This is the first time I've ever posted anything about my situation. My husband and I have been married for over 25 years. We have three children ages 25, 20 and 15. In June of 2001, I received an anonymous letter that said my husband was having an affair. When I showed it to him, he broke down and cried. Two days later he told me there was a child that was born October 30, 1998. He told me he never loved the other woman. He had secretly been paying her child support since the child was born. He promised me he would never see or talk to her again. Now I know how foolish I was to try and sweep it under the rug. One year later he called me at work to tell me he had been seeing her again. This time he promised me and my children he would spend the rest of his life making it up to us. At that point, we went to court, had a paternity test and started paying the support legitimately through the courts. I still didn't want the child in our life. I know now that was the wrong decision. In 2006 she began calling him again without my knowledge. He wasn't honest with me. She begged him to visit the child and she asked for more money. He grew up without a father so he felt terrible about not being in the childs life. He started seeing her again for the third time!!! I don't know how many times and I don't know exactly when it started. I received a letter from her in Jaunary of this year asking for money. She said her car was being repossessed and she couldn't afford anything. She also said that the child wanted to see his father. Little did I know that the letter was my husband's idea. He didn't want to go behind my back anymore so he told her to write the letter. He claims he didn't want to have sex with her either. Once I read the letter, I felt sorry for the child. I called her and planned a meeting to play miniature golf. I had no idea they had been seeing eachother again until May of this year. He finally came clean and told me the truth. We've been seeing the other child regularly and unfortunately have e-mail and phone contact with the other woman too. It's extremely hard for me and my older children to be around this child. My husband has already moved past everything but I'm struggling with it. All of the lies and deceit for so long and THREE TIMES!! My husband tells me over and over how much he loves me but how could he do this over and over? Fortunately, the other woman and child just recently moved over 500 miles away so it's more difficult to see them now. I really want to forgive and forget but I feel like I've been played a fool. I deeply love my husband and don't want to break my family apart.

Help!

AnySuggestions,

Hello, I am a moderator here. I moved your post from the welcome thread, to a thread of it's own. Hopefully this will assist you in getting the help you are seeking.

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

Welcome AnySuggestions. So sorry you find yourself in this situation. It seems to me that you and your H need to decide together if contact with the OC is what you really want and if your marriage can sustain it. Your H's methods for getting your to agree to C was underhanded and weak. Believe me, I know because OC in my situation is going to be 4 and I just found out he has been having C behind my back again as well. It is never ending with these men to allow the OW to control the situation and to use the OC as ammunition to keep the affair going. Whether it was sexual or not doesn't matter. It was a betrayal of your trust.

Thank you for responding! My family has decided collectively that seeing the other child is not in our best interest. The dilemna now is how to communicate that to the OW and C. We thought of writing a letter from all of us.

What do you think about that?

In the meantime all of the tools from this website have been incredible. Last night we completed the Emotional Needs Questionnaire and reviewed the findings with eachother. I really know in my heart that he hates himself for doing what he has done. He wants to move on with our lives (finally) and so do I.

Sincerely,

Susan 41 years old
Husband 48 years old
Three kids (25,20,15)
Married at the age of 16!

Is the CS set up legally? If so, I would simply write her a NC letter with a means to contact you in case of extreme emergency. Perhaps a email account or PO BOX or even a 3rd party.

Expect drama and her attempting to break NC. I have yet to see one that hasn't.

Yes, the child support is set up legally. What's a NC letter? I'm trying to get use to the abbreviations but am having a little trouble.

I feel badly for the child because I know he will be extremely sad he can't come visit. It's just too much on all of us though, including my husband.

Do you think this will cause any permanent damage to the child emotionally?

Here is my rough draft of the letter. What do you think?



xxxxxx (ow),


Collectively as a family unit, we have decided to write you a letter to express how we feel.

It is not in the best interest of our family to continue communications with you or XXXXXX(OC). We have come together to make this decision so please respect our feelings and move on with your life. Do not attempt to call or e-mail any more asking for money or advice. The decision you made to have the child was yours and yours alone.

You will need to comfort your son and explain to him that under the circumstances, it is too difficult for us to see him. We are not sorry for meeting him but he has to understand that there is a lot of pain associated with his presence.

When XXXXXX(OC) becomes of age, it will be up to him whether or not to contact us.

XXXXXX
XXXXXX
XXXXXX
XXXXXXX


Faithful follower - Thanks for your advice!!

No Contact letter. I would drop the second paragraph from the letter. You don't want OC to read that someday. Instead I would just leave it as it being in the best interest of your family to have NC. Will the child suffer damage? I don't know. I would suggest you and H write some cards and letters about your feelings for OC and put it in a safe place to give him when he contacts you later. He most likely will. Please do provide her with a means to contact you in the case of extreme emergency.

Thank you.

I would also drop this line.

It is not his fault and he doesn't "have" to understand anything. He will figure it out for himself someday.

I would keep a copy of this letter so that when the OC does come, you have it as backup.

Also, from this point on I'd keep a record of ANY contact that is attempted by the OW (and she will) so that you can show the child (when he is grown) how difficult SHE made it.

Once NC/C is made, it takes a concerted effort by the h and w to NOT ALLOW any distractions to take over their marriage again.

Fortunately, you two have one of the best tools (MB) to practice your marriage "muscles" till it will no longer be practice and simply become a part of both of you.

Kind regards,
Kimmy

Wow! What a story. And I thought mine was so unique.

I understand that you love your family and want to keep it intact. How can you forgive H after so many times of being unfaithful and lying all the time?

Apparently he has some kind of relationship with OC. Forgive me if I'm mistaken, but the OC does know your H is his father, right?

Just my opinion, but writing a letter in this particular situation would be the coward's way out. I'm sure this child must be very confused right now........moving away from everything he knows, his security, his father.

This child can only be 10 or 11. How do you explain to him the severity of the situation, and/or that he's no longer wanted?

Even if he doesn't see the letter now, he will know the truth someday, especially if OW gets angry with your H, she may say things out of anger that would hurt OC.

I myself am a BS, and recently found out about my H OC. AM I angry at her? Yes of course.........but I'm even angrier with H.

