New to the forum, but will try to make a long story short. Last year, my husband of 26 years cheated on me with a woman at my church. First off he has lied so much until I can't keep count. I Love him and believes that he loves me but just got way too involved with conversating with this woman. The met last year and one night he saw her at the store and they begin talking and next thing you know, about 2 weeks later, he's in the back seat of her car having sex. Here is a list of his lies.
Lie about who she was
lie about the color of the car
Lie and said she didn't have an organsim, supposedly to make me feel better
Lie about flaws in her body
All contact was stopped and we went to another church
Promised to never speak to her again, however she begin calling and texting my phone on January 3. He got upset about it and called her to fuss her out.

After he calm down, they continued talking and next thing you know she volunteers to buy him a phone and leave it outside at the old church for him to pick up. He did just that. They talked everyday about 3 times a day for a week before i found the phone. The length and times of the conversation was verified because I looked in the phones and saw the phone log for incoming and out going calls. He said he accepted the phone because he needed someone to talk to because of my constant bickering about the incident.

I admit, every single day we were up to like 2 or 3 in the morning discussing the entire incident. I've called him every name in the book and have bashed him like crazy. This woman is easy to talk to and is a good listner as I even found myself talking to her for hours about the affair. Even after i knew it was her. They both said I never stopped talking about her thus keeping the affair alive instead of killing it. I had to know EVERY SINGLE DETAIL of the affair, especialy the sex part. Why, I don't know. Thing is, I just don't know how to ever trust him again. I would often call the woman and ask her questions and when the difer from what he said, even the slightist way, I'd go and start an argument with him, this is the way we've spent the last 5 months. Daily arguring brought on by me and my need to know the exact truth.

I know men tell stories different then women, so i can understand it. I feel some what responsible for him calling her to fuss her out because of me. But the fact that he accepted the cell phone just to have someone to talk to because I forbidded him to talk to his parents so he said he had no one else. We are still together after me leaving a few times, but always returning. I feel like I should leave him because I can't trust him. Thing is, how do you leave someone that you love sooooo much and have built a 26 year life with. We've been with each other longer then we've been with our parents.

The OW even told me that he told her he loves me and will never leave me. The OW is married as well and her husband knows, we've all talked. He knows because I told her if she didn't tell him I would. Should I leave or stay? Talking about it everyday was that a bit much? I felt I never got the full story, I did go over board. Now I live with what if someone finds out. I don't know what to do, I think we should relocate but he says he doesn't want to move. I know this story is all over the place, but there has been so many lies, tears and pain.

He told some of the lies to protect me from even more pain. I explained that lying is never the right route to take regardless. The OW and I have talked. My thing is, I talked to her this past saturday and he got upset once again and I left the house to get some air. During which time he called her and yelled at her and hug up on her. So I came home and I was there about 20 minutes and next thing you know his cell phone rings and it's her. He wouldn't answer it, next thing we know he receives a text that said OUTSIDE!!!!! So I'm like, she's outside of our house, I open the front door and she was there. She saw me and pulled off. i called her and she said she came by to tell her said of the story and he wouldn't even allow her that chance because he hung up on her before she could say anything so without thinking, she was heated and jumped and her car to come over to tell him off. He seemed shocked as I was that she was there and said he didn't tell her to come he just fussed her out about, once again talking to me. I've decided to not talk to her anymore because the more I do, the more arguments break out and that's why we are not healing like we should. What do you all think, I know it's long please forgive me.

READ a ton on this forum.

First thing you need to do is expose to her husband, don't assume she told him. Get a hold of him. Tell your H parents/siblings and yours. Tell the pasotr or priest and anyone who would put pressure on them to stop.

Others will be on here to help shortly

PrincessMeggy wrote this gem:

Nope. Not even close

He lies to make himself look good.

Lies INCREASE your pain.

How do you know?
You weren't there, and your H is still telling you lies.




Call her husband. Tell him he needs to keep a watch on his wife because if he doesn't, you will get a restraining order to protect yourself. Tell her H OW came to your home, uninvited.

YOU STOP CALLING/SPEAKING TO OW.

You are going to have to expose this to your husband's family. And your kids. And the other woman's husband and parents.

From her first post:
"The OW is married as well and her husband knows, we've all talked."

That still leaves everyone else. She'll probably care more that her DAD knows.

Her husband knows for sure because my husband and I both have talked to him. Needless to say that it wasn't a pleasant conversation. I know my husband was home alone because when I left to vent, we had just had an argument because when he got into the car as we were leaving the store, I was on the phone talking to her. So by the time we got home he was upset that her and I had been talking. When we got home I changed clothes and left, soon as I got into the car I called her. So her and I was talking for about 30 minutes. I drove about 5 minutes from the cabin.

