Marriage Builders
Posted By: lisafran Found out the real truth-Now what?? - 03/09/10 01:38 PM
Hi, I am a first time poster on this site and really looking for some advice.

The week of Thanksgiving I found a hotel receipt in my husband's car. I had just been released from the hospital after having back surgery. He made up an elaborate story that he was depressed and decided to get a prostitue but once at the hotel, he could not go through with it. Ok, I am fairly intelligent and I really knew that did not make sense, but he was so convincing telling me that I had to believe him, blah, blah, blah. Well, I asked for his password for his work emails and he gave it to me. I came across nothing else until last week. I found texts from a woman ta works for him with XXOO. He admitted everyting. She is also married. He says he loves me and it is over. We are already going to a counselor, and he says it is not me, it is him. Well, I am totally stunned and still recovering from my back. I feel if he could do this when I was most vulnerable, what is to stop him down the road?? Please help!
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Found out the real truth-Now what?? - 03/09/10 02:14 PM
Hi Lisa, I am sorry you are here. frown If you want to save your marriage, there are some very specific steps you must take.

First off, the OW's H must be told - BY YOU - all about the affair. Without any forewarning, pick up the phone or drive to his place of work or home and tell him about the affair. Offer to stay in touch with him so you can touch base.

The next key thing will be for him to leave that job. Your marriage will never make it as long as they work together. Recovery will be impossible and you will be facing a years long, on again, off again affair, if you don't get divorced or have a nervous breakdown first. They will be triggered each and every day they see each other at work.

And lastly, you need a plan of recovery. Without a plan of recovery, this will happen again. That is like an alcoholic going to AA, working the first step and then stopping. Eventually he goes back to drinking again. What needs to replace the infatuation your H feels for the OW is a newly created romantic love for you. You need to fill the GAP left by the OW and that will come from diligently working the Basic Concepts of Marriage Builders. I would RUN to the bookstore and get Surviving an AffAIR by Dr Willard Harley.

Dr Harley lays it out here in Requirements for Recovery:

Quote
The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the betrayed spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts http://marriagebuilders.com/ca/to.cgi?l=qa080103bc
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.
here
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Found out the real truth-Now what?? - 03/09/10 02:22 PM
Lisa, exposure is your best weapon against this affair.

Originally Posted by Dr Willard Harley, founder of Marriage Builders
Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery.


here
Posted By: lisafran Re: Found out the real truth-Now what?? - 03/09/10 02:46 PM
Hi Melody,
This is where it get's tricky. My husband is in law enforcement. After the affair, he was transferred to another department and does not work with her anymore. The OW husband is also works for the same law enforcement agency. My husband was her direct supervisor, so for this to became public (my husband is adament that it should not,) it not only jeapordizes his career but my husband is affraid of what the OW's husband would do as well. So, not only can I not share this awful experience with the spouse, I cannot talk to my close friends as it could all come crashing down. I just don't know what to do!!!!
Posted By: maritalbliss Re: Found out the real truth-Now what?? - 03/09/10 02:49 PM
Originally Posted by lisafran
Hi Melody,
This is where it get's tricky. My husband is in law enforcement. After the affair, he was transferred to another department and does not work with her anymore. The OW husband is also works for the same law enforcement agency. My husband was her direct supervisor, so for this to became public (my husband is adament that it should not,) it not only jeapordizes his career but my husband is affraid of what the OW's husband would do as well. So, not only can I not share this awful experience with the spouse, I cannot talk to my close friends as it could all come crashing down. I just don't know what to do!!!!

Your WH should have thought about that before he decided to have the A. You absolutely must share this with the OWH. Would you want people to know your H was screwing around and not tell YOU? Telling the OWH puts a second set of eyes on the OW and will help ensure that the A doesn't rekindle. AND the OWH deserves to know what he's married to.

Read my bio, lisa. Exposure ended the A in my sitch.
Posted By: RedsWife Re: Found out the real truth-Now what?? - 03/09/10 03:31 PM
Originally Posted by maritalbliss
Your WH should have thought about that before he decided to have the A. You absolutely must share this with the OWH. Would you want people to know your H was screwing around and not tell YOU? Telling the OWH puts a second set of eyes on the OW and will help ensure that the A doesn't rekindle. AND the OWH deserves to know what he's married to.

Read my bio, lisa. Exposure ended the A in my sitch.


Ditto Maritalbliss WH should have thought about the consequences before he decided to have an A. The OWH also deserves to know what's going on.

