Dear All,
This is my first post and I need HELP..
Am a guy, married for the last 10 years with 2 Children. 10 months ago, I came out clean and confessed to my wife about affairs that I have been having for the last 4 years. I want to be reconciled with my wife and work on our marriage.
I have searched this site and many others, but I don't seem to get an answer specifically for someone who is the offender, coming out clean and wanting to work on the marriage.
My query is what do I do to get my wife back to a position that we can calmly discuss issues, work them out and eventually have this behind us ?
We are both attending Counselling (Church and professional), but it doesnt seem to be working. We make 3 steps forward, then after a week or so, find that we have regressed 2 back.
PLEASE HELP...

Welcome to MB, Korban.

The best help you could get would be to coach with the Harleys. There is a link to the counselling centre at the top of the page. This will take you to details of how the telephone coaching works and the cost.

We would also strongly advise you to attend the next MB weekend seminar, in May. After you attend this, you will be assigned a personal coach who will work with you for as long as you need after the seminar. You will also have direct access to Dr Harley on the private forum on this site. There is a link to information on the weekend seminar also at the top of this page.

You will get more responses to your questions if you move this thread to the forum "Surviving an Affair". The "Recovery" forum tends to be much quieter than SAA. Please click the "notify" tab at the bottom of your post and ask a moderator to move this thread.

@Sugarcane, Thanks for the reply. May not be able to make the weekend seminar as I live in Uganda, Africa. Thanks for the other suggestions though.. Will follow up.

Dear All,
This is my first post and I need HELP..
Am a guy, married for the last 10 years with 2 Children. 10 months ago, I came out clean and confessed to my wife about affairs that I have been having for the last 4 years. I want to be reconciled with my wife and work on our marriage.
I have searched this site and many others, but I don't seem to get an answer specifically for someone who is the offender, coming out clean and wanting to work on the marriage.
My query is what do I do to get my wife back to a position that we can calmly discuss issues, work them out and eventually have this behind us ?
We are both attending Counselling (Church and professional), but it doesnt seem to be working. We make 3 steps forward, then after a week or so, find that we have regressed 2 back.
PLEASE HELP...

You need to start with NC with the OW and read SAA. We also need more info if we are to help you. You need to be totally transparenton on everything with your wife.

I will warn you that you are going to get help and it might not be what you want to hear since you are the offending party. Just grit your teeth and hang inthere especially if you want to save your marriage. The ones who have been here for years will be on soon and they will give you a lot more help than I could ever give you.

Good luck.

@Traci, thanks for the info and the heads up.. I guess if I did'nt want help, I would'nt be here, But I am, so I guess am open and willing to do whatever it takes to save my marriage.
I believe that I have been Transparent regarding the affairs and have cut off any relations to the other women. we have been working on the relationship each trying in our own ways to deal with the affairs.

Korban, in best cases, recovery takes at least 2 years. With multiple affairs, it can take longer. Be patient and consistent with your efforts.

Start reading from here

MB is the best place for surviving infidelity.

Please share your story it is easier to help then.

What do you mean when you say you have "cut off any relations?" Do you work with any of these women? Do you ever see them?

You understand that you cannot have any contact, visual or otherwise, with these women, right?

Have you written a No Contact letter that your wife has approved and has sent to them herself?

Are the other women married? If so, their husbands need to know about the affairs.

Recovery is hard work. Wanting to do it is positive. Your wife is going to need a lot of support. I would suggest that you give her this site so we can help her as well.

korban
Tell you BW about this great site you have found and get her here. Sign her up then let her post on her own. She will get lots of help.

@TheRoad, Thx.. She knows about the site.. We were referred to the site by a friend.. No idea if she has signed up yet, but we have discussed some of the articles and topics.

I did wonder where you live when I saw your posting time!

@Maritalbliss
What do you mean when you say you have "cut off any relations?" Do you work with any of these women? Do you ever see them? I still work with one in the same company, though I can honestly say nothing happened with her, though there was a period of very heavy flirting.

You understand that you cannot have any contact, visual or otherwise, with these women, right? I understand, Yes, But for the most part, The one we work with we hardly see each other. I told her I cant do anything that will hurt my wife or marriage. We both seem to respect that and the flirting died.

