any remorse? Those questions would be answered as you discuss your future together in an effort to find enthusiastic agreement. Once you reach a joint agreement, you will understand her in a way that you never have in the past. That's the way enthusiastic agreement works. It's only possible when you understand each other.

There are many important issues to consider in deciding your future together. If your daughter were your only child, and if your wife were still in love with her ex-lover, who happened to be single and wanted to marry her, I would lean toward encouraging you to divorce. But since she is the mother of your two children, no longer loves her ex-lover, and wants to save her marriage, I would encourage you to remain married and raise all three children together.

There are many considerations that tug at a decision to marry or divorce, and as you discuss them with your wife you will probably find a clear answer that gains your mutual and enthusiastic agreement.

If you decide to remain married and create a mutually enjoyable future together, then the next decision you will need to make is how to treat Robin's former lover. Should he become a part of your family, with visitation rights as well as financial responsibility for raising his daughter? Or should he be out of your lives entirely?

As with the issue of divorce, this one should also be decided by enthusiastic agreement. But if you want my advice, I usually encourage a couple in your situation to keep the ex-lover away from your family. It may be difficult to engineer, but it is very important for Robin to try to avoid seeing or talking to him ever again. Granted, the affair may be over, but I am always concerned about the possibility of it becoming rekindled. If, for some reason, it is impossible to keep him away from his daughter, I suggest that you act as an intermediary, so that whenever he visits, he does not see or talk to Robin.

Another very difficult issue is whether or not to tell your daughter who her real father is. Again, I suggest that you reach an enthusiastic agreement before you make a decision. The Policy of Radical Honesty applies only to a husband and wife, and not necessarily to children. While I tend to value honesty in all situations, if you and Robin can enthusiastically agree to deceive your child about her real father, it's up to you.

But if you want my advice, I would encourage you to be honest with Robin's daughter very early in life, so that there are no surprises later. I think it's more important for her to know she can trust what you say, than that she thinks you are her real father. Eventually, she is likely to know the truth anyway, and if she was consistently told that she was your daughter, the truth might undermine her trust of you. Regardless of who her genetic father may be, you will be the father that cares for her most for the rest of her life, and she will know that about you as you raise her into adulthood.

Once you make these decisions, you have many more decisions to make, but they can all strengthen your relationship with Robin if they follow the Policy of Joint Agreement. While your situation is tragic, if you make wise decisions regarding your future, you will minimize the damage. And your new way to make decisions will greatly improve your lifestyle and marriage, improvement you have needed very badly.

KM,

Speak with your pastor about this. Also, consider telling your family. Often times people try to run, try to hide, bad things, when in fact the most effective but short term painful is telling the truth.

I believe you are correct, that even if you abort this child, your H will not change. If he does change it will be because HE decides to, not because you did something to make him.

What you need is support and guidance. Your minister, your family, and yes even his family could provide that if they well. What you have to do first is find out if they can and will offer you support and guidance. The only way to do that is tell them what is happening. Ask their forgiveness, and for their insights. If they pull away and don't support you, even if they surely will not approve your choices, then you know that support is not to be found there.

You are assuming that although these people will surely not approve of what you have done, they also will not offer you guidance and help. It may be true, but you may be very very wrong. You need to find out. Start with your minister. He cannot address what he does not know.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Okay...I have had my chance to vent and I am feeling levelheaded again.

Marcus- You are correct I did get myself into this mess. Plain and simple. I was the one who chose to marry my H knowing he has never been attentative and I should have dealt with it better than having an affair. As a christian woman I knew better than having sex outside of marriage and now I face the consequences of my actions. As lovely as they may be. UGH.
I also agree that I will not be getting any wife of the year awards.


JL,
Would you say something in front of him (my husband) at the next session? I hate to call him from my work, as they have no clue what is going on and I don't want to tip them off.

My family will not understand. My own mother has never been there for me. My mom was emotionally abusive to me and I struggle to have a relationship with her even now. She was mad when she found out that I was pregnant with my daughter and I was married. She is a very very very negative person and she is not someone who I could go to. My dad lives with her and would not be of any help either. My grandmother would just scold me for being a "bad girl" and besides she is in her 80's and doesn't need to be worrying about this nonsense. I do not have anyone in my family to go to.

His family is NOT an option as a support system. You see my husband does no wrong. He is the baby of the family and he is perfect in their eyes. Even when he was in his early 20's and into drugs and alcohol...he was perfect. My MIL is like that with all of her "blood".

You may be right though, I may be wrong.

Well, my H is calling me now.

