Robel/Painter...... - Marriage Builders® Forums

Just wondering how you two are doing! Drop a line to let us know. Know that you have some awesome support here!

Tigger

I'm tired and grouchy! Thanx for askin'.

This week's been mid 90s and I have had outside work.

I think we're coasting emotionally. She is taking an algebra class this summer and has been studying hard. I bust my butt all day then watch the boys so she can concentrate. We don’t get a lot of alone time.

She works this weekend; I’m not looking forward to that. I don’t like an empty bed and a head full of worries.

Seriously though, thank-you for asking. I have close friends who would be helpful and supportive, but we haven’t let anyone in on our situation yet. Your concern for us means a lot to me!

Painter & Robel,

I will keep you both in my prayers this weekend! One thing that helped Sailorman and myself was we would check in with eachother. I know it will be harder for Robel, but when you have even a couple minutes break, just pick up a phone and give Painter a call, even if it's to just leave a message on the machine! I'm not sure how easy it is for Painter to call you, Robel, but if there is a way, you could also call, just to see how things are going.

Getting those calls or messages really does help the other person feel special, and helps to rebuild the trust! I really hope and pray that you are both able to rebuild a strong foundation and continue to build the rest of your M on that. Oh, one other thing that helped me(at least) was the saying, "Today is the first day of the rest of our lives"! In other words, for us, it no longer mattered what we'd done in the past, we were living for today, letting the past rest, and letting tomorrow worry about itself. Get through today, and each new day will be better.

Ok, enough of my sayings;) I truly hope that you are both doing well, and look forward to an update from Robel too.

Tigger

Tigger,

Only have a minute as I have to go to the aforementioned Algebra class, but just wanted to let you know we are doing alright. I called Painter from work to let him know I love him. Something I never did before this whole ugly incident so that is a change for the better. We are trying to get better.

Have to go. Wil post more later.

Robel,

I'm glad that you are working on your M, and that you are making the effort with the phone call. Keep it up! I also understand about being busy, as I am always busy too. Just remember that I am here, thinking about you and your H and praying that things continue to work out!

Tigger

I'm so glad that you are working on your marriage. I hope for the best for you and your spouse.

Tigger,

Our biggest hurdle right now is that I work with OM. I have been trying to transfer to another department, but that happens very slowly around my work. There is a day position that just opened up in same department and he works nights so I would only see him in passing. It's not the perfect solution, but until I can transfer to another department I think it will help.

To OM's credit, which it pains me to give him any, he has been very respectful of my request to not talk to me unless it is something that has to be said because it is work related. Sometimes I am extremely angry with him! Not sure how fair that is. I guess I just think that if you care about someone even in the slightest way, you don't jeopardize their marriage, children, life, job, etc....... He is not married, has no children and no responsibilities to speak of. The anger is probably stupid because I am the idiot who almost lost everything and hurt a dear husband because I was frustrated and lonely. Why couldn't I just have depended on Painter for those things??????? Our communication sometimes is frighteningly poor. My joke is that I find out how he feels about things and what we are doing by overhearing his phone conversations with friends because he doesn't tell me.

One time several years ago, I overheard him talking to someone on th phone, of course, and he was saying very positive things about me and how hard I work. Since, it's nights, I don't sleep more than about 8-12 hours in a 3 day period. I didn't even know til then that he even knew how hard it was to do that and I had been working there for years.

It's sad that it took this situation to change things. We communicate often now, say loving things to each other, our sex life is greatly improved and we seem to cooperate very well with parenting our kids. How odd that something this crappy is actually helping us change things. Hoping to figure out a healthy way to effect change in the future if we should slip into a slump. We have also vowed to date once in awhile. We almost never do that.

Thursday night I had a bout of depression again and just went back in the bedroom, curled up on the bed and bawled for awhile. I feel like some horrible evil person did this and the part of me that is basically good has to live with the consequences of hurting Painter and having to worry for the next nine months if this is going to be the big Hawaiin dorks baby or the man I love! I cannot believe that I have just made my life an episode of Ricki Lake! You know those great big pregnant women (usually missing a few teeth) that come on and say that they want to tell their husbands/boyfriend that the baby they are carrying is probably not theirs, but really it's their husband's best friends........ I have officially become trailer trash.