Have you written a No Contact letter that your wife has approved and has sent to them herself? The other women apart from the one I work with were people mostly I met in parties, couldnt even contact them even if I wanted to, for the one we work with, yes, we sent a No Contact letter...

In addition to what's been suggested (I think you could still council with the Harleys on the phone), I would also suggest both you and your wife read "Surviving An Affair" to start with.

Korban, you need to ask the mods to combine the two threads.

But...you were able to contact them in order to conduct your affairs, yes? How has that changed?

Thx.. Done so.

I Realise in my earlier post may have been a bit vague and devoid of details, so the below is everything else that was left out...
Have already mentioned that I started having affairs 4 years ago, after (in my opinion), it seemed that I wasnt getting enough SF in our marriage. During this time, my wife had undergone a traumatic experience a few months earlier, and I think she was still grieving. Looking at the situation in retrospect I believe I wasnt very Emotionally supportive at the time. In my thinking then, I thought that since I was the sole provider in the household (still am), I was meeting my part of the deal and I should have sex when I wanted. Well, I can say things never really got back on track and over the years one thing led to another where I became a control freak and pegged everything on sex. If I couldn't get this, then I wont do that..

My job offered me opportunities for growth and though my wife and I had some very good times, anytime I got a chance to travel out of my station, I usually ended up having an affair, usually just a one night stand. Fast forward to last year June and I felt that I couldn't go on with the lie and double standards.

The incident that brought all to the fore was a company party that my department was hosting, and one of the lady that I was flirting a lot with in the office was in attendance. After alot of drinking and after promising my wife that I would be home at a certain time, I instead left with the other lady to her place. Though nothing happened physically (Yeah, I know it doesn't sound true, but it is), the damage was done. I got home way past the agreed time, my wife was worried and a trip we had planned was cancelled.

I decided enough was enough and revealed all to my wife a few days later. I must admit I never thought or knew the pain that she would undergo. I can honestly say that I hurt in the WORST way the ONE person I have Truly LOVED. We agreed to attend counselling sessions both at our local church and with a marriage counsellor. I rededicated my life to Christ as I had not been living a true life and vowed to work on my marriage.

Forward to March 2010, after having attended counselling sessions both at Church and at the Marriage counsellor, things seemed to have started having a positive turn. We were not there yet, but there was commitment from both myself and my wife to work on the marriage. On this particular day, a very innocent argument arose and before long it went out of control and it ended with me hitting my wife after she told me to grow up.

In both instances I realise my wrong and have apologised for them, though it seems that I lost the good will that had started. I realise that I am to blame for the most of the rot and mess as I clearly made some horrible choices instead of sticking it out and working with my wife when she needed me most, but quite frankly my needs were not being met.

For the longest time, I felt justified in my affairs as I thought that if I couldnt get it at home, what's the big deal, I can get it outside, but I couldnt continue with this lie and had to wake up to the fact that I was selfish and not treating my wife as a Queen as I was supposed to be doing.

My questions really are 2 fold, how do I go about getting the goodwill that was there before to continue working on the marriage, and what should I expect during the rebuilding phase. I love my wife and dont want to lose her.

@Maritalbliss
To be honest, they were people I met in certain joints, not colleagues or friends, or even friends of friends.. Kindly read my full post (Just recently posted). It will give more details..

Gosh, how many were there?

3 steps forward and 2 back means you have actually moved ahead. Don't discount this fact.

The fact that you are still talking is amazing in alot of ways. I suspect the first thing you will have to rebuild will be her trust first and foremost. Open all your secrets to her, email, phone messages, etc. Give her the passwords to everything you could touch. Write out a clear and detailed schedule about where you were throughout the day. Be consistent, and even if she doesn't want them leave your email open on the computer for her to look through. Leave your schedule on the counter for her to read or toss, whichever she desires.

Don't push and don't expect much for some time. If you are merely interacting, and you are doing everything YOU can then you are doing everything YOU CAN. She will have to find a way to either accept or deny it.

Read everything here, but don't push her to do the same at this point. You will simply have to be the best person ever and FOREVER that you can be. There is no bargaining on honesty, ENs, etc at this point. You just have to be as good as absolutely possible, and work to rebuild her trust. It won't be easy.

