Am I overreacting? - 01/30/10 07:31 AM
Hi. Long time reader, first time posting. My wife and I have been married for 19 years (I am 42. She, 40). The first half of our marriage was extremely rocky - she had 3 PA's & 3 EA's that I know of - but we stuck together & managed to raise two great kids in spite of it all. Both kids are in the top 10% of their class. My son just turned 18 and just received a full-tuition scholarship when he starts college next semester. My daughter is 15 1/2 and is performing at a high level as well.
The last PA was in 1999. We never received any formal counseling, however, we muddled through recovery surprisingly following some MB-type principles. It took us a couple years to become friends again. Our relationship continued to evolve to the point where I thought we were 'happily ever after'.
Then about four weeks ago, I stumbled across a series of emails from my wife to another man. A quick Google search turned up lots of info on OM. Never married, three court cases with judgments against him regarding child support, works as a landscaper, 36 yrs old, reasonably attractive.
I tried really hard to give her the benefit of the doubt on the email exchange, but it was clear, at least from her end, that it wasn't really innocent at all. She gave out her cell# in her second email to him, and when that emailed was returned, she put it out there that if he was ever near her work that she would like to set up a lunch date with him.
I sat on this information for almost a week going back on forth on what to do. I almost posted on MB at that time. This time around, I just felt numb. I had no idea what to do (still don't to be honest with you).
I finally confronted her by asking her to whom did the email address ***** @ yahoo.com belong to? Her skin immediately flushed red, her breathing was noticeably deeper, and she took a big gulp. She was evasive in her answer & casually dismissed it as just a classmate from the previous semester. After stonewalling me for a bit, she realized that I knew a lot more than I let on, and then she admitted she was reaching out to another man. She said she it was at its infancy & he never truly reciprocated her advances. She also realized that it could have lead to more, perhaps even a PA, but emphasized repeatedly that it never got anywhere. She said they had two classes together & spent a lot of time talking to each other. She was flattered that he talked to her, but the talk never advanced past the classroom, hence her emails attempting to extend their connection after the semester was over (emails took place a couple of days before & after Christmas).
She agreed to stop attending class at the same campus as OM & dropped her classes there � and not set foot on campus. However, two days ago, she took a long lunch to go back to the campus to see what she could do to keep her financial aid. She lied to me by saying she was in a lunch meeting at work, and I only found out by calling her work because I needed to ask her a question regarding my work. The person answering said she was out to lunch and there was never a company meeting. She lied & denied this one demanding that I call her coworkers to verify. Her hands started shaking & her voice cracking, so even though she was incredibly convincing, I knew she was lying. She fessed up to the lie, but even so, I have no way of knowing if she is telling the truth about only returning for administrative issues. It really upset me that not only did she break our deal about returning to campus that she suggested, she lied to me about it afterwards to the point of almost yelling at me for challenging her integrity.
To me, the betrayal of her reaching out to another man after all this time is one that I never saw coming. I was completely blindsided by this. We are at a pivotal point in our relationship with respect to our kids and their college future. There�s an awful lot at stake already without having to deal with the discord brought about by this quasi-EA. I say quasi because it seems more one-sided with my wife actively seeking the OM. She is genuinely remorseful and states that she does not know why she does these things.
I�d like to note that outside of all of the PA & EA garbage, she is an amazing mother. Like I said, the kids have been insulated for the most part from all of her affairs & are literally 4.0 students active in varsity sports, etc� Also important to note is that I�ve since learned that she has endured unreal amounts of sexual abuse by multiple family members starting at the age of her first known memories. She is also a couple of semesters shy from completing her undergrad degree in addition to holding down a great full-time job. She is willing to do whatever it takes to save the marriage. She dropped her classes at the campus where OM attends. She set up a joint meeting with a marriage counselor a couple of days ago, which went fairly well. She knows that I intend to post on MB & is willing to follow this thread & post when appropriate. The one point she keeps bringing up is that since it never turned physical, then I am overreacting. Also, she states that while her initial intentions were not innocent, she truly did not think far enough ahead that the relationship with OM might blossom. She only admits that in retrospect that it might have lead to PA, but that is not what she was thinking about when she reached out to OM. As I said earlier, I don�t know what to do at this point, and I know on here I�ll get some guidance and advice. Thank you for listening.
