First of all here is a link to my original post several months ago....
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2238622&page=1

Ok, so I thought that after being legally divorced and out in the single life..... things would be ok, but they are not. I miss my wife all the time and I don't know when this is ever going to stop. I don't get how you can love someone this much after all they have put you through.

I know we don't have any kids and it would be so easy to just stay gone and not put up with the crap, but I love her.

Anyone care to share some thoughts? Please.

Husband,

Folks here shared their thoughts before and you did not like them. What are you looking for? No one can "kiss it and make it all better". It is time you moved on and got your life sorted out.

JL

I realized how right everyone was and that is why I left her, but I regret it every day. I am just here now asking for advice and ready to listen.

Eighteen pages is too much to read.

It seems that by just learnings remark is that you did not follow MB advice. If you had him and melody and other's of their caliper and you did not follow their advice you blew it.

Did you do full blown exposure?

Did you do a great plan A? For how long?

Anyway is WW seeing the OM? Is there NC? Does WW take calls from you now?

I was posting that more for the first part, so everyone could see the situation.

Anyway, we are now legally divorced and I have not spoke to her since November. I have no idea if nc is in place because I have not been around. I live on my own now and we have been completely seperated. Last I spoke to her, she thinks I dont want to talk to her anymore.

Then call her but you will need to counsel for you to meet her needs and her to have boundaries. In short both have to learn how to be better spouses.

Did people here tell you to divorce her or was that your choice?

Was WW still seeing the OM then?

Sorry you are feeling down about this. It is a big lss and will take time to get over.

Presumably, you divorced because either this was a dealbreker for you or your XWW would nt do the hard work it takes to try to heal the marriage, or a combo of these things.
If your wife was not remorseful and would either not quit cheating or do the work, you really had no choice. samewith if this is a dealbreaker, as it is for the majority of folks, Harely included.
This may take a good long time to get past. It will get better, I assure you. There are good , faithful women out there, if you desire another relationship. If not, your life cn be full and rich without a relationship.
Just takes time to come to grips with this stuff. It is a huge trauma.

I divorced because she was not willing to do the work because she felt like I would never get over it. My understanding is she is not seeing him anymore, but of course I do not know for sure.

How long did you go from finding out til divorcing WW?

Well, there you have it. what choice did you have, live a life with someone not doing the work?
It's quite simple. If they will not do the work, one must leave to be happy. You deserve to be happy.

My problem was that she thought I would never forgive her and that is why she wasn't willing. I understand if she didnt want to try, but she can't assume how I will act, right?

Hubby4life,
You've only been single since November. You're still in a grieving period. It's natural for you to miss your wife and your prior married life. You shouldn't be making any decisions right now about your WW. You have the luxury of living your life fully while she can decide if she wants to do the work and demonstrate through actions that she wants to. I will tell you another hard truth. If she truly loved you and wanted it to work, she wouldn't care that you didn't want to speak to her, she would still try to work at R with you.

Gg

Thank you for the good advice. I will wait her out. We have only been divorced since November, but have been apart since May 09.

I have heard this very recently. It is an excuse and easier than saying "I really don't want to even try." She is trying to put some of the responsibility for not trying on you, when it's really her decision. With the divorce final, I think you can safely assume that she has no interest in trying.

That is an excuse to not on the marriage. A wayward who sincerely wanted to save her marriage would do whatever it takes to HELP YOU GET OVER IT. She was not willing so she used this as an excuse.

Thanks for the support everyone, I think you all helped me understand my decision even more.

Why wait her out? What does that even mean? You are divorced. I think you should move forward with your life. I am not a professional, but I would never counsel someone to worry about what their ex-spouse is doing unless there are kids involved. Let time heal the wound. Your divorce is new so this is all raw for you. If you need help getting your mind off of it, try picking up a new hobby. Try salsa dancing to combine fun, exercise, a "marketable" skill, and a new group of friends!

Anything but dwelling on your ex-WW.

Also, I agree with the other posters. She just gave you an excuse that made it your fault why she wouldn't work on it.

I agree, and I am just going to go on about my life. I will keep her as a texting buddy for now, but she would really have to show me a lot to work on things. I can say that I see everyones point now though and I will not go out of my way for her at all.

I would even suggest you don't waste your time texting her. Thats going to keep your mind on her and I think you need distance from the source of your pain. If you have an aversion to just ignoring her, shoot her a quick text that says you are taking a break to focus on your own healing and then don't respond to her after that. You owe her nothing. There are plenty of women out there that you could have a relationship with that is not burdened by past cheating. Take some time for yourself and then go meet one.

I have spoken to my wife zero times since the day the divorce was finalized. I can't imagine why I would want to continue talking to a woman who put me through the worst pain I have ever experienced.

What in the heck is a "texting buddy?" Is this some kind of weird "friend with benefits" thing?

Hey, you're divorced, right? Divorce means the two of you could not reconcile your marriage. It's time for you to go your separate ways.

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but if there's any reason for the two of you to get back together again, you should do so in some form a little less "throw-away" than text messaging!

Many a divorced couple have remarried. If you want it. Proceed slow. XWW has to show she is willing to do what it takes to you. So do you to her.

Texting buddy? How can you have a texting buddy with someone you have such a significant history with?

No, no, no.

She needs to be X'd out of your life. Don't give her "free rent" in your mind. Get her out. She's gone from your life. She doesn't want you or respect you.

Guess what, though? YOU are worthy of love and respect. And there are TONS of girls out there in the world who would give you both joyfully.

You can't even imagine what a wonderful world is out there waiting for you. SEIZE IT!

This is like a starving dog who is trying to scratch his way into a garbage can for some rotten meat gristle, so consumed with his "mission" that he doesn't even see the fresh steaks filling the street behind him.

Best regards,

ConfuzedHusband

Point taken everyone, just sent her a text to say that I am going to focus on healing.

Good man! It will probably be painful at first and you may think about her alot. Just keep focused and tried to keep your mind busy. Soon enough, you will find it doesn't even occur to you to text or call her.

If she presses you on this, just tell her that she inflicted this pain on you, so it doesn't make sense to keep the source of that pain close while you try and heal.

She will not try to push the issue and I already know that. I just wish things were much different. I do understand why I need to not text her.