The couple months that I have been here I can tell you that I have learned that exposure works in ending an A. A M can not R without the A ending.

ETA: Once I exposed and stopped hiding the A from my close friends and family I gained tremendous support in ending the A. It was also therapeutic for me to be able to freely talk about THE most painful event in my entire life.
Posted By: turtlehead Re: Found out the real truth-Now what?? - 03/09/10 03:52 PM
Originally Posted by lisafran
My husband was her direct supervisor, so for this to became public (my husband is adament that it should not,) it not only jeapordizes his career
He should have thought of that before he broke his marriage covenant. Don't protect him from the consequences of his actions. Would you raise your child like this? If you found out they'd stolen a DVD would you cover up for them?

Quote
but my husband is affraid of what the OW's husband would do as well.
Puh-LEEZE! If your WH were really afraid of what OW's husband would do, he wouldn't have been engaging in an adulterous relationship with OW. He's not afraid of what OW's husband might do.
Posted By: lisafran Re: Found out the real truth-Now what?? - 03/09/10 03:59 PM
Thank you all! I guess even after all of this, I try to protect my husband. It is still so new that I am not thinking clearly or sleeping or eating. My life is consumed with this as I really thought everything was good. He even told the counselor that he would love to blame a portion of it on me, but he can't. He did not know why he did it as he does not love her, he always loved me. Unfortuantely, that does not make me feel better. If in his mind, he thought our marriage was great, why would he cheat???? Especially when I was in the hospital and could not walk for a month prior to that. If he could cheat then, what is to stop him down the road when another woman finds him attractive???
Thank you guys so much for your support. It means a great deal to me!
Posted By: maritalbliss Re: Found out the real truth-Now what?? - 03/09/10 04:25 PM
Originally Posted by lisafran
Thank you all! I guess even after all of this, I try to protect my husband. It is still so new that I am not thinking clearly or sleeping or eating. My life is consumed with this as I really thought everything was good. He even told the counselor that he would love to blame a portion of it on me, but he can't. He did not know why he did it as he does not love her, he always loved me. Unfortuantely, that does not make me feel better. If in his mind, he thought our marriage was great, why would he cheat???? Especially when I was in the hospital and could not walk for a month prior to that. If he could cheat then, what is to stop him down the road when another woman finds him attractive???
Thank you guys so much for your support. It means a great deal to me!

I've seen something on here a lot, lisa, and I believe there's a connection: many times there will be a very stressful event that occurs just prior to an A beginning. It could be the sickness or death of a parent (that was the case in my sitch), the sickness of a spouse (your sitch), job loss, etc. I think these stresses may contribute to a WS seeking a temporary escape from 'real life' and finding temporary relief in the fantasy land of an A.

Don't get me wrong - you and your surgery are NOT to blame for your WH's poor decisions! Only he can take responsibility for the A. But I think there may be a correlation. Bottom line: the choice to engage in an A had nothing to do with you. It was all about your H, his selfishness and his poor boundaries.
Posted By: markos Re: Found out the real truth-Now what?? - 03/09/10 04:25 PM
Originally Posted by lisafran
This is where it get's tricky. My husband is in law enforcement. After the affair, he was transferred to another department and does not work with her anymore. The OW husband is also works for the same law enforcement agency. My husband was her direct supervisor, so for this to became public (my husband is adament that it should not,) it not only jeapordizes his career but my husband is affraid of what the OW's husband would do as well.

That's sick. When cops act in unethical ways, it should be exposed. You have a duty to the public.

If it would jeopardize his career, there's a good reason for that!! Such a good reason that it should not be covered up.

It makes me sick to think that cops could be up to no good and there are people out there who will protect the careers of those cops instead of the public. Cops who should be fired, demoted, or put on probation need to be fired, demoted, or put on probation. The system needs to be allowed to work, with full and accurate information available to it.

If he's a cop who actually let the words "jeopardize my career" come out of his lips, then he doesn't need to be a cop, because he's obviously not putting the public first.

I remember Jack Webb on Dragnet saying we live in a system of laws and if you don't like those laws you don't break them, you work within the system to get them changed. If you don't like that an affair with an underling is against the rules for people in law enforcement, the solution is to see about getting that changed, not violate it and cover up your actions. Follow the rules, or don't dare to feel like you have the right to enforce any rules over me.