Be willing to listen to her bash you for a while... it is hard, but theraputic for her to a point. Answer each and every question COMPLETELY HONESTLY. Don't sugar coat it, but don't be too graphic unless she actually asks.

Tell her you are SORRY if you are... tell you you LOVE HER if you do. Don't LIE to her at all ever again. Because all this will come back instantaneously. You broke it, trust, and now you have to live with the consequences.

Just don't discount the 'single step' you gain with a 3:2 ratio.

: DIDN'T see the abuse by you. You have more issues within yourself to worry about first. You aren't marriage material at this point. Work on yourself, give her something worth working FOR. :

Why did you hit her?

Have you hit her or been rough with her at any other time?

Hitting your wife during "the rebuilding phase" not long after she learns of your 4 years of multiple affairs is extraordinary behaviour.

If you were married to my daughter, I'd tell her to leave you, and NEVER look back.

You can be as "sorry" as you want, but you have little or zero self control.
And THAT makes YOU dangerous to be around.



... REALLY ?...

You want to complain about your unmet needs?
AND you strike your woman in anger?

Yes, if my daughter were married to you, I'd move heaven and earth to get her away from a man who cheated on her and THEN hit her.

*link* To Dr Harley's comments about DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

Well said Dr. H, well said.

Thank you all for the suggestions and the reprimand. What I can say is that if I didnt want HELP, I wouldnt be here and wouldn't have revealed all when I did.
I acknowledge that I did wrong on both the occasions and am already seeking help with regarding Anger management.
The hitting incident was the first one that I've ever committed and to say that am sorry would be an understatement. I feel so much anguish at what I did and know that deep down that I can NEVER repeat the same.

The thing is, you already know what actions destroy your wife's love for you.
Step one, is to stop doing those things, and never do them again ... for any reason.

The other thing is, your wife now has the valid option of divorce.
She has the right to determine if she will remain married to you.
Her choices are complicated. Your choices are much simpler.

YOU work on yourself.
You do the good, and the right, and the loving thing, every day, no matter what. No matter how "hard" it is. No matter how much she doesn't take your changes into consideration.

You do the right thing(s) because they are the right things to do. NOT to seek reward. I very much sense an attitude in you that you are anticipating some show of appreciation or reward from your wife. Forget about it.
You BE good because you want to be a good man, not because you want to impress your hurting wife.

You screw other women and you hit your wife.
Now, what woman wants to put that on her husband's resume?

Your wife's decision is complicated by the fact that in order to remain married to a man who cheats on her (multiple times) and hits her (one time) requires her to lower her standards.

She may not want to lower her standards to stay with you.
Regardless of the love she may still hold for you.

You have placed yourself under the "Very risky man" category, and she might choose to not take that risk.

I hope this helps.

In regards to your past bad behaviors ...

Here is something I can recommend you do.

Go to your wife's family, and confess everything you have done.
The multiple sexual betrayals. And the time you hit her.

After you confess, do not ask for their forgiveness.
Instead, tell them:

"I will do whatever it takes, for as long as it takes, to make things right for BW."

It's too too annoying when someone makes a horrible confession, then, right away ASKS to be forgiven.
Please, don't make that mistake.
When someone does this ~~~> "I confessed, now forgive me please" approach .... it means the confession was done to get your reward of forgiveness.


It will be up to your wife's family to decide if/when they choose to forgive the man who hurt their daughter/sister.

Korban, do you frequently look at porn?

Pep, I'm just going to step back and admire your responses.
Korban you are VERY LUCKY to have Pepperband posting to you.
Read what she posts slowly, and repeatedly.

Thanks Turtlehead.
My guess is, he doesn't feel so lucky .... picked on, maybe. Lucky? We shall see.

@Pepperband
Thanks for your incredible insight. I can say I have learned a few things here that I honestly didnt know and have a different perspective about others. It has been an eye opener. I would like some clarification in some of your comments though and answer your question below :-
1. You do the right thing(s) because they are the right things to do. NOT to seek reward. I very much sense an attitude in you that you are anticipating some show of appreciation or reward from your wife. Forget about it.
You BE good because you want to be a good man, not because you want to impress your hurting wife. - Explain why this is wrong.
2. Korban, do you frequently look at porn? - Used to, not any more.
3. Revealing to the my Wife's family - I have talked to some members of her family and informed them the whole history. They are some we havent informed as per my BS's request.

