DH is out of hte country and wont beback till feb 6 I was at my friends house having some wine and my friend had to go out to run some errands and I stayed with the husband who is my firend as well, so we started talking and one thing led to another and welll you know.

I don't know what I'm asking I'm in total freak out mode I cannot believe I did this.

Seems rather odd that you would cheat on your H and with your friend's H. Do you have psych issues? Is there a pattern of cheating in your life?
You need to tell your friend and H so the betrayed spouses can decide if they want out, IMO.

Yea one thing led to another, he tripped and his weiner fell in you, over and over.

So sad...that is YOU are so sad.

I was drunk it was a mistake it won happen again, i have never cheated, my worst fear is that my firend finds out.

Worst fear is your friend finds out? Don't care if your husband finds out?

he won't find out I love him and telling him will only hurt him obviusly I know it was wrong and I'm looking for help here.

Not sure what drinking has to do with it. Unless you were unconcious, this was fully voltional.
Despite your pledge to never do this again, your H and the other BS do need to know, don't you think? You need to get tested for STDs, now and refrain from sex with your H until you get a clean bill of health. Same for your friend's H.
It's is unfair to your H to allow him to stay in the marriage under false pretenses. He needs to know so he can decide if he wants out, now. Wouldn't you want to know?

He WILL find out, you can believe that. My wife didn't think I'd find out, but I did, 21 years later.

Karma is a beeatch, and it will follow you and he will find out, trust me.

Seriously even taking out the moral issue re fraud on your spouse, consider the health risks.
If your friend's H was willing to have sex with you, imagine what he has done in the past. You are exposing your H to every partner that guy has had if you have sex with your H now.

No I wouldn't want to know if it's a one time thing, besides this people are my closest firends we do everything together I don't want to lose them as friends. I don't want my husband out of the marriage, it will terrible hurt our marriage if he were to find out wich he won't.

Lok

Do you feel you really have a choice? If you're looking for someone on this site to help you hide what's happened you're in the wrong place.

If you had takin sometime to read the info here and surfed some of these threads you would know this.

Suggest you do that first before you insult everybody here. Then maybe you'd come back with th right questions and attitude.

No, you already hurt him in the worst possible way; he just doesn't know it yet.

Your M may not survive this, but the only chance you have to truly recover from this is to tell your husband and your now-ex-friend.

Then you need to go No Contact from your ex-friend and her husband.

Keep reading here, too, and learn about the plan you need to follow to recover personally, if not maritally.

Well, then how do you plan on explaining the refraining from sex while you get tested. I think you need about 6months for the clean bill of health. Some of these diseases have an incubation period.

You have already lost your friends.

So has your BH.

Your choice.

You keep saying he won't find out, thats rich.

You write like you're a Filipina...hmm.

You want help.

H needs to know, ASAP.

You've just put the first brick in the wall separating the two of you, don't keep adding more.

This is why my FWW and I have extraordinary protections in place, to prevent this from happening.

We don't allow ourselves to drink unless we are both togethor.
We don't allow ourselves to have members of the opposite sex in the house while the other is away.
We don't allow ourselves to give car rides or meals with the opposite sex.
We don't discuss our M with other people
We make sure we share passwords to FB and MS.

We sat down once we started posting on MB and figured every which way temptation could endanger our M and put our own boundaries to prevent situations like this. You and your H need to do the same thing.

My FWW tried the "one thing led to another"

I'm sorry I do not need help hiding anything, if he finds out I'll deal with that but I won't tell him I love I don't want to hurt him. I'm looking for help probably this is the wrong place, It is not my intention to insult anyone I just realized I made the worst mistake fo my life and need some help dealing with it.

You're being told what to do, you're looking for someone to help you hide what you did.

I'm from latin america why does it matter anyways.

It will be worse if you hide it. He will be upset, no doubt.
But, you do not have the right to play God with his heatlh and self determination.

It will help to read Dr Harley's perspective on As, whether ONS or long term relationship. Start READING!

The other wife will figure out her husband banged you, then the cats out of the bag. It will get to your husband, and then he will have a BIG problem, finding out from someone else.

You deal with it by admitting to and owning your hurtful behavior. Not to a bunch of strangers. To the people you actually did this to, your H and your friend.

Would you want to know if your H banged your friend? Or would you prefer to continue hanging out with her, completely oblivious to what goes on behind your back?

And I refuse to believe I lost 12 years of friendship over this [censored] mistake I get it I know how wrong it is as for the testing I can get blood draw today DH wont be coming back till feb 6.

Screwing your best friend's husband is what will hurt him, but that didn't stop you, did it.
Confess to your BH and your friend. Today.

I'm telling you, your friend will somehow find out her husband cheated...then find out its you....then it will get back to your husband.

What a tangled web we weave....

Get the testing asap. What about your friend's need to be tested>? She's been exposed to you and your H's sexaul history , now. And, if her H was willing to have sex with her friend, can you imagine the types of relationships he has been willing to have in the past? Your friend needs to know that her H is promiscuous, so she can protect her health.

Why were you alone with your friend's H in the first place? If she went to the store, why did you stay? Anyway, having S with one's H doesn't just happen, and it wasn't the alcohol that made you do it. Obviously, you and the H had already crossed some emotional boundaries before he accidently slipped his pecker in you. You need to stay away from this woman and her H. You are not her friend. You are a threat to their M.

It doesn't matter where you're from. Adultery is the same all over the world.

So is the healing process - including telling the people you have already terribly hurt, having no contact whatsoever with your OP, and putting boundaries in place to protect your M in the future.

That isn't what you wanted to hear, but it's the only right way.

Not telling and hoping they don't find out is a slow death by infection.

Honey, I've drunk plenty in my years. And I have NEVER screwed some woman's H. Never even been tempted. Offers? Yeah, I've had them. I've never accepted them. Accept the fact that you bedded your friend's H because you wanted to.

how is that marriage building, my husband will divorce me if he finds out I want to stay married.

Slow death by infection....exactly. Their marriage is forever changed and won't be healthy, if it ever was, until its all in the open.

Check the sentance structure and "i's". How can someone who registered yesterday know ALL THE abreviations .sp?

Hello? This one is a softball.......mods? How many times is this troll going to post here?

She didn`t mwent to the store she had to go meet with her boss i couldn`t go withher she said I should stay and she would be abck in an hour wich she was.

Okay, time for a former wayward to chime in here.

You may not want to hear this lokil, but your friendship is over. Refuse to believe it if you must, but if you truly love your H and want to heal your M, you will cut off all ties with your friend and her H, write a NC (no contact) letter to the OM (other man), never see or speak to him again for as long as you live, and put all of your heart and soul into your M. Tell your H and tell him now. Tell him that you love him and that you will do everything necessary to heal his heart and fix your M.

That's the only way. The longer you hide this from him and lie to him, the worse it will be. It will become a cancer that eats you alive. There's no way you can have a healthy M and keep this secret from your H. I'm sorry, there just isn't.

Go out and get yourself a copy of Dr. Harley's book, "Surviving an Affair." It will show you the way to heal the terrible damage you have already done to your M. The truth will not damage your relationship with your H. Your A has already done that.

If you really want to fix this, there is a way. The question is, are you willing to take the necessary steps?

You're already said you don't want to deal with it. You want us to tell you how you can keep it to yourself and be able to live with it. You either step up and become a person of integrity, admit what you've done and accept the consequences or live your life with a horrible dirty secret that will eat you alive and be 1,0000 times worse when it's found out later.

If you choose to keep this from the betrayed spouses, you are basically stealing their lives from them. This is huge.

The only way to cleanse yourself it to repent. It will be hard but you'll actually be doing yourself a favor in the long run.

Your first statement cancels out the other two.

You HAVE lost 12 years of friendship. You can resist the advise you're given here; that's your choice. But hiding this will not lead to the result you want. It will only get worse and worse and worse.

We would spare you, and your already-wounded BH that additional suffering if we could. It's up to you, though, not any of us.

If you want to keep it a secret then just don't tell him....he will NEVER find out, lol.

Listen sister, this is a tough crowd. We've all been through it, or are going through it now, so you are hearing from those that have 'been there, done that'.

Lots of experience speaking here, (the group in general).

Barbie, I wondered about using the 'BH' right off the bat as newbys don't usually do so.

Just because you refuse to believe it doesn't mean it ain't so.

Your selfishness in not owning up to the BIGGEST mistake of your life by not coming clean and being FAIR to everyone involved is really quite disgusting. If you are hiding it this time, you will hide it in the future when it happens again.

Right now you have a chance to save your M. By hiding it and allowing your H to find out later, you drastically reduce your chances. Your call.

Sigh. What is with trolls? No real life to speak of? No one meeting their emotional needs?

I used DH dear husband, i used it in other forums, and my english sucks because its my second langauge I speak spanish.

Oops, I meant DH I think.

Read. Sounds like the "dropped my baby" guy.
that would be manofth3year4567.

Compare.

sigh we are Tryng to concieve and I participate in a forum for womenn trying to get pregnant thats where i got the DH.

:::head scratch::: then why are you on an English-speaking forum?

Snif, Snif....


Ya'll smell that?


Thats a TROLL!

because, i didn`t find a forum about infidelity in spanish.

You mean manoftheyear...I was wondering why you said Laur, I checked into that one and did not see one similarity, LOL!

sigh...

thanks for your help...

I think she sounds slightly more intelligent and educated than our uber-rich surgeon.

Lokil: If you want people to take you seriously, how about providing a little more background. How long have you been married? How old are you? Any children?

we have been married for 14 months Im 29 dh is 37 no children yet we are trying.

Yeah, right.

Tell you what, lokil: You asked for advice and you got it.

This isn't the "hide the affair from spouse" forum. This is Marriage Builders. If you truly want to build a marriage after doing the worst possible thing one can do to it, you've got a lot of reading and a lot of 'splaining to do.

how the hell I`m supossed to build my marriage if my husband divorces me and he will if he finds out infidelity is a deal breaker for him.

Infidelity is a deal breaker? He must be a jerk.

Lokil: I certainly hope you used protection last night. Probably not, since drunken one-night stands rarely involve the use of protection. If you get really lucky, you won't end up pregnant with the OM's baby.

14 months and you're already cheating? This doesn't bode well for your chances of recovery, I'm afraid.

So, are you listening to any of this? Are you going to tell your H the truth? Are you going to write a NC letter and stay away from the OM and your friend? Because, if not, I've got work to do and I'd like to get back to it.

He will find out.

Hard to get your wife pregnant when you are out of the country.

well if you must know the details we did not used protection we are both married and monogamus so it didnt seem necesary but there wasn`t any time to become pregnant anyways my friend came home before that.

Your H has the right to kick you to the curb. You knew that before you dropped your pants for OM. That doesn't mean you get to hide this crime from him.

he`s only been out of the country for a month.

???

Came home before what? You said you slept with the guy. The last time I checked, that was all that was necessary for a pregnancy to occur.

monogamous....? OMG

You just need to come clean with EVERYONE...and deal with the fallout....we can help you and your Betrayed Husband with rebuilding your M after you do that, but otherwise you are on your own.

Welcome, Lokil. If you are for real and you are serious about svaing your M, I would suggest that you spend some time reading everything on this site including some other threads. Many BS on this site including myself said that adultery was a deal breaker too and ended up with fully recovered Ms that were more loving and open and honest than pre A. Dr Harley is included in that company that says an A would be the end of his M.

Even if your BH never finds out, if you have any kind of a consience at all, the guilt will eat you alive and eventually destroy your M especially if you continue the friendship with your poor friend and her cheating H.

MB is your best chance to save your M after the "mistake" you made last night. Don't bring a child into this deceitful mess without fixing it.

God's Blessings,

Say

he didn`t finish so no chance to get pregnant.
Yeah I guess monogamus wasnt the right word but neither he or I have cheated before.

you don't have to 'finish' to get preggo, as you prolly know.

So, his wife came home in the middle of the act before he had a chance to "finish" and you honestly think she doesn't know something's up?

And yeah, "finishing" isn't necessary to get pregnant.

No food from me.

She didn`t know we heard the door and got dressed before she came in we had dinner and watched a movie after that.

Um, he didn't finish so there is LESS of a chance you got pregnant.

Not to be too graphic, but pre-emissions can contain semen, just at much lower levels. All it takes is one.

Infidelity was always a deal-breaker for me, too, till it actually happened. It turned out I didn't want to throw away 9 years of my life and a secure home for our 3 children, as long as he was willing to repent.

Chances are not nearly as good for a new M with no children, however they are higher for couples that are truthful with each other than for those who try (and ultimately fail) to keep secrets. The truth will always come out eventually.

Give me your food.

I haven't read this whole thread. I really don't have to. You must tell your H and friend - PERIOD. I am a FWW, so I know this. It isn't about whether it would hurt him to know. You already hurt him. He deserves to know. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars. Tell your H. And do not say you didn't mean to. This is serious. Not an oops. Truth is the only hope you have right now. Yes, it is hard. But it is RIGHT.

Wow, you dress fast.

So, after half-way banging your H's friend, you then ate dinner and watched a movie with her?

With friends like this, who needs enemies?

I think you're right lurioosi. I take my Monopoly very seriously too.

Okay, I may not exactly be the "Sherlock Holmes" of MB, but LAST NIGHT, she has a drunken romp with her good friend's H, and yet she's up first thing this morning, tapping away on MB? What exactly does one google, post-romp, to get to MB? (Rhetorical question, actually...)