I have times where I feel at peace, as though God has forgiven me and he will heal Painter and I and this will all turn out OK and other times I feel a cold chill go down my spine about getting myself into this situation in the first place.

When I found out I was pregnant, I thought about an abortion despite the fact that I used to volunteer for a pregnancy center that was devoted to discouraging taking this action. I even made the phone call to see how much, which Dr.'s will do it, etc. Then that night I had a dream that I climbed to the top of a fireman's ladder and dropped this beautiful pink baby off of the top and watched it hit the ground and break into a billion pieces. When I woke up, it was clear that no matter what, I couldn't take that action. It's just awfully scarey having to wait and see.

Tigger, I went back and read your first postings when you were still pregnant with your daughter and it was extremely helpful because you were going through the same things. Maybe even worse though since he lived in your neighborhood and apparently assaulted your husband. You also said that you held your head high when people glared at you. That takes alot of courage! No one knows about our situation so I don't have to worry about glares just yet. Most of the time I feel scared to let anyone know. Once in awhile I realize though that people who love me will realize that I am not a horrible person just one who did a horrible thing and will go on to live her life as a good wife, mother, friend, etc. I know if I found out this about my friend's I would hug them and tell them how sorry I was that they were going through this. Probably most people would.

"He who is without sin cast the first stone."

Wow, I'm getting wordy and emotional here. Sorry, Tigger, but thanks for "listening"!

Robel,

You can get as wordy as you want. I'll still read <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I'm glad that my first posts have been able to help you. That's what I was hoping when I searched them out(since the search feature only goes up to 300 posts). I can completely relate to your comment about feeling like the "evil side" of you did this! I can even remember saying to my self, during the A, that I didn't recognize myself in the mirror anymore! It was very freaky, cause I can still remember how that felt!

As for still working w/xom, well, keep working on getting that transfer, and/or look into switching to the day position. Are you working nights so that you don't have to worry about child care? Hopefully things will straighten out soon in that regard.

Have you or Painter looked into the legal side of all this yet? Like Autumnday said earlier, you may have nothing to worry about if your state is like many others, in that if the H doesn't contest paternity, then it can be very difficult for the xom to have anything to do with the child, if that is how you wish to have things happen. I know that's one of the best things that have helped Sailorman and myself in this whole mess.

Well, if there is anything you need to talk about, or just get off your chest, I'll be here for you!

Tigger

Painter said that anything that comes out of me is his to protect. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Could be kinda gross if you think about it, but I know what he ment. I doubt OM will get involved. It's much cheaper just to walk away and he is cheap. I don't think we will have any problems. I still think it is more likley Painter's anyway, but there is still that small question.

I was drinking the night with the dork. I only had 2 PA episodes and both involved alcohol. I cried immediately after the first one. I was sad that I did something like that. I didn't intend to let it happen again, but I went to his house (I being an idiot, thought that we would just talk), and alcohol was involved and he talked me into it. I'm too old to be this stupid! He used the withdrawal method, which is apparently (I have researched it a bit) pretty effective, if you do indeed withdraw. Apparently lots of people do not have the self control to withdraw until they are completely out so this makes it have a 30% failure rate. According to what I have read it is very unlikely that one could get pregnant from pre-cum. Possible, but unlikely. As I know that withdrawing did happen and definately in time, I assume that I might be ok, but there is always the chance.

Painter and I were 3-4 days before ovulation with no BC because I can't take the pill for health reasons. I have an ovulation predictor kit and thought that the odds weren't really high of getting pregnant 3-4 days before ovulation. I have since read that sperm can live up to 5-7 days inside the female body. So I don't know and wish that I didn't have to think about it. Just hope it's Painter's.

I have 1 and 1/2 years more of school to get my nursing degree and this just made things 20 times harder. I feel like a stupid high school kid. This is not the kind of thing people in their 30's are supposed to worry about. One is supposed to be smarter by this time.

