OC bday is coming up and I know it is going to bother me. We have no contact at all right now - just send $. I found out about A/OC last year around this time because my H felt guilty and send OC flowers for first bday, so this is stressful and hurtful for me. My H doesn't plan on doing anything, b/c we have no contact and have made no decisions yet on what we will do - we are still trying to work through the devastation of the whole thing. Problem is, it is a hard day for him too b/c he feel guilty that there is a child out there that he doesn't have contact with. I am not keeping him from doing anything, his guilt stems from the mess he has made of his life and now not only do we have to pay for it, but this child too. While I understand, I am so wrapped up in my own pain and anger that it is hard for me to feel any compassion for him right now. How do I get through the day? He will also be traveling on that day, and I am afraid OW will try to call him out of anger that he is not involved, etc. She has not tried to call him in 3 months and it has been good for both of us. He is happy that she is finally starting to leave him alone (except for the $) and let us work on our marriage. Any advice on how to handle my feelings? Are you able to be be compassionate to your spouse and listen to how they feel about not having contact, guilt, etc, on milestone days like birthdays?

My H has just ignored these days. I honestly don't think my H even knows the date of OC birth. As for christmas and stuff, H ignore that also. He pays his CS and thats all he thinks he should do.


Just a little note though, H is starting to want a relationship with OC. OC will be 5 next month.

Those are days just like any other. We never have sent a card or a gift for b-days and holidays. OC has his own nuclear family who loves him and takes care of his emotional needs. We are not involved.

You need to discuss this with your husband. Tell him how you feel. Talk it out. That is the best way to handle this.

FTB,

No contact with OC doesn't necessarily mean no conversations with our spouses about OC.

You might try using a technique that we use with our adopted children. One of our social workers called it pebbling. You toss little pebbles of conversation out there. If the child (or spouse) needs to talk, they will pick up the pebble, return it and the conversation is off and running.

Me (to our boys): Gee, I sure do think about your birth mother at this time of year (Christmas--she died a couple of weeks before Christmas.) It makes me a little sad to think about her. What about you?

If I get little or no response, I assume that there is not a need to talk at this time. If our son has something to say, I believe that he will, because I have shown him that the door is open. I don't wait for them to come to me with their issues.

You could do the same for you husband. I know that they have done us horrible hurt, but compassion on our part for how they feel about this mess, how they experience the separation from a child, would probably be welcome. It might also be very healing for the spouse to know that you care about what they think and feel also, that this isn't only about us, the BS. It doesn't change the decision about contact or no contact, it just shows that you are willing to listen to their feelings.

MJ

Fortheboys,

First of all, let me say that I'm sorry you're feeling rough. Next, I think it's important for you to remember that your feelings are totally valid, no matter what they are. You owe it to yourself to let yourself process the day in any way you need to, and I don't think you owe it to your H to be compassionate about his feelings. Maybe simply being a sounding board is appropriate, ie just letting him talk about things without response from you, but only if he can do the same with YOUR feelings.

As to the issue of dealing with the child's birthday...
I am of the opinion that simply sending a birthday or Christmas card to the child is healthy for that child. I think it will lessen any feelings of abandonment the child may feel in the future. I wish that 5 years from now I would have a shoebox full of cards to pull out and give to my son, just so that he knows that twice a year he wasn't totally forgotten. (I do wish that my child's Grandparents would do that, at the least) Now, I have evil feelings about his father, so the fact that he isn't around doen't bother ME, per se, but I worry that my child will internalize the rejection, and that it will bother HIM. Especially because he will grow up seeing what a close relationship his older brother has with his father (My ex, not the baby's dad).
However, I can understand your discomfort if the OW is still trying to keep contact with your H though...that would be hard to digest.

Good Luck!

4tboys,

Ditto what MaryJanes said--talk with your H, or at least give a shot at supporting him in what he might be feeling (some men are very good at compartmentalizing and ignoring the subject). Sometimes my DH is sad or angry and I can sympathize; most-times he just wants to ignore it, since nothing can be done to make it better.

Whether a card should be a type of contact is being debated on Panda's thread: Question for all (OW, BS, WS).

J