Found out about husband's affair 18 mths ago with a student in his lab. Told me she had to stay there, had maxed out her lab rotations, etc. I exposed the affair to the ethics committee and my husband was furious.

Meanwhile, she has enemies at work, and several have been harrassing her about this affair. We live near the university, I work from home, and I WAS operating on an unsecured internet connection - until she got all these harrassing emails that were tracked to MY IP! I ended up talking to the police and looking like an idiot. This was last year.

We've been trying to mend the relationship, but they were still secretly seeing each other and every now and again, he talked about leaving. Things have been better between us of late, I thought we were on the right track, be he was still seeing her. When I logged on to MB a couple of weeks ago, everyone recommended re-exposure. I was debating it when apparently, somebody ELSE exposed it yesterday.

I don't know the details - hubby was acting strangely last night and was sullen all morning before he went to work. The last thing he said to me was, "The harrassment continues. I won't be sleeping here tonight, and I'll be making other arrangements to move out." Before I could pick my jaw up off the floor, he was gone.

What do I do now? We have 3 kids, ages 12, 10, & 7.

If you have done a solid plan A then you go to Plan B.

Don't you find it funny he calls it "harrassment" when they are the ones who are doing wrong?

How did you find out he was still in the A?

Me thinks there might be an other other woman at work.

DITTO!!!!!!

I was dragging my feet with re-exposure because I don't have the finances in place for Plan B. Now it's been thrust upon me and I'm a little shaky.

I'm trying to be strong - I don't want him here if he doesn't want to be here - but OW is a piece of work and there are lots of reasons she has enemies. He is SO different when she's not around. If he spends more & more time with her - my guess is he'll move in with her - he'll be pulled over to the "dark side" forever.

Will Plan B really make him see the light - or is he lost forever?

If you can handle it, I suggest you still stay in Plan A. Why ?. Your plan A is working, plan A is forcing him to choose. WH use this excuse to continue his A. Right now he is angry and OW is playing victim. Read SAA, you don't go to plan B just because WH is moving out. Specially when you have kids ... There are more pressures now on OW and H.

How was your plan A ?.

-rh-

He was working late, I made a midnight grocery run for a couple of things, drove by his office on way home to see if he was still there, saw him getting into her car. Followed them to the side street a couple houses away from our house where they parked for @ 10 minutes before he got out & went to our house. I sat there boo-hooing for a few minutes until he called me in a panic, wondering where I was. I told him I was at the grocery store and would be home in a few minutes. Calmed myself down and went in a bit later.

I concur with redhat.

No lovebusting. If he talks to you and mentions divorce or never coming back I would

"I don't want a divorce. I want our marriage"

or

"I want you home with me and the kids. We love you."

YK?

Prepare more for B meanwhile (figure out gameplan for it)

Financially, an attorney could help you file for legal separation when B is started to keep you and the children safer.

If you go to plan B you should be ready to loose him forever. Plan B should not be taken lightly.

Plan A was actually going pretty well, given that they were still working together.

When harrassing emails started and they were traced to my IP, OW immediately used that to her advantage to drive a wedge between us, and it worked. It's been tough.

Someone suggested that there's ANOTHER OW - but actually, I suspect it's one of OW discards who's trying to push them apart, and I'M getting all the blame.

This thread has been reassuring - perhaps "a breather" WILL force the matter. Clearly he's lost respect for me since he's so quick to blame me.

Lost respect Why? Beacuse you wont allow him to continue an A ??

Blaming you for what? Why is it wrong for you to EXPOSE the A?
The A is not wrong the exposure is ???

What is happening is that the pressure of the exposure is now going to force him to make choices. He has to DECIDE to continue his A in the open in broad daylight or he has has to decide to end it.
This is where you have to be strong and not try to be on his team and enable the A. You cant save him from the consequences of his actions.Even if you were not the one who exposed the A, you need to send a message that you agree with exposure. Seems to me that you are sending the signal that you want to be on his team and not be the bad guy who is exposing what he is doing.
Every BS has to endure the wrath that exposure causes you cant hide from it but your M can survive it. It wont survive if the exposure is not complete and widespread enough to end the A.