Personal question so if you don't want to respond, feel free. Why didn't you use bc with your situation? What about others. Does it just fail or why do we not think of these things???? I just wonder how this ends up happening that so many people end up with OM's child or fathering OW's child. What are we thinking?

Robel,

Well, it's quite embarassing for me, but to lay some ground work, this wasn't my first A, and in the other, BC was ALWAYS used. But, with this one, well, I had told xom about the first A, and he began to use that against me, basically emotionally blackmailing me! He said that if I broke off the A, or insisted on BC that he'd tell Sailorman not only about that A, but he'd also "spill the beans" about the first one!

But, the crazyness doesn't end there, see, Sailorman was on a 6 month deployment when the A was going on. Well, when Sailorman got back, xom kinda got VERY crazy! He would still deny it to this day, but I know for a fact that he was behind what I'm going to tell you next. Supposedly, he started getting these "blackmail" letters and calls, telling him that he had to get me P, or "they" would reveal the A to our spouses(his W had left and not come back, but that's another story)! See, Sailorman STILL didn't know for sure what was going on for almost 2 weeks after he got home! I was going over to xom's house to let the dog out during the day, and due to my suspisions, I marked, very lightly, some of his computer paper. Well, one day, there was this "note" taped to the door, and on the bottom of the page was my little mark! I called xom and didn't say anything about the mark, and he asked if there was a letter, I lied and said no. Well, he started getting weirder, but I had no idea how to break it off! I was scared of things that had been "said" and written in these "letters", things like they would kill my H if I broke it off and stuff like that!

Finally, Sailorman confronted me, I told xom that he needed to take care of his own stuff, and he came over, spoiling for a fight, and told H everything. We BOTH asked xom to leave, but he refused, and when H said he needed to leave BEFORE something happened, xom attacked my H! I had to get a neighbor to pull them apart, and H went in to call the cops. While he was inside, I screamed at xom to leave, and he said that if he'd had the chance he would have killed H!!!!

So, with the way that this guys mind worked, I was afraid to "cross" him when it came to the BC(mind you this all started to get crazy around 3 months before H was due home, and up until then, I insisted on BC) and as I said before, I didn't recognize the woman looking back at me in the mirror!

I know, sounds crazy, but that's how things got to where they did! I still have uneasy feelings when it comes to remembering what happened! I can still feel the fear that he created in me, and it's been over 4 yrs now! I think that the last actual contact was when Sailorman was on aol in Oct after D-day, and xom saw that "I" was online, and he im'd asking if I had told H yet(about first A), which I had done so already. We "ignored" that message after reading it. Then, he im's again with just calling me a whore! He was blocked after that! So, talk about being obsessed!

Now it was me who got long winded! Sorry if I bored you, and gave more than what you were asking for. I don't know if you wrote it down from before, but if you ever feel that something may be too personal for you to post on the board, my email is jnk89_p@yahoo.com. I'm more than willing to share if it will help anyone else who finds themselves in the same position I was in 4 yrs ago!

Tigger

Oh Tigger, Oh Robel!!!!! ((((hugs))))

- Kimmy

Thank you Niosgirl. Could almost feel the hug!

Tigger,

I totally understand sometimes people have control over us that is pretty hard to fight. Especially if he was threatening to tell your husband about a past A. You had alot to lose. Sounds like a creep. I'm glad he's out of your life! Did you move away so that you don't have to deal with him?

I thank you for the hug too, Niosgirl!

Robel,

Our situation is that Sailorman is in the military, so was xom. Xom was waiting for a medical discharge, and when this all happened, his command pushed it through as fast as they could. He was taken to "captain's mast" which is basically the Navy's term/process for court, for assulting my H, and the results from that were that he was knocked down to an E-2(he had just made E-4) and recieved an immediate medical discharge with other than honorable cercumstances. He also, before "mast", had to move out of the housing area, since his W hadn't lived there in over 2 1/2 months! So, we didn't have to worry about anything after he was basically kicked out of the military. Oh, and we were in Hawaii at the time.

