Marriage Builders
Posted By: sisterinlaw Rewriting history - 08/04/10 09:42 PM
Do all WS's rewrite their marital history? Or are they just people who can only see their viewpoint and are convinced that their perspective is THE TRUTH? I feel like my H and I were in different marriages completely! He is bringing up comments I made 10-15 YEARS ago and telling me how they made him feel--and his perspective on what I meant by them is WAY off. He never told me they upset him at the time and my explanations of them now hold no water to him. He is CONVINCED that how he sees things IS how it was and continues to be.

Any others experience this? Do I just have a messed up H or is there a chance for clarity? BTW--I can see how he has his perspective, I just don't think it is the truth, just his opinion thru his own particular lense.
Posted By: hope_eternal Re: Rewriting history - 08/04/10 10:36 PM
Yes, they all rewrite the history....you're not alone in this. My WH made our whole marriage seem like an accident. He told me we never had it going on in the sex department yet we had 4 children. He also told me things that I never said. For example, he said, "I remember the day you told me I was ugly and too old to get anyone else." I never said such things.

You see SIL....they have to do this to justify their affair...by telling themselves these things, it makes them feel right and entitled.
Posted By: ToBeContinued Re: Rewriting history - 08/04/10 10:41 PM
Originally Posted by sisterinlaw
Any others experience this? Do I just have a messed up H or is there a chance for clarity? .

No, this is all pretty typical stuff.

Keep in mind the phrase, "We see what we want to see." The act history rewriting is really a means to justifying an action (or series of actions) which cannot stand on their own merit.

It's really not much more than 'mental gymnastics' -- with a really cruddy dismount.....

TBC
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Rewriting history - 08/04/10 10:53 PM
Originally Posted by sisterinlaw
Do all WS's rewrite their marital history? Or are they just people who can only see their viewpoint and are convinced that their perspective is THE TRUTH? I feel like my H and I were in different marriages completely!

sisterinlaw, if you want to understand their mindset, just compare it to any other addict. A falling down drunk has a warped perspective of reality because he is intoxicated with alcohol. Of course they believe it is the truth, until they sober up.

This is why the Harleys recommend not paying any attention to the fogbabble of a wayward. Once he sobers up he will have a better grasp of reality.

The rewriting of history stems from the need to justify his bad behavior. It is much easier to alter reality than it is to alter one's behavior.
Posted By: sisterinlaw Re: Rewriting history - 08/04/10 11:03 PM
Thanks. So you think that he is still wandering? I discovered his EA 9 years ago! I did Plan A and Plan B, counseled with Steve Harley, but he refused to do counseling after I moved back in. I think he has held onto everything he used to justify the A in the first place. I have made changes in all the ways I was not meeting his needs, but he has remained distant emotionally from me. Now he says he is so unahppy in our marriage and all the stuff has come up all over again. He confessed that he had a ONS before the A and another after(!) I am actually kind of numb. I already knew what he was capable of, so it is not truly surprising, however after all we went through I would never have thought he would do it again. I suspect more that he has not told me including porn. I just can't talk to him he is cliniging so tightly to his version of events. When do you throw in the towel?
Posted By: suamico Re: Rewriting history - 08/04/10 11:14 PM
Originally Posted by sisterinlaw
Thanks. So you think that he is still wandering? I discovered his EA 9 years ago! I did Plan A and Plan B, counseled with Steve Harley, but he refused to do counseling after I moved back in. I think he has held onto everything he used to justify the A in the first place. I have made changes in all the ways I was not meeting his needs, but he has remained distant emotionally from me. Now he says he is so unahppy in our marriage and all the stuff has come up all over again. He confessed that he had a ONS before the A and another after(!) I am actually kind of numb. I already knew what he was capable of, so it is not truly surprising, however after all we went through I would never have thought he would do it again. I suspect more that he has not told me including porn. I just can't talk to him he is cliniging so tightly to his version of events. When do you throw in the towel?
Did he JUST tell you of the other affairs?
Posted By: unseen2 Re: Rewriting history - 08/04/10 11:20 PM
Most definitely!!