What is happening is that the pressure of the exposure is now going to force him to make choices. He has to DECIDE to continue his A in the open in broad daylight or he has has to decide to end it.
This is where you have to be strong and not try to be on his team and enable the A. [size:17pt]You cant save him from the consequences of his actions.

You're right on all counts. I'm not a confrontational person, but he can't have it both ways. I will have to be strong. He was mad at me after the first exposure, I tried to placate him to keep him in the house, and he & OW got right back together after things died down. Now it's time to dust off my spine and put it to good use.

Thanks for the reminder!

More reasons for you to stay in Plan A for now while you get your plan B figure out (talk to lawyer, finances, write plan B letter, etc). NO LB'ng.

I am guessing WH won't pack his stuff and drag his feet to move out. Don't LB'ng. Ask him to tell the kids and don't be around when he talks to the kids. Don't coach your kids but be there if they have questions for you.

You want to let OW and WH focus on each other and not you.

-rh-

He just took an overnight kit and nothing else, like he's going away on a business trip. He won't be back today. What's LBing?

Plan B would be superb in your situation because you won't be propping up and enabling the affair anymore. If he doesn't have you propping up his affair and feeding the fantasy by helping him hide it, the affair will curl up and die fairly quickly. That�s IF it is really EXPOSED. If it is just a "little" exposed, it can carry on for a long time!! Affairs thrive on secrecy.

My suggestion would be to get an attorney so you are protected legally, file on grounds of adultery, and get spousal support and visitation set up. THEN go into a DARK Plan B. And THEN finish off any remaining exposures.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? I would get that if you don�t. Then check out Greg and Sue�s situation to see what happens to affairs when the WS moves out and they exposed.

WWW, only stay in Plan A for a couple more weeks. Plan A is only supposed to be for 3-4 weeks for women and then Plan B is warranted.

In about 2 weeks, the novelty of being out of the house will wear off and that will be the perfect time to SLAM the door shut.



AND

LOVE BUSTER'ng.

No judgments/disrespect, no demands and no angry outburst.

-rh-

This is the 2nd time the SAME affair has been exposed ?



HE is having an A which is destroying your M and you are trying to be his friend so he does not suffer the SHAME of being labeled a Adulterer ???

Here is a to awaken you from the DENIAL you are in. Stop being his friend who lies for him to cover his A. Start being his wife !!!!

Remember this, WFW. My FWH and his AP went underground because her BS's exposure was partial and poorly done in the hopes that she wouldn't get mad at him. It wasn't until he properly exposed that the A ended. Exposure is your best weapon. Don't apologize for it and don't be afraid to use it.

Plan B will do neither.

Plan B is not about him.

Plan B is about protecting what little love you have left for him so that IF he ever decides to reconcile, you are still willing.

If you don't have Surviving an Affair (SAA) I highly recommend you get a copy. You can purchase it online here, or through amazon.com, or many libraries have a copy.

WH is a professor and OW is a student in lab. University policy says this is an ethics violation and to report ethics violations to the ethics committee. Did that. WH thought he would get canned, but Provost told him (at least, this is what WH said), 'Hey, you're both consenting adults. We'll look the other way so long as you don't give her preferential treatment." WTf??!

Of COURSE he gives her preferential treatment! That's why she's chasing him! She went from almost being thrown out of the program to having a red-hot career, because of my WH! Univ ENABLED it by not following their own policy!

WH was embarrassed, but exposure was only limited to top tier, Provost & dept head. WH didn't tell me what happened this time around, only that he was not staying here tonight and would "make other arrangements," but I heard from one of the grad students today that a nasty email was sent to OW and copied to everyone in the dept. OW is being ridiculed, and it's not pretty.