I've said this before. It's not fair to say to OW "you chose to have the baby alone, you deal with it" Our Husbands were THERE..........making these babies. They should accept the blame equally.

When I found out, I called the OW. She was very nasty because she found out that H had been lying to her. She won't see him, and she won't allow him to see OC. That is why we are in NC, not because H thought it was best for our family. He blames ME for him not seeing OC. Tough S**T!

If you and H agree that you both do not want her or OC in your lives anymore, you should at least make a phone call (with both you and H on the line)and make it clear to her that you are stopping all communication with her.

Don't ever write down what you might not want someone else to see.

I could only dream that OW and OC would move 500 miles away.

I still do not trust H, and have my suspicions that he may be seeing OC behind my back. What can I do about it right now? Nothing. But that doesn't mean I'm not making plans. Sorry if I sounded harsh, I just feel bad when I hear about a child being in the middle of these messes.

Hi hurtmomof2,

It's been very difficult to forgive my husband for all of the lies and deceit. I'm still working on it and so are my children. We have been together for over 27 years now. Throwing away a lifetime of friendship and love isn't easy.

He doesn't have much of a relationship with the oc or ow. He very rarely saw them. There was a time span of years that went by between 2002 and 2006. Even during 2006 to the end of 2007, he would visit no more than two times a month for maybe 30 minutes at a time. Sometimes to drop off money secretly behind my back because the ow is a loser and can't support herself.

The oc has visited our family about 10 times now. My children do not like having him around. They feel very uncomfortable. I have to do what's right for MY FAMILY. I feel badly for the oc but life does go on.

You may be right about writing a letter. We're still trying to figure out the best way to communicate how we feel about the NC. It's very difficult situation now since the child knows all of us.

If you live close to the OW and you think your H is seeing the OC, he is. I felt that the last time. I knew something wasn't right. It was strange that we hadn't heard from her. I kept asking my husband and he wouldn't come clean until he was injured by the universe! I know that sounds crazy, but every time he was lying to me, he was badly injured.

If you only knew all of the horrible e-mails the OW has sent to me. She is not a nice person. Things like "yah, I ------ your H, now get over it."

It's time for her to move on. I don't want to hear her voice or read her e-mails anymore. I think if she's really gone, we can move on with our lives.

Sincerely,

Susan

PS - My H didn't sign the birth certificate. Did yours?

Just curious.

Yes! The stupid fool did! Without a DNA test.........Dumb!!!!!

Have you had a test yet? That was one of the first things I requested when I found out. And I wanted the CS to be through the courts and legal so she couldn't come back and say he never paid.

No, H won't take a test. Insists the baby is his. This woman is bi-sexual(know for a fact) She doesn't know what she wants. H says in therapy that she is with a woman now.

When she found out he was staying with me, she flipped and sent him a bunch of nasty texts and won't let him see the baby. She even said she wished he was dead! It wasn't even really a matter of him choosing to stay with me, I just didn't kick him out.

They must have had some kind of fantasy plan that he told her if I found out about OC I would leave him. WHen she found out I knew, and he didn't go running to her, I think that really pissed her off and now she is punishing him.

Actually, even though I just found out in August, I'm quite calm.
I can honestly say right now I couldn't care less about the baby.

Nothing bad is really going on in my house right now, so It's not on my mind every minute. He wants to go see OC, let him...........makes no difference to me.

I have 4 kids of my own to take care of. I have some auto-immune problems (NOT HIV)........Lupus. So we have a full time Nanny.

Stress is the worst thing for my condition, so I'm lucky to have her to help with the kids when I'm not feeling well.

Were your kids young when they met OC?

I am not against NC with the OC. For NC with the OP parent is needed. Many OP's can not do a plan B parenting plan where a third party is used for communication and child exchanges. They insist on using their OC as an pawn to maintain themselves in their AP's life.

Though as an adult, as most OC's do, they come looking for their missing parent. Expect that.

"The decision you made to have the child was yours and yours alone."

The line is very offensive and insulting.

Did the OW have a virgin birth?

How is it that your husband is left off the wrath?

Did you want this OW to murder her OC before it was born?

Did you want this OW to give up her OC for adoption?

Why should she have to grieve the lose of her child?

Is it not better for this OC to be raised by it's mom and to get to at least have the opportunity to know, interact, and be supported by it's mom's extended family?

Because it would make your life easier?

What do these situations have ANYTHING to do with being FAIR???

There is NO fairness here for the children (COMs AND OCs) or the betrayed.

There is ONLY reactions in order to minimize the nuclear fallout.

Everyone handles the fallout in the way THEY deem best for THEIR families and there is NO right or wrong way.

After the heinous wrongs done to the children and the betrayed for ANYONE not in the situation to ASSUME that the way they ***would*** do it is the RIGHT way is self righteous and quite honestly, inane.

Actually it was me who said that it wasn't fair to blame the OW only. My point was that our H were there too. They should be blamed also.

Maybe I am misunderstanding you when you said that anyone who isn't in this situation with an opinion is being self righteous.

I don't understand..........everyone on this board is dealing with a cheating spouse and OC.

Maybe I missed something? I don't know.

I used your quote, but I was also referring to TRs post.

There is NOTHING "fair" about this.

There's no use in utilizing the word...


You'd think. You'd be amazed at how many that aren't walking in our sandals chime in telling what's "right" and what's not.

And you are entirely correct...the WH does own half of this.

But there is a time for a family to decide WHAT bits make up the half...is it CS and C or CS and insurance w/no C...what?

It is up to the BS and WS to decide that...and ONLY they can decide that for their family. ONLY them.

We met him for the first time early this year. He was 9 years old. My children were 14, 19 & 24.

My children don't want anything to do with him unfortunately.

We just wrote the letter to the OW and all signed it. My H wrote a letter to the OC. We feel much better now.

We all feel like we can move on now.

I thought you were thinkig about not writing the letter? I can understand writing to OW, but why to the child?

He will be very hurt. I would think twice about that, as some of the other Ladies have pointed out.

Please don't take this the wrong way.........but I think your children are old enough to understand and accept the situation.

Maybe not when your youngest was 9. My oldest is 16, and she's not that upset (upset for me, yes.) but not about OC. Even my 9 year old isn't concerned, and they've both seen the baby.