I don't even know how to respond to some of the "fuzzy history" that I have heard.

I guess it is a defense method. They know what they are doing is wrong, but they feel justified in their actions. The rewrites are a way of dealing with this conflict.

I know that my ex after 4 yrs has finally started taking reponsibility for how she behaved and the things she did.

Jason
Posted By: sisterinlaw Re: Rewriting history - 08/04/10 11:43 PM
Yes, he just told me in an email last night about the 2 ONS. I don't think he has made changes, he feels he has b/c he stopped leaving the house to work out every night and staying out for hours. I am kinda ready to just let this marriage go. He has an apt. which is where he sleeps, though he comes to the house and stays virtually all the rest of the time. He says it is the only way he can sleep. Everything that has happened keeps him from sleeping which has lead to very serious insomnia for the last several years. It is hard to meet his needs when he doesn't sleep b/c nothing satisfies him and he will sleep all day on weekends b/c he is so exhausted from the lack of sleep each night.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Rewriting history - 08/04/10 11:53 PM
Originally Posted by sisterinlaw
. He has an apt. which is where he sleeps, though he comes to the house and stays virtually all the rest of the time.

He has his own apartment? A serial cheater has his own apartment? faint

WHY??
Posted By: SapphireReturns Re: Rewriting history - 08/05/10 12:00 AM
Throw in the towel, divorce him and find someone who will treat you the RIGHT way!
Posted By: sisterinlaw Re: Rewriting history - 08/05/10 02:45 AM
Yes, actually that is where I am headed. i have tried all that I can and done all that I can do. Sadly we have a 9 y.o. DD who will be devastated. I did hang on for a long time so she could have her dad around instead of sharing custody, but this is not a good model for her to see.

Are most WS's weak ego-ed, "victims"

Lesson here--if they don't follow MB your chances of a good recovery are pretty bad.
Posted By: sisterinlaw Re: Rewriting history - 08/05/10 01:57 PM
So he texts me last night and asks after his email what do I want to do? What are my thoughts? What?? I said you have told me you are deeply unhappy with our me and our M and you have an apartment that you go to each night. What choices do I have? I told him he should make a schedule for spending time with DD and move his stuff out so he can feel the separation has told me he so needs.

After all this history and seeing him be in the exact same mindset he was in so long ago, honestly, I am not really in save the marriage mode. Iam in my own mental survival mode--who brings up stuff from 15 years ago and uses it against you when they never brought it up with you or discussed it with you at the time. Aargh! Feel like I fell down the rabbit hole. Since I don't think he is having an A now can this be fog babble?? Would he still be babbling if he is just using a lot of porn?
Posted By: Wheels_spinning Re: Rewriting history - 08/05/10 02:06 PM
If you could know what he is doing in that apt I would bet $100 that he is in a steady affair with one or more people for the past couple years. From his regular fog talk, and him living outside the house is really all that it takes to show that he is not committed to marriage.

I would do some super sluthing to find what he is doing in that apt. If he is in an affair you can figure out what you want to do next. If he is not then you must get him back home to work on the marriage.
Posted By: SapphireReturns Re: Rewriting history - 08/05/10 02:11 PM
I agree....he is having multiple affairs.

You need to decide what you want, do you want him back? A serial cheater and an addiction to porn?
Posted By: Gamma Re: Rewriting history - 08/05/10 02:16 PM
SIL,

Are most WS's weak ego-ed, "victims"

That seems to sum it up as best as I've seen, the justifications they give are endless. Men just love to be seen as victims.

OM4 gave my wife a complete overview of his lifes' struggles, but, and it was very big of him, my wife helped him resolve them.

God Bless
Posted By: sisterinlaw Re: Rewriting history - 08/05/10 02:29 PM
I honestly am not sure that I have the determination to sleuth out what he is doing, try to get him home and work on the M. I feel defeated that we are still here despite all the previous A stuff we went through. When do you just say enough is enough, the person isn't going to change and I need to move on? I feel in my heart that I have done everything I can possibly do. None of those things has changed how he looks at our relationship now.