Im sorry i a came a cross as harsh

Marcus,
You weren't harsh. You were being honest and gave me your honest opinion. I need that.... I really do. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

KM, I have no family that understands why I would stay with my H after all this. People that have not walked in your shoes cannot understand. People here can help you, your pastor can help you and you would be wise to find an accountability partner to keep you on the straight and narrow.

another test

whatever you choose to do.Dont assume your husband
will or can suck it up,to deal with OC.

There lot of guys on this site who has successfully managed
an OC,and live happy life.Am saying this because it feels that a few posters here is trying to give that impression to you,

That once the OC is born after a while everything going to be happy and dandy..That is rarely the case.Only a small portion of men has it with in them selfs do manage it..

Its doable,but as a say, its more likley to end up in a divorce. One thing you can do! Ask your brother if you have one.Or a really good male friend what they would do,and react to your husbands situation..That can help ,in the way

that it gives you an insight how somebody close to you would react...

Im not a big fan of abortions ,so if you are going to do it. do it because you wont it ,not because you DH wants it.

I beg to differ, Marcus. In MY offers of help, I am trying to help her to make a decision that I think she is being FORCED into. I told her of the OTHER OPTION of adoption, and I DO know how hard that choice is, but it's MUCH easier to deal with than what I truly believe she WILL go through if she does get an abortion! For goodness sake, she works at a place that counsels AGAINST abortion, and she's considering getting one! Look at what its doing to her just contemplating it! Go back and read where she talks about the fact that there is a HEART BEAT at 6 weeks gestation. I TRULY don't feel that she will be able to live with it if that is her choice.

I also don't think that getting an abortion would really make her H happy. I think her H has some issues of his own that have NOTHING to do with the A. I can understand loving a child but to the point where the child is MORE important than your spouse, there's something wrong there. I have issues with it whether the spouse is the H or the W. In a M, and if you are Christians, as is KM, the order of priority should be God first, H/W second, Children third.

I would also like to see where we have said that it would be all find and dandy down the road? I did the searches to show here where my H and I were when we first posted. I did the search to show where Pops was when he first posted. It's VERY important to see what other's have gone through. As I said, I don't think that and abortion is going to help this M, and that if her H doesn't wish to raise this child, it's NO excuse to wipe it from the face of the earth. This woman has very clearly stated that she is a Christian, and that she herself cousels other women about abortion. I THINK she is having great difficulty with what her H is, in essence, forcing her to do. He has not set a boundary, he has set an ultimatum.

So, yes, I did take offence that you said, "There lot of guys on this site who has successfully managed
an OC,and live happy life.Am saying this because it feels that a few posters here is trying to give that impression to you,

That once the OC is born after a while everything going to be happy and dandy..That is rarely the case.Only a small portion of men has it with in them selfs do manage it.."
Go back and read what my H went through! It wasn't all fine and dandy! BUT, before I go any further, I will go back and read YOUR experience with this.

KM,

Please, for your own sake, TALK TO THE PASTOR! Just because you did this does NOT forever make you a bad person. What would forever make you a bad person because of this is if you never change your ways and continue down that path. There are other avenues to take, other than abortion. I just really don't think THAT is the right one for you. Or your H, once he gets past his anger. He will see what he has done to you and blame himself for forcing you to go through with it. If your H is SO against raising this child, seriously consider adoption! Before you go on the, "But what will other's like those at church think", well, no matter which decision you choose, they are still going to be there, if they are what a church family should be. They should be supportive to those who have turned their lives in the direction they should be going. If you have asked forgiveness of this sin, you have received it, and THAT is what matters. Now, as I said above, if you continue down the wrong path, THAT is when the church should react the way that you think they will. AND, if you are so worried about what other's think if you have this child, regardless of whether you keep it or place it up for adoption, how do you think they would react if they find out you had an abortion. AND think what that secret, if you go through with the abortion, will do to you, trying to keep it from everyone! Wondering if it's going to come out, you won't feel right counseling other young women in similar situations, what if your other children find out about it, what if you D anyway, and out of anger, your H tells everyone that not only did you have the A, but you had an ABORTION as well!

