Me-BW
Him-FWH
D Date- 2010 (thought it was just flirting) 2012- found out it was affair
OC- 2013 She notified me 4 days before Christmas (child is almost 2)

I decided to post today because I wanted to ask about trying to stop myself from dwelling on OW and OC. We have 3 young COM that I need to put first and stop letting this consume so much of my time and emotions. We also have two grown children from his previous marriage that I consider to be "ours".

I have been back and forth on feeling like a bad person because he wanted nothing to do with OC. I have never been in a situation where someone I know does not have a relationship with their child. I have found myself not even knowing what or whether to pray, because I am standing by my husband that has stated it is best for our family if he has nothing to do with the OW therefore OC. My heart has been torn apart by the discovery of the ongoing affair, torn apart by the OC being born, and now torn apart by feelings that he/we are "bad people" for not being in OC's life. He does pay CS.

We decided to keep the situation to ourselves and tell COM when they are older since there will be NC.

I was going to write about what some others of you do not to check the OW/OM social network sites and further punish yourselves with what OC looks like or what OW/OM is posting. Well before my sign on could be approved today I went to FB and looked at profile for OC. OW has posted a pic of WH and ONLY time he saw OC as profile pic. I am speechless. I guess it's to let others know he is father or to hurt me if she thinks I look. Now I'm not sure what we should do about telling others if she is getting this bold. Especially our grown kids, I think it should come from us. Or just ride it our and see? Your thoughts?
I have so much going on internally I can't even type it all out right now.

I'm sorry for the reasons you are here.

You and your H are not bad people for having nothing to do with the OW and her OC. It's the least bad of the bad options available to you. That's exactly what Dr. Harley strongly recommends to families in your situation.

Does you live near the OW? Is she still in your lives at all? Where did they meet?

To stop dwelling on it, you would need to simply STOP looking at her FB profile or anything else with info about her. Either block her completely from FB or delete your FB account. Lots of people here have no FB after the affair.

Did you expose the affair?

Are you two working on recovering your marriage so that your post-A marriage is much MUCH better than the one before the A?

Does your H follow Extraordinary Precautions to prevent another affair from happening?

Bijouxia, welcome to Marriage Builders. I want to APPLAUD you and your H for your decision to not have any contact with the OW and the OC. You have made the best decision for ALL. If your husband was in the OC's life, it would be harder for the OW to find someone to father the child. Men are much less likely to father someone else's child if the father is hanging around.

You also did the best thing for your children by protecting your marriage for them.

I would strongly urge you to recover your marriage, though. Most couples do not recover from affairs and simply limp along in a crippled state of the pre-affair marriage. It is a disaster. But you don't have to be like that. PLEASE follow the steps in Surviving an Affair scrupulously if you want to save your marriage.

She lives about 2hrs from us. They knew each other when they lived in the same city years ago. Connected via FB and one thing led to another. He no longer has FB acct.
I'm afraid to say all the details because it makes my H sound like a horrible person. He's a good loving husband (I never suspected anything) and he's a wonderful helpful daddy to our COM. He made some major mistakes for sex and dug himself so deep trying to keep the OW/OC a secret from me. He was so sure I would leave.
I found out about the A and we went to a marriage counselor. I knew OW had a baby but he strongly denied being father. One reason is because in therapy I stated that would crush me to the point of unforgivable. He broke down about lots and opened up about insecurities, childhood and feelings but never the child.
OW messages me via FB 4 days b/f Christmas ( knowing I was8 mths pregnant) and asked "would his OC be joining in with the family for Christmas because he had basically ignored her for her entire life". Crushed, but I held it together for my kids.
Just exposed A/OC to my mom and 3 closest friends. Him to his best friend about A but not OC.
Just found the site and getting the book to start working on rebuilding again. It's a little different stage since we were doing really well with therapy and recovery before the entire story was revealed. Now H is unemployed and we cannot afford 200$ sessions. Trying to do it on our own. Yes, he now is able to be totally honest and prevent another affair.
I'm so scared of ppl judging when A/OC is revealed. What if his family wants contact? What if our adult kids want contact? What do we do? OW has already proven herself to be selfish and wanting my H not OC involved with family. She told my H he needed a DNA test on my 3yoCOM because he's the one that doesn't look like him. This is my miracle baby we had my husband's vasectomy reversed gorgeous and tried to conceive for 2years!!!! Makes me so angry she could say this and so hurt my H would have a relationship with such a hateful and spiteful person.

