Marriage Builders
Some of the most painful posts to read here ....is the confusion and turmoil of betrayed spouses....

those post D-day days weeks and sadly months in which so many things are left unanswered, unaddressed and emtpy...

be still.....

In our turmoil and chaos and the gnawing need to fix and address.....bs bring into their hearts more pain and crisis....

be still...

There was once a saying I read somewhere that went something like to really ever understand someone else we must crawl inside of them and feel the gentle beat of their heart....

easier probably for a BS to move a mountain than to grasp and work from that realm....

but be still...
each moment of stillness you can buy grab or gobble is a moment in which you are free from the pain and free from the fear..

fear of doing the wrong thing
fear of saying the wrong thing...

the goal is not marriage rebuilding at any cost...
the goal is guiding yourself to a place of stillness...no matter the outcome....

the anatomy of a WS is that they changed and molded their own thought processes so that they could engage in a affair....

they did this....
they did this....over time and in a way in which they can barely see the reality of this...but they did do it...

be still

it takes time.....

too many posts are from BS with unrealistic EXPECTATIONS which will harm you...

it is unrealistic to think that the thought processes needed to engage in such vile actions....vanishes over night

working through affair issues takes time...gobs and gobs of it...
and if you find yourself standing in a place of demanding change and specified responses, introspection, apologies, and instant change...

be still

for you are causing more grief that you need to burdon....

they did this...and they must undo this...

will they?
the truth is we don't know..
but to ever be a whole person again they darn well better...otherwise they carry their chaos on and on..and in the end no BS needs to burdon that.....

WS, though hard to see when they have used you as a weapon are very very damaged inside.....

they can not face that damage...and since that damage is YOU the BS...they often can not face you..

so they continue to waffle and wallow in the path that brought them to this place...

the way of rationalizing and justifying downright no two ways about it dispicable behavior acts....

force them to the face and process at once..
they will withdrawal
they will deny
they will retaliate

or even worse they will self destruct themselves....

be still....

don't force responses and actions and answers...be still and know that their non-responses , non actions and non answers ARE their answers....and you can hold them accountable to that

be still
and then make your moves....

ARK^^
Wow! 'nuff said...thanks Ark!
WOW is right!!! thanks!
Thank's for the post. I needed that today.
Perfect.
Ark,

You are always like a breath of fresh air...I needed to hear this today after a long week. You have always provided me with insight and helped to refocus my energies on myself.

Thank you for your insight and wisdom!
Right on, Ark, right on!

Thank you.
Perfectly said...
Quote
be still
and then make your moves....

didn't you mean to say

"be still

and then make your movies"

?????????

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

really great Ark
I THINK THIS IS WONDERFUL!!

For me, this brought to mind: "BE STILL..AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD"

For when I AM STILL, I FEEL AND KNOW THAT HE IS WITH ME...I CAN FEEL HIS PRESENCE....

It's a BS coping skill.."LET GO AND GET GOD"
Ark, your words are wise, as ever Dear Lady.

I would also add that a BS ( and maybe FWS of good heart too) should take heart from their ACTIONS and intent, not from the immediate results of those actions.

There is contentment to be found even amidst the chaos, when you take moments to consider your actions and intent and you find them to be brave and noble. I have learned this.
((( Bob )))

my friend
Ark

Thank you for that.

I needed to hear it...again
*** way up there ***
Beautifully said ARk..... I really needed this today....

Thanks Pep for the bump.....

I just printed this out so I can read it when I get myself to the point of wanting to say or do something.... This can help me stay grounded and not make a mistake......
Very wise. I now understand why WH has probably not tried to contact me. He can't face me.

I have been very still and have not lost hope.

Thank you
Ark,

I am such an edgey, pissy mess right now. Thank you for the reminder that this takes time....and to be still. That is a tall order for me sometimes...wanna get to the "better" part of this.
I am such an edgey, pissy mess right now.

I for one have been there many many times... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

be well..
move slowly,,,

ARK
very good advice that "be still"

it is when you can do no more, when there is nothing else you can do, when miracles happen

we take it so far and then God brings us home
Dear Ark,

Thanks. These words let me know that someone understands exactly where I am...I feel so much loneliness and pain sometimes and just want to scream..."Tell me, Tell me, Tell me...what is it that you plan to do?...do you want me, her?...how long do I wait?" I haven't screamed yet. Sometimes I think I'm silently screaming...then I think of calming things, soothing things, try to refocus my energies and ignore that stomping noisy "elephant in my living room."

This morning I read your post and I cried. It validated my feelings and in my heart and soul I believe your suggestion is what is right for me...it is agonizing at times. I'm just so lonely. Why, why, why should I be rising above all the time...it just hurts so much...I feel quite a bit like a fool...I can't help but think am I being fooled.

Thanks again, your words are so kind...what a thoughtful person you are.

ark^^,

you have a talent of saying words that are like a soft, warm blanket and a cup of tea; shelter from the storm. Your timing for my own personal path has been uncanny...

your words calm and soothe me when my mind is racing, churning, struggling, desperate for answers and solutions. You give me strength to drive the roots of my soul deeper. An old grape vine has a sturdier strunk and the roots are deep and even in meagre, stony soils finds nourishment. And although those old vines bring less fruit volume, it is of better quality: sweeter and more intense.

That is the marriage I want: deep roots, a sturdy trunk, and intense and sweet fruit. Vines, too, must weather excruciating, difficult years.

Be still, be still. Nourishment can be found in the depths.
Ark

I so needed your post this weekend. Divorce papers for me served yesterday and I was pretty down. It reminds to to Be Still and Know God. God has healing on his own timetable.

Thanks so much Ark.
I am now going on six months since my husband's "just friends" emails that just about sent me over the moon. I don't think I will ever get the answers that I am looking for from him. He insists they were just friends and while I didn't see any love words, the emotional connection between them was real. We have been working on our marriage and it seems to be getting better, but I still need a place to talk with others that have had similar experiences. I hope this is the place. Being still is a mantra that I have had for years... IT's hard to do.. but still... being still is where God resides and can work
ark

it is so hard to "be still" when you feel everything crashing down around you and fear you will be crushed as it happens.

but perhaps this is when God wraps his arms around you and protects you...and whispers in your ear...be still...you are safe
Thanks for that, Ark. That's exactly what I've been hearing on the "inside" for that past few days, and your post really confirms that for me.
Ark I want to thank you for those words I know they are true in my head & heart. It doesnt make it any easier to follow just more clear.

Cliff
hi...i am trying to figure all this out..so i can talk about my problem..and help you all...and hopefully i can learn from you too. I am trying to figure out what to do..i never thought i could be that O/W. And i promise i am not some kind of monster trying to hurt anyone. Maybe i can explain to someone some unanswered question they have. Or maybe perhaps anyone out there can shed some light for me. Why do women want so desparately to hold on to a man who has made it very clear he does'nt love them,and wants out?
Ashley you can not help anyone.I think you are a load of cr##. Go away Ashley, I have seen your kind on these boards before.
Maybe I agree that Ashley's posts will not help anyone, but I must say that I at least find it interesting seeing what she has to say. I haven't been around long enough to see her "kind" post very much.