The last PA was in 1999. We never received any formal counseling, however, we muddled through recovery surprisingly following some MB-type principles. It took us a couple years to become friends again. Our relationship continued to evolve to the point where I thought we were 'happily ever after'.
Then about four weeks ago, I stumbled across a series of emails from my wife to another man. A quick Google search turned up lots of info on OM. Never married, three court cases with judgments against him regarding child support, works as a landscaper, 36 yrs old, reasonably attractive.
I tried really hard to give her the benefit of the doubt on the email exchange, but it was clear, at least from her end, that it wasn't really innocent at all. She gave out her cell# in her second email to him, and when that emailed was returned, she put it out there that if he was ever near her work that she would like to set up a lunch date with him.
I sat on this information for almost a week going back on forth on what to do. I almost posted on MB at that time. This time around, I just felt numb. I had no idea what to do (still don't to be honest with you).
I finally confronted her by asking her to whom did the email address ***** @ yahoo.com belong to? Her skin immediately flushed red, her breathing was noticeably deeper, and she took a big gulp. She was evasive in her answer & casually dismissed it as just a classmate from the previous semester. After stonewalling me for a bit, she realized that I knew a lot more than I let on, and then she admitted she was reaching out to another man. She said she it was at its infancy & he never truly reciprocated her advances. She also realized that it could have lead to more, perhaps even a PA, but emphasized repeatedly that it never got anywhere. She said they had two classes together & spent a lot of time talking to each other. She was flattered that he talked to her, but the talk never advanced past the classroom, hence her emails attempting to extend their connection after the semester was over (emails took place a couple of days before & after Christmas).
She agreed to stop attending class at the same campus as OM & dropped her classes there � and not set foot on campus. However, two days ago, she took a long lunch to go back to the campus to see what she could do to keep her financial aid. She lied to me by saying she was in a lunch meeting at work, and I only found out by calling her work because I needed to ask her a question regarding my work. The person answering said she was out to lunch and there was never a company meeting. She lied & denied this one demanding that I call her coworkers to verify. Her hands started shaking & her voice cracking, so even though she was incredibly convincing, I knew she was lying. She fessed up to the lie, but even so, I have no way of knowing if she is telling the truth about only returning for administrative issues. It really upset me that not only did she break our deal about returning to campus that she suggested, she lied to me about it afterwards to the point of almost yelling at me for challenging her integrity.
To me, the betrayal of her reaching out to another man after all this time is one that I never saw coming. I was completely blindsided by this. We are at a pivotal point in our relationship with respect to our kids and their college future. There�s an awful lot at stake already without having to deal with the discord brought about by this quasi-EA. I say quasi because it seems more one-sided with my wife actively seeking the OM. She is genuinely remorseful and states that she does not know why she does these things.
I�d like to note that outside of all of the PA & EA garbage, she is an amazing mother. Like I said, the kids have been insulated for the most part from all of her affairs & are literally 4.0 students active in varsity sports, etc� Also important to note is that I�ve since learned that she has endured unreal amounts of sexual abuse by multiple family members starting at the age of her first known memories. She is also a couple of semesters shy from completing her undergrad degree in addition to holding down a great full-time job. She is willing to do whatever it takes to save the marriage. She dropped her classes at the campus where OM attends. She set up a joint meeting with a marriage counselor a couple of days ago, which went fairly well. She knows that I intend to post on MB & is willing to follow this thread & post when appropriate. The one point she keeps bringing up is that since it never turned physical, then I am overreacting. Also, she states that while her initial intentions were not innocent, she truly did not think far enough ahead that the relationship with OM might blossom. She only admits that in retrospect that it might have lead to PA, but that is not what she was thinking about when she reached out to OM. As I said earlier, I don�t know what to do at this point, and I know on here I�ll get some guidance and advice. Thank you for listening.