You are in the best place in the world, because if you will follow the program outlined in the book and the workbook, you can transform your marriage with our help. You will get much better results than with marriage counseling. We can help you do this. Get the book Survving an Affair and the workbook, Five Steps to Romantic Love. Another resource at your disposal is the free radio show by Dr Harley and his wife every week day. You can even write him and he will help you with specific problems.


I would explain to them that the health of your marriage and your COM comes first and ask them to not have any contact. If they go aginst your wishes, you should consider not being around them because they are not a friend of your marriage. The OW is the equivalence of your rapist and that is the last thing you need in your life. The recovery of your marriage depends on cutting the OW out of your lives.


That is really up to them, but I would ask them to wait until the child is an adult so they are not in contact with the OW.

I would also delete your facebook if I were you so you are not tempted to look her up. I am so sorry for your heartbreaking situation.

Thank you so much for listening and responding to me. We will order the books tomorrow. I'm so glad to have found this site in a such a confusing and painful time.

Should we tell the adult kids (18 and19 yo) or wait to see if it is revealed? I don't want them to lose respect for their father. DD is very child/family oriented

Please add me to your prayers tonight. I feel so alone. Embarrassed she has put MY husbands photo on FB with the one time he saw OC.

I'm in my room with my H and three baby boys 3, 16 mths and 11 weeks with me. Thank God for them all. I think I would have lost it by now without them. I want to be "whole" again to love and enjoys them.

Since your children are nearly adults, Dr. Harley would recommend that you tell them about your H's affair and the resulting child.

Respect is earned, and affairs deeply affect the children. They need to know that it is possible to prevent affairs by protecting the marriage. They need to know the mistakes of their parents so they can prevent them in their own.

Your daughter will likely be terribly upset by the exposure, but they still need to know.

Bijouxa, I will add you to my prayers, my friend.

Dr Harley does suggest telling grown kids about the OC, but your situation is so fragile that you might want to get Dr Harley's input. He will also send you a free book if you email him with a question. Dr Harley and his wife, Joyce are extremely warm, kind people who enjoy helping others. I think you could really use that support.

Here is the link to contact him: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html

I'm really sorry you are having to deal with an affair and an OC. It's one of the tougher situations.

If you and your husband go through all the steps in Surviving an Affair and make sure your marriage is protected, then rebuild your marriage so that is romantic, passionate and safe, you will eventually feel a lot better than you do now.

Exactly! When the present is happy, the mind doesn't tend to wander to the tragedies of the past. That is what this program achieves.

THANK GOD your husband had the good sense to know he had to avoid contact with the OW and the OC. THAT will be your saving grace.

Hello! sorry you find yourself here! your situation sounds similar to mine. Although we weren't married yet (but had been together 7 years, living together and all) when OC was conceived, we were married just a month when I found out about OC.

The best thing ever is having no contact. You do not need to feel bad about it. The OW doesn't feel bad about her decision to have a married man's child knowing exactly what she is doing. There is no way to have a normal marriage and involve OW/OC.

I've dealt with everything you've talked about in the last year (actually today is OC's 1st birthday...ugh...but it's pouring out and I can only take that as a sign that God is crying over the celebration of something so evil). I do check OW's facebook from time to time. It used to upset me, but now I just laugh at her. Her silly attempt to make it look like she has a normal life when we know she's struggling because she cried in court about how she can't raise this child on her own.