I doubt that we will ever cross paths again! I wouldn't be surprised if he got killed either, cause he really had a nasty temper, and couldn't control it either! I do wonder sometimes, though, just out of concern that he may try to contact me some how down the road! I constantly pray that it never happens! Oh well, such is the consiquences of my mistakes, but I've never looked at Abbi in that way! She's an awesome addition to our family!

Tigger

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> Why didn't you use bc with your situation? What about others. Does it just fail or why do we not think of these things???? I just wonder how this ends up happening that so many people end up with OM's child or fathering OW's child. What are we thinking? <hr /></blockquote>Good question robel. I used to ask myself that a lot.

I have no defense. I was stupid, selfish and reckless.

I will say, my H and I hadn't used any real form of BC for a good 10 years. The few times I thought about the possibility of getting P by x-om, I shoved it out of my mind, thinking there was just no way. This was very stupid reasoning, as all my "plumbing" still worked. Not to mention the fact I was risking my life as well as my H's by going unprotected. What a jerk I was.

Harley has this to say regarding P's as a result of an A:

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> Pregnancies are very common in affairs. The passion of an affair makes birth control less effective, and it's often never even used. And birth control is not all that effective even when it is used.<hr /></blockquote>I've never understood why he thinks the "passion" makes BC less effective. Near as I can guess, he means people in an A are in a hurry and are clumsy w/ BC the times they do use it.

On a side note, did you ever get tested for STD's? If not, you must!

Wishing you and Painter well.

~ad

Autumn,

Haven't been tested for STD's. Couldn't deal with that on top of everything else, but will do it soon, as I realize that it is important.

Also, I read your post about your convo with H. Sounds similar to one I had with my H. I was feeling pretty crappy that H was feeling crappy and wondered why I told him. I did because I was so depressed that I figured he would notice something was very wrong and it's extremely hard for me to look him in the eye and lie repeatedly. Managed to do it a few times during the A though, didn't I?

H seems to think that there are certain people that he needs to let in on what is going on as they are close enough to him that they keep asking what is wrong with him. I really don't want him to do this as I will be labeled with the scarlet A <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> for the rest of my life. I guess I don't mind if he tells a few people, but I don't want this getting around to most of the free world or coming back to this child in the future. I suppose I deserve all the humiliation that can come my way, but I don't think this child does!

I agree with your husband. I don't plan on telling this child (if it is indeed OC). God made this baby, helped by my slutty actions. H and I will raise it and love it just like it's 4 siblings. I don't think he/she needs to know of the crappy circumstances surrounding it's conception. I don't want this child for one minute to think that it was unwanted and tragic.

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> God made this baby, helped by my slutty actions. <hr /></blockquote>Okay Robel. I know it's early to be talking you out of beating yourself up - but the baby FEELS what you feel.

Lemmee tell you what I told my dh: our children (because they are OURS, not just his), OUR children are PROOF that God's love is good and kind. Out of all of the sadness He sent us two joys to make up for the hardships we've been through.

Love you hon!

- Kimmy

Nios,

Thank you. Sometimes I'm really good at not beating myself up and other times I want to curl up in a hole and cry for awhile! I am really lucky though because my H has been extremely forgiving and loving. He has handled this really well.

I don't know your background. Did you have an OC or H and are there 2? How are you guys surviving?

Hi robel~

You can find my thoughts about revealing the A/OC on Painter's thread.

I don't think I mentioned to him though, if you do decide to tell, and people see that Painter is with you completely, they will more than likely follow his lead. I would hope that anyone who would continue to view you with a scarlett letter would be rebuffed by Painter.

I'm with Nio in that you need to stop beating yourself up so much. While I'm glad you're remorseful and not trying to defend your A, Nio's right, it's not healthy for your baby. My H just told me the other day, (during the referenced convo), that if I keep dwelling on the past, and not move on, that AB will somehow pick up on it and could be adversely affected.