You are really stuck between a rock and hard place here. Yes, it seems that you are d*&^d if you do and d*&^d if you don't. I stick to my original advice, NC with OM, with H helping you write the letter. Counseling AND the pastor HAS to know the full story. Your H doesn't want you to say anything to the pastor BECAUSE he KNOWS the pastor would frown on your H's ultimatum, and advise against it. I think you should talk to the pastor by yourself. Tell him of the P, because he CAN'T help you guys if he doesn't know the WHOLE truth! Secrets and hiding things is what got you where you are today! Work with your pastor to figure out HOW to get past this point and save your M. If your H tries the, "Have the abortion or I will D you and get full custody of our D" it's mostly angry words. He may still D you, but it is very rare, the cases that the H retains full custody just because of an A. It has to be proven that you are an unfit mother, in the light of abuse and neglect, or safety of the child. So, I say that you need to talk to an unbiased person(pastor) about what you can do here. I forget, have you gotten any of the books recommended here? Is your pastor familuar with the concepts? POJA is such a HUGE one, and if it can be learned and implamented the correct way, you will never be unsure about the choices made together and how they will affect your M.

I pray that your H comes around, and you can decide what to do together. I truly feel, from your previous posts, that having the abortion won't be a fix, or band aid to your situation, but another bullet wound, which will drain the life blood from your M! I don't think that you, yourself, will be able to live with that choice. Now, you need to see how you can work together and with the pastor to fix what's broken. You have 8 months to do so, and then more choices need to be made. 8 months to work to try to save your M. Yes, the P WILL show eventually, but hopefully by then, you guys will have gotten to a point where your H is either accepting of the child, or you have decided on adoption(whether the OM wants to retain full custody, or you can choose a couple who are unable to have ANY children), and just take the cues from that point on.

No one can predict HOW things will end up, BUT, it has been done. You also need to consider that you aren't giving your H an ultimatum that he raise this baby or else. It needs to be decided together, with POJA(policy of joint agreement, read up on it), what you will do from this point on. If you truly feel you CANNOT have an abortion, discuss it with your H. Use the POJA to decide what you will do. Maybe even print out the different concepts to share with your pastor and he can help you two implement them.

I got on a roll here, and I hope it has helped. I don't have time to proof read, as I need to go get myself ready for the busy day ahead. I will check in through out the day, but know that I'm here for you if you need me. The ONLY things I HAVEN'T been through is an abortion or divorce, so I'VE BEEN THERE!

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{KM}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

KM
I don't know how to box your quotes so I'll just try to address them. I know that you are in a lot of pain right now. You have some very serious decisions to make.
YOU had the affair and didn't take precautions. YOU are pregnant, do you have any venereal diseases??? Your husbands behaviors prior to your affair do NOT justify your affair. YOU have caused the most painful event that can occur to someone. We all used to think an affair was the most painful. Guess what, an affair producing a B****** is. Those of us betrayed do not think protectively of this OC you carry. It is like the red A patch from history which screams, I'm not good enough for my spouse, see how much they hate me? how little they think of me? how little they think of our children?
How can the BS possibly be kind or supportive at this point? They are going through H***! And it feels like it will never end. This OC cements the fact that it will be visually in their life forever!
So, when your husbands is not kind in his description of YOUR OC, you need to understand that for me with NC it has taken 18 months to be able to view this child as innocent. (I am not an evil person, I'm the one everyone else turns to for support and help. I'm the thoughtful, intelligent giver.) I prayed that the OW and her child would die in a car accident constantly for over a year. I still would like to receive that news, but I also know now that I would have tremendous guilt for wishing it on the OC (None for OW).
Your H does not want the humiliation he would feel if any one found out. There are only eight people in my life who know about this OC. (3 Dr's, 1 lawyer, 3 friends, and my brother).
You have to decide if you can live with yourself if you abort. If you can't then don't do it. You must decide if you are going to fight for your M and your existing children's family life. If you cannot abort, then can you avoid humiliating your husband with your pregnancy until you could adopt? If you gave birth, could you adopt???
Your pregnancy requires you to think about you. However, D-day and the time afterward is NOT about you. It is about the BS and their needs, How can they heal? What do they need to heal? The marriage cannot heal if they can't. The BS, unfortunately is required by the WS to tread on eggs to save their marriage in the beginning because of the wonderful fog that WS wander around in, feeling that they have to jusitfy their inappropriate behavior by blaming the BS in the first place. (Not always the case, but frequently from the postings here).
Best of Luck with your decisions, they will be difficult and you will second guess them many times. Maintain NO CONTACT whatsoever with OM (he will just confuse you) and do what you must for you, the OC, your COM and your Marriage.

