Lost - Marriage Builders® Forums

Hello,
This is my 1st post. I have read most of Dr. Harley's books. I am in a hard place in my marriage. After getting married & having 2 children we found out my husband has another child. I was devastated with this discovery. He has been physically, emotionally & verbally abusive to me for sev. years. And now recently I found out he has had an affair. It's too much for me to take. I believe in fighting for a marriage & trying everything possible to keep families together as evidenced by my staying in this relationship. I'm at a loss. I don;t love him anymore & I don't want to be around him. I'm trying to seek God's will on this & not my own, but I'm not hearing any direction. My husband has been saved now & is trying to be better, but I think it's too late. He loves me & our kids & shows it all the time, but my hearts not in it now. I'm tired of hurting & suffering. I hate that he betrayed our vows & now I have to be the one to decide whether to split my family or not. I was just wondering if there's anyone dealing with all these issues?

River, I am so sorry for your pain and that you find yourself a member of this sad club. That said, you are in the best possible place to save your M if you choose. I think that you know that you have legal and Biblical grounds to choose to divorce.

Marriage Builders is a program that can definately help you to restore love to your M. Many people have done that here even when there were years of deception and an OC (other child/ from an affair) The hopeful thing in your story is that your WH (wayward husband) has had a change of heart and is willing and anxious to restore the M.

Your story, while awful is not unusual. You are no longer alone.

God's Blessings,

Say

RiverRat,

Welcome to MB. A few questions:

1. How long have you been M'd?
2. How old are your children?
3. Was this child the result of your H's A or from a R prior to your M?
4. How long ago was the A? When was your dday (day of discovery) and is the A over now?

Quote

Many people have done that here even when there were years of deception and an OC

Yes, I fit right into that category.

Was hoping that you would find this, FF.

God's blessings,

Say

We have been married 7 years. Our boys are 4 & 5. No, the child is not a result of the affair. But, early in the marriage I asked my H if he had a relationship/sex with this child's mother b/c they were "friends". He told me no, that it had always just been friendship. Then we found out that her child is my H's, which made me question everything he ever told me & totally not trust him. Along with thinking my family was in place b4 having to include another child. The affair was 2 years ago & supposodly only happened one nite b/c he was at his "friends" house & got drunk & was mad @ me & slept with her. I found out 10/22/09.

How did finding out about the OC come up? Did he come clean only after the discovery of the OC?

What steps did you guys take to recover from his affair?

Is this the first marriage for both of you?

So sorry you're here and feel for you. What a shock to your marriage.

So what would you like to see happen?

I'm confused, so he had this child when he had that one night stand? Or did he have this child before he met you but never told you about this? How old is the OC?

Yeah, I know it's confusing....welcome to my life! My H was told the oc was not his @ the time of the pregnancy. She was married & later the "father" had a home DNA test that was (-). Yes, he only told me after we found out about the oc being his. We went to 1 counseling session together. I have been meeting with an older lady from church once a week. Yes, this is our 1st marriage. Yes, he produced oc before we met. He is 9.

Oh ok, I actually had a friend that has been married for 17 years with a husband, and they both found out that he has a 19 year old from a different girl before he married my friend, he said that he was a very party man after his first wife leaving him. I asked her about how she felt about this new situation and she said "as long as it was before me, I don't really care. I know he loves me."

So if this all happened before meeting you, I don't think you need to worry about the OC. I still think you should keep seeing your MC, to help any other issues you have.

That's hard to do when he lied about having sex with the oc's mom. And we have already established our family with our 2 kids. I don't want another child around. I think it would be easier if we found out after he was grown like your friend, so it didn't do so much damage to our family.

Go to the newsletter forum and read the articles on When to call it Quits.

Gg

RR,

Welcome and I am so sorry you are here. I can only imagine what it feels like to realize that your H fathered another child. I am sure it is a shock. Only you can decide if you want to save this marriage. While you may not want another child in your family, please think of the child. It's not his fault that this happened. Imagine how he must feel to find out that the man he thought was his father really isn't.

Why did you find out about OC? Is this woman trying to get child support and visitation forced upon your H? Or is your husband offering to do this?

Even if you decide to save your M and accept OC, that does NOT mean that you have to accept OC's mother. She does NOT have to become a part of your lives. While I don't have a lot of experience or knowledge with regard to your type of sitch, I have read enough to know that that children can be accepted without accepting the other parent.

Originally Posted by RiverRat79

Along with thinking my family was in place b4 having to include another child. The affair was 2 years ago & supposodly only happened one nite b/c he was at his "friends" house & got drunk & was mad @ me & slept with her. I found out 10/22/09.

RiverRat, a couple of observations and some questions. First off, does your H still see his OW? Does her husband know that she slept with your husband 2 years ago?

If your H has told him the truth and cut off contact with the OW, then I would say he might sincere. If not, then I don't believe he is sincere at all. A person who has not made amends to his victim is not repentent.

Does the 9 yr old child even know your H?

Dr Harley would recommend that your H never be in contact with the child or the OW because doing so will weaken their marriage and yours. That is not in the best interest of any of the children.

If, for some reason, he has to remain in contact with the child, it is recommended that the ifidels NEVER are in direct contact.

If I were in your shoes, I would make it a condition that he never see the child or the OW in order to remain married to him.

No matter what you decide, his affair with the OW needs to be exposed everywhere. The more people who know, the easier it will be to hold him accountable.

Originally Posted by Dr Harley

I am revising SAA and it should be in print sometime in 2011, and the problem you raise will be included in it. But it's particularly difficult to address because of our no-contact-with-the-ex-lover rule on the one hand, and the need of a child to have contact with their natural parents on the other. Our radio archives have more on this subject than anything I've written so far, because we've had several listeners call in with this problem, and I describe the approach I take.

As you probably already know by now, I tilt toward keeping the marriage healthy at the possible expense of the child not having adequate contact with the OM. I recommend that at the time of birth, the other man not be mentioned on the birth certificate unless he demands it. That makes your husband the legal parent of the child. If he does demand being on the birth certificate, I recommend that he pay child support until the child is 19. If the OM wants visitation, I recommend that it be done with transparency, so his own family knows what's going on. A mediator, paid by him, is to pick up and deliver the child so that you and your husband never have to have any contact with him.

In almost all cases that I've witnessed, the OM isn't willing to be named on the birth certificate, pay the child support, or make the situation known to his family. Under those conditions, I highly suggest that he not be able to visit his child until he or she is an adult. If an attempt is made, I suggest getting a restraining order. While that policy seems very rigid and uncaring toward the child, the alternatives are usually disastrous. Having an old lover around, the cause of your husband's greatest sadness, has such an devastating effect on the marriage that few survive. Having heard from some of the couples who have followed this way of thinking, and others who have done the opposite, I am confident that it is the best approach to your situation.

Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr.

Originally Posted by RiverRat79

The affair was 2 years ago & supposodly only happened one nite b/c he was at his "friends" house & got drunk & was mad @ me & slept with her. I found out 10/22/09.

Sounds like he also has a problem with drinking and with having loser friends. I would expect him to change that if you decide to stay with him. Lose the losers and stop drinking.

Hey I looked for "when to call it quits" & couldn't find anything, can you tell me where to find it or send a link please? THanks!

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Is this what you are looking for?

How did you find out about this OC? Is the mother of the OC trying to force your husband to pay child support or has she filed a paternity suit? The reason I ask is because there is no reason for your husband to have ANY contact with OC or his mother if none of this has been done. If however, she has filed a paternity suit and your husband is found to be the father, it will get sticky because then visitation, etc. and other rights and responsibilities come into play.