TOTAL different story for another time.

The little ones are too young to grasp what's going on.

Writing the letter to OW I'm sure felt great and empowering, and I'm with you on that. I would just hate to see an innocent child hurt by a situation that adults created.

I hear you. My H wanted to write a letter to him.

This is how it reads:

Dear -------,

The relationship I had with your mother was thoughtless and cruel. It hurt many people, particularly, -----, ------, ------- and -------. They did not deserve to be treated that way. I am committed to my marriage and determined to make up for all the hurt I've caused them. I am going to work hard to be the best husband and father that I can be.

Because of the terrible offense to my family and the damage I have done to my marriage, I am permanently ending all contact with your mother. Please respect my wish to regain my integrity and to heal my family as a unit.

I will continue to send child support and have a relationship with you by mail. You have my address. Please write to me, it can be fun. I promise I will write you back. Be respectful to your mother.

I love you,

----

The most important thing to me is MY family. I didn't have it easy growing up. Sometimes the school of hard knox is a good thing. I was told when I was 7 years old that my father had an affair with my mother's mother. I was devistated but I moved past it.

He was born into this and there isn't anything I can do about it.

It's time for us to move on!

I think it's important for the OC to understand it's not ok to commit adultery. Hopefully he never will. I know my children won't.

Oh WOW!!!!! I don't care if I get flamed or whatever for this. That is the most hurtful letter anyone could ever send to a 10 year old! Basically saying he was a mistake and practically a waste of space.!

He is his father too, but says he needs to be a father to his other kids...........how can the kid not take that as rejection?

You can have a relationship by mail? It will be fun???? WTF!!!!!

Save your stamps AnySuggestions. If I was OW, I would never, ever allow him to see this letter or write to his father who does not want him.

Then to end it with "I Love You" What a bunch of BS!!!!!

You are adults and should know better than to hurt a child like that. What if either of you got a letter from your father, regardless of his relationship with your mother, that said this? At 10, you'd be balling your eyes out!

You're giving him the impression that his mother is a no good person and he is a mistake that you don't want to deal with anymore.

I don't care what you think of me..........this is disgusting to do to a child. If you send this letter, you may feel better, but certainly not him. Also, the choice of words you wrote in the letter are a bit sophisticated for a 10 year old to grasp. If I didn't know the letter was to a child, I would have thought it was to another adult, based on the context.

One day something will happen that you won't have control of. You should think back on the letter to this child. Maybe then you will realize it was wrong. This will come back to you...........Karma is a Bit*h!!

I do not think the child is old enough for a letter like that.

Please do not send it till he is much older...or save it for the day he seeks your family out.

I think your dh is trying to "fix" what he has done, but on this issue he is like a bull in a china shop.

Save the letter.

Send nothing but the letter to OW.

Hello, I just wanted to say i'm sorry for what has happened to you, my H only cheated sexually twice but lied over 3 years, I don't know how you can stay with your H after he kept going behind your back but I do understand we all deal with things differently and have different tolerance levels.

The two previous posters are right, the letter to the OC would be a bad idea, as the BS we may not like/want anything to do with the OC but they are still an INNOCENT CHILD, it's not fair to hurt the child because of the mistakes its parents made.

Hope it goes well

L x

AS, I wish you had done what I previously suggested and write a letter to the OC and KEEP it for when he shows up on your doorstep in the future. I hope and pray that letter has not gone out in the mail. 10 is still so young and innocent and I imagine that after not knowing his father for 9 years, that child is devastated to lose him yet again. Your H's actions are cruel, AS. He should NEVER had tried contact with a child that age unless he planned to continue.

anysuggs,,,,,,

1st let me say that i am so sorry that you have found yourself in this mess.

2nd let me state that i feel there are no wrong ways of dealing with these situations. each of us walking this path has very different potholes to fill in.

3rd i am sorry for what i am about to say.

THAT SAID.. i am simply appalled at the way your h wants to handle this and totaly shocked at how you are assuming it will all be swept under the rug with this letter.

your h needs some very serious counseling. he has been nothing more then a self centered j__k for over 10 years.

let me start with your h. he lies to you for over 10 years, has had an on and off relationship with ow for 10 years, has had a relationship (so what if it is only 2 times a month. many children live with every other weekend parents) with his son for 10 years and now you are asking him to walk away.

forget about the oc right now. what makes you think your h will be able to do this? is it the 500 mile distance. what happens should ow decide to move back closer?

you have already said that your h feels bad about his own no show father. is he now agreeing because the distance makes it inconvient and easy?

now for the letter. he starts with saying oc's conception was "thoughtless and cruel".

this should make a 10 yo or a 21 yo or a 45 yo feel like they were nothing more then a worthless mistake.

then he adds that "it hurt many people, particularly, ____,____.____ and ____."

where did he say that it hurt the recipient of the letter, oc? and although you don't have any compassion for ow she was also hurt by your h's deciept and lies.

he goes on to say "I am going to work hard to be the best husband and father that I can be."

when did your honorable h, who is trying to "regain his integrity" stop being oc's father after 10 years?

and finally he goes on to say "Please write to me, it can be fun".

what a load of do-do. sure a 10 yo would love getting mail but "fun"? fun for a 10 yo boy is playing catch, camping, learning how to fish.

i am sorry but i am open to all avenues of people getting thru this tramatic situation. but i am seeing this as a complete selfcentered path.

and your children are misplacing there anger on a 10 yo child. seeing him for anything more then as innocent as themselves is wrong in my book. they are all old enoough to see clearly who the real villian is here in their lives.

i would never try to argue anyones pain, hurt or anger. but i see their anger with being around oc as them trying to say "poor dad was the victim". and i get the whole idea at them not wanting to be angry at dad. but again at their ages they need to face the real facts and not use that little boy as their scape goat.

like it or not, admit it or not, accept it or not. the fact is that child has 1/2 their blood running through his veins.

the problem here is your h. he has been and is still a liar if he thinks that this 500 mile separartion will cure his desire to be interactive with this oc.

i am truly sorry if this sounds angry. but like i said i am amazed at how you all want to sweep this under the rug at the expense of a 10 yo boy.

anysuggs,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,


"""""""""""""""I know my children won't."""""""""""

you know, i hope you are right. but please be careful and i hope you can find a place for forgiveness in your heart should life throw you a curve.

i spent 20 some odd years thinking that my wife would "NEVER" have an A.

i was wrong

i thought i had raised my kids to have sound morals and judgement about their relationships.

i was wrong

my oldest married his wife who was not d when they met. he was an om for a while

my oldest dd has 4 children from 3 fathers. the last twins are from a fater whom she is living with. and she has not completed her d from father #2

am i happy about these situations? a resounding NO. but i have come to accept and tolerate them because i love my children.

point being is we "DON'T" know what lies ahead for our children.

but we definately can show them how to deal with heartache and seemingly unbearable situations with class, character, empathy and compassion.

