Marriage Builders®
Posted By: somebody123 It Happened to Me - 08/09/16 08:08 PM
Here is my story in a nut shell. I can't even believe this has happened. I didn't even know about this unit just now.

Background - My Husband and I have been together for 13 years. Married 6 years and Separate 1 year. Our marriage was a little rocky before the birth of our first baby. But after the birth it was a nightmare. We had a premature baby that was in the hospital for months and then upon coming home needed a ton of support. We were basically keeping the baby alive. We had no nursing or any other help. A lot of this was my fault as when my baby came home, I wanted to have my baby all to myself, six months in a hospital sharing with the nurses always telling me what I could and could not do. I just wanted my baby and to do what I wanted.... It was good but it did become over whelming. I looked for my husband for support but in my eyes he wasn't doing enough. He would go to work and then come home and hardly spend time with us. So my resentments started and his as well, sex stopped and we were roommates that didn't like each other at all. So he left.

1 Year Separated - We have been separated 1 year and during that year my husband hardly came by to see our son, like 1 week for 3o minutes. Sometimes we would go to dinner, sometimes we hangout. Sometime he would text me he wanted to come home, but never did. Since the day he left I told him I wanted to fix this.

1 Month Ago - My husband said lets try to get back together. So I was happy and we were trying and things looked great. Well thats what I thought. Until I got an email from an anonymous person saying my son had a half brother!! You can imagine my surprise. Slowly I got the truth out of my husband. When my husband left 1 year ago he had been talking to another girl. He says he didn't do anything with her until after he left but I'm not sure. Based on the age of the baby they would have had to hooked up with 1 week or soon of him leaving. So I learned the truth my husband had been cheating on me, got another girl pregnant, lied to me for a year and never had the balls to tell me. Of course I looked on Facebook and I see her and my husband photos and the baby and family... Looks like a perfect little picture. Really does piss me off that this OW puts that stuff up like he not a married man!

Side Note - this girl lives in another state and they saw each other like 6 times, so I was told. Anyway, neither of them were going to quit their jobs to be with one another. Well I think......

The Hard Parts for me - He didn't break up with her before he asked to get back with me. So I can only assume he was keeping his options open. He hardly came to see our son, which he said was because he felt so guilty.

Today - I have asked for paternity test. They will go this week. Hubby has broken up with OW but he didn't tell her anything about me. He says he not sure if he wants to be with me or alone now. So he doesn't want to tell OW about me. I'm guessing he is trying not to hurt her. He keeps messing with my head, a year he strings me along along, giving me hope a at times, then tells me he wants to be with me, then after I find out this dirty secret he is not sure.....


Its such a mess we are hanging out tonight and having dinner and in 2 weeks going on a trip. So I don't know what to think. I'm all sorts of confused on this. I wanted my marriage to work since the day he left, but now its going to be so much harder.

I've read all the post about him having to break off relationship with OW and OC. I do think for us to start working o bus, he does need to tell her his trying to work on his marriage and to stop communicating. I'm waiting to the test results....... Of course I am wishing its not his.....
Posted By: SugarCane Re: It Happened to Me - 08/09/16 08:29 PM
Originally Posted By: somebody123
Here is my story in a nut shell. I can't even believe this has happened. I didn't even know about this unit just now.

Background - My Husband and I have been together for 13 years. Married 6 years and Separate 1 year. Our marriage was a little rocky before the birth of our first baby. But after the birth it was a nightmare. We had a premature baby that was in the hospital for months and then upon coming home needed a ton of support. We were basically keeping the baby alive. We had no nursing or any other help. A lot of this was my fault as when my baby came home, I wanted to have my baby all to myself, six months in a hospital sharing with the nurses always telling me what I could and could not do. I just wanted my baby and to do what I wanted.... It was good but it did become over whelming. I looked for my husband for support but in my eyes he wasn't doing enough. He would go to work and then come home and hardly spend time with us. So my resentments started and his as well, sex stopped and we were roommates that didn't like each other at all. So he left.

1 Year Separated - We have been separated 1 year and during that year my husband hardly came by to see our son, like 1 week for 3o minutes. Sometimes we would go to dinner, sometimes we hangout. Sometime he would text me he wanted to come home, but never did. Since the day he left I told him I wanted to fix this.

