Why stay? - Marriage Builders® Forums

I hope I don't get flamed for asking this question, but since i've been posting here it's the one thing that I just don't get.Why do people stay after there's an affair. I guess I understand if you're a stay-at-home-parent. Or if you are financially dependant on the other person. But if you're financially independant, your spouse is a jerk, there are oc involved I don't get it.Some of the spouses I have read about on this site sound like plain jerks. And then I read about BS's who are still pining away. I'm flabbergasted!?I had a 4.5 year relationship and I gave my all. [we were not married]. This man was my life! We had a fight during which he said to me "i'm not in love with you anymore."I cried the whole time I was packing my stuff and shopping for maps. I moved out a week later and never looked back. He came home a day or so later saying "I didn't really mean it...i was just angry...please forgive me..." I was thinking (and said to him), "no baby, you said what you meant and that's ok. See YA!" I loved him for a LONG time after I left. But I loved him from NY where I made my new life, while he sat back in Indiana without me.All of that to say, help me understand. Why do you stay?

One day when you get married and have a family you will understand.

Katie, Everyone has their own reasons for staying. I know that in my case, I truly love my H and he loves me. The proof of that is his willingness to raise Abbi as his own child! We have so much time invested, half our lives, in our relationship, and have seen the problems for what they are, and have worked, and are still working on those problems. If you have ever listened to a wedding ceremony, you will remember the vows of "For better or for worse...". Yes, I know that it also states "Forsaking all others...", but sometimes it happens. And I truly believe that if you look back at those vows, you can see what is more important.Having just a relationship, without marriage, is so different. Yes, you can have commitment, but there is nothing holding you to that commitment. In a marriage, you speak vows. Yes, you may have broken those vows, but it is damage that can be repaired, if both parties are willing to work at it.I am not "flaming" you, so please don't take it as such. My H could have left me for what I had done, and vice versa, but we decided that it was not what we needed. What we did need was to take a good look at what caused our problems, and to work at solving those problems. No one can ever have a truly "perfect" marriage, but if you work towards that goal, together, you can come pretty darn close. Nothing in this life is perfect. Tigger

I have to agree with Champ until you get married you'll never understand why a BS stays with a WS. I used to say and do what you did I had no problem dropping one of my BF's. To tell you the truth I served my H with divorce papers three days after D-Day. But I stayed for a different reason one you will understand when/if you get married. Unsure

I have a child. When my son was 1 he took a liking to this man who lived in the neighborhood. This guy began coming over all of the time and playing with Jordan.Initially, I really was NOT romantically interested in this guy, but because he seemed to ALWAYS be there we began to talk and eventually date. The 3 of us became a family in time. It was great for about a year when things began to sour between this man and I.He remained around for my son for a time, but by the time J was 2.5 he was tired of being disappointed and broken promises. He went from calling this guy "daddy" to calling him "that man." [i NEVER encouraged him to call him anything]Anyway once that love was gone, there was no more relationship for any of us.So I get some idea of why people stay, but honestly, not really.Maybe my ego is just too big, because it just felt like I was disrespecting myself and the meaning of "family" to chase a man into being my partner.

Maybe I should clarify.I completely understand staying if both people wnat to work it out. My bigger question, I guess, is when only 1 person wants to work it out. How long to you wait for the infamous "fog" to lift? How long do you hold out hope? Forever?I guess that would vary from person to person.I was the GF and then TOW to the same man for nearly 10 years. I dated him, we seperated, he met/married his wife and we remained a couple. I love/d him and cherished the connection that I had/have with his heart.I don't know. Maybe it's just a mystery. Or maybe I know more about staying then I think. I stuck around [sometimes in the foreground and sometimes in the background] for a long, long time.