"Originally Posted By: TheRoad
It's not fair to say to OW "you chose to have the baby alone, you deal with it"

"What do these situations have ANYTHING to do with being FAIR???"

I don't see how one can use something someone else said and put it into quotes making it appear that those words came out of my mouth.

I sorry but I reserve the right of speaking for myself only for myself, not to anyone else.

"has had a relationship (so what if it is only 2 times a month. many children live with every other weekend parents) with his son for 10 years and now you are asking him to walk away."

I have not been back to this thread since I last posted here. Tonight I have caught up. The above quote of Pop's was an eye opener. You WH has been a dad to this child for ten years. Now he is going to give the OC the big kiss off.

I am not surprised. Your WH had no class to have an affair. Your WH may of ended his affair, but he has not improved as a person to crush his OC. When this poor OC grows up and is messed up how much is your husband going to help his son straighten out. Your wonderful WH has created the potential for this OC to grow up into one messed up adult that will need plenty of therapy. Is the great dad WH is going to foot the bill for his love child?

The best part is to send not that letter but any letter of that nature to this child. To divorce a spouse is one thing.

To divorce a child that you have had a ten year relationship. Class. When you look up the word class in the dictionary I guess that's were they have a picture of your WH's face.

I believe in NC between the AP's. Being that there has been ten years contact the adults need to be adult, and figure a way to have a third party OC exchange so NC can be maintained between the AP's.

and i wanted to add one more thing. if your h does send this letter he needs to drop the names and "excuse" about "his" family coming together.

the letter should come from him and only him and state his and only his reasons.

don't list the com and you. that's like lining up an army of adults against this one child.

it also allows your h to lay blame on "his" family should oc come looking in 5, 10, 15 years.

Pops-Amen to that! Couldn't have said it better myself. Actually, I did write a similiar post. And others have said pretty much the same thing.

Not only is AS's H handling this in a terrible way and showing his true character. I think AS is just as bad........I can almost see her in the corner laughing "ha Ha- I got my way!"

If this guy is going to abandon a 10 year old, and not even think twice about it.........what woman would want to be with him after that?

I also agree (and think I said) these kids are adults, 2 of them anyway Other is 15? They are way too old to be playing the part of jealous siblings.

There's a lot of living left to do.........what goes around comes around.............

You know what? I went back to the beginning of this thread, just to make sure I had all the facts straigt before I posted.

The more I read, the more I think this is a bogus story. Maybe it's an OW with MM child who wants to see how we wives would respond to finding out.

Her H cheats on her 3 or 4 times, and she stays? Who would do that? Some wives can forgive one act of discretion (or affair)
and move on. Some women can't.......you cheat on me, we're done.

How could she forgive all his lying and cheating over the last 10 years? And to bring her adult, and almost adult COM into it seems strange. Why would a 25 year old be threatened by a 10 year old? They wouldn't. They might not like it. But it not like we're dealing with little kids here.

AS also said her children were uncomfortable around OC and don't want anything to do with him. That wouldn't be a typical reaction for 2 grown men to have.

If there is any bit of truth to this story, than I think she put her sons up to putting pressure on their father.

AS seems to be a little too "gleefull" that this letter has been written.

ALso what struck me as odd. was when she first posted, it sounded like your typical OC story. I felt sorry for her. Then the idea of the letter came up very quickly.

She got what she wanted from H, rather quickly too.

So why post the story here? She didn't really need much support.

I could be completely wrong, but It sound like a bunch of crap to me.

i read this thread on thursday evenning. i was scheduled for the cath lab on friday morning so didn't respond until i got home.

i remember being ticked off for 2 days and was debating even responding knowing i had nothing positive to say. then i read your reply along with theroad's and had to add my .02 cents.

i know of some people (both m and w) who have knowingly dealt with multiple cheaters for yrs.

i am with you tho. my w has had her one and only chance in that arena. hers was a fairly short lived A and it was dang near the end of our M. had we not had such a large family or had all my children been older or had she carried on for say another 1 - 3 weeks we would have been done.

altho i don't fault anyone's feelings in these matters i do agree with the com being so uncomfortable not sounding right. my kids were (trying to think back thru the gray matter) 6, 9, 11, 12, 18. 19 & 25 at the time. and altho the 2 oldest were angry at my w they all accepted the baby unconditionally.

well i guess we will have to wait and see if she reply's

take care, pops

Just a comment on the multiple A's and forgiveness. Take a look at my signature line. I've forgiven more than one, as has my H. Is it easy? No, but I LOVE my H with all my heart and we have worked to get us to where we are today. Is it painful? You bet! As it is said all the time, especially on THIS specific part of the forum, each person has their own way of dealing with this situation, and just as many foundations to buildings are similar, the buildings themselves are usually quite different, when there are different designers, or even houses that are built the same, the interior design is NEVER the same.

Now, on the note of the older kids being "uncomfortable". Well, they didn't know about this half sibling till about a year ago? I can see it to a point, but that the letter was done up SO quickly, and the way the letter to the OC was composed......I'm not so sure either. If you are for real, please take another look at the letters. Neither one are going to work for what they are written for. In a NC letter, your H needs to write it to the OW with as little detail on how you are repairing your M as possible, It's none of her business how you are doing or how your kids are dealing with this mess. As for the letter to the OC, to me it was just cruel! This little boy is only 10, and the letter was written as if he was an adult! Plus, if the OW is bitter, she's going to put a negative spin on it every chance she can get, and make your whole family out to be equal to ax murderers! Don't give her any more fuel for her fire.