You might have a case to sue the university for alienation of affections depending on which state you live in. Talk to a lawyer and see if you have a case.



Good ... you need to stay in Plan A for a 'lil bit. Let them focus on that and not on you.

-rh-

We don't live in one of those states - already checked that - but I was TOTALLY TICKED that they wouldn't even follow their own rules. Grad student said today that email that was sent to OW gave a list of student policies she'd violated and that she should 'pack her bags' and expect to be forcibly ejected for the program. Given how widely that email was distributed, it should be interesting to see what they do...

Yeap ... it doesn't hurt if that email got forwarded to local news channels, whoever higher than Provost ... state governments ?, email of wives of donors to Univ ?. Make sure you have nothing to do with it .

-rh-

This is the truth.

LOL! Decided to take wannamoveforward's advice and act like a wife.

Txtd him I'd seen the email and that he was a f*king b*std! He txted right back and said of course I'd seen it, I'd WRITTEN it - it sounded the same as the other harrassing emails OW had received. Told him the only thing that sounded the same to me was the cheating husband - and did he want me to pack the rest of his stuff in boxes or suitcases?

He immediately tried the "we're just friends" routine. Not buying it, of course, but I've been smiling for an hour at how quickly losing the safety net has unsettled him....

Thanks wannamoveforward!

mmm...standing up for yourself is one thing, but you want to do it without introducing LBs into the conversation...

That was definitely an AO (angry outburst)...

You might want to notify the mods to combine your two threads.

I second this.........it better to stick to one thread so we don't have to look everywhere for the pieces to your story.....

Not2fun

Do not expect the university to do anything. My H is having a relationship with his grad student and the university has done nothing as far as I know even after I exposed to someone pretty high up. Had to go over H's Dean because he's married to a former student himself......it's such a frequent occurance that its common in universities, and the excuse "they're both consenting adults" is the typical response. Ethics rules are laughable in universities.....they're on paper but rarely enforced.

Get an attorney NOW. Make sure you and your kids are protected financially. This guy has been playing both sides of the fence for too long.....wife and kids waiting for him at home and boinking the student for some excitement on the side.

I thought you were in Plan A?
Plan A is about meeting ENs and avoiding LBs.
This was not at all Plan A.
You can have a spine and still do Plan A; Plan A does not mean you have to be a doormat. But you do have to avoid LBs, and you have to meet ENs whilst in Plan A.

. You are not being his wife ... he will run to OW and I hope OW is not skillful in comforting your WH and be his new safety net.

worse, this is how someone acts who has been subjected to abuse for YEARS.......... and it will get worse. This is why Dr Harley recommends plan A for about 3 weeks for women.

PLEASE get your ducks in a row and go into Plan B. File for separation/divorce and get yourself legally protected. GO DARK and do it soon.

Your Taker is taking over.

Yikes. Takers don't like not having things going their way. Nope. They don't.

Your Giver is the vessel of Plan A though, not your Taker.

We all are tempted to let our Takers go to town at certain junctures.

Anyway.

How was the "IP" discovered/checked out to be yours. If it was and you didn't write them, did WH? did OW? Who had access to your IP?

Try to calm down and know that there is something way fishy here and needs to be figured out and apoligize for loosing it. Even if it was a valid reaction to the situation, it won't be beneficial in any way for you to let anger roar.

I often tell myself that anger won't solve any of my issues and would just make them worse.

YK.

in MB's term ... a giver snaps.

You're right - it was an angry outburst and childish, but I wanted a response from him and got it. He tried the "we just work together" routine and I told him I wasn't buying it, that his detachment this last year proved it. In the initial stages of Plan A, he made an effort; after the harrassing emails, he pretty much stopped and talked on and off about moving out. We talked about counseling, about trying different programs, etc., but it just never happened.