Hi Katie, That's a good question and one that I don't understand even though I am married!My first reaction was to leave the SOB and really thought that I was going to. Especially because I asked him for a divorce 2 weeks prior to d-day anyways. Life was miserable for me and he wasn't working on the relationship and I wanted out! It took me a long time to even ask for the divorce because I am mostly a SAHM and I homeschool. I really dislike his family and know that my kids would be around them alot more than they are now. I don't feel that it's safe. I figured with us working opposite shifts, I would have to see H almost as much as I do now because we would be exchanging the kids daily. It wouldn't be like they'd be picked up from school or something. I finally decided that I didn't care what it took, I was getting out!Then two weeks later, I find out and everything just progressively changes. We did love each other once and all the communicating that we were doing was helping to bring the love up out from under the layers of muck. He has made a huge effort to change. If he hadn't and if he goes back to his old ways, I will not stay with him. I love myself too much to allow people to continually treat me like crap. I love my kids and although by staying, they might learn to work on problems, they might also learn that they can treat anyone like dirt and get away with it. Only time will tell, I suppose.Wedding vows are more than forsaking all others and til death to us part. It is to honor and love as well. If my spouse it not going to honor and love me, that's also breaking the wedding vows, right? I also don't understand why people would stay if there spouse is not working on things or continued affairs. We usually don't understand these things until and unless we're right in the middle of it all!~peace

KS,I didn't go through a fog period with my H. My divorce papers lifted any fog that exsisted. I was willing to try but my H had to connvice me that he had changed. (Once I decided to see if a second chance was possible) I think everybody here respects themselves they just deal with things differently.I know for a fact I can't share a man no matter what! (Not knowingly anyway, not knocking you who have done it) I have too big of an ego to share a man for 10 years. If he wanted/loved me he would have never married another woman. I'm not flaming you just telling you how I feel. I would honestly feel like I wasted 10 years of my life being with a man who ended up with his wife. 
UnsureTigger I just saw your post we must have posted at the same time. I agree with what you are saying too.[ November 16, 2001: Message edited by: UNSure919400 ]

D.P.[ November 16, 2001: Message edited by: UNSure919400 ]

Dupl post[ November 16, 2001: Message edited by: UNSure919400 ]

Hi Katie,It's me the confused butterfly hee hee..I know from the outside looking in, it's very hard to understand. When I first got married, one of the things I knew in my heart that I wouldn't budge on was my h cheating..but then I got a double whamie! Cheating and and OC! I don't know how to explain it...I mean we went through our trials and I actually hated him at first and started the divorce papers immediately..He did the whole..sorry, forgive me..I wasn't going to let this man have his cake and eat it too?! I mean I thought I would be an idiot/sucker for staying..But, when all the initial shock calmed, there was only broken hearts, tears left and sorrow reflecting on our marriage vows, our memories, our love, our home. I mean we were young, we were only 20? I knew deep in my heart he was sorry..and I knew that letting him back inside my heart would be a risk, but hey many years later, this situation has only brought us closer, made us better lovers, friends and parents to our children and the decision to stay with this wonderful man is something I will never regret for the rest of my days...he cooks, he cleans, he does laundry, he massages my feet! I think it just comes down to..when you get married, you will know..now the real question is, why stay with a man who is a serial cheater and has numerous oc's with different women, I think that is something I think is wrong..and that is not love...

I have a friend who is married and commitem to staying married. That's great expect for the fact that the 2 of them barely agree on anything. I love my friend, but think that he sucks as a husband. He talks about staying for the kids, but to me it seems to me that they are raising their kids in tons and tons of muck.Just one woman's opinion.

Hmmmm,
Lots of interesting perspectives.Unsure,
I guess I never thought of my 10 years as wasted because my goals were differnt than most. I didn't want to marry him. Frankly, I wanted sex, friendship, nice things and attention. I got all that, so to me it was time well spent.It is only now that i'm thinking maybe it wasn't the best decision simply because it wasn't fair to his wife. For a LONG time i'll bet she probably didn't know. But I feel like I haven't lost a thing.