That's my 2 cents on this matter. I know that many here say 2 strikes you're out, but I still believe that marriage is forever, IF you can repair the damage. As a Christian, I know that God hates divorce and so I will do what I can to save my marriage.

Thank you Tig.

We all have our point of no return...one person's just may be further along down the road from another's.

the one thing God allows divorce is adultry, even God knows how painful it is.
I don't believe that its a two strike and your out, its about never making that mistake again, driving the marriage into the ditch and now the driver does all they can to get it out, bends over backwards to prove themselves, prove they can be trusted, that they truly do love you and want the marriage to work, its easy to see that they are remorseful and are working for the same thing, earning back what was originally there once now has to be worked on by the offender, or is it only being remorseful until you meet someone that your willing to hurt your spouse again and bring it all back. where is the true remorse if it happens over and over?
It can be more then 2 strikes if you know in your heart that things weren't fixed in the way they should of been but when its repeated over and over again with no regard for the marriage, for the spouse and you know that they do not care and you don't trust them, then you know they don't love you and its time to trudge ahead without them.

Anysuggestions will not come back to post. At first she was getting the response and support for her actions. But as the details unfolded and the support she received have changed.

She will choose to ignore the latest posts. Most likely she has show her WH the first posts and will not show him the later ones.
She will remain silent and will not engage us because she wants the OC to be handled in an unethical manner.

This issue is only about what will make her happy. Not the best for everyone, just one.

She is hypocritical. Condem WH for affair, but not for being a bad father.

It IS a risk of being and OW w/OC.

While they are active participants in the adultry they are NEVER good fathers.

I do believe you are right, AnySuggestions will probably not be back to post. She seems a little on the sneeky side........I doubt H is even aware she is posting on this board.

As if I haven't had enough crap to deal with lately, I just found out I probably have breast cancer and am going for a mamogram first thing tomorrow. I am very scared, please find it in your heart to say a prayer for me. Thanks!

don't be scared,,easier said then done. Usually the lumps and bumps they see are just that, lumps of debris.
2nd, if, God for bid it is, there is so much now, its not the death sentence it use to be, not even close. Breast cancer survivors are everywhere, thats the good news.
Hang tough, k?

I got to tell you has a FOW/oc that has NC.......I can't believe you just threw that little child's life in a up roar like that! I can't believe you got your children involved in it. I'm sorry and I've been here for a LONG time on this site I pray to GOD that the OW hides that letter from her child ever finding it, throws it away but ONLY after she takes that letter to an attorney to make sure your husband is never able to have rights to that child other than paying child support. If it were me and I'm actually a NICE FOW that stays away far far way from xmm and his family but if it were me that was getting that letter, I'd high tail to my attorney and have him file a motion in court, and it would be a cold day in H*ll before your husband would see that child without going through hoops with the courts just to say hi for a little while with a supervised visatation.

What makes you think that your husband is not going to go behind your back again to see his child? Tell the ow it was all YOU why he sent that letter?

If this child does come looking for your husband later on how can you possibly explain that letter signed by the entire family to him/her? Talk about abondment issues and self eteem issues. I'm sorry all I can think about is this oc. I'm not saying that contact is the way to go here, I'm just saying how you and your husband handled it. :MrEEk:

Oh my :MrEEk: I thought the first letter was bad.......but then this one????

I don't normally get in trouble here on this board but I may today........all I can say IS OMG! I'm speachless anyone who knows me can you believe that one??? Me speacless?

Are you happy now? Please tell me your husband did not sent either one of those letters! Please tell me.

AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!

HMof2, you are in my prayers and thoughts {{{{{{{{{{ }}}}}}}}}}

Hurtmomof2-
I wanted to send you a PM but somehow it's not working. I just want to say that I saw several of your responses to post and I have to say...I think you always nail it right. You seem to have a very good sense of judgement of situations. Can you please take a look at my post and let me know what yea think? Thanks a lot!

To the original poster, I am sorry that you are going through this. You will be in my prayers and thoughts. Just one thing I'd like to add. I feel soo deeply hurt that there's an innocent child who's involve at this. Poor kid.

PM's are disabled on MB due to it being considered a bad idea in a forum full of vulnarable people looking to save their marriages.

I just read that letter that was for the OC. That was VERY mean. I told my husband just now that if he was to do this to me, I'd cut off his manhood. But I am in no position or even have the heart or that strong to allienate a child. Poor kid! This world is cruel and I can almost guarantee you that that child will not grow up normally. Mistakes were mad. Yes, time to move on. But do we need to see blood here? This is my honest opinion and hope I don't get stoned for this. I am with you MOMhurtof2!

I wish I had seen this post sooner! I just couldn't get over it. My heart aches for that innocent boy. And yes, I think your family are putting too much blame on the OW and OC. My suggestion is, soften your heart and direct this wrath to your H instead. Why is he being treated like a victim? Furthermore, I don't believe that this is just HIS idea. I think you and your children came up with this letter. If he wanted to be this cruel and mean to this poor boy, he would have done that a long time ago. But he is just now trying to come clean and be mean to satisfy YOU and your children after the affair was revealed. Hope this makes sense. Please have mercy. Jesus would forgive you. Can you do the same? God said.."VENGENCE IS THE LORDS"..

I don't think any human being has the right to treat another human being like this especially a child.!!!

You are a bunch of ------ -- people! I've been with my husband since I was 14. Almost 30 years. There is such a thing as FATAL ATTRACTION.

My children are old enough to feel the PAIN of what has happened here. If the children were younger they wouldn't really get it. Now that they are grown adults, they feel the pain even more. What matters now is US! Not the OW or the OC. At some point you have to draw the line.

Writing the letter was the best thing that has happend so far. The OW gets it! FINALLY! It's freedom for all of us.

I had a hard life and so did my husband. We can't control the destiny we have. All we can do is try to deal with it.

The universe will always look out for us. I definitely don't call it GOD!

Good luck to you all. You can judge me all you want. I don't judge you.

MOVE ON.

"""""""The universe will always look out for us."""""""""

that's called KARMA. and you need to be careful not to let it bite you in the backside

quite frankly i am again shocked by your attitude. and i may very well be one of "those _______ people". but i like the company.

with your h going behind your back for nearly 10 years you say """"OW gets it! FINALLY""""""". sounds like your h was doing his part in keeping her involved.

