I don't recall there being one thread specifically discussing the need to DOCUMENT activities of one's WS (or the OP for that matter)

I'd like to begin by inviting everyone to add their own pearls of wisdom about how to DOCUMENT effectively.

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copied from another thread:
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And keep a journal of all activity - starting today.
Make daily (dated) entries of any and all WH contacts.

in person
phone
text
etc, whatever

also make a log of people who you told:
"I had to cut off contact with WH because he physically attacked me during several arguements about his adultery."

Like this: ~~~> "Today our school principal asked how I was and I answered; "I had to cut off contact with WH because he physically attacked me during several arguements about his adultery."

Journal EVERYTHING. Just the facts. No feelings or assumptions about WH's motives.

Like this: ~~~> "Today April 3, WH sent a text saying: "You bi-ch, you will pay for this." I did not reply."

NOT like this: ~~~> "Today April 3, WH sent me a nasty text. Why is he so mean?"

See the difference?
DOCUMENT
DOCUMENT
DOCUMENT

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copied from another thread (written by Chrysalis)
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A little hint about documenting that I have not previously seen on this site.

Use a book that cannot easily be tampered with. For instance, do not use a loose leaf notebook with pages that can be added or subtracted.

Use a spiral notebook or a bound blank book or a student essay book. Date every entry as you write it.

Your writing should be just as it is, with mistakes, different pens, bad grammar, whatever.....

Just keep a daily record in a book that isn't subject to tampering.

That way no one will be able to easily accuse you of adding facts later. You might also note other significant events of the day, such as stock market crashes, bad weather, family birthdays-- things that document that an event happened on the exact day you said it did.

Do not make this a journal about your anger over your spouse's adultery. Just facts.

Write in INK !

Keep the documents in a safe, secure place that your WS does not have access to.

This is so important. The original tired looking book with original entries holds more validity in a judge's hands than a typed, neat and tidy copy.

Photocopy (2 sets) the originals at intervals, and keep them safe with trusted friends. Each knowing who has a copy.

Document facts regarding the children. eg. H/W supposed to have DD/DS this whole weekend, never did show up and no phone call.

Mortarman is a walking testimony to documentation. It put him in the catbirds seat both from a legal and marriage building point of view.

I don't know how to post links, but he has stressed this to many BS in his posts.

Put the WS's comments IN QUOTATION marks.

Like this ~~~> WH said: "I think you are crazy."

NOT like this ~~~> WH accused me of being crazy.

Is it OK to keep journal on computer instead of notebook? I tried the notebook, but would go a few days and then forget. This may have been due to the fact that I was journaling at home and needed to keep it hidden from the kids. Now I journal at work first thing each morning.

Needs to be admissible in court.

Make copies also of:

* pertinent cell and landline phone bills

* pertinent credit card statements

* financial year ends for past 2-3 yrs

* any M agreements

* any pertinent WS handwritings, like little secret notes that you find

Keep them with the copies of journal

What do you mean by M agreements? I have several things WH wrote and signed during each false recovery. One is handwritten that he would pay for everything. One is the no contact letter to OW stating that he would never D me. One is an agreement he, I and the kids signed stating that he would end the A and commit to the family.

He broke every one of the above promises. He filed for D and I just got notice today of first court day for May.

Heck, I'd copy them all ... you just don't know what might disappear that you wished hadn't.

Somebody say document??

Since dec 08 I have journaled 99% of everything that happens in my life/house/family.

Electronic is the way to go.....
I use an iPhone. Emails to teachers, daily journals, pictures of kids, grocery lists, WW car not in driveway. I installed facebook mobile. Took kids on numerous trips into the city...snap a pic with phone....upload instant to facebook.

I email everything everyday to myself (gmail). 1 copy stays on my phone and 1 copy stays online forever!

Keylog your home PC. It's not illegal because it's mine! You would be amazed at the things WS upload! Pics of themselves and AP....you get the idea.

When I filed for temp custody my attorney asked me for every incident WW was gone. I asked "how far back?"....nov 1st was her answer...no sweat....I forwarded approx 25 entries from nov 1 till jan 17th....took about 15mins.

