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In an older post, one of you said "MY H wanted nothing to do with OC, but he is wonderful father and a wonderful man" How can this be? How can a man be a wonderful father to only the children it is CONVENIENT to be a father to?

EmilyLang,
I think you are probably referring to me . In our case my h had sex with a female a few times just sex not even a relationship. He had no intentions of this girl having a child with him let alone anything else.
She was on the pill decided to take it upon herself to stop taking her birth control because she thought in her sick little twisted mind that if she had a child that was his she would get what I have.
He had made it clear to her what they had did would never happen again and that he was telling me. I think he most likely started seeing her for the mess that she is. That fatal screw gave her what she wanted a child to use as a pawn and to be attached to his life for yr... When that didn't work. She used the only means she can to still try to stay attached and that's child support. He pays the child support because he has to by law or
he wouldn't even be doing that.
How can he feel this way? He tried to pay for her to abort she wouldn't. He made it clear from the day she said she was preg. If you keep this child then find someone else to be your kids dad cause I will never be. In other words give it up for adoption or find someone else. She choose to keep her baby.

By not involving ow in our lives any further where she never should have been in the first place is the best thing he could do for his child we have together and to fix what went wrong with us.
Hopefully she will find a man that is free to be a husband and a father to her child and see this for what it was a huge mistake that should have never happened.
I will never understand what makes a person think that a way to get a h is to try to steel someone else's and use a baby in the process for more affect. Its so very, very warped.

WHO CARES if he didn't intend to get her pregnant - HE DID. How many times within a marriage does the woman become pregnant when it wasn't planned - the man STILL has to be responsible. I am tired of the "she got P on purpose attitude" I mean COME ON! My H exOW was also supposed to be on the pill. Who cares - we all know no method is 100%. These cheaters took the risk by choice...pay the consequences and step up to the plate like MEN.

Also this whole notion of her "stealing your H" is insane. He wanted to be stolen at the time or he wouldn't be there. I'm darn glad the courts make him pay child support! HE SHOULD! It's nice your H thinks abortion is a suitable way to make his mistakes go away. Yes, she chose this, but guess what - the minute he had sex, knowing FULL well there is always the chance of pregnancy, he chose it too. That child will be on your doorstep one day for sure. And as for her wanting what you have? What do you have? A man who made a big mess of a lot of lives and then takes it out on an innocent child - what a catch!!! Thank God my H knows how to take responsibility for his mistakes that he too, CHOSE to make!

Are there any members here whose husbands are fathering their other children who may be able to give me some feedback as to what the best way is to handle it?
It's hard. I know in my heart it's the right thing to do, but it's a real test of our love. Forgiving the affair is one thing, bringing a child into the mix is another. I am honestly seeking support from those who see things the way I do, I don't wish to get into self-defeating dialog with those who blame the OW and see their H as victims. Can anyone help me?

Hmmm.. EmilyLang has the same writting style as someone else we know.

Bonniebb,
I dont care. I was just answering your question. If I would have known it was you I wouldnt have wasted the space.

EL,All I have to say is that not every story here is of the H having no contact. There are plenty of women here who's H have contact. The reason they may not be posting to you is that you have started this thread as attacking right off the bat! If you had questions about how these W's are handling the H being involved with the OC, that is what you should have addressed, not how the other's who do not have visitation are less than a man in your eyes! Or, to quote you directly: "How can a man be a wonderful father to only the children it is CONVENIENT to be a father to?"Now, I could be considered the OW, but have been accepted here because I gave birth to the OC, but my H is her Daddy! Not the xOM, the only contribution he made was her DNA, but never even knew that I was pregnant. My H and I are repairing the damage that we have both made to our marriage, and there is no room for the xOM in our "remodled" marriage! But, we have also given a child up for adoption, as other women on this board have done. Does that make us awful mothers to the children we have now? I DON'T THINK SO!! Yes, you can say that it is a completely different situation, but is it really? Yes, it takes 2 to "Tango", but 3 in a marriage is a disaster. There are many who have made it work, but they have MAJOR problems, all stemming from xOW demanding that the W is not involved. Well, if the xOW knew at the time of the birth of the child, that her "lover" was married, then tough cookies, the W should be involved, period! And, that is also why many here tried visitation, then stopped. Before you judge, make sure you find out the whole story! Just my 2 cents.Tigger

There are going to be problems no matter what. But the main point, in my opinion, is to consider the innocent child who had no choices in the mess.