And I remember Craig Nelson ("Jack Mannion") on the District, saying "When you have good news, you get it out fast. When you have bad news, you get it out FASTER." A law enforcement agency that is concerned about being honest and reputable and respected by the public needs to be concerned with dealing with bad news, like unethical actions taken by its officials, FAST.
Posted By: Lexxxy Re: Found out the real truth-Now what?? - 03/09/10 05:23 PM
Lisa --

I am so irritated with your WH!

Not only does he crush you with this affair -- but then he tries to demand that you keep his secrets? That is just heaping more abuse onto your already damaged marriage.

This is a CONSEQUENCE of HIS actions. He certainly knew it was a possiblity when he took this course of action -- and did it anyway. Right?

He needs to climb down from his pedestal and realize that he needs to face his lack of character and judgement in order to come through this a better (humble) man.

You cannot keep this secret from the OW's husband. He has every right to know the truth about his wife and his marriage. If this guy was so scary and dangerous -- wasn't it a pretty stupid thing to do to him??? Obviously OW and your husband weren't THAT scared of him!
Posted By: redhat Re: Found out the real truth-Now what?? - 03/09/10 05:43 PM
Exposure is to end A. If WH said A is done then ask him to amend you by putting all the necessary steps for NC. MC is not negotiable. Any new discoveries of continue contact which means A is not ended, you need to expose it.

Many reasons people cheats. Hope your WH is not philanderer or sexual addicts. If he doesn't know the answer he needs not only see MC, ask him to see IC too.

Meanwhile take a good care of yourself and get evaluated by your doctor for anti depressant. You might need it. Learn about MB as much as you can.

-rh-
Posted By: Mulan Re: Found out the real truth-Now what?? - 03/09/10 05:52 PM
Quote
I've seen something on here a lot, lisa, and I believe there's a connection: many times there will be a very stressful event that occurs just prior to an A beginning. It could be the sickness or death of a parent (that was the case in my sitch), the sickness of a spouse (your sitch), job loss, etc. I think these stresses may contribute to a WS seeking a temporary escape from 'real life' and finding temporary relief in the fantasy land of an A.

It's also true that many people honestly believe - probably because they grew up with the idea - that "if I'm not getting what I need from the marriage, that means it's okay to look elsewhere for it."

It's a sick idea but very prevalent - one of those things that "everybody knows" but nobody talks about openly.

Having a physically ill spouse is a great excuse to cheat. And some people will deliberately pick fights with a spouse in order to make said spouse angry and unavailable, so that it's therefore okay for them to cheat.

Don't discount this mindset when dealing with a cheating spouse. It's a lot more common that you might think.
Posted By: Lexxxy Re: Found out the real truth-Now what?? - 03/09/10 06:17 PM
I agree -- if the affair is over -- I don't think you need to spread the news to family friends and community.
But the betrayed husband still deserves the truth.

Does he have any explanations on why he did this? Was he flattered by her attention? I think you deserve a better answer to this. Because that is at the crux of how you can affair-proof your marriage going forward. If everything was "perfect" then what can be changed to prevent future affairs?

Posted By: lisafran Re: Found out the real truth-Now what?? - 03/09/10 07:18 PM
Thank you for your responses. Yes, he is seeing a marriage counselor with me. I think he did enjoy the attention from the OW. He had recently lost weight and needed an ego boost if I had to guess. That is really all it is as he continually says he does not know why. We have been married for 21 years and he says this is the first time and could be a mid-life crisis. I made him call the OW and tell her I knew. (I was sitting there while he made the call.) He told her that there is to be no more contact, but how do I really know and how do I know that this will not happen again later in our life. I just hate the fact that it is so complicated and I can't seem to move past the why. It feels as though the rug has been pulled beneath me. If he praises our marriage and me so much and still did this, what is to stop him again????
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Found out the real truth-Now what?? - 03/09/10 07:21 PM
Originally Posted by lisafran
Hi Melody,
This is where it get's tricky. My husband is in law enforcement. After the affair, he was transferred to another department and does not work with her anymore. The OW husband is also works for the same law enforcement agency. My husband was her direct supervisor, so for this to became public (my husband is adament that it should not,) it not only jeapordizes his career but my husband is affraid of what the OW's husband would do as well. So, not only can I not share this awful experience with the spouse, I cannot talk to my close friends as it could all come crashing down. I just don't know what to do!!!!

