Hello there this site is amazing, I'm so thankful for it!
Ok on to my little story, I'm gonna try to give the cliff notes version.
Met him, we clicked instantly. He seemed to be everything I ever wanted.
2 months in found out I was the "other" woman. He was dating another chick.
I found out via 'crazy' ex gf of his who he had lived with and dated nearly 2 years.
I asked him, after prying it out of him he told me he slept with not only the chick he was with when he met me, but also 'crazy ex gf'.
Was remorseful and stated he wanted only me.
At this time I wasn't exactly keeping God first in my life... it kinda influenced my decisions...
Since then he has slept with her and continued to hang out with her from time to time. I'm in law enforcement for my job, I snoop and find facts and ex gf isn't exactly the quiet quiet "other woman"... she wanted him back.
During christmas timevisiting his family, iflewback to my family to visitthem halfway through... he slept with some random chick he met at a bar. I found out, talkedto her, she didn't know about me, told me that hetold her not tosay anything once ifound out because he didn't want to lose me.
Ok fast forward to now----> we both have found a new relationship with God... He's actually in our relationship, we do devos together and pray together its awesome, and has been an incredible.
We are now engaged. We're both active duty soldiers, he's currently deployed. I figured thedeployment would have torn us apart, but its actually brought us closer.
However,(there's always one of those huh lol) I found out the beginning of this month he's been calling her.... of course he didn't tell me (for fear of losing me, and hurting me I believe) I found out via me asking him for his phone acct info, he said no. So I snooped... and found some questionable stuff, he finally told me. I was so hurt... thiswas the second time I found out since he's been deployed...
He states that the only reason why he was talking to her was to keep her mouth shut so she wouldn't start anything, (she's lied numerous times in the past about him andher, so itsdifficult to know who or what to believe because they're both liars) so hedid it to keep her happy. However his fiance isn't sohappy!! I feel extremely betrayed yet again.
Looking back I can see why he would feel like he had to talk to her so she wouldntstart anything, because I didn't really keep the avenue open of giving him achance toexplain himself... however, its still wrong.
He wants to marry me, he doesn't want to lose me, andwhen I first found out this time I told him I was done, then we talkedand now thingsare "on" again. But now its like I obsess over his ex,and the whole situation, mostly thethings that happened when we first got together....
I love him so much, I believe he truly desires for us to work. He's acompletely different person since I first met him (in a good way) but I'm not sure what to do, I don't want to lose him, but I don't want him to think his behavior is acceptable. He sayshe knows it was wrong...but I've heard his promises and all that before.
I know there's hope for him, God has already drastically changed his life in manyways... but now what... I feel so damaged to forgive and ihold alotof bitterness towrds the whole situation...
(Sorry,it wwasnt so cliff note-y haha. And my space bar is broken so hence the collided words)
Guess I'm not really looking for answers per say, just felt good to tell my story and know I'm not alone.

So, he loves you and he lies to you and he's sleeping w/ all these other women and you feel badly....

I don't foresee any fidelity or truthfulness on his part. I think any involvement is not going to be good for your mental or emotional health.

I suggest running very fast and very far away.

But, my opinion is brusque these days and potentially worth what you paid for it. I'm with Nancy Sinatra on this - "...you keep lyin' when you ought to be truthin'.....these boots are made for walkin' and that's just what they'll do....come on boots, start walkin'" - and Monty Python - "Run away, run away".

So through this whole story was anyone married? And were you also sleeping with him while he was sleeping with the other girls? I am just a little confused where the adultery is....just askin...

Yes, I agree.

Nobody was married, yes iwas sleeping with him. I was scared to post here, iattempted to write 5 or 6 times but decided not to because of criticism. andmaybe ishouldnt have because there was no marriage.

oh, btw, around here.....law enforcement people can face disciplinary action for researching background of people about whom they have personal curiosity but no law enforcement reason to investigate.

Pack his tooth brush and send it back...

you don't need to bring trouble on yourself. get out of this and consider it a learning experience.

Oh, you so need to get away from this toxic situation.

I think this is a "look" into the future if you marry this man...this is what you can expect while married....I would break the engagment NOW....take this as a gift from GOD...he is giving you ample reason for not going forward with the wedding.

Use your logical thinking here....would you tell any good friend of yours to marry a man that is behaving this way?? Remember talk is cheap....lot's of men in prison "find" GOD and you think they have changed and they have not...it's what people DO that tells you what is really going on inside of them...he has told you and SHOWN you...why not believe him?

.

Be thankful you aren't married.

"Never make someone a priority who makes you an option." You are an option to this guy, one of many. Please, do not marry and have kids with this guy so that your children can be another option. Your future children will need a FATHER. Someone who decided to marry their mother because he loves her and wants to build a family with her, not someone who married her because he didn't want to 'lose' her. (Actually he doesn't want to lose two women meeting all his needs and giving him what he wants while he can make excuses to keep from meeting theirs.)

This man will take and take and take from you - because you've let him in the past.