Edited to add: Yeah, so I was wrong.
Okay, nevermind. After reading more of this story on other threads, I've had enough. Wow, my head hurts. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
My dear beautiful Ark,

I agree with LT, your words are soothing to the troubled soul..... like he way a mother calms her frantic child down and lets them know like words to a song......sha na na na, it'll be alright.....sha na na na, just hold on tight.....'

Well ok.....so I can't sing but if you remember that song by BJ Thomas..... you can hear the real song. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Great Post Ark! If the BS here in pain can learn from just this one post, they will have made great porgress. New batch of posters here with the same old problems...... so sad that A virus is still running rampant all around the world. I'd say it is worse than the HIV, AIDs or any other disease. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for posting such a beneficial thread.

Mahalo,
L.
Be Still...that thought was very helpful to me during my 'time'. This (free) exercise helped me a lot in that regard.
It is a meditation/observation exercise(Judeo/Christian based)

Be Still and Know
bump
Ark,

I needed this post. We started MC last week, seems to be going well, we are both doing our "homework" right now.

Is there still contact? probably, but a lot less than 1 month ago.

My w is very motivated to work with the counseling.

And my "extra" assignment for the week was basically to "be still" - no bringing up the past, no accusing about the present.

Thanks for the post.
Ark - Another big thanks from me. B
What a beautiful post. I am finding that it is so true. It comes (again) to me at a time when I need it most. Sort of like He is working through you.

Early on after D-Day, I was (like so many) falling apart. I prayed so very hard to Him to help me and guide me. I prayed for my H to be introspective and to make right within himself what may have caused this A. I was so desperate. One night after about a month or two into recovery, I had a dream that Jesus came to me and all it was was His face (sort of) and two words, "BE PATIENT". I just knew it was Him talking to me. Don't think I'm crazy, but it gave me hope and to this day, every time we hit a bump, I think of that night and His message to me in that dream.

I liken this post to that dream. It contains (for me) nearly the same message.

I thank you for such moving words.
Ark^^,

Gobs and Gobs of appreciation for your post. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />


Even a year and a half after Dday this still does apply. Thanks for the reminder.

k
It is the most common denomonitar of what I want to respond with to an overwhelming number of post...

whispering to many here.....


be still....

just be still...
for a minute
for a moment

be still...

ARK
Thank you for posting that ARK...exactly what I needed to read at this point...
WOW! ARk i ask you to read my post HURTING and I still would really appreciate but I will tell you I needed this advice today and read it because I knew you had a message for me. Maybe this is it or maybe there is more you can share with me. Please read my post and if you have more words of wisdom let me know. I am going to try and BE STILL!
I came upon another "Be Still" message today...

Words from the Lord through Marsha Burns:

January 18, 2006: Be still. The situations you face have caused you to be unsettled and anxious, and you are tending towards impulsiveness. But, I say to you, wait on Me. I will most certainly bring you through this troubling time, and I will strengthen, establish and settle you in My purposes as you yield to My guidance. Stop. Refocus. Be at peace, for you can trust Me absolutely, says the Lord. Ask, and I will give you wisdom and direct your steps. Do not step out in your flesh and by the power of your own good ideas to try to bring resolution to your problems. Have faith in Me, says the Lord.
nice one lady sheep
very nice...

ARK^^
Thank you, ladysheep. I'm really struggling with fleshly impulsiveness lately.
I am bumping this again..

once again..too many newly found outs BS....expecting their spouses some WS...some newly FWS to jump in there and start fixing things...

too many saying...he better do this...
she better do that....

too many...

back off...

EXPECT NOTHING.......

affairs take a long time to create and solidify...
the thought processes of seperating family life and spousal relationships enough to allow, justify and rationalize the actions of an affair...are deep and well rooted in the cranium of the WS....

to expect much marriage building from them....
to expect committment
to expect A N Y T H I N G

can be futile...
and it can be the destruction and demise of your sanity...
and we can't have that.....

here's the deal if you truly truly follow plan A and B...then it releases you from any expectations...which is why it is so very important that plan A have an end point..

plan A is ALL ABOUT giving and doing with no expectations..
it is hard...
and it can suck you dry if you let it..

but if you can look at the challenge of doing, being and saying and really release the thought of any type of return..it can be empowering and sometimes even funny..

as in..
can't wait to see the look of confusion on WS face when I say this.....when he/she expects me to say THAT...that is plan A....

find your value in the movement of Grace via plan A...

but don't bother plan Aing if you aren't planning on plan Bing..it will destroy your esteem with no end in sight..


also those of you detaching from behaviors that you don't like of WS..be very very wary that you are not just detaching without seeking out and finding actions to cherish...

if you focus solely on the negative and see and detach from that..you are setting yourself up to go through seperation and divorce....for you are removing yourself from the marriage.... without replacing yourself in to the marriage....somewhere else...

read your posts...
if it is about expectations from a WS when there is still contact...and you are still newly removed from D-day....

drop all expectations...
burdon the work yourself...

in the end it will be easier than trying to get blood from a stone...

ARK
ARK:

I hope and pray people will listen to you...

and put into PRACTICE what you are PREACHING....
ark^^,

I was gone awhile....so didn't see this when it was originally posted. It has great power and I'm so pleased and grateful to see it now. It is true in an emotional sense. It is absolutely true in a spiritual sense! And for those whose faith my be flagging....it is true also in a physical (and measurable) sense.

Wonderful post ark!
Quote
read your posts...
if it is about expectations from a WS when there is still contact...and you are still newly removed from D-day....

drop all expectations...
burdon the work yourself...

in the end it will be easier than trying to get blood from a stone...

ARK

Ark,

First let me say that you always seem to know what I need to read/hear, before I know it myself...

Question for you on the above quote...and this comes up because of a post on Recovery called Expectations? by CamoKnightsWife...she is one year from DDay, I am about 6 mos from DDay...There is NC in both of our situations...I can't speak for her, but will direct you to her post...for myself, I will say that my FWS has committed to the family, but he is still not fulfilling my ENs, and meeting me halfway in terms of working on our M...We did the EN questionnaires in January but have not shared them with each other...I have mentioned this to him several times that I would like to discuss them... We never get around to do it...When I mention anything about MB, he says he will read it, but then never does...He does not want to talk about the A, wants me to get over it already...I have tried to make him feel safe in sharing his feelings/details of the A, but I am getting frustrated.

Any suggestions on how to get him to sit down with me and do the work we need to do? I have told him that he is hindering our recovery by dragging this out. I have told him that our marriage is in jeopardy...It seems to have an effect for a day but nothing changes...I feel like my expectations are too high for him right now...I don't believe it is a withdrawal issue, as he has insisted the A was only for sex, and he did not love her, and he never was going to leave his family.
mamafish..

while I certainly dont have all the answers...