Sorry I haven't posted. It was a long weekend for us, not necessarly a good one either.
Tigger,
Thank you for your post. I truly think that you are able to see and understand my situation having been there before. Planned parenthood called me back yesterday and I went ahead and scheduled the appt. I have until March 16 to make a decision on what to do. I don't think that this is going to fix anything, if anything it will just be the icing on the cake to crumble what is left apart. I'm not there anymore (emotionally). I am not wearing my ring and emotionally I'm not in the marriage anymore. As I have stated many times, I have to take responsibility for my actions and I'm willing to do that. However, there are reasons why I got into the situation that I did. It wasn't because I didn't try to work my marriage out, I did. I had exhausted all of my options. As far as the pregnancy it was obviously not something that I intended to happen. (I know, I know...I didn't do enought to prevent it though, huh) I almost emailed the pastor yesterday but then I chickened out. I am so afraid that everyone is going to turn against me for what I have done.
How did you deal with your inlaws, children and anyone else who knew the truth about the baby? I know that my MIL will flip out on me. She is the one who watches my daughter so this will be worse than ****** for me if she found out. In her eyes, her son is perfect so she will understand and she will hold this grudge against me for the rest of my natural life.
FTS,
I'm sorry for your situation. It really sounds like you are hurting a lot still.
No, we do not have any std's. I have only been with my husband in 5 years and was tested prior to getting married and trying to get pregnant "just in case". The guy that I had the affair with has only been with 2 people since me. (We lived together 10 years ago for almost 3 years). One was the girl he married after we broke up and the other was a girl that he dated for two years after he got divorced. (She had been married for a number of years). The risk was low but testing was a requirement for our relationship. So we were responsible about that one.
As far as my husband being hurt and humiliated. I appreciate that he probably is. Remember, he didn't want a marriage with me any longer..that is why I had the affair. Now that he is seeing I was serious about moving on and no longer begging for him to love me, now he is wanting to salvage the marriage. I don't think it has anything to do with loving me all of the sudden, maybe I am wrong but I think it has more to do with not losing some kind of game.

"" maybe I am wrong but I think it has more to do with not losing some kind of game."" Well my friend if that is what you honestly belive, Whats left? if it is what you firmly belive

then its probably for the best to walk..

So, does the above mean that your H now wishes to work on your M? Where does he stand in regards to the baby now? I ask this because if he is willing to at least let you continue the P, WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS AFTER THAT? Where do things stand right now? Think about this, you are SO new to the boards, and trying to figure if you can salvage your M or not. You haven't even said anything about the NC letter, what you have learned in regards to POJA or Plans A/B. WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO TRY TO SAVE YOUR M???? You are fence sitting and if there's one thing I can't stand, it's a fence sitter. You are trying to decide which side is better for YOU, and be d^*#d who you hurt in the process. If you truly don't want to remain with your H, then stop making excuses, and give him the D, otherwise, stop looking in the mirror of pitty and start repairing your M!

I am being harsh because you have YET to make a decision of whether you even want to stay M'd! One day you do, and the next, you've already given up! THAT is NOT the heart of someone who wishes to stay M'd, just to save her own face. Let me put it this way, no matter what your choice is, you WILL have to live with what you've done FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. And, you can pretty much know that other's will find out! Make up your mind, do you really wish to remain M'd to your H or not? Let me know so if you choose yes, I can help you as much as possible. If it's no, then good luck in life.

KM,

Your situation is heartbreaking and I feel so much for what you are going through. PLEASE listen to Tigger!!! She is very wise. You are in an extremely emotional state and that is not a good state to make permanent life decisions from. Tigger's is a "calmer head" right now. Lean on her, please.

You mention taking responsibility for your actions. Might I suggest that the responsibility of pregnancy is not abortion. The responsibility of pregnancy is parenthood. Abortion is paying money to get rid of the responsibility of parenthood. Sorry if that sounds harsh but I really believe that.

I too have worked in a crisis pregnancy center and I have seen the devastation that abortion can reak on people and relationships. I think we have at least a strong consensus here that abortion will not solve your problem. Please don't let any man (and I am one) pressure you into this. Abortion is not a choice it is a decision. A choice you can change your mind on after the fact. A decision is final and can never be retrieved.

My first child was an unintended pregnancy while unmarried. Everyone in my then girlfriend's circle of influence was pressuring her to have an abortion but I convinced her to have the baby and get married. We are now married 8 years with three beautiful children. Ours isn't a perfect marriage but everyone involved including those who pushed for an abortion are so glad for the three little ones now in their lives that would never have been if my now wife had aborted our first child.

Your situation is obviously much tougher than mine. Most women in crisis pregnancies don't want an abortion. They feel totally alone and just want someone to support them. To that end I really don't think you are giving your pastor or your pregnancy center co-workers enough respect as compassionate, caring people. They have chosen to do what they do because they are not judgemental and they are compassionate and caring. Please overcome your hesitations and fear and reach out to them. I think you will be very pleasantly surprised.