Just because you love someone does NOT mean you should be with them. You can fall in love with someone you are NOT 'meant to be' with. God may have made changes in his life, but he doesn't seem to have made many, other than saying a few prayers with you.

Bottom line: if he WANTED to be with you and only you, HE WOULD BE!. It is that simple. He would simply never contact her again and would ignore any 'crap' she decided to start. Nothing would make him contact her again. He hasn't done that, he doesn't want to chose just you, but he'll tell you that to keep you around.

This relationship is so fundamentally broken, that I don't think anything can repair it, and even if it could, it would take YEARS for him to be ready to be any sort of decent companion (overcoming infidelity takes 2-5 years for a REPENTANT cheater). You gonna put your life on hold and go through the pain and anguish of his reformation? Why? I assure you the love you feel you will find with someone else.

Be glad you aren't married, as it is you have had to live with a liar and cheater - if you marry him and have children you will have to live with the destruction of your family, and don't think it won't happen because 'God has reformed him'. God can help, but this guy has to do the work which he doesn't seem to be doing.

I'm sure this isn't what you wanted to hear, but don't waste any more of your life on this guy, he surely isn't wasting much of his on you.

Very simple here. Get away from this man. If he cheats on your relationship NOW when you're supposed to be so "in love" he won't hesitate to do it when you're married and he gets bored. He is not marriage material. If I were your mother I would tell you to get the heck away from this BOY who is not able to honor his commitment to you.

Hey, it's okay - we don't bite. Okay, sometimes we nip, a little.

Vibrissa's quote is apt: "Never make someone a priority who makes you an option." You are an option to this guy, one of many.

Look at it this way - you are finding this out before you committed to this man boy in marriage, before children and mortgages and all the other entanglements that marriage brings with it. You would be wise, IMO, to leave this situation and grow toward a healthier relationship with someone who values YOU.

Sorry if that's not what you want to hear.

I don't understand the problem:

a.) you know he is a CHEATER
b.) you know he is a LIAR

You are not even married yet and YOU KNOW that he is both of these things...if you are having these issues before you are even married the odds of him stopping this behavior AFTER marriage is next to nil.

Count yourself lucky and get out now. Then figure out why you are attracted to men like this and fix your man-picker.

Man-picker...I like that MF.

I agree with all the others. Dating is the time to show your BEST behavior. If this is the BEST that this guy has, this really is a no brainer.

If you marry him he will see this an acceptance to his lousy behavior. He will never change. Why would he? You M him even when you KNEW he would cheat. I can't think of a worse situation to M into.

Please run away from this guy and don't look back. Find out why you want this type of man in your life.

Cheezeit, You don't list your age but from your posts I would say you are younger.

This is not a mature love that you need for marriage. God is in your heart but he is not in your relationship. If he was then your BF would not be acting in this manner by lying and cheating.

If he is doing this prior to M he will be what is called a serial cheater. Read some of those threads and you will know what you are in for.

You deserve better.

I totally agree with everyone else here. Run, run very fast and very far.......

Cheeezits,
Don't let shared religious inclinations cloud your judgement. Humans are quite capable of seeking God's counsel, and the next day (or even later the same day) ignoring Him altogether and pursuing selfish wants.

I know this because I did it myself, when I had a 2-&-a-half month affair with a married woman whom I met in church (of all places), and with whom I sang on the church music team. You'd never have guessed it would've been me to do such a thing, and our spouses didn't know either, until the damage was done.

Afterwards, my wife cut me ginormous slack, but it was partly b/c I squared myself away after one affair, and partly b/c we had a 23-year relationship beforehand during which I'd treated her pretty well, and which we could rebuild upon. You had only 2 months before you learned of his poor conduct, and it's still not clear whether he's fixed his behavioral boundaries. That ain't much track record considering how many years of life (& perhaps someday your children's lives) stand to be impacted if you get this wrong.

God gives us leeway to make our own honorable or selfish choices, and he gives us eyes & ears & brains to make good, or lousy, judgements. Trust in God if you will, but don't confuse any guy with Him. Gauge this guy by what he does with his life, not what he says when he knows you can hear him praying. I know it sounds harsh to write someone off if you think it's possible for him to change, but you don't have to read too many true stories on these boards to get a picture of how much more harsh it is to find yourself repeatedly betrayed, especially when you're married and homes, finances and children's well-being are part of the painful equation. There are hundreds of thousands of eligible guys your age out there who wouldn't treat you this way while you're dating/engaged. If this one's special, he's had a funny way of showing it.

Don't you think you deserve better?

Whaddaya think? Do you think you wanna keep being treated this way? Or, do you think you wanna be treated with love and respect?

Do you want to be one of his many options?

Or do you wanna be his cast-off when someone with more 'potential' and more 'challenge' or more 'money' or more 'looks' or more 'excitement' or more ..... whatever .... comes along?


Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. You have seen repetition in his behavior.

Are you his option? Or are you his honored beloved?

I think our poster has left the building.

I hope we didn't scare her off - or if we did, we just scared her off posting. I hope she took to heart our advice.

Me too... Rissa, me too.

