Update - My Happily Ever After - Marriage Builders® Forums

Hi all,

It has been a long time, and perhaps nobody really remembers me anymore. I have not been able to post often because of the demands of law school (and work and kids and house, etc.).

But I wanted to share that I am getting married on July 28th. For those of you who don't know, I divorced my exhusband (who had an oc during our marriage) when he became physically and emotionally abusive, and started attending law school. Prior to leaving for school, the attorney (I'll call him "J") who represented us in the custody battle over oc hired me to do part-time research for him - at the insistence of my ex, who wanted me to go to work to pay for his attorney's fees for the oc custody case. We kept in contact with each other after I left for school, and eventually became involved. For those of you who enjoy irony, you may note that I am actually marrying the lawyer my ex-h hired to represent him in custody after having an affair that produced a child. Of course, he stopped representing my ex in that melodrama long before we started dating. How is that for poetic justice??

On February 12, J and I went to see a Steve Forbert concert (He's a folk singer - very good). As Steve Forbert was getting ready to sing his final number, he stopped the show and said, "There's a guy here who wants to add something to tonight's show. J, where are you?" J said, "Over here, Steve." and right there, he got down on one knee, in the middle of the audience, and proposed. I said yes, and now the date is set for July 28th.

We are getting married by the president judge of the county J practices in. THe judge has been very supportive of me, and has become a close friend, encouraging me throughout the law school ordeal. We are getting married right in the courtroom, which is symbollic of where my "new life" actually started. Had I not been so frustrated about the legal process in the oc nightmare, I would have never decided to go to law school, etc.

J and I have found a beautiful house that we are closing on tomorrow. I still have to finish up law school, but I should graduate in December and be able to sit for the bar exam in February.

Anyway, that is my happy ending. I hope everyone is well, and I really will try to post more often.

With love,
cd

Oh I think lots of people remember you, and more than that, respect you, I know I do! You've been on "hiatus" from the board much of the time I've been here, so you probably don't know me, but I hope you accept my congratulations all the same. I'm happy and excited for you. I wish you, J and the boys all good things!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm one that loves irony and poetic justice, so that makes your story all the better! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thanks for the update--it's always great to hear good news!!

Warmest regards,

~ad

[ June 03, 2004, 12:51 PM: Message edited by: autumnday ]

Congrats to you cd!!!!

I certainly remember you! You have been very instrumental in my situation, as I am sure you have helped so many others!

May God continue to bless you and your family, cd. And may He bless your upcoming marriage.

You deserve the best, honey!

Stacia

cd, What wonderful and romantic news!

I still have the questionnaire you wrote to discuss how oc would fit into our lives! I came across it recently while packing up to move in about 3 weeks. Heck, now where did I put it? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I hope you have the time of your life and the boys welcome J into their lives. How good it will be to have them see how a man should treat the woman he loves.

Blessings and post a little more, won't you?

love
Debi

Oh CD!!!! I am so happy for you after all you went through with OC/OW/XH!!!! Is your email addy still the same? The one on Yahoo? Let me know, as I'd love to get back in touch with you!!!!

Congrats!!!! You deserve to be happy!!!!

Love,

Tigger

I'm so happy for you!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

What a great new beginning!!

Wishing you much love, happiness and all the good things life has to offer!!

CD: That is absolutely the most awesome proposal and it sounds like your life is as wonderful as you would want it to be.

Many blessings to you! What satan means to harm us...God will turn to good if we allow Him!

Much happiness to you!

A

Thanks for all the congratulations. Autumn, I definitely "know" you - I don't usually have a lot of spare time to post, but I do look in almost every day. My email address is still the same - blackbird_fly1@yahoo.com

I am very excited about the upcoming nuptuals, but also a little nervous, considering the problems I had the first time around. I suffer greatly from insecurity and paranoia, and trust is something I will probably struggle with for a long while.

However, J is a wonderful man, and in addition, I am gaining 2 beautiful stepdaughters (6 1/2 and 2) whom I love dearly. The fact that ow had a daughter with ex-h when we had all boys was always a huge sore spot for me, and I sort of pined for a daughter. Fortunately, J's daughters have completely accepted me in their lives, and we have built wonderful relationships. Btw, anybody who says that having an oc is just the same as having a stepchild is out of their minds. Although I cared very much for oc, the relationship was always strained and hard to deal with b/c of the ow dynamics. Here, while I don't always see eye to eye with J's ex-wife, overall we get along fine and being with his girls comes easily and naturally. It is TOTALLY different.

J and I have talked about having my tubal reversed and trying for one of our own, but we'll wait and decide for sure when I am finished with school. Between us, we have a "brady bunch" of six children as it is - but it is something I might consider in time. Right now, our focus is enabling all of the children to adapt to the new family unit. Luckily, there has been absolutely no friction between the children themselves - they all play together and interact as if they were true siblings - without the normal sibling jealousy. My boys think it is neat to have sisters (although they are amazed at how "foreign" little girl behaviors are) and the girls look up to my boys like big brothers. It has been great.

