Hello all, this is Zenwolf. I spent months on this forum garnering incredible insight and love and support from this community. I wanted to let you all know, over a year from when I began, how it's all coming out. Last year was THE WORST year of my life, and one of the best.

I am divorced. I went beyond all reasonable measures, I gave until I had nothing left to give and then I kept giving. I took her back something like 8 times, until this was the only choice left. I asked her to leave and filed for divorce. Amazingly, I have come to view this as a gift. I look at my ex with clarity, compassion, objectivity, and sadness. The sadness has subsided into acceptance for the most part. I could not IMAGINE being with her again. I see her as a deeply wounded person who doesn�t know how to find happiness and is not equipped with the tools to fix the deep problems in her life. I'm grateful for the opportunity to learn and grow and to realize that I deserve so much more. I�m grateful to have my children and to realize I am a far better parent and will be the primary influence on their early life.

The divorce took a long time. It was very simple, but she dragged it out. I asked for about 75% custody, the house and everything in it, ZERO contact with the OM, and about $600 a month in child support. She had been pretty remorseful from the beginning, but also, I think she just wanted to go live free. This meant leaving her beautiful children of 4 and 5 years old, a beautiful house I built for us and a husband who is as good as they get. She agreed to sign my settlement, but dragged it out longer and longer. After a few months, she told me she was leaving the OM, moving out of his apartment, and started hinting at wanting to come back. I told her I couldn't, but that I appreciated her remorse and that I thought this was a good step toward healing. Turns out she was lying and had not left the OM, but was 'taking a break'. Anyway, that was the final thread of respect snapping for me, and I just let her go in my heart and my mind. If I never saw her again, that'd be just great. She has since said she left the OM for good because he is not good for her kids. I have no idea if it's true. Don't care too much. After trying to come back for a bit longer, with me telling her to let me go, she gave up (probably met someone else). After dragging her feet a bit longer about the financials (not the custody?!) she finally signed and made it official. I got everything I asked for.

I have started dating. When the ex found out, she flipped out. Totally nuts. She admitted that it was unfounded, but I guess the craziness is always going to be there. I went on a lot of platonic dates, and slowly got my feet under me. It's been an excellent experience where I have learned and grown and have been able to spot many red flags. I am now just dating one woman and I am quite happy. I have no idea what to expect from this relationship. Mostly, I just try to make sure I am treated with care, that I give without strings, and that thoughtfulness and respect are the cornerstones of our interactions. At this point, I cannot see marrying again. I know this may just be fear and pain talking, but the balance I�m maintaining now suits me just fine. My children have no idea that there is a romantic figure in my life because I keep the two worlds separate.

Spiritually, physically and emotionally, I feel more alive, more healthy, more wise and more like me than I ever have. My friends and family all notice the change. Some of it is natural when you no longer work to blend the two into one for marriage�s sake. But also, I think I gave too much of myself to make someone into something she wasn�t. In some ways I didn�t know any better at age 24, in other ways, I always knew. The primary lessons for me have been to value myself far more, and to treat someone as they are, not as I wish they would be. This second one is hard. I want to thank everyone here. I am so sorry for those who are just beginning this journey. The betrayal is the ultimate hurt. If you commit to growing and thriving no matter what, you will come through this a happier, healthier, renewed person whether it is with your marriage renewed, or happily in the rear-view-mirror.

-Adam

May peace and joy be yours, at last.

You sound good Zen. Take care of yourself and those kidlets.

Hi Zen, Thank you for the feedback.

Never say never about marriage. I hope that in the future you will find your Eve!

Excellent news, Zen. Say hi to your brother , Airwolf. Hope he is out of rehab.

Always great to hear these kinds of updates. You sound like you are in a good place Zen. You are putting the kiddos first and that is the way it should be. Coho will probably never figure it out unfortunately.

Thanks for the update. We know there is life on the other side, we just need to hear about it from time to time.

I feel as though your words will be my words when my D is done. Finding your self again, living joyfully, being an awesome parent, moving beyond the betrayal...

Nothing like taking a few steps out of the fire to see what was really going on with WS.

Take care and continue to post.

Take care Zen. You sound well. It was good hearing from you. We have people drop off and sometimes I wonder what happened to them...

Lovely to hear from you ZenWolf.

Congratulations on your recovery, which looks to be going great.

I am so pleased that things are going well for you and am thankful that you remain such a strong person in your childrens' lives as primary carer.

Well done you for coming out the other side of such dreadful betrayal as a better and stronger person. I wish you well.