@Sugarcane
Why did you hit her? - It was a spur of the moment thing, in the heat of the argument. I dont justify the action and I feel very horrible about it.

Have you hit her or been rough with her at any other time? - Never hit her before.

Hitting your wife during "the rebuilding phase" not long after she learns of your 4 years of multiple affairs is extraordinary behaviour. - I agree and it shocked me as well. Not to try and justify the action, but at the time I felt that she had crossed the line. Even though I was wrong, it didnt give her the right to belittle me. Am sure she has arguments with other people all the time but she doesnt belittle them. Again, am not trying to justify my actions and am really so sorry about it.

I don't want to put words into Pep's mouth and I expect she'll respond herself as soon as she has time, but I wanted to comment on this from my own perspective, because to me this is a very key concept of being married.

You do the right things because YOU want to be a good person.
Because you want to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and be proud of who you are.
Because you value your integrity and know it cannot be bought, or faked; you know integrity is valuable beyond price and it must be painfully earned and maintained.

When you act with integrity in order to impress someone else, you are looking to external factors for reward/punishment of your behavior. This is a really bad idea.

Imagine:
- You do something really hard for you, and really great (in your eyes) to impress your wife.
- She's distracted, or doesn't realize how much effort it took, or whatever you did wasn't as important to her as it was to you, or she's overtired, or she's coming down with the flu... and for whatever reason, she doesn't reward your grand gesture.
- Now you resent her, and you're angry.
- Now you are likely to adopt an attitude of "Why do I even bother?" or worse yet, "To hell with her!"
- At that point, you have lost all progress and destroyed your integrity.

You do the right thing BECAUSE it is the right thing. Not because of what anyone else thinks or says or does. People are fickle. They are a poor barometer. Do not use them to gauge your actions.

Yeppers. This is why.

And I will add one more thing.

Korban, you have a history that taints your judgment and taints your value system.

Riddle me this:

WHEN is "doing the right thing" most important?

1. When someone is looking?

2. When no one is looking?

Of course when no one is looking.. Because that points to your character..
One other thing, Not that I disagree about what you and Turtlehead say, but where does the affirmation come in.. When I do something good and someone affirms me, am bound to repeat the good gesture.. Isnt affirmation one of humans needs as well ?

Sure.
Is your need for affirmation more important to you than your desire to repair your marriage?

Do you think your need for admiration will be an effective tool to help rebuild your marriage?

Your wife's love bank balance, right now is, in the minus.
Is it not?

Let's say you do "good gesture ABC" .... and this makes her love bank deficit slightly less. You're still running negative numbers.

You get no "atta-good-boy" from your wife, because her love balance remains dangerously in the RED.

Are you gonna quit doing the right thing because you did not get a cookie?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Having said that, if I were posting to your wife, I would give her a different point of view. But, I am posting to YOU, not to her.

Morning Pepperband, have been out of email for the weekend and wasnt able to respond to you earlier. In response, allow me to say this, it doesnt mean that if I dont get affirmed, then I will not work hard towards repairing my marriage. Am just saying once in a while a positive word will encourage me and spur me on. It does not meant that if I dont get the affirmation, then I slack off from doing the good thing.

@Pepperband,
Are you gonna quit doing the right thing because you did not get a cookie? - To be honest over the last several months I have become discouraged and thought ideas about quitting it all. However, I have reminded my self that its not about getting a reward, its just basically Loving my wife as I love myself. Am sure you could be asking, how come this is happening now and not when I was having the affairs ? The truth is I dont know. Its not like I didnt know this before, I guess I was just blinded by my selfishness and greed.
Dont know if you a Christian, but the book of Ephesians summarises this very well, in chapter 5 :-
Eph 5:25 - 30,
25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26to make her holy, cleansing[b] her by the washing with water through the word, 27and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church� 30for we are members of his body.

I just hope one day, I will get the opportunity to stand and say, here is the my wife that I have LOVED and CARED for..

Anyone care to offer some advise..|??

Have you read the articles on this site? What have YOU done to heal your M since you first posted?