Your first sentence a few posts back, spoke VOLUMES as to Painter's love for you, and his position on all of this. You said, "Painter said that anything that comes out of me is his to protect". He loves you girl! That, along with your true remorse, are the primary reasons he will be able to love the baby, should he/she be an OC. I bet he won't even think of the baby as an OC. I know mine doesn't. He doesn't like the label at all.

You know robel this is very difficult to admit, (because I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea. I love my son beyond comprehension, as I love my children whom I know I share biologically with my H), but on my down days I've expressed to my H how I sometimes view my getting P as my punishment, and I question why I was given a life long punishment. I wonder why x-om got away with no punishment, etc. My H repeatedly tells me that while the P was a consequece of the A, he views AB as an absolute blessing. He also says AB is the catalyst of all the other blessings that have flowed into our lives ever since D-day. Says we are the benificiaries of the blessings, the x-om is the big time loser. He asks how can I view it a punishment, when we have our M back, and we have this beautiful baby? In the same afore mentioned convo, he also said, if not for AB, chances are good that I may still be in the A or we'd be divorced. He also said, I love AB as much as our other children. No less, no more...the same.

Ok, this is what I meant in my thread about "ad nauseam", but one more story about something my H recently said. It was an evening after he, baby and I left the house, and were driving down the road. We had just had a "run-in" with both of our teen children. They were each really sassy to us, etc...typical teen behavior, you know? Anyway, he proceeds to tell me, "They drive me crazy sometimes...I thank God for AB, if it weren't for him I might forget all the great joys about parenting!", then he turned to the back seat and said to AB, "You're a good little boy...please don't get too sassy, too soon, ok little fella?"...lol.

Just wanted to share with you, (and brag about my H a little), so as to give you hope. I see lots of hope, lots of rays of sunshine in your sitch. Painter is still there, and more importantly he loves you and forgives you. Build on that robel.

Take good care.

~ad

Robel,

Posted on GQII regarding your response to Hezat.

Anyway, again here's my story:

Kimmy's skinny

- Kimmy

Robel

You are truly in a tough situation, but you are doing your best to work on your marriage.. I unfortunatly know how hard things can get, I have 2 kids with Xmm.

You are doing the right thing. As with the baby,you are best off not involveing OM. No matter what you have a wonderful H that is stading by your side and will be a father no matter what. Forget Om is alive. I made the mistake of letting Xmm be involved with the kids, even though my H is considered their dad and am suffering the outcome.

Wishing you the best.

Robel & Painter,

I was just wondering how you are doing! How has the job situation gone? Give me an update!

Tigger

I can't sleep tonite! Been reading stuff here since 3.

robel doesn’t visit MB much, she got tired of reading all the depressing stories. Any time she gets near her computer, she job hunts.

She has an interview Wed with a different company. She always interviews well. She also has had some good leads in other areas of her current employer.

We are still PG. I think we’re at 11 weeks…

I still haven’t “met” OM. I think about it less all the time, but it’s still on my to-do list.

It’s been fun to be with robel again. We aren’t really reacquainting, just learning how to meet each others needs on a different level.

3 of 4 boys are back to school so she gets some time to herself in the afternoons (when 4 is down for his nap). It won’t last long though, her classes will start soon.

I should try to doze for an hour or so, I do have to work today…

<blockquote>quote:<hr />It’s been fun to be with robel again. <hr /></blockquote>Painter~

IMO, this is so key. Enjoy one another.

Spend as much of your free-time with one another. It serves so many purposes...

Provides the time and the "know how" of meeting ENs.

Time is accounted for, honesty more easily established, thus, the trust begins to build.

When you are apart, you have something to look forward to.

Relaxed, easier environment in which to POJA when needed.

Love bank gets back in the black.

So on and so forth...

Can you tell I love the 15 hr.+ concept, A LOT?

I believe the other concepts come more naturally, when you two are spending more time together, one on one. Just makes sense!