"""My children are old enough to feel the PAIN of what has happened here. If the children were younger they wouldn't really get it. Now that they are grown adults, they feel the pain even more"""""

your children are also "old enough" to face and understand the reality's of life. and that reality is they should consider "their" father a failure and a J-E-R-K.

any man (and that term is used loosely) that can have a relationship with "HIS" son for TEN years and then just walk away with a letter like that is far from a good father or a positive roll model. your kids should be ashamed of his actions.

""""""""I had a hard life and so did my husband""""""'

i am sorry that the 2 of you had such a "HARD" life. but quite frankly you are not alone in that and it doesn't give you the right to make life hard on anyone else.

i would think that after "having a hard life" you and your h would make every effort to see to it that ALL his offspring had a better one.

"""""""""It's freedom for all of us"""""""

i highly doubt it. i see the reality is that you will be looking over your shoulder for many years to come. wondering whether your h is SNEAKING more visits with oc when he is away and wondering whether oc will walk back into your life in 5, 10, 15 years down the road.

the truth is you can try and stick your head in the sand but the reality's of your h's illicit actions will always be in your rearview mirror.

"you don't call it God", "you can't control your destiny" and "the universe will look out for us"

WOW. now i see why such a letter fits YOUR needs.

one more question. since i take it that God does not play a part of your beliefs why would you capitalize His name?

"your children are also "old enough" to face and understand the reality's of life. and that reality is they should consider "their" father a failure and a J-E-R-K.

any man (and that term is used loosely) that can have a relationship with "HIS" son for TEN years and then just walk away with a letter like that is far from a good father or a positive roll model. your kids should be ashamed of his actions.

""""""""I had a hard life and so did my husband""""""'

i am sorry that the 2 of you had such a "HARD" life. but quite frankly you are not alone in that and it doesn't give you the right to make life hard on anyone else.

i would think that after "having a hard life" you and your h would make every effort to see to it that ALL his offspring had a better one."

My parents wanted us to not to go without the way they did. They worked for us and on us so as the next generation would have it better.

I am sorry that the damage your WH has caused and the length of time he has done it for has turned you into this kind of person. I genuinely hope you get some peace from you're actions because you have paid such a high price for it.
I had a childhood with a paedophile and wife beater for a step father BUT because of this I am stronger because of this I would never purposely cause any child physical or mental harm. I don't blame any of my actions on that because I will not let my past control my future.
In my situation i accept my WHs part in our current situation, my WH lied for years about the details but all contact etc stopped instantly. He slept with OW twice and that was the only contact he had. You know what you're WH has done i don't need to repeat it and you derserve so much better, you and OW are fighting against each other and WH is sitting back and watching. I just hope he doesn't go behind your back again to see OC and continue to make you look like the bad one in all of this.
Finally we will still be here if things go wrong again but I wish you all the luck in one day having an honest and faithful relationship.

While I agree with the letter to the OW whole heartedly, the letter to the CHILD was unnecessary and cruel.

As for the company here...at least I am with people that didn't INTENTIONALLY harm a 10 year old.

Since your children are older and supposidly TRULY understand, it is clear that they are yet another set of people that were not taught the lesson of compassion for those that are more helpless.

I DO realize the marriage comes first.

I agree.

I do not, however, believe that means crushing other people's kids.

I hope OW finds a REAL father for her son, instead of the genetic donor the poor kid got STUCK with because of the insanity that BOTH his parents foisted upon him for 10 years.

He JUST AS MUCH A VICTIM of your husband and the OW as YOU AND YOUR KIDS ARE.

I for one am PROUD of the company I keep on this board. Never in my life have I encountered such compassion and loving people in the face of this horror in my life. I would never, never condone what your H did. He was the boy's "father" for 10 years and then to write a vulnerable child such a cruel letter. We have other betrayed's that found out 16 or even 18 years after the fact that their H had a child with someone else. Yet, they have approached their pain in a manner that still held compassion for the child.

My H has a near 4 y/o OC that he has continued C with behind my back. Do you honestly think I would force him to go NC with that child after he knows my H as his father? Of course not. I only require NC with OW.

I hope and pray that your H becomes a real man someday.

Give me a break!! How can you say a 25 year old would be in more pain about OC than an actual child would feel about it? He can't be very mature if he's jealous of a 10 year old boy.

So you sent your letters? Good for you. I hope you are all proud of yourselves for crushing a little boy's heart.

***EDIT**** What your H and your family did was WRONG! Letter to the OW? Fine, that's acceptable.

Letter to the OC? nasty, cruel and hateful. Unacceptable and not necessary. ****EDIT***** We have all told you what we thought. You went ahead and did what you wanted to anyway (your choice) but a poor one at that.

Just remember one thing.........what goes around, comes around.

Oh gee.. where have I been? I totally missed out. Been busy the past two days and didn't check this thread.

*********EDIT*****I would be asking for forgiveness if I was you. THERE IS A GOD! I promise you that.

And been with your husband since you were 14? Gee..I was a kid and barely knew anything about boys when I was 14. Didn't have my first kiss until I was 19. So I guess I cannot relate what's it's like to be in a relationship at that VERY young age and to be with someone for that long.

I think YOU ARE IN DENIAL! You may think you can ignore this now, but you just wait. This will come back and hunt you someday if you don't make this right. You want to take the quickest, fastest escape from your problems, Tell yea what--this one is NOT the right way!

Poor kid. ****EDIT*****

Just because you are hurt and you feel like a victim, you get to destroy this poor kid's life?? I think you have manipulated your husband TO MAKE THIS DECISION! He was seeing this kid for TEN YEARS and all of a sudden, you found out, now he's dropping the kid like a hot potato! I totally think that it's YOU who plot this whole thing out. Oh yea..you had a hard life? And so did a lot of people.. Newsflash, you're not alone on this! I think this is completely BS and loaded of selfishness! I'll leave this one up to KARMA! How do you sleep at night anyway? *rolling my eyes*

You have alot to learn along with everybody else on this site.

