One of my best friends called me yesterday to tell me she discovered her husband had had an affair by a letter she received in the mail. It was a court document regarding a paternity suit. She had no clue about the affair because her husband is so devoted to her and the kids, she never suspected a thing or did anyone else. He wants nothing to do with the OW or the OC and seems extremely remorseful about the whole thing.

She is angry and I know she is torn between staying or going and she's a Christian and doesn't believe in divorce, I don't either but have no clue how to help her. I'm so mad at him for hurting her and for ruining their lives. They will never have the normal life she thought they lived. I feel so sick even thinking about it! They have two young children of their own who would never be able to understand the situation or why they have a half-sibling, and would suffer terribly from a divorce. They love their dad so much and my friend loves her husband. I told her they need to seek out some heavy Christian counseling.

I'm sure other people have been in a similar situation, is there anyone who can offer advice or a book she should read. I've read "His needs her needs" about affair-proofing your marriage, I would feel funny lending her this resource post-affair. I don't know how someone can even get over a complicated situation like this one or what the best solution is. No matter what her life will be so hard.

My husband and I almost got a divorce and it was the worst experience of my life. I'm so glad we were reconcilled and worked things out--I can't imagine hard this will be however for my friend. I am so depressed and it didn't even happen to me. I don't know how to help her!

There is hope...I have just come home from a night out wth my best friend and 5 years post affair she said to me that she hasn't heard me bring up the affair at all...a major step in the right directon!
My H said he felt the same way as your friends H. We pay child support but apparently she has remarried and the child has a father figure in his life.
I would never think I would be saying this but you can get past this. My H and I have a much stronger, better, relationship than before.
let me know if she would like to talk.
NGU

Eliz... can you please urge your friend to come here for support, wisdom and comfort! At times its all we have when the outside world does not know.

There is lots of guidance and even emergency advice-------the ladies here are incredible.

Also, she definitely is going to need you !

(((hugs to her and to you))

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY tell her that SO SO many of us..like myself is 1 year past dday and we are living a normal life-- and BETTER life (swear it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) She can and will get past this,and her children do not ever have to know for a loooong time. There can and IS peace once the shock and anger wears off, it usually a much more open and appreciative marraige.. at least I thank GOD that is true of my H and marriage/family. We are ALL much happier now, including the kids. Weve come so far together, its a miracle.

<small>[ February 12, 2005, 12:59 AM: Message edited by: giovanna123 ]</small>

YES their marriage CAN survive!! First they have to focus on the affair and rebuilding trust.

There are good after-affair books. My favorite is "After the Affair" by Janis Abram Spring. It's excellent! Your friend should read the marriagebuilder concepts on this site too (also excellent!), and counseling if they can afford it.

There really aren't any books addressing what to do about OC (other child), but there's plenty of opinions---LOL. Let's address that later.

Right now your friend is in so much pain. We've been there. Ditto tell your friend to come here. She won't feel so alone and weird. This happens more than we realize, to Christians and non.

To YOU---I know you are angry with her H right now, and so is she! But to really support them long term, don't go on and on about the man or tell her what she should do. Be a sympathetic ear; but try to support the marriage---you got a great start here! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Good job! What he did is unexcusably WRONG <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> , and it sounds like he knows it (GREAT news!!). The A does not negate all the good in their lives/marriage. You don't want to say anything you'll regret 10y from now assuming they are still together then! Know what I mean?? They can fake it (stay together) until they make it (really recover, addressing what happened).

Been there done that,
Jenny
6y recovery and glad I stayed. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ February 12, 2005, 04:08 AM: Message edited by: Jenny ]</small>

There is a book I bought off this site called "The Other Child" it's about children of affairs,, great book,, get it for her,it's on this site some place,, she's going to need it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
Plus all the hugs you can give her.
Give her this address to the site too.
Good Luck <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />