Emotional affair ended in April after I told my husband. He called OM and had some strong words and probably threats. He also drove by OM�s house a couple months later and threatened to tell OM�s wife. OM got another job and I never see or contact him and I wrote a no contact letter.
We have read all the books and our marriage is better than ever, except BH wanting to send a letter to OM�s wife, telling her everything. Does she have a right to know? This will hurt her so much and they have little kids. Who is the best person to tell her?
I just want to move forward but BH won�t let this one go.
I realize the books say to expose but what if there is no danger of the affair starting again?

Your BH is absolutely correct. The OM's wife deserves to know the truth about her life. She is a victim in all of this. She is probably trying to figure out what is wrong with her marriage right now because she has no idea about the EA.

Let your BH talk to her and tell her the truth. It's the right thing to do. Simple as that.

This was the last thing I read on your thread...my answer...

YES SHE NEEDS TO KNOW!!!

Your BH in a phone call or in person. He needs to keep the contact short and leave her with the understanding that there will never be any contact again with her or the OM.


Exposure is good even afterward because it helps you realize the consequences of an affair. It burns the consequences into your mind so you your husband and your kids understand what happens when there is an affair. It also helps the BH not have the burden of keeping this secret and living a life of lies. Why should he experience holding in the shame that is not his?

KS,

I just want to move forward but BH won�t let this one go.

I realize the books say to expose but what if there is no danger of the affair starting again?

I can tell you that my wifes EA has haunted me for 20+ years as I did nothing when it happened, if OM had had a wife at that time I would be telling her now. Let you H get rid of this demon now, he needs to do so for closure.

If anything the fact that OM has kids increases the need for exposure to his wife as she needs to begin to protect her marriage and even more her family. I would guess OM was pressuring you for sex and will continue to stalk other women.

God Bless
Gamma

1) Yes. If she doesn't know, she'll continue to live in the dark about her marriage and her husband will probably start up another affair. She needs to know so she can fix things.

2) Your affair with OM is what hurt her, not telling her the truth. The damage is already done.

3) Obviously your BH needs to tell her because you are not allowed contact with either of them for life.

Yes; but more to the point, you have no business disagreeing with your husband on this point.

From the standpoint of your OWN marriage: If you've "read all the books," then you understand that the purpose of exposure is to kill the affair. The 2 people to whom exposure is most likely to be effective are the 2 betrayed spouses. If only one of them knows, sometimes that's all it takes to kill an affair; but why should your husband bet on that? After all, he never bet on you falling for another guy, either. Your husband wants to expose because this will add an extra layer of assurance; the other man's wife's knowledge of the real situation will make it further less likely that the affair will resume. There'll be another pair of eyes on your OM. That's good for your marriage. And you're against this, uh, why?

Your husband is the best person to tell her. Yes, it'll hurt. BUT:

From the standpoint of THEIR marriage: Her NOT knowing will leave them set up for much more serious hurt later on. The TRUTH will give them a chance to look at their marriage for what it is -- i.e., vulnerable to an affair, with emotional needs not being met, and one of the people in that marriage having dangerously weak boundaries. This is just as important, I would argue, in cases of emotional affairs -- because most people make the mistake of failing to regard emotional affairs as seriously as physical affairs. I had both; one led seamlessly into the other, and as far as I'm concerned, the difference between an emotional affair & a physical affair is merely the difference between the top half and the bottom half of a hand grenade with the pin pulled out -- if you let them hang around & don't do anything, it'll all blow up & make a mess of your life. Her having the info about his emotional affair might enable them to confront their unmet needs & his lack of boundaries and right the ship and prevent what happens to marriages where needs go unmet & boundaries are loose. Yet you would deny that woman this information. That is not an honorable or defensible stance on your part.

No. You cannot move forward until your husband is ready to move forward. You move forward TOGETHER. THAT's how you restore a marriage & make it better than it was before the affair. If you've read the RIGHT books, you know that one of your key jobs in the recovery phase after an affair is to protect your husband, and not be the cause of his unhappiness. (Read about the "Rule of Protection" on this site if you're not clear on that.) I believe this is a situation where this applies. More basically, having the other man's wife know is an extra precaution against the danger of resumption of the affair. This also applies.

Ma'am, who gets to judge whether there's "no danger" of the affair resuming? That's a pretty subjective question, isn't it, whether there's "no" danger? Isn't there "some" danger? And how much "some" should your husband be expected to tolerate? Well, that's up to him. Not you. If a betrayed spouse is trying to save a marriage, he/she has to be sure that the affair is dead. And when you're trying to make sure an affair is really dead, it's safer to fire every round in the chamber, so to speak, than to take one shot at a time & risk finding out later that the affair wasn't really dead, just wounded.

I encourage you to consider.

Yes, your affair with her husband will hurt her very much. But it is the affair that will hurt. Keeping it a secret from your victim will hurt her worse. How will she protect herself from you and her husband if she does not know?

If your neighbors bookkeeper was stealing money from him would you not tell him using the excuse: "Does she have a right to know? This will hurt her so much and they have little kids."

Doesn't that sound ridiculous?

The answer is of course the OMW should be told. You owe her at least that; that is a demonstration of true remorse. She should be told by YOUR HUSBAND, not you.

I am sure you want to sweep your crime under the rug but that is not the moral thing to do; nor does it help your own recovery. If you steal money from someone don't you feel you have to make amends to that person by at least making sure your victim knows what you did to them? Amends in this case would to make certain your victim knows what you did to her.

THAT is the true remorse that leads to recovery.