Your marriage is young and so are you. You can't relate? EXACTLY! Don't judge me or others unless you've walked a mile in our shoes. It definitel hasn't been quick! There has been alot you don't know.

MY FAMILY IS MORE IMPORTANT THANT THE OW OR OC. You may all think I've manipulated this or that. You don't really know the history here. It's been over 10 years of things you can't even imagine.

She hasn't bothered us and the OC sent a very cute Thanksgiving greeting.

My H is going to write as promised.

Don't judge unless you REALLY know all of the facts.

It's IMPOSSIBLE to let you know everthing that has gone down. Please don't judge somebody unless you really know.

I am assuming you have not yet sent that letter to oc. That is why you received the "cute" thanksgiving card. May God have mercy on your husband's soul for this.

It's wrong and I'm not young and have lived life. I also lived through a cheating husband. SO I've walked both sides of this. :MrEEk: Be careful with your moves because for every action there is a REACTION.

Is your name Susan? According to your siggy that's your name. May god have mercy on your soul. I maybe young and don't have THAT kind of experience like you do/did, but I can tell you that I do NOT need to be your age, and do not need to be in your situation to see the different of what's right and wrong. Sweety, from what it sound here and from what I can see, it's you who has a lot to learn. So please, take your comment back and apply it to yourself. YOU HAVE A LOT TO LEARN yourself as well. I am hoping and praying that by the time I am 40 or 50, I have better judgment and have learned a lot of things. There's that saying that age is just a number. I think people can be at any age and yet still act, foolish and immature. If you know what I mean.

I commented about not being able to relate on what's it's like to be in a relationship at such young age (14) because I personally think that 14 is very young. That's all. I hope to god and pray that if I have a daugther, she will at least wait a few years before she even thinks about being with a boy. Hope this make sense. And maybe the fact that you enter into a relationship at such young age might've change your way of thinking and have contributed to your attributes of personality? I don't know, I am just ruling out every possible reason out there why you are and have make this decisions that you have.

I know that your family comes first, but if it means destroying this little boy's life, that's all that matter to you?

And you know what, I think there are people out there that gets judged by society everyday. People that are downright mean, sick, and bad. I can tell you this right now, I don't know ALL the fact about what happen to Jeffrey Dahmer and why he did what he did. I didn't know him nor did I know ALL THE fact nor did I walk in his shoes. But I can tell you this, I AM GOING TO JUDGE HIM ACCORDINGLY and truthfully. I am going to lay my judgment that the guy was sick and in fact a bad person. I don't know him. And you may say that I don't have a right to judge him or my judgment had no basis because I WAS not there. Are you getting my point here?

I don't need to be in those people's shoes or in the same situation or know them well to judge them. I hope this makes sense. I can say the same thing to all kinds of people out there who are bad, selfish, and immature. I don't need to know a thieft to judge him that he's a thief!

I hope I was able to give some insight. Please re-consider for the sake of this little boy!

Furthermore, yes, my marriage is young and I am young. But it doesn't mean that every person out there who's older than me and has an older marriage than me is IS ALWAYS right. I rest my case!

Try me.

I think most would agree that the OW in my sitch would prolly make your husband's OW look like a cocker spaniel puppy - and yet we are STILL happy because we did what was right for ALL the children.

Any, You said WE have a lot to learn.........you have a lot to learn! I agree with the others that you probably convinced your H to write the letters to OW and OC, and Then I think you asked your sons to hop on board to put more pressure on him.

Like I said before, Ow letter? OK. OC letter? Not OK.

I may get edited for this, so I will be careful how I select my words. You need to be on a site for women you can't deal with their own problems by themselves. You had to convince your whole family to write these letters.

You said in the beginning it was H idea. I said I didn't believe that then, and I don't believe that now........I'm not sure anyone does.

*************edit***************

And Crabbywife.....................Man! Calm down! I don't think using Jeffrey Dahmer as an analogy for what AS has done is a fair comparison. She sent a letter, she didn't murder anyone!

Dahmer was mentally ill, and he may have been "insane" when he commited his crimes. He didn't do very well in prison either. Wasn't he murdered by another inmate shortly after he arrived?

"It's IMPOSSIBLE to let you know everthing that has gone down."

It's impossible to get good advice when you come here and only tell half a story.

Though what ever your excuse maybe, to make your WH stop OC contact after he has been doing it for the kids first ten years is wrong.

There are ways to have your WH visit with the OC. Yet have no contact with the OW.

**********edit*************

That's the truth. You'd be surprised the stories around here the crazy ow's, mm's and bs's. I could even tell you some stories about my mm and his wife. Stuff done to my daughter. You'd be surprised.

Again, your husband was sneeking around for 10 years seeing this kid and probally her too. You can't put all the blame on one person here. As well it's not like you really gave it much time either. YOu said yourself you just found out about this kid so I'm assuming you thought for a very LONG time there was no other kid or ow.

I hope and pray your husband does not send a letter to oc. I can't imagine the man your husband must be (or lack of) to have a relationship with his flesh and blood for 10 years then be able to turn his back on him. Something is just not right here.

Hurtmomof2---yea, pretty extreme anology but I was hoping that it will send the same message to this woman. People do not need to be in her situation, know her well, or know the details of her situation to recognize the different between right and wrong. WRONG IS WRONG period!.

Yea, I wouldn't be surprise if Jeffrey got killed by his inmate after arriving.

I have read some of your responses here momhurtof2. As usual, you always hit the nail on the head. :-)
Now let's hope that something or some kind of miracle will happen to make this person to have a change of heart. I am praying hard!

crabbywife-Yes it was a strong analogy, but I see where you were going with it.

I completely agree that these people know right from wrong, and know that sending that letter will do permanent psychological damage to this child. He WILL think that he is at fault for his father pretty much dumping him. Look at all the kids who think it's their fault that their parents got divorced!

Anysuggestions is behind both letters her H wrote. I don't believe that H was just sitting around one day and thought
"hey, I"ve been a father to this boy for 10 years, that's long enough. I think I'll write a mean letter to him"

And then she brings her adult children into the situation as pawns?

Like I said before, I'm not sure I even believe that this story is all true.

I think in an earlier thread you said you wanted to ask me something? I will try and get in touch wit a moderator and see if she can send you my e-mail. If not, we can agree to be online at the same time and I will post my address then delete it. Let me know.