EL
Not that you haven't made some very good points, but here are somethings to consider <blockquote>quote:<hr>"How can a man be a wonderful father to only the children it is CONVENIENT to be a father to?"
<hr></blockquote>
Well, is it just a matter of convenience? In some cases it might easier to be the father to the children of the W because there are no hidden agenda's there. It is what it is..Children born from love and a marriage. How anyone could compair the two and say they are the same? <blockquote>quote:<hr>WHO CARES if he didn't intend to get her pregnant - HE DID. How many times within a marriage does the woman become pregnant when it wasn't planned - the man STILL has to be responsible. <hr></blockquote>WHAT! Really I think that statement says it all. "within a marriage" key words here! Last time I checked you don't have to have a certificate to have a one night stand..no commentment agreement there, well, maybe in the OW mind..could be wrong. Did anyone here get married and in some way shape or form and "not" plan to have children?? Isn't that a given? Usually? <blockquote>quote:<hr>I am tired of the "she got P on purpose attitude" I mean COME ON! <hr></blockquote>I am tired of the excuses by the OW for getting pregnant! Come on, how old are these OW?? 25, 30, 35?? If a women don't know her body by that age and how a baby happens she has more problems than an OC! Mistake my foot! <blockquote>quote:<hr>It's nice your H thinks abortion is a suitable way to make his mistakes go away. Yes, she chose this, but guess what - the minute he had sex, knowing FULL well there is always the chance of pregnancy, he chose it too. <hr></blockquote>So, would you consider someone whom contacted AIDS from having sex, deserving in what they got?? Hey, what is the differance, that person knew there was a chance.. Or would you say that as adults there are certain unspoken rules that should be in place? I can't get pregnant I am on the pill....shot, ect..whatever I don't have aids I just got tested. Either way you look at it, they are both lies. So are we, or H to be held accountable for lies that OW told for the rest of thier life. Unfair, at the most!

I totally agree the wife should be involved. I am not defending the OW. They are as bad as the H. But to compare adoption to turning your back on your own? I think the best option would be to give the child to a loving, two parent home. But since biology dictates that the woman gives birth and the law says no one can force her to give the child up, and since the men involved KNOW this, it's his responsibility, in my opinion to be there. It takes two to tango and therefore two should take the blame. Any OW who makes the situation harder by renenting that the wife be involved is totally wrong I think. She too, knew he was married and what the outcome would be. "our" Ow tried that in the beginning until she saw that we were united on this and her little games weren't going to work.

HiddenShame,
In my opinion - when a man willingly engages in sex, he knows there is a risk. A man, a real man, in my opinion, owns up to his mistake,in every way, shape and form. I just get so weary when it seems we make excuses for the men. They knew what they were doing. A child is a child, whether it was conceived in a marriage or not. Are you saying that because the H created the child with someone other then his W, he should not have any obligation to the child? Even the courts don't see it that way.

No I am not saying that. The H does have obligation for the OC. What I am sayin, is his 1st obligation and most important,is to his W and children. OW took that risk when she chose to have OC. OW set the stage..she was "happy" being OW, then why should she expect anything more than...her c being the OC. Maybe it is not right, but.. <blockquote>quote:<hr> A man, a real man, in my opinion, owns up to his mistake,in every way, shape and form. <hr></blockquote>Ok, then, A women, a real women, in my opinion, don't sleep with a married man.