Couldn't sleep 2night, drove by OW apt to see if his car was there. It wasn't. Shocked-thought he'd run right over there...

Installed home network, didn't secure router, didn't think I needed to. OW took emails straight to univ police, they got warrant & traced it to our IP. Live on busy street near Univ, someone could have been sitting in parking lot across street & used our router.

Abuse? I never thought about it that way, but you're right, he's been toying with my emotions for about 3 years now & it's gotten progressively worse. I tend to forget that when the great guy I married resurfaces every now & again, when the monster OW has turned him into recedes.

Hate the rollercoaster - one minute I think "to hell with him!" and the next I'm thinking, "yeah, we can work this out."

"but Provost told him (at least, this is what WH said), 'Hey, you're both consenting adults. We'll look the other way "

Expose the provost. Tell University pres, CC Dir of HR abd the Board. In this case expose provost's wife that he thinks it's ok to have an affair. That he does not have to follow rules at work.

Obviously he could have parked it elsewhere. I've been there, done that.

Just wanted to repeat this - I was actually going to refer you to Ladylonglegs's thread when I saw she posted. Universities are notorious for doing nothing about this. They are the oldest "old boys club" around and it wouldn't surprise me if they don't pat each other on the back for this at faculty meetings. I have worked in and around academia for 25 years and I have only ever ONCE seen the university take action and that was because the prof sleeping with the student was a woman. They never, EVER go after the male professors. If they do decide to take action, it will be against the female student and even then the worst they usually do is move them to another lab (though that student's reputation is often damaged in the process).

I'm not telling you this to make you feel even more helpless than you already do. But you do need to know what you are up against. You would be better off going public (local news) and if you really want an impact, send a letter to the president of whatever professional society WH belongs to and cc it to your state and local newspapers as well as any campus rag. Make sure you indicate the lack of action the university took and play up the fact that OW gets special treatment so it's not just horrible to you, but to every other student on campus.

No, university will do nothing. WH gone last night, crashed with one of his male grad students, returned this morning right before I took kids to school. We talked when I got back. Told me he was called to HR yesterday and they told him that he was to "get this handled, it was 'a distraction.'" Gee - crisis for me = distraction for them! Sorry to be a nuisance! If you'd followed your own rules, it would have been resolved!

Told WH had been on MB forum, that others harrassing & exposing is classic OTHER OW behavior. He told me that was b.s., he didn't know anyone who "had it in for him." He's still blaming me, accusing me. Told him I'd been through hell and was done with the relationship as it is. He can move out, or we can go to counseling. He doesn't want to go to counseling, but I also don't think he really wants to move out. We talked for 20 minutes and really didn't resolve anything; he had to leave to teach class.

Still insisted there's no PA, as he has since the start, but I don't believe him. Told him they had an EA, that he was turning to her for things he should have been talking to me about. Told him I was tired of him justifying that relationship, because it was destroying our marriage. I don't like it, they both knew it, but they continued anyway. Seemed surprised by the notion of an EA - I know we talked about it before, but this is the first time I think it sunk in.

Got the impression that OW is beyond ticked and not speaking to him. Don't know where we stand right now...

Drove around the entire parking lot, didn't see it. Learned this morning he crashed with a male grad student because OW isn't talking to him since the exposure.

I really hope you read and understood well MB basic concept and applied it. If you just want to rant and do whatever is coming, we will be here listening.

God Bless.

-rh-

Worse, is there any kind of PLAN here? What is your plan?

Thanks, redhat, I really appreciate all the support.

I've felt so alone for so long, because my best friend - my husband - betrayed me, and I haven't had any to talk to since. My family and friends know nothing of this drama - my parents are deceased, my siblings are scattered, and I was so ashamed for so long because I felt like I had failed. Lots of tears, lots of drinking, lots of medical problems this last year - just learned yesterday that my normally 100/60 blood pressure had jumped to 160/80 after he told me he was going to leave. None of it good and cannot continue.