There is not trick at all. This is even more reason to call up the OW H and tell him what your H and his lover have done to him behind his back. Don�t cover up a crime for your H, lisa, that does not help your H, your marriage, anyone. Everyone needs to know. The OWH especially needs to know. The fact that your husband is a WUSSY COWARD is not justification to not warn his victim of what he has done. There is absolutely NO JUSTIFICATION to not tell the OWH, NONE.

Everyone should know about the affair. You are harming your H and making it easier for them to resume the affair by keeping it a secret.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Found out the real truth-Now what?? - 03/09/10 07:26 PM
Originally Posted by lisafran
He told her that there is to be no more contact, but how do I really know and how do I know that this will not happen again later in our life. I just hate the fact that it is so complicated and I can't seem to move past the why. It feels as though the rug has been pulled beneath me. If he praises our marriage and me so much and still did this, what is to stop him again????

What will go a very long way in stopping him from doing this again is EXPOSURE. Exposure helps waywards learn a lesson from their adultery. Helping him hide his secret keeps him sick and increases the chances that this happens again. This is the first step towards recovery.
Posted By: maritalbliss Re: Found out the real truth-Now what?? - 03/09/10 07:39 PM
Originally Posted by lisafran
Thank you for your responses. Yes, he is seeing a marriage counselor with me. I think he did enjoy the attention from the OW. He had recently lost weight and needed an ego boost if I had to guess. That is really all it is as he continually says he does not know why. We have been married for 21 years and he says this is the first time and could be a mid-life crisis. I made him call the OW and tell her I knew. (I was sitting there while he made the call.) He told her that there is to be no more contact, but how do I really know and how do I know that this will not happen again later in our life. I just hate the fact that it is so complicated and I can't seem to move past the why. It feels as though the rug has been pulled beneath me. If he praises our marriage and me so much and still did this, what is to stop him again????

You need to rebuild your M so that it is affair-proof. Read the articles on this site. That's a great start. Get the book "Surviving an Affair". It's your manual for rebuilding.

Your WH needs to do whatever is required in order for you to feel safe again. I think the first order of business is to INFORM OW'S BH. That is critical. You've heard it here already, but again:

1. It will create another set of eyes to be on the lookout for any resumption of the A. This is critical for YOU.
2. The OWH deserves to know his marital reality.
3. Your WH needs to know that there are consequences for his actions from this A. Not just your displeasure, either.
4. Your WH needs to be discouraged from being tempted to stray in the future. Don't make it easy on him by a misguided sense of wanting to protect him.
5. Both of you need to live in a world guided by truth. Hiding the truth from your WH's victim is not living in that world.
6. The chance is probably 100% that someone who works with your WH & OW know that they had an A. Do you really want to give that person so much control over your life that you could be blindsided by the truth coming out years down the road, when you think everything has settled down? Do you want to live with that for the rest of your life? To suddenly get a phone call from OWH, demanding to talk to your WH about an A that is years in the past?

Your WH's A was the ultimate in selfish acts. His selfishness continues as long as he holds the truth away from the people who deserve to know, simply because it might be unpleasant for him. You are helping him to continue in this selfish, entitled business as long as you enable him to avoid the consequences of his actions.

The A was all about him. It's not all about him anymore.
Posted By: redhat Re: Found out the real truth-Now what?? - 03/09/10 07:58 PM
Originally Posted by lisafran
Thank you for your responses. Yes, he is seeing a marriage counselor with me. I think he did enjoy the attention from the OW. He had recently lost weight and needed an ego boost if I had to guess. That is really all it is as he continually says he does not know why. We have been married for 21 years and he says this is the first time and could be a mid-life crisis. I made him call the OW and tell her I knew. (I was sitting there while he made the call.) He told her that there is to be no more contact, but how do I really know and how do I know that this will not happen again later in our life. I just hate the fact that it is so complicated and I can't seem to move past the why. It feels as though the rug has been pulled beneath me. If he praises our marriage and me so much and still did this, what is to stop him again????


Send him to IC to explore why and come back to you with an answer. You have to demand transparency in M. Surrenders all electronics passwords, willing to be under surveillance, cell phone account, etc. Let him know that you are hurting and you need his help too. You let him know that you are trying to work with him to rebuild this M, to protect this M. If this fails you will walk away from this M.

IMVHO. You could expose to OWH but you need to know for what purpose. Revenge ?. b/c OWH deserve to know ?. Who would be held responsible for OWH's reaction ?. However you could use this as deterrence to OW and WH.

