Not sure if this is the right area to post. My husband and I have been married almost 19 years. About twelve years ago I had a couple of affairs. One was a one-night stand that lasted a weekend while he was out of town on business. The other was more serious and lasted for a few months before my husband stumbled on an AOL email in the trash bin. It took us a few years (without counseling bcz we didn't know better), but we managed to stick together. Looking back, we did a lot of things that MB suggests - and we had no idea as we muddled through it all. At first, we stayed together for the kids, and over time, I think our marriage evolved past staying together just for the kids. I make sure to have 100% transparency, and I am completely devoted to my husband and family. I have no urge to have an affair ever again, and I go out of my way to give him security.
The only real problem is when he triggers on something - usually once every other year it seems - maybe not even that frequent. He insists on quizzing me of the details of my affairs. I am guilty of not coming 100% clean with him. I am vague, and I minimize the gory details as much as I can. The first problem I have is that I don't exactly remember everything like I did 12 years ago, yet he does. The other issue I have is that he wants detail to the point of being explicit and graphic. This is where I draw the line and where he gets angry with me. I don't mind telling him where we did it or even how often. I just don't think it will help him or me to talk about anything past that. The way he asks the questions and the nature of the questions is crass coming from him. He is not himself. It's like another person comes over him. If he catches me in a white lie, then he grudges me for days until it gradually blows over. He already has images in his mind, and I can't imagine how any more graphic detail would help our situation. We are great except for a handful of days every few years like now. Any suggestions?

Hi Janda,

It's the weekend, so traffic is light and the "heavyweights" have likely called it a day.

However, I can offer you some reading material here to help you until they arrive once again.

The first is "Overcoming resentment." Another is "Can't We Just Forgive and Forget." Finally, you might want to read about the "Four Rules to Guide Marital Recovery After an Affair." All of these are articles by Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr. The founder of Marriage Builders and this site.

The links to the right of the page, "Most Popular Links" will provide you with the information on the Basic Concepts of Marriage Builders and how MB can help you and your husband built a strong, loving marriage with unparalleled love and passion. But first you need to learn how to recover your marriage from your affairs, as they are still a gaping wound and are blocking full recovery.

The veterans will be along shortly. Read and learn, then read and learn some more.

This is a great place to be, and a great place to find answers.

You are in the right place Janda.
I second what fred said.

I'm only 1 year into my own marital recovery, therefore still very new at this, so I can't quite relate to your longer-term situation. However, it seems to me that a key to regaining trust is by being as open & honest about your past as you possibly can -- what the Harleys call "radical honesty."

In radical honesty, you don't get to choose what info you spill ... your spouse does. Early-on, a betrayed spouse can be unwilling to press for details b/c they're afraid of what they'll hear, and/or b/c they're afraid of driving the wayward spouse further away.

But the "gray area" will continue to gnaw at them. If you haven't filled up that space in his mind with factual info, then your husband is likely creating his OWN images, which may be even a degree or so worse than they actually were (which was bad enough, I'm sure).

He's stuck it out with you long enough for you to be able to trust him to stick around a little further. However (it seems to me anyway; I don't wish to over-assume) you are unwilling to trust him with the truth, and are rationalizing this as "protecting his feelings."

When I've discussed aspects of my affair with my wife, on occasion she's asked for details that I'd rather she not have known. However, the advice we got from our marriage counselor (which I believe to be sound, and consistent with advice that the Harleys give & which you'll find elsewhere on this forum) is that I had to be willing to be open. Sometimes if my wife wanted to know a particular detail, I would say to her "I'm just making sure: Are you sure you want to know this?" But if she answered "yes", then the rule was that I had to answer, truthfully.

I do not believe there is such a thing as TMI about an A. I agree with doing the readings suggested.

Three reasons why a WS lies about an A: 1) to avoid being in trouble 2) to protect the spouse from being hurt and 3) to keep the A alive in their head.

The last reason is one that did not appear in the book, but on a post here. Your H cannot trust you because you have not been truthful with him. You cannot recover a M without openness and honesty - merely suffer through time together.

AM

Janda

�The only real problem is when he triggers on something - usually once every other year it seems - maybe not even that frequent. He insists on quizzing me of the details of my affairs. I am guilty of not coming 100% clean with him. I am vague, and I minimize the gory details as much as I can. The first problem I have is that I don't exactly remember everything like I did 12 years ago, yet he does. The other issue I have is that he wants detail to the point of being explicit and graphic. This is where I draw the line�

The you have done well by owning that what you did and trying to make your BH feel safe.

However on the big picture you have failed to do enough.

One area can be in how you are trying to make your BH feel safe is not sufficient. What have you done in this area?

Next only the BH gets to determine how much detail he needs to know. Leaving out facts is lying. Lying by omission.

Your BH will never rest not knowing what he wants to know. You have experienced this for twelve years. This being lied to will never make this problem and the wedge between you go away.

I know what I speak of. Since 1981 I have been left in the dark on most of the story. My need to lessen has not reduced one bit after all this time. The wedge just goes deeper.

You have been able to put this story, the affair, behind you because you know everything. Having all the facts you were able to process what happen and close the book.

Your BH has been show a this book. Most of the pages are missing. He can�t make sense of all that took place. You broke his trust by doing not one but two OM. Then you say trust me you don�t need to know what is missing.

Your BH is staying married. Though he will never be able to move on without the truth.

If you find it to hard to answer questions face to face then write BH a timeline send it in an email to him. Then have him ask through email any questions he has.

Tell him you do not even remember a lot now. As you answer his questions if they cause you to remember more things you will add them to your time line story.

Example: WW does the OM in the marriage bed, car, sofa, let OM wear BH�s robe, wore BH�s favorite outfit when doing OM, used OM�s gifts after the affair was over for years. Or the case�s where the BH never got oral, and the OM got everything from A to Z.

How can a BH rest when they don�t know who the OM is?

How can the BH watch his back if the OM comes back fishing around to restart things up when they don�t know the OM identity?

How can the BH know if there is NC between the WW and OM?

By not knowing these things how is a BH to know if his own bed is safe for him to sleep in?

Tell your BH what he needs and wants to know.

You were able to do these deeds. Own up to them.

Not knowing, only causes fear. The unknown always causes fear.