I would suggest that you MAKE the time....
try doing it creatively...


get the calender out.....
clear the schedule of kid and commitments....and pick atleast 4-6 time frames in the next four to five weeks in which there is nothing but time for you and him..

make it so...

clear schedules....
make time to tackle small portions of these issues...

change your language from a language that he will use to against you..
get over it
quit asking
it was nothing...

change your language to a language of love..and offer him small doses of it at a time....

make a plan with your private calender of small small pieces of this picture...
change your language...
for example you want to communicate to him how your mind creates these images of him with the OP...and these images sometimes make you sad...

communicate this to him...
but do it in a loving way...\
and in a non threatening way..
communicate it more like a musing out loud thing...
a swan song of hope ....

I know heres a story I experienced.....
when doing visiting nurses in home I had a pt with Parkinsons...a WWII vet...met with him and wife in their home she was primary care giver....

she and he were a lovely lovely couple...
she told me a story that durning WWII he was stationed on a base in Greenland...
harsh harsh terrain...
ungodly weather...no sunlight...
the degree of mental depression these soldiers were subjected to was most likely misunderstood...and never addressed...just based on lack of sunlight alone...

their isolation
their being stationed litterally on the edge of the earth...

she said he never would talk to her about it..
told her nothing of what it was like to be stationed on the edge of the world....
but he was never the same.....either...
something was always a little sad and him not talking about it changed for always the way the two interacted..
and though they loved...
it stole some piece of their joy...
for there was period in which they were strangers...

tell him that story...make it yours...tell him you read it heard it what ever...
and end the story with you thinking the time he was in his affair is similiar to you and him being that far seperated...

that he appears to you like a stranger...and isnt it strange to feel that way about a spouse...

that for him to do what he did even as he claims just for the physical...must have made him feel bad....
and you never wanted to be shut off from him..to feel that bad...

but make it yours..this story....
that story can work a million different ways..

but mamafish..what I am saying is change your approach..dont go for the whole ball of wax...seek parts and peices...that can then be built upon..


write things on your calendar..on saturday I am going to plant a seed of getting my husband to see the value of telling me more...just a seed...

and then on monday...make a plan for something to say or do...that builds up it...

and so on....

make one day that I wont do anything but slurp him up one side and the other....


change how you communicate your need to know...and offer it to him in peices with no demands of a response...just your side of it.......and how it affects you....

plan romantic episodes...
after the kids are in bed...
bring joy into your home...

speak your pride of him
etc....

consider a plan where you plant and work for two months...at this and that..
consider at the end of two months you and he take a weekend alone...
one of communicating and loving...

mamafish..I also could not survive without the truth...
and sometimes changing the way we try to get it works...

ARK
Ark,

You are very wise...That story speaks out to me also...my H and I were basically living as strangers during his A...he and I worked opposite schedules (me-day shift Mon-Fri and he-graveshift 11 pm - 9am Thurs= Sun)...we were always apart or passing each other on the way to / from work...Many times I said he had a double life and of course he denied it....He said that he felt rejected from me and she was there and offered him the SF and affection he was missing...He felt like I didn't care about him any more...

I think your approach may work...I have been going about it in the wrong way... I have been thinking that once I knew all the answers/details, I could move on...and so I bury it inside of me and then it comes out as accusations and nagging...When we have talked and it starts to get overwhelming, he calls for a "time out" so I think that doing this bit by bit will help...

I will change my approach and make a plan, one that will take some time to carry out, but will hopefullly bring us closer...I am trying to do it too fast and too soon...I realized today that I have stopped trying to change my behavior by focusing on his behavior, and I need to stop doing that...your advice helps me to see what I can do about it....it can't be rushed through, and I can't stop working on myself and how I communicate with him....

Thanks for the suggestions...I will work up a plan and put it on the calendar...I feel much better now that I have a sense of direction...
Great post. Really appreciate it.
I ask God for a lot of things, more than once a day.
I always thank God for something at least once a day.

Today, I'm thanking Him for you, and the gifts given to you, insight, eloquence, and strength.

thank you, too, for sharing the burden
thank you moira..that is very very kind and I am touched..

ARK
Thank you ark. Sometime we need to slow down a little. I'd be interest in having you insight on my 180 + Plan A post if you don't mind.

Thanks again for this post; it is helpful. I printed it out.
Ark,

Just wanted to give you an update since I took your advice and planted a seed with my H to get to the truth...I gave it a try...and it worked...I stopped putting the focus on me,and my feelings about the A and started just listening...

We had a kids-free day and I didn't plan to even get into a discussion...I was actually just thinking we could spend some fun time together...he started talking about OW and alot of things came out about the A...I was calm and listened, asked a question here and there...but I forced myself to keep the focus on him and her, and not on how I felt about it...Previous conversations would have me say something like, "didn't you feel guilty?" or " didn't you think about me at all?" Lots of LBs. This time, I didn't give in to it...

Your approach worked...now that he knows he can talk to be safely, I know he will open up to me again...

Thanks for your advice....
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

well bless your hubbies pea picken heart...

good for you mamafish...
good for you..

ARK
Quote
Ark,

Just wanted to give you an update since I took your advice and planted a seed with my H to get to the truth...I gave it a try...and it worked...I stopped putting the focus on me,and my feelings about the A and started just listening...

We had a kids-free day and I didn't plan to even get into a discussion...I was actually just thinking we could spend some fun time together...he started talking about OW and alot of things came out about the A...I was calm and listened, asked a question here and there...but I forced myself to keep the focus on him and her, and not on how I felt about it...Previous conversations would have me say something like, "didn't you feel guilty?" or " didn't you think about me at all?" Lots of LBs. This time, I didn't give in to it...

Your approach worked...now that he knows he can talk to be safely, I know he will open up to me again...

Thanks for your advice....

Mamafish,

How did this discussion begin? What did you say to get him talking?
Barkingspud,

I just read your post--sorry for the delay in my response. I only have web access at work during the week..

How did I get him to start talking? Good question...As I said in my post, I didn't even plan it, but he actually brought her up in passing...She was a coworker and he no longer works at the company. He called one of his friends that still works there and the coworker mentioned her and how she is spreading rumours about him...

That's how it started to begin with, and he was saying how screwed up she is and has to be the center of attention. He was saying alot of negative things about her and I was just listening... So he says that the A was just physical and meant nothing to him, and he said you would be amazed if you ever saw her, because she is not very attractive. He said, you are putting yourself through too much thinking about her because it wasn't all that..

So I said, well, I don't know her, so the only thing I know is what you have told me about her...All I know is that she has blond hair and is shorter than me... So he proceeds to tell me all about her looks, then about her history, etc...alot of this was just him talking, me listening, and not interrupting. I let him just talk and if there was a pause, I'd let him fill it...I was completely calm and collected...As I said above, I didn't make a single statement about ME...and my feelings (I previously did this a few times which turned into lots of tears and arguments).