I did read the basic concepts and started the conversation by apologizing for being so nasty in my text. I told him I still loved him and wanted to make our marriage work, but there were 3 people in this marriage and that one had to go. If she didn't, I would.

He's still blaming me for everything - finances, harrassing emails, yesterday's exposure - and acts like his 3+ year relationship with this student isn't any big deal. I watch the kids, run the house, do EVERYTHING here, and let him work as much as he wants. But he says he's felt like he's been on a short chain these last 18 months because I text him when he works late and occasionally show up at his office unannounced. Duh!

Anyway, do appreciate the sounding board. It's helping me navigate these exceedingly choppy waters.

[quote=MelodyLane
Worse, is there any kind of PLAN here? What is your plan? [/quote]

We don't have a plan. I don't know if he's coming home tonight or not.

WFW- I think she means what is YOUR plan for yourself?

Get my finances in order and prepare for the worst.

I am glad you are standing up and not being doormat any more.
However...
You have to do that in a manner that avoids LB's and AO's.
Anger and threats get us no where, especially empty threats where both parties know that it is not going to be follwe thru.

You need to show him the loving wife you are and the love you can have for your M while being firm with your boundaries of what is acceptable in the M and what is not.


Good start .
Now how you plan on enforcing the If she didn't, I would part of your speach.
Did you read up on the carrot and stick of plan A?
You cant do one without the other.

WRONG ANSWER !!!

How is that Marriage Building?
Do you want to save your M or not ?
If you want to save your M then stop putting your energy towards disolving and it and work on a plan for saving it.

So try again.

This is a totally normal internal dialogue for any person involved (betrayed spouse, wayward spouse, other person).

As mentioned in the book Surviving An Affair (not sure which page), there are advantages and disadvantages to both scenarios.

What you need to do is stick to the Marriage Builders Plan so that your options stay open longer. Saying phewy on the relationship is more difficult to recover from than proceeding with hope to restore.

He keeps telling me the finances ARE the problem. If we can work towards remedying that, it will address his biggest issue and give me the resources I need should things fall apart. Two birds/one stone.

We don't have a plan. I don't know if he's coming home tonight or not. [/quote]

Worse, I am talking about your plan. Your plan right now seems to be more of the same, which is a REACTIONARY plan to a fogged out wayward. That plan has availed you nothing except an 18 month affair where you get more and more worn down.

This will all continue until you stop doing that and formulate a plan to save your marriage.

Did you read any of our posts about Plan B?

This a good start. But, you will probably have to file for divorce or separation FIRST to get legal protection before you go into Plan B. He will be expected to pay the bills and support his family in the same way.

Wow thats one I have not heard before.

He had the A because you guys have financial problems and as soon as you guys win the lottery you and him will fall in love and live happily ever after .

Or wait
may be he means you are such a burden on him and if only you can figure out a way to be financially independent then he can get rid of the you the parasite and then you and him are both free to find other people to love and live happily ever after .

That is Wayward fog babble , dont let him scr*w up your mind will all that cr*p.

I did read it. I'll need to give it more thought.

Just got text - he stubbornly refuses to believe that anyone but me could have sent the exposure email. In the news we've seen students open fire on campus, grad students stuffing lab mate's bodies in the wall, and a prof gun down her tenure committee, yet he can't believe anyone could be so vindictive as to send nasty emails but me.

<sigh> Is he using this to try to justify his affair? Anyone hear of any other crazy stories like this?

Stop focusing on what he thinks. What does it matter who exposed him? He's HAVING AN AFFAIR with his student. It's wrong. He's suffering the consequences. He'll blame you because you're the source of his problems in his mind. You can't listen to him. You must proceed and protect yourself. It is not a given that you can get your H back and get him to give up OW. Start planning for all the things you need to have in place if he leaves you for OW. He's halfway out the door now.

Matter of factly tell him you are quite willing to take a polygraph test to prove you are telling the truth about not sending the messages.