Sorry, I'm with Fred-O, Gack and Barbie on this one.

I'm still following, though. My guess is that since BH is "away" until Feb. 6th, or whenever, we'll be seeing a lot more filler posts, creative writing, and non-activity. (And no, smart-alecks, you don't need to chime in by saying that sounds a lot like TB's thread......)

I'll keep playing, though. As you were.....

TB

I am so oblivious to figuring out who the trolls are, I guess I am gullible. You guys are good at it. What is goin on here lately. Its like the boy who cried wolf, then when someone really needs the help it is hard to believe them. Its just not right.

I feel terrible for what I did to my friend she is a dear friend and I wouldn`t do anything to hurt her it was a mistake if I could go back in time I would have not had sex with him.

Yea so they were all drinking wine before the wife went out for a business meeting. So she must not have been too worried about impressing the other person, her boss you said?

And yes, you guys were not in the living room she came home, you heard her shut the door and you guys got dressed and both came out from a back room, and she wasn't like, 'hmm, whats up with that'?

After I came home I slept and woke up at 4 am crying when I rememeberd what I did, all my friends in real life will be very harsh on me if I tell them I had no one to talk to I have been looking on resources on how to save my marriage after infidelity.

We are telling you how...you must come clean with EVERYONE...that is the ONLY way to save your marriage....are you planning on doing that?

80 Replies and rising. As of a couple minutes ago 27 of the 115 people (23.4%) on the forum were tuning in.

Good job!

Trolls typically have some short, flashy story designed to get everybody all het up, argifying, and riled. They keep much concealed, and just feed out little bits here and there to keep the flames a-bilin'.

Sometimes a genuine newby comes along and sounds just like that. More often than not it's a troll, but once in a while it's for real.

Personally, I don't mind giving briefly of my time no matter which sort it is, and I don't rile easy. With the little educational comment about spermies, I pretty much used up the last of my good advice till (if/when) some genuinely new development takes place.

I'm purty good at NC letters...

> my marriage after infidelity

You don't save something by building upon a lie.

we were in their room because that`s where they have their computer, and they were showing me some of the designs they made, so she didn`t think anything about that. Her boss is her friend too they were discussiong some projects for this week, she was going to ask him to come to the house after for some more wine but he couldnt make it.

The damage is done...its like running someone over with your car and killing them...pretty soon the rotting body in the closet is gonna start smelling and EVERYONE will know...

Take the consequences NOW, not later...that is the only way to save your marriage.

I dont want to lose my friends I dont want to lose my marriage I wish I could make this thing go away.

Good analogy, SH.

I wish I were taller with long legs.

Okay, but you can't wish it away. So, now what?

We understand this. But by keeping this secret, you are making choices for your husband and friend that are not yours to make. Once they find out about this, the resentment will grow bigger the longer you've kept the secret.

You ARE already making this worse by not saying anything.

To top it off, you are being VERY selfish and unsympathtic towards two people you CLAIM you care for. What about THEIR needs and wants? Do you not love them?

If you have no intention of telling your H or your friend why the h377 are you posting here?

I do care about them thats why I dont want to hurt them, If my husband cheated and it was a one time thing I wouldnt want to know it would hurt me deeply and I dont htink i could trust him again.

I quit. At the very least, Lokil, you are morally bankrupt and devoid of conscience if you could continue your M and this friendship without coming clean.

God's Blessings,

Say

I don`t know what im doing here I guess I was looking fo people with similar expiriences who would tell me it wouold all be ok but i guess nothing is going to be ok after this.

Thanks D...were you the one with the peeing in the wind analogy...well that is the one I was trying to beat.

Here, here. You've been given advice. Until you start to listen to some of it, there's really no point in continuing this discussion. Good luck to you.

I wish I was younger, Pep.

God's Blessings,

Say

It might be...but maybe not right now and definitly not if you brush it under the rug.

>I dont want to hurt them

Too late. You've already done this. They just don't know it yet.

>I dont htink i could trust him again.

Since you've never been in that position, you are not qualified to make that statement.

I, too, used to think I would not stand for a mate that cheated.

No way, now how.

I was wrong.

You might be wrong too, but it's mightily high handed of you not to give your husband the CHOICE to make decisions about his own life.

You've wounded him badly, and he has no idea that he's bleeding out. Continued bleeding (not telling) WILL be the death of your marriage. Telling MIGHT give it a fighting chance.

Same with your friend.

I wish I was a multi millionaire sitting on the back of a SunSeeker Predator, sipping a Margareta and listening to Jimmy-Buffet.

http://www.sunseeker.com/performance-motor-yachts/predator108.php

All right, one more, but that's it.

You were looking for people to tell you it's okay to have a ONS and lie to your H about it for the rest of your life?

Dealan-de,

You were the 100th poster on the thread! Do you get a prize?

That's not true, honey.

Like many waywards, you are painting the world with YOUR OWN brush and not seeing it for what it really is.

My husband did the same thing.

Waywards tend to see the worst of every situation because they feel they've done the worst.

It's a good hair day, too.

I wish I was a famous writer living in a lovely little hut on some tropical beach sipping fruity beverages with little umbrellas in them and reading a good book while my H fans me with palm fronds and feeds me chocolate-dipped strawberries.

No I was looking for advice on how to deal with it but the only advice i`ve been given is to hurt the people that I love and porbably lose them from my life, It was a mistake a very bad mistake.

...am I the only one content with what they have?

YOU'VE ALREADY HURT THEM.

Geesh.

Can you not see that?

She can have my crocodile lugagge I won on another thread. I'm not giving up the year supply of Rice-O-Roni.

Yup, here it is....

Let me tell you a truth here that you are failing to see. You will hurt him MORE by not telling him the truth. I kept my A a secret from my H for many years. When he found out and your H WILL find out he was more angry about the lies than he was about the A itself. He was devastated that he had to find out from someone other than me. On top of that you can no longer be friends with this couple. Your friend and your H will be extremely hurt, angry and feel duped by both you and the OM if you continue this fraud of a friendship. You will be much less likely to stay married if your H finds out you slept with another man and then expected him to shake this man's hand.

On top of the above your M will not thrive because you will be building a wall of lies around you to protect your secret. There will never be true intimacy in your M until you own up to what you did.

BR - keep your croc luggage. Poor crocs needed their skins, too.

I AM CONTENT with my red luggage. I'll only share it with the Wookie and Pep (cos I love her JUST like I love that luggage).

So lokil

Are you now beginning to realise that honesty is the only way forward?

How will you tell your H? Will you tell him before your friend?

What would you have done if you knew someone else had slept with your friends H and that he was still seeing her (if only as a friend) frequently?

Wow .... can DH and I string along? All expenses paid???

Mmmmph...I smell something rotting on this thread.

Only FOUR crew???

Peasants.

Darn it!

I was aiming for that honor! I was thinking it would earn me, I don't know, maybe a year's supply of Turtle Wax and couple of tickets to see 'Dexy's Midnight Runners' at 'Curly's Crab Shack'......

Well, maybe next time. Regardless, Congrat's to Dealan-De.

TB

Leave the turtles out of it, BT. They're even harder off than the crocs.

No animals were harmed in the making of the jokes told on this thread.

(sheepish - he!)

I've been watching too much Planet Green.

My brain was harmed...

Sure!!
Me and FWW would be glad to have you as our guests

What can I say, I'm a simple man with simple wants

Can you invite Jimmy Buffett too?

Are there really turtles it that there uh turtle wax?

No one dun told me dat..

Yes, there are turtles in turtle wax.

And baby powder is made from real babies.

lokil,
Let me tell you if I may, how this could turn out if you ignore what these good folks are telling you.

My Fww was much like you in that she had no intension of ever telling me of her A with her boss. The a was over and like you, she was convinced I would never find out. She even asked her OM if he had any STD's. Unbelievably shocking, HE LIED!!!!!

Within six months of the a ending, guess who was forming, shall we say, peculiarities on the private part of my body. Of course, I was absolutely sure it could not be an STD as my Fww of 32 years would never ever do that to me and our M.

After telling my wife of this strange growth, she actually encouraged me to make an appt with my friend and family physician and put this anxiety to rest. So I made the appt.

The very day I was schedueld, she contacted her OM and asked and insisted on the whole truth re his health. He finally admitted that he had that disease but had taken care of it years earlier(duhhhh!).

Now my Fww was in PANIC MODE, as she began to realize that I may indeeed have an STD and she KNEW I had been faithful. If I wasn't, then I would be trying to hide it.

My friend and family physician who knew and treated my entire family for over 20 years, took one look and declared "You have and HPV infection." MY knees buckled and he had to grab me and sit me in the chair. He looked at me and said have you been.... and I answered NO! His only reply was Oh, i'm so sorry. I asked if there was any chance he was wrong, considering what was at stake. He just shook his head and said "no."

When I left that office I went to a liquor store and purchased a bottle, got home and proceeded to get drunk. I had lost what I felt was my whole life that day, why preserve the 16 years of sobriety?? Nothing mattered anymore.

Had the big talk with Fww and she broke down in tears, admitted some of what had occured(claimed it was a drunken ons, only to find out the full extent years later) and we went into a wait and see mode, not knowing if we could now save our M.

What these folks are telling you is true, it hurt 1000 times more finding out the way I did. Is this what you would risk your BH facing down the road.

The only solution and help for this is honesty. Without it, this will be a festering wound for the rest of your M.

Have courage,

All Blessings,
Jerry

Don't even get me started on the letter I wrote the the Girl Scout Council.

Ewwwww...I am learnin soo much from dis here marriage website

Der waaat??!!!

But...if you were taller...with long legs...wouldn't that make you really, really tall?

You mean you aren't???

I think a lot of animals were harmed by this thread.

Okay. So now you know the little secret. It isn't going to be okay. You've rewritten all your marital rules, now. All by your selfish little self. And you don't even respect your BH enough to let him know that everything he thought was right and safe about his marriage is a lie.

Don't expect my vote for Wife of the Year. Don't expect my sympathy, either, if you plan to snow your H over this terrible crime that you have committed against him.

I'm out of popcorn.

Do I get a year's supply of popcorn if I'm the 200th poster on this thread?

I think all our talks of honesty freaked her right outta here.

I am not a monster,I'm a person who made a horrible drunken mistake our marriage is good and we are very in love with eachother, thank you all for your advice i have some thinking and reading to do.

YOU ARE NOT A MONSTER.

You are very scared by all the "what ifs" you've set up in your brain, but you really really shouldn't let what you "think" will happen make your choices for you or your husband or friend.

Okay, but I assume you aren't drunk right now, and you continue to make horrible mistakes such as thinking you can hide this from your H or that you can go on being friends with the OM and his wife.

Get "Surviving an Affair." Read over everything on this site. It's the only hope you have of saving your M.

And there are real tigers in Tiger Balm

You made a horrible mistake which you are compounding by not being truthful. BTW, did it not occur to you that OM might tell his wife? You see when more than 1 person knows a secret it increases the odd exponentially that the "secret" will be told.

You don't need to be taller, you are adorable just the way you are.

And your legs are just long enough to reach the floor.

Oh, now that I already new, TM...My hairdresser has a cousin thats friend knows a guy that wrangles up theme there tigers to uhhhhh...... balm.

I think it was all the endangered animals.

Think of it this way. You got drunk and drove, and you killed/maimed a pedestrian. Luckily, you managed to leave before the police came. It was a deserted road, so they might not ever find you.

Now you have walked into a meeting of M.A.D.D. and said, "I didn't mean to. I won't ever do it again. I'll get into trouble if I tell the police." What do you think you will hear???

Here are the things you must do:

1. Tell your H, and take full responsibility for what you did
2. Tell you friend, then never ever contact her or her H again
3. Buy and read SAA

Do the above, and you may be able to restore your marriage and yourself. You think you can just make this go away, but if you have a conscience, it won't. I thought I could just try to be a good wife and never have to tell. But I couldn't. And the greatest thing a dear friend ever said to me after I finally broke and told her (I had to tell SOMEONE) was "You have to tell your H, luri." I tried to argue; she wouldn't budge. She was right. Do the right thing.

Lokil when tou took the pounding from your friends husband you pounded the knife right in the middle of your husband and your friends back. You would nt want your friend to pound your husband and you not be told so you could live the lie,would you? If this was a true mistake then its time to fess up,if you dont it will make it easier to do it again when your drunk,lonely or horney. Take the knife out so that the TRUE healing can begain!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They are my best friends and we have a little business together.

Also i could not make any desicions for my firends husband, she owns the place they live in and she could kick him out and then he wouldn't a place to live.

I don't want this thing destroy my life.

I still have no made any desicions yet right now I have hte hangovre form hell and may not be thinking clearly.

lokil,

As you may have gathered, you will not get help here to lie to your husband...Not telling him and your friend is treating them like they are your PETS...Can you see why that is wrong?

You understand that if you continue to see the OM, it WILL happen again, right? Oh, I know you don't think so - you will tell me "I WILL NEVER, EVER DO THIS AGAIN!!!" You must have a plan - just saying "I won't cheat" is not a plan - That is what you believed before - that didn't work out so well, huh?

Lokil, what is your PLAN?

Hint: It must include telling your betrayed husband, your betrayed friend and having no contact with OM FOR LIFE...Seriously that is the ONLY way...