Another point that I made to him was that the not knowing is worse than the knowing, and that my mind would imagine the worst when it was not necessarily how it happened. Only he could tell me the truth of what it was all about.

It was a start...It was not easy, but I felt better afterward, and I told him that...I think that I have shown him that I can talk about her in a calm manner, without making him feel guilty or upset...

Are you trying to get your WS to open up to you? It takes a while...there has been NC in our case, and he has said that he was never leaving me and the kids. I have raged at him many times and even when he would answer my questions, he would answer in a defensive way, and would get so upset that he would end the discussion...he did end this discussion also, but it was due to the timeframe...

Another suggestion that I got from another poster was to ask him to tell me his story as if he were writing a book, and then listen calmly also...that was my original plan, but he seemed to be in a talkative mood that day, and I think he wanted to get some things off his chest.

I hope that helps you...
Quote
I know heres a story I experienced.....
when doing visiting nurses in home I had a pt with Parkinsons...a WWII vet...met with him and wife in their home she was primary care giver....

she and he were a lovely lovely couple...
she told me a story that durning WWII he was stationed on a base in Greenland...
harsh harsh terrain...
ungodly weather...no sunlight...
the degree of mental depression these soldiers were subjected to was most likely misunderstood...and never addressed...just based on lack of sunlight alone...

their isolation
their being stationed litterally on the edge of the earth...

she said he never would talk to her about it..
told her nothing of what it was like to be stationed on the edge of the world....
but he was never the same.....either...
something was always a little sad and him not talking about it changed for always the way the two interacted..
and though they loved...
it stole some piece of their joy...
for there was period in which they were strangers...

Thank you! This story mirrors in so many ways what I feel when I look at my FWH. I don't feel the anger anymore. Now I look at him and just wonder who he is. Where did he go and why? Do I love him? I'm not sure anymore. I feel now that he is my friend, but not my husband. I am hoping that this, too, will pass. That someday in the not-so-distant future, I will feel passion again--like we had before. But how to get to that place? It is so far away . . .

Is this where you "fake it 'till you make it?" Do you try wild, passionate SF even when the thought of SF with someone who did this is revolting to you?
Ark,
Does this be still also hold true if NC has been for over a year and a half. I am just wondering the how longs there. I know I have been told basically the same thing, I am impatient. I guess that I have had high hopes that after NC was established, and withdrawl was over, that things would move a little faster from then on. It seems to be a very slow snail like ride, and even after a year and a half from NC sometimes ends up almost as bad as DDay. Do you still be still to wait for the FWS to fix thier parts, and if so how long is too long?
JE
[quote
[/quote]

Thank you! This story mirrors in so many ways what I feel when I look at my FWH. I don't feel the anger anymore. Now I look at him and just wonder who he is. Where did he go and why? Do I love him? I'm not sure anymore. I feel now that he is my friend, but not my husband. I am hoping that this, too, will pass. That someday in the not-so-distant future, I will feel passion again--like we had before. But how to get to that place? It is so far away . . .

Is this where you "fake it 'till you make it?" Do you try wild, passionate SF even when the thought of SF with someone who did this is revolting to you? [/quote]


CSJ,

I know what you mean...I don't really feel anger or hatred toward my H, but I wonder what happened to him...Shortly after DDay, when he had told me that he was afraid of losing me as his wife and also his friend, and he said that I was always his friend, I asked him, "where was my friend when you were having your A?" He answered, "Off being stupid"...

In my case, Intellectually, I can understand how and why this happened, thanks to the books SAA and HNHN...Emotionally, however, I cannot understand it...why did he do this? How could he not think of me and my feelings? I love him, but I am not sure if I am in love with him anymore...I feel love for him at times, and other times, I just feel like we are just good friends...who have SF, much more than before the A, but it is different in a lot of ways....The SF has been exciting and passionate and my H says it is better than it has been in years. He has told me that the major reason for his PA, was due to the lack of SF we were having and that he felt rejected by me as I put the kids' needs ahead of his. This is true, and I have worked hard to meet his top EN of SF since...It has taken me a while to get the OW out of my head during SF, and when he does something a bit differently or new, of course I know where he learned it, and it hurts.

As for faking it until you make it, I guess that is what I'm doing in a way...You do need to try to meet the SF need, and in my case, it is a way for me to feel close to my H...When he gets his SF need met, he meets mine, and then meets my needs for affection and attention...We are turning around our pattern pre-A, which was like a vicious cycle - he was not communicating with me, so I withdrew from him sexually and the less he communicated with me, the more I withdrew...he felt rejected, and stopped approaching me...then I withdrew further...

The SF will not be the same as it was "before", but it can be better...You need to show your H that sex and love are intertwined and that if you have both, the SF can be unbelievable...
My Dad always like to repeat that old saying . . . the one about if you get bucked off the horse, you just get right back on. I guess that's what I need to do here and just do it. But it is proving to be harder than I thought.

My FWH tried to initiate SF with my only days after DDay--and there was just NO WAY. But now I think he's scared off and waiting for me to initiate things. I really have thought about trying to set up a romantic evening so many times, but my heart just isn't in it. I picture the OW--and I just feel sick. Maybe part of it is my own insecurities. I view myself as an attractive woman, but have always been a bit self-conscious about not being very "well-endowed." During the A, my then-WH told me about this "waitress he knew" who had this great boob-job, and wouldn't I like to know the name of her doctor? He said it like a joke, so I laughed and didn't think much of it. But, as this trashy waitress turned out to be the OW, I am just terrified of him comparing me to her. She quite obviously got some pretty substantial implants--it's the first thing you notice to look at her. So if that is what my FWH finds attractive, I just don't have it. And the thought of having plastic surgury to make myself over to like like his little slut is just unacceptable.

Right now I honestly feel like, if I never have SF with him again it is perfectly okay with me. But I know that is not the way to go about healing the marriage.

CSJ
Hey CSJ,

I understand what you are feeling... It took us a couple months, and even then my H was afraid to touch me. He still is afraid to approach me...

I always thought I was somewhat attractive, but insecure so this just made my self-esteem go way way down...My H's OW is NOTHING at all like me physically. In fact, My H says that I am much more attractive and I would be surprised if I saw her because she is not someone that you would look twice at. That being said, she thought she was a 10 and acted that way. Most of the threads I have read, have had OWs that are very different than the BW, and I think that is part of the draw. The OW is new and exciting...

I think that regaining your desire for SF takes time...We did it before I felt any desire to do so, but I think that this was my H's way of showing his love for me, even though he insists that his A was only a sex thing...he thinks this makes me feel better, than knowing that he was in love...But, if it was only sex, then how is it different with me? I can't even put my feelings into words on this...I wish I could... It's a sickening feeling to know that he was doing these things to her and it didn't mean anything to him, so what does it mean to him to do these things to me?
Mamafish-

I am glad to hear that it sounds like you and your H are making it. It is like a little ray of hope to hear about success from someone who is on the same path, but a bit farther ahead.