Katie, I don't normally post on this board since there is no OC involved in my situation, but I figured that this question is fairly general to all BS's. My H had an affair almost 4 years ago. It lasted for 2 months and ended with him confessing to me. Contact between my H and the OW was limited to emails and phone calls for a few weeks after d-day and then ended. My H switched jobs and we moved away and never looked back.Now to answer your question...I think that my reasons for staying are many. My H and I had been married for 11 years when the affair happened. We had a home, a life together, and children that I have always stayed home with. I would be lying if I said that part of my reason for staying wasn't because of them, at least initially. It would have been very hard for me to be a single parent and getting a job would be difficult with little experience. My lifestyle would have changed drastically. I think that we all consider our children when making the decision to stay or go...it's instinctual to want to do what's best for them and to protect them. Another big reason for staying was the fact that this was my H's FIRST big mistake! We had a very good marriage and he had always been the perfect husband. Looking back I don't recall any major problems, we had become a little complacent, but overall had a good marriage. I think that affairs happen for many reasons, but it doesn't always mean the marriage was bad or that you want the marriage to end. Someone on MB's once said that "Bad marraiges don't cause affairs, Affairs cause bad marriages"...In some cases this is true. So, since this was our first major hurdle, I couldn't see bailing out without at least trying to fix it. If my H had been a major jerk during our entire marriage, then maybe...but he wasn't.Also, you have to keep in mind that the BS's were NEVER supposed to know about the affair! Our spouses didn't go into an affair trying to hurt us. My H never imagined it would hurt me so severely until he witnessed it. Heck, *I* never imagined that it would hurt so bad and so deep. I was the "if you ever cheat on me I'm outta here" kinda girl. Well, you never really know until it happens to you! My H worked hard to help me heal from the damage he caused. He worked hard to be a great husband again. Most H's will do whatever it takes once they see the horrible pain that it causes their spouse. I beleive that some, not all, OW think that if the MM is risking his marriage and willing to hurt his wife sooo bad THEN they must love you. But the bottom line is that we were never supposed to know and they never imagined the pain it would cause! Ya know OW go into a relationship with MM KNOWING that a wife is involved, yet they still do it. It doesn't matter if he tells you that the wife is Cruella DeVille, the MM still goes home to her every night! So why is it so inconceivable to OW that the wife will stay after finding out about OW? We typically have a lot invested in our marriages and it's to our advantage, to our families advantage to at least TRY and work it out. And most of the time we don't regret the effort because we end up closer than ever and wiser because of it.

Angelface,
Thanks for your response. It makes perfect since to me that you would stay with your H. I guess you didn't read a little further down the thread where I saidMaybe I should clarify.
I completely understand staying if both people wnat to work it out. My bigger question, I guess, is when only 1 person wants to work it out. How long to you wait for the infamous "fog" to lift? How long do you hold out hope? Forever?I think that it is true that some OW go into affairs assuming tht the H will leave his wife. I don't think that that is always the case though.I'm not here to bring honor to being TOW, and I can only speak for me. I have never been a marriage minded person. I have been a "what's in it for me" kind of person. A MM 11 years my senior wanted to be my sugar daddy and I was MORE than happy to let him be. In fact I often joked to my friends that his W and I were a package deal. That if she ever left i'd have to go too. I used to think that she was crazy. I got the perks and she got the work.

You know what's funny. This much time later I don't know that i'd ever trust a man enough be marry.It's been TOOOO easy to be deceptive. Plus i'm schooled lots of my girlfriends in the fine art of TOW-hood.Hmmmm, I guess only time will tell.

Katie, I didn't see your other post until I was done with mine. I agree with you in that it takes TWO people to work on healing from an affair.Ok, I'll tell you something...don't laugh, ok? My H makes a nice living...we have everything that we need and most of what we want. However, my H's OW had a very nice bank account. She was 10 years older than him and took him out to nice dinners and such, and she always insisted on paying. She had the house and pool in the elite part of town that he would have loved to have. I think my H was looking for a sugar mamma, what do you think? Hey, you said that you weren't going to laugh!!!

Is she into chicks? [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] I'm lookin for a sugar mamma too!