The reason her and I hung up was because she got a beep on her phone, which I found out the person on the other line was him. He fussed her out and hung up, it was about a 1 minute converation. I got to the cabin and about 20 minutes later she showed up. I was shocked because I knew I had just spoke to her, so why would she be coming to my cabin. When I called her I did tell her that I was shocked and wanted to know why was she at my place 20 minutes after we talked. She told the same story, that he had yelled at her and hung up on her without allowing her the chance to say anything. I did tell her if she ever came over again I would tell her husband as well as call the police.

Her and I have a odd relationship, I only talk to her because she gives me the answers he doesn't. It's like I believe her more then him. She has proven to be more truthful, or shall I say more detail with her stories then him. It's been pretty peaceful since Sunday. I basically haven't mentioned her since then thats why I think we're getting alone. His parents know as well as our daughter and her kids. Even though sex was involved in their relationship, I believe it was lust and an emotional attachment. They both are fitness freaks and that's what they first start conversating about. The lies he told were lies to make me feel good, like he said she had sagging boobs and stretch marks and that she didn't have an orgasim, when in fact she did and does not have sagging boobs. He's always said I'm more attractive then her, which is true, she even agrees with that. He said he does have feelings for her but not in love with her or anything. She said the same thing, she loves him but not "in love" with him. She loves her husband just as much as my husband loves me. I told them both they could have each other and I would bow out gracefully, but they say it's not like that, it was just sex. Could it have been just sex? Regardless, it happen. Thing is, how long will I feel the pain, and how long will I have the visions in my head? When does the healing begin? I don't have a lot of time.

It cannot begin as long as OW is still in your lives in any way, shape, form.

Your H and you BOTH should have ZERO contact with OW.

Ok, obsessing about an affair is perfectly normal, especially when lies havbe been involved. Wanting every detail comes from those lies and in truth, there may still be no peace for a while.
Ask yourself this. Do you remember every detail of intimate moments in your past ? Do you remember every conversation and timing of them ?
The reality is your WH has lied to protect himself and you. Lies are not always about a person making themselves feel better, they are sometimes protective.
Your WH and all involved have admitted the affair and all are doing their best to appease you and answer your questions. Are the answers though actually helping ??? Possibly not.
Your WH has sex with another, where it was, why it happened, what position they were in and whether he enjoyed it or not are not relevant.
You have to ask yourself how YOU are going to move on. Eventually the relentless questioning will do more harm than good for all concerened.
If your WH is remorseful, apologetic and willing to end the affair. You then have to sit down and work out where it all went wrong. Many times here I have read that affairs rarely happen in a vacuum. You both have had a role to play here and although his hurtful way of dealing with his problems are not condoned by me, I can assure you that, whether you like it or not, you have both been an intrigal part of this mess.
Break it all down and start, slowly, to pick up the pieces and try to make your marriage bullet proof for the future.
It is possible, but takes a great deal of time and effort. We are all weak and can be weakened with the help of others. You don't know it yet, but you helped weaken your marriage as well.
Please have a look at yourself and try to see what your part was in all of this and work from there. That way, you can ensure that if your marriage is to succeed and get stronger you know where you need to continue your work for the future.
Some rules though....
1. Try to keep conversations to 15 minutes and at set times.
2. Shouting does not acheive anything.
3. Blame is only to try to shame. It acheives nothing.
4. Guilt is a pointless emotion.
5. Date again....show each other that you can still have fun.
6. Try to replace the thoughts of your WH A with good thoughts from the past realising that they are just thoughts and letting thme pass.
7. Concetrate on the parts of your marriage that are still good and try not to dwell on the parts that are not. They are the bits you are about to fix to make things better than ever.

All that said, it is not easy. Obsessing is a natural reaction to trauma and hopefully, over time, the memories of this awful time will lessen and hopefully become almost laughable. You will not see that now, but if you read enough recovery threads on this site you will see that you can make this negaitive into a HUGE positive.
Finally. If you are the obsessing type, delete all numbers from your phone, all letters that relate to this must be destroyed and any triggers that put you in a negative state of mind must be avoided for the time being. You are only creating uncertainty by going over old ground and your mind, unfortunately, will make things up that never happened and you will convince yourself of things that are simply not true or not relevant.
Take care and be strong. He was weak, you now show him how to be strong and keep that way.

The reality? That is your objective analysis based on...what?

Anything a BS wants to know about a spouses affair is relevant. A part of that BS's life was affected and distorted by an affair and a BS has the right to know anything and everything he or she wants to know to put the pieces together.