Well, you are not a good judge of what will be "helpful" to him at all, HE IS. And he has a right to know each and every detail about your affairs since this is information about his life. This information was wrongfully and cruelly withheld from him.

He will remain STUCK until all the truth comes out.

So, if you want to ever recover from this, the first step is HONESTY. RADICAL HONESTY. Tell him everything about your affairs and stop lying to him. Recovery does not happen if it is based on more lies and deceit.

This will continue for the next 50 years, if you don't stop playing trickle truth games with your victim, Madam. You are making it impossible for him to recover. He has a right to KNOW IT ALL.

Here is an from Requirements for Recovery by Dr Willard Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders written to a betrayed spouse who was having NIGHTMARES because her H was being dishonest about his adultery:

here

I think I already do a lot what Dr. Harley suggests. He knows I had an affair with a coworker of mine. He got him fired (actually OM resigned ahead of being fired). We've worked through what made the affair possible for me. It's the details of the affair that make me cringe. I've told him the time-frame of the affair, the locations of the affair, and that we had sex. I told him that I gave myself to OM in every way possible and not just in a physical sense. That's not enough for him. To me that explains everything. He is not satisfied with this, and demands to know explicit details. I don't want to get too graphic, but here's an example. He doesn't just ask if I performed oral on the OM. He asks if I *&^$%& his *&*$. This line of questioning is the tip of the iceberg. He wants to know much more with graphic detail. This is where I have the greatest issue. I mean, he knows I was with the last OM for longer than three months. I think it is safe to assume we were sexual in a lot of ways. What good does it do for him to know body part dimensions or anything else that insignificant? I don't mind humiliating myself. It's not that. I love him, and I don't want to hurt him anymore. I just don't understand why he wants to beat himself up 12 years later with stuff I don't want to remember anymore.

My suggestion:

Tell BH that you will tell him every possible detail he asks for when you are in session with a pro-marriage counselor, like one from this site, for example.

That way, it will be useful instead of destructive.
Have BH keep a list of the questions he wants answered.

Janda, have you read Can't We Just Forgive and Forget? This discusses "Just Compensation," and how it important to not have "gaps" in the knowledge of the affair.

I also think your husband may be guilty of lovebusting. However, he is the aggrieved party, so there is a tricky balance here. The "how much" he's asking for seem to me to border on "disrespectful judgment." If you have told him the details and he insists on crudity and graphic detail, he may be angrier or more controlling than a healthy relationship should endure. Or if he continues to demand the same information repeatedly, he may be turning the tables and being abusive to you.

If you can, I'd get both "His Needs Her Needs" and "Love Busters," both by Dr. Harley. They are not difficult to read and go into much greater depth than the articles on this site (although the articles are way better than what other sites offer, IMO). Recovering your marriage does NOT mean you becoming his doormat. It means being equal partners, lovers, friends and companions. No marriage is healthy when one spouse holds sway over the other.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that perhaps your H wants to be assured that you didn't do anything sexually with the OM that you haven't done, or refuse to do, with him.

He may be thinking that holding information back is your way of continuing the romance of the affair.

Yes, I agree that this line of question is not healthy. I haven't been able to have a sit down with him where he asked questions and I answered them all. He asks me explicit, graphic questions that are above and beyond my admissions of having sex with OM. I have admitted the affair and being physical with OM. He knows the who, what, where, why & when. Anything after that does not seem like a positive, healthy way to strengthen our marriage especially given that this happened so many years ago. What good is it going to do him to know the explicit details of the sex acts themselves?

I guess you cannot control what your H needs to recover from your adultery.

I asked specific sex act questions.
Why?
Because if I did not ask, I would go nutz.

Janda, may I suggest you have this discussion with him? Try to do so without LoveBusting: no angry outbursts, no disrespectful judgments, no name-calling, innuendo, or agenda-driven motives.

For example, "Jerry, I really want to work on building the strongest possible marriage with you. This means answering your questions about my past behavior, and I think I have been extremely willing to reveal to you the details of my affair. I would like to ask you to think about your need to know the graphic details, since I have already admitted to you the fundamental details (where, when, how many times, etc.). If your need to know is truly blocking our recovery, please tell me how my telling you will help. "

If he has a legitimate need, based on some childhood trauma or or significant life event, then I think you should be willing to accommodate his need to know. On the other hand, if he fumbles and comes across as simply trying to be manipulative and controlling, then I submit you have deeper problems in your marriage, and should delve into them in counseling.

There is no such thing as a "white lie" where an affair is concerned (never mind TWO affairs).

My H wanted details too. This is going to sound ridiculous, but part of my problem is that I couldn't imgaine saying some of that stuff out loud. So I wrote down and wrote out what he wanted to know. H read it, clarified, and then discarded the paper. It was like a weight was lifted in some ways. Yes, it hurt to discuss/write details. But H finally knew what he needed to know and could then try to process and deal with it. My recommendation is to try to find some way to tell him what he needs to know.

janda

Your stone walling, justifying, reasoning, will never make his needs go away.

Hasn't the past twelve years not taught you anything. There have been BH's that still haunted by not knowing twenty years later.
I'm going on twenty nine years.

Keeping your BH in the dark has only caused long term problems in your marriage to continue after the affair.

It is your BH's right to know what went on with the OM. It is the BH's right to go to the level of detail that he needs.

You can offer to schedule one hour an evening for BH to ask you what ever questions for you to answer truthfully. For the first week you can do this tue, wed, thur. BH will need this time up front to go through his pent up needs.

Leave the weekends for living the present.

Then from the second week on you then select one of those previous three evenings do talk about what happened.

This way BH gets his answers, and you don't get hit every day with recalling the affair.

If you can't do it face to face then offer to do it by email. Even if you only share a computer an email acount.

Then tell as this dicussion unfolds it will most likely jog your memory and when you remember any thing new you will tell him about it.

What have you told your BH when he wants details?

Do you refuse to even say why you won't tell?

Do you tell him you do not remember?

Janda, having sex in an adulterous affair and lying about it is not healthy. You are not qualified in any way, shape or form to decide what level of detail is "healthy" for your victim. Only your victim can decide that FOR HIMSELF. He is the best judge of what HE needs to recover and you are OBLIGED to answer each and every question openly and honestly. The rapist is never qualified to determine what the rape victim needs for recovery.