Have you heard of "The Nurturing Network"? It is a nationwide network of good people ready to help you with counseling, pre-natal and post-natal support, job/career counseling and placement. They will even go so far as to help you move and find a new job for you if it comes to that. Whatever you need to help you feel supported in a practical way, they are there for that purpose.

Please keep posting here. Listen to Tigger. Please consider having this baby. He or she may turn out to be the best thing to come out of this situation. Give your baby and yourself a chance. I will be in church this very day praying for you. Believe me there are people here and in your circle who really do care and want to help.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

rj

[color:"green"] It's hard to be in a marriage where you are being yelled at all the time. No, abortion is not what I want. It is what my husband wants and it is what I have to do to stay in my marriage. Isn't that what everyone wants me to do...stay in the marriage and do what he wants. I get conflicting advice on here....stay in the marriage, don't let him push me around. What in the world I am supposed to do?
No, I was not worried about what people were going to think about me when I was with the OM. My marriage was over. My husband didn't want a wife.

I have never said that my actions weren't my fault. I have said MANY times that I take responsibilty for my actions, they were mine and I have to. Again, to FIX the marriage I HAVE to have an abortion. Plain and simple. No if's ands or buts.... He is NOT going to change his mind. So what in the ****** I am supposed to do. Have the freaking thing to save the marriage or not? I'm so freaking confused and mad after coming here. Remember, you all got yourselves in the same "mess" I am in and if you didn't get yourself in the same mess you are living it on the other side. I came here for advice, not to be treated like crap. I can get that at home, thank you.
As far as the NC letter and everything else on here. He is NOT willing to do that at this point. It's hard to do it without him. It is in my best interest to shut my mouth at home and go with the flow of the moment.
As far as trying to decide what situation is better. It is between having my child or not to keep my marriage. Of course it also involves embarrassing my family. Not everyone understands that we are called to witness NOT to judge. It has nothing to do with anyone else. It is a hard decision to make.[/color]

Bad day, huh kaelinmom? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Frustrated, angry, confused, life in turmoil,,yep. We've all been there. Not a fun place to be. Read your thread over again, from start to finish and I think you'll see alot more support, good suggestions and constructive advice than you realize. Yes, there's a couple of negative comments but those are usually from people that speak of what "they WOULD do IF they were faced with the same problems." And we all know the REALITY of the situation, when it's YOURS is a whole lot different than it was when you only IMAGINED how you'd feel.

Kaelinmom, no one is telling you that you HAVE to or even that you SHOULD save the marriage. That is a choice only you can make. It sounds as though there were some fairly serious problems prior to the affair. Not all marriages can be nor should be saved. That is your & your H's decision. All we are saying is don't make rash decisions while you are so confused without giving it some SERIOUS thought. And IF you DO WANT to save your marriage, it MAY be possible to do so using MB proven methods.If you want to try that, we are here to help.

That also includes the decision to have an abortion. DON'T do it to "save" your marriage, to "keep" your H, if it is not what YOU PERSONALLY want to do. It's a life. Can you live with YOURSELF if you choose to do that? It doesn't sound like it from your previous posts. We don't have the answer for you. You'll have to find that answer within yourself.

And the OM? Leave him out of this right now. You need to concentrate on YOU! What you want, your future for you, your children and your marriage.

Kaelinmom, stick around. Work through this making the wisest choices possible. Don't allow a few comments to run you away. This is your place for help and advice also. If a poster attacks you, notify the moderator. That shouldn't happen. This is your safe place too.

"No, abortion is not what I want. It is what my husband wants and it is what I have to do to stay in my marriage."

I've been keeping up with your story, but haven't posted, because I haven't been in your situation, and it would be crazy to think I know what you are going through.

However, I HAVE had an abortion that my husband insisted on. The baby was his. I never believed in abortion and it was EXTREMELY hard. It was an abusive marriage, and I had two other children to consider.

My husband was out of work, and I had a job offer as a pipefitter. I didn't feel like I could show up at work pregnant. Husband wanted me to get the abortion, so I did.

This happened 21 years ago, and I have never forgiven myself for that choice. At the time, I felt like there was no other choice, and like I was ending one life to make a better life for my other children.

But it was a huge mistake for me. The marriage didn't last another year. I was very resentful toward my husband, and ended up divorcing him anyway. I am still working at the job I took, and it turned out that things COULD have worked out.

This is a hard decision, but I hope that you will not do something against your beliefs to try to save your marriage.