It's a long and exhausting road though, isn't it? And sometimes it seems that the more I figure out about the A, the more it doesn't make sense to me. At first I was obsessed with answering the WHY question--why did you do this to me? Why would you betray our marriage? And in reading "HN/HN" and "Surviving", plus talking things through with my FWH, I think I get it. It's like that cycle you spoke of-- withdrawing a little here--feeling a little neglected there.

And now that I've answered the WHY question, I think: "THAT'S IT?????? You cheated on me because of that??????" It all seems so ludicrous--to risk throwing away a decade with someone you love--your children--your career even. For nothing really.

But at least I can say there is progress. I look back at where I was a few months ago and I think, whew! I am not angry anymore! (At him anyway--I have allowed myself the luxury of continued anger at OW.) Babysteps. Little by little.

Blessings to you and your family.
ark, I've read this about 30 times and I swear I just don't get it. What does it really mean?
CSJ,

I know what you mean when you said THAT'S IT?!?!? I said the same thing...To throw away everything that I thought we were working for together. I thought I was doing the right thing by being the strong mother and taking care of the kids. This is what he always stressed to me--they need their mother, you are such a good mother, etc. I became more of a mother than anything else, and before his A started, I would tell him that I was losing myself, there was no ME anymore...

The thing that bothers me and I will never understand is how he could just go and do this, without even trying to talk to me about his dissatisfaction with our Sex life...He says that he did try, but he would say it in an angry or confrontational way, and I would get defensive. Never did he say, look, my needs aren't being met by you, I feel rejected, you put the kids first, and I am interested in someone else.. If he had done this, I would have realized the seriousness of it all and would have worked to change my behaviors...

It's just a shame that we are here...I try to tell myself that at least now there is a ray of hope in our marriage but I get discouraged alot too. I also like to read about success stories...It's just so *%%* hard to get through day by day...

Unlike you, though, I am not angry at OW, because I don't feel that she betrayed me. I did not know her, she was a coworker of his, and she did not know me...I was nothing to her at all. I think I am getting to the anger stage, or am in it, at my H, though, because I feel alot of resentment instead of love. I feel like he should be doing more to work on the M instead I feel like it is up to me to do it. He is remorseful and swears that he was never leaving me, but at the same time, he wants me to move forward...
I am so lost...

tell me what you don't get..so I can help you....

ARK
Ark,
Does this hold true for recovery also?
JE
bumping away.............

ARK
Quote
Unlike you, though, I am not angry at OW, because I don't feel that she betrayed me.

I don't really know my FWH's OW either--not personally. I know who she is because I had seen her before, but we have never spoken.

But I do feel like she betrayed me--and mothers everywhere! Is that wierd?

Maybe it's because she KNEW that I had just had a baby when she started chasing after my H--sending him lewd text messages, etc. She is a mother, too (two young children ages 7 and 4) and had to know that my H's EN's were on the back burner--as were my own needs for that matter--while I dealt with the constant needs of a brand new baby. For her to try and take my H away from his two little children--and abandon her own kids in the process--sigh. I do feel anger for her, and for all women like her.

At some point, I know that I will need to forgive her, too. Hate is a heavy load to carry around, and I don't want to be the kind of person who becomes consummed with bitterness and anger. But I just can't seem to let go of this yet.

Be strong, and good luck. I always enjoy your posts--and your wisdom.

-CSJ.
csj,

Thanks for you words of wisdom..I'm going to start a new thread for you so as not to threadjack this very good thread of Arks.

mamafish
hi all, im VERY new at this but i found this web page by accident some time ago, i read the posts but i still have a hard time with reality. i was married for over 15 years, i was blindsided with my wifes affair. she was very active in one of my kids sports organizations and developed her affair with a married man that had NO kids but was on the board of directors for the organization. long story short....she wouldnt stop the affair, i moved out in 2/04, she filed for divorce in 3/05, finalized in 9/05 and remarried 11/05. the hardest part that i have trouble dealing with is it seems like she is living the fairy tale. million dollar house, new job, travel etc...wine and dine my kids,(who still remain loyal to me) but live with their mom and new husband 50% of the time. although i came out ok through divorce, i live in a very modest apt and bascially paycheck to paycheck, although im VERY comfortable. both divorced each spouses so they could marry. what i find to be the cruelest cut, is this weekend they are having their "wedding reception", 150 guests...lavish place etc... several of "our" friends will attend...i guess i was just needing to sow some sour grapes...i still get alittle envious at hoe great her life seems...i know the odds of her marrigae lasting are stacked against her...but it seems like she might be the exception to the perecntage. (footnote) she put on alot of weight, looks haggard at times, always yells at kids and seems angry anytime i do or go somewhere nice. i am dating a wonderful woman and everyone says she is jealous based on observations and actions...i just dont see it...i am just AMAZED at the speed this affair/remarriage took place and how i SEE her life being great. i would not consider reconcilliation and in fact turned down an overiture from her before divorce settled (too much pain and water under the bridge i guess) i just cant seem to get over the tinge of jealousy or envy...does it ever get easier???
i get alittle angry with my so called friends that still maintain a relationship with her and get tired of hearing "im both your friends" YUCK!!! ;-)
^^bump^^ for Barely Breathin <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Ark,

I really needed to read your post on Be Still again. I am so tempted to try, yet again, to change my H's mind. He is lost and refuses to be found. It really is all I can do to "be still". It feels sooo wrong to see him move out and to hear him talk to the kids and not want to talk to me. I hurts more than I can bear and, honestly, I am so afraid that it will hurt more before I feel any better.

Thank you Ark. Thank you. I am another "lighthouse" here in Michigan. God's light is shining through my windows and out into the deepest, darkest fog around my beloved. If I go out into the fog to find him, I never will. If I am "still" and shine brightly, maybe he will find me.

That is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It involves more trust than I have ever had. But, if I am going to trust in anything, I want to trust in my God. He is with me every step and holding my hand when I can barely stand.

Ark, you are a wise and wonderful woman and I pray that God rewards you for you giving heart.

Loni
bump
I just found this tonight and I have to say that I really needed to read this right now. Ark--I've read other things that you've written and I appreciate you so much. This one is also getting copied and pasted into Word and saved for me to pull out and read over and over. ((((HUGS)))) Thank you so much--your words help.
wow thanks for the advice maybe u can read my post and see my story tks for those words...
gotta bump...there are BS's who need you, ark^^
Ark,

Loved your post on being still. I have learned to do just that when I get anxious....like right now!

