His situation is different from yours in that it was not his first child.
That is something that has hurt and continues to hurt is that my first born is not bilogiacally mine so technically other than my daughter i will not have my son to carry on my blood line.
Someone recommended that you seek out Gack, who responded to your wife�s thread, but Gack�s decision is also different in that he had a choice that you, DRO, did not have because your wife stole that from you. Because she could not bring herself to tell the truth until it was two years after the fact, you bonded with your son, believing him to be yours and, as any man can attest, it is one of the pivotal moments in a man�s life, to have that fleeting time with one�s firstborn son.
This hurt like no other but that bond that i built with my son is also what kept me with my wife because i knew that if i divorced i technically had no legal right to my son and i would probably not see him again.
Not many men can imagine themselves in your position, having that happy time dashed from you in one cruel moment. If she had been truthful from the start and let you know that the child perhaps was not yours, it would have left you with the choice to accept what was to come, or to divorce and let her find her own way and you find yours. The decision would have been easy if you knew from the get-go, but becomes so much harder because you have developed feelings of love for the child. Even more than the infidelity, the dishonesty, and fraud were the ultimate betrayal.
Had I known from the begining i like you said would have had the choice to say yes or no i want to keep going. Like most people think my choice would hav probably been to get the heck out of dodge cut my losses and leave. Had i chosen to stay at that time i would have been able too look at it in a different light, it woudl have been like i am adopting him not believing he is mine all those years and then having it taken away.
Right now, you are like a broken record. I am not sure if you are old enough to have played vinyl records on a turntable, but if a record has a deep scratch in the grooves, it would play fine until that point and then jump back several minutes before. Right now, that is you. You see your son, and remember how good it was for you when he was born, and how happy you were at that time, full of trust for your wife, and everything was right with your world. Suddenly, your mind hits that scratch in the record and reality sets in and you remember what our wife has done, and the son that you were so proud of is really not yours, and the anger wells up inside of you and the release is the fights you have with your wife. Then the needle moves back and the scene plays out over and over again.
That is exactly how I feel. I do think i can get through it. I love my kids and can't see a life without them.
In your posts you keep stating that you love your wife � may I ask why? What is it about your wife that you love?
I ask myself the same question from time to time. What i come up with is even though we have had mostlyhard times there have been good ones and i just revert back to those. She is kind and loving its not always all hateful like she writes on here she does try to be civil and loving when she is around me.
Can you tell me what it is that your wife does to show you that she loves you?
For example even after she found out about my A she still came and brought me food to work or if i forgot something she still came by and brought it to me. granted it was probably to check up on me but even if it was she still brought me stuff in the process. she even afte everything has been meeting my needs.
Because from what I see from her posts, your wife has minimized what she has done to you, justified her affair by blaming you, did nothing much at all to recover from her affair, disparages you as a spouse because you don�t do housework after a 12+ hour day in a job that she is aware of the requirements for, being former military herself, and has some anger management issues that she dismisses as being overly emotional. Do I have that pretty much as right?
Yes thats pretty much how it went before my A happened and i obviously had problems with it, i dealt with all of that for as long as i could before i broke. yea i should have divorced before i went a did what i did and i should have done it with a single person as well. i wasn't thinking about all of that it was just pretty much i'm free from my wife doing all this Sh** to me so i'm going to get what i've been missing. The female just happened to be the one closest and willing at the time.
Because from my perspective she is someone that saw herself as entitled to have an affair, entitled to use denial of sex to you as a weapon when you don�t comply with her game plan, and has pretty much trashed you in her posts here as a poor husband with violent tendencies. So much for plan A, huh?
However, I have EMPATHY for your wife in that she is really in an untenable situation. She can�t go back in time to change things, all she can do is try to find a way to make things right between the two of you. Which for most women in her situation would be a Sisyphean task given that for most men this is the ultimate deal-breaker. I mean why stay with a woman that has an affair and is stupid enough to get pregnant with another guy�s child? Do you see what I�m saying? Your wife could be the poster child for MB principles, do the best Plan A, adhere to the principles of POJA, 15 hours per week of uninterrupted time, yada yada yada, but it doesn�t mean a damn thing if you can�t bring yourself to accept that your pride and joy first son is not your own biological son. Don�t expect the women here to understand that, it�s a guy thing, that�s the reason most of the guys on these boards don�t respond to either you or your wife�s threads. Most guys in your position would be gone, DRO. Know that is going to be incredibly hard work for you to overcome these recurring feelings of anger and resentment, but that is exactly what you must do if you want to recover your marriage. All of what your wife has done to you is like a heavy bag that you are carrying around with a lot of anger and resentment � but all you have to do is set it down and walk away. Can you do that, DRO, and put in the effort that is needed to put Humpty-Dumpty back together again? I wonder if your wife can, she seems more interested in being angry at you not conforming to her game plan of getting you to forget what she has done and �working� on your marriage according to her terms.
I think of all this all the time in a constant loop. for the most part apart from the obvious i try todo the right thing sometimes it has worked for me most the time it hasnt but i'm just going to keep on trying. She has been making what to me seem like alot of demands and for the most part i've been trying to swallow my pride yet again because this time i'm the one that jacked up and do as she says. but all the rules that she is putting on me and the lectures and everything do wear on me because i dont think that i should be getting treated as a kid. but i do deal with it for various reasons.
I tried a couple of time talking to her about divorcing not only for both our sanities but not to have a bad environment for the kids but all she comes back to me is with I'M NOT GIVING YOU A DIVORCE. and then we just keep trying again. but here lately it has been going very well. when we both put in the effort it does go well.
). If you're around, let me know how I can help.
. I have forgotten so many of the good people that helped me get thru that confusing time in my life. 