My best to you and Robel,

~ad

Painter,

I know that I've said this many times, but if Robel needs someone to talk to, and she doesn't feel comfortable here, PLEASE, have her email me! I am VERY willing to help in any way that I can, and will answer any and all questions she may have for me! I can still remember when I was new to the board, and still P, how alone I felt, since the majority of the posters here were either the BW or the BH. I reached out to any who even remotely seemed to be in my shoes! So, let her know that I do understand where she is coming from, and that if she needs someone to chat with, or even just a cyber shoulder to cry on, I'm here for her if she wants.

As for you two learning to meet each others needs, that's awesome! Keep working together, and make every second you spend together count! Tell her I wish her good luck with the job hunt/change.

Tigger

**edited to correct spelling**

[ August 17, 2004, 09:53 AM: Message edited by: tigger4jdt ]

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> I can still remember when I was new to the board, and still P, how alone I felt, since the majority of the posters here were either the BW or the BH. <hr /></blockquote>Ain't that the truth. Sometimes, I still feel alone...

But overall, this is a good place to be. I wouldn't want to be on a board with only FWS nor solely FBS. I think we can learn from each other.

Painter--Tig can help Robel a lot. She was a great friend to have whilst going through the storm. Heck, she's a good friend to have on a sunny day too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks All for your concern.

I'm doing ok. I feel really good about Painter and my relationship. We seem to be doing really well. I'm trying to be a good Mom and just all around a good person. I feel that God has taught me much through this already and feel happy to know that Painter is starting to feel better too. He seems happy most of the time. I'm sure he still hurts though.

I "spot" of and on so I'm not sure if this pregnancy will work out. To be honest my worst fear is that it will. I spend huge portions of every day praying that this baby is Painter's.

I have nightmares that it comes out and it is jet black. The Om is not that dark, but I am really scared about this baby's appearance. I wish I could stop obesessing about it, but I can't. I am so scared that for the rest of my life I will be answering questions about why does this one not look like his/her brothers.

I honestly think that I have mostly forgiven myself for the A and know that I will never let myself get in that situation again, but what do I do with the residual crap. There's nothing I can do is the answer. I am a fix-it kind of person and it kills me that I can't fix this. I broke it and I can't fix it.

I saw the picture of your family Tig and your D looks just like her siblings. I would never look at her and wonder if Sailorman was her father, it would be a given. I don't know about yours Autumn, but from your posting it sounds like he fits right in too.

I have 4 fair-skinned boys and am terrified that this one will have dark skin like the OM. He's not that dark, but dark enough that I'm scared. I know this shouldn't be the most important issue, but it does seem to be for me. If it's not biologically Painter's I think it will be obvious from day one to everyone and I really didn't want to make a public announcement of my sin to the free world. I feel like I might need to put a billboard up on the boulevard to announce it so I don't have to answer questions.

Anyway this is the storyline that plays in my head most every day.

Job hunting is going ok, but with my school schedule and kids, I am limited to only working Fridays and Saturdays and am unsure of the odds of finding a job that will allow this. I may just quit and try to limp along financially until I graduate in a year and a half. Painter is ok with that, but afraid of no insurance right now. I can cobra it, but it's spendy and with a baby on the way we can't have no insurance. That would be insane.

Amazing that one sin can completely screw up everything, for now and possibly for all of this lifetime. AUtumn mentioned this when you said that you felt you had to pay for your mistake forever. I know how you feel. It's a frustrating feeling because you can't take it back. It's too late. Sometimes sorry just isn't gonna fix it, is it?

Robel,

I'm glad that you are doing well. I can understand how you are feeling at this point! My best recomendation is to take care of yourself, and work on your M and keep being a good mom to the boys! At this moment, that's all you can do anyway, right?

I wish that I had some advice for you job situation, but you know what's best, and I know you will figure something out.

Thank you for what you said about Abbi and her Bro and Sis. In fact, I look at pictures of our 12 yr old when she was Abbi's age, and the only difference I can see is the hair color! Pretty amazing! As for your fears, there are a couple on here(pops for sure, and I think maybe K too) where the OC is a different tone of skin. Maybe they can help you with those fears.

Please, keep us updated when you can! Know that I do think of you guys often, and at the risk of over stating it, I am here for you whenever you need me!

Tigger