I've also dealt with my MIL going behind our back for contact with OW/OC. When I first found out we were pregnant (which ended in a miscarriage a few months ago) she decided it wasn't fair to not have a relationship with OC because she wanted all her grandkids. We had to cut her out our lives completely. She thinks that eventually we'll forgive her, but we never will. I will never speak to my MIL again and neither will my H. She knew about the situation before I did and at first pretended to understand how delicate it was. But she was selfish. We blocked her on social media, but I can still see her page and today she put up a picture of OC with a birthday wish and tagged OW. OW responded. Normally it'd upset me...but I can just see years down the line this will backfire in their faces. How do you explain to a child this is your grandmother but you've never met your father and won't met him until you're of age to contact him on your own?

sorry, I always tend to ramble on the board because I don't get to talk about this often and keep a lot of my feelings in so my marriage can get better.

You and your H are in a good place. Continue to rebuild your marriage and try to forget about OW/OC. I know that's hard, but hold your head high and do your best to get on. There's light at the end of this awful tunnel we were put in.

bravo to you, lilbit for taking a hard stance against his mother. Anytime a relative becomes an enemy of your marriage, they should be removed. Dr Harley would have told you to do that very thing. What a despicable, shameful thing for his mother to do!! I have a 32 yr old son and I can't imagine doing that to him and his wife.

thank you! I was so upset at first, I loved my MIL. She was there for me on D-day because it was right before our sons 4th bday and we had planned a trip to see her for his bday (she lives 7 hours away). She was there telling me how the OC probably wasn't even my H's since it was obvious OW was nothing but a whore. She went on and on. So for her to do this hurt. I knew she might want contact eventually, but she could have waited years until the OC could actually talk to her and she didn't have to have a relationship with OW, but she likes drama. So we had to cut her out. We had to show her how serious we were. Since then we've taken a trip there to go see my SIL (who's in college) and stayed in a hotel and never once saw my MIL. After that she's been texting H lately how she misses us and loves him and hopes one day he'll get over it. He just ignores her.

Although my son is only 5 now, I would never betray him and do this to him no matter what the situation was. My loyalty would lie with my son, not some whore and her child. The saddest part is my MIL has given up more than 1 child for adoption and still have no communication with them even though they're of age now and have found her in one way or another. You'd think she'd understand...or I guess it's just her guilt eating at her. *sigh*

sorry for the ramble...it's been a tough day...I just found out I'm pregnant again and waiting for results of my blood tests after 2 miscarriages in the last 6 months. and it's OC's 1st bday.

Congratulations about the pregnancy! This is something to be joyful about!

I'm hoping this one will succeed. I'm sorry for the previous losses.

thank you!! I heard back from my doctor a little while ago and my HCG levels are doubling like they're supposed to (which never happened in my miscarriages). Looks like we're having a baby right before Christmas! we are so excited.

I'm so glad to get this news today, on OC's bday. I thought I was going to be upset today, but I'm calm now. Knowing OW will be celebrating tonight just her and OC all alone and me, my H and our son will be celebrating tonight together completing our family.

Congratulations! Wishing you a happy and healthy pregnancy!

I find myself distancing from my H family already. One I feel like I am keeping a huge family secret. Two, my MIL was not raised by her biological parents and it seems to bother her although she had a good life. If anybody I can imagine MIL and BIL would be interested in contact with OC or downing my H for no C. I'm trying not to think so far ahead, but the reveal to family/friends does bring me lots of anxiety. I know I'm not responsible for this but I am greatly embarrassed. I always thought we had such a good solid marriage and "fairytale". I feel like a fool.
The resentment comes in when I think of all the lies he has told over the years to cover up and about the CS and how much our family could benefit from that money.

I deleted my Facebook, Pinterest and Twitter accounts today. I don't think I would have been strong enough not to look if I had kept the accts. Just another aspect of my life that I enjoyed that now has to change because of this situation.