Cheezits,

First let me welcome you to Marriagebuilders. I think the problem here is really very simple. All it require for you to make the best decision for yourself is for you to read Harley's articles on this site.

I would start with the two policies: The policy of Radical Honesty and the policy of Joint Agreement. If people are not honest and they don't hold to their agreements, the likelihood of a good marriage are small.

Then look at the concepts of a good marriage and meeting needs. If one of your needs is an open and honesty partner in a marriage, then he is the wrong guy.

Here is something for you to consider. When/if you get married you will make vows that state you willl "love" your spouse thought sickness and health, good times and bad. The love that is being discussed is NOT a feeling it is an action. Feelings come and go. You feel "in-love" with this man but are his actions those of a loving man? I don't think so.

You need to assess and learn what a good marriage is before you can assess whether or not your BF is in fact a good candidate for you. From what you have said it is no, he is not. However, you must reach this conclusion yourself and I would strongly urge you to read the articles here, ask lots of questions about what you read, and THEN assess this relationship you are in.

I don't know why he would need to silence ex if you know about her already, thus I don't know why he would need to be speaking with her.

Now it is true that you two are not married but his actions, his lack of openness, if not honesty, and his obvious lack of commitment, don't jibe with the concepts of a good marriage as discussed on this site.

Please read the articles, please ask lots of questions, and then please figure what a good marriage means to you. I believe if you do this you will arrive at the best possible answer for you.

God Bless,

JL

This is a really good place to come with that question, actually.

Many of us on here have been betrayed by someone who was genuinely marriage material when we were married, and later they let their boundaries down and did things they never thought they could do.

You found out early on that this man doesn't even make the cut to start a M, never mind finish one. That is a real blessing, and one you should be thankful to God for, before you have little children who depend on a mommy and a daddy.

With the best of circumstances, your chances of experiencing infidelity are 50%.

If you continue on with this man, they jump to 100%.

I think one thing that we have learned is how much it hurts to be betrayed. It hurts anytime you are betrayed - and it doesn't matter who betrays you....it still hurts

So, if we see someone wading into the water of betrayal we want to urge them out. We don't want them drowning in it....and, with the recent floods where I live, I know that it takes only 6 inches of strong current to knock a person off their feet. 6 inches is not a lot.

Maybe we came on too strong. If so, I'm sure we didn't mean it in a hurtful way - I KNOW I didn't. However, it is better to have us speak honestly than to have your heart ripped out.

Cinderella is right...infidelity HURTS....If it hurts you now, we just want to save you from the incredible hurt when it happens after you have been married a long time...Its horrific.

You are young, please move on while its at this early stage....before you get into a WORLD of pain...There are good men out there that dont cheat and they are easier to catch when you are young.

Yeah, we don't mean to be cruel...we just want you safe....now and in the future. Many of us have the "BTDT" t-shirt and we know you don't want it.

Cheezits,

Coming from the persective of the cheater, as I am one, don't get yourself into this. Like they have said on here before, we (wayward spouses) never start out with the intention of doing this. At least I didn't, it just came about because I dropped my boundries. This guy sounds like he has no bounderies from the get go and is planning on doing this after you get married. Espeacially if he thinks he has no ramafications of his actions. It took the fear of losing everything I hold dear to me, wife & kids, to wake up and get help.

I thought I was a godly man too and yet I did what I did and have great remorse for it, if he is pertraying the godly man and is not showing any remorse then he is not really a godly man at all, especially if he is treating you like this before you even get married. To paraphrase something my wife always tells me, if he loves you the way he says he does then this should not be a try he should just do.

Please listen to the betrayed spouses and veterans on here and get out now while you can. They know what they are talking about they live it everyday and I can attest that if he does this to you after, and he most certainly will, it will destroy you to no end, I know I see every day what I have done to my wife. Please take heed and be careful.

God Bless and you are in our prayers.

Yes, I have to chime in here. Marriage will complicate things soooooooooooo much. I "LOVE" my WH so much too. HOWEVER... I will not EVER continue to be his wife, if I find out any other affairs happen. I dont even need proof. I Love him more then life itself, but I refuse to live my life in YOYO fashion. Now that I know all the dispicable things he has done, I am really not 100% sure if I am staying yet. I am in the process of "trying" to give him another chance, and he is showing me he wants to recover. He is going to church, participating in the family with the kids again, he has put gps on his phone so I can see where he is, and has given me all his passwords to his accounts, I have full access to his phone bills to check behind him, and he has sent a no contact letter to the OW, and a pretty hurtful one at that. He has been working on making himself totally transparent. Letting me have full control. Your guy should be trying to make you feel safe with him. He should at the very least change his phone number and make it very difficult for these other women to even contact him. You should have full access to things. Trust me, if he is not willing to do these things, then that is your red flag. My WH is doing all of these things without me requesting, he is doing them on his own. Even going as far as to look up spyware things for me to spy on him. Please at the very least see if he is willing to be "transparent' for you, before you make any decisions. If not, that should be your answer loud and clear.