Thanks everyone! I'll check in occasionally. It's hard to read accounts of fresh betrayals and the poor betrayed spouses clamoring with all their might to save what is so meaningful to them. Coming through the other side, I must admit that I feel like I was trying to save something that was broken beyond repair. It took this process of Plan A and false recoveries to basically pulverize my ability to keep trying. The elegant theme through this whole ordeal? If you give your marriage and your Plan A everything you possibly can, you will come through with a renewed marriage, or you will be able to let go with a feeling of absolution. I think it's hard to hear when you're fighting so hard to save your marriage, but I thank my lucky stars every day that I don't have to wake up with someone who abused my love and trust so severely. I'm pretty sure I will never give that to someone again. Who knows, the more you invest, the more you want to fight to preserve it. Sometimes letting go is the healthiest option. We'll see how I feel in a few years!

Hey Zen...glad to hear from you.

If you do want to tag this site from time to time, and not subject yourself to the fresh betrayal stories, why don't you try to visit the MB 101 board? If you're in a new relationship, that board could be a good place to ask questions as you go about forming a healthy romantic relationship.

Glad to hear you and the kids are doing well.

Question for you all: I am allowing Coho to come to my house to put the kids to bed two nights a week. I leave the house, she makes dinner and puts them to bed. It's a crap arrangement, I know, but here was the reasoning. She was living with the OM until a few months ago. I was adamant about the kids not being around him, she insisted she had no other place to host them overnight, and felt this would be best for them until she did. This as opposed to carting them around during her evenings. I know that I can always put my foot down and say NO. At first I felt this would ensure their welfare and their transition to their mother not being at home. Problem is, she's not doing much to change it. Says she can't afford her own place, is trying her hardest. The divorce settlement says she can host them at her own place, NO OM, or at her mother's place which is about 40 minutes away. I can always enforce this, but I have this fear that she will see them even less, and that she'll just have this constant state of upheaval with the kids.

On the flip side, it's ridiculous that I allow her into my house. The kids don't have a very clear picture about our divorce, this does nothing to serve my needs.

I know the obvious answers. Get her out, let her figure out her own time with her kids. If she doesn't want a life with her children, don't give it to her, the children can sense it. But it's not that simple. I would like to hear some constructive thoughts, 2x4s whatever. Just want some good advice.

Actually it doesn't sound like a bad arrangement. You need a break from the kids too. As long as she isn't drinking on those nights. You could take a hard line on this, but I'm not sure what you would be winning. The kids get to sleep in their own beds, thats good. There is the risk of your wife trying to start back up with you. Until she does that, it may be best to deal with the way things are now.

She tried to get back with me for a couple months, then just stopped. Not sure if it was because I asked her to stop or because she found someone new. Yesterday I went to meet her new guy, to let him know that I do want my children forming attachments to random men and that I would do anything in my power to protect them from an unhealthy situation. I wanted so badly to warn him of what he was getting himself into. She said he knows the truth. Hmmmm.

Thanks Ouch, sleeping in their beds is best, and yes, it gives me more control of my kids' lives, but having her at my house really stinks. This has been the arrangement for about 6 months. It works OK, but I am inevitably sad coming home to a house with her in it. I'm not sure it encourages her to get her act together either, and to finally accept the consequences of her actions. I feel like I'm solving her problems for her once again.

It's a pretty tough scenario either way.

Hey Zen,

I couldnt believe my eyes when I saw your name pop up on the who's online thing.

Thank you for the update. I am sorry Coho is still messing with you. Sadly whether we like it or not ex's are a part of our lives, at least until the kids grow up.

Given the very young age of your kids, i think the current sitch is best for them. I know it is hard for you... but the kids have to come first. They will in time understand the dynamics of what is going on and will realise what daddy is doing for them and what mummy was not and is not.

That's what I would advise. You are letting her problems become your problems. She's likely not going to be driven to do anything about them in such a situation.

Hi Lil!

Yes, kids are first in everything. It's easier to do when you're not crippled by the fallout of your spouse's affair, lemme tell ya! The arrangements are not going to change any time soon. Some pretty good talks with Coho lately. Dunno how substantive her change will be, but she is still extremely remorseful and missing her life with our family. Insists she is a changed woman. It's very sad. Most of the time I can speak with her without too much emotion, but it's always right beneath the surface so I have to be careful.

Oh, my New Zealand trip was AMAZING! Flew into Christchurch, drove up to Murchison and fished for a week, catching gigantic trout, then over to Hokitika on the West coast and on down to the glaciers and the Fjordlands, then inland to Queenstown. I cannot say enough about how wonderful your country is.