It might be that knowing the details convinces the BS that he or she does not want to stay with the WS. Learning of how the WS behaved can make the BS see them in a new light. However, this is the BS's prerogative. If she wants to know exactly what went on so that she can make her decision about staying or going, she deserves that knowledge. No BS should be encouraged to move on in ignorance, just so that the marriage will not break up.

There would be no need for "relentless questioning" if the WS had been open and honest about the details from the start. This is not a situation where the BS has had her questions fully answered and still brings up the affair.

Dr Harley does say that at some point the couple must leave the affair in the past and move on with the present, to create a sensational future, but he ALSO says that all the details of the affair must be revealed. 26years knows that all details have not been revealed, and that is why she cannot "move on".

WH is not yet being remorseful and apologetic. He is still lying and covering up details of the affair, which is not helping his wife. As for "working out where it all went wrong"; please do not misuse Dr Harley's explanations of unmet needs to place any blame on 26years for this affair. She had no part in her H's decision to go outside his marriage and betray her. You appear to be writing from the perspective of someone trying to find justification for betraying his own wife and ending his marriage, as you did in your first marriage. What you did in walking away from your marriage into another relationship was despicable, and you should not post to a BS suggesting that her H's walking the same path is in any way her fault.

The poster should follow Dr Harley's recommendations for ending all contact and then recovering from the affair. From where do you get your recommendations? How did you become an authority on recovery?
Dr Harley recommends ending all contact with OW. As Pepperband says above, 26years should not have contact with her either.

Dr Harley recommends moving away to another are if contact is unavoidable or easily made. 26 years, you should read all the articles on this website related to ending contact and rebuilding the marital relationship. Start Here.

Does the OWH know about the PA?

If not this a big mistake.

Being OW is filling you in on the details use her.

Though there must be NC between OW and WH.

Sugarcane, I am not trying to justify anything and certainly am not condoning what has happened here. I have been the BS and have obsessed about my partners actions over a long period of time and it created more problems than it solved.
Seeing the bigger picture at times like this is almost impossible.
What one has to understand is that both parties have a part to play in any marriage that goes wrong. Again, I am not condoning an affair and have never had one in my books, but it is a sign that things have gone drastically wrong and that is a dual responsibility. I am not for a minute suggesting that an affair resolves problems, it is selfish and harsh, but if one were to want to recover then it is by looking at what got you to the point at which you find yourselves now and working backwards to allow forwards movement.
I am recovered. That's how I became knowlegeable.
I totally agree with no contact, and absolutely agree that there should be no contact with OW by BS also. What I am suggesting is that the situation be allowed to cool so that the wood can be seen from the trees.
I am obsessive by nature and I can see where this situation will end up. It is possible to push someone away that is trying to come back into the marriage by constantly beating them with the blame stick. It is normal to obsess but can also be counter productive. At this point even if he were to come clean to every detail, the obsessive mind will be able to exaggerate and create new scenarios. I am just trying to point that out.

No bingo, in order for the marriage to ever heal, he has to come clean on everything. To do otherwise is to lie by omission, which will compound the crime and make it worse. Radical honesty is the only solution to adultery, not more lies. If she doesn't get the truth, she will "obsess" on the missing facts about HER LIFE that were cruelly withheld from her and will never be able to trust him. Nor should she trust him again if he is being dishonest.

The advice you are giving is counter to anything that Dr Harley or any recovered couple here advises. Its not helpful to this woman.

Requirements for Recovery

huh? Can you cite the Marriage Builders source for this advice?

So her H knows. What about her parents? THEY are the ones who have the most effect on her. Call them today.

Sorry for the t/j...

What is it with people who know of their spouse's affair and do nothing about it? I exposed to OMW and only received a letter of reply from her lawyer asking that further communication go through his office, as she "didn't want to involve their children." Twice I mailed the attorney and to date have received no follow up.

OM is apparently a serial philanderer and yet his wife, separated from him, does nothing to change the situation.

Makes it real hard to put pressure on the A in that case.

End of t/j

That's because the wife is too closely entwined into getting her needs met by her H, jerk or not. She is afraid to do anything, for whatever her reasons are, usually to keep from losing that person. But an OW's/OM's parents will ALWAYS be their parents, and they changed their diapers. They more likely will NOT be afraid to chew them out for at the very least embarrassing them.

You know, I can see all the sides to this. I must admit, I have to take some responsibility. On and off, over the past 26 years I have accused my husband of cheating. Due to the type of work he does, he's always out front and women love men out front. So what I would do was nagg him about being careful so that he wouldn't cheat, because women throw themselves at him constantly. This has always been a problem for me and he never like constantly being accused of something he didn't do. I've been insecure in the marriage due to my dad walked out on my mom/us and simply never returned. So I always grew up hearing "men are no good". When you hear that as a child, it affects you as an adult.