KM,

The only reason it seems that everyone wants you to save your M is that when you first came here, that's what YOU wanted to do. As I said in my other post, you are flipping back and forth, showing "symptoms" of a "fence sitter". Basically either afraid to make a choice or waiting to see which side is better. Let me tell you, at this point, neither one is better. What concepts have you read here? Have you read about the Policy of Joint Agreement, Radical Honesty, LB(both love banks and love busters), Plan A/B? From all the info you've given us, you are NOT working with your H in POJA about the abortion. This is the one time I "believe" in the right to choose. In a situation like this, your H is only thinking of himself, not what it will do to you, not what happens to the child. Read, and re-read Believer's post to you. I truly feel that is how you will end up! Getting an abortion won't "fix" anything, if anything it will creat even MORE of a wound than is already there. It is just trying to cover up what is wrong in the first place.

I am sorry if you feel I was attacking, but I felt that you were beginning to have that pitty party that just keeps you in your depression! I see where you say you know that you did this, but then you go in the next sentence and say that you did this because your H was neglecting you. THAT is where I see you NOT owning your actions in all this. You are placing your bad actions at the feet of your H. In almost every paragraph you talk about how other's will see you, you also talk about how it's your H's way or the highway. I see here, that your H wishes to control you. THAT is NOT the way to be in a M either.

I think, and other's who know a little better than myself...feel free to correct me, that your H is displaying passive agressive behavior, and is being emotionally abusive towards you. He needs to stop that if he wishes to remain M'd to you. He is being demanding, unbending, and to me that is abusive. He refuses to listen to you for anything. This isn't just a child he wishes you to abort, but IMHO, your mental state as well! Everything YOU are about is AGAINST abortion, yet he is forcing you to do it. He refuses to talk about any other option so you think that's all you can do. It's YOUR body, and YOU have the right to say NO to the abortion. I personally feel, the more you open up here, that you will end up as Believer did, getting the abortion, and the M ends anyway, leaving you where?

I think you need to see what your options are, other than abortion. I know, if you don't have it, H will D you. Well, what are the state laws regarding all that? I know that in my state, there is a 1 year, yes 1 YEAR period between filing and finalizing a D! There are many rules regarding P before D is filed, check it out. You also NEED to read the concepts here. Work them to work with your situation. Your H's pain is still so raw, and from your other info of the relationship prior to this, you were treated in this way for at least the last 3 years, where your H has placed your D as more important than you or the M. THAT is where the healing needs to begin. What has the pastor said about how to deal with that issue? I STILL think you NEED to talk to the pastor about this P as well! BECAUSE, regardless of whether you get the abortion or not, if you don't deal with that, it will be a sore that festers and infects the rest of your life! You HAVE to deal with it, PERIOD! I just feel that you are laying down and becoming a doormat because you feel it's the only way to gain your H's trust back, but you will never get respect that way! Respect is a vital ingredient in any M! It's missing, IMHO, on BOTH sides of YOUR M.

I am not trying to "attack" you, I'm trying to get you to open your eyes to your situation and how it looks to others on the outside looking in. Regardless as to your final decision, DON'T go away because of me. I tend to be more "agressive" when I see someone laying down and taking it because they feel it is the only way. We were not created to be doormats, but help mates! That means equal in a M! Your H is treating you like a doormat, and you need to recognize that and either fix it, or get out of the M. Your pastor CAN'T help you if he doesn't know the whole story. I am trying to help, not hurt you. Please see it that way, and keep posting.

Tig,

I hope you didn't get the impression I was referring to YOUR posts as "attacks." I certainly wasn't!!

I am so glad to see you are helping kaelinmom by giving her suggestions and advice from all angles and alternatives.

Nearly,

Don't worry, I didn't feel that way, but it did make me think that SHE might have felt that way. I was quite harsh in my help prior to your post. I just want her to see that she needs to just make a choice, and one that she can live with. I truly feel that if she chooses to abort, that it will destroy her life.

Thank you for your concern, but I've developed quite a thick skin of late, and if I don't appreciate someone's comments to me, well, if it continues to bug me, I "ignore" them.

KM,

Tigger is only frustrated because she cares. Please take what she says in that spirit. She is right on when she says that you need to decide what you want. If you want to save this marriage then NC with OM is an absolute. I have been the OM in an EA with NC thrust on me. It is not easy but it is necessary to save a marriage. On the other hand if you decide to move on from your H and get a D then I think NC with OM becomes a non-issue. But you have to decide upfront.

That said, Nerly is also right in saying that not all marriages can/should be saved. It sounds like it is (and was even prior to the A and P) a pretty volatile situation and frankly a potentially dangerous one for someone who is P.

Only you can decide what you want. But you need to decide now. You will never hit a target that isn't there. Once you decide there are many good people here to help and support you. But the first step is your and yours alone.