[img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Seriously though, I do well. I'm 31 and planning to retire in the Spring. Retire, that it, on my OWN money, not on my former MM's.I have found that it's really not all that hard to get boy toys. Espically the young ones. And truth is you really don't even have to give them anything per se. Just the idea that they could "capture" your heart is enough for a lot of their egos. Ok, i'll quit now. I'm giving away trade secrets. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Nope, Katie, I think that she's mostly into MM...my H was not even her first or last.But if I find out differntly then I'll let ya know...LOL!

Katie,I loved my h, he felt he didn't love me anymore, but i didn't give up and took all the mental abuse for a long time. While i stayed i prayed and changed a big part of me that needed changing. Ultimately, I didn't stay with h because i love to be tortured emotionally, i stayed because what God has joined let NO MAN separate (not husband, not ow, not me). That is my reason.He is not perfect by far, but he has chosen me and confesses that he loves and loved me even when he tried to convince himself that he didn't.
I believe that God's mighty hand can work in any situation where people need help and call on his name. I encourage you to read Romans 1 God Bless,
Julia

Julia,
A question for you. What if he physically or mentally abused your children? Would you stay them?Just a hypothetical.

Katie,
When I replied to your "Would you want to know" post I hadn't read this one. I didn't know where you were coming from. Now I feel compelled to share that your flagrant attitude regarding the sanctity of marriage is the reason most of us are here, hurting. I understand your being in it for your own personal gain, but do you have no regard for the pain you are causing in other peoples lives? Most people here are hurting severely because of actions just like yours, and forgive me, but I don't feel very tolerant of them. I'm sorry to you and others here if I've overstepped etiquette here, but I had to share my sentiments.

BTW, in answer to your question, Why stay?, I don't think that's something you have the capability of understanding having never known the true depth of commitment that comes from actually being "one flesh" with another.

Well said P51! On both posts!!

I've asked Katie Scarlett why she is here, mostly because of how 'flip' her tone sounded on this board...a board where I feel pain is doubly inflicted on BS...Here is her response:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=013669Though with her continued tone...I am still confused...[ November 16, 2001: Message edited by: TryingAgain ]

To P51 and other BS,
In all honesty it was never my intension to hurt you guys. I was simply trying to learn from you.I sincerely apologize.Haveing never been married maybe I will never understand what you have been though.

I honestly don't know what "tone" you would have. I am that first to admit that I don't "get" it. That's why I began reading here.How can I show contrition that I don't feel? Like I said, i'm not here to hurt anybody. I'm just here to learn.

<blockquote>quote:<hr>You know what's funny. This much time later I don't know that i'd ever trust a man enough be marry.
It's been TOOOO easy to be deceptive. Plus i'm schooled lots of my girlfriends in the fine art of TOW-hood.Hmmmm, I guess only time will tell. <hr></blockquote>

I see.Sorry [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

I'm sure this is of little comfort, but it was never about the W. Honestly I rarely thought about his W. W-hood never meant anything to me. I don't remember where it was that I said it, but truely I was out for me.These are the attitudes that i'm looking at. I can't just snap my fingers and be a differnt person than the one i've been for the past 30 years.Like I said, i'm still learning.