From reading your posts, you remind me alot of myself and how I've felt/been feeling about the whole situation. The only people in our families that know are my MIL, FIL (who only found out because H and him have the same name and CS papers went to FIL first), my mother (who I told shortly after d-day at a time I wasn't sure if I was staying or not, and now I wish I hadn't said anything), my sister and my cousin. The OW in our case went to college with us so on facebook she had many friends in common (neither of us have FB though) and once MIL started posting on her page it became obvious to people what was going on. I was so sad from the embarrassment I wanted to curl up and cry. But then H reminded me...yes it looks bad on him and our family, but how it looks even worse for OW. I know what you mean by resentment. Every time we could use extra money for something I get upset thinking that money he's forced to pay OW every month could be going to it. It's a resentment that I'm not sure will ever leave until the money doesn't have to be paid.

I wish there was a better way to navigate these situations...they all around suck!

Yes the situation does all around suck. Hard to think it will never really go away. Chances after the 18 years of CS the child is coming looking for dad and time to get ready for something new. Even if I decided to end my marriage and move on CS will still be paid leaving less for COM and one day I'd have to deal with OC and COM as adults. No end.

Why do you regret telling your mom?

Yes, my H tells me the same thing about not being embarrassed. It is him and the OW that look bad. That doesn't help me much. I still feel people will think I'm stupid for staying or pity me or relish the fact of whatever isn't good in their marriage-mine is worse.

Looking back I wish things had gone differently. When my H found out OW was pregnant and it might be his or someone elses him and I were at a turning point in our relationship. He had already ended his affair with her (she waited 5 months before telling him she was pregnant) and him and I were picking up the pieces of our broken relationship and moving on. He knew after hearing this from her that I would leave so he confided in his mom who told him not to say anything to me until he knew for sure he was the father cause there was no point in getting all worked up if he wasn't. Even when she contacted him after the birth to say the other man tested came back 0% his mother told him to wait and tell me, but he told me right away (I should have known my MIL was a [censored] even back then...but she's 2 faced)

I wish my husband had come right to me and we could have kept everything just between us and not told anyone at all. The reason other people found out was because of my MIL & FIL befriending OW on facebook and commenting on her pictures. I regret telling my mom because of course she looks at me bad for staying in the marriage. I'm even nervous to tell her I'm pregnant now because I know she'll say something about my husband having another kid.

I know how hard it is to not be embarrassed. I often wonder if we feel this weight of the embarrassment, how OW's even live with themselves with the embarrassment they must feel of walking around with a child that screams you're a home wrecker. But then I realize if they were smart enough to think that way...they wouldn't be OW's in the first place let alone OW's who are stupid enough to get pregnant and keep a married mans baby.

I feel the same way about even if you end the marriage. It's not like it even goes away then. You're still left with the resentment because now you're getting even less than the OW since she tied up the finical resources first (even if you had the kids first). Not to mention the "defeat" of the OW getting exactly what she wanted by breaking up a family.

I wish there was a better solution. All I can say for now is to focus on your marriage. Focus on making you guys strong again...it took us a little while to get there and the thought of this situation never leaves your head. But as time goes on if you build your marriage stronger you will be able to face it all together and you will take joy in the victories you get by keeping your marriage together.

Sorry your mom isn't supportive. The situation is tough enough. It's easier to be mad or resentful of someone when you're not in love with them.

I hope the thoughts of the OW/OC get less over time. Right now it's consuming my thoughts.

Hi Bijouxia,

I am so sorry you are having to deal with so much especially with little ones. There are a lot of old posts by BW's whose husbands went NC with the OC. There are also those of us who have contact. I think most of us with contact will tell you that we advocate for NC. That is what is best for the marriage and what is best for the marriage is best for the COM.

I am sorry this board is not as active as it used to be but you are getting some great support. I just wanted to pop in and tell you that you are doing the right thing by going NC and you should be very pleased that your H is standing for your marriage.

As for your adult step children. I think you and your H need to tell them. It would break their trust if they found out from someone else. It won't be easy and it will embarrass your H but over time they will be able to see the strength in the decision your husband made.