Please contemplate Believer's post as you decide. I fear that will be your destiny if you decide to abort what you seem to acknowledge is an innocent life in all of this. I fear abortion will destroy any chance you have to truly save your M. You will only end up hating your H for "making" you do this and you'll end up getting D anyway.

Remember the right way in relationships and in life is rarely the easy way. But it is the best way to ensure long-term success in all areas of your life.

Stay here please. Please don't go away.

rj

If you don't want to abort, please do not do it just to please your H. It will haunt you and there is no guarantee he will get over it. I am getting this awful vision of you aborting then your H saying, good, now I plan to divorce you anyway.

And as far as what other people think, who cares? You might be the hot topic for a little bit, but something new will happen and you'll be old news in no time. And as far as him suing for custody of your children, keep your nose clean and don't move out and leave them (COM) with him. He will have to prove you unfit. I don't know where you live, but in a lot of states an A doesn't make you lose custody of your kids.

You don't sound at all happy in this M. Think really hard before you make any decisions regarding carrying this child.

{{KM}}

This is a little old but what happened?

If you really despise your husband so much, why even worry about his opinion on the child? Sounds like your marriage is over regardless. You think he will be able to forget the affair and move on? It sounds like he won't be able to and your relationship will be dead anyways. He wants you to get rid of the first thing that bothers him immensely. Once that is gone, he'll focus on the other things and the affair as a whole. You said he is a great father but a terrible husband I guess? You can't be a good role model to children being a nasty husband.

Generic- I popped in here and saw that you were inquiring about what happened with me.

I decided to try to fix my marriage and so I had an abortion on March 9. I ended the relationship with the ex and began focusing only on my husband and children.

Now, my husband has pretty much resorted to being the same as he was before he discovered the affair. We were doing marriage counseling with another pastor and he was supposed to go a few weeks by himself to deal with his issues without me being there to hear what he has to say about me. He went once and then no showed and never rescheduled. Now, he is a little more attentive but not much. Things are the same except I have to deal with crappy comments about me being a tramp and how I'm going to burn in ****** on top of what I dealt with before. But, what should I expect?

So, the only thing I have accomplished thus far was covering my "secret" and saving my family the embarassment of my scandal by having the abortion. Now I have a terrible time dealing with it, especially when I do ultrasounds on women who are as far along as I would have been.
I did see that the baby was buried and so I spend my really bad moments there asking both him and God for forgiveness.

A week ago the ex went on a date with another girl and I was absolutely devasted. I broke NC and called to express my feelings about him "dating" so soon after our situation. (Like I have any right to delegate his life, right.) Anyway, he did respect my wishes and told the woman that he had unresolved issues in his private life that he needed to take care of before allowing himself to become involved with her. He asked that she respect his privacy at this time.

So, I am back to square one I guess. : (

Ok, I was gonna type out this whole long thing, but all I have to say is I'm sorry you chose to go through with the abortion, I don't feel you really did end things with your ex, and until you do, you will get no where in your M. You need to make the choice and stick with it. If your ex is SO important that YOU feel offended that "so soon" he is on a date, well, I honestly don't blame your H, regardless if he knows of the broken NC or not. He probably senses where your feelings lay, and that's why you still get the nasty comments.

RN Mom,

I don't know if you will ever check back to read this, but I did want to drop a note of love, support, and blessing for you. You made several excruciating choices, they were NOT unwise ones, and I honor them and see the good that will come from them.

It doesn't get much press, but are you aware that about 40-45% women in America have had at least one abortion by the time they are 45? This is not a happy statistic, but it is a correct one. Imagine the kind of grief that is wandering out and about in the world, when thinking about that figure <sigh>

1) It would have been nearly impossible to continue to repair your marriage, where your living children were being raised, if this child had been born (to your husband's anger and resentment).

2) You could probably have expected interference in your family life from the other man at some time in the future, and it would have been nearly impossible to excoriate him (the OM), without your husband's willingness to unconditionally lovingly raise the baby, because there would always have been that element missing in the child's life.

3) In the event that the destabilized marriage failed (or should it do so in the future), having a little baby would have put you in a weaker position to provide for yourself and your family. And the marriage was not in strong standing to begin with.

Truly, my heart goes out to you and all of your losses. Godspeed.

