When this technique is used on someone, he or she may initially become frustrated that one is being told his or her memory or perceptions do not match reality. However, after a while, the individual beings to believe the gaslighter. He or she may start to believe that he or she is imagining things, has some kind of mental illness, or has a faulty memory. When one doubts his or her perceptions of reality, the gaslighter is able to control that person; he or she becomes completely dependent on the gaslighter for the "truth".
This is a PERFECT description of what happens.
In an A, especially if gaslighting has not been a completely normal technique of controlling the BS, I believe the effect of the gaslighting is one of THE biggest obstacles to recovery.
The FWS works VERY hard during the A to convince the BS that they are crazy, imagining things, there is no affair, they are telling the truth, etc. And they are FURIOUS that the BS will not believe them.
Then the truth comes out and the BS realizes they were NOT crazy and that they were RIGHT and that their perceptions were CORRECT.
Then AFTER the A, the BS desperately WANTS to believe that the FWS is telling the truth and that the A is really over. And the FWS ENCOURAGES such beliefs.
But because the FWS did SUCH a great job of convincing the BS that their perceptions were WRONG and CRAZY and that they don't know what is REALITY, the BS believes it, and the FWS is now mad that the BS will no longer believe them!!!
The very thing they were working SO HARD to achieve during the A has now become one of the biggest obstacles to recovery. The FWS WANTED the BS to believe they could not trust their perceptions DURING the A, but AFTER the A, the FWS WANTS the BS to try to believe the perceptions that have now been so corrupted from the gaslighting.
Add to this mess a 10 month false recovery, and you have...well, you have me.
It is one of the scariest things I have ever had to face...no longer having trust in my H, or myself. It is incredibly hard and confusing to try to learn to trust your spouse AND your own perceptions, after an A. It really does make you feel like you are crazy.
I do not throw the term "abuse" around lightly, but this is a true form of abuse. Nothing is worse than being made to feel like you are crazy. You really do start to believe it, and to try to reverse that is no easy task.
I hope this helps some BSs to know they are not alone, and some FWSs to understand how incredibly serious this part of A recovery this is.