You are in roller coaster of your life and moving so fast. You, your WH and OW are in same car yet no one is driving it. If you want to save your M, you are in the right place.

You need calm down and ask your self if you are willing to follow MB to save your M.

Doing Plan B w/o Plan A is not recommended but if you keep LB'ng you are better of in Plan B w/ NC.

IMO, this A will not survive under such pressures. You need to put more pressure by doing Plan A. Many MBers will lend you hand on your plan. Consider also seeing your doctor to evaluate you for AD med, it might calm you down. If you could afford it, better yet, call Steve for advice.

-rh-

What difference does it make who exposed him. He's having an affair!!

Yes, I have heard something similar from my WH. When I first found out, I had the cell phone bills with her work number on it. I tried to call her but she never had the nerve to pick up the phone (caller id at work). I tried to call her at home once as well.

OW told my H that I harrassed her and called her over 150 times! In reality, she was calling my cell phone using a *67 and if I p.u., she would stay on the line and not say anything. I also received calls at work as well. It got so bad I had to change my cell number! My sons would answer and started yelling into the phone bc they by then, knew who it was. So I had witnesses of the harrasment and H still didn't believe me.

It hurt me very much, so I can relate. Hang in there!

ba

Time to call the University Security and have a look at the incident report and find out how they figured out it was from you. My guess....that part was made up.

See if you can get something in writing. If there was no report, explain the situation to security and see what you can do about a student claiming a false report...

Worse, tell him that unfortunately you cannot take credit for that GOOD DEED, but the OW should look out, because more is coming.

Y'all are acting like exposure is a BAD THING that needs to be denied; it is a GOOD DEED that needs to be EMBRACED! Embrace it and stop allowing your wayward to indict you as if you did something BAD.

Worse, does the OW have a facebook page? What other ways could you expose her? Facebook exposures are AWESOME because most ppl have their parents and closest friends there. Another great exposure vehicle on college campuses is the student newspaper. Perhaps you could call them up and give them an interview about the affair?

Wht other exposure targets are there?

Ditto to Mel.

And I want to point out that by fretting over this you are allowing him to distract you from the more important thing - he committed ADULTERY!!!!!! Don't be a party to this deception by giving others a chance to be equally distracted. Let him do all the kicking and screaming and people will see him for what he is.

Worse, y'all are acting like the bad thing is EXPOSURE; in reality the bad thing is ADULTERY. Don't let them assign inappropriate guilt.

"dear, I would be PROUD to take credit for that exposure, but unfortunately I cannot. please tell your mistress that i will be taking credit for the NEXT ONE!!"

BE PROUD AND LOUD!!

LOL - appreciate the support!

Last 24 hours have been nothing short of a miracle. Keep hearing "Twilight Zone" theme play in my head with each new revelation.

Here's the story:

I have asthma and have had respiratory infection since last weekend. Went to doctor on Tues, was told it was viral, just rest but watch for pneumonia. Picked up kids from school yesterday, felt like I was at death's door, and knew it was pneumonia.

Txtd WH and asked him for help in dropping off & picking up girls from after school activities so I could go to the ER. He said he'd try, but he had a grant deadline. Translation: I was on my own, as usual.

Dropped girls off at 5 pm. He was home by 6! I was shocked. I went to ER, pneumonia confirmed, given Rx. Once I was in car, I knew I couldn't deal with pharmacy just then, would need to rest before I could go, went home instead. Met him in driveway as he was returning from picking up DD #1. Told him I'd go to pharmacy later. Asked which Rx I was given, and I showed him scripts.