I used to feel guilty about hurting him, guilty not to work on the marriage. Then I felt shame that I had failed. I always felt love for HIM and hope that things could be better. But now I just feel defeated, numb and baffled.
Posted By: sisterinlaw Re: Rewriting history - 08/05/10 02:32 PM
I am not sure if he is having a full blown A but I know that he has always had inappropriate friendships with women that from the beginning of our M I told him hurt me and asked that he discontinue. He never did and I rationalized that he needed them for his ego and that I was the one he loved. I now wonder if that didn't effect me and keep me from fully giving of myself in order not to be hurt?

Thinking about everything makes me feel crazy and hopeless. I think I just want him to move out and leave me alone!!
Posted By: SapphireReturns Re: Rewriting history - 08/05/10 02:41 PM
Originally Posted by sisterinlaw
Thinking about everything makes me feel crazy and hopeless. I think I just want him to move out and leave me alone!!

If that is what you want, then pack his things, drop them off his apt, and find a lawyer, so you can start working on yourself.
Posted By: suamico Re: Rewriting history - 08/05/10 03:07 PM
Originally Posted by sisterinlaw
I am not sure if he is having a full blown A but I know that he has always had inappropriate friendships with women that from the beginning of our M I told him hurt me and asked that he discontinue. He never did and I rationalized that he needed them for his ego and that I was the one he loved. I now wonder if that didn't effect me and keep me from fully giving of myself in order not to be hurt?

Thinking about everything makes me feel crazy and hopeless. I think I just want him to move out and leave me alone!!
I am promarriage but I think this marriage is already dead. For your own mental health I think Divorce is best. Sorry you are going through this SIL.
Posted By: sisterinlaw Re: Rewriting history - 08/05/10 03:09 PM
Thanks everyone, I think I need to move on. A sad thing but necessary.
Posted By: rightherewaiting Re: Rewriting history - 08/05/10 03:55 PM
SIL, you said you used Plan A and Plan B all those years ago...to no avail. I think it's time to Plan B again. I mean, he's "moved out," but spends a lot of time with you. Sounds like a big time cake eater. Good chance he's using that apartment for more A's. What a life--he's got it all, wife and child at home and a single life on the side!!! Where are the consequences for this bad behavior?

He just confessed two ONS--not sure why he would do that at this point--maybe to see just how much you will put up with? Or maybe he's conflicted and doesn't know how to resolve the situation he's put himself in.

Trying to figure that out while letting it hurt you over and over again will make you crazy. Shut off YOUR support--your half of the "cake," that makes this situation possible--with a dark Plan B and see what happens.

In the meantime, get your legal ducks in a row.
Posted By: sisterinlaw Re: Rewriting history - 08/06/10 02:07 AM
righttherewaiting--you are right. I think he is definitely conflicted but not adult and mature enought to either commit to real work on the M or divorcing. I do know I need better boundaries and Plan B is probably the way to go. I am definitely meeting some of his EN's--not his top but important ones nevertheless and I need to stop that. He is out of town on a trip this weekend so I have a reprieve to get ready.
Posted By: sisterinlaw Re: Rewriting history - 08/07/10 12:50 PM
What are the odds he is NOT currently having an A? The fog talk right now in this way seems odd if he is not screwing around. He claims he hasn't slept for years yet now is when he has to rent an apt. Admits he doesn't sleep so well there either, but being around me reminds him of his A and ONS so he is disgusted with himself and hates that.

At this point, does it even matter if he is having an A? Another one just proves to me that he can't be trusted and did not learn one thing from the last time and will always put himself and his "needs" before our M and my feelings.

Can this really be residual stuff from so long ago coming out now?
Posted By: Pepperband Re: Rewriting history - 08/08/10 03:49 PM
Originally Posted by sisterinlaw
What are the odds he is NOT currently having an A?

Odds are slim.
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