-rh-
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Found out the real truth-Now what?? - 03/09/10 08:35 PM
Originally Posted by redhat
IMVHO. You could expose to OWH but you need to know for what purpose. Revenge ?. b/c OWH deserve to know ?. Who would be held responsible for OWH's reaction ?. However you could use this as deterrence to OW and WH.

-rh-

redhat, huh? Her purpose, of course, is that the more people who know the more people can keep him accountable. Exposure helps a WW recover from the affair. That is the purpose of exposure. Any other reason is irrelevant. It is the FIRST STEP towards recovery, just as Dr Harley says.

Lisa, your children need to know the truth too. They should not be given false explanations about the source of the problems in your marriage.

Originally Posted by Dr Harley
The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur.

An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults.

Posted By: turtlehead Re: Found out the real truth-Now what?? - 03/09/10 08:48 PM
Originally Posted by lisafran
I just hate the fact that it is so complicated and I can't seem to move past the why. It feels as though the rug has been pulled beneath me. If he praises our marriage and me so much and still did this, what is to stop him again????

Exposure will go a long way towards stopping him from doing it again. A kid will continue stealing from the cookie jar as long as all he gets is "Boy are you in trouble now!". In other words, some hurt feelings, some tears, and no real consequence... he's back in the cookie jar whenever he likes.

But you tell Dad, Grandma, and Grandpa that little Joey is not currently to be trusted around cookie jars, and see if things don't change, and fast. Little Joey will be doing whatever he can to regain his good reputation. It will take some work on his part.

Regarding the why of it all... your WH acted in a selfish, spoiled, entitled manner. He had many, MANY opportunities to back away from this but he didn't. He has terrible boundaries.

He should never have sent that first email to her alone w/o copying you.
He should never have gone out to lunch/dinner/walk with only her and no other person along.
He should never have added her to his cellphone list of contacts.
He should never have texted her.
He should never have done a lot of things, but he did.
He broke a LOT of little rules before he found himself in a full blown affair.

Has he said "It was an accident, I didn't mean for it to happen"? That's a lie. Their clothes didn't accidentally fall of and he tripped and found his penis inside her. THAT would have been an accident. What he had was no accident, it was a long series of not establishing reasonable boundaries.
Posted By: redhat Re: Found out the real truth-Now what?? - 03/09/10 09:29 PM
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by redhat
IMVHO. You could expose to OWH but you need to know for what purpose. Revenge ?. b/c OWH deserve to know ?. Who would be held responsible for OWH's reaction ?. However you could use this as deterrence to OW and WH.

-rh-

redhat, huh? Her purpose, of course, is that the more people who know the more people can keep him accountable. Exposure helps a WW recover from the affair. That is the purpose of exposure. Any other reason is irrelevant. It is the FIRST STEP towards recovery, just as Dr Harley says.

I don't attack your many opinions that I disagree. Please stay out mine. **************edit***********

This forum should be a safe forum for everyone to help and getting help.

This is the closes I could find about exposure to OPS since you like to quote Dr. Harley to make your point The whole story for excerpt below.

Originally Posted by Dr Harley
Should I reveal to OP Spouse from a MB point of View about the nature of the A and it's extent?

The primary reason to reveal the affair to lover's spouse (OPS) is to gain support in breaking up the affair. But when the affair is already over, that reason is lost. A secondary reason is for altruistic reasons -- the OPS should know that the affair took place (you would want to know if the tables were turned). But for the practical reason of helping your marriage, I regard it as optional, and should be done only if you both enthusiastically agree to it.

Posted By: lisafran Re: Found out the real truth-Now what?? - 03/09/10 09:48 PM
Thank you all for your responses. It is very helpful to get other opinons as I have very few people to discuss it with. THe counselor told me that by me not telling the OW H, was the right thing to do. So, hearing a different perspective is very helpful. I also hope that one day in the not so distance future, I can quit thinking about the past and start figuring out what I am going to do now. It seems like this is whole thing is taking over my life. I have always been a very positive person and I hope one day that something positive will come from all this pain.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Found out the real truth-Now what?? - 03/09/10 09:51 PM
Originally Posted by redhat
[

redhat, huh? Her purpose, of course, is that the more people who know the more people can keep him accountable. Exposure helps a WW recover from the affair. That is the purpose of exposure. Any other reason is irrelevant. It is the FIRST STEP towards recovery, just as Dr Harley says.