I will be in evening classes during the summer, and thanks to wireless internet, should be able to post more frequently.

-cd

CD, how did your son fare at being in the same class as OC?

Congrats cd!! So good to hear people survive this mess and find happiness again.

I am fairly new here and do not know your story. I was just wondering, how did you know the time was right for D and to move on? I am still very much trying to save M, but sometimes you just wonder how long to try?

Any advice to us Newbies would be appreciated.

kayla,

My son is still in the same class as oc - it is one big benefit to moving that he will be in a new school district. Basically, he is in deep denial about the whole thing. He does not believe that oc is the same girl that used to come to our house for visitation. When I have attempted to discuss it with him, he became very upset and distraught, so I eventually decided it was better to allow him to believe that it was not the same girl at all. My ex no longer has any contact with oc at all, so she is starting to fade from the boys' memory anyway. It is a shame for all involved, but there is nothing at all I can do about it.

Kris,
I hung in for about 5 years after dday. For many, it seems like the marriage goes on to be better and stronger. For me, it was never the same. we did go through a short period of renewal where things were good, and I tried very very hard, but to be honest, I never got over the horror of it all. I never felt like things would be "normal". My h also gradually became very abusive towards me - it seemed like the more I tried to accept oc into our lives, and the more I tried to move forward, the more he resented me. I think actually I represented to him his worst failings as a man, because I was a constant reminder of the marriage he betrayed. In addition, I found the humiliation of being a bs absolutely unbearable. We actually had two more children post-affair, mostly in an attempt to reglue our broken bond, and to be honest, I feel that was a mistake. Don't get me wrong - I LOVE LOVE LOVE my boys, but looking back, I realize that the affair was a red flag that my marriage was just not meant to be. I know that is not "MB-correct" to say, but it is definitely how I feel. Being where I am, I have a hard time believing that there is anything I could have done "better" to save things. The ow/oc affair had been over for five years, and it still hurt constantly. Honestly, while it was very hard to make the choice to leave, it also was instant relief from the nightmare that the situation became for me. I still struggle with trust issues and self-esteem issues that continue to affect my interpersonal relationships, but my life is 100% better now. I will just have to continue to learn how to deal with life and with love. My biggest regret in all of it is that I wasted five years with h that I could have used to move on and rebuild. I feel like I cheated myself out of so much by staying with a man who cared so little for my well-being. However, on the other hand, I suppose that hindsight is 20/20, and that if I had not stuck it out and given it the good ol' college try, I may have always wondered "what if" I had. Also, had I not stayed and tried to work through contact, I would never have met my current fiance, or gone on to law school - so I'm really not complaining.

Also, to those still in marriages - I do commend you - this is just my personal opinion concerning my own personal situation.

Please feel welcome to ask any questions you want - but you'll have to forgive me in advance if I don't always give the politically correct answers. I DO REALLY believe in MB philosophies and plan to apply them to my future marriage - I just don't feel that staying married to my ex was in any way beneficial to me.

-Cd

CD,

Congratulations to you on your upcoming marriage & starting a new life w/ a man who truly loves you. It is so refreshing to see a "happily ever after story".

I am a newbie too, thank you for sharing your story, I am almost 2 yrs. into struggling to make my M work & I have a lot of the feelings you describe, I feel like have wasted the last 23 months of my life w/ my H only to end up going to plan b & ultimately D. Like you said though if & when I walk away from this M I will have no regrets & no "what ifs????".

Again Congratulations!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

CD...I remember you! I am so happy for the news. I will also look forward to reading more posts from you as I always gained great insight from you!
NGU

CD,

I am fairly new here too so I do not remember you. However, that does not mean that I am not thrilled for you. It sounds like everything is so perfect. I love the poetic justice too.

The d-day of the A is over two years old and we went back and forth. During one of our break-ups he went back to OW and OC was the result. OC was born at the end of May so we are now dealing with that. I feel so much of what you felt at that time. I am also thinking have I wasted 3 years of my life trying to work on something that just is not going to get fixed.

It's nice to see that life can be happy ever after.

Congrats and the very best of luck to you in your new life.

cd,

It's great to see you back, and congratulations on getting your degree!!

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Please feel welcome to ask any questions you want - but you'll have to forgive me in advance if I don't always give the politically correct answers.<hr /></blockquote>Being my usual blunt self---you appear to have done the prerequisite work and healing for yourself. What's the deal with your boyfriend??? He hasn't (apparently with a 2 yr old) been divorced for very long, and what were the issues surrounding his divorce? I always worry about rushing the process---but it sounds like you have a very healthy (and busy) clan situation!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

CD,

I remember you!! So glad to hear that you are getting married and that you will finish law school soon!! Best of luck for a happy marriage and combined new family.