I honestly believe that he never cheated until last year. This woman showed more interest in the things he liked, wherein I didn't. She provided him with the type of conversation he needed from me and didn't get. There's nothing outstanding about her, matter of fact if you see her, then look at him, you'll wonder "what was he thinking". Which is what he says all the time.

Even the bible says it's better to be on the roof top then in a house with a nagging woman. I blame myself for years of accusations. Buttttt, at the same time, he knows right from wrong and he shouldn't have done it period, no if's and's or but's about it. I do believe I am due the full story, but at the same time this has hindered our healing process. See, I would ask him a question, then turn around and ask the other woman a question and if the answers were different, here come's the all day argument. It could be as simple as, how long did you talk to her on the phone, if he say 10 minutes and the OW says 20 minutes, I'd accuse him of lying. It's like there were big lies and little ones. But a lie is a lie.

I think if I would have simply not called her and stopped all dealings with her, things wouldn't have gotten so bad. I haven't talked to her in a few days and we changed our numbers so she can't call me either nor text me as she often would. Since I haven't talked to her, things have been better. I know he lied about some stuff to protect me from more hurt, I really believe that. Still doesn't make it right but I know he loves me. I agree with you both, Sugarcane and Bingo.

My Parents and my husbands parents know about the affair. I can see a little light at the end of the tunnel. You all have helped soooo much, even if it is from two different perspectives. I take a little from each of you and use it to work for me. I don't believe that there is one answer for everyone because all of our situations are different. I do believe that this made our marriage stronger and taught us both to appreciate each other. Too bad we had to suffer like this to realize how good we both have it and how great of a life we both have.

Catperson, in my opinion, my husband's parents didn't chew him out enough. I think I've chewed him out enough for everyone on this forum. Being half way friends with the OW was the worst thing I could do, but she was easy to talk to and that's what pulled my husband in to her.

I meant to meantion, the affair was for about a month and a half. They had sex twice and only met in secret 2 times, which was 2 times too many. They did a lot of texting and talking over the phone. It never got to over night trips, or sex in the bed, or secret dinners and etc.. It was just they met in the parking lot of a store for about 30 minutes, that's all the time he could spare and he basically did the do and left.

Hey, and you believe him about the details of the affair? They probably had sex 100 times if he says it was 2!

This did not cause your husband to cheat. A caring man would have tried HARDER to protect his marriage knowing your legitimate concerns. You are not "insecure," you have rational and well founded concerns based on the level of risk he was taking.

Your husband cheated because of the POOR BOUNDARIES that you properly recognized and complained about. If you complain about your kids playing in the road and they get hit, is it YOUR FAULT they got hit?

If you feel anxious when your children play in the road, are you "insecure" or are you reacting to a legitimate risk?


A complaint is an irritation in a BAD MARRIAGE and an opportunity for improvement in a good marriage. You apparently had good CAUSE to continually bring up your concerns, given that his risky behavior led to an affair. Don't blame yourself for seeing the REAL AND LEGITIMATE RISK. YOU WERE RIGHT TO BE CONCERNED AND YOUR FEARS WERE RIGHT ON.

26years, you should go post to Atena, her situation is similiar. Her H tormented her with his loose, risky behavior for years and then BLAMED her for being upset about it. He had TWO affairs that she knows of.

What your husbands are doing is a form of gaslighting, where they drive you CRAZY with risky, disrespectful behavior and then blame YOU when you object. Then they blame you when the RISK is realized, which makes no sense.

It is irrational to assert that complaints about risky behavior CAUSES risky behavior. That is WAYWARD thinking.

26years, yes, same story as you. Now we are separated and he is free to see OW and many others after her...I am sure.
He made me feel bad for 20 years. He had a wayward mind from the beginning.
blessing

I was talking about the OW's parents, not your WH's. If you're trying to separate them, you should be exposing to HER parents as well as his. Have you?

Yes I believe that it was only 2, only because of the time frame that the affair took place. It was in the month of July and August. Half of the month of July we were out of town. The month of August is a blurr to me, but from September 1st till now, The only place he goes without me is the bathroom. We own our own business and since I found out, I've been on him like white on rice. If he had chance to see her, there was no sex involved. I guess you would have to know our life style to really believe that. Let's just say, after I found out, I turned into a great detective.