1 Month Ago - My husband said lets try to get back together. So I was happy and we were trying and things looked great. Well thats what I thought. Until I got an email from an anonymous person saying my son had a half brother!! You can imagine my surprise. Slowly I got the truth out of my husband. When my husband left 1 year ago he had been talking to another girl. He says he didn't do anything with her until after he left but I'm not sure. Based on the age of the baby they would have had to hooked up with 1 week or soon of him leaving. So I learned the truth my husband had been cheating on me, got another girl pregnant, lied to me for a year and never had the balls to tell me. Of course I looked on Facebook and I see her and my husband photos and the baby and family... Looks like a perfect little picture. Really does piss me off that this OW puts that stuff up like he not a married man!

Side Note - this girl lives in another state and they saw each other like 6 times, so I was told. Anyway, neither of them were going to quit their jobs to be with one another. Well I think......

The Hard Parts for me - He didn't break up with her before he asked to get back with me. So I can only assume he was keeping his options open. He hardly came to see our son, which he said was because he felt so guilty.

Today - I have asked for paternity test. They will go this week. Hubby has broken up with OW but he didn't tell her anything about me. He says he not sure if he wants to be with me or alone now. So he doesn't want to tell OW about me. I'm guessing he is trying not to hurt her. He keeps messing with my head, a year he strings me along along, giving me hope a at times, then tells me he wants to be with me, then after I find out this dirty secret he is not sure.....


Its such a mess we are hanging out tonight and having dinner and in 2 weeks going on a trip. So I don't know what to think. I'm all sorts of confused on this. I wanted my marriage to work since the day he left, but now its going to be so much harder.

I've read all the post about him having to break off relationship with OW and OC. I do think for us to start working o bus, he does need to tell her his trying to work on his marriage and to stop communicating. I'm waiting to the test results....... Of course I am wishing its not his.....

Welcome to MB, and I'm sorry to hear about the problems in your marriage. This is a terrible mess.

The only way that your marriage can work is for you to stop your husband from taking that paternity test, and then to follow what you've read about cutting all contact with OW and OC. Only if your husband is court ordered to do a test should he go through with one. He would need to send OW an No Contact letter, which would, by definition, contain an acknowledgement of the fact that he is with you. You should not have accepted him back while allowing him to hide the fact that he is with you and your son. He is hedging his bets and eating cake. He is in no way committed, as yet.

You are correct that your husband does not seem very strongly to want to be with you and you only. I doubt his sincerity. If you are to try to rebuild this marriage, you will have to have a way of knowing with absolute certainty that there is no contact between him and OW and her child. This might mean moving away and changing jobs.

Before I go any further, please tell me where you husband is living, Has he moved back in with you?
Posted By: markos Re: It Happened to Me - 08/09/16 09:40 PM
somebody, I am very sorry all this has happened to you and your child.

As you already know, if your marriage is going to recover, it will be crucial for your husband to break off contact with the OW for life.

And as SugarCane says, in order to do that, your husband should NOT take a paternity test unless court ordered and should not support the child unless court ordered. He should simply write her a letter just like Dr. Harley describes in Surviving an Affair, ending the relationship for good and insisting that she never contact him again. If he is forced to take a paternity test and forced to support the child financially then your marriage can still recover, but he should not try to have contact with the child or the OW.

If your husband isn't willing to do this, then there is no way your marriage can recover, and your best bet is to get a divorce attorney who can make sure he pays you child support, and build a new life where you simply don't see or talk to him any more.
Posted By: somebody123 Re: It Happened to Me - 08/10/16 11:20 AM
Can't stop the paternity test now, he already asked her. I don't understand your reasoning behind not knowing? But again its too late, its going to happen. If its not his then this part of it goes away. i'm not counting on it. She is not asking for child support at this time. I am told she makes great money.

I am not living with my husband. He came for dinner last night, it was nice.

I checked the phone records this morning and I shouldn't do this but its like I need to know. Of course he is still calling her a couple times a day. It breaks my heart when I see this. She will use that kid to talk to him.

I don't understand any of this. I've read so much on affairs any why they happen and how each side feels. I feel like I should have cheated cause it seems like they have the easy side of it all. I'm just over here feeling like a doormat. I hate that OW, and my husband right now.

I will tell him again, that he needs to tell her about us, and to stop talking to her. I wish I could tell her the other side of the story, that he is lying to her too. I wondering what she is thinking, what he tells her about me.

AHHHHHHHHHH..................... It make me so sick.