WH moved out in early Jan--we are still in Plan A, but I stopped telling him 'I love you' in Feb. and soon after, he started talking to me again. Right now--no pressure, just small talk about his work problems, our son, every day stuff. I feel he is fence sitting and I don't know how and when to implement Plan B. He's having an EA with a coworker. Don't know if it's escalated to A--we don't talk of her--don't even know if it's still going on. I have been slowly withdrawing attention--don't call, or initiate contact, but when he calls I am pleasant--then he disappears for a week or so. My friends say that he just wants me in his back pocket.

Are there any guidelines to follow here? I have read SAA, Love Must be Tough, and about a dozen other books.

I Know....be still. Any advice you can give is so appreciated.

Dancer

BS--me 49
WS--40
One son, his by another marriage
DDAY November 2006
Move out Jan 2006
Still love him, our marriage and son, trusting God for His will to be done.

Lamentations 3:19-40.
I ran straight into these words again today!!...only by song this time.

For the spiritual ones...the song is called "Peace" by Sherry Youngward. (at the bottom of the page). Have your speakers on!

http://www.firefighters.org/html/worship_music.cfm


Blessings,
Lady
Bump for a good cause
Perfect timing...thanks I needed that!
Me too. Thanks Ark!
I don't want to tell you what was going through my mind until I read that.
Printed and now has a home in my pocket
Thanks Ark! I forgot all to often that is exactly what I need to do...I need to forget everything else and just watch the garden grow for awhile, and stop trying to weed it!

I love your insight! You are amazing! Have a wonderful day!
This goes with the saying; "Don't just do something, stand there!!" Good advice, I only wish I could follow it.....
I don't know who bumped this thread but you are a genius. I've read and puzzled through this thread many times. Be still? Be still? What the heck is that? How could I DO that?

Today, I get it. I'm understanding "still". I'm at a place where "still" is where it's at.

Thanks to whoever bumped it because I needed it.
ark

Thank you sooo very much for the post. It's hard to believe that D'day was one year ago Saturday. Day by day, I march on, wondering whose leading the band. Pushing away the fear and dealing with and within myself has been a challenge, but a gift. What was he thinking when he committed this crime against my soul and his? I look forward to years from now, happening upon the subject and hearing, from a repaired yet tattered heart, what drove him. I look forward to years from now, with him.

I am not angry, I am still. My love is alive, and that's all I can ask for today. My patience does not always prevail, but has allowed an openness to come between us again. He said, "we" the other day. That was a gift. baby baby steps. The greatest gift? I am looking 'forward' again. I look back to examine and learn, not to find anger and resentment. Resentment lives, but it no longer rules. Oh, I could go on and on.

ARK you have inspired me, thank you.
Thank you, Ark, for your great advice. All too often, I am being impatient with WH and being still is just too hard. I know that this is the biggest test of my life- to be still. I am so glad that I read this today but I was having a hard time being still a few minutes ago. It just seems like an eternity. However, I am willing to be still for the sake of my M.

I am going to print this out and tape it to my forehead. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I want to keep this on the front page.

Its exactly where I am and what I need...after all this time he is coming around...I want him to hurry up about it!!!
bump
Ark,
as always words of wisdom to live by. being still is such a task. but one that is empowering for just those few moments. as time goes, moments turn to hours, and hopefully days and weeks (haven't gotten there yet.)
I have struggled with the perfect inner dialogue to redirect myself away from AO's and DJ's, and FU's. I usually just say in my head "shut the **** up"
Be Still is such a better mantra, just saying it is calming. I also have printed your words, and plan to memorize them. Oh, if I could tape them to the inside of my head!!!!
Bump, this needs to stay at the top
Thanks for bumping this. I needed it today. It is beautiful.
This reminds me of (and I am severly paraphrasing scripture here) the story of Elijah, when he was running away from the evil queen Jezabel... he hid in a cave, and there was a terrible storm, earth quake, darkness etc... and it says the Lord was NOT in the storm, or the quake etc... it was a "Small still voice" that helped Elijah... I like to remember that when there are personal storms and earthquakes... just a thought to think ;o) PS. ya might wanna look it up in the bible since I did such a crappy job of reciting it...lol SAS. thx ARK for the reminder. SAS
bump
bump...thank you TA and eaglesoar
BUMP for Stillhurting and others,,,
Bugs,

Got the bump. And it's something I would add to my favorites if I knew how.

Bugs your terrific.

Still
I wish I had read this on my D-day.
Be still...

But it's so hard...

Be still...

but, but, BUT...

Just be still...

But she's, they're...

be still...

Printing it out to read every morning...

Thanks ^^Ark
ugh, I wish I had read this before I sent my wh that last email... it wasn't a mean email, it was a desperate one for answers and explination, it'll probably make him feel a bit bad at first, but I'm sure he'll get over it just as quick.
Ark thanks for writing this. And to all that bumped it..THANK YOU.

Something I needed to hear. Just not sure how to still my mind and heart.

Be still...

Thank you.
Bump. This is so important. It should be a sticky.
bump
Thanks for bumping this LASunshine.

And Ark, I've read this orignial post before and it just hit me different when I read it last night.

Do you mind if I cut & paste the original post onto my thread so that I can read it often and go back to it on my thread?

Thanks for the thread Ark.
bump for all the new people.
This is something everyone needs to read...

Great post
bump for new people and old who need reminders
Bump!
^
Everytime I read this it reaffirms my efforts. This is great advice.
one of my favorites....one of the best lessons on here......

^^^^^bumping for the new crop of newbies....^^^^^

not2fun
Wow, I'm glad I went to page 2! I think this is what my MC has been trying to tell me.

Be Still.

Allow the process to "happen". Don't push it. Don't force it. Just let it be, still...

one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time...

Be Still.

Thanks,Ark.
Quote
[quote

Thank you! This story mirrors in so many ways what I feel when I look at my FWH. I don't feel the anger anymore. Now I look at him and just wonder who he is. Where did he go and why? Do I love him? I'm not sure anymore. I feel now that he is my friend, but not my husband. I am hoping that this, too, will pass. That someday in the not-so-distant future, I will feel passion again--like we had before. But how to get to that place? It is so far away . . .

Is this where you "fake it 'till you make it?" Do you try wild, passionate SF even when the thought of SF with someone who did this is revolting to you? [/quote]


CSJ,

I know what you mean...I don't really feel anger or hatred toward my H, but I wonder what happened to him...Shortly after DDay, when he had told me that he was afraid of losing me as his wife and also his friend, and he said that I was always his friend, I asked him, "where was my friend when you were having your A?" He answered, "Off being stupid"...

In my case, Intellectually, I can understand how and why this happened, thanks to the books SAA and HNHN...Emotionally, however, I cannot understand it...why did he do this? How could he not think of me and my feelings? I love him, but I am not sure if I am in love with him anymore...I feel love for him at times, and other times, I just feel like we are just good friends...who have SF, much more than before the A, but it is different in a lot of ways....The SF has been exciting and passionate and my H says it is better than it has been in years. He has told me that the major reason for his PA, was due to the lack of SF we were having and that he felt rejected by me as I put the kids' needs ahead of his. This is true, and I have worked hard to meet his top EN of SF since...It has taken me a while to get the OW out of my head during SF, and when he does something a bit differently or new, of course I know where he learned it, and it hurts.