I wonder where the OW that purposely get pregnant come from? Especially the ONS ones? I mean, I've always been told that once you go off the pill (if you've been taking it correctly for a while) that it could take a couple of months to get pregnant. Why does it seem so easy for OW to get pregnant? I would love to get pregnant but it just has not happened yet. I think God has planned who will have children by whom and when, and those children are here for a purpose. An OW cannot MAKE herself pregnant, neither can an MM MAKE the OW pregnant. Of course they are the ones doing the act that can lead to pregnancy, but the children come from GOD. Maybe God created that child as a mean to make a marriage stronger (how many of you have had your husbands or wives totally recommit to the marriage after the knowledge of an A/OC came to light?) Maybe that child was created and NOT aborted because God has a plan for that child to do great things and make a difference in many lives. I've never thought that anything God has created was a mistake. Children are children and they need to be taken care of.

I have two friends who got pregnany right away after going off the pill.I don't wish to bicker. Why come back with "real women don't sleep with MM" Well who doesn't agree with that?I don't think this board is for me. Seems it's all about blame and who comes first and nah nah nah. I am looking for constructive ways to cope with my husband's infidelity - not to blame anyone, least of all a child. Goodbye!!!!

But one more thing - I agree....all children are created and loved by God and they all deserve to be taken care of and loved by their parents.

Flowerseed and Unsure,I have to agree with your observation here.

second that!EL, in my humble opinion, I doubt you are a BS.Maybe you are BB or maybe you are Rapture's sister.[ January 29, 2002: Message edited by: mnca6713julia3 ]

SBG,A guy I used to work with is in his early 40's his wife is 37 she got off the pill on month they tried the next month and she got pregnant. exOW in my case told me (not my H she told me!)she purposely got pregnant. She got off B.C. and got pregnant within a month or two. H claims he used a condom and it broke but she said they started having unprotected sex so she stop using her pill. If the condom really broke I'll never know I can only move forward with my life. I blame my H for the affair and for OC he should have protected us. I made a dedication to my H not exOW. I do blame exOW for the Jerry Springer/Fatal Attraction antic and stunts she has pulled when she realized my H would never come back to her. She told my H she was pregnant when she was 5 1/2 months. He had ended their relationship before she even knew she was pregnant. When she realized that not even a baby would make him a part of her life again she told me. I'm one of the few BS's who supports contact with OC. It's not easy I have a D that's almost 9 months older than OC. exOW also gave OC almost the exact same name as my D. (she knew my D name I told her like an idiot) Ex. Marie and Maria. My D and OC will start kindergarten the same year and will graduate HS the same year. This is not easy for a BS to handle OC is a living reminder of H affair. How do you think OC will feel knowing he or she is illigitmate? I truly feel OC will hate that my children live with their mother and father and exOW is a single mother to four. We hired a lawyer and exOW still wants visitation on her terms H agreed to three month of supervised visitation and exOW can't be there. In three months time we go to court again we know exOW will still fight for supervised visitation because she doesn't want OC around me. Do you and EmilyLang suggest we go bankrupt so H can fight to be a part of OC life? If a woman knowingly and willingly get pregnant by a married man then she should already know OC will be apart of his wife life. It's funny how exOW's are willing to share our H's p----, pay check (for CS) and in most case hide the affair until it's over. They also want a father for OC and even though BS's have been in the picture the entire time now they decide I don't want your wife around my child. Too bad! I have to deal with H giving a portion of what was our retirement savings to OC. If exOW's can't deal with BS's then they don't have a father for their child, Their lost not ours (BS's) like a lot of people stated my H is an excellent father. I can truly say to you when I touched OC for the first time and she looked up at me smiling holding my finger my heart melted, I would accept her with open arms. If my H choose no contact today I would also accept that, it's hard knowing you have to deal with exOW until OC turns 18. There are two sides to every story and it's sad that OC will suffer but you have to remember the children who have been betrayed suffer too! I didn't mean for this post to sound harsh or even critize you but God looks out for our children too and in some cases it causes to much harm to include OC. I truly think OC would be harmed more knowing she was visiting a father and his entire family didn't want anything to do with him or her. Just my two cents.
Unsure