Remember, this is information about HIS LIFE TOO. You don't get to decide what he needs to know. You are the last person who is qualified to determine that.

Honesty is the solution to infidelity, not more lies and deceit. Recovery is contingent upon HONESTY, not more deceit. All of his questions needs to be answered in order to recover.

As you can see, playing trickle truth GAMES with your H has greatly impeded the recovery of your marriage. And the longer you play mean little cat and mouse games with him the greater the risk that he will grow to hate you.

Janda, if you continue to lie and withhold details about your affair from him, I would strongly suggest that he divorce you on grounds of cruelty.

Can you please send him here to us so we can help him?

Its like Post Traumatic Stress. He is re-living the pain over and over. Its like a Flashback and hes there again for the first time.
There are methods and help for him to get over this in this program. If you read a little bit in the forums you can find other Men and women who deal with those "mind-movies".

Not remembering like you do is not helping him. I can guarantee you that coming from the viewpoint of a former BS.

In his head you are just not letting him know the details and are still lieing to him.
Get into couselling and the books the Harleys offer and send him to the forums here.

Be honest, do you really want your marriage to get better? Some ppl come here to alieviate their conscience. If you really want to work on this you wont take that personal.

Thanks for coming here

Can anyone find Joseph's letter and post it here?

It might help Janda understand where her BS has been all these years.

Janda, what your H has been imagining for almost 20 years is probably much worse than what really happened, and going that long without knowing has just escalated what he is imagining.

Why are you telling white lies after this long? You need some help with this.

Being open and honest is major for any kind of recovery from adultery.

Best wishes, I hope you can see your way clear to recover WITH your H.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

This is a classic letter ... applicable when your adulterous spouse is not willing to disclose the details of the affair ... but wants to recover the marriage ...

Here ya go!

"To Whomever,

"I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to "look" at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn't mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'm going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.

"You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you're carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the "STUFF" to figure out OUR reality. There isn't really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don't have.

"Now let's enter my reality. Let's both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever "feel" complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what's the difference, it's not important. Then later when I'm expected to "understand" the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can't just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.

"So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don't you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.

"So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn't come from jealousy, it doesn't come from spitefulness, and it doesn't come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn't it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn't it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can't and the reason I can't is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world."

(end of Joseph's Letter)

thanks mel!

hope this helps you understand janda, where your BH has been for a looooong time.

I also hope you are willing to do the hard work for recovery.

And by the way, I needed to know every last detail so there would be NO secrets between my FWH an myself. I wanted to make sure there was NOTHING that was secret between my H and ow.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Thanks for all of the advice. I am doing my best to not take things personally. I don't know if I have it in me to be so radically honest that I can relive the affair the way my H wants me to. The level of detail he wants is so explicit, and I know he won't take it well especially since I've kept it concealed after all these years. I think of all the ideas, I like the one where he writes the questions, and I can respond in writing. If I can get up the courage, that may be the route I take. Even so, I am afraid of some of the questions I know he will ask.

Janda, his RIGHT TO KNOW supercedes your fear or your discomfort. This is information about his life that has been wrongfully and cruelly withheld from him. Your fear does not negate your moral obligation to tell him the truth.

Your continued dishonesty, ie: trickle truth games, has only dragged out the recovery of your marriage. Your marriage will NEVER recover until you stop playing head games with your mouse. No honesty = no recovery. Period.

As long as you have secrets with your adultery partner that your husband is not privy to, he can NEVER trust you. And you should not be trusted until you tell him the truth.

100% agree.



You created this and only you can change it; otherwise this is going to continue (as you can see because you are here).


Reread this thread.

Gg

Okay, just told him if he could email me his questions that I would respond back with answers. I asked him to keep it clean, and he smiled back at me. I am hopeful and nervous to say the least.

Well, adultery is not "clean."

I hope you are committed to complete and radical honesty now for the sake of your husband. As you have discovered, most people can tell when a wayward is lying or skimming the truth.

I would get this all out in one huge document dump and get it over with. Just suck it up and spill your guts and be done with it. Otherwise, this sick little game will drag on for the next 3 years, if he lasts that long.

I had printed up a lot of posts from here and was putting together a whole package to give to my wife, bits of posts from here, and there and all over. It was disjointed though, no balance. I have explained to my wife what I need about her A's, but she talks pretty much as you do 'Janda'. Your husband may be wanting a bit more info than I require, but that is a personal choice of his.

Now I can toss all of the other stuff I found on here away and have her read this thread. 'Janda', you and your BH are EXACTLY where my wife and I are. Her A's were many years ago too, (about 21 yrs ago), although I only found about them 4 1/2 months ago...your husband has known about yours for 12 years, so that's where we differ, but other than that, your husband seems to feel as I do. And you seem to feel as my wife does.

All I can offer is I understand how your husband feels and I keep trying to explain to my wife why we need to sit down and get to business...NOW, so we are not doing this in 12 years, like you guys, or 'The Road'.

Just answer him, give him all he wants, it will hurt him, a lot. It could hurt him for a week, or a month, who knows, but at least it will all be in the open, then you guys can move forward. He will process the hurt and pain as best he can, then he will heal in due time. If you keep deflecting, you guys will be as, 'The Road' said, 29 years later, with it still screwing with his mind, and your marriage still not healthy.

Jada,

Right now I'm trying to contact OM and other witnesses, 20+ years ago my wife had an EA, I hope that is what it was, but I wasn't there. Neither was your H. My wife like you has expressed a desire to forget. The problem is I can't understand the current state of my marriage unless I know what happened then.

Specifically, and my wife has confirmed this, our sex life never came back to what it was before her EA. Small details bother me, for example about that time she first got hemroids,
perhaps it means nothing, but I really don't know. A stray comment about penis size 12 years ago.

My Wife however was there and knows what happened, but has not told me everything since details keep slipping out, like that it was going on for quite awhile before D-day, that one came out not too long ago.

Even if you have suppressed those memories they continue to have an effect on your marriage.

If I am able to prove PA, I'll be honest, I will need to know.

Q How many times did she orgasm, how many times per act, during what activities. ORGASM will be huge for me, and could spell the end of my marriage, even though we are now in a good
place and my wife is happy.