P.S. I wish we lived ~~~> HERE It's for sale too, and the price has been REDUCED! It was $45,000,000 and now it is ONLY $28,000,000! SEE??? What a bargain, huh? Psssst Gack, it's in GEORGIA! If you let Mr. W and I tag along on your boat, we'll let you store it at our "crib" AND play golf on our private course - watch movies in our theater [modeled after The Fox], play in our "Train Room" [modeled after The Georgia Railroad], play in our "simulated golf room"...ride our horses - play in our bowling alley, etc...

How the hell I stop seeiing my best friends for life seriously. it was a mistake a really stupid one, I wont be spending any time alone with him anymore.

I have no plan right now my plan is to get out of bed eventually and take a shower.

Oh, take our word for it: after you confess your crime to his W there's a good chance the decision will be made for you - by HER.

I see. Your friendship and business is more important than your marriage. So why are you here?

I see. Your friends and the home they have is more important than your home and marriage. So why are you here?

You should have thought of that BEFORE you decided to "get jiggy" with someone other than your husband.

You haven't been thinking clearly for quite a while. And that much is clear.

You lack of plans and boundries is what got you into this mess.

Wake up and make a PLAN.

Lokil...

Sorry to tell you that you should have thought of that BEFORE you committed adultery...ALL of your CHOICES have CONSEQUENCES...You chose this - don't forget that...I feel sad for your BH and BF who didn't choose this, but will suffer the consequences nonetheless...

Mrs. W

In case you havn't noticed I feel like [censored] already no need to make me feel worse.

Restoring your integrity should take a higher priority than your feelings.

I hate to say this to another woman, but you are wallowing in self pity and it is VERY unbecoming.

YOU did this. NOW FACE IT LIKE A HUMAN BEING SHOULD.

Where is your humanity and compassion? Right now it only looks like you only worry about yourself.

YOUR CHOSEN BEHAVIOR is why you feel bad...You will continue to feel HORRIBLE until you tell the truth - FEELINGS FOLLOW ACTIONS...

Honesty is the solution to this, Lokil...

Mrs. W

I've noticed and I also don't see you doing ANYTHING about it yer own darn self.

I'm not making you feel worse. You did that on your own. I'm trying to make you DO something to make this right...but you seem hell bent on wallowing in it.

Part of growing up is realizing that it isn't all about you. Apparently, you haven't reached that stage of maturity yet.

And do not attempt to foist blame for your bad feelings onto me or anyone else on here...you did this all on your own.

Woman up and face it like a REAL HUMAN would or wallow in it like a little girl.

Like the choice to sleep with your friend's husband it is ALL YOURS to make.

You tell her you effed her H, this problem will take care of itself.

Do you usually screw your BFF's husbands? Would YOU want someone to posture themselves as your bff and then eff your H?

Lokil...

You are in a "room" full of people that have been through this on one side or the other...

Notice that we all agree on the solution...

You are the only one that does not agree...

Now, in this "room" full of experience what do you think the odds are of your being right and us being wrong?

Mrs. W

Lokil

I'm picking up real conflict within you. I just can't imagine why you would be hanging around when everyone is telling you the same thing and you are disagreeing.

Do you think there is a chance that we might be right?

When are you going to fess up?

Mrs. W, I have a theory. I have been in a roomful of people who have different morals than I do...and that does not make their morals right.

Unless and until OP accepts a moral right, and the consequences of her beliefs, she will not change.

So I ask: Do You (OP) believe that you are morally right to withhold this information from your H and bff?

I do not want to hurt them. I have no idea waht is morally right but how is telling going to fix it, you all tell me go tell tell and the only result I see if I do that is a huge trainwreck. WHy would I want to cause distress for this people that i care very much about.

I screwed up I get it I just don't want to cause more damage than i have already caused. Anyways I need a few days to think about it.

You will cause more damage if you dont fess up, dont you see? You already hurt them. The damage has already been done.

Lies cause damage. Long term lies compounds pain daily.

Lokil, there are no paths out of here that aren't sh*tty.

Path 1 (hard): confess everything; lose friends; lose business, feel shame; possibly lose husband; feel miserable; huge life shakeup.

Path 2 (tempting): keep quiet; spend rest of marriage feeling uneasy when husband is around those friends; spend rest of marriage fearful of secret being revealed; spend rest of marriage being strained around husband; spend rest of marriage stressed, unhappy and increasingly resentful of husband; quite probably, sleep with friend again or have other affair (happens frequently); eventually, marriage likely to die because of lack of real intimacy OR husband finds out and realises he has been made a fool of for years; feel constantly guilty and ashamed.

Both paths are unattractive. Only one leaves you with personal integrity.

TA

I believe in moral absolutes, maritalbliss...One example : "Adultery is ALWAYS wrong."...What someone else believes does not change TRUTH...

Lokil will meet with the business end of the above named moral absolute eventually - when she does, she will have no doubt about it being THE truth...

Mrs. W

TA - that was wonderful

Lokil,

If I steal all the money from your bank account - that would be ME hurting YOU, right?

Your knowledge of my stealing wouldn't change that the HARM - THE HURT - was done WHEN I chose to steal, would it?

Same principle applies here. YOU ALREADY HURT YOUR HUSBAND AND FRIEND...

Please stop saying "I don't want to hurt them"...THAT is DONE...

Mrs. W

Lokil,

dejando de lado las pavadas que han escrito algunos, te est�n diciendo la verdad. La �nica forma de corregir tu error es decirle a tu marido y a tu mejor amiga lo que ocurri�. Y nunca m�s ver a tu mejor amiga y su marido.

Las consecuencias a largo plazo s�lo posponen las consecuencias y las empeoran con las mentiras que van a tener que aparecer para disimular lo que ocurri�. lo m�s probable es que te vuelvas a acostar con el marido de tu amiga...

Creo que no es lo que quieres, pero es 90% probable que ocurrir�, sino se destapa todo antes por otro lado. Y al final, dejar�s de ser amiga....

segu� leyendo y ver�s que lo que comienza con un error no intencional, si no se corrige, termina en cosas mucho peores. Quer�s ser infiel cuando tengas ni�os y terminar all� en divorcio? Quieres que tu amiga se entere dentro de unos a�os que su marido le ha sido infiel m�ltiples veces por que, total, parece que no tiene consecuencias, ni a�n con alguien que se dice la mejor amiga?

las posibilidades de salvar tu matrimonio son m�ximas ahora con la admisi�n a tu marido y a tu amiga de lo ocurrido. Despu�s disminuyen las posibilidades de que llegues a tener un buen matrimonio con tu marido. Y a largo plazo disminuyen tus posibilidades de cualquier matrimonio exitoso.

Solo las personas que tienen conciencia y buenas intenciones son capaces de buscar soluciones. Si no tuvieras conciencia y moral no hubieras venido aqu�. Te hubiera importado un comino y hubieras empezado esa vida de mentiras y enga�os a la que est�s destinada si no haces lo correcto, como muchas personas a nuestro alrededor.

It's a deal!

And what a bargon!!
At my current income I could pick that up in...lets see here.

Income/Price...Cary the one + time = Never!
Awsome

If you really are real.

You need to tell them.

If you don't, they will eventually find out.
And it will happen again before they find out.

This will be far worse than admitting it now.

LOL! There's always the lottery!

Get this: JUST the master bedroom of that home is 7000 square feet!

bargones. Remember to use the feminine form of the noun.

Gracias ccb. Honestamente no se que hacer, si tengo conciencia y me pesa demasiado, todo es muy reciente voy a esperar a qeu mi marido llegue en febrero para ver mientras tanto voy a hacer lo posible por no ver a mis amigos.

Press one for English.

God's Blessings,

Say

Well you will be causing TONS more damage by LYING to them (lying by omission is still a LIE).

Since when it LYING the best way to deal with something???

Lokil ~ many of us have been here for years, we are in recovered/recovering marriages from ADULTERY. We're pretty d*mn sure we know the best way to heal this.

Lying about it and covering it up has NEVER resulted in a recovered marriage.

Do your homework and read some of the articles on this site to see WHY you need to 'fess up.

lokil, creeme que es mejor decirle a tu marido cuando llegue y luego a tu amiga. En el inter�n no veas a tus amigos.

Mientras tanto en estos d�as que ten�s lee los casos que hay aqu�, y ver�s que todos son m�s o menos iguales....

adulterio es adulterio es infidelidad y creo que tu no quieres ir por ese camino.

cometiste un error. est�s a tiempo de corregir con las m�nimas consecuencias (que no son nada menores por cierto) ahora.

Cuanto m�s tiempo pase, peor va a ser.

te busco algunos casos parecidos?

I think it would be a good thing not to see your friends - tell your husband first. HE is who you owe your honesty to before all others.

We really do want the best for you and your husband, you know.

por favor hasta ahorita no he encontrado ningun caso parecido al mio.

BTW: There are worse things than what you have done, and marriages have survived them AND gone on to thrive.

I promise that there are.

But those marriages that survived and thrived did so by allowing the wounds to air out and heal first.

Your case is not unique.

I would say that up till now, MY story is worse than yours.

I will not coddle you, but I am sorry you are hurting like this.

I know its not unique i was just reading around here and didnt find anything. I know I didn't invented one night stands.

I have to go now.

You get out of bed, eat something, and take a shower. Then get back on here and READ till your eyes cross.

MB saved me and it saved my marriage....and it only did so because I READ everything I could and then I made a plan.

After just reading the first page you need to tell the OMW/your friend and your BH. This needs to be done today. Confessing to a BH is the best way to start recovery.

Also you must have NC with the OM and OMW for ever.

Now I going to read the rest of this thread though I know it will not change my advice.

Well, sins I don't speak Spanish, maybe we could try English?

Or can I start blathering things in Klingon?

Oh, and I actually kinda doubt she is a troll now.
Just bad timing.

thank you.

All Klingons must check their weapons at the door, thank you very much.

I remember there was a case similar to lokil�s. I think it was a military wife who slept with her husband�s friend and she came on here asking what to do. She accepted the advice and was going to tell her husband when he came back which was in a few days...

anyone remember her name or her thread?

She wants to read about similar stories to hers.

Klingon??? Na'Vi is much more chic these days...

Does that include my Bat'leth?

Sex is like basketball: You always dribble before you shoot.

-ol' 2long

tlhIngan maH!

You were!

2long is the winner of the 200th poster prize.

A two week stay at the Cow Palace Best Western in Lamar Colorado!

Mine too...most of them on this board are. And we've survived...and are recovering.

You can too but not the way you are thinking it can be done...

nuqDaq 'oH puchpa''e'

Second prize is a three week stay!

Only 1/4, on my moms side.
The rest is cherokee and Irish.

Down the hall on the right.
Be sure to jiggle the handle when you flush.

July is the time to go. Around 100 degrees every day and when the breeze floats in from the feedlot it's a cherished lifelong memory.

LAST prize is you have to live there...

Como te dicen algunos, la mayor�a de los casos aqu� son mucho peor que el tuyo. relaciones que duran mucho tiempo, ni�os involucrados etc sin embargo muchos matrimonios tambi�n se han recuperado y son mucho mejores que antes.

Aunque sea tienes que aprovechar esta oportunidad para aprender lo que debes hacer para proteger tu matrimonio de que haya infidelidad, tuya o de tu esposo.

sigue leyendo. yo voy a buscar un caso que recuerdo similar pero la busqueda no es facil... no funciona muy bien.

majQa'

lokil

I am sorry you hurt, and I know you are scared.
But you need to tell your husband and your freind.
It will be better in the long run if you do.

It's also the RIGHT thing to do.

Indeed
After all, it is the fastest growing language on the planet.

No thanks, I already spent a week there one day many years ago.

-ol' 2long

lokil,

Think about what might happen if this man one day decides that he must come clean to his wife, your friend. Imagine how hurt and angry she would be then. Think about what your husband will think of you, not only for the having sex with his friend but for the perhaps years of lying about it.

This has already affected your relationship with your husband since now you are keeping a secret from him that you must always live in fear of his finding out. Each day that you withhold it from him builds a wall between you that robs not only him but you of real intimacy. Once you set your life on the path of having to uphold a lie, everything you do gets colored by the lie. You will never be able to share honestly with your husband or your friend ever again because you will have to remain protective of the lie.

When you are with your husband you will be reminded of your failure keep your vows. If you are with your friend you will always be wondering if she knows or what she would say if she found out the truth. If you are with your husband and this other man you will be fixated on watching them for their interactions. If you are with your husband and this man's wife you will always fear that she may know and tell him. If your husband does something alone with the other man you will have to fear what may ensue. Consider what happens if your husband and this man become fast friends, learn to trust each other and then the truth comes out. Then the betrayal will be all the worse for the lies that have been told by you and this other man while maintaining the charade of friendship.

There simply is no way for you to maintain this as a secret and live a happy and fulfilling life with your husband. The wall of secrecy and lies must be built forever higher, wider, thicker until you will be unable to let him into the parts of your life that matter, those parts that reflect the real you.

If you tell the truth your friendship will be destroyed. You must know already that you can't really have the kind of friendship you once had because of this. You and the other man will never look at each other as friends ever again. The truth might end their marriage. The truth might end your own marriage. The act itself brought the friendship to an end and lying for the rest of your life about it will not return the friendship to what it was nor allow your marriage to be what it once was or what it should be and could be in the future.