As for faking it until you make it, I guess that is what I'm doing in a way...You do need to try to meet the SF need, and in my case, it is a way for me to feel close to my H...When he gets his SF need met, he meets mine, and then meets my needs for affection and attention...We are turning around our pattern pre-A, which was like a vicious cycle - he was not communicating with me, so I withdrew from him sexually and the less he communicated with me, the more I withdrew...he felt rejected, and stopped approaching me...then I withdrew further...

The SF will not be the same as it was "before", but it can be better...You need to show your H that sex and love are intertwined and that if you have both, the SF can be unbelievable... [/quote]

Oh, Mamafish, I could have written exactly what you wrote, word for word. How many of us are there with the same story?

But I am feeling more like CSJ at the moment - loving but not "in love". Not feeling the desperate, passionate, heart-thumping, spine-tingling love that H probably felt with OW. Is that the "real thing" or is it the steady, day to day, kiss before heading off to work, snuggling at bed time, discussing the morning news over coffee, dealing with the kids or the aging parents, kind of love? I don't know if I'll ever feel the former again, but I know I CAN feel the latter.

We had amazing, mind-blowing, thigh-trembling SF up until about 2 weeks ago - even in the week following D-day. But it has cooled off a bit. H says his age prevents him from daily SF. Although the only person he ever had SF with 6 days in a row (sometimes twice a day) WAS NOT WITH ME, and I totally resent that. Do I sound a bit pissed-off?
I needed to apply the just be still mantra today.

It was a hard day. I couldn't be still. I wanted to call and yell at him and try to let him know how bad he had hurt me. Logically I knew it wouldn't work, but emotionally, in my heart, I wanted to anyways.

Instead I went to see my therapist and unloaded on her for an hour. And this helped me get it together for the rest of the day.
LA,

I'm glad you were able to unload somewhere useful instead of hurtful to you. It's so important for us to learn healthy ways of taking care of ourselves.

I think alot of us on here, need to learn this.

How are you doing now?
Originally Posted by QueeniesNewLife
LA,

I'm glad you were able to unload somewhere useful instead of hurtful to you. It's so important for us to learn healthy ways of taking care of ourselves.

I think alot of us on here, need to learn this.

How are you doing now?

I'm gonna be ok. My therapy lady helped me alot today.
Good, I'm glad.

And I am proud of you for talking through things and working towards solutions. It's important for your recovery.
Thought I would share this with everyone.. and it's perfect for this thread.

During the 9 months since DDay I've taken to looking at church signs as one of the many ways God has to communicate with me.

This morning I saw for the first time one that was just about perfect:

God wants you to BE STILL so that HE can untangle the knot.


How PERFECT for MB and this thread in particular. Any parent here has probably at some point had to try to sort out a particularly messy shoe knot with a little one who just won't sit still long enough for you to sort it out. It's the same way with God and us.. God WANTS to help us through our problems, and wants us to trust HIM completely. We just need to BE STILL and allow HIM to do HIS work.


Thanks again Ark for this thread.. it's been a lifesaver to me and many others.
bump for N2F...
MEDC....

Of all the people to bump this for me,,,,,you were the LAST one I would have guessed to do it.....LMAO....many thanks to you....

Not2fun
while I may not agree with the idea here...if it helps YOU, then you should have access to it.

Good luck.
Bump for Newbies.
Bump
I love this post. I have it bookmarked for my OC group.
bumping for Schoolbus....(she requested it on another thread....)

and for any newbies of course....

not2fun
One of the best threads on this forum.
bump for another newbie...
That was exactly what I needed to hear ARK, thanks
bumping for those who have never seen this.....

this was the one thread amongst many many great ones that got me through the early days after Dday......and the months to follow...

not2fun
I printed out this post & have it folded up in my purse. Not a day goes by that I do not read it. I've read it in line at the store, bank, walking in the mall, even out with friends when they bring my sitch up I will excuse myself to the bathroom and read it. It's helped alot.
bump
bumping for schoolbus....who wanted to bump it for someone else....


edited....opps..I mean I bumped it for Cherishing who recommended it to gettingoverit...
Ok.. this very thread has contributed quite a bit to the peace that I have managed to scratch out for myself in the year that I have been struggling with my lovely and otherwise very intelligent wife's betrayal and destruction of my family.

I've been trying to find a way to give back along the way and find myself increasingly posting hope to others who find themselves in this terrible situation.

I found something in my devotional 'internet browsing' today from a website designed to help Christians understand Hebrew a little better.. so the info about the translation comes from there.. I'll paraphrase so as not to infringe on any copyright.

When I read the words BE STILL.. I am immediately reminded of Psalm 46:10 - 'Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.'



The premise of the verse has been debated as to whether or not it is a call to meditate/pray/etc on God.. or if it's something else... something different.

After reading the Hebrew information it becomes clear that the verse isn't so much about meditation as it is the MEDIATION of God in our lives.

The command to 'Be Still' comes from the Hebrew - Hiphil stem of the verb rapha. Rapha is an interesting verb, because in english verbs denote 'action' but in this case the meaning is to be weak, to let go, to release.. and so the pure translation of 'Be Still' might better be translated as 'Let go', 'Humble yourself', 'Be weak before God'... and this furthers my earlier devotion today about the pitfalls of pride in those who stand for their marriages, looking at themselves as better or superior in the eyes of others and God, rather than humbling themselves and working on our BS stuff first.

But in the end, why are we commanded often in the Bible to Be Still, let go, surrender and what many of us struggle with.. to die to ourselves. The Hebrew grammar places emphasis in this verse on the imperative to Be Still, and then KNOW becomes the second imperative. In other words, we MUST surrender ourselves to God in order for Him to fully take control and reveal His blessings in our lives. He is Ribbono Shel Olam - the master of the universe.. we must give up trusting in ourselves and our own designs in order to experience God's power in our lives.. (reference: Exodus 14:14)



I hope and pray that this helps someone..
Just be still means you're dead in the water and open to a full broadside.

Hoist up your sails, raise the Jolly Roger and open all gun ports.

If you are going to go to the bottom burning, leave evidence that you didn't go down without a fight.

You don't have to go on the offenseve, but always be ready to strike back with overwhelming prejudice.
Originally Posted by Jamesus
Ok.. this very thread has contributed quite a bit to the peace that I have managed to scratch out for myself in the year that I have been struggling with my lovely and otherwise very intelligent wife's betrayal and destruction of my family.

I've been trying to find a way to give back along the way and find myself increasingly posting hope to others who find themselves in this terrible situation.

I found something in my devotional 'internet browsing' today from a website designed to help Christians understand Hebrew a little better.. so the info about the translation comes from there.. I'll paraphrase so as not to infringe on any copyright.