My x-H's OW also got pregnant intentionally. She already had 3 children (3 diff fathers) and each was 4 years apart from one another. OW is a Welfare recipient, a CAREER Welfare recipient. OW initially was trying to get my x-H's best friend in the sack to father her 4th child, at the time her youngest was 4 ready to turn 5. In WA State once a child turns 5 (pre-school age), the Welfare recipient is required to go to work. But H's best friend was warned so no sperm donation there. But then she got her claws in my x-H, and he wasn't warned, hence .. PAY DIRT, she's prego and her Welfare kept coming.What a way to live your life.[ January 29, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]

I certainly didn't mean to imply that an OW is not to be held responsible for her actions.I didn't mean that at all. And I think that if an OW has the audacity to get pregnant on purpose, then she too should accept the consequences of her actions. I think that it's just plain foolish to puposely get pregnant with the intent of "trapping" a man. That hardly ever works, wehter the man is single or married--we're in a day and age where men have realized you don't have to marry a woman just because she is pregnant. So. I think if an OW gets pregnant by a married man she should realize that there is a VERY GOOD CHANCE the MM will not leave his wife to be with her. I only know of one instance in real life where an MM left to be with an OW and his OC....but now he is back with his exwife. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] I know that nothing is ever just cut and dried so no one solution will work for everyone.

this whole thread is seems a waste of time. every one here is in agreement that both parties are resposible. not defending anyone or attacking anyone but lets understand the basic difference between men and women that lead to these crumby life circumstances. women have sex hoping to get the emotions they crave from the man, while men show a woman the emotions she is craving in order to have sex with her. therefore they are both lieing to each other. a man (husband or not) who gets a woman pregnant is equally as responsible as a woman who becomes pregnant. married or not. because a man chooses not to have contact with oc does not mean he is irresponsible. if he is paying his cs he is being responsible financialy, contact or not. in some cases he may be being more responsible by having no contact and allowing oc to know just one set of parents and not throwing the pain of having to choose which parent oc wants to spend the weekend with because parent a is going to disneyland that particular weekend and parent b is only going to the park for a family picnic and parent b has visitation. 
also there are cases where abuse is likely and a parent is better off not having other parent around. biological or not. 
in my case i am praying that om will just pay his cs and stay away as not to disrupt the reconciliation fullhouse and i are struggling with. i feel this will be both benificial to fh and grace and to fh and myself. that to me would prove that he is a man and not just a snake sneaking around trying to bang another mans wife and cause havoc in established families.if a husband and his bs decide to proceed with their visitation rights then i wish them all the luck in the world and although they will undoubtably hit some pitfalls if they can see it through the rewards will be fruitful. i am living the proof of that.

Emily,What I don't understand is WHY are you on this board debating with the BS over this issue? You said yourself...<"I just get so weary when it seems we make excuses for the men">. So why are you here looking for excuses and answers from women who had NO say in whether or not their H's had sex with someone else? They had NO say in what birth control was or wasn't used! They had NO say in whether or not the OW kept the baby! They had NO say in their H's affairs! Period!!! So if you want answers then why don't you ask the OW and MM...after all, it's their OC and they created the situation!!! NOT THE BS! Maybe you should try gloryb.com or philanderers.com and ask the MM why they do/don't want visitation with OC. You are under a false impression that the BS is running the show when it's typically not the case. And it's flattering that you think as BS that we have so much control over our H's/OW's/OC's...if that were the case then the affair would have never happened in the first place!!! I just personally think that you are looking in the wrong place for your answers! These women are here to cope and recover from the horrible situation that they have been put in. Leave them be and go ask the people who REALLY had the choices in the matter!Angelface

