Q for those who has a spouse in AA.... - 08/19/10 03:39 PM
It's been awhile since I've posted. I shy away because I haven't had the courage, yet, to leave my marriage.
My husband still has independent behavior that makes recovery impossible.
I'd like to discuss a particular IB of my husbands, and get the advice of others who have spouses in AA.
Pep....if you're reading, I would love your insight as well. I just read where you mentioned that your husband is active in AA. Does your husband attend co-ed AA meetings?
And Mel.......did you attend co-ed AA meetings?
Three days ago I sent the following e-mail to Joyce and Dr. Harley and was thrilled to get an answer back from Dr. Harley.
My question to Dr. Harley............
Hello Joyce and Dr. Harley,
My husband, who has cheated on me several times in the past, wants to attend co-ed AA meetings. My husband and I are familiar with POJA, and I'm not having any luck persuading him to do something different. He claims these meetings, close to our house and the timing of the meetings, are convenient for him when he feels the need to go to one.
It feels like a marriage dealbreaker for me. I do not feel safe. I have been to co-ed AA meetings (I am not an alcoholic) and they seem to share some pretty intimate stuff in the "group" meetings.
Do you have any advice for me?
Dr. Harley's response.........
Hi Kathi,
I don't believe that the POJA is an option for marriage. I believe that it's essential for marriage. Those who do not follow that guideline face a lifetime of misery. That's because if spouses don't make their decisions with each other's feelings in mind, they end up trampling over each other's feelings, the way your husband has trampled over your feelings. If your husband feels that the POJA is something that can be violated occasionally, he'll have another affair, or do something else to ruin your life. His affair may or may not be with someone in his co-ed AA meeting, but will almost be a certainty. If your husband, or anyone else, for that matter, doesn't take extraordinary precautions to avoid an affair, they'll end up having one because they're so common and so tempting. From my perspective, it's that simple. By the way, I've known for years that co-ed AA meetings are notorious breeding gounds for affairs. In fact, they are often the primary cause of the divorce of couples who have just been through treatment.
Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr.
O.k., I agree with Dr. Harley 100%, and he validated what I already knew, and validated what I thought he would say.
I guess my question is.....
I know the big issue here is my husband trampling on my feelings. That aside, I'm curious if anyone is recovering with spouses in co-ed AA meetings? I guess we'd need to assume that the non attending spouse didn't have a problem with co-ed meetings.......
For those that know me, I don't need to tell you that my husband believes it's my lack of healing, and lack of closeness and trust in God, that is the problem. He has stated "he isn't doing anything wrong".
My husband still has independent behavior that makes recovery impossible.
I'd like to discuss a particular IB of my husbands, and get the advice of others who have spouses in AA.
Pep....if you're reading, I would love your insight as well. I just read where you mentioned that your husband is active in AA. Does your husband attend co-ed AA meetings?
And Mel.......did you attend co-ed AA meetings?
Three days ago I sent the following e-mail to Joyce and Dr. Harley and was thrilled to get an answer back from Dr. Harley.
My question to Dr. Harley............
Hello Joyce and Dr. Harley,
My husband, who has cheated on me several times in the past, wants to attend co-ed AA meetings. My husband and I are familiar with POJA, and I'm not having any luck persuading him to do something different. He claims these meetings, close to our house and the timing of the meetings, are convenient for him when he feels the need to go to one.
It feels like a marriage dealbreaker for me. I do not feel safe. I have been to co-ed AA meetings (I am not an alcoholic) and they seem to share some pretty intimate stuff in the "group" meetings.
Do you have any advice for me?
Dr. Harley's response.........
Hi Kathi,
I don't believe that the POJA is an option for marriage. I believe that it's essential for marriage. Those who do not follow that guideline face a lifetime of misery. That's because if spouses don't make their decisions with each other's feelings in mind, they end up trampling over each other's feelings, the way your husband has trampled over your feelings. If your husband feels that the POJA is something that can be violated occasionally, he'll have another affair, or do something else to ruin your life. His affair may or may not be with someone in his co-ed AA meeting, but will almost be a certainty. If your husband, or anyone else, for that matter, doesn't take extraordinary precautions to avoid an affair, they'll end up having one because they're so common and so tempting. From my perspective, it's that simple. By the way, I've known for years that co-ed AA meetings are notorious breeding gounds for affairs. In fact, they are often the primary cause of the divorce of couples who have just been through treatment.
Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr.
O.k., I agree with Dr. Harley 100%, and he validated what I already knew, and validated what I thought he would say.
I guess my question is.....
I know the big issue here is my husband trampling on my feelings. That aside, I'm curious if anyone is recovering with spouses in co-ed AA meetings? I guess we'd need to assume that the non attending spouse didn't have a problem with co-ed meetings.......
For those that know me, I don't need to tell you that my husband believes it's my lack of healing, and lack of closeness and trust in God, that is the problem. He has stated "he isn't doing anything wrong".