We had a nice Thanksgiving at my H's parents house. First time we have all been there as a family since last Thanksgiving. I have been lot's of times, but H hasn't been with me. H is still working with OW and to my knowledge he isn't visiting OC. We are just sort of on neutral. Not unhappy, but not really in recovery & rebuilding a marriage.<P>Anyway, I have been doing good. No ups & downs. Then for some reason I just got suspicious on Saturday after we got back into town. I checked in his briefcase & mixed in with some papers from work was a large office envelope & last person listed was OW. Well, I looked in it and there was a childrens book titled "Dinosaurs Divorce" and a small newspaper clipping. The clipping was from an advice column & some woman was asking about waiting on her married man to leave his wife & the reply that was given to this woman. Well, I just got pi--ed! How dare this slut sent my H a book on how to tell our children about divorce! If and when it comes to that solution, I damm sure don't need her help in explaining the situation to my children! <P>Do you think there are books out there to assist in explaining to a child "why you don't have a daddy"? I would love to send her a copy with my "thanks but no thanks" for all her concern. <P>Just when you think you have seen gall, you get surprised. I have once again told my H that I cannot live this way. He either tells her she is out of his life or I will get out. He just cannot have two families. He still has not told her he is staying with me. I think that says it all. He says he doesn't want to upset her and have her jepordize his job. As i have said over & over to him, I would rather have him work at K-Mart and have our family inpact & have peace of mind. I think he is just lieing to me and plans to have it all, our family & his "other family". even his counselor has told him he should get this figured out. Talk about conflict avoider. <P>Oh well... we will see how it goes. Thanks to all of you for letting me rattle on. <P>Carolyn

I certaintly cannot believe the b#lls on this woman! Unfortunately your husband's indecision enables her to do these things.<P>It is time for your husband to get off the fence and make a decision. It is bad enough he made this mistake but to put you through this cruelty is just downright wrong. <P>Takingcare I am sorry you and your H are not moving forward in recovery but you can't until he makes the conscious decision to be with you. You cannot move forward until he lets this OW know point blank that he wants to build his future with you. <P>It is time for your husband to be totally honest with you. Does he want a divorce? Does he want to be with this OW? Does he want to make this marriage work? You deserve the honest answers to these questions. His answers must be backed up by action. God bless you. <P>

WARNING, ugly, only half serious post below.<P><BR>Maybe you should write a book called "Why daddy isn't leaving his wife and family to be with OW. <P>Give me a break. Send the book back and tell her to keep her nose out of your childrens lives. Who does she think she is ? <P>See, I warned you it would be ugly. <P>------------------<BR>Deb<P>Hepatitis C, Please educate yourself ! <A HREF="http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In" TARGET=_blank>http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In</A> memory of a very dear friend <A HREF="http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp" TARGET=_blank>http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp</A>

tc,<BR>Wow, that's some gonads all right!! These OW come up with some real doozies. I agree that your H needs to get off the fence and set boundaries here. Could he be leading the OW on more than you know? Are you willing to set him a time-line for new rules? I couldn't live like that. He does sound like a conflict-avoider, one of the types discussed at <A HREF="http://www.affairs-help.com" TARGET=_blank>www.affairs-help.com</A> My H understands now that conflicting avoiding is a problem that needs to be changed, not a "solution" andd it's really helped our relationship.<P>Best wishes,<BR>J<P>

tc,<P>I love the idea of sending the "lady born from a dog" either book mentioned above! The really great thing about sending her something would be the implication that your H shared her little package with you -- that would drive her wild!<P>Your H needs to start looking for another job (preferably in another town). Maybe you should begin his search for him and find some possibilities. That would show you whether or not he is interested in moving on or is just giving lip service to it.<P>But, as the others have said, you deserve to know the truth...<BR>- Heavenly

Thanks ladies for all the support. I realize that my H is the big problem. If he had cut off all connections and moved jobs, things would be different. She has all the contact he allows her to have. And he knows it is not good for us. He keeps saying he wants to be with us, but just cannot seem to put the actions into it. He supposedly isn't seeing her (outside of work) but they talk. It is all BS. He doesn't want anyone to think ill of him. Bleeeck! I have started job searches, pulled stuff up on internet, contacted headhunters, etc. He acts like that woudl be a good idea, but won't actually do anything. I have always known he was a bit lazy and honestly always thought he was too lazy to start an affair! Ha!<P>I have asked him twice to move on out & think this over, but he won't do it. He took a long business trip and came back talking about us, but this other stuff still goes on. Anyway, i have told him that after the holidays I will be finishing up the work on divorce papers & getting a date. Told him I will have a proposed split of property written out for him to review when he gets back in town this Friday (yes... he is out of town again). He was really struck by that. It made me sad also, but I just don't know what else to do. I do not want my children to live in a split home, but I cannot live in this situation. OW seems to just hang in there. Guess she can Plan A better than me. <P>This sounds more glum than I actually am. I feel ok and know my reasons for doing each step I take. My objective has always been to do what is best for my children. Knowing that I am on that path keeps me stable and at peace.<P>Thanks again girls! <P>Take care... Carolyn