If you journal using a computer, I suggest that you use the feature in Word called "track changes". When you print or save to a CD, it will have every change to that document highlighted, and can be printed out/viewed.

That's what we did, and it was accepted by the judge as well as the social worker who did the home studies.

Just read through this thread -- is this encouraged in fault states or for custody?
I've journaled and have copies of some of his emails to OW, etc and some phone bill records, but would I even need them in a no-fault state?

I'm in Oregon (no-fault) and no one was interested in the documentation I kept, it had no bearing. It might having bearing in a custody hearing though if you have children...

yea i'm pretty sure logs don't work in no fault states

i made mine for personal reasons

Oh hell I wish I'd have thought of doing this! I'd have helped me keep her crazy-making straight! I'm going to start now.

bump

Remember, "when in doubt, write it out."

You never know when it's gonna be that extra nudge in your favor.

And we are a "no fault" state...and the lawyer I spoke to encouraged me to do this.

Bump for newbies and any additional great advice about how to effectivly:

DOCUMENT

DOCUMENT

DOCUMENT

This is really great advice. I document all interaction with W. I live in a no-fault state (CA), but I do this to ensure that I can go back and revisit conversations. (As a matter of fact, updating my log is what I was doing this morning when I happened to glance at this thread!)

Plus, when W tries to rewrite history or deny comments that she made, I have my journal and don't have to question/challenge my own memory.

It's on my laptop because that's where it's safest.

TB

Straight after D-day my sister advised me to keep a journal for my only emotional sanity. It certainly has helped me along the way and I am sure that it will be useful in the future when WS decides he wants to be with me but will deny having said some things (as I know he will).

I have thought of typing it up but frankly, there is too much and I don't have the time. But, I never thought from the security aspect to photocopy the pages. I will be doing that tomorrow and will keep them in my locked drawer at work.

That's the main reason I document stuff as well.

Of course, my FWW tells me that what I wrote in my journal is only my interpretation of what happened, and not what actually happened (including comments that I heard her make at the time)...

Thanks for this thread. I am in a no-fault state and I asked lawyer if A had any bearing on custody and lawyer said "no". So what is the purpose of documenting in a no-fault state?

bump

I live in a no fault state too. What can I do to help myself and the kids when this D happens?

I have given thought to post-nuptials as a possible means for his attempt at R, me willingly participating. Good idea, bad idea?

Anything those of us in a no fault state can do to help our situations any?

Documentation still helps in a no fault state. My state is one of the easiest to get a divorce in - six month waiting period, no questions asked. Some other great learnings from the last 15 months:

1. Court documents are your best documents. Some of the most damaging pieces of evidence came from exWW's court filings. For example, she had petitioned the court for an attorney in the June Protection Order Hearing. In it, she said she has a medical condition that prevents her from thinking clearly when under stress. Guess what my attorney attacked during the custody hearing?

2. I strongly advise anyone to get Google Voice. It will record conversations, create transcripts of conversations, create transcripts of voicemails

3. Downloadable Voice Recorder. Cost me $40, may win custody for me. It already beat two Protection Orders and has destroyed exWW's credibility in court.

4. Keep any important interaction in email format

5. When adultry can come into play is in alimony and division of assets. In my state, alimony is terminated once the recipient cohabitates. In my case, the exWW moved her boyfriend in the day after separation. We are going to trial for alimony soon so all of my efforts are around proving the cohabitation

6. Look for changes in spending patterns. In my case, exWW's credit card statements have a ton of purchases at liquor stores and cigarrette places. I'm in the process of doing a spending analysis of our liquor store spending prior and post separation. Also, look at food spending. One pattern I noticed in discovery was after the first month or so of me living in the apartment, our combined food bills were overall about 25% higher than prior to the separation and with her paying about 65% and me paying 35%.

This is showing either she's eating filet mignon every night or, is supporting another person. Our food bills should have me paying a little more since we have 50/50 custody, I weigh 220, she weighs 105.

If you can show cohabitation / spending money on the mistress / paramour while at the same time not supporting your family, it can come into play.

Man psub, your as sharp as a tack. You should write a manual. "Protecting yourself in divorce for dummies"

bump

Also record EVERYTHING.