Q Did she swallow, and how much did he produce.

Q How long/wide circumsized etc.

Q Did she allow him to finish inside her.

Q Did she allow him to have anal.

Q Who else knew.

At times I really feel most of my wifes attraction for me was destroyed by the EA, and she stayed with me for reasons of security, finances, love and comfort.

God Bless
NJ

Hi and welcome Janda,

Don't take things too personally. Sometimes the advice and perspectives you read here will seem harsh or unreasonable, but they come from a place of wanting to jolt you into reality.

Let me assure you, your secrecy is far worse than the consequences of being honest. The great thing about honesty is that it enables the real healing and a better relationship. I would guess that you have issues relating to your lack of disclosure, and that after disclosure, as hard as it might be, you will eventually be in a much better place yourself, not to mention your partner.

I would also warn against prolonging the process by not having a honest conversation. It is kind of like removing a band-aid, better just to rip it off quickly as opposed to the slow painful peel.

Good luck. You can do it.

Janda,

Which is worse, the questions and the answers, or the betrayal of your marriage vows to the one you promised to honor, love and protect?

Janda,

I am in a similiar situation as your BH. My FWW's A ended 11 years ago and only revealed it to me Jan 09.

It is true that by asking questions that your H will finally have the truth. He will get answers that will reveal things that will in turn generate more questions. Round and round you go. It is the same merry-go-round that FWW and I are on.

What is the healthiest in my opinion, is not making him ask the questions. Just give him as many details as you remember. It will go a long way in rebuilding trust and honesty if you offer the truth, as opposed to offering only the truth as it relates to his questions.

Janda,

Thank you for posting it helps to see things through someone in my wifes situation. You wrote....

the level of detail he wants is so explicit, and I know he won't take it well especially since I've kept it concealed after all these years.

He already has not taken it well for 12 years!

And if he is like me, he has kept his pain concealed for years, as men we have no one to talk to about our wives straying, the stigma we feel is tremendous, an admission of failure as fathers, husbands, lovers and human beings. No outlet at all.

I think most women who have their husbands stray on them at least have some friends who have experienced it too.

He imagines that you and OM�s had, threesomes, went to sex clubs, used toys, did everything he never did with other women in his loyalty to you and his desire to remain faithful to his children.

One of my great fears, btw, is that my wife had the best sex of her life with OM, which is why she has never given me the complete story.

Even so, I am afraid of some of the questions I know he will ask.

The ones he asks himself once a day, but that you have known for years?

Are you reluctant to speak the truth because you have hid other OMs from him, perhaps When you were dating or engaged?

God Bless
NJ

Janda,

Ok, I think you are completely missing the point here.

1. Your H probably has movies playing in his mind that are far far worse than any details you can give him. They are graphic, they dirty, and they are painful. His imagination is very likely far more explicit that your affair was. He has lived with this for 12 years now? And you refuse to address his pain. If you do, the movies will change and the pain will be less.

2. It is clear that you don't trust your H's willingness to remain with you after two affairs. I suspect you know you would never be that strong, that good of heart, and certainly that forgiving, but he apparently has been. Don't you think he knows what gives? He knows you don't trust him which is ironic given what you have done. He needs validation that you actually love him enough to address his pain #1 and trust him enough to share your life with him.

3. What could you tell him that he has not imagined? What could you tell him that be worse than finding out that your W has chosen 2 men to cheat on him with and clearly found both better than him? What could be worse than knowing the women he loves lied and is still lying by omission? What could be more painful than to realize that your W was soooo attracted to OM that she is still protecting OM and herself over her own H?

4. He knows it will be hard for you to disclose the details, but he knows you had no trouble living them. He knows that this is a test and the longer you wait the more explicit the requests will be because the more his own imagination will play into this.

Janda, you think what he asked is embarassing. What he thinks is what you are not telling him is killing him and his love for you.

You need to stop protecting yourself and start protecting your H.

God Bless,

JL

janda

How are things going?

Offer to start by writing BH a time. When you are getting overwhelmed remember this is not a marathon.

That is an interesting take on it, the 'merry-go-round', questions could lead to other questions, (very likely will). Your solution is a good one, but it gets to what I was going to ask...honesty and believing.

My FWW has given me some details, but I am not sure if I believe her and that is the problem I have. If we sitdown for several Saturdays, or do email, or hand written Q&A's, will I believe her answers..? For instance she has said I am 'bigger' than the guys she was with, but I don't know if she is telling the truth...sucks man.

'JL', your posts strike right at the heart, even if your post is directed towards someone else, I feel it myself.

As someone said before, you should change your name because you're not 'Just learning' in your advise and comments.

Thank goodness I have work today. I need the space, and I am so tired. H gave me a list a mile long. It took me over an hour to answer. When I was finished, I left to do a little late night shopping at WalMart and give him some time to gather himself. Once I got home, we started talking. I had my keys still in my hand just in case. I wish I could say radical honesty solved everything, but it didn't. For every question I answered, he had three more. Making things worse, he didn't believe half of my answers. He didn't yell at me, but I could feel the contempt. We both got ready for sleep, and it made things much easier for me with the lights off.
He was stuck on the size issue. I answered honestly that it was average. He immediately wanted a comparison to him. As God as my witness, I have no idea how much bigger or smaller it was. It seemed the same to me. After going back and forth, I finally answered a little smaller and a little thicker. His breathing was off the charts, and he said okay and started asking more questions/clarifications.
Around 1am he asked if I wanted to have sex. That was the last thing on my mind. I could not fathom that after talking about all of this garbage that he wanted to do that. I felt drained and worn out after being interrogated, but I said okay. There was no passion or love in what he did. It was primal and aggressive.
After it was over, he started back into the questions. We were up talking past 4am when I finally fell asleep. When I got up for work, he asked me to call in sick so we could keep talking. I told him I had to go to work since we're already short-staffed because of the holiday. There's no way I was going to stay and be quizzed all day. As I was leaving to go to work, he asked for sex again. I was already going to be late to work, but I sensed he wasn't in a place to handle a 'no' answer. So, we did it again, and it was cold like the night before.
There's one other sticky detail that he is obsessing over that I don't feel comfortable discussing on here. Something I did with OM and not for H. It's something I do not like and will never like.
I realize I brought this all on myself, but I am not so sure this was the right thing to do. I've spent 12 years trying to forget my actions, and I almost resent having to relive it for my H.