I'm not taking ALL the blame for what he done, he is the one that made the wrong decision and destroyed our life. I don't even want my old life back, we are trying to start a new. But, I've told him if he ever calls or sees her, there will be no discussion, it will be a done deal. He has more to lose then I do. He is an well known in our area as well as his family. They have the reputation of a saint. If anyone ever found out about this, oh boy, he would have to leave the entire State.

I hate to say this, but deep down inside, I believe it will come out one day, and I will feel somewhat relieved.

My husband is a good man, I know you all are probably laughing at that statement, but he truly is. He's been a great husband, father, grandfather and father in law. He did make a major, major mistake. However, I can't write him off because of one boo boo. I haven't been a "perfect" wife, earlier in our marriage I made mistakes as well. Nothing excuses adultry.

Are you going to contact OW's parents and siblings?

I don't know her parents/family. She is new to the area, as we are too. The only people we've talked to in her family is her husband and they both confirmed that the kids know. Thing is, If I go running around telling all of her family, siblings, friends and coworkers. She'll do the same, and as I said, my husband has more to loose then her. If he looses, then I lose even more and I feel like I've suffered enough. I've told the OW's husband, my parents and my husband's parents. I don't think I need to tell anyone else. I'm not so much as covering him, but I have myself to think about as well. This is way too embarassing as it is. If I rattle her cage, then my life is over as I have known it for the past 26 years. I understand that everyone here thinks that you should basically tell the world, but I can't do that. I'd end up living in my car or someone, all the hard work, blood, sweat and tears into our business. Now if it happens again, I will have an I DON'T CARE ATTITUDE. Doesn't everybody deserve a second chance? I'd like to give him that chance, am I stupid for that? If only you all knew who we were in the community.

Wow.

So...you are choosing material wealth and going to important parties over a husband who no longer cheats on you?

What makes you think that he will KEEP YOU? If he's that important, he can just dump you and keep replacing you with prettier, younger women. Or, if you keep making it this easy for him, he'll just start moving his women in the house, since you obviously have no objections; you can have a three-way. It'll be great.

Bet Tiger Wood's wife thought the same thing at first.

Good luck to you 26.
Peace out!

That's one of Pep's many ways of saying "You seem to be done listening, so I'm done talking for now."

Exposure is your friend for many, many reasons... chief among them is to get support for YOU from friends and family, and secondarily to put pressure on the affair.

I suspect that, within a few days, you will begin to see why exposure to every possible exposure target that might have an impact on your spouse's decision-making is crucial to ending the affair and moving forward into recovery. But I understand the need to fight that recommendation, because I did, too. It took a long time for both my former wayward wife and I to recognize the many and varied benefits full exposure -- full TRUTH -- to friends and family accomplished.

Hold up everyone, come on now, I may appear a little naive, but I'm far from it. I'm not going to just settle for being cheated on, no amount of money could take away the hurt and the pain.

I think I read on another post where someone was saying or asking the question about 2nd chances. That's all I'm simply saying is that I believe in 2nd chances. I'm not so doom and gloom, I live with this man every day, I know him better then his parents. True I was shocked when he cheated.

How can I expose the OW to her parents if I don't know them? I am sure with a little investigation, I probably could find them. So the theory is to destroy a life to repair a life? The affair is over, he admitted to it, she admitted to it. He asked for forgiveness, I've forgiven Him. I haven't forgot though. We seem to be doing fine for now at least, why mess that up with tracking down her parents. What are her parents going to do?

So everything that goes "wrong" in your marriage, you're suppose to call up all of your relatives and tell them? I'm in no way fighting the recommendations, I just don't totally agree with them. There is a time and a season for everything. If the time comes wherein I need to track her parents down, then I will.

Honestly I'm exhausted, I'm tired of talking and fussing about this everyday. I want to move on and the only way to do that is to let it go and begin to heal. In no ways am I saying that he is off the hook and that he will be free as a bird to do as he please or come and go as he please. I have things in place to protect my heart. I'm just willing to try it one more time. After 26 years, don't you think it's worth that. Is there anyone on here who has recovered inspite of the affair without telling the whole world?

Because you had an affair does that make you permanently a liar and cheater? Is their no recovery possible for cheaters? So you all haven't done something that deserved a second chance?

I don't want you all to think that my husband is having his cake and eating it too because trust me, he's not. Also keep in mind, this happen last year, last 6 1/2 months ago. I wasn't talking this positive when I first found out, I've grown to this point, I'm not totally delivered yet, but I have had time to think, be resentful and angry in the midst of the tears.

Once the smoke began to clear, I'm starting to reevaluate alot of things. Pepperband, please don't stop commenting, I need all the help I can get. That's why I'm here because I realize I don't know it all and I came here for help.