Hurt

**edit**

EXCUSE ME??? CAN'T deal? He LIED to his victim (his wife) for 10 years!!!! Yes, writing the letter to the child was wrong but going NC with OW is right. You have NO IDEA the shock of your H having a child with an OP. Unbelievable that you can sit here and trash talk this poor woman.

Please keep your posts helpful to the thread starter. Harassment is not necessary!

**edit**

please email me at revera01@aol.com

I'm really not sure what to say.....

You are all very sure in what you know?

I know that I have really tried to make everyhing work. I have tried to accept the oc and ow in our life. That doesn't work! Especially when you have grown children. Don't judge us for being adults. You think it's easier when your grown, IT'S NOT!!!!! It's actually worse because you disect everything when you're grown as opposed to when you are less mature.

As an example, I found out my father had an affair with my mother's mother when I was seven years old. I wasn't really affected until I really understood what had happened.

It took years to really understand why my Mom and Dad broke up.

My husand is very sorry for what he did. He loves me and the children.

At some point you have to decide what is right for your family and move on. I know what we did is perfect for our situation.

I know there are alot of you that think I'm sneaky or selfish or whatever. The truth is that I'm doing what feels right for my family.

Don't judge a book by it's cover. You might be wrong........

Ok, so you're father had an affair on your mothet. I'm sure that must have hurt. First things first.........you need to forgive him and get on with your life.

Every poster here agreed that you should not send the letter to OC.

You said it was what was best for your family (and I still don't believe that you think it's worse on an adult that they found out their father cheated)and that sending the letter was "perfect
for your situation"

you said we all thought you were sneaky and selfish.........

If you sent that letter to OC. or let your H send it, Then that's exactly how you're acting.

I don't understand why you keep coming back here? This board is for women who need support. You never really ask any questions, you just make statements. You pretty much wrapped up the whole situation yourself. So again, why are you here? Is it to glote (sp) that our H won't write a mean letter to OC, and we don't have them under our thumb? which you apparently do.

P.S. In the first paragraph you said it was "worse" for an adult child to find out about an infidelity because they could disect everything. Next paragraph you say you found out about your father's affair when you were a child, and it took YEARS to understand it all.

Complete contradiction!!! :RollieEyes:

anysuggs,,,,,please be assured that NONE of us here are experts in any way, shape or form.

THAT SAID. we are all, have all been thru, been here to listen to many sad stories over the years, read the MB principles, listened to others who have offered BOTH pro and con advice, made sacrificies (ate some doo doo somewhere along the line) to save our marriages, AND realize that an oc IS also a victim in these situtations.

it sounds like one mistake you have made is trying to "accept the oc "and" the ow in your life".

you have no obligation at all to accept the ow. she is mearly the gaurdian of your stepson (yes, like it or not this is a fact) while he is not residing in your house.

another mistake imho that you made was not just informing your kids but getting them involved at a more intimate level then they needed to be. it sounds like you leaned on them for advice not support. and you probably know what the majority of people who hear of this situation say as advice. yeh (kick the bum out or forget that b@st@$d kid and his w#@re mom.)

when my w became pg from her A we had littles, middles and bigguns. the littles and middles (6 - 14) just accepted that they were having another sibling as they didn't apply all the emotional stuff that the sit carried with it. the bigs were undeniably angry and upset with their mom but were supportive of what i wanted to do. their disappiontment was at mom NOT the baby.

another thing that we (the opinionists) here have seen and agree on is that NC is completely acceptable BUT it needs to be from the BEGINNING not 10 years down the line. with or without your knowledge of the contact.

your h having contact with the oc for 10 years has changed the playing field. abandoning that child after 10 years is just plain wrong.

you asked in an earlier post whether we thought it would have long term effect on the oc. haven't you answered that with this statement above

""""""""It took years to really understand why my Mom and Dad broke up.""""""""

I think what many/most of us see is that your h was sneaking behind your back for 10 years. paraphrasing your words from your original post, he even was so afraid of sneaking behind your back he and ow devised a plan for "her" to write a letter asking for more money.

what makes you feel he will not sneak behind your back again? because you and your kids have coerced him into writing a cruel letter. which your kids should have had NO say in.

STOP RIGHT THERE, i do feel sorry for your kids having been put into this mess. and it always breaks my heart to see that children of any age have been devistated by the actions of a parent. but there anger is being misderected at their half brother because of their fathers actions.

so here is my final question to you. what happens to your kids opinion of their father should say he decides that oc and ow need him, are more important to him after 10 years, and his present marriage is not where he wants to spend his remaining years? what is stopping him from writing another NC letter to them at that time since they are grown and off in their own lives while the oc is still small and needs his support?

although i disagree with the "letter to the oc" i still wish that you and your family can find some peace someday.

Dealan-de:

I read my post today again along with all of the other posts. I wanted to say a few things to you based upon what I read.

I didn't think the letter my husband wrote to the OC was a good idea originally and I shared with him what everybody wrote on this forum.

He never had a real relationship with the child. I don't think anybody really got that. Maybe it doesn't matter but the only relationship he had was just recently this year when he visited all of us. If you or anybody would go back to the original post I made, it might be clear that there was a time span of more than four years that my H didn't have any contact with her or the OC. When he did have contact, it was extremely brief. In otherwords no outings or trips. Just extremely short and seldom visits. Maybe I didn't make myself very clear. It's difficult with all of the emotions to even write about this stuff. We forget to explain fine details.

Regardless, it doesn't make it right to the forum that the letters were sent but the OW hasn't bothered us. The OC has written and so has my H. According to my husband, the OW pushed the OC on him. He never wanted to have any contact but she called and called over and over again begging him to see the OC.

I realize that the OW and my H are both at fault but I have to tell you she was ruthless. She wouldn't leave him alone. I think now that she's received the letter from all of us and I did make the changes that were suggested; she understands now that we don't want her calling and e-mailing.

Thanks for reading this. I just felt like I wanted to clarify a few things to you.

AS........You wait almost a month to reply to a post and then come up with some half-truth (and I'm being considerate here) story?

Who cares?????? I would probably have to guess nobody. :RollieEyes: