Question about No Contact - Marriage Builders® Forums

My husband has decided to have no contact w/ oc. I support this decision because I feel that it is the best thing for our marriage and our family, but also because the child lives out-of-state and we wouldn't be able to see her very often. For those of you who have no contact, how easy was this decision for the man? My husband is a wonderful father to our child, yet he wants nothing to do w/ this child, which is hard for me to understand. I know that he may change his mind next week, next year, or 10 years from now. But right now, he has no feelings at all for this child. He says that "it's not the same" as our child together. I'm just wondering if this is common or if most of the men out there struggled w/ the nc decision. Thanks for your help. I feel like I'm living in a soap opera right now!

My H has expressed the same things as yours. We live out of state, and it was hard for me to grasp (and still is) how he had no feelings towards his child with her but is a wonderful father to our children.
I think he struggled more with the particulars of the situation than with the choice of NC.
NGU

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Panda22:
 My husband is a wonderful father to our child, yet he wants nothing to do w/ this child, which is hard for me to understand. I know that he may change his mind next week, next year, or 10 years from now. But right now, he has no feelings at all for this child. He says that "it's not the same" as our child together. I'm just wondering if this is common or if most of the men out there struggled w/ the nc decision. <hr /></blockquote>We do have C w/ OC (regrettably) but my H has also expressed these exact same feelings. I think it is this way for some men because they might not get the chance (like when your married to pregnant spouse) to have 9 months of bonding with the child and they don't have the privilidge of having your own child growing inside your own body, like we do.

And many men only are allowed "visits" with children, unlike the children of marriage who get to "live" with you. There is always some form of "detachment".

We are waiting for DNA test results as the OW filed for CS after 1 1/2 years of telling my h she didn't want anything from him. She even left that in a message on my answering machine the day after she received the NC letter from my h. Then she filed for support. Although my h has seen the OC sporadically over the past 1 1/2 years he claims to have no feelings for him. He will take financial responsibility but he is adamant about not wanting contact. He says it is too painful of a reminder of how horribly he hurt me. I have more sympathy for the OC than he does right now. But I also don't see contact as the best for us. I just fear is saying he wants NC because of me and not because of him. And we live in the same town for now (she lives 10 mins from where I work and about 30 mins from my home). It's such a tangled web of emotions and decisions for any of us.

Thanks for the replies! As difficult as this whole situation is, it is comforting to know that we (my h and I) are not the only ones dealing w/ this. I feel badly for the oc (not yet born) in my situation, too. It's not her fault that her parents are nuts! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I am glad that ow has a large family that the child will be a part of. I noticed on another thread that someone had mentioned that because her husband had never seen the ow since the pregnancy, he didn't consider it real. It's just so strange to see how involved my h is w/ our child, yet he wants nothing to do w/ the oc. I guess a lot of men feel this way. There are just no easy answers. Thanks again for the replies and good luck to all of you!

My H had the same feelings as your H. We also live far away from the OC. It has been 10 years, she was born in '94, and we have never seen her or had contact.
Her mother was disappointed, but she accepted it. I talked to her one time, the OW, and asked what she wanted from my H as regard to her child. She said she wanted him to be the same father to her dau he was to our children. I queried her about how he could do that long distance. She didn't have an answer.
So, we started with them in NC and us in KY. Now we are in TX and they are in NC. He pays CS, and that is all. He is happy with that.
I asked him over the holidays if he wondered about her, his daughter, he said yes, but there was nothing he could do.
No contact worked for us. don't listen to other people, do what is best for you and your family.

Good luck,
Texasgirl

Panda, I think your H's reaction is common.

It's been 5 years DH does not regret lack of contact (as described before, we did mail things but had to go NC). He was VERY uncomfortable with the pictures etc. that XOW sent of OC. He has said things like your husband (it's not the same as our kids that live with us, he can't raise OC, etc.). I'm sure he still has terrible guilt, but the guilt is in creating the mess to begin with(!), and he compartmentalizes and forget it most of the time. He says if OC wants to confront him with anger as a teen/adult, he'll deal with it then.

The XOW has proven how nutty she is, and there is nothing we can think of to make a bad situation better except let it lie. Let each party make the best of what they have vs. fight about it for 18y. Seems like a no-brainer.