Hello everyone not sure if this chat thread is still active... but I've been married 7yrs and the last 3 have just been ******... I have 3 children 6, 4, and a newborn and the newborn is the reulst of an affair.. my H and I just found out in the beginning of june, we had a DNA test done. Well back in Feb my H was relocated for work from CA to OR so he has been living in OR every since, it's been about 6 months. Up until the baby was born he would travel back and forth to visit us at least every 3 to 4 weeks.. during that time of course things were extremely ruff but we continued to have a sexual relationship and I never knew were I stood but was trying so hard to make things right i took anything I could get...during the last year I have healed so much Got my life straight/right with god and made some major changes..... The plan was always for us, regardless of the results to move out to Oregon after the baby was born so that the kids could be near him so now the kids and I have moved to OR as well and it's been awful since the moment we got here.. as to be expected he his very angry and just acts like he hates me... and now the last year of me changing and repenting for myself and my family has been wiped away in his eyes and now he wants a divorce... 2 days after the result he decided thats it so...now my question is I know I have to let him go but does this mean I need to let go completely or is it still ok to have faith and hope for my family? or is this setting myself up for more heart ache... help... i feel so lost and alone..

I had not been here since my last post but something compelled me to come here and after reading the new posts I am so glad that I listened to myself.

I have been on a roller coaster the past nine months but my husband and I are recovering from the affair. I was a little ticked at Tigger following my last post. Not because of what she posted but because she was right. I had not completely ended contact with the ex and she was right on target when she said that. Then, I was angry with myself for not having the will power to end the emotional part of the affair, I was mad that my husband wouldn't let it go, and I was frusturated that the ex wouldn't just go away and let it end.

I'm happy to announce that I have succeeded in NC with the OM since June. This is a huge step for me and I pleased with myself for making it this long. The OM is still constantly trying to get my attention by passing me purposely and emailing but I continue to ignore him. At first it was hard for me to let things end but now it is much easier.

I'm able to see that my husband's comments are warranted and I just need to allow him to grieve and vent the way he knows how. I have opened my eyes and see that he is the man who loves me unconditionally and who I want to share my life with.

Sure, I enjoyed the excitement and thrill of the affair, but it is much better to spend my life with a man who may not be the best lover but loves and respects me rather than one who does not.

Massiel, I am so sorry that you find yourself in the position that you are in. This is a wonderful place to post and receive advise. Listen to it. People here care enough to help you through your trials, take their advice. Your husband is hurt and showing you in the only way that he knows how. I hope that you are able to find peace with your situation. I know it is not a fun place to be.

I wish that I could go back to that day in September when I received the initial contact from my ex. He was NOT the person that I thought I loved and missed all of those years. I regret that I put that much emotion into missing him and not concentrating on more important issues in my life. I really messed up royally.

Tigger, thank you for your tough love. I needed that. I plan on periodically posting on here in another topic. I do NOT want to relapse and I know that you all are a wonderful support system to help me achieve this goal.

I am clapping for you! Please, please keep us updated on your progress. Are you and H working the MB program?

Update:

Things are still going really well with my husband and I. I can honestly say that our marriage is the best it has ever been. We still have issues agreeing upon how to raise our daughter but it is nothing like how it was before.

He is now working for a company where he travels several days a week and I honestly think that his job has strengthened our marriage. I really miss him terribly while he is away and can't wait for him to get home.

Several months ago we started going back to church and God is really working in our lives. Praise Him for that, the lack of Him was really evident and I was in total shambles. I still am not where I was prior to the A,but things are looking much much better.

I started seeing a psychiatrist late last year and was diagnosed with Manic Depressive Disorder. That was something that I suspected I had for several years but was too embarrassed to seek treatment for. I am now on medicine and my household says that I am much better to live with. I think much more rationally and am much more patient.

I do still mourn the baby I aborted. That is something I still highly regret and something I anticipate I will deal with for a very long time.

As for the OM, I no longer struggle with NC. He doesn't really attempt to contact me too much anymore. But on the occasions when he drives past me and waves, I turn my head. After our "relationship" ended, he was in a relationship with another married woman and has destroyed her marriage also. Now that her husband is divorcing her I have heard that he (my OM) has moved on to someone else. I really feel sorry for her and her family. She wasn't strong enough to get away from him before it was too late.

rnmom,

I am glad that you are still on the road of recovery. It's never an easy road, but if you stay on target, you will get through any bumps or twists. I am glad that my last post to you was taken as it was meant. I am sorry that you are still in pain over your lost child, but keep your faith in God and He will help soothe that pain. It is sad when the OP proves us right, because that means just that many other lives that will be harmed and families ruined. I'm just glad that you, like myself, came to your senses and are now walking that path that will not lead you wrong.

As for your issues of agreeing on how to raise your DD, well, have you worked together on the POJA? It can really work wonders. If you haven't already, look it up and work with your DH to come to an enthusiastic agreement together.

Thanks for your update, and I wish you the best.