and I honestly don't feel like I can cope. I am so unbelievably sad I can't stand it. How will I ever survive what all is ahead of me. How can I ever feel anything but resentment toward my H for all the pain he has caused me. I could deal with the A but to know there is a living being out there as a result of it - I can't handle it. Will he love him the same as he loves our S's? Will they resent OC. There are just so many questions. Nothing is the same and never will be again.

It's just all too much. I just can't deal with this. Please help...I don't know what to do.

hunt, honey, hang in there.

I know the pain is OVERwhelming!! You must live just ONE DAY at a TIME!

Be very kind to yourself, as you are devastated by Grief. Think how you would treat a good friend or relative who is going through a death or shock like this. Make sure you get some nutrition food, plenty of water, little comforts, exercise, sleep whenever you can, GET A COUNSELOR!!!, a bubble bath, write in a journal, talk only to those you MOST trust to be in your best interest, not to anyone who will bash you, DH(excessively) or your marriage, and cling to your faith if you have one, and you and H read up on recovery!!!

You will go through many stages, a whole rollarcoaster of emotions--be patient with yourself. The incredible sadness, the absolute rage, etc., are passing things, even when you feel ENGULFED! This too will PASS!! Hang on!~ There will come a day whe you too can say "That was 2, 3, 4, 5... years ago and things are better now, different now. I'm not the same, but I know Joy in my life again." The answers will come one day at a time too. This Horrible Time is NOT forever!!

This board is slow on weekends and some old-bies got run-off by harrassers, but this is mostly a good place. I hope you keep posting, keep getting replies, but most of all, do not give up on life. There is HOPE!

Sincerely,
J, 5y in recovery and glad I stayed <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

huntington,

just wanted to second what jenny said. right now is a VERY emotional time. try not to make any major decisions right now since it is very hard to do that when you are in a severely stressful situation. read everything you can on this site.

you are right. nothing will ever be the same, but it might be BETTER! i know that our marriage is better and we are almost 7 years into recovery.

keep coming here, post when you need to. it does get slow here on weekends. read old posts too. that can be very helpful.

hang in there. and also, make sure you H asks for a DNA test. there have been several cases here where the child was not even the H's child.

Jenny & HappyGirl - Thank you so much for your words of hope. I really needed them. I hit an all-time low last evening, H & I dropped off sons at friends for sleepovers. I then collapsed emotionally. Having been strong all day through basketball games, end of season party, seeing friends with my "happy face", plus no sleep the night before, it just all came to a head.

Scared H and he called suicide prevention line and had me talk to someone which helped somewhat. He then made me a bubble bath, candles, etc. He understands and is being as supportive as he can. I finally did feel a little better and slept a little better last night. I feel a tiny bit stronger this morning but its so hard telling when the tidal wave will hit again. Our counseling is Monday & Tuesday (he goes Monday, I go Tuesday). I am very much depending on this counselor to help. Hopefully she will be a good match for me.

It was so uplifting to hear both of your stories and support and to know things will get better in time. Ironic that when I experienced death of close family members, I turned to an on-line support group to help me through it and here I am today seeking support for another crisis in my life...somehow this seems so very much worse. I am a very private person so I cannot turn to friends or family right now. I wouldn't risk it. We live in a small town and there is no way I want anyone knowing what is going on. They just wouldn't understand.

Thank you again so very much.

huntington,
very positive to hear that your H is remorseful and supporting you!! VERY hopeful, very good!! Also wonderful you're getting counseling!! Ditto hope it's a good match with MB-friendly principles.

I do understand about the small town thing, but is there even just ONE girlfriend who would allow you to vent with her, not bash your marriage, and could be relied on to keep her mouth SHUT? Someone who's told you something personal, too? I did tell ONE such local girlfriend in the early months, and an older woman friend I have in another state, and they were a great help to me; I chose VERY carefully, though, and I see the wisdom of not going there.

I'm outgoing and couldn't live with the pressure of not telling anyone but the counselor, but I didn't tell relatives or anyone but the 2 above for a year. I did not want anyone's opinion to sway me while I tested out and read about our recovery. I told DH it was a "probation period" where we would give it our all and see what happened. We followed most of the suggestions in the book "After the Affair" by Janis Abram Spring.

Ditto what Happygirl said about DNA testing (!) and NOT making any life-altering decisions right now (divorce, moving, contact vs. no-contact, etc.--forget that!)!

Remember--be kind to yourself!