Mark

This wasn't a one night stand. A one night stand is sleeping with someone you just met that you'll never see again.

Your friend's husband has probably been flirty and buttering you up for a long time because he's wanted to bang you for a long time. He's been trying to meet your needs of conversation and admiration for quite some time and you've probably allowed him to. He was WAY too close to you before this all went down. I'm sure you wouldn't have been seduced as easily by a stranger. You have boundary issues that you need to fix because you let this man get WAY too close to you. He won't be the last man to try and sleep with you, so you had better fix the way you interact with men.

I also have news for you. You probably aren't one the first woman he's cheated on your friend with. You had better get tested.

And ditto to what everyone else said. You already hurt your husband and your friend. Hiding it from them will only hurt them worse. You won't be able to keep it a secret. It will eventually come out, and when it does, it will be worse for you that you didn't fess up to it immediately.

You have already opened Pandora's box. It is too late to go back and try to pretend nothing happened.

Do you honestly believe that you can interact with these people and everything will be the same as always? It will be like nothing happened?

No. You and OM will be uncomfortable and trying too hard to "act normal". Your H and OM's wife will catch on to this. They will see something different in your behaviors. It might take them a while, but they will feel that something is "off". We've all been there. It is a horrible, horrible feeling. Especially when the person continues to pretend to be your friend after what they've done to you.

There is also the possibility that OM has had feelings for you for a while and this wasn't exactly a "mistake" on his part. Then he'll pursue you because you gave in once.

Unless you tell the truth, establish NC with OM and OM's wife (I can't really call her your friend, because IMO you don't do this to a friend no matter how drunk you are), and set Extraordinary Precautions, there is an open door for this to happen again.

drgnfly

I think another point that is being overlooked is that lokil and Mr. lokil are supposedly trying to start a family.

Bringing a child into the world without addressing the 400 lb. gorilla (the A) is a really bad idea.

The M must have a solid foundation before children our introduced into the equation. Burying the tryst will ensure that the foundation is built on a beach. At high tide. On a slab. ....(Okay, okay, analogy overkill......)

TB


TB

Stop being a wuss and grow a set! Trainwreck, my foot. The train went off the tracks last night. Not you've got to clean it up.

I'm with you, Mrs. W. The post you quoted wasn't mine.

lokil,

I used to give a short "Children's Sermon" on Sunday mornings about once per month. These were typically about 5 minutes long and usually object lessons of some kind.

One of the lessons I used was to have all the kids gather around. I laid out a piece of plastic to cover the floor, set out a paper plate and then had them take turns squeezing the contents of one of those super family sized tubes of toothpaste onto the plate. There were about 25 kids from about 3 to about 11 or 12 and each one got a turn.

When they had it all out of the tube, I said we going to do a real magic trick. We would say the right words and put all of the toothpaste back into the tube.

I said I couldn't remember the words and asked several adults in the room if they knew the trick (they were plants of course) and nobody could come up with the right thing to say. I looked through my pockets, had the kids look under the chairs in the room, had folks looking in their Bible for the answer. We just couldn't come up with the words that would make the toothpaste be back in the tube instead of making a mess all over the plate in front of everyone...

You see, lokil, once we have done something or said something, we can't undo it or unsay it. Once we have crossed the line from friend to lover even moving back across the line does not restore them to friend. They are forever a former lover and no longer simply a friend.

And once we have hurt someone, we can't unhurt them. The damage is done when we do the hurtful thing. In this case you and the other man know that you did it but your husband and his wife do not yet know. It isn't the knowing that is hurtful to them, but the action which already happened and it is too late to not do it or to undo it now.

Once we hurt someone and after they find out that we did, they might decide to no longer have anything to do with us. If they say that they will give us another chance to prove our loyalty it will be what we do from then on that will either help them heal, remain in relationship with us or continue being hurt until they can no longer take the pain and walk away forever.

You can't lie your way out of having committed adultery. That happened. The circumstances of who was drunk, who seduced whom, and all the rest really don't change that fact; you did in fact decide to cheat on your husband. Lying to him about it will not change that fact. Lying to him will not make it go away. When he learns that you did it, he will be hurt. If he learns ten years from now that you lied about it he will still be hurt by it but will now have ten years of lying to be hurt by as well.

What you do now will determine whether you become a person of honor or remain forever a liar and adulteress. What you do from this point forward will make you a person of integrity or one who will forever live in fear that the secret you hold within will be found out.

Mark

And I'll throw this in:

When I look back at the months of my H's A, and realize that the by-then suspicious OWH was threatening to call ME, asking OW why she and my H weren't even considering me or MY feelings...I was stunned to hear that people I didn't even know were having furious discussions regarding me and my H, and there I was at home, totally clueless.

It's surreal to be reading this thread. It's the same thing - you are discussing the most important person in your life with people you don't even know. If you're going to be open and honest with him, let him know that, as well.

Deja vu, all over again.

Sorry, but that's quite funny.

Not the subject itself, obviously. Fooling your spouse about an affair is evil.

OWH and I each kept the other in ignorance after our discoveries, without working out the implications of the pain we were causing. We each independently found out about the affair LONG before either of us took the decision to expose.

If I had exposed after D Day 1, six weeks into the affair, it would not have turned into the entrenched mess it became after 3.5 years.

If he had done so eight months in, ditto.

If I had done so immediately on my D Day 2, two years in, when I snooped and got full details of OW and her marriage, I could have avoided the false recoveries that took place even after that.

I think possibly even more than my own pain, I wish I could have stopped OW's children reading explicit text messages from my H on their mother's phone. Her 14 year-old son once used her phone without asking, and found the messages from my H. He told his 17 year-old sister, and together they decided not to tell their father, who would be heartbroken. Also they did not want their family to break up. Every now and again they would read her phone and see the messages continuing.

Those poor babies took the burden of saving their parents' marriage onto their own heads. I could have stopped that if I had exposed after 6 weeks.

Not only is NOT telling cruel; it will help to increase the pain when the affair is revealed, and make something that is already the worst it could be, even worse.

This happened to me. My now XH had an affair with my young cousin (she was 19 and he was 37). They kept the secret for 7 years even though they were both asked point blank if the rumor was true. 7 years!!!!! I used to sit around and day dream about ways to find out if it was true...never thought I would know the truth...and then Marriage Builders introduced me to the concept of a keylogger and I happened to catch them discussing it on line one. I can't tell you the torture I go through over the lie that last 7 years. It was as painful as the act of adultery itself.

Listen to these vets! Fess up TODAY. Do not let one more day go by with this ugly secret inside of you. Let the chips fall where they may, but the Truth deserves to be told.

thank you all.
I have read all the replies, I'll wait til my husband gets home to do anything about it.

At least get the STD testing done right away.

What about his wife. She needs to be tested, as well. She has now been exposed to your and your H's sexual history partners.

How long until your husband gets home?

Check out this situation:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2219402#Post2219402
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=156359&Number=2222186#Post2222186


some threads have disappeared due to a problem that MB had last year...

'Smilingwoman',the same thing happened to me, but it was 21 years later, I felt the same as you for all of those years, never thinking I would know the truth....wrong..! It is very very painful to find out years later, its double the pain.

This happened to me. My now XH had an affair with my young cousin (she was 19 and he was 37). They kept the secret for 7 years even though they were both asked point blank if the rumor was true. 7 years!!!!! I used to sit around and day dream about ways to find out if it was true...never thought I would know the truth...and then Marriage Builders introduced me to the concept of a keylogger and I happened to catch them discussing it on line one. I can't tell you the torture I go through over the lie that last 7 years. It was as painful as the act of adultery itself.

Listen to these vets! Fess up TODAY. Do not let one more day go by with this ugly secret inside of you. Let the chips fall where they may, but the Truth deserves to be told.

I will get tested tomorrow.

Do you really feel pain over something that happened 21 yearws ago I can't imagine.

It seems very understandable that a person would experience a great deal of pain after finding out that their spouse has lied to them throughout most of their marriage.

21 years of living a lie

You BOTH must get tested.

You might show negative for something that you have passed on to him.

He has a right to know that he has been exposed to diseases, and a right to get himself tested.

You do not have the right to take that decision and knowledge away from him, by getting yourself tested, and not telling him if you are clear.

You are not doing a good or brave thing by deciding to get yourself tested without telling your H. You are still playing the same game of deciding how your husband must live in his marriage. Stop abusing him like this.

I'm pretty sure i could be able to forgive my usband over a mistake that happened 21 years ago but who knows.

YEPPERS !

It's 21 years of LIES and falsehood.

A couple of weeks ago I got a ton of bloodwork for other issues and had hiv/std testing as well so I know I don't have anything.

You are not listening. It is the LIE. He will be much more likely to FORGIVE that which he is given the opportunity to FORGIVE. You do not have the right to keep this information from him. You made a mistake...(and you do need to work on your boundaries because you were already too close to this OM for this mistake to have happened)...You can't undo the mistake...it is done. The immediate truth, NOW, is the only chance you have.

In febraury when we are together I'll see what happens right now it's too recent I don't want to make any desicions that I'll regret.

Like sleeping with your BFF's H?

The mistake has already been made. You seem to be under some sort of erroneous assumption that you can still somehow change this fact as long as you keep your mouth shut and your H doesn't find out.

Yes exactly like that, I cannot make any desicions out of guilt for what I did, I need to do what's best for all of us.

lokil, you are not qualified to decide what is "best" for your husband. You are dangerous to him. Only he is qualified to decide what is best for him. What is best for your husband is to know the truth about his life so he can protect himself from you and your lover. You are DANGEROUS to him. To not tell him the truth is to compound the crime by LYING TO HIM.

That would be manipulative and cruel to trick him into staying married to you just because you are a coward. He might not want to stay married to an adulterer and that is HIS RIGHT. You have no right to deny him that choice.

Don't lie to your husband, lokil. He will find out eventually.

Honesty is the solution to adultery, not more lies.

Lying to your H isn't what's best for him. It's what you think is best for you. It's you trying to save your own skin and not have to own up to what you've done. It's pure and total selfishness. There just is no other way to look at this.

Don't be a coward, lokil. It will eat you up. Don't trick your husband into staying married to you based on your lies. Don't treat him like your pet.

lokil, my daughter is 29. She has been married for 12 months (not quite your 14 but near enough). Her Facebook profile pic is their wedding photo. The one where they are kissing each other. When they look at each other they smile, they hold hands, she sits on his knee. He always looks at her fondly and she gives him a "oooh, you're my man" smile back.

I just don't understand WHY or HOW, after only 14 months of marriage you could have sex with someone not your H - and I won't and can't accept drink as an excuse.

Like I said I`m not making any desicions until I see him and we are together and i had a few days to think about it, today while Im very emotional and feeling like crap is not the right time to make any desicions.

It is never the right time to decide to LIE. You don't have to "wait" to know the right thing to do. It is never right to be a liar.

Again, you aren't listening. You do not have the right to keep this information from your spouses...You are keeping information THEY need to make decisions about THEIR life.

And FTR, the day I got proof of the 7 year lie was the day I was done. A flip switched in my head and I knew I would NEVER take him back. We will never know if I would have forgiven him for it if he had told me when it happened. And we will also never know if his confession would have stopped him from having the next affair.

I`ve been with my husband from 2006 not that it matters I`m stilol very in love with him as the day we got married.

I cant believe this thread is still goin on...in the words of our fellow MB peep DUDE....."koo koo for coco puffs, man" or sumthin like dat.

So how could it happen? It's not a kiss or an extra long hug. It's SEX for crying out loud.

For what it's worth I'll be very surprised if the man doesn't tell his wife. Very, very surprised. Or else he makes such a habit of this that you're just one more.

I don't know we talked yesterday, and agreed not to tell her, but every itme my phone rings I'm scared that it's going to be her yelling at me. I real;ly hope he does not tell her not right now anyways.

End the torture and TELL HER AND YOUR BH NOW.

We have reconsidered and have unlocked this thread. Please keep posts respectful and productive.

Thank you, Revera

Hate to tell you this sister but you've already made a decision that you have regretted, right? (banging that dude).

Now you are making ANOTHER poor decision, by lying. There have been a few posters here that told you about finding out years later, myself included, (21 years). When your husband does find out, (and he will), next month, or in 3 years, or 13 years, it will be as bad as him finding out the next day, except that you lied for all of those years.

YOU made a piss poor decision to do what you did, you can blame in on wine, or the man in the moon, the point is that it was YOU that allowed yourself to have sex with another man....no one else, YOU.

And its up to YOU to make it right, and to save your marriage.

Lokil, how are you doing today? Had some time to think?

I thought I would remind you of this post which describes what will happen in the futur:

Good morning Lok. I hope you were able to rest last night.

Today would be a good day to begin to plan how to pick up the pieces and decide what you need to do to help your husband through this. There are many excellent articles on this site that may be able to help you.

Your hubby will be home next week. We are pulling for you to do the right thing by him. He DESERVES that from you.

When your BH finds out twenty years from now it will only be worse. He will feel that these twenty years were a lie. He'll want answers you will not remember enough to answer. Or claim to not remember any.

Living proof right here...!

>He will feel that these twenty years were a lie.

Trust them here. There is a big, gaping hole in the middle of my marriage where I question EVERYTHING that was said and done because those years were the lying years and even the truths of those years are hollow and low.