It could save your life.

I live in a no fault country and I still logged everything. Text messages with time, date, content and what cell it came from. Every IM, every email, a transcript of phone calls and visits.

I owned a business with my H and I needed that level of protection as I still had to get his go ahead on spending and since he would never actually put it in writing I needed the rest to show intent.

I also took photo graphs of his living quarters when I stayed with him, visits he had with me, and family holiday photo's to slow down the separation procedures as the lawyer told me that if I could prove we were together in a 'marital type setting', the separation clock started again.

B.U.M.P.

BUMP

I have something to add that many on this thread are missing.

For custody purposes, don't just concentrate on documenting everything your WS does, concentrate on EVERYTHING that YOU do for the children. Important activities to note:

Doctor/dentist visits
School activities
School drop off/pickup
Extracurricular activities
Sports and recreation
Church activities
Trips and travel

In no-fault states, adultery carries very little to no weight. What does sway the judge is documentation of what a good parent you are, not trying to show what an evil person your spouse is.

Patterns of behavior sway the court, not incidents or anecdotes. You will be quickly ignored if come at the court with stories of "what WS did three weeks ago". Documented lists of your involvement with the children over months or years will be viewed favorably.

A hand written journal with dates is the best way to do it. From the journal you can then compile lists or even charts that show patterns of good parenting. These are much better to present in court, but you always need the journal itself to cite as the source. Bank records are also a good way of verifying these lists.

But remember, the goal is to prove what a good parent you are and who is the primary care giver, not to show what a rat the WS is.

I kept on a calendar of all of DD sport events, doctors, dentists, every appointment related to her.

In mediation, I asked for $$ to be put aside to buy DD a car and XH was protesting and I pulled out the calendar and asked the mediator to ask XH how many of these appointments did he take DD to? Mediator came back and XH agreed to $$ for car. (Of course I am going to court tomorrow still trying to get that money).

Another documentation that I used is I found XH apartment on Craigs list knowing he had moved in with PP. He had on his financials that he was paying $$ for apartment. I took out the ad with the landlord phone # and said he had moved out 2 months before and the landlord would verify.

Changed his financial debt ratio to put more on my side of the table.

Good thread.

Schoop & Hope3343
Thanks for sharing valuable information !

Good to know.

Documentation was the cornerstone on the pyramid that enabled us to gain custody of the OCs.

After spending two years going through divorce proceedings in CA, and being pro per (no attorney), I've found that judges really don't care for he said she said type of statements. Make your point and move on to the next point. Don't get riled up because your soon to be X tells a lie to the court, let them finish whatever they are telling the judge.

Judges in CA have very full dockets. Don't waste their time. I would suggest that you go in to court with a Plan C(ourt). Sit down and figure out exactly what you want to get out of this court. Plan your case accordingly.

If you are going to go pro per then by all means go to the court before your trial date and sit in their watching everything that happens. I found it to be quite instructive. Also remember that you will not have the same privileges as the attorneys. At my local superior court you are not allowed to enter the court if you are not on the docket until after first break.

The thing that I did is just watched all the players, involved. I would highly recommend visiting the court even if you have an attorney. You are going to be nervous. Visiting will help with the stage freight.

Go to court prepared. Pen, pencil, and notebook is a must have. When at the table facing the judge. Take notes on a consistent basis. Even if those notes include finishing off your drawing of mickey mouse.

Do not make faces or show emotion to your soon to be X. Oh except it is always good that when your attorney leans down to say something to you that you chuckle just a little bit after.

Divorce cases are notorious for being continued. Don't be surprised if nothing gets done that day. The first, second, or third time you go to court.

Always take someone to chat with when you are outside the courtroom. If this is not possible get a good book to read. Every time I have gone to court, I was bored. Brought pencils and paper, books, and puzzles.

One last thing NEVER talk over the judge. Always let him finish whatever he is saying. I know you are nervous and the soon to be X is lying and your now angry, You just got to say something. DON'T! Just finish your mickey mouse drawing or write a quick bullet point that soon to be X is lying. To be honest the judge probably doesn't care because it isn't germane to the discovery that the judge or attorneys are trying to get through.