I'm a newbie. First post.

I've followed MB for 3 years, unsuccessfully. Divorce will be final next week.

I didn't follow the plan very closely. Looking back, I know I could have blown this affair out of the water if I'd listened.

Listen to the pros. Pay attention to stories like Chai's and Hope's and mine ... when I post it.

The trust in your marriage has already been fractured. You cannot trust your husband.

This is obvious. The minute there is any upheaval in your relationship, he is running off to the OW. Even anger is an opportunity to connect. He has not let go of his attachment to her, and she has not let go of her attachment to him. She left HER husband to run to YOUR husband.

You are teaching them what to expect from YOU. YOU will do anything to keep your marriage intact, even bend your values and allow your husband and OW to violate your boundaries.

Show them that you are serious about your marriage. EXPOSE! EXPOSE to everyone!

Do not allow your husband for a second to believe that you will back down when it comes to your commitment to him and your recovery.

If this is what you want, then fight for it. But sitting back and allowing them to behave this way is only hurting YOU.

Consequences now . . . or consequences later. Some of us are still waiting for the karma bus because we wanted to play "nice".

Of course you can give him a second chance. I believe in them. I just don't see yet what you two are doing to create an environment in which he won't stray again. Has he taken a polygraph? Has he given you all his passwords? Do you have complete access to his phone bill and computers? Did you install a GPS in his car so you will always know where he is? Do you have equal access to all your bank accounts? Has he written a NC letter that YOU sent? Do you have utter access to him at his work? Are you counseling with the Harleys? Are you attending the next MB weekend? These are the things that would make me feel safe for you.

Catperson, to answer your questions. No he has not taken a poloygraph. I have his passwords to his email and cell phone. I have complete access to the phone bills and computers. Yes I have a GPS in the car. Yes I have equal access to all of our bank accounts. No he has not written a NC letter, however he has written her a letter as well as told her over the phone it was over. I was sitting there as he talked to her. We own our own business and are together pretty much all day, seriously since the incident, he's seldomly alone. His only privacy is in the bathroom. This does get to him at times but, hey like I told him "take it or leave it". No we are not in counseling and no we will not be able to attend the MB weekend (actually I didn't know anything about that).

Well, it sounds like you have it under control, then. I'd advise, though, that you also study the other material here about improving your marriage - learn about Love Busters and Emotional Needs and spending time together, things you'll need to strengthen your marriage so that he'll not be as likely to stray again.

Yes, will do. It is indeed one of the hardest things that I have ever had to deal with. Neither of us have been in this situation before so we made and will probably continue to make mistakes. I really want it to work as does he, but it's hard getting the pictures out of my mind and wondering if he will do it again. I know I can't keep him on lock down forever, at some point he will be left alone. Hopefully by that time I will be able to trust him. The trust was totally shattered and has to be rebuilt. I always say I'm taking it one minute at a time.

Eriek, I will not do "anything" to keep my marriage intact and if they think that, they are sadly mistaken. I will not allow this behavior to continue, if it does, I'm out! I wont even look back. I've made that perfectly clear. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on ME.

You know, I have been following thios with some interest. I made my wife (girlfriend at the time) go through a polygraph test, checked every email, text, phonecall and anything else you care to mention. I set up false email accounts from the supposed OM so as to try to trip her up, but to no avail. She told the truth from the start and all that I did was get myself so wrapped up in the detail that I forgot the bigger picture.
It is possible that you can almost become too much part of the affair yourself and stop yourself being able to look subjectively at the matter in hand.
My feeling is that if you sit on anyone long enough, they will wriggle, and whilst no one put a gun to your husbands head, I know that my jealousy and basic mistrust pushed my partner to her very limits. That, I am affraid, is when things can go wrong.
If your husband is remorseful and wishes to protect you from some truth to avoid hruting you further, then that may not be acceptable on this site, but is natural.
If you are willing to accept that whatever happened, did, and move forward from that, then do just that. It is possible, trust me. The only way you will do that though is to disnetangle yourself from the whole affair and take a good look at everything surrounding it, not the minute details of what happened in it.
I never said on a past post that you were responsible. You are not. That said, these things do not happen in happy marriages, so you both need to be honest with each other about why it got to this stage. Your husband is exposed to vunerable situations and as such you need to nip that in the bud and he will have to work very hard to win your trust back, but this will work out for you, I have no doubt.
When you wake in the morning, if you feel right in his arms and he does in yours then this has just been a very harsh learning curve and you will get over it if all the steps to ensure that you are both fulfilled in every way are put in place.
Take this as an opportunity to scrutinise the people that you are together and work out how to continue to make your marriage bullet proof.
It sounds ridiculous now, but this could actually be the catalyst to a stronger, happier marriage, with such strength in learning that you end your days together a happy old couple having known, in a smug way, that you won the battle, then the war and went on to conquer the world with this funny thing called love.
I wish you the very best and have a good feeling about your chances. There is love oozing from your postings. That is what matters. Forget all of the nonsense about existing in a marriage for the sake of your vows. Get on in there and rediscover what you nearly lost. It's cathartic !!!
Take care