I agree, that if he finds out 20 years down the road, he will be more hurt. Now, if he wants to , he can cut his losses and find someone else.
That said, the stuff Ihave read indicates that the vast majority of affairs go undetected. This one may be a little different due to the relationship between the couples.
I raise this not because I do not think the risk of discovery should be a consideration. Rather, though, it seems the more valid motivator should be the desire to allow your spouse self determination.

She is obviously attracted to this man.
If she does not go no contact for life, it will happen again.
No contact will be much easier to maintain if the affair is exposed.

Not to mention, the betrayed deserve to know what has happened to them. It will also allow them to fix the problems in there marriage that allowed this to happen.

I think lokil has left the building. Another 'smash and grab...'

It is amazing reading this stuff. This young woamn truly beleives it was a drunken mistake and simply occured because of a compliation of random factors-drink, the BW going to see her boss, her husband's absence, etc.
There is no way two people just fall into bed as the result of the above. There had to be prior development of the relationship.
So, it will probably happen to her again, somewhere down the road.

I feel so bad for the BS's...thats who we were really trying to save.

Well me anyway.

After seeing the agony the Wookie went thru and hearing from fWW's like Writer and the Mrs. and my dearling AW, I want the best for ALL involved because infidelity is such an equal opportunity destroyer.

Yes, I guess you are right Dealan-de...But the waywards seem to be choosing self destruction in this case...and by doing that they are destroying their spouses too. Oh well.

Hello,

Some of you had an affair and didn't tell your spouse the day after it happened some of you kept sleeping with the other person again and again yet you stand here in judgement making me think not telling everyone this exact moment is the worst thing I could ever do.

For what its worth I have been thinking of telling my husband but not telling him with who or telling my friend at all. I'm off to read the replies last night the thread was locked and I figured this probably is nto the place to work onmy issues.

Glad you didn�t disappear. Stick around a few more days and learn more about the subject.

I did not have an affair....

...and some of us were lied to for years and don't want to see another person go through something like that...

And I am glad that you are thinking about the situation, you should read the thread again from beginning to end...

Yes exactly, I feel you all want me to be punioshed for waht I did that's why you want me to tell, like if a cheater gets what they deserve then it brings fairness to the world again, and look there were only 2 people in htat room me and him fi I dont tell and he doesnt tell how the hell are our spouses supossed to find out, he doesnt have a cell phone I dont have his email there is no way of me contacting him other than trough my friend so no its not going to happen again.

I dont want you to be punished at all, if you keep this lie you will be punishing yourself also...I would love for you to have a happy marriage...you cannot do that by brushing this under the rug.

I
I think that if he is bold enough to have sex with you when his wife leaves for an hour, he has done this before. What are you going to do if you are pregnant?

Ohhh, I never even thought of that HH...good observation.

Lokil, you should read how affairs start....

Not many people get up one day and decide to go have an affair with someone they know. Those that do decide that like my WH�s OW are evil and it�s best not to get involved with them.

Affairs start innocently because we are all wired to have them so if you don�t consciously and willfully decide not to have an affair, it will happen.

And probably with this "friend"....its a snowball effect... You sleep with the OP once, you think I will never do that again and then all of a sudden it is a year later, your still sleeping with him and your BS finds out...That will be so much worse, you need to expose to protect yourself also....

Exactly, CCBIS.

Lokil, your being given sound advice, and its not being given to get you to bury yourself in trouble so we can feel good about "sticking it to the evil doer".

You may think your secret is safe, but theres a problem...

Can you guess what it is?

I did have an A. I told my H about the A within days. Want to know why? Because, my H was involved in a long-term A with his ex-girlfriend during the first 10 years of our M, and he didn't tell me about it. We were able to work through the A, once I found out, but the affects of knowing that he lied to me throughout most of our M were much more difficult to overcome. I didn't see any way that I would ever be able to trust him again. And what is a marriage without trust?

Our M is now in recovery, but it has taken us a long time to get to where we are now. I don't think anyone here wants to "punish" you. Some of us have been where you are now, and we know what works and what doesn't. I'm sure my H thought he could sweep his A under the rug and I would never find out about it. I did. You may not see how your H could ever find out, but the truth almost always surfaces eventually. Do you really want to live with that constant threat hanging over your head for the rest of your life?

We're giving you advice on how to save your M from the crushing effects of years of lies and deceit. You can't save it from the pain of an A. The A has already happened. That damage has already been done. We're simply trying to help you not damage your M even more by lying.

(my best Arnold Horseshack impression)

OOOO!!!

OOOO!!!

I know!!!!!

The lying about it was worse to me then the actually adultery...JMHO.

Me too.

I don't know I mean I believe you think so but the reality is that what hurts is that your spouse cheated, I mean what if your spoused lied to you about eating a candy bar and then you found out 21 years later would it destroy your marriage the same as finding out about an affair.

Its a compounded lie, over years...and you are still gonna be friends with OP...Your BS will be looking at that OP...If I found that out, that my H and friend were hiding this secret, that would just be so much worse....

Its not a lie about eating a candy bar...you slept with his friend.

I know... I know I slept with someone else every second I'm awake, it kills me everytime I talk to my husband on the phone.

My point was I don't really believe me not telling him is going to hurt him more than the fact I slept with my friends husband.

Of course not. But if your spouse lied to you about some other big thing, say committing a crime, then yes, that sort of thing could indeed destroy a marriage. If it's something that has the potential to negatively affect the other person in the marriage, then lying about it can indeed destroy the relationship.

If your H ate a candy bar and didn't tell you about it, it wouldn't really have much affect on you, would it? If your H committed a crime and didn't tell anyone, hoping not to get caught, it would affect you if he did get caught (even years later) and went to jail. If your H slept with another woman and didn't tell you, and you later found out about it, the effects on you would be devastating.

There is a difference between eating a candy bar and not telling your H (not a lie, just a simple fact that we can't tell each other every little thing we do every second of the day) and keeping something huge from him (like the fact that you had an A) because you don't want to suffer the ramifications of your own actions.

If you can't see that difference, then you may be a bit deficient in the area of morals.

And it will continue to kill you and eat you alive until you come clean and begin working through the process of recovering your M.

That, my friend, is what we are trying to save you from.

I've got a question.

Are you always right?

You wrote:

>My point was I don't really believe me not telling him is going to hurt him more than the fact I slept with my friends husband.


You also, once upon a time, believed you would never sleep with someone other than your husband.

I'd like to point out that you've been wrong at least once before. Can you concede that you might just be wrong here, too...or have you talked yourself into this belief so that you won't have to face that you've made a terrible mistake?

I want you to be healthy and happy - but neither of those things thrive in the midst of a lie.

First it is gonna eat away at you, it already is...its like a kid who gets an F on his report card and thinks hiding it is gonna solve his mother getting mad at him.

Yeah, he wont get yelled at for a while, but eventually his mom will find out and he will be in worse trouble for hiding it then if he just showed her the report card to begin with...

Either way Mom is gonna get mad.

I'd also like you to re read what CCBIS wrote about people being wired for affairs. If you can understand this, get through the confession, there is a good chance you and you husband can put boundries in place for the both of you so that this will NEVER happen again.

prolonging the inevitable...or sumthin like that...

I've been facing the mistake I made for the last 2 days I know it was wrong I know I [censored] up, I may tell my husband have not decided yet. I don't want to make a rush desicion out of guilt, I don't want to destroy other peopples lives just so i can have a clear concience.

Now that's just silly and self serving. Of course not knowing will hurt him because he can't protect himself from you if he doesn't know. He may choose to not be married to a cheater and that is his right. You have no right to deny him the right to make decisions about his own life. To not tell him is manipulative and deceitful; it is to trick him into staying married to you.

Can you imagine using that logic if the situation was about your neighbor's bookkeeper embezzling money from him? Wouldn't it sound insane to say that you didn't want to warn your neighbor about his stealing bookkeeper because you "didn't want to hurt him?"

Your justifications are silly, lokil. Your problem is that your husband will eventually find out some way - they always do - and the damage will be much greater if he hears it from the OM's wife. The damage will be HUGE when he finds out you lied to him about it too. Every day you don't tell him is a new lie added to the list. You are just compounding the crime and making it worse.

This isn't about you having a clear conscience. That's one part of it. Mostly, it's about you realizing that you don't have the right to force another person (your H and your "friend") to live a lie.

You've already destroyed their lives. Just because they don't know that yet doesn't change anything. Until you realize that, there's probably not much more anyone here can do for you.

I am not a cheater I cheated but I have never done it before and never do it again, i dont wnat a divorce, and yes as his iwfe I do feel a responsability to protect him from pain.

And if you slept with someone once and you thought you would never do that...its most likely gonna happen again if you keep this secret...

I hope you tell your husband for HIS sake. He has a right to make decisions on his own behalf and for you to withold something so important for him will be crushing when he does finally find out (if you decide not to tell or to wait).

Can I tell you something?

The longer you wait to tell, the worse your imagination will make his reaction.

My husband had no clear idea of the reaction he'd get from me and that hindered his telling me. He thought it would be a zillion times worse than it was and he was very stunned when I didn't kill him.

It is a human thing to do, imagining the worst. What you are doing is not out of the ordinary....just out of the ordinary for you right now.

I suspect your poor brain is on overload right now. I'm sorry for that. I really am.

Well congratulations, you are now a cheater, by continuing to lie you will always be one.

You are just making excuses. Your guilt and your conscience are irrelevant. What is relevant is your husband's need and right to know the truth about his own life. You know what is right to do, so making excuses to delay this decision is nothing more than that, making excuses.

You already did destroy the lives of 2 people with your bad behavior. Now, they need to know so they can protect themselves from you.

Honesty is the solution to adultery, not more lies. Withholding the truth is deceitful, cruel and manipulative.

Why did you decide to have sex with this guy, anyway? Were you relatiuvely promiscuous before marriage? Maybe you need to assess what having sex means to you. To some folks, it has meaning. To others, it is merely a pleasurable bodily function, like taking a dump or eating.
If you find you do not put much significance on the sex act, as your actions would seem to indicate, you should assess whether your H has a similar attitude. If youu gous do not match up in this area, you need to consider divorcing and looking for someone who has values similar to your own in this area.

So it worsens...

You are a cheater. You slept with another man. That makes you a cheater. Doesn't matter if you did it once or 100 times. A cheater cheats. You cheated.

If you felt such a huge need to protect your H, you wouldn't have cheated in the first place. You aren't trying to protect him. You're trying to protect yourself from the consequences of your own actions.

In a way Marriage Builders is like AA. I work the AA program and therefore it works for me, same deal with MB, lokil obviously refuses to work the program and thus will remain unrecovered and a cheater for the rest of her life, sadly enough.

I will pray for you.

This is a lie. You are a cheater and a liar. You do not feel a responsibility to protect him, you already proved that is a lie.

These are more lies. You want to trick him into staying married to you by lying to him.

I was lonely, he travels a lof for work, he is changing positions so he doesn't have to travel that much, when we are together we are happy but it sucks when he is away.

Amd yes this guy is my friend we have known each other for ages, never slept together before

Yes ALL cheaters have excuses.

A "friend" wouldn't sleep with you in a moment of weakness...

At least none of mine ever has...

Of course the Wookie being a huge and hairy beast with cop toys polly helps, too.

This man isn't your "friend." He is barely a "man."

you ask me why i tell you and then you say they are jsut excuses wht else do you want...

Excuses....

You tell because your BH has the right to know. Clearing your conscience is a side benefit to you.

YOU don't know what you are talking about. Yes the cheating hurts like hayul...my H had two A's and the second we had multiple false recoveries. Let me tell you something, lokil it was the constant lying and gaslighting that gave me PTSD symptons. I can tell you also from my H's POV that it was the years of lies by ommission that angered and hurt him the most, not my affair. You are in the process of building a wall around you that will keep you from having true intimacy with your H. You can recover from this if he chooses but I doubt he will want to recover if you fail to tell him the truth AND expect him to continue to be "friends" with the OM.

We want you to HONOR your husband like you promised.

Lying to him and keeping things from him will NEVER allow you to honor him like he should be.

Listen, you made that mistake, everyone makes mistakes...now its how you deal with this mistake that will show how much you love your husband. Hopefully more than yourself...a lot of pain now vs. horrendous pain down the road...your choice for your husband.

For you to tell the truth. You went into another woman's HOME and rutted like a pig in heat with this woman's husband. You are dangerous. You owe her the truth. You owe your H the truth so they can protect themselves from you.

What kind of a person does that to another woman? To her own husband? To HERSELF? What kind of a person allows herself to be disrespected like a piece of used toilet paper by a married man?

VERY well put, SH.

lokil, your husband will find out. The OM's wife will find out. You can't trick them forever.

you guys are harsh, and you wondered why i'm terrified of tell anyone, i woke up feeling better this morning and now i'm a crying mess again thnaks.

Lokil,

READ the articles here. You CAN help yourself and your dear husband. There is HOPE, but only if you ACT instead of cower.

Are you a woman who will fight for her marriage and family or not?

No. What is "harsh" is screwing another woman's husband in the safety of her home. There is nothing we can say that is as "harsh" as that. There are not words that are as harsh as what you have done to this woman and your husband.

You should feel bad. But lying about it won't make it go away and won't make you feel better. It will just make you a cheater AND A LIAR.