I don't attack your many opinions that I disagree. Please stay out mine. *********************edit***************[/quote]

No one is "attacking" your opinion, redhat, just questioning it because it makes no sense. You can�t demand that someone not respond to your points. Good grief. No reason to get so defensive. Dr. Harley has been more than clear on the subject on exposure and recently wrote this newsletter last November:

Quote
This week, again I�ll be taking a question from the Forum to help clear up a conflict regarding one of my common recommendations about when to expose an affair. The issue of exposure comes up when a betrayed spouse has first learned about the affair. Should it be exposed to others, or kept secret? I generally recommend exposure. When should it be exposed? I usually recommend that it be exposed immediately. To whom should it be exposed? I recommend that family, friends, children, clergy, and especially, the lover�s spouse be informed. Exposure in the workplace depends on several factors.

Quote
What about exposure of an affair that took place years earlier and is now ended but recently revealed? I feel that the children, close relatives, close friends, and the lover�s spouse should be informed. Granted, it�s embarrassing to admit an affair, but publicly admitting failure is usually the first step toward redemption.

Quote
I'm in the process of rewriting "Surviving an Affair" to add information about plan B. Some of the main points are as follows:

Whether in plan A or B, the world should know about your husband's affair. All of your relatives, your friends, your children, and the licensing board for your husband's lover. In some states a licensing board will revoke a license if a counselor is having an affair with a married person, client or not. This is because it's well known that affairs hurt families, especially children. And counselors know better than to have an affair.

The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is.

So, please familiarize yourself with the newsletter on Exposure. The reasons for exposure are much greater than just ending the affair, the more people who know, the more ppl can keep him accountable. The Harleys have made their position crystal clear and are rewriting Surviving an Affair to reflect it. The days of arguing against exposure are over, friend.


Posted By: maritalbliss Re: Found out the real truth-Now what?? - 03/09/10 09:51 PM
Originally Posted by lisafran
Thank you all for your responses. It is very helpful to get other opinons as I have very few people to discuss it with. THe counselor told me that by me not telling the OW H, was the right thing to do. So, hearing a different perspective is very helpful. I also hope that one day in the not so distance future, I can quit thinking about the past and start figuring out what I am going to do now. It seems like this is whole thing is taking over my life. I have always been a very positive person and I hope one day that something positive will come from all this pain.

If you are at peace with the possibility of OWH finding out from someone else and recognize the possible future repercussion in your life, and you think it's not the right for a spouse to know when they are being betrayed, then don't tell OWH. That's your call.

It will get better, lisa. I promise you.

Posted By: redhat Re: Found out the real truth-Now what?? - 03/09/10 09:54 PM
lisafran,

Sorry I am being rude to defend my self here.

Whatever you decide you are the one who live in it. We are here just try to help.

You will survive this w/ or w/o your WH and come out as a stronger and wiser person.

God Bless.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Found out the real truth-Now what?? - 03/09/10 09:57 PM
Originally Posted by lisafran
THe counselor told me that by me not telling the OW H, was the right thing to do.

lisa, your counselor is giving you bad advice. And anyone who tells you not to tell the OWH is giving you bad advice that harms you, your H, your marriage, and the OWH and his children. NO ONE benefits from keeping it a secret except the AFFAIR. Affairs thrive on secrecy so by keeping this secret you become an enabler.

The only possible reason for helping your H hide his affair from his other victim is so that he can avoid the consequences of his action. How is that possibly in his best interest or anyone elses?

Secondly, how will the OW H protect himself and his children from your husband and his skanky wife if no one will tell him what your H has done to him? This is about as moral as knowing the neighbors bookkeeper is stealing from him and not telling him the truth for personal, selfish reasons. Not telling this man what has been done to him is cruel, selfish and manipulative and it leaves the door wide open for them to resume their affair.
Posted By: barbiecat Re: Found out the real truth-Now what?? - 03/10/10 12:11 AM
Originally Posted by lisafran
Thank you all for your responses. It is very helpful to get other opinons as I have very few people to discuss it with. THe counselor told me that by me not telling the OW H, was the right thing to do. So, hearing a different perspective is very helpful. I also hope that one day in the not so distance future, I can quit thinking about the past and start figuring out what I am going to do now. It seems like this is whole thing is taking over my life. I have always been a very positive person and I hope one day that something positive will come from all this pain.
And that positive thing may be that you grow a more mature, honest and ethical M. Witholding this crutial information from OWH is very sleezy. You now have become a part of the lie and deciet.
Posted By: turtlehead Re: Found out the real truth-Now what?? - 03/10/10 03:37 PM
Originally Posted by barbiecat
[Witholding this crutial information from OWH is very sleezy. You now have become a part of the lie and deciet.
Quoted because it needs to be said again and barbiecat did it so well.
Posted By: Lexxxy Re: Found out the real truth-Now what?? - 03/10/10 04:48 PM
The most powerful awesome way for this to happen would be for your HUSBAND to own his mistake and make an apology to those he has harmed.