When I read the words BE STILL.. I am immediately reminded of Psalm 46:10 - 'Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.'



The premise of the verse has been debated as to whether or not it is a call to meditate/pray/etc on God.. or if it's something else... something different.

After reading the Hebrew information it becomes clear that the verse isn't so much about meditation as it is the MEDIATION of God in our lives.

The command to 'Be Still' comes from the Hebrew - Hiphil stem of the verb rapha. Rapha is an interesting verb, because in english verbs denote 'action' but in this case the meaning is to be weak, to let go, to release.. and so the pure translation of 'Be Still' might better be translated as 'Let go', 'Humble yourself', 'Be weak before God'... and this furthers my earlier devotion today about the pitfalls of pride in those who stand for their marriages, looking at themselves as better or superior in the eyes of others and God, rather than humbling themselves and working on our BS stuff first.

But in the end, why are we commanded often in the Bible to Be Still, let go, surrender and what many of us struggle with.. to die to ourselves. The Hebrew grammar places emphasis in this verse on the imperative to Be Still, and then KNOW becomes the second imperative. In other words, we MUST surrender ourselves to God in order for Him to fully take control and reveal His blessings in our lives. He is Ribbono Shel Olam - the master of the universe.. we must give up trusting in ourselves and our own designs in order to experience God's power in our lives.. (reference: Exodus 14:14)



I hope and pray that this helps someone..

James this is an awesome post. Thank you so much.


it means you're going down to meet davey jones locker....


arrrhhggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh grin

just be still...

means don't spend a second worrying or obsessing about what an active WS is doing or thinking....not doing not thinking
don't try to figure them out.....
wasted time

keep the helm steady
and your eye on the horizon...one eye needs a patch though....

and the rest be dayumed.....


arkie who is well...
hmmmm
an ark....

bring on da pirates....


And another Bump to the top for those who haven't read this....
Bumping my favorite thread of all...

Newies, this one is especially important for you all to read and digest....I found it helped me through some of my darkest times....

not2fun
bump
Originally Posted by ark^^
Some of the most painful posts to read here ....is the confusion and turmoil of betrayed spouses....

those post D-day days weeks and sadly months in which so many things are left unanswered, unaddressed and emtpy...

be still.....

In our turmoil and chaos and the gnawing need to fix and address.....bs bring into their hearts more pain and crisis....

be still...

There was once a saying I read somewhere that went something like to really ever understand someone else we must crawl inside of them and feel the gentle beat of their heart....

easier probably for a BS to move a mountain than to grasp and work from that realm....

but be still...
each moment of stillness you can buy grab or gobble is a moment in which you are free from the pain and free from the fear..

fear of doing the wrong thing
fear of saying the wrong thing...

the goal is not marriage rebuilding at any cost...
the goal is guiding yourself to a place of stillness...no matter the outcome....

the anatomy of a WS is that they changed and molded their own thought processes so that they could engage in a affair....

they did this....
they did this....over time and in a way in which they can barely see the reality of this...but they did do it...

be still

it takes time.....

too many posts are from BS with unrealistic EXPECTATIONS which will harm you...

it is unrealistic to think that the thought processes needed to engage in such vile actions....vanishes over night

working through affair issues takes time...gobs and gobs of it...
and if you find yourself standing in a place of demanding change and specified responses, introspection, apologies, and instant change...

be still

for you are causing more grief that you need to burdon....

they did this...and they must undo this...

will they?
the truth is we don't know..
but to ever be a whole person again they darn well better...otherwise they carry their chaos on and on..and in the end no BS needs to burdon that.....

WS, though hard to see when they have used you as a weapon are very very damaged inside.....

they can not face that damage...and since that damage is YOU the BS...they often can not face you..

so they continue to waffle and wallow in the path that brought them to this place...

the way of rationalizing and justifying downright no two ways about it dispicable behavior acts....

force them to the face and process at once..
they will withdrawal
they will deny
they will retaliate

or even worse they will self destruct themselves....

be still....

don't force responses and actions and answers...be still and know that their non-responses , non actions and non answers ARE their answers....and you can hold them accountable to that

be still
and then make your moves....

ARK^^

I was struggling today thinking about how the weekend was coming and not running into H and get maybe my needed fix and saw this old sitch come up. Timing could not have been better. Take a deep breath all of us BS and read these words. I know it helped me today. pray
jayne241....thank you for bumping this today.

It's doing me some good. I'll have to keep reading it when I'm having another bad day.

Bump
Apply when needed...... grin
Thank you ARK
Is Ark still lurking these days? I miss these wonderful posts!
I needed that post so desperately. Although I am doing so much better, I need to be still. I still tend to focus on WH and OW. I'm in plan B but I stray with my thoughts and going by the OW's' house. I need to "let go"....I am still praying for miracles though.
bumpity bump....
bumpin' for meggin, too........
This was exactly what I needed to hear this morning.

Be still...
Thank you, wildhorses! I will be still. I will also print this out so I can read it when my heart tries to overrule common sense.
stuck and meggin,

Our minds can create such chaos and turmoil when it is unsure what decisions to make and actions to take.

We need to remind ourselves to take a moment to breathe and just be still - even if only for a few moments.

Often times, I felt I had kicked into a life or death reaction - as if what was happening was to that magnitude.

Know that no matter what happens with your wayward. YOU will be okay. You will not die if you make a decision that doesn't turn out as you expected.

Your life will be different, that's for sure. Mine is much better without my wayward. It could have been great with him, but he chose otherwise.

Your outcomes with your wayward are yet to come. Know that they do not define you and they do not decide on what your life will be. YOU do.
*BUMP*

for ALL Betrayed Spouses...Wise words indeed

THANK YOU NESRE for the thread

(((BS)))

we are definately driven by fear and our mind reacts as if it were a life or death matter.
My fear is to be alone for the rest of my life....but i m not alone...it is all mind made. sure I am no longer with WH, but there are so many people who care about me and love me...surely more than WH ever will or had...
Great post..and great thread!
blessing
wow, this brought tears to my eyes.
Perfect words for me right now, so thank you. I also feel in a panic like every decision needs to happen now, yet I'm afraid to make a decision.

Today, I will just be. and be okay with that.
BUMP for betrayed spouses needing strength!
Bump
This will always be one of my FAVORITE posts.
GREAT post!
Thanks for this beautiful message. I really needed to hear it! Now, to put it into practice, that's the next step... But thanks.
bump
bump, for jah and myself, both struggling with wanting to break plan B and contact our WS with our anger
Thank you Ark for taking the time to start this. Look how it is helping so many years later.

I dont know HOW to be still. Doesn't that sound crazy? I don't know what to do with all the pain that I have, the worry that I have. I try to give it to God, but within no time at all, I have taken it back. I know I can't do this without God, but I don't know HOW to give it to Him, let him KEEP it or to be still. I have not had peace for sooooo long, that I don't think I will ever have it again.
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