Do you want to redeem yourself or do you want to make this worse by compounding the crime?

Harsh? i will tell you what is harsh...trying to live the rest of your life with the biggest elephant in the room. You will be forever on edge waiting for the truth to come out and believe me it will. We are trying to put the control in your hands and give you the opportunity to get your integrity back. Right now you have zero integrity. We are offering you a way to become an honorable and loving wife again even if that means taking the chance that your H will be unable to forgive you.

You see not giving him the chance (and the OMW) to make his own choice about being married to you is the most disprectful thing you could possibly do to this man you claim to love.

You owe these people the truth, Lokil. You did a horrible thing to them. And they will find out.

You can salvage your soul by doing the right thing or you can run, but you will never get away. It wil follow you into the gates of hell.

Boo-hoo.

This isn't all about you.

You did a terrible thing. There are victims to the crime you committed.

You have a chance to prove you have a modicum of integrity.

It's simple. DO THE RIGHT THING!

The right thing is always to tell the truth and live an honest upstanding life. It will set you free.

Lolkil,

I'm going to make things very simple for you. The ONLY way to save your marriage is to be honest and tell your BH. The people here are ALL giving you the same advice. I haven't seen a single person tell you to keep this awful secret. If you want to save your marriage then there is only one way to do it. Sure, you can keep your dirty little secret for a few weeks, months, perhaps even years....but it will come out sooner or later. If you want to have any shot of saving your marriage then don't compoud this horrible act by lying about it. Stand up and face the consequences. I know you might not believe this right now but your marriage can survive this. There are plenty of people on this site who have done just that. Do the right thing. We will be here to help you whatever happens as long as you do the right thing.

Mindshare

If we can't persuade you to tell the full truth right from the beginning, at least tell your BH that you had sex with someone else, without naming names as you suggested.

Baby steps toward telling the truth are better than staying in a lie.

And right now, today, tell your friend that her WH was cheating on her, even if you don't name the woman. She deserves to know that her marriage is broken.

It's a start.

you are acting like if I entred an orphanage with a machine gun and killed 100 babies,

You can tell me 1000 times that it was wrong I knwo it was wrong I knwo it was very very wrong, have some compassion, some of you have been where I am.

It is not our "compassion" that is in question; it is yours. You are cruel, manipulative and dangerous. You screwed another woman's husband in HER own living room. It doesn't get any meaner and dirtier than that, friend. That is VILE and evil.

Have some compassion, lokil, tell your victims the truth.

Which is exactly why no one wants you to stay where you are. Scores of people are showing you the way out.

You can't undo what you did, but you can either make the damage far, far worse, sinking yourself even lower in the process, or you can begin the process that will restore your dignity and honor, and possibly even your marriage in the process.

>have some compassion,

I have enormous compassion for you. I've seen what you are going through and wouldn't wish it on anyone. I've also seen first hand what your dear one's life will be like UNTIL you tell and I can honestly say the longer you drag this out the more it will seem like you killed a thousand babies to him.

Yes, I have been where you are. I know you are scared and hurting. I also know that not telling your H the truth will only prolong and worsen your pain and his.

You know the A was wrong. You don't seem to know that lying is wrong. People are just trying to show you that both things are equally damaging to your M. Two wrongs will never make a right.

Not only did you screw this woman's husband in her own house, but you want to LIE about it so you can go back and do it again. You want to lie to his wife and your husband so you can continue to harm them.

So I say to you: have some compassion.

Listen, forget it, there are so many posts telling you how to save your marriage after an affair....Dont tell your husband, dont tell anyone....Come back to us in a year, a month, 5 years...when everything explodes into he77...we will see if we can help you then.

Right now you already know what you are gonna do, so do it. Nothing.

Send your poor BS and friends BS here too....They will need it...They will be nearly destroyed by then .

That is a great incentive to tell them I'm going to call them right now.

Read my post before that I think you misunderstood me...

They are already nearly destroyed.

At least tell them both they've been betrayed. You can do that much.

I wish i knew what i was going to do, i'm trying here, im not rushing into calling anyone i want ot see what happens with my friends I want my husband to be here so we can talk, Im not telling him over the phone oh btw remember T, I slept with him ok bye bye love you see you when you come back.

Shes not gonna do it...shes already made up her mind..doin nothing is better. She doesnt understand that the damage is already done.

I agree with not telling your BH over the phone. You absolutely must tell him but wait until he is back and you can tell him face to face.

>I want my husband to be here so we can talk

I, for one, think that is reasonable.

It'll also give you time to read and to learn how to make certain you are NEVER in this position again.

What about the STD testing? You had your last round of tests BEFORE the sex. IMO (only mine...I can't speak for the others), if you went and got tested again it might go a little way towards proving your remorse to your DH and show him you are trying to protect him from this.

lokil,
How to intend to protect your BH's health for the next 6 months while you wait to see if you've picked up and STD or HIV??? A blood test will not prove HPV or HSV(herpes). There is an incubation period of 3 months to two years(in most cases).

You've said that you and your BH are trying to get pregnant. I would suppose that would mean he expects sex with you without protection. How will you now convince him otherwise?

Do you see how this lie grows bigger and bigger. It will one day consume you and possibly your M if you continue to live the lie.

You need to read up on this site about being vunerable to your weakness's and how to put extraordinary protections in place to protect both yourself and your M.

Your BH would expect no less. 14 months M'd and you are already unfaithful. As a man and a H, that would sure take the wind out of my sails. Your BH should have the truth to decide if he made a major mistake in marrying you. It's his right and you are denying him this right.

He could very well be justified in concluding he made a huge mistake, and you were not wise enough to be marriage material. But that's his choice, not yours. After 14 months of M, I know what mine would have been.

You can hide behind your actions for quite some time, but your M will become one not worth having without the truth.

JMHO

All Blessings,
Jerry

I agree with mindshare. I think youshould wait until he comes back ad tell him face to face.

And then I think you should call your friend and tell her, without warning her husband that you are going to do it.

I know you talked to him on the phone and you agreed not to tell anyone, but you know that that was a mistake, you can feel it in your heart. if you tell him that you are going to come clean who knows what kind of lies he will make up about you to justify himself. Believe me, he�s already a proven liar and cheater.

" I don't want to destroy other peopples lives just so i can have a clear concience."

You already have destroyed your friendship with the BW and both marriages.

They can rebuild theirs and so can you. Though nothing good can be built on a foundation of lies.

The BW needs to know that there is a cancer in her marriage.

Do you think the BW will go out leaving her WH alone in the house with another woman in the future?

Does her WH deserve blind trust?

Do you?

You can't ignore that there must be NC forever between you and the OM.

How are you going to explain to the BW that you can't see OM any more?

How are you going to explain to your BH that you can't see the OM any more?

How are you going to explain to the BH that the guy he is helping, loaning tools to, hangs out with, buys beers for, picks up the tab for is the same guy who banged BH's wife?

Right, but many of the people you are talking to had to be persuaded to tell their spouse as well.

Do you know how often someone comes to the forum and says they cheated but they don't want to tell their spouse? It happens all the time (about once a month) and then there are about 50 pages of people trying to tell them to come clean. They all say, "well my H will divorce me," or, "I don't want to destroy OP's marriage." Eventually, most come clean and put the pieces of their marriage back together, and then they come here and later tell the next person to come clean.

Honestly, do you REALLY think this is the first time OM has cheated on your friend? REALLY? My bet is that he's done this before and will do it again (if not it's only because he hasn't been married long enough, he will if again if he gets away with this one). That is why your friend needs to know, so she can work on her own marriage. How would you like it if you husband had sex with dozens of women behind your back and everyone knew but you? She needs a chance to set conditions in place that won't allow her husband to cheat or at least be able to make the decision to move on if he doesn't stop.

How did you think this happened in the first place? This wasn't a one night thing. OM has been meeting your ENs for quite some time now. I bet he met your emotional need for conversation and admiration. I bet since your H was away alot, you two talked quite a bit and probably flirted. OM has been laying the groundwork for this probably for quite some time. He just needed some alcohol to lower your inhibitions a bit and get his wife away for a little bit, and he could get what he's wanted for quite some time now.

This is why your H needs to know, so you don't do this again. You need to set some boundaries to prevent contact w/ OM or this may very well happen again. I know you say it will never happen again, but I'm sure if we asked you a week ago, you would have said this would have never happened in the first place. Who has the better track record right now?

We are not trying to beat you up, we are just trying to get you to see the reality of the situation. We are just telling you something you don't want to hear right now. We know, adultery is an awful thing, and I can imagine that you feel just horrible about it. We just want to make sure you don't compound your mistake because you are afraid of the consequences.

As for telling your husband that you cheated, but not tell him who, I bet he figures it out in short order. If he doesn't figure it out, it will eat at him until he does find out. Either way, the truth needs to come out before you can ever put this mistake behind you.

lokil, I do remember being where you are. In some ways, you are ahead of me at that stage because two days after cheating I felt no guilt - just a rush at the fatasy (yuk!)

It took a couple of months before I was completely worn down. Don't let yourself get to that point. It will be hard, it will be scary, and your H will be crushed. But it will be out there, like lancing a horrible sore. Then you can both decide how you are going to heal.

If I lived next door to you, I would go with you, hold your hand even. I believe that much in the truth. Don't waste time - I could have started recovery two months sooner if I hadn't held on to the secret. You will always regret cheating. I promise you will never regret telling the truth.

Thank you all for your sincere help and advice at this point this site is hurting me more than helping me so I need a break.

This site isn't hurting you. YOU hurt you.

lokil, at least do the decent thing and stay away from the OM and his wife. Don't compound the crime by darkening that woman's doorstep again. You should never go into her house again after what you did to her.

In addition to your husband, the OM's wife has to be told you did this to her. She may want to move. She will never feel safe in her house again because of the dirty thing you did in her home.

Lots of posts on this one in a short time span.

loki..how about this;

You don't tell,

your "friend" says he will tell your husband if you don't sleep with him again, because he didn't get a chance to finish the first time. What will you do then?

Don't think he will do that do you? But you also didn't think you would ever sleep with him.

No, you are hurting you. We are helping you. You are not helping you.

Here is some reading for you from others who have been in similar situations:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2219402#Post2219402

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2310679#Post2310679

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2291722#Post2291722

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2277863#Post2277863

Wow! So many replies!

Okay, for what it's worth here is my two cents..Keep in mind I am fairly new here too..

My H went to Iraq and while he was gone a mutual married friend hit on me. I told him no, and encouraged him to save his marriage. He begged me not to tell his wife b/c they were having problems with thier marriage already. They have two little ones and knowing his wife's temper and desire to leave already, I agreed to not tell. Well, my H knew I was keeping something from him and he assumed I was cheating, so he went and found a new woman, cheated on me, and now we are getting a D. Our mutual friend told his wife. I spoke to her also and she was mostly mad that we had lied. I told my H too, but by then it was too late.

Trust me...your H will know something is up and so will his W. You have got to tell before it's too late. It is the only way to recover your marriage. It will show your H you care enough to be honest. I really wish I had told my H. I wanted to, but felt I couldn't w/o destroying our friends marrige. They are together still and very happy...I lost my H and family and our kids are devastated.

And yes the lies compound the pain of the affair. My H lied to me about his A, and that is more painful than the truth; it really shows that you have zero feeling or compassion for any party involved...except yourself and the OM.

The people on here are trying to help you. Please trust them. The pain I'm going through is unbearable and I'd hate to see anyone else have to endure it.

Quoted from Melody Lane, pg 30

"The damage will be HUGE when he finds out you lied to him about it too. Every day you don't tell him is a new lie added to the list. You are just compounding the crime and making it worse."



I want to share a part of my story with you.




My H (before we were M�d) had a FBuddy relationship with a friend of the family, for a short while (we were not together at this time). They both lied to my face about it for YEARS.

Years where, I thought she was my friend: we camped, we bbq�d, we talked on the phone, I helped her plan her wedding & she mine, I threw her a baby shower, I stood up for her in arguments, she surprised us at our wedding (she wasn�t supposed to be able to attend) & then danced and flirted with my brand new husband (she was a friend, after all)� and I was none the wiser.

One day, I got smart and asked the right question. The physical relationship was confirmed. Keep in mind, this wasn�t even adultery or cheating, JUST LYING. You want to know how I feel now, YEARS LATER?


I feel so utterly, horribly, and completely disrespected. This person who pretended to be my friend lied to me; used me for my time, money, emotion, friendship; and actively disrespected me each and every time she was around me, over and over and over, for YEARS.


I�ve now known the truth for 2 years. I could care less about their FBuddy relationship. I DO care about the compounded YEARS of lies. This person, by her lies, was NEVER a friend to me. This person felt it was better to cover her rear and be selfish, than to be honest.

This person has now been excommunicated from my immediate family, from my extended family, and from our entire circle of friends, for life. (NC!)


I�ve never hated anyone, until I found out the truth about my so-called "friend". The saddest part to me, is that if JUST ONE of them had been honest, I wouldn�t have this hate to deal with. Things would have been different because I could have made more informed decisions about MY LIFE, had they just been honest.



This is EXACTLY what you�re doing to your husband and your so-called best friend, and it�s worse, because what you did IS adultery.

So if I feel this way about a hidden, FBuddy relationship, how is your BH and your so-called best friend going to feel after your YEARS of LIES?????

Something to ponder.