I hope Pepperband jumps in here. Because as a requirement for forgiveness and continuing the marriage -- she required her husband to meet and apologize to the OW's husband. She couldn't respect him otherwise.

I don't know if she exposed to him prior to that -- or if her husband was the one to tell him.

But it seems right, doesn't it?

It seems to me like a way to cleanse. How can you respect him if he keeps his sleazy secret to protect himself? It seems pretty cowardly. Ick.
Posted By: maritalbliss Re: Found out the real truth-Now what?? - 03/10/10 05:06 PM
Originally Posted by Lexxxy
The most powerful awesome way for this to happen would be for your HUSBAND to own his mistake and make an apology to those he has harmed.

I hope Pepperband jumps in here. Because as a requirement for forgiveness and continuing the marriage -- she required her husband to meet and apologize to the OW's husband. She couldn't respect him otherwise.

I don't know if she exposed to him prior to that -- or if her husband was the one to tell him.

But it seems right, doesn't it?

It seems to me like a way to cleanse. How can you respect him if he keeps his sleazy secret to protect himself? It seems pretty cowardly. Ick.

ITA. I also required my FWH to apologize to OWH. He did it without hesitation. That was critical to me. And it's one of the many things I admire about him. I would have thought less of him if he had refused.
Many times A partners try to hide their A from exposure by villainizing the BS by using the tactic used here..."I am afraid of what OWH would do." Implying he is unstable or violent, which often ends up not being the case, but a fear that the A partners do not want their secret out.

I would encourage you to weigh again telling the OWH and know that it probably won't be as bad as the A partners are making it out to be...
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Found out the real truth-Now what?? - 03/10/10 05:21 PM
Show me a wayward who has not made amends to his victim and I will show you a person who is not truly remorseful and is not recovered. If I say I am "sorry" for stealing money, my true repentance is demonstrated by giving the money back and making amends to my victims. Otherwise, it is not true repentance.

And aiding and abetting this avoidance of the consequences is to become an accessory to the crime. Hiding this crime from the victim harms the WS, BS, the marriage, and everyone involved.

Lisa, the OWH needs to know what has been done to him so he can protect himself and his children from your H and his wife. He needs to know that your H is the fox in the henhouse.
Lisa, besides all the of the reasons mentioned here in favor of exposure, IMO the biggest benefit to YOU is that you will have an extra set of eyes on the OW to help you verify that NC is in place.

This is incredibly valuable...some of us didn't have this benefit and sure wish that we did.

Yuou are going to be on a wild roller coaster ride for quite some time...having an ally to help defend you against the affair is really invaluable.
Posted By: Pepperband Re: Found out the real truth-Now what?? - 03/10/10 08:55 PM
Originally Posted by Lexxxy
I hope Pepperband jumps in here. Because as a requirement for forgiveness and continuing the marriage -- she required her husband to meet and apologize to the OW's husband. She couldn't respect him otherwise.

OK

Quote
I don't know if she exposed to him prior to that -- or if her husband was the one to tell him.


No, I did not talk to OWH.
My H made the call.
Asked to meet in a coffee shop.
I went too.
H told OWH he'd had an affair with his wife, and apologized.

We were both surprised by OWH's lack of shock.
He already knew !!!!!! (and never told me mad )

But, no matter.
I got to witness my H stepping up to the plate, and own his adultery.


Here is the link to the story *****

Posted By: Pepperband Re: Found out the real truth-Now what?? - 03/10/10 09:06 PM
Lisafran,

I reject a husband/partner who refuses to acknowledge & fix what he broke.
For me, living with a H whom I could not respect, would be a living hell. (for both of us)

Most men, need to feel admired by their wives.
I would NEVER admire a husband who insisted I help keep his adultery a secret.

If H had not gone to OWH and made his confession/apology, I would never have recovered my respect for my H.

no respect = love bank completely & hopelessly EMPTY

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