I went up to our room to lay down and promptly fell asleep. Here's what happened while I concerned myself with me:

-He picked up both girls from their activies (had to ask where they were)
-Took DD #2 to Kmart to get some school supplies
-Cooked dinner from him and kids
-Cleaned up
-Took my scripts to pharmacy and waited 40 minutes while they were filled (asked girls which pharmacy)
-Woke me up when he got back, handed me meds and big glass of water & said, "There you go, hon. Sooner you take these, the better you'll feel"

Now I know men go to pharmacies and Kmart and even the grocery store all the time to buy things FOR THEIR FAMILIES, because I've seen them there. But the only reason my WH would venture into any store is if he needed something for HIMSELF. If it doesn't have anything to do with him, he's out. We waited 11 years to have DD #1. She was born at 9:23 pm on a Thursday night. He was back in the lab at 8 am Friday morning. Him, him, him. This is what I've been working with.

So while the above list might not seem like any big deal to any one else, it takes me back to our courting days when he was trying to impress me. I know it's early in the game here, and maybe he was just being nice because I was feeling so bad, but I have a glimmer of hope. We'll see what unfolds...

BTW - Heard from a grad student that the exposing email was forwarded to nearly everyone in the dept, and two OTHER affairs were stopped cold (or put on hold) for fear of discovery. LOL!

Maybe you should stay in bed a little longer.

"Oh im about to die! Dear? could you get me a pop tart. It could be my last pop tart I'll ever eat!"....lol.

Can you use this opportunity to put deposits in his love bank? It looks like he did for you, and wasnt thinking about it. Give him appretiation.

Im a strong believer that you serve the ones you love, and by serving them it creates and even deeper love for them. If there were only a way to get him to serve you without nagging him to meet your needs....(yeah I need to read the books)

Maybe I SHOULD stay in bed a little longer, LOL!

I did thank him for each thing, because when he left yesterday morning, I honestly wasn't sure if he was coming back. He told me after the pharmacy run that he'd left work in such a hurry he'd left his briefcase & laptop & had to go back for them (20 min round trip). He left @ 9:30. When he wasn't back at 11, I didn't expect him home. He woke me up climbing into bed around 1 am.

We'll proceed slowly here. I do intend to make love bank deposits but I won't be a pushover. That's why this has dragged on for so long - I didn't establish firm boundaries the first time around. Now, with OW not talking to him & me asking him if he wanted his stuff packed in boxes or bags, he knows he's on thin ice.

Let's see if we can turn this around and go back to being normal people instead of grisp for the gossip mill. I honestly don't know how celebrities do this, having everyone in their business all the time. So invasive!

Worse, the reason this has dragged on for almost 2 years is because they work together. Until that changes, it will continue to drag on. That is the ONLY "boundary" that will save your marriage. Everything else is a waste of your time.

Focusing on "lovebank deposits" is a distraction from the real problem. That is like focusing on the paint in the girl's bathroom while the Titanic slowly sinks.

Believe me, he knows no such thing. He knows you won't do anything to stop him, but is just waiting for things to die down a bit so he can resume his affair.

Remember to try to plan A at this point. Do not push yourself too far for patience while you are feeling crappy. This always gets me, I AO when I am really sleepy or not feeling well.

Take care of yourself.
BC

Mel is correct. I tried making LB$ deposits while my WW is still in the A. What happened was she did not notice them, and it made me feel bad. After exposure at least I am feeling better, and I am kind. She, on the other hand, is still mad and its been 3 days. I wish she were around to see me smile at her, but she left to her sisters.

How are you doing ?. This coaster runs fast. WH tries to fillin your ENs, re-pay by fillin his ENs. Several replies on this thread pointed out that WH is a renter right now. He did all of this because he wants to stay. Don't be surprise WH will run to OW if she allows it.

Plan A is not a doormat that allows WH does what he likes. Asking WH what he wants in this M w/o judgement, disrepect and demand is not LB'ng ... it is a strength that you need to convey as a W that wants this M and willing to defend it. Listen to his reply, some of is are excuses but some are real plan A material that you need to do/fix.

Again there are so much pressured to this A that worth the wait. Could you contact OW's parent and expose it ?. You could forward that email anonymously (create a new email just for this).