Wow Bingo, thanks for the encouragement. I pray and believe that my marriage will be/is stronger due to this incident. I will take all the advise given, I will rediscover what was nearly lost as well as bullet proof my marriage. By reading your post,what a way to start my day. Thank you Catperson as well. I'm not saying thank you because I was told what I wanted to hear. It's the opposite, I was even told some of the things that I may not have wanted to hear, but were truthful and needed. You all have made me face reality, this is the real world 2010. I will keep you posted on our progress!

Yes, I've come to the conclusion that I am stupid. This past Saturday I found the cell phone that she bought him in his underwear. Long story short, we had went to the store and I kept having this naggin feeling that something wasn't right. He sat in the car at first, then he got out and his pants was zipped down. I said to him, your pants are zipped down. So we left the store and got ready to get on the highway and something kept telling me to touch his groin area, I did and he jumped like he was scared. So I told him to lift up a little and I kept feeling until I felt the cell phone. He had just gotten it back from her, she left if for him outside of our office. He called her from a payphone and told her to leave it so they can talk. The affair right now is just emotional, they haven't seen each other, he hasn't been alone long enough to do that. He used a payphone at a store while we were in the store to tell her to leave the cell phone at the office. I've been on him like white on rice, no outside trips alone. Now in our home, it's a 4 bedroom house and pretty large so he has been sneaking away to call her for comfort. It's just the conversation with her that draws him to her. She listens and never disagrees with him so inturn he thinks she Miss goody twoshoe. I've been difficult since the affair took place so he finds peace with her. I called her and she states that she hasn't seen him and she dropped the phone off at the office because he is on lock down as she describes it. I told her she could have him and I told him to leave. He declares that he loves me and doesn't want to be with her. I told her to come get him and she refuses and said that she doesn't want him and had the nerve to encourage me to stay with him. We are still under the same roof, but I just need the guts to leave. His parents even gave him an ultimatum. They told him if he sees her again.....well I wont said what they said they would do, but it's pretty serious. So, I guess I am stupid for being in love with a man who has feelings for another woman and seems like he has to talk to her. This time instead of mailing her the cell phone back, I dropped it in water and threw it away. This is the second time she has left him a cell phone outside of his office. The first time was at her suggestion the second time was his idea. So what do you do when there is no sex, but an emotional attachement which in my opinion may be worse. I know I know, yall told me so. I thought things were going so well, I really did. Now he DECLARES he's done with her. Thing is, are you done because of what your parents said or are you done because you really want to be with me. I told his parents I would give it one last try, however, I don't know from one second to the next if I'm gonna stay with him. Now I don't even trust him in the bathroom alone. Yesterday I literally talked and yell at him all day, and that's not healthy. I am preparing myself for another surprise, I just cant shake the feeling that they are still talking some how. Her and I texted each other for 2 hours this morning. Her saying she can't explain how she feels about him and how we should "work it out". How hypocritical.

Hold on 26. Take a breath. This is not the time to make life changing decisions for you and your family. You cannot be expected to be thinking clearly at present and as such, please approach this a step at a time.
So, you've exposed the affair. I have read a great many threads about exposure and have my views but whatever they are, you, your husband, his parents and the OW know that you know. That may be good as everyone has then GOT to think about what they are doing and why.
It is not unrealistic that you cannot trust your H at present and everything he does will be looked on by you with a hightened sense of suspicion. All perfectly natural.
What you want is answers, and whether your H is being protective, secretive or just a liar is not apparent to you at present.
I can only tell you what I did as it is only my own experience that I can relay. I asked my wife (then girlfriend) about what she had been up to, but something in my gut told me that I had not been told the exact truth for whatever reason. I sat her down and stated that she had one opportunity to tell me her truth and then we could get past that point in our relationship and move on. At that point I had already booked a polygraph test for a couple of days beyond that point and at the end of our conversation stated that if that were the truth and absolutely the truth then she wouldn't mind putting my mind at rest by taking the test to prove it. That way, we could move on and have done and deal with the truth.
She agreed and the test proved that she was telling the truth ultimately.
The questions that were asked were:-
1. Did you at any stage wish for a sexual relationship with X.
2. Have there ever been any other A's in our relationship.
3. Have you lied about anything relating to the ONS in question.