Edited to add: Oh, yeah, and they both *swore* that I could never find out...

If my DH had come to me broken and contrite and armed with what he had learned from MB four years ago after his first sexual encounter with OW, he would have saved us months of pain and agony and soul searching. You are so blessed to have stumbled upon MB. What you do with the information will determine your future.

God's Blessings,

Say

How did you find MB?

Ahh, shaken - you beat me to this one! My thoughts exactly. Lokil, you think he won't tell? A secret is safe when it's just one person who knows it. Two or more and you have no control over containing it. All you can do is hope he never gets a conscience and confesses.

Look at you - you're an emotional mess. What's to say the OM isn't in the same boat, and is working up the grit to tell his BW right now? You have NO control over containing this. Think about that...every morning when you leave the house, will you come home to a husband whose eyes are blank pits, sitting on the couch gripping his elbows and retching because someone told him about your little secret?...every time the phone rings, will it be the OM or his wife, demanding to talk to your H to tell him?...every time you leave your H, will you come back to find him still your clueless, loving H? Or will you find him packing your things and throwing them into the street because he's just found out about your deception?

This will be your reality, lokil. Think of that. A life sentence. Every day. Every day. That's the scenario we're trying to help you avoid. You won't avoid it when you choose to lie and cover up your actions.

You think we're harsh? Harsh is what you did to your H. Fix it by confessing and avoid the terrible life sentence you gave yourself.

I have a revulsion to the title of this thread.

"I slept with someone last night"

(how quaint)

It should read:

I had adulterous sex with a friend's husband last night.

I slept with someone last night.

My husband.

Eee...yeah...I must have missed the post about the catnap they took...

Especially since the one thing they apparently didn't do was "sleep."

Ditto. I endured additional MONTHS of agony that would have been entirely preventable if he had stopped after the first time.

But no, they were "just friends", and he "could control it".

There's no such thing.

Instead, he chose to pile lies on top of lies on top of lies, all to hide his dirty little secret. Of course the truth came out - it always does, somehow.

Not sure on this, Fred. Most of my conquests fell asleep. Most of the time it was during, but sometime before.

Where oh where is Mel when you need her?

I'll be her stand-in.

Shaddup Zelmo

Pep, I was so thinking that when I saw Z's post...

Harrison Ford to the President in "Clear and Present Danger"; "How dare YOU, sir."

Oh, Sorry Z, I Forgot you could read that too......

ok so straight talking isnt getting the point accross lets try an analigy.
You cheating on your beloved husband is equals to attempted murder on your marriage, If you committed attempted murder and you confessed you would go in front of a jury and get a trial then seve time and let out early on good behaviour, if you get caught (which i guarantee you will but more on that later) you will serve a much more severe sentance and will stand near to no chance of being given any credit or good behaviour early release. Do you understand that analigy???

Your husband is not stupid he will notice the change in your behaviour and even if you were a very good actress then you will be spending so much time covering up your guilt there wont be much of a marriage.

How can you trust your friends husband ever again??? he cheated on your best friend! He may have feelings for you he may want more, he may blackmail you into having sex again and please dont be as naive as to say he wont cause I know him cause if you knew him you wouldnt be in this mess. How can you be around a person you find attractive enough to betray your husband with??
Tell that poor souls your married too, tell the poor woman who is about to loose her husband and best friend and realise there is no happy ending until you cut all ties with the person who you have risked your marriage with.

Want advice here it is, want sympathy, your in the wrong place.

Lokil,

I just have a few questions that I hope you will answer.

You said you were drinking before you had sex, were you drunk before you had sex or afterwards?

Was your friend�s husband also drunk?

Which one of you made the first move?

Was there any conversation before the physical act? If so..what?

How long did you stay with them after your friend came home?

How did you get home from your friend�s house?

When you spoke with your affair partner the next day, was he agonized over what you both had done? What was his reaction?

Has he previously tempted you?

Has he attempted to seduce you before?

Had you fantasized about being with him prior to that night?

Have you ever discussed with your husband how either of you would react if adultery entered your marriage?

Has your husband been faithful to you?

Just trying to understand your relationship and the events.
There is very little information in your posts.

lokil,

I am speaking to you as a former 'ho, I hope that you will stick around here. I have a few things I hope you can think about, or clarify.

1. You are hanging out with a GF and her H, you two are left alone for an hour and end up screwing? I am having trouble wrapping my brain around how your brain and your loins transitioned from "this is GF's hubby" to "let's get naked" in that short of time.

Has there been a period of flirtation before now? Have the two couples joked about swapping? Being snowed in a cabin together for a weekend almost sounds plausible how you could talk yourself into it that fast (plausible but equally wrong), but in an hour?? I believe this is something that has been brewing for awhile.

2. You said, if I recall, that you have spoken to OM and he swears he won't tell his wife. Then, you stated that he had no cell and there is no way for you to stay in contact with OM other than through his wife. Am I mistaken, or did you say these two conflicting stories.

Know, you and OM have this "juicy secret" and you two have a sick bond over it. This is very, very unhealthy, surely you can see that? Right??

3. Let's assume you are know pregnant with OM's child. What is your plan then, continue to lie, fudge the numbers so your BH thinks the child is his forever? Are you willing to lie on something like that?? Pretend you know that you are pregnant with OM's child, what is your plan now? You going to let GF throw you a baby shower?

Do you see how tacky this is?

My point is, I think this is more than losing your mind for an hour, unless you were dropping acid or something. I think this is a full blown affair that you just now consummated.

At the very least, you should let your GF know that her hubby screws around. There is no way that you are the first. Don't be a crappy friend AND a crappy wife.

Tell your husband and your friend.

Bingo! This has been building for years.

Stop before it gets even worse.

Ok I'm here I'm reading...

Oooooh....this is gold! Perfect.

lokil, I am very happy you are here...I think that means you know what the right thing to do is...we are here to help you through all this if you take the right path...

WoW, really?



This makes you the most dangerous sort of adulterer.
One with NO CLUE.

NOT remembering how your went from friendly to ~~~> adultery makes you thoughtless.
And that, makes you dangerous.

Jee thanks

If you divorce your husband...and your lover divorces his wife, both of you could then have sex together again. And again.

But just wait for the divorces to be final first. Obviously you have no love for your own husband if you had unprotected, risky sex with another man while his wife was at the store.

Hey, maybe you could divorce your husband, the other man could get a divorce and you two could marry each other.

lokil,

Thanks for answering my questions.

I would like to let you know, in addition to being a former 'ho, my sister has also screwed TWO of her friends husbands and is knee deep in her 'ho-dom. So, I am speaking to you as I wish I could have spoken to her (I didn't know in time).

I really am having trouble understanding why you didn't push away or smack him and leave when he hugged you. THEN you sit at chat with your friend while your panties are moist with her husbands "droppings".

That just boggles my mind.

You were that warped of a person a few days ago, are you going to continue to be that warped?

FYI: the two husbands my sister screwed (her friends husbands) were both philanderers, but of course, my sister assumed that she was special. She also played nicey nice with these women while she had screwed their husbands.

Now, her DD gets teased on the bus by kids that know her Mom is the neighborhood tramp.

It always comes out, tell your hubby.

lokil, I wrote a long post last night but the thread was locked before it got put on the board. Now I can't remember what my "great words of wisdom" (lol) were.

I do know I said a couple of things to you:

One was that you are quite right. Some of us here (me included) didn't stop at once, we went right on and had long A's. My A was 18 months long. I didn't stop after once and come for help on an infidelity board. For that I really, really commend you.

The second thing was the fact that you DID come here to MB looking for help and/or advice. I'm sure that this sort of stuff happens ALL the time but people just try to forget it or push it under the carpet hoping it'll never see the light of day. Because you're still here and still listening I really think you want to do the right thing. You know the right thing is telling your H and I also understand how totally scary a thought that is.

But..... if you want a good marriage. A good long loving marriage where this will NEVER happen again you are going to have to face him. Trust me, he will find out.

You can learn boundaries here and precautions and how to protect your marriage and not just "live in the day".

You also asked if he would be upset after finding out after 21 years. I can tell you from my 55 years old to your 29 years old that old hurts, old secrets and old lies hurt much,much more when they've been hidden and the longer they're hidden, the more they hurt.

It's true.
You can't change what you don't acknowledge or don't understand.
So, if you have NO IDEA how you went from friend to ~~~> co-adulterer ... you have NO CLUE how to prevent it in the future.

Thanks this actually helped

How about I never be in a room with him alone much less while drunk.

How about you are never alone in a room with ANY man.

(your husband is the only exception)

how about I never leave my room ever again that way Im certanly wont cheat again.

How about you don't drink alcohol again, ever!

Well, I'm glad you're taking this seriously.

That might be a good idea since you are so dangerous. You are a loose cannon who lost her panties.

A woman who isn't bright enough to keep her panties on should not leave her room. I agree with that.

For waht is worth I was cheated on, my ex before my husband, and it hurt it still hurts I never thought I would be on the other side of this, and honestly I wish I never found out, the pain was too much.

How about you become scrupulously honest and tell your female friend what you've done with her husband?

Yes, adultery is painful. So are LIES about adultery.

"How about I never be in a room with him alone much less while drunk."

Ah no. That's not it. Personally, I couldn't see these people again after this. I would throw up with guilt.

Edited to add: Y'know at 29 you think you'll be friends with the same people all your life. Friends come and friends go but you and your H will be together forever (hopefully).

Your marriage is far more important than a friendship. Far, far, far, far more important. That friendship is now impossible anyway.

they are my best friends my business partners you dont get it my relationship with them is almost as important as my relationship with my husband I cannot stand the thought of losing them as friends.

But you CAN stand the thought of a long term lie to the friend you BETRAYED when you became a co-adulterer with her husband.

Doesn't it make you want to throw up when you think about what you did to your husband and your good friend?
How could you face either of them?

I know this for a fact, friends do not screw other friend's husbands and then lie about it.

If you are a friend, who needs your friendship?

Your "friendship" is dangerous !

You've already lost them. You just haven't accepted it yet. MB aside, I've never seen a recovery program after an affair that allows you to remain friends with the affair partner.

You don't get it. You are not a "friend," you are an enemy. You already lost them. You are no "friend," that is another one of your lies.

Any woman who pulls off her panties with another woman's HUSBAND in her home is an ENEMY. You are no friend.

TRUTH !!!

No decent woman would be your friend. You are dangerous. You are no "friend."

I must say, this one really hit my gag reflex.

This is someone's definition of a FRIEND?

oh FFS they are my friends you dont know us.... I would do anything for either of them... it wsa a mistake a stupid mistake a really really stupid mistake its not going to be over because of this.

Okey dokie good night people.... Thank you all who tried to be helpful.

Yes, you would "do anything," including taking off your panties and screwing her husband like a jackrabbit in heat in HER HOUSE.

You are no friend. You are her biggest enemy.

lokil

If you want to be a different person than who you were the other night, you cannot be friends with OM. He IS an adulterer (same as you) but if he doesn't tell his wife, then you should not be friends with OM. He is a man without character and you and your husband will be busy working on your new marriage of honesty.

So you cannot be friends with OM because he is not the type of person you want to associate with. (Because you don't want to be a 'ho and will change, tell your H and work your butt off).

And, you can't be friends with OM's wife since you screwed her H. It is just not possible to be a friend to her with what has happened without telling her the truth.

So you tell your H and you figure this out together.

If you really mean this, then do it. Tell them the truth, then stay away from them. Write a No-Contact letter and make a commitment to never contact your friend's husband again. Give them a chance to heal their marriage and recover from the terrible damage you have caused.

Then, do the same thing for your husband.

Sorry Writer for my lack of tact. I was hoping to elicit the gag reflex in the OP, not the innocent bystanders.

You're welcome

The TRUTH shall set you free.

Lokil,
You respond to everyone's posts with the same thing. That these people are your "friends" and that you are going to make it work with your husband. So, you sound like you've figured it out.

I'm just curious...What is your plan?

It's okay. I'm fine now. That's what i get for reading posts during dinner.

I think that the ONLY time someone writes

"don't judge me"

is when they KNOW their actions will be judged because they KNOW they have acted badly!

A person never says:

"I educate my child .... please don't judge me."
"I've been faithful to my vows ... please don't judge me."
"I got an A on my book report ... please don't judge me."
"I exercised and watched my diet and lost 35 pounds ... please don't judge me."

They might say:

"I don't make my child attend school ... please don't judge me."
"I've cheated on my spouse ... please don't judge me."
"I failed my book report ... please don't judge me."
"I ate 12 donuts and sat around on my butt all day and now I am fat ... please don't judge me."

It is a that your conscience bothers you when you say:

"Please don't judge me"

You know your actions deserve scrutiny - but you reject that very same scrutiny.

Judge away if there was a town square I would stand in the middle so you can all throw rocks at me.

OMG this thread is only two days old and its got 40 pages of posts.

Lokl or however its spelled, you are driving a wedge between you and your friends marriages.

Are you guys like in high school or something? Sounds like a childhood party fantasy more than someone who wants to live responsibly with a mate for life.

What are you smokin? I hope you get a more mature outlook on life and just read up on what infidelity does to people.

Well good luck and maybe you will get seriuos eventually but untill you realize that you can't do everything that feels good at the time don't expect anyone to be there when your looks and libido run out.