I posted this answer on my own topic , but I felt that my answer needed to be placed here. There is just so much critism of us bs and I need to let those who feel complied to put us down read this:--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Are there any members here whose husbands are fathering their other children who may be able to give me some feedback as to what the best way is to handle it?"To answer your question Emily, the oc is no longer welcome in my home. My h and I have spent close to 4,000.00 and two years fighting for visitation, and we enjoyed the company of the oc for less than a year. During that whole time the xow, who might I add was a mere one night stand, during a brief separation, fought us and tried every trick in the book to end the visitation. She refused to allow the oc to call my h dad, she accused us of not feeding the oc, and we have two healthy children, aged 7 and 3. She tried to blame allegies on not wanting the oc in our home. The oc never had allergic symtoms while over our house it was only after he got home he had hives or sniffles. These were all just tricks to get it over with.You claim you are glad the men have to pay support, well we pay hundreds a month, but the xow refuses to acknowledge my h as the father and only wants that check. We want the oc to know his father and silblings. After all else has failed and we continue to win in court and get all the visitation we request regardless of the fight the xow puts up, she has now resorted to the lowest low. The oc, after spending a wonderful weekend at our home, which included two birthday parties and a football game, returns home with a small bruise on his face. We can not figure out how it come but that the last few hours or his visit when the kids are out in the yard riding bikes, throwing a football around and doing handstands on the lawn. The xow calls children's services the next day, and to make a long story short, an accusation turns into an arrest, and now again thousands of dollars spent on what. Bail and a lawyer to clear this all up.Our xow wants a paycheck for having a child and does not want any involvement from my h or my children not to mention me. Please do not lecture on doing the right thing there is not one right thing when it comes to these xow, everyone does not all fit into a one right thing to do. Look at what doing the right thing has done to my family. HOW MUCH MORE SHOULD MY H PAY FOR ONE MISTAKE? Having a one night stand that I have forgiven him for but the xow seems to not want to let go of the fact that he wanted to stay with me and not play house with her for the rest of his life. My family does not deserve all the heartache and pain we have suffered over TRYING TO DO THE RIGHT THING FOR THIS OC.So now after all is said and do and all the money we spent on trying to get the visitation, our lawyer has advised us that even after this last chapter in my painful life is over, the oc is a danger to my family, who knows what we will be accused of next. Now I know that the oc is a pawn to the xow and that she planted all the seed in the oc head but enough is enough my family can not deal with the emotional and finiacial strain much longer.
So I ask you now who are any of us to say what the right or wrong thing is when dealing with whether or not to have contact. We are not here to judge others , only to help, support, give advise, comfort, guidence and most of all to rebuild or marriages and familes. If contact with the xow or oc is not going to help gain the end result of a happy and healthy marriage and family, there is your answer. If contact and parenting the oc will help a marriage and family than again there is your answer.We thought the contact with the oc would help or family and marriage, we clearly want the child in our lives and look at the thanks we got. Again I will close with one thought that I have always stood by in all my many months on these boards, there are no right or wrong answers, no two families, no two couples are the same. I thank all my dear friends that have been there for me over the last year and most importantly the last few months. This board is a true haven and place I cherish. Peace and love to all my wonderful friends. Court for us is this Friday I will let you all know. Gabi1116[ January 30, 2002: Message edited by: gabi1116 ]

Well, not that we can put a square peg into a round hole...which Emily, you are trying to do by grouping all situations into one. We are not "turning our backs" on our oc. We are turning our backs on the exow. WE LOVE OC. Exow will not allow us to be a part of the oc life. She is selfish, inconsiderate, and cares only about her agenda.My H has proven himself to be responsible, has paid cs since 2nd month, visits with oc no less than every 2 weeks, and provides a loving, comfortable home for oc when he visits. But guess what, exow wants h to sign more paperwork saying he will be "responsible". What the hell does that mean? He is, has, and will be. She doesnt agree. She can only say that when oc has the sniffles, he doesnt call every hour on the hour...I guess. She now says H cannot see oc.You figure out what the "right thing" is since you are so all knowing. But please, take your unfounded, uninformed opinions elsewhere.Walk a mile in my shoes baby...better yet. Just try them on for size. To everyone else, I am sorry, but sometimes I cannot just "let it go"! [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img][ January 30, 2002: Message edited by: tryin4sainthood ]