Posted By: SugarCane Re: It Happened to Me - 08/10/16 12:12 PM
Originally Posted By: somebody123
Can't stop the paternity test now, he already asked her. I don't understand your reasoning behind not knowing? But again its too late, its going to happen.

It doesn't matter that he has already asked her. All he has to do is not turn up to the appointment. There is no reason that the test must happen. There is human will involved in this, after all - the test is not a force of nature.

The reasoning behind not knowing is exactly what you said: if the child turns out to be his, OW will make your marriage a misery to the point where it will eventually break down. You need to ask yourself which relationship, and which children, need to be protected here; your marriage, and the children of that marriage, or his relationship with OC, and by extension his relationship with OW. It cannot be both. If he tries to protect both relationships, he will keep the affair alive, which will spell the end of your marriage.

Do you want to protect yourself and your children, or do you feel more loyalty to OW and her child?

There is a huge amount that you should be reading in this Pregnancy section of this board. Please click on several of the threads here, and learn and understand the advice that Dr. Harley gives in these situations. You have posted on Dr Harley's forum, and I take it that you are seeking the advice that he gives. You need thoroughly to learn and understand his principles for saving the marriage.

Please also listen to these audio clips, posted by MelodyLane in 2012. They are extracts from Dr Harley's radio show, in which he explains why an unfaithful husband should not acknowledge an OC, and should have no contact with that child, if he wants his marriage to recover:

Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
Dr Harley counsels a WH and a BW about an OC situation on todays radio show. It was an awesome show! He walks them through how it should be handled. The husband is refusing to not see his OC and Dr Harley tells him why he needs to never have contact with the child or the OW. It is the 3-13-12 show and you can listen to it by clicking here:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3684
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3685
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3686
Posted By: SugarCane Re: It Happened to Me - 08/10/16 12:37 PM
Originally Posted By: somebody123
I checked the phone records this morning and I shouldn't do this but its like I need to know. Of course he is still calling her a couple times a day. It breaks my heart when I see this. She will use that kid to talk to him.

I will tell him again, that he needs to tell her about us, and to stop talking to her. I wish I could tell her the other side of the story, that he is lying to her too. I wondering what she is thinking, what he tells her about me.

Your husband is not serious about ending this affair, or he would have done so by now. He is stringing you along, and eating cake (as well as dinner) round at your house, and also round at hers. He is getting his needs met by two women, and giving little or nothing to both of them - the perfect life. He can keep up that situation for ever, since there is no incentive for him to end either relationship. The only way for it to be brought to a close is for you to end it.

You need to read and learn Dr Harley's guidelines for ending an affair. Your husband needs to agree never to have contact in any form with this woman again, and that includes going to the paternity test. Let a judge order him to take a test if OW goes that far, but unless that happens, his relationship with OC and her child is OVER, this instant, if he is serious about rebuilding with you.

He needs to hand write a No Contact letter, and you need to check the wording and post it. You need to work out a means of never seeing OW again, and this might mean moving house. You can do that this week, by putting your house up for rent and renting one somewhere else. It might also mean his changing job; he needs to give his notice today, and take leave immediately, if they work together, or if he works near where she lives.

Moving house and job might seem like overkill, but the risk to your marriage is immense if you don't. You are facing perhaps a few months of economic hardship by moving suddenly, versus the next 18 years of OW demanding that your husband stay in her child's life - because she really wants to take him away from you. You might be able to hold out against her tactics for a year or two, but your marriage will break down when they inevitably maintain their sexual relationship - and you need to know that that will absolutely happen.

He needs to agree enthusiastically to do all this TODAY, and if he doesn't, you should give him up and let her have him - she has him anyway. See a lawyer and get maintenance and child support for you and your kids.

You certainly should and must check the phone receipts, and you need to do this for the foreseeable future, if he claims to have ended the affair. You must, in fact, find a better way of spying, so that you know what they text each other, and what they say on the phone. There is a whole forum here, called Operation Investigate, that you need to read through to find resources.

Your spying needs forever to be secret. You must never let him know how you know what you know. For now, you don't need to tell him that you know he speaks to her every day, because he has not committed to the marriage. You need to see if that commitment (including not going to the test, No Contact, moving house etc) is forthcoming, and if it is, you then demand transparency with his phone, email and workplace communications. You continue to spy, and take further decisions if you find further contact.

The task of keeping your marriage together is monumental with the fact of an OC. If you do not get this right from the beginning - starting with no paternity test - you will live to see your marriage collapse, quite soon.
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