Hope this helps.

BUMP

BUMP

bump

Have learned a lot about documenting by trial and error but in the end my atty has told me my documentation is "excellent" so here are some tips:

~ Once I moved to Plan D and started getting the documentation organized, dealing with the texts were a nightmare. STBX sent so many texts (learned this after the fact) that my IM went over on her plan a couple of months and even had to start erasing some due to not having enough memory on her phone. They are harder to save, print, transfer, catalog. Having your IM use a designated email account for communications with WS is much much better.

Speaking of that designated email account, I have a couple different email accounts and gmail seems to be the easiest and there's no limit in how far back you can access the emails - so that's the one I would recommend to setup for your IM.

~ An MBer who has been through Plan D told me to document an event by writing it in an email to yourself. It will have the date and time stamped on it. Create a special folder in your email program to save these emails. I have also documented events by outlining what happened to the atty and putting into the same folder. She said this is also considered documentation (thought it might not be useable due to atty/client privilege but she said its OK).

~ Calendar recording visitation with the WS...I print off the visitation calendar twice, showing the "scheduled" visitations, stapling them together. I document on the first page basic information, if there was a cancellation, change made, the time they were dropped off, etc. On the second page, I use the same date for annotations. Ex) DD said STBX and OW fighting, see email to atty dated 3/18. I had to create a timeline of all the changes STBX has made for my lawyer and using this setup made it very easy.

~ Legal accordion folder, get one of these early on and just start filing things away. I have everything from financial records, timelines, court documents, copies of letters from STBX's lawyer to my lawyer, visitation records all in here. I have taken this to court and to lawyers' meetings and whipped out documents w/n seconds. Not to mention, it helps to calm your nerves to feel prepared.

~ Lawyers...another MBer who has been through D told me to do this, and I didn't follow through and am kicking myself now. Keep a log of all phone calls, meetings (length of time), emails, etc to compare to billing later. Her example was that her atty kept her waiting 20 mins at his office or something but then later charged her for that time which she, of course, disputed. I just got a lengthy bill and wish I had kept the log so that it would be easier for me to verify each line item...

~ iPhone & other apps/tools
Can't speak to other smartphones/apps but these together have just made my life very easy re documentation & preparing for court. If you take pictures (like of WS's car at OP's house), you can upload them to the Photobucket app, and it will have the time stamp on it and will save your picture in a third party location so that you don't have to worry about it being accidentally deleted. You can also do this with screenshots of things like FB postings or texting threads (you do this by pressing the home button and the wake button at the same time) I have done this with texts between my DD and myself when she is complaining about something going on with her father and OW.

I am madly in love with my HP wireless printer! How did I live without this? You can wireless print EVERYTHING (document, emails, pictures, texts) from your iPhone. I have the model that is also a fax & copy machine but I believe you can get some models without these extras in the low 100 range.

CamScanner is a nice app as well, it basically turns your iPhone into a scanner by taking a picture of a document and adjusting the light levels and converting into a PDF format.

HTH!!

Some Q-tips !!!

For iPhone, iPad and iMac users....

Just started using an app that I am crazy about, Day One journal. I am using it now to document everything that happens with my ex and his OW4 with their visitations with the kids.

It is basically a Facebook-like platform for journaling/documenting with a timeline and calendar view. You can attach pictures, sync through Dropbox, print entries, add links, export entries out through email (good if you want an official time stamp). It is very easy to use.

That's GREAT Sus.

bump

Not only did I document everything, but I also held onto my WW's passport and the children's passports.

She was having an affair with a guy overseas, and I didn't want her to flee there with the children.

Boy, when she found out I had her passport, her wayward head nearly exploded

This comment was made on another thread by a BH in response to posters asking he had documented incident/s regarding his WW and their child:



This lawyer addresses ramifications of actions by divorcing parents even in "no fault" states with regards to custody (go to link to see full video):



Read more: http://www.myfoxla.com/story/218229...bfore-the-divorce-is-final#ixzz2PF6SYWMS

Good bump.

In Plan B you need to change your number so you don't get text messages. Your IM can save all messages they get.