Congrads

Dawn

Congrats CD! Thanks for your post it gave me a lot to think about. (Re: Contact)

Unsure

[ June 05, 2004, 06:59 PM: Message edited by: UNSure919400 ]

Congratulations! Even though I don't know your full story.. I love to hear stories like yours. It gives HOPE!

You are inspiring... You rise above it...

Just curious...? What does your EX Husband think of you remarrying with the lawyer he used.

POETIC Justice! You got to love it! *giggle*

Good Luck and God Bless.

wiz

CD - I don't know if you remember me. We spoke a few times on the phone when I first came here and needed a "voice" to talk to and get some advice from. I am so happy for you. I hope that this marriage will be the most wonderful experience of your life! You desereve it, and your children deserve a happy home too. It's nice to see that happy endings are still possible when you have been so jaded about life and relationships (not saying you are jaded, but me). Enjoy having someone who loves and cherishes you. Fortheboys

K,

My fiance separated from his ex-wife during her pregnancy. There was apparantly some question at the time about paternity, but the baby is the spitting image of J, so there is no doubt to it anymore. Because of the messy property issues in their divorce, it actually was not finalized until this past December (attorney divorces are absolutely the worst and drag on FOREVER) but we have been dating for longer than that. His ex is a good mother, and she and I get along much better than she and J do, so I usually end up doing much of the custody negotiations involving his girls. Fortunately, because of the oc situation, I am an old hand at all that!

Thanks for your concerns about rushing. I, too, was initially apprehensive about committing to a new marriage but everything is working so very well for us and I am very comfortable with the level of communication in our relationship. It hasn't always been easy, particularly considering the way in which my failed marriage left me not knowing how to function in a "normal" relationship. But I get wonderful advice from Catnip when I am flaking out, and I am very happy about starting over.

FTB, of course I remember you! How is it going now for you?

To everybody - I appreciate your responses, and I hope to post more. I miss talking to everyone.

-cd

bumping so that member on the private board can see!
-cd

CD.,
Only your news could bring me back to non private board, but I cannot be more delighted and happy for you. I never realized till now that the lawyer you worked for was the lawyer you were dating. this is poetic justice. It sounds like a wonderful love affair gone right and with all your children, it will be a household of children but lots of love. Be happy and I just know this marriage will be a keeper!

JUly 28th sounds like a wonderful day to be married.Are you going on a honeymoon? So nice to hear that you both communicate so well and the kids are all accepting of the arrangment, especially considering his children are so young. You must be getting a big house to fit all these kids-- have you come far in the last few years!

I totally feel very similar to you in regards not being able to get over a long term affair. the fact my husband lied to me over 3 years during affair, and two years post affair discovery while we tried to see if we could stay together destroyed the marriage more than the sex did. I too believe my husband is so ashamed of his behavior, although he still is involved with OW in some capacity, that he cannot look at me daily and see the lack of respect, love, and total distrust that I am sure was in my face on a daily basis. He knew I trusted him completely for years, and his lust and stupidity threw that away.

My dating life is getting more interested, and I just turned one of those big O birthdays. Now, I do not look my age, and in fact, people all this week believed I was easy 13 years younger than my actual age. I am considered the hip Mother in my daughter's circle, and the men I am meeting cannot believe I am really my age. So, that is helping attract some nice men.

But, just to fill you guys in-- I had this big birthday on Tuesday. The guy I am dating, let's call him Mr. wonderful, planned an incredible day. He is semi=retired to be a full time father to his 6 year old son and owns his own company. Anyway, because of that, he has free time in day. WE met at 1 pm, at a hotel I had found and restaurant right on the Pacific ocean. you could hear the waves pounding against the windows in the restaurant and hotel room. We had lunch, he made reservations at the hotel, an ocean front room with the waves lapping outside our window. He brought roses, champagne, and chocolate. He then took me out to a funny musical show about relationships in the city, we had dinner at a beautiful French restaurant before the theater, came back to the hotel, had champagne, watched the ocean, danced to music, and well, leave the rest to your imagination.

Now, he and I have connected in an incredible way right from the start. WE are both ending long term marriages, and he fears what I or he may feel toward the other could just be a rebound relationship. so, a month ago, we stopped the intensity of our relationship, agreed to date others while still seeing each other, but perhaps with less intensity and intimacy. He has gone out on some casual dates, as I have. I believe we need to check out others to see if what we have is not just a rebound.

But when a guy like him does this for your special birthday, and tells you at the end of the day it was a perfect day and date, and has said that in the last two times we got together, well, I know he cares for me.

I hope I have the same happy ending with him as you are having with your Mr. Right, CD. Have a wonderful wedding, and I will be there with you on July 28th in spirit. Wonderful news.

Unhappy wife, now cayenne 54