This is the time to Plan A the best you can and start looking into plan B. (letter, logistic, etc)

-rh-

Needed several days to recouperate, and now we're back to Square 1. We're polite and cordial, but he still spends most of his time at work or in his "man cave" in the basement. He worked late last night, I drove by on way to Kmart to grab some stuff, saw OW car parked in usual spot, everything right back the way it was last week. Argh!

Did forward email to her mother's work and her church. Am working on getting finances together for Plan B...

Kudos. Hope you get Plan B together fast and work it!

Thanks. Have grown weary of the status quo...

Good. Planning doesn't mean that you have to execute it. Wait a while for result of the latest exposure. Meanwhile, could you put more effort on Plan A ?.

-rh-

I have been putting some effort into Plan A, but he's gone back to being sullen and withdrawn. We eat dinner late, he sends the kids to bed, stays up late working, and is asleep when I take them to school. Total family time: < 1 hr per day.

I am trying to think of ways to make it "fun" at home again so he wants to come home and be with us, that he's missing out by not being here.

Anyone have any ideas?

Shows support while he is in basement. Bring hot chocolate or hot coffee or his favorite snack/drinks. Bring a good book to read and stay up late reading while he is working. Don't need to talk much but being around.

For "fun" ideas, you might want to ask your kids, they know more than us.

-rh-

He got home around 10 pm last night; don't think he saw the kids at all yesterday. I had dozed off in our room watching TV but woke up when he came in. He ate the dinner I'd set aside for him, but when I came to sit with him while he ate, he told me to go back upstairs and watch TV. I didn't. Sat with him for about 30 minutes until he went down to the basement to work some more. Scanned router logs this am - no logging on to gmail or yahoo accounts to check for messages from OW. Interesting.

He looks exhausted, won't speak much to me or the kids, but will watch TV in bed or work in the basement. I know he's still ticked at me but am not sure how to break through. Is it still too soon to try?

You have been M to him for 23 years, how did you break the ice when he was ticked at you in the past ?

If he broke up with OW, he is very lonely and depressed. It is your chance.

-rh-

Before A, he'd be mad at me for a few days and then we'd put it behind us and move on. Since the exposure to the ethics committee last year, he's basically withheld intimacy, which used to be such a big part of our lives. Holding hands, cuddling, kisses - all gone for the last 12 months.

His new game this week seems to be that he's decided he's no longer accountable to me or the children. He'll work as late as he wants, won't call, and will come and go as he pleases. This is how the affair flourished, because I allowed him so much autonomy. I'm not sure if OW is still in the picture because he won't talk about it. I drove by when he was working late the other night and saw her car there.

This is a HUGE problem. I'd rather he be here and not talking to us then there doing who-knows-what. Moreover, he's avoiding the kids because he's mad at me.

I need to get this sorted out FAST - anyone have any ideas?

What is the urgency ? It has been like this for past 12 months. You know you most likely have to go to Plan B unless there is unforeseen events happen.

And you are not ready to make that decision ... "I'd rather he be here and not talking to us then there doing who-knows-what."

Would he refuse a cup of coffee/hot chocolate/snacks if your bring it down to him ?. Would he kick you out if you bring a book & blanket and crash at his dungeon ?. Any close family that WH would enjoy the visit from them ?.

-rh-

Just a reminder, Plan A is only supposed to last a very short time for women, around 3-4 weeks. It was never intended to be a way of life for conflict avoiders:


here

And why does Dr Harley recommend a very short Plan A for women?

Either live in Plan A indefinitely with all the accompanying problems...or distrupt the household and go to Plan B. <sigh> I'm not in favor of either option at the moment, but will continue to make love bank deposits while getting things in order for Plan B.

That is not plan A, that's enabling. Plan A has time frame that depends on you.

Yes, deposit LU and avoid withdrawing LU.

Any reactions from OW's family ?.

-rh-