�He was stuck on the size issue. I answered honestly that it was average.�

Vague answer.

�He immediately wanted a comparison to him. As God as my witness, I have no idea how much bigger or smaller it was. It seemed the same to me.�

How honest were you being?

�After going back and forth, I finally answered a little smaller and a little thicker.�

Again how honest were then?

First you say you don�t know then you say smaller thicker.

What is BH to believe?

If you truly could not answer, never make up an answer. Best response I just remember it not being anything to think it was anything to be embarrassed or brag about, so the best I can answer is average for now. Let me try to recollect and I will get back to you on this.

Now you where being honest, and showing you were not withholding. Then coming back on your own will help to rebuild trust.

�Around 1am he asked if I wanted to have sex�. As I was leaving to go to work, he asked for sex again. I was already going to be late to work, but I sensed he wasn't in a place to handle a 'no' answer.�

It�s called hysterical bonding, HB. BH�s need to reclaim what was his. HB can last up to six months.

�There's one other sticky detail that he is obsessing over that I don't feel comfortable discussing on here.�

I understand but remember you are anonymous here. Share what you want.

�Something I did with OM and not for H. It's something I do not like and will never like.�

Have you ever done this before you met BH?

Does BH know what this is?

Has BH asked for it in the past?

Does BH want it now?

�I realize I brought this all on myself, but I am not so sure this was the right thing to do. I've spent 12 years trying to forget my actions, and I almost resent having to relive it for my H.�

I understand the pain you are feeling now. Your BH has been locked in his own pain for twelve years time being left in the dark.

Tell BH no more all night questioning. You want to answer his questions freely. Not be interogated.

Was BH given a time line?

Now is the time to tell BH that he can email you questions any time he wants to and you will email an answer them as soon as you can. However you will not be able to function without sleep
so we need to set a affair talk schedule. One hour a night for the rest of this week thru thursday.

Then we need to take off for the weekends. Then we can resume face to face tue thru thur evenings for an hour each evening.

If there is something that can't wait send me an email. I will reply back.

It most certainly was the right thing to do. Lying to your spouse about the details of your affair is never the right thing to do. You have no reason to "resent" making amends to your victim by telling him the much overdue TRUTH about what you did to him. You resent making your wrongs right? If you "resent" telling the truth to your victim, then he needs to know that is your attitude because you are not a safe person. If I were your husband, the marriage would be OVER after 12 years of lies and adultery. You are even lucky to have a man who would tolerate that, because most won't. No one is worth that kind of abuse.

That is a dangerous attitude that should tell anyone who is harmed by you that you don't have what it takes to make that right.

The self pity is extremely inappropriate in view of what you have done to him. Your "discomfort" is irrelevant compared to the hell you have put this man through........for years.

Instead of focusing on your "pain" how about focusing on the pain of your victim? You volunteered for this, after all, he did not. Why not try to help EASE his pain, instead of selfishly focusing on yourself?

If you had manned up and told him the truth a long time ago, instead of playing trickle truth, you wouldn't be going through all this today. Your conflict avoidance has hurt your husband greatly, but you brought this all on yourself.

So, why did you do it for the OM then? Your H is going to feel incredibly slighted that you chose to do something with the OM in SF that you're choosing not to do with him. Unfortunately, I'm not sure how to best advise you to deal with this.

Your H's response is what I would have expected, given your situation. Seeing that he believes you've been keeping the truth from him for so many years, it's hardly surprising that he thinks you're still not telling the truth now.

BTW, my FWW, bless her heart, was quick to say that the OM was a "bigger" (in fact, that was the first thing she mentioned), and the sex laster a lot longer with the OM than with me. As you can imagine, that went down very well with me . She didn't 'fess up to doing anything with the OM that she hasn't done with me though, and vehemently says that she didn't. After all that, we're still together, 4+ years after D-Day. We still have our issues, but they're mainly due to other reasons.

Janda, here is what Dr Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders says about the crime of adultery. And keep in mind that you have compounded this crime against your husband by LYING for years. 12 years of lying and dishonesty is an enormous crime to overcome, yet your only concern is yourself. Amazing. Your posts indicate that you are oblivous to the trauma you have inflicted on this man:


How to Survive Infidelity

Janda,

There's one other sticky detail that he is obsessing over that I don't feel comfortable discussing on here. Something I did with OM and not for H. It's something I do not like and will never like

No doubt anal, that bothers me about my wifes "EA", since it would represent the giving to OM of her second virginity. I get the feeling that she rationalizes that it wasn't sex.

The other problem I have is that she offered it to me when we were first dating and she was madly in love with me, but since then has not. So it is sort of an indication of intense love and surrender.

God Bless
NJ

J, you can expect that H will be hurt with these details. My H was, but it was still absolutely the right thing to do. I believe that once the fresh hurt began to fade, it was a turning point for us, because all those horrible questions that had plagues him had been answered. It did re-open some wounds I suppose, but sometimes when I wound heals improperly an becomes infected, it HAS to be re-opened.

There were times after out D-day when SF was more agressive (never abusive), but I sensed the desperation on H's part. I honestly cannot imagine what he must have felt as a BS and a man. As far as that one issue you don't feel comfortable talking about, I would just keep being honest. I don't know where the line is with regards to SF, WS's and BS's when it comes to that. SF is pretty intimate, so anything we do or don't do can have lasting effects on the relationship.

Keep being honest. And I like the relationship talk schedule. I know I couldn't stay up until all hours night after night and still be a good teacher every day. So for practical reasons sleep is important.

Well, my fwxw doesn't really even care that much for SF. My first wife and I, thats all we did was SF anyway and every way. Before I got married the second time, I consulted my BF(s)F and ask them if they thought I could stay faithful w/ the limited SF. When my fwxw confessed her A, I was like, huh? Especially that it went PA. and he was way older than me. The first thing she said was how small he was. So, I'm thinking, WTF is going on here. The more details I heard, the lamer it sounded. BUT, it still went PA, so I was pissed, even if he had to tape a popsickle stick to it to make it work. Its still adultery. Anyway, Bigger/Smaller, details, it doesnt matter. Its all MADNESS, pure MADNESS...DUDE

"my fwxw doesn't really even care that much for SF. My first wife and I, thats all we did was SF anyway and every way. Before I got married the second time, I consulted my....."

