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Posted By: MaryJanes Link to what Harley says about telling OC - 11/10/03 03:21 PM
In another thread, K requested that I post a link to Harley's advice about telling OC of paternity.
The link is to his [URL=http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5063b_qa.html
]Q&A section[/URL].

An excerpt of the salient parts of his answer follow:

quote:
Another very difficult issue is whether or not to tell your daughter who her real father is. Again, I suggest that you reach an enthusiastic agreement before you make a decision. The Policy of Radical Honesty applies only to a husband and wife, and not necessarily to children.
While I tend to value honesty in all situations, if you and Robin can enthusiastically agree to deceive your child about her real father, it's up to you.

But if you want my advice, I would encourage you to be honest with Robin's daughter very early in life, so that there are no surprises later. I think it's more important for her to know she can trust what you say, than that she thinks you are her real father. Eventually, she is likely to know the truth anyway, and if she was consistently told that she was your daughter, the truth might undermine her trust of you. Regardless of who her genetic father may be, you will be the father that cares for her most for the rest of her life, and she will know that about you as you raise her into adulthood.

The only thing I would change in the above quote is the offensive term of "real" father. I have even written to the Harleys letting them know how unkind the term can be. As an OC, and an adoptive parent I much prefer the term "biological." My "real" father is the main who raised me, not the man who impregnated my mother. That guy is my biological father. I am my children's real parent, not their step-mom nor any other convoluted phrase. And they are my "real" kids, not my adopted ones, not my....well, nothing but my children.

I was joking with our little one this morning and said I wanted him to look at me with adoration at all moments and to give up computer games so h
e could just gaze at me. I said, "that's why we adopted kids so we could be adored at every moment of our lives." He said "no." I said "It isn't? Well maybe it was because we wanted someone to help unload and load the dishwasher and do lots of other chores." He laughed and said "No, it is because you didn't have any kids, you love kids, you fell in love with us and you wanted to be our mom and dad." He wasn't adopted until he was 7 (and his brother was 10) and already he knows that the "real" bonds, the only ones that count are the bonds of love. My H is *NOT* biologically related to me (thank God) but he is my "real" husband, united to me by the bonds of love.

MJ

[ November 10, 2003, 09:35 AM: Message edited by: MaryJanes ]
Posted By: catnip Re: Link to what Harley says about telling OC - 11/10/03 05:15 PM
quote:
Originally posted by MaryJanes:
I said, "that's why we adopted kids so we could be adored at every moment of our lives." He said "no." I said "It isn't? Well maybe it was because we wanted someone to help unload and load the dishwasher and do lots of other chores." He laughed and said "No, it is because you didn't have any kids, you love kids, you fell in love with us and you wanted to be our mom and dad." He wasn't adopted until he was 7 (and his brother was 10) and already he knows that the "real" bonds, the only ones that count are the bonds of love.
MJ

(SNIFF) So, today I started my day crying my ass off. Thanks MJ....(Sniff)
Posted By: K Re: Link to what Harley says about telling OC - 11/11/03 06:59 AM
MJ,

Thanks. I remember the first paragraph very well, but had forgotten his personal advice in the second part.

And you made my day with your son's comments! [Smile]
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