Now, this is going to be different to your set of questions, but in essence you must in your head formulate what it is precisiely that you need to know and ask the questions. At that point if he refuses to confirm his "truth" you may well be looking at a liar. If he states that he is happy to spend 1/2 hour of his time ensuring that you know everything that you need to, then you may well be looking at someone that you can work through this with.
Truth is surley where trust starts and ends.
I am not at this point stating that once you have the truth that thsi will immediately go away and you will feel fine about the whole thing, you won't. You will still find yourself doubting what he says in the future, and if you read the threads here, there are many people who say that it takes 2 years or more before trust is rebuilt. That has certainly been the case for me. I have been told the truth, had it proved that it is the truth and not once, ever had reason to doubt it. That doesn't though make things dissapear, it just means that you have a central point to work from.
A great many people here state that gathering evidence is the way forward with keyloggers and the like. My view is that if you can get to the truth without getting yourself too wrapped up in the whole mess then surely that is less intrusive and less likely to push away your H.
Whatever happens, this will stop things dead in their tracks as your H will know for sure that he cannot lie anymore.
Forget the parents at the moment, this is about YOU and your absolute right to hear the truth.
Many people talk here about the fantasy of an affair and that it is a way of avoiding the reality fo your life. This seems to be what your H is doing. Running.
Calm down and gather yourself and ask the questions you need to know in a calm manor. I know that even though my partner found the whole polygraph test terrifying, she was determined to make sure I got the truth so that we could move on. That is the sign of a remorseful partner, and that is what you need at the moment.
Good Luck !!!

Hey CP... do you sell polygraph machines or supplies?

I'm driving myself crazy. I've been spieing on him like crazy. Even when he's in the bathroom taking a shower, I'm peeping under the door to make sure he isn't on the phone talking to her. I almost literally follow him around the house. This is not a great way to live. I can't let it go, I keep feeling like there is another cell phone somewhere in the house. I know this is really seperating us more then anything. But what do you do when you have NO trust whatsoever for your WH

What is WH doing to help you feel safe? There needs to be complete transparency. Did he write a NC letter? Did you expose to everyone? Do you have all his passwords? Do you have access to all the bills and phone bills?

Do you love him? Would you want this marriage to be saved if it can be?

Right now you have a chance. It doesnt matter if he stayed because of his parents...It matters if you and him are willing to do what it takes to fall in love again and save this marriage.

Where do I find the NC letter? Or what exactly is it? Do I have him draw one up himself. Yes I do want to keep my marriage, all 26 years of it. So much invested and this is the worst thing we've ever been through. I don't wish this feeling on my worst enemy. I would like for him to send her a NC letter.

I have never actually written one so I posted for some help...meanwhile Ill see if I can find anything for you....

Okay, there is a section if you look under the list of forums at the top under announcements...then go into "notable posts" then "notable posts/thread"...if you look down the list there is a section called "sample No contact letters"...its just old but has some examples.

Also Fred has an example a few threads down "Help with NC letter, Please"


You should get the book "Surviving an affair" by Dr Harley...and start reading about recovery and Plan A, unfortunately I never got there so I am not very good at the recovery part...but if WH has agreed to NC and to work on the M...then maybe you should get him on here, or talk to Dr. Harley for counseling...just at least start reading, reading, reading about recovery and Plan A on here, K?

I agree that the renewed contact means you should expose.
Tell OW's H that they renewed contact.
I think H's parent know about renewed contact but if they don't, tell them too.
Find OW's parents and tell them.
Ask your H to write the NC letter and let YOU mail it.

Change all your phone numbers and have them unlisted -- cell, land, everything.
Get your WH to put a rule on his email that will forward anything from OW directly to you, or delete it so that he never sees it (NOT put it in the waste basket, but DELETE it).

Tell WH that you want to attend a MB weekend and that you expect his full active participation. There's a link to them at the bottom of the page. It's in red and it says "Seminars"

You need to read up on love busters and get rid of them. When you follow him around fussing and nagging and yelling you are practically throwing him out the door and into OW's arms. Yes, I know it is hard. I know you have a right to be angry. But you never have a right to lovebust.

Do your children know? Tell them, too.
Parents hate to look bad in the eyes of their children.

When you expose it is NOT for revenge. It is to solicit support of the marriage. Something along the lines of
"WH and OW are having an affair. I love him dearly and desire nothing more than to right the wrongs in our marriage so that it is stronger than ever before. This hurts like I have never been hurt before. Do you have any advice for me?"