What's to consult.

Why marry someone with a totally different sex drive?

WW was not the first WW to not want much SF from BH then goes and finds an OM to pick up some of her available slot time.

I don't know, I didn't think it was THAT important, I guess. Also, her other positives countered balanced this draw back. Marriage is one BIG f'n compromise. DUDE

Maybe I'm just tired or need thicker skin, but I am starting to feel offended by some responses in here. I think I am allowed to have feelings right now in spite of the mistakes I made so many years ago.

The Road - Thanks for your candid response. It makes a lot of sense to me. My H pressured me into answering him. He demanded an answer to the size question. I told him I really wasn't sure. It's not a memory thing either. If he would have asked me 12 years ago, I don't think my answer would be much different. It wasn't memorable. Still, he literally wanted measurements in inches. I finally gave him an answer which I am not 100% sure about because he wouldn't let it go. "If you did such and such to him X number of times, how can you not remember the size?" "Where was your hand in relation to him?" Etc.
Also, thanks for the tip on Hysterical Bonding. I had no idea, but that also makes a lot of sense. It's so unlike him.

lurioosi2
Thanks for your input and sensitivity. I was hoping to hear from someone who's gone through this experience successfully. I will try to set up a schedule for him, although I have my doubts he's going to agree to a schedule.

I think he will regret wanting THAT MUCH DETAIL. Whats so offensive? DId I miss something? DUDE

"I finally gave him an answer which I am not 100% sure about because he wouldn't let it go. "If you did such and such to him X number of times, how can you not remember the size?"

Never make up answers. This not being honest. Guessing answers is wrong. Tell BH you don't know when you don't know.

As to scheduling talks. Don't let BH coerce you.

Janda, then we have something in common. I am very offended by your cruel, callous behavior towards your betrayed spouse and even more offended by your inappropriate self pity and focus on your own "pain" while your husband bleeds on the ground. What you are doing is the equivalent of the rapist crying because his rape victim kicked him in the commission of the crime. You want sympathy for the consequences you are suffering for abusing this man for 12 years. And you are offended?

I am offended.

I am offended by serial cheating and lying. I am offended by your "outrage" over your victims reaction to your abuse. I am offended that you believe it is ok to lie to your H for years on end and can't understand his anger and frustration. It is the cruelest abuse that one can commit upon another. That is offensive.

Such an injustice is offensive to decent people. Decent people are offended by injustice.

I think this lack of empathy has to greatly concern your husband and make him seriously question how dangerous you really are. If you feel such callousness for these crimes, what else are you capable of? Any rational person would ask such questions.

It doesn't seem that you even begin to comprehend what you have done to this man. How do you explain such a callous lack of empathy? Is it because you lied to him all this time? Has that kept you foggy and oblivious to his pain? Are you normally this callous to the suffering of others?

Did you read the article I linked from Dr Harley where he equates adultery to rape, physical assault or the death of a child? How to Survive Infidelity

I wouldn't hold back like that ML, its not healthy...DUDE

Janda,

It took my FWW eight months to finally come clean. It was pluperfect hell. Multiply that by 18? I can't even imagine.

Girl, IT AIN'T ABOUT YOU. Get that straight. IT AIN'T ABOUT YOU.

You have to do right by him. That's the bottom line, and until you vomit it all up, it's not happening. And you don't get to make the call about what you tell him -- that's his decision.

Your job is not to destroy him while telling him the truth. Be gentle, but be candid.

Actions have consequences. Roost, meet chickens.

You had to go there .

I sometimes think my FWW is gifted with incredible naivety, or incredible insensitivity - sometimes I'm not sure which. Sometime after she cheated for the first time, and we were back "in-love" and recovering, we're on the way to being intimate, and suddenly she chuckles. I ask why (yes, sometimes my curiousity gets the best of me), and she says that she just remembered a time she was being intimate with the OM and he made a "mistake" (it should be obvious what that "mistake" was). Grr...

Of course, after D-Day #2 concerning OM#2, she says that he apparently made the same "mistake" one time as well. I looked at her incredulously - she can't be THAT naive! I reminded her of the first "mistake" by OM#1, and she replied she had no recollection of telling me that, LOL.

IMO OMs who are in it for the fun will likely "push the limit" to see how far they can go - it's as simple as that. After all, unlike us BHs, they don't really have that much to lose, and they know that once that infatuation steps in, they can probably get the WW to do almost anything they want her to do.

Anyway, getting back to the subject. Janda, you *need* to find a safe way with your H to be honest with him about everything, if you want to increase the chances of recovering your M to a point that you'd like to be. Even if it means discussing things that you really feel uncomfortable about. And you can make the most of the "hysterical bonding" by making it clear by your involvement that you're not just "going through the motions", that it's something you want to do with your H, that it's something you enjoy doing with your H. Your H needs this from you. And if you need something from him to get you to that point, let him know!

Janda,

What MelodyLane has been telling you is VERY true...Your husband is very hurt and very angry at being kept in the dark for SO LONG...I agree that your lack of empathy here is just astounding...Can you for a second put yourself in your husband's position? Do you understand how very disrespectful it is for you to withhold information from him about his own life? I understand that YOU don't feel that the way he is asking is very nice or respectful, but let's stop for a minute and think about YOUR SIDE OF THE STREET...Was it respectful of you to have the affairs in the first place? Have you been respectful by deciding FOR your husband what he should or shouldn't know? Janda, do you understand that that is a lot like you would treat a PET? Oh, I've no doubt that you'll find that particularly hard to swallow and think me MEAN for saying it...But STOP for a second - drop your defenses and understand that I'm trying to HELP you, not hurt you...I want you to open your eyes and really see the suffering that your husband has endured for 12 YEARS...I want you to be as astonished as I am that the man is still there under such circumstances...

I realize that you feel "offended" by people being upfront and giving you the brass tacks about your situation - but why? Are you unable to see that YOUR BEHAVIOR is FAR MORE OFFENSIVE than any mere WORDS that can be typed here?