Momma told me not to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

Grampa told me not to argue with a crazy person either

I don't throw rocks. I throw truth and insight.

I want you to acknowledge that you are CURRENTLY a liar and a cheat, and then, I want you to construct a PLAN where you distance yourself from those characteristics.

So far, your "plan" is to continue to lie and continue to betray your friend.

My plan is to tell my husband to screw my friend so we are even. end sarcasm

I do not have a plan for now im going to wait until febraury 6 when my husband gets home I wont do anything between now and then

You are a comfortable liar and co-adulterer.

lokil, the problem is that you DON'T JUDGE right from wrong. That is why you are in this mess. That is why you are dangerous to others.

Your lack of judgment is why you took your panties off and did a married man in his wife's home.

Lol so two wrongs make a right now. Are you like ten years old? I don't even think you are real.

This person is wasting our time.

I already know how bad things are just because you keep repeating it it wont make me know it more, I know how bad it is I know i [censored] up I`m a cheating cheater who cheats what else do you want from me people.

FWIW I think Lokil is real. I recognise sarcasm used as a defense. It's always mine.

I hope you think about we've all said between now and Feb 6. I'm sure you will.

Ok ..Im sorry but you need deep help and I hope you wake up. I shouldn't be picking on you.

Good luck kiddo

A change of heart and mind.
Honesty and openness.
Integrity.

There is plenty to do before Feb 6th, alot of planning on how you are going to shore up your boundaries.

I am going to assume that you are going to tell your husband, cuz I am a crazy optimist. Now, best case scenario IMO is that you and your H would agree on how to tell GF. Since there is so much time before your H gets home, what is your plan for how to deal with OM and his betrayed wife?

I was supossed to see them this weekend, I want to see them I want to know if she knows, I hope she calls

a) honesty

b) keep your panties on around men

c) stay away from the OM's wife because you are an ENEMY

lokil, one more thing before I go.

You came here for something. You could have just let this rot your insides for the rest of your life, hanging on to it until you die.

But you came here. You ask what we want from you. What did you want from us?

I know you've had some tough stuff thrown at you but it's all true. I really do hope you'll calm down and read what people have said, even the rough stuff. It's said to make you aware that all our actions have consequences.

Also, what Pep said. Honesty and openness and integrity.

This is awful.
How heartless you are, it's STUNNING !

Yo know what I`m not your husband I`m sorry he cheats on you. Yes I want to the right thing for us i`m beeing s honest as can be.

Carnac doesn't see this ending magnificently. Or even well.

tl

If you are not going to tell OM's wife at this point, PLEASE have the decency to stay away from her until your H comes home and you can tell her together.

PLEASE do not be the 'ho that drinks with you GF when you have screwed her H in her home. PLEASE don't be that person.

I came here for someone to tell me that they did what I did and at the end eveything was fine, thats what I came looking here, I did ended up learning your point of view perhaps telling is hte right thing to do. Im not heartless Ive been agonizing through this for 2 days.

Prove it by being honest with your "friend".

TODAY

I know you aren't my husband. He is an honest person. you are not.

44 45 pages and counting..

seriously. If you are young and really really want help. Don't try to handle this without talking to your husband first.

Then do some counselling and research about what the chemistry of sexual intercourse creates between two people and why adultry is such a damaging issue.

Its time to get seriuos about this. Don't bury it and hope it all goes away.

I would avoid the friends untill you get it together with husband.

He has to be the most important person in your life. He belongs to you and you to him. Don't try to escape this reality.

lokil I can see that.

As to everything in the end being fine. Well, in a lot of cases it is and in a lot of cases it isn't, but it took everything those people had. 2 years is the minimum time for most people to even feel or be normal again. Your marriage is very young and your H may make the decision that you aren't worth being married to. That's his right to make that decision. Yes, I know that makes it even harder to think about telling him but marriage isn't just for a couple of years. It's for the long haul.

You married your H, you obviously married him thinking you'd be married forever - I hope so anyway. If your marriage is going to be a great marriage, a happy marriage with kids and dogs and all the other stuff, it has to be an honest marriage. If you are a good person and not a heartless person, this secret will rot you from the inside.

Hypothetical question after 45 pages;

Lokil...say you go by your "friend's" house with a bottle of chablis and "oops" she isn't there, but her H is. He invites you in and says his W is out shopping for an hour.

You (fill in the blanks).

I never go knocking on their door without calling first.

Good for you. I'm glad your etiquette extends that far...guess just not far enough to not bang your friend's H. But, ok...I'm done playing this silly back and forth with this one.

Good luck and stay the heck away from my husband.

I never go knocking on their door without calling first.

So polite! Did you remember to ASK THE WIFE FIRST before knocking boots with her husband????

Helpful as always Bubbles

Dont you see there are some people telling you that they did what you did and are on their way to working on a great M....and they are telling you how to go about it...It is not a point of view that you are getting here. It is advice from people who have lived through this and in addition have seen stories countless times on this website.

Telling is the ONLY right thing to do, not perhaps....It is the only way your M will be okay, and if your H decides he doesnt want to stay married to you, then he deserves that choice, please care about him more than yourself. He deserves to know....and so does the Wife of your friend.

"How about I never be in a room with him alone much less while drunk."

No no no no no!

When are you going to get it NC forever now?

This isnt the "How many MBers does it take to make me unscrew my friends husband". You have done the damage, it is not gonna go away. I think everybody on MB has tried to help save you and your Marriage, if it can be saved at all..This is your best chance.

"they are my best friends my business partners you dont get it "

You don't get it. Oh how the full story drips out ever so slowly.

You are going to either buy them out, or sell out to them. Only way to have NC.

Yet, we all keep coming back for more...especially me...I think because I just want to save these two marriages because she is here at the beginning....but she is gonna wait until it is a LTA...I keep coming here thinkn she will get it...

If it were my WH here I would want people to do this to him...but I think this might be hopelss...Just pray everyone, thats all we can do I guess.

On the outside chance that what we are dealing with is someone with all the lights on and nobody home.

I hope that you are here lok to find out what to do. Many of us have expressed our distain for your loose standards in your relationships and what seems to be a seriuos lack of morals.

Maybe you have a lot of guts but never listened to anyone your whole life and now after this seriuos car accident you think you can go back and fix it easily. What ppl are telling you is that its harder than you think. You have to protect yourself before you act. It won't do any good to put the kids in the carseat after you have a headon collision.

So in that spirit I will say this. The 2x4s that have been leveled at you are part of this bootcamp you have dived into to help you. Your concepts need to be broken down and rebuilt because you are dangerous to the troops. The troops being your Husband and friends.

You probably think that all can be forgiven and forgotten but what you don't know yet is what will happen over time to you, your husband, and your friends. If this is not dealt with out in the open and you don't drastically change how you operate in your marriage you and they will suffer.Your youthful strength will wane and all the denial in the world will not speak loud enough in your head as you age to drown out the mistakes. You will either stand up and deal with this now like a Woman with guts and spirit or you will lie to cover a lie to cover a lie till reality is just some concept with no depth and it is too late to repair your life.

I warn you about this because you asked what you can do and you asked how. I could give you the "Its gonna be alright dear" speech and seem like a freind but I would rather be a freind and tell you the truth.

That being said do some thinking, reading, and seek counsel. I recommend the Doc H because he will be straight with you and he knows his Sheit. Any help for you will be better than tring to change the rules of what a marriage is to fit your "beliefs" on what you want it to be.

I don't know if you believe in God or respect the wisdom of the bible but this was allways an interesting point I found in it. Adultry is the only act that God says is a good enough reason to divorce. Figures right? Sex is the most personal act you can do with someone else and it creates life. It is intended to be shared with a mate and be respected but the world uses it to sell make-up and clothes and popularity contests. Many ppl fall into the pits of self-abuse and use their bodies like a toy. The act of making love is blessed in the marital union before God. Why even try to be married before God if you don't want to respect what it means to be married? I am talking about the spiritual union here, not just the legal mandates given out by the state which basically just act as animal control rules. This site is dedicated to the higher spiritual law of marriage whether the ppl are christians or buddists it doesn't matter.
God as we know him has given us rules that apply to marriage based on natural law that we all are subject to. You can try to get around them but you will be wasting your time.

Time to rethink what you believe in and what you can expect to come from your actions. Adultry does not have to end a marriage but it takes complete honesty and a lot of work to overcome the damage. Anything less than total commitment will leave areas that are empty that are supposed to be full.
You get ou of it what you put into it. You reap what you sow.

Think about what was writen here and stop responding with half baked ideas like "making it even" and "Fixing it" with His wife.

lokil

However attacked you feel in here just do yourself one favour today, go look at the profiles of the people that are advising you and just think about what their motives are cause you seem to be thinking they are here to take their own issues out on you and thats just not the case. Look at the vets who have been here YEARS and YEARS and years, who have selflessly helped tons of people with good sound advice and then cut the sarcasm. I have no doubt you feel bad but its not their fault they were called to help by your post and thats what they are doing. Who do you think is thinking more clearly right at this moment? you the person who is falling apart or them the people who have sorted their lives out and are happily recovering from an Affair?

How many people replied to your post?? How many people are telling you the same thing? do you think that maybe just maybe your right and 30-40 people are wrong??

They have such a great understanding of Affairs and how they happen its sad that you seem to have convinced yourself that you are somehow "Different" or that your circumstances are exeptional when in fact you fit right into the profile of WS/OW.

Please wake up get yourself together and do the right thing. Take the punishment you have earned and learn from it and be a better person. Not a liar nor a homewrecker which is the way your heading right now.

Carry on the way you are and there is no hope in hell for you or your family to get anywhere better and that is a FACT. And please dont even think about bringing a baby into this mess, wouldnt be fair on him/her.

Lokil

I think you are a decent person who made a terrible mistake, terrible one.

You now have the unique chance to continue being a decent person by correcting that mistake doing the right thing. The right thing is to tell your husband and your GF and never ever again have any contact with the OM.

Yes, they are hard and harsh things to do but the mistake was also lifechanging. It changed a whole lot of lives even if those whose life it changed don�t know it yet and you think that by not knowing it won�t change thir lives. It will.

To start with you know, and now you are a different person. It has changed your perception of yourself and unless you take the steps necessary to correct your mistake, everything you do from now on will keep changing you into someone you never wanted to be.

Can you really continue to consider yourself a friend to your "friend" after having sex with her husband? And knowing that he deceived her, you are not warning her?

You have ONE chance on february 6th to be a decent, honest person. After that everything gets worse, more complicated because there will have to be lies, and who knows what else, the possibilities of the dishonest and immoral things that you might be faced with are too awful to even imagine. But one thing will lead to the other, one lie to another, one situation to another all built on this one "mistake".

Your mistake was a lifechanging event. Nothing can undo it. It cannot be denied. The most important thing is what you do about it, that will determine the direction your life will take from now on.

I hope you will take the days remaining until your husband comes home to re read the good advice on this thread, read other threads to see what life is like during and after infidelity, read Dr. Harley�s experience about what makes a good marriage, and make the right decision. It�s a UNIQUE moment. You will never have this chance again.

And keep away from your friends until you have made a conscious decision.

Lokil,

I imagine something like this is going through your mind...

"I'm not a bad person, I'm a good person who has made a stupid drunken mistake, and it's a mistake I'll never make again because I feel so very bad about it now".

I'm going to brush over the poor thinking because it's been done to death.

However, if you are thinking something along those lines and you intend not to tell on the basis of that poor thinking then you are surely turning from a decent person who has made a terrible mistake to a cruel manipulative selfish woman whose premeditated actions will prove her true character.

What you decide to do next will be the measure of your worth as a person. Do the wrong thing and it will eat away at you for the rest of your life. It will damage you as a person, and it will damage your M.

Oh and I doubt that this is the first time he has done this. Next time he may get caught in the act, he and his wife will then throw nasty drunken words at each other. The argument will escalate until he says something along the lines of "go and cry with your bestest friend then, you know the one I ****ed last year".

This WILL eventually happen. I can more or less guarantee it. You will have to endure being loved by your H, possibly having a child, building a family and all with the knowledge that this WILL come out at some point.

That's not a life I would wish on anyone. So do yourself a favour and TELL THE TRUTH.

I suggest someone give her a link to TOW website or something similar where she will find her "there-there's" and "pat-pats" because it's clear that's all she wants. Forty-six pages and all she's done is stand her ground and argue.

Ok, I saw them, she texted me that she wanted to meet and i assumed she knew everything and wanted to punch me i would have let her, I went to pick her up and I was surprised to see he came, I did not want to see him, it was a very weird night i was never alone with him, he told me a couple of things by pasing he said I wish I could tell you what I'm thinking but i can't I asked him to tell me and he just walked away, the second time he told me I dont regret it I told him I do and he walked away again, after a few hours the weirdness kind of faded and it was us being normal again like always. I wont see them again until my husband comes home I really needed to know if he told her.

I hear the Affair wheels starting to turn...

Lokil,

So you really are going to be the skank that hangs out with a woman after banging her H.

Everytime she pours you a drink, will you wonder if she knows and laced your drink??

Like I told you, my sister did the same thing. I am disgusted.

You can turn this around anytime, but everyday that passes makes it worse.

Lokil,

now you have proof that your friend�s husband is willing to be unfaithful with no remorse.

He won�t stop.

this is how affairs begin....

are you really a friend? Tell his wife.