Hi Katie,I have been reading your exchanges with the folks here. I don't usually post in this part of MB, because I am not in the situation of having to deal with an OC. However, I have been reading at this site for almost 3 years. I have seen a lot of comings and goings and have seen some amazing stories.Frankly, I don't think you can understand the answers being given to you, because you don't view marriage as the people here do. You have had a 10 year affair but it wasn't because of a deep emotional attachment as you said, it was because it suited your needs.I can understand part of what you are saying. When I was your age, I wasn't close to getting married and I led a very active batchelor life [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] . I had been raised with a deep sense of what the commitment of marriage meant, but it was a "theoretical" exercise. I mean my parents were married ultimately over 40 years before my father's death. But, it still didn't make too much sense.I have now been married 26 years. I have a completely different view of things. Interestingly, since I came upon this site almost 3 years ago, my view about marriage has changed even more. It has if anything deepened.Frankly, you will find that anyone, although particularly women, that comes here and says they are being physically abused is advised to leave and unless counseling is successful leave the marriage. You will find that Harley himself advises that marriage should end, if there are no children and one of the spouses isn't willing to work on a better relationship. He states he would divorce his W if she had an affair (recall that both of his children are grown and counselors themselves).I think you may be mistaking something here. The people struggling with these issues, can leave the marriage. Biblically, they are permitted to leave, however, marriage particularly one that has existed for years is a subtle thing. I realize that you are not into formal religion, but the Bible incites people to marry and become ONE. This does happen to some degree or another.What you will never understand because you have never become ONE with someone,is the depth of attachment that occurs. When this does occur, you want to keep it if you can, even if the WS is a "jerk". But you can be assured that if the WS won't work on the marriage the divorce will occur. It does in a hugh percentage of marriage.You might ask: If Harley isn't so deadset on saving a marriage why would he have put together the Plan A and the Plan B? My opinion from reading here is that the people that go through this process and ultimately end up divorced seem to recover from the divorce much better. They KNOW they did all they could to maintain the marriage vows and to give the WS a chance to change their mind. In short, they did their best.So Harley's approach in my mind is about saving marriages (many of which can be it turns out) and about having healthier survivors of divorce.I hope you aren't offended, but you really cannot understand some of this until you are there. Given your personal approach to life, I cannot see you ever understanding. Perhaps you will be fortunate or unfortunate (depending on how you view what marriage requires of you) to find someone that strikes you deep in your soul. This person will somehow take the focus off of yourself and put it on them and then you will have an idea.Probably the only thing that I could suggest that would give you the idea is if, God Forbid, your child became fatally ill. You would no doubt do anything you could to try and save him, all the while knowing the odds were not good. It is my sincerest hope that you never know the feeling of your child being in such a situation or your marriage (if it occurs) ever being in such a situation.Hope this has helped.God Bless,JL[ November 16, 2001: Message edited by: Just Learning ]

KS,Is your child father exMM? Just wondering why you would post on this board. Instead of Recovery or EN boards.Unsure

Ya know Katie, there are a lot of caring people who have really took the time to respond to your post. I would just hope that you would hear what these people are trying to share with you. There is more to life than being self-absorbed. I know that because i was there too once. You simply need to start with yourself. Do you like who you are? Are you humble in nature or do you step on people to get where you're going? You wrote something to the affect that you just can't change everything overnight, well, I think you probably can't change overnight but you can start tonight. Many wonderful attributes that make up a woman are detailed in Proverbs 31. Start there. God will do the rest if you ask him and let him. You sound like someone who admits when they've made a mistake and that says a lot about you.God Bless,
JuliaPS... in answering your ? about whether i would leave h if he physically abused me... Yes, i would leave, but i would pray for him. I can only say that i would hope God would give me the strength to be patient. In fact He is the one who gives us the strength to leave and He is also the one who gives us the heart to pray.

Thank you JL!!!!

Unsure:No! My xMM is not my child's father.

Julia,I thank you for your caring words. For many years I studied the bible and went to church (3x a week in fact).It's not the place for me.

Maybe the problem isn't that church isn't the place for you, but maybe the church was the wrong one. Church in itself is not God, it isn't the place to go to GET something or get the "good feelings", but in my opinion, church is in your heart, where God is. He is in the words we say, our thoughts, our desires. But He is only in those things that are good. I use to see church as boring until God changed my heart and without me even realizing, I got excited to go worshiip God with other people who love Him. Sometimes i wish i could explain it perfectly what this great God has done in my life and I wish everyone could experience having a relationship that is just AWESOME, but like I told my H, "you will know when you have a relationship with God, it is unmistakable, and your life will never be the same". Church and God may not be the place for you right now, but if God has chosen you for his own, you're heart's desires will change and you will personally witness the love of God. I pray this for you. Julia