To me your husband's reactions are perfectly understandable, and I'm a FWW myself...My gosh...He's angry...He's hurt...And you are unwilling to put salve on the wounds that YOU inflicted upon him - 12 years ago - his wounds have only festered and gotten worse in that time...Janda, that is CRUEL...Can't you see this at all? You aren't the victim here...HE IS...I'm sorry that your behavior has put you in a position to be hurt and offended, but really it's YOUR OWN BEHAVIOR that has led to this - do you understand that?

Personal responsibility and making amends for your wrongs are EXPECTED of an adult...Doing so will not only benefit your husband, but YOU as well...I see you as still very foggy, and I can tell you why - because you have continued to lie for so long...Continued lying keeps you in the wayward mindset - I believe this is why you lack empathy...HONESTY is the solution here...It's the ONLY way...

And Janda, not only have you robbed your husband for the last 12 years, but you've also robbed yourself...A marriage with real intimacy can't be beat - and you've been unable to have that because your husband doesn't know EVERYTHING there is to know about you...That makes me very sad for you both...Mr. W and I were just talking yesterday about how incredible it feels to share our whole selves with each other - we marvel at how different our marriage is now - we have MB to thank for that...It's amazing...It can work for the two of you as well, but you MUST work the ENTIRE program - you can't skip anything - most importantly, RADICAL HONESTY...

Janda, I think you and your husband would benefit greatly from attending a Marriage Builders Weekend...Mr. W and I went in 2007 - it's amazing...There are links at the top of this page...I hope you and your husband will seriously consider it...

I would also very much like to see you bring your husband here and let him read your thread - I think you'd be surprised to find out that he has felt exactly as many people here have described to you...I also think being here and being validated would help him immensely in his healing, of course nothing will help him like your willingness to share EVERYTHING with him...A combination of being here, your honesty and a MB Weekend will take your marriage soaring to heights you've never imagined...Will you please bring him here?

Mrs. W

Janda,

What MiM referred to is the absolute worst thing to any BH.

The concept that while you're in the sack (or wherever SF is happening) and you start thinking about the OM in any way, good OR bad, is an absolute nightmare. It's usually a, shall we say, deflating thought.

That's what drives BH's insane. That very concept. THAT'S the definition of torture in my book.

You had to go there

There is another reason for going there btw, you need to know what happened in order to check for STDs in the right places.

Since anal HPV can cause anal cancer, your wife needs to monitor herself for the rest of her life there. Not to mention HIV/hepatitis if OM was an IV drug user.

NJ

I know thats how I would be 'Janda'....one question would lead to another, etc, etc, however I would imagine eventually there could be no more questions, I hope? Maybe not.

I know I would be very hurt over hearing some of my FWW replies, but I gotta find out the truth.

That time will eventually come. In my case, I just reached a point where I realised that asking further questions wasn't really going to help improve things.

Eww.....

Some'a mistake'a to make'a. And WW believed it?

Either she believes it, or she wants me to believe it. Both options don't really look that good to me!

Janda,

I know it seems like its not going your way. So I wanted to publicly praise you for what you've done so far.

Janda,
Thank you for finding this site and signing up.
Thank you for listening to the advise given.
Thank you for doing instead of just arguing
Thank you for exposing yourself to help your BH.
Thank you for shining the truth on this ugly act of betrayal.

My wife and I are on here, and we went through the same thing y'all are.

We could not do it face to face, we had to sit in different rooms and talk through instant messenger to keep it as calm and as safe as possible.

Now that I have all my answers, I feel a lot safer because I don't have that hurt that my wife is trying to keep her and OM's secrets from me anymore.

Should the OM ever show up and try to start bragging "Did you know this? or this? or that?"

My answer would be "She told me everything, i have nothing to say to you, bye"

Soldier on Janda!

Janda, I have not read the whole thread, nor am I an expert on the subject. But as someone who is still dealing with a VERY recent A, I thought I'd give my 2 cents.

I did NOT want to hear the details of my wife's A, but I was taught by the experts in this forum and the MB material that 100% "Radical" honesty was the only path to recovery. I was also told stories of people who didn't know the whole story for 20 years, and it almost drove them crazy! So, I insisted to my W that as hard as it was to hear, I wanted to know every last detail. Even the positions they did it in, the exact times of day, everything. Even though it hurt terribly, the "mind movies" I had been making up in my head for the weeks prior suddenly went away. For some reason I felt very relieved to know every detail. And, now I am greatful that she told me everything as early as she did, because I know it would have driven me crazy over the years if she didn't.

So, if you haven't yet, I would do it. Tell every last detail, no matter how much you think it will hurt. I promise, he will be relieved to know, and it will free him from ever wondering again. You will be doing him a huge favor.

Good luck!

Janda

How things going?

Janda:

I wanted to second this thought:


And add the next: What if you had done this 10-11 years ago? Where do you think your BH would be now?

That's all anyone is asking here.

Your offended because your husband isn't "asking you the right way", and folks are calling you out on that.

If you really understood what they are asking you, that if you HAD done these things, then maybe, for ten years, you may not have ever been asked about it again. Whether your BH husband asked you like this: "Did you @#$% him off?" or like this: "When you were with OM, did you perform in an oral way?"

And that Primal, not loving, type of SF that you two had yesterday? Your BH was claiming you back. With all that new knowledge he had of you, he was staking his claim....

It took him 12 years to get there.

You will be surprised how much better your marriage can be going forward from here.

He has been in purgatory for 12 years. Now you BOTH can climb out.

Understand something. I'm not the betrayed husband here, I'm the one who had a 4.5 year PA with OW. There was ALOT to tell my BW. And I did. Until she was satisfied with what SHE NEEDED to know. She still asks about things. 4 years later.

As Mel pointed out, I raped my wife emotionally with my A. I do not complain about the uncomfortableness that I may feel when she triggers. I just comfort her, answer her questions, address her concerns, if possible, and tell her I'm sorry for having done this to HER. And then I thank her for allowing me to stay with her.

You can get there.

You have been been a bad place for a long time. You are traveling to a better place now. Much better. Sure, there will be some turbulance along the way. But the place you end up is much better.

LG

Thanks for your thoughts. I knew I probably wouldn't be getting much sympathy here, but I feel like there's anger bordering on hatred coming from some. You know, the main reason I thought about outing myself on here was not for me. It's for H. Maybe a little for me to make the questioning stop I suppose. I know what I did was beyond wrong. It's probably hollow sounding to say it, but I profoundly regret what I did to our M and what it's done to my husband especially when it came crashing down. That was our M's lowest of lows. You can call it avoidance or self-preservation, but my reluctance to share the gory details was meant to shield H from any more of the effects of the affair. I think what I am learning through people here on MB is that isn't the right way to handle my mistakes. I'm just making it worse. The voices that mean the most to me are the people that have been through my experience, especially the BH's. A lot of what you say, I see in my H. I wish he didn't have the need to know things so explicitly, but I am starting to understand the why's a lot more now. So, thank you.
I still feel a lot sleep deprived. H took another vacation day from work. Work is my escape the past couple of days. It's like he's on pins and needles waiting for us to get some private time to resume the talking. I am so talked out, but I realize he needs this. SF is more of the same. He asks, and I think he knows I won't say no. He is still aggressive, and it's always the same position. Just knowing about hysterical bonding keeps me from freaking out or thinking differently of him. Otherwise, I think we'd be in a big fight by now.
I am going to insist that we schedule these talks on a weekly basis. Right now, though, I don't think he is ready for that. Now that I've started answering, he just wants to ask and re-ask. Analyze, then ask again. I thought about quitting MB. Glad I haven't...so far.

Wow, So now I can be more understanding of myself and why I am such a shell of the man I used to be.

During our marriage there were little episodes of adultry that she would never own up to but I thought I was strong enough to deal with it.
I lived with my wife for 3 years after her affair before she became sick with cancer. During those three years we treated the affair with the same attitude and she never said she was sorry. I chaulked it up to the drugs finnally taking over her sense of right and wrong. She had fought off some big issues in her life but this one finnaly took her.
She passed away without telling me she was sorry for the pain she caused me and the children. I did bring it up before she got sick but.. Well because only she, the woman I was dedicated to, could have helped me with that pain, I will have to trust God and the common sense of places like this to take away those feelings.
This thread has been very revealing as to what damage past affairs can do to the BS.
Thanks for confirming what I already knew in my heart guys and am still recovering from.

Janda while you have the chance help your husband regain his sense of masculinity.

For you, Thanks for coming here and fighting for your marriage.

Janda,

I think I identified strongly with your H and what he is feeling. Perhaps many others did as well.

It took me a few days of reading when I first found MB, before I realized what I was doing and had done to my wife, the self-realization was not pretty.

NJ

Janda,

MB is the ONLY way you're going to get through this. You haven't been shielding him from the A -- you've been shielding yourself from the consequences.

My FWW finally admitted that's why she waited so long to tell me. She was still trying to come to terms with what she had done.

What your BH has is gangrene of the soul. You have to tear off the sloppily applied bandage and do the real work of repair. If you don't, your M will crash and burn.

It's not going to be easy. You already know that. But you have begun to take the right steps.

Read the material on this website....and re-read "Joseph's Letter." It's the straight deal.

You can do this, but you're going to face a lot of heat. Just be ready for it.

This thread has helped me and hopefully my wife, more than you can ever believe. I hope to apply what we've learned in short order.

Asking re-asking is normal.

Read this *link* ... a short illustration of getting the whole story.

Changing the wording to reflect your situation:

Visualize this:

Imagine a police officer holding a briefcase rings your doorbell and tells you "BH" is dead.

Janda asks: "What? How?"

The police officer says: "It doesn't matter. All you need to know is he is dead".

Janda says: "But when? Where? Who caused it? Did he suffer?"

The police officer says: "Janda, I have all that information right here in my briefcase. But you don't need to know any of it. It may hurt you. You may cry. It will be painful. You will get angry. All you need to know is BH is gone."

Heylo,

Just wanted to drop you a line, to say thats its not going to be easy and it will be exhausting..

I have nothing new to say, just wanted to let you know we are rooting for y'all.

Pep

I think that it would do them good for her BH to come here and post.

Your take?

Hey all. Quick post. Getting more sleep, although things are more of the same. Still asking the same questions, but I think he's starting to realize that's he's running out of ways to ask the same things. Only new twist is that he wants to recreate positions/acts I did with OM. Still weird for me, but I'm going along with it.

Janda:

This line says it all:

Go along with it. Throw your self into it.

How long did it take your BH to grow tired of some of the questions after he got the truth? Not long did it?

Use that to continue on this path of truth.

Your doing great.

LG

Janda,

I realize it took courage to come to this site. Asking and listening is a great way to try to understand what your BH is going through. On this site other life events are compared to the emotions a BS is going through. It will be impossible to fully empathize with what he is feeling. I do admire that you are trying.

What he's trying to do is to reclaim what should have been his alone. I went through a spate of that myself after D-Day. There was hysterical bonding during SF, a tricky proposition two weeks after hip replacment surgery, but it can be done. That part was mine-all-mine, dammit!!! And it is again, as it should be.

She had gone to a very popular tourist spot for her birthday in 2008 -- with her friends, she'd said at the time -- with Pond Scum. We did our own trip last year about six months after D-Day, and she said the whole experience was sooooo much better and sooooo much more fun with me. So, that was mine-all-mine, too.

Quite frankly, it's a very effective method of moving past what happened. I say moving past, because you don't "get over it." You can't. You "get past it." It will always be there. You just have to get to the point where enough good things have happened in recompense that the bad pales in comparison and in importance. The most common time frame for that is two to five years. You're just getting started.

It's a marathon, not a sprint. Just keep working at it.

So true.

There will come a point in working this out with your H where the physical act of your A wont be as important to him as the fact that you are willing to do ANYTHING to help him heal. That is where your love for him should be evidence in reality that you are truly his.
It will help if you both go to a skilled counselor that you BOTH trust can be objective in the healing process.

I know what he is going thru. What most men desire is that thier wife be loyal and respect them and most women need to feel that they are the apple of thier husbands eye. That might sound arcaic and sexest but I am talking about the nature of the beast, not some idealistic politically correct belief that Men and Women are built the same. In Gods eyes niether one is most important than the other.


Keep goin cuz